Try not to think about it
Shove it down ....way down
Don't show it
Its bubbling up, it wants to escape
I don't know how long I can hold it
I'm not that strong
I want control over it
But it consumes me
I am it
And it is me
I wasn't always this way with it
I never would shove it down
Until one day I was mocked for showing it
I was told I was weak  
Because everyone has it ... and they can control it
Its all in your head , your a cry baby
I believed it
Why couldn't I control it ?
Next time I'll try my best
But I  feel it again....its about to escape
I can't let it
I try shoving it down ....way down
But that doesn't stop it
Now its flowing out of me like water
I need to stop it
I run to my room , lock the door,shut off my phone
So no one can see it
I look in the mirror
Puffy face and bloodshot eyes are the result of it
I sit in front of my fan
The cool air dries it
I sit until all the evidence is gone
Until I can walk out of my room and deny it
I have to ... I'm not a cry baby
I can do this  
I am it
And it is me

Just when I'm about to have hope  
My breakdown are less
I finally learning how to cope
You start to make your way in again
I try hard to pray you away
But you're here before amen
Welcome back old friend
I'm a fool to think the last time
that I saw you was the end
You brought gifts with you
I wanna ask which ones
cause the demons brought some too

Did you send the voices in my head?
I don't like them
They say I'd be better off dead
You didn't sent them right?
You would miss me
Who would you hold at night?
Did you send the bile?
It burns, I start to skip meals
I hide my pain with a smile
Did you cause the sleepless nights ?
Where you mad you weren't there
to hold me from the light?
Did you send the dreams?
That either crunch my soul
or make me scream ?
When I wake up my heart hurts
I hold in my tears
Until they threaten to burst

I shouldn't have left you
I wanted to be happy
I thought it was the right thing to do
I've learn my lesson
I need to stay with you
Let go of my aggression
Don't worry its not too late
Everything can go back to when
You were my soulmate

you say your hands are cold,that you forgot your gloves
i look down at my hands
i take my only pair off and give them to you
i feel the cold air on my bare hands
i tell myself its not too bad and you'll give them back if i need them
hours go by
you still have my gloves
the muscles in my fingers become ridged from the cold
but i love to see you warm so i don't ask for them back
another hour goes by
you still have my gloves
i cant feel or move my fingers now
the tips are starting to burn...
i know this is the start of frost bite
but i don't want to take the warmth from you so i wait a little longer to ask you for them back

i finally gather the courage to approach you ...
under my breath, i ask if i can borrow them for a bit?
just to get the blood back in my veins?
you stare at me for what seems like forever...then you start to laugh
you say: i'm fine
you say: i don't really need them
you say: i'm dramatic
i say, i feel numb
i say: i just need them for a little bit
you say: i'm selfish
you say: i don't love you....that i want you to be cold like i am
you say: i'm a coward and say that instead of asking you
i should just learn to deal with it

i stood there not knowing what to say ... maybe you right?
so i decide to bare it , i bare it while my hands start to sting
i watch you with our friends as i sit on the side-lines
the love i have for you is the only warmth left in my body
i look down and my hands are turning blue now
i cant let me do this to myself
i realize i need to find help ...but that means i have to leave you
i never want to leave you
but you refuse to go with

after much consideration, i do what is best for no one else but me
i leave..
i leave while you still hold a bit of me
leaving was one of the hardest decisions i have ever made

Our relationship was strong
many things happened this year
I dont know quite
where it all went wrong
I try to connect with you
but you cut me done
Make it all about you
You say I'm making something out of nothing
but that impossible you can only make a something out of other somethings .....
You are my something
I built my life around you
If you liked it,I liked it
if you hated it,I hated it too
But I guess it doesnt matter
The only conversations we have now
is if i lost weight or am fatter
Your love is conditional
i just want to be myself
even if its not traditional
When did you stop loving me for me ?
I gave my life you to
I thought living for you was my destiny
You say I'm selfish
but im alway hiding my feelings, crys and desires from you
To be a good daughter was my only wish
Now I just crave acceptance
I cant live in your shadow
Im done...
Ive served my 18 year sentence

RIP to the little girl that i let die
you left me so quickly
i never got the chance to say
goodbye
i'm sorry i didn't fight for you more
i wanted to protect you
so i lock us behind my bedroom door
but as the days went by
i looked in the mirror
and saw you die a little more inside
the sobs grew louder
your voice grew hoarse
leaving your throat as dry as powder
.....then you stopped talking at all
the world would disappear
through your tears
as you stare at the wall
one day i woke up and you were no more
i screamed your name
but you never came
you died in the middle of this mental war
i'm sorry little girl i let die
you left so quickly
i'm sorry i never said
goodbye

Thank you for soaking up my tears
I know there have been quite a bit
just this past year
Thank you for absorbing my crys
You muffle my voice
Cradle my face
while I scream "why!"
You have seen the worst
I prayed to die in your embrace
To be saved from this misery
To live left like a curse
Thank you for holding my head up
Even when I had no strength
to do it myself
You stepped in and acted as my back-up
I'm going to find my worth
I'm not no longer afraid
I'm going to live like its my last day on earth
Because I always know you are right there
Waiting for me to come back
Ready to take me as I am
No matter what emotions I bare

i feel the cold on my bare feet
i walk to the window
i wish i was as happy at the people on the street
the sound of my metal chains echo in my ears
the cuffs hurt but its okay
i'm used to it..its been almost a year
i hear screams down the hall
i use to scream like that too
But ive realized i already hit rock bottom
so there’s no more to fall

most nights i stare at the ceiling  
happy memories tease me
mistakes haunt me
until i’m left reeling
i learned that my tears..
are just words needed to be written
but those words are my biggest fears
i've been here 83 days
and i now know
How to regret things
a  million different ways

always in the back of my mind, there is this face
I see their blue eyes
i think its the person that put me in this place
i still have the note they gave me
i read it when i forget
what its like to be free
their ghost wont let me be
but somehow i still miss them
even though this is what
they did to me

Let me take your pain
I can carry the burden
Your mental health was never a game
I can't sit by
and hear you hurt yourself again
While my heart dies a little more inside
I'm already broken so whats a little more
Use my body as a canvas
Decorate me like you do to yourself
Behind the closed door
Do it me but leave yourself
Carve maps on my skin
Make a line from your state to mine
Let the blood make a pact
that we will never be apart
As the red trails clot
And tears stream my face
I will cry for every permanent tally mark
That reminds you how you got to this place
I cant take it anymore
If i cant help you
then what am i good for ?
So put your burdens all on me
Your too young for this
I want you to feel
what its like to finally be free
While you sleep, I'll hold you tight
I will stay up all night and protect you
Sleep little one...
Your nightly demons this time I'll fight
I will take it all
No matter the hurt
No matter the pain
I cant watch you fall

When you are a mother..

You talk but don't listen
You spew hate and but dislike haters
You want to be loved but don't love
You listen to sermons on compassion then you scream at your kid when they tell you they're depressed
....or is that just my mother?

My mother loves to cry but lacks empathy
She quotes this book of life and almost let me take mine.....

She mocks happy couples but is clinging to her broken marriage
She wants respect but doesn't respect others
She hates judgy people but calls women ******
She hates a messy house but is a hoarder
She thinks she's dying but is in perfect physical health
My mother......
Drives down a one way road and think everyone else is going the wrong way

One day her mental illness will run everyone away...
leaving her not be able to make excuses for her actions.

"i'm sorry "
"i'm here for you if you need someone"
presses send

tears run down my cheek
i didn't realize
how much that hurt
i guess i'm still a bit weak
do u have a clue
i waited three months
to hear the same words
from you?
"if you need someone"
I opened every text
wiped away all my tears
use all i had left just to smile at you
but you just walked away
i stood there perplexed
Now its months later, a guy dies
and i saying these sacred words to you
i hate how i give some much of myself
to only receive lies
"i'm here for you"
you will never know
these tears are not for him
i never met him
so...
these tears are for my hope,
my heart,and my soul
that shattered one by one
because of you

I wanted to thank you all for reading, commenting and enjoying my poems. This site mean the absolute world to me. A year ago ago today, I was told to deal with my metal illness myself. I decided to sign up for this website Hello Poetry. I sent in a crabby poem (My Friend Fear) and within hours I was accepted. I then wrote Depression is my Soulmate ( on my mothers birthday.... Happy Birthday Mom) That was the first poem I wrote just for this site. I thought it was too sad and went to delete it. To my surprise it trended and had so many amazing comment. Now that poem is at 8.5k views! Although that sad depressed little girl had no idea how worse things would get. You all helped me build myself back up.
Through my eating disorder or suicide note you all have given me so much love and support. Thank you!!
I cant forget "It" I wrote that while having a panic attack outside of a store that my mind wouldnt let me go in. To have that poem reach so many people makes me tear up ...just thank you.

I couldn't write this without mentioning the greatest part of my Hello Poetry experience.
I met my rock, my other half, my favorite person, my bestest of friends.... Jules
You will here this whole speech all over again because its soon our one year anniversary too. Thank you Hello Poetry for letting me met the best person I've ever known. I couldn't have survived last year without all of you... thank you!!!