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Apr 2021 · 572
When you are a mother
Lost Soul Apr 2021
When you are a mother..

You talk but don't listen
You spew hate and but dislike haters
You want to be loved but don't love
You listen to sermons on compassion then you scream at your kid when they tell you they're depressed
....or is that just my mother?

My mother loves to cry but lacks empathy
She quotes this book of life and almost let me take mine.....

She mocks happy couples but is clinging to her broken marriage
She wants respect but doesn't respect others
She hates judgy people but calls women ******
She hates a messy house but is a hoarder
She thinks she's dying but is in perfect physical health
My mother......
Drives down a one way road and think everyone else is going the wrong way

One day her mental illness will run everyone away...
leaving her not be able to make excuses for her actions.
Lost Soul Apr 2020
I hope you know that I love you...
even when I'm a crying mess
even when my lungs start skipping breaths
you're the one I run too

I'm sorry that my mind plays games...
I don't want to be the broken one
I hate that PTSD crumbles me
I love that you always look at me the same

I hope you always see the person inside
I love you with all my heart
for once in a long time, I don't want to die

But there will always be a part of me that wonders when you'll leave
when all my quirks will turn to flaws
when I am just a burden
when you start to say "I" not we...
Oct 2019 · 1.2k
One year ago...
Lost Soul Oct 2019
I heard crying as i walk to the door
When i peer in the doorway
i see you laying on the floor

Looking up in the ceiling
you jump when u realize i'm there
though your eyes lack emotions
..."how are you feeling?"

One phrase broke your silence
you struggle to spit out a ....Fine
but you know you cant lie to me
your eyes tear up.. your "strong" facade breaks...

Violet walls.... i stare at them surrounding us...suffocating us
U ask "does it get better?" what happens to us?

"Eventually it does... there will be something...someone
Dont underestimate its power, its magic
it will be the reason we lived"

"Your so confident, how are you so sure
do u remember what i'm going through
do u remember who u were?", she asks

"Of course I remember every since day
with flashbacks and panic attack
but with this gift I will always find a way"

"U and i will be okay"

"Just focus on yourself not everyone else
they don't care about u
they used us, only caring about their self"

"U will see that "she" the gift...is different
she is the best thing that happen this year
no longer will we care about them, what they're doing or where they went. Love is a powerful thing
Love that is unconditional  is even better "

"Everyone deserves someone to truly love them and I'm just so grateful to have been given someone too"

She wipes the tears off of her face, stands up and messages a random ******* Hello Poetry ....and that is
This is where my story really began
Lost Soul Sep 2019
I wanted to thank you all for reading, commenting and enjoying my poems. This site mean the absolute world to me. A year ago ago today, I was told to deal with my metal illness myself. I decided to sign up for this website Hello Poetry. I sent in a crabby poem (My Friend Fear) and within hours I was accepted. I then wrote Depression is my Soulmate ( on my mothers birthday.... Happy Birthday Mom) That was the first poem I wrote just for this site. I thought it was too sad and went to delete it. To my surprise it trended and had so many amazing comment. Now that poem is at 8.5k views! Although that sad depressed little girl had no idea how worse things would get. You all helped me build myself back up.
Through my eating disorder or suicide note you all have given me so much love and support. Thank you!!
I cant forget "It" I wrote that while having a panic attack outside of a store that my mind wouldnt let me go in. To have that poem reach so many people makes me tear up ...just thank you.

I couldn't write this without mentioning the greatest part of my Hello Poetry experience.
I met my rock, my other half, my favorite person, my bestest of friends.... Jules
You will here this whole speech all over again because its soon our one year anniversary too. Thank you Hello Poetry for letting me met the best person I've ever known. I couldn't have survived last year without all of you... thank you!!!
Lost Soul Sep 2019
I step into the doorway
Goosebumps form across my skin
Four purples wall surround me
I sit on the bed, that almost became my coffin

This is where Lost Soul was made
I heard footsteps as my mom walks in
She says " I bet you miss this room"
But she doesn't know when I come back in here that I'm afraid

I look at the desk where I wrote my last goodbye
That fan dried my tears
That pillow soaked up my nightly crys
I spent so many months in this room
many parts of myself died
I can feel the faint presence of little girl and Lost soul still in this tomb

Thats why...
Ever since I moved out I have writers block
None of my poems trend
I wake up several times in the night
To just stare at the clock
Tick tock tick tock

After every visit...
As I drive home, I feel the room call my name
All the demons want to play
I drown out the voices
But my mind doesn't feel the same
as when I came

No mom, I do not miss this room
You have no clue what went on in here
All u do is assume
I say all of this in my mind
Because if she was to pay attention
Theres secrets in here that shes not prepared to find....
Happy Birthday Mom
Today is my Hello Poetry 1 year anniversary
Happy Birthday Lost Soul
Sep 2019 · 654
09/15/18
Lost Soul Sep 2019
One year ago today
I got thrown aside by someone
..who promised me the world
On September 15th, I struggled to be okay

For three hours all I did was cry
"How could I let another person leave?"
"How could I push someone else away?"
"I'm sorry I ruined your life... I promise I didn't try "

Little did I know it would get worse
I had no idea what rock bottom was
I tried to reach out for help
And was told to deal with it
"Just let to run its course"

But on that day was the first time
I said that I wanted to die and meant it
I started dying inside
As people around me just watched
I was isolated..apparently depression is a crime.

From that day on I didn't stop crying
and will never be the same
Slowly but surely i pulled myself up from the pit
Suicide is a awful mind game

Crying went from hourly to daily and from weekly to monthly
It took at least 8 months and I'm still stuck on monthly
But I am getting stronger everyday
Don't take my story as a sad tale
It is a survivor's story
I am a survivor.
If someone is going through something similar and needs someone to talk to, I am here to listen.
Also, I choose not to go into detail about the events because I wanted to avoid being repetitive. If you really want to know then read my old poems, they explain it best.
Aug 2019 · 1.3k
Panic Attack
Lost Soul Aug 2019
I'm spirialing faster and faster
I need to rid the demons that are taking over my head
Please call over a priest or a pastor!
DeNts dEnTs...three dents in my car
If only I looked behind me
My mind had traveled too far

One bite...just one bite
I want to eat but my brain always puts up a fight

One, two, three,oh God theres more,four five, six
STOP COUNTING!!...the lines....red lines
I cant hold it back anymore!


Drip,drip, drip...tears stream down my face
I shouldve been there for you
I was the one to put u in this place

The world is black, the world is good
Cover my eyes and rock in place
Just like an unstable person would
Tap...tap..tap
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap
It's not working, I need my headphones
I open the plastic ....the sharp plastic
Pressing my finger to the point
The pains feels good.....

I put on my headphones
"They are empty, they are worn
Tell me what we built this for
On my way to something more
You're that one I can't ignore!!!
Mmm...
I'm gonna miss you
I still care
Sometimes I wish we never built this palace but real love is never a waste of time."

Close my eyes and listen .....
But they're are still pouring
Through tears is the only way the world finally glistens

Red ....red...I see red
I see blue eyes
I dig my nails into my thighs
to remind myself I'm not dead

My 1 yr old niece crys
and for a brief second I'm out of my head and I can actually stand up and try

Try to be normal, try to hold it in
But when I am alone once more
My depression once again lets panic and anxiety come in
...tap...tap....tap....tap.
Jul 2019 · 486
Insane
Lost Soul Jul 2019
I want to erase my brain
Erase all the memories
Everytime I was forced to take the blame
Here I'll explain
Imagine a world where everything goes wrong
And your feelings were used for peoples gain
The thoughts in my head are too much
I crumple in the pain
I want a restart in life
Before I go insane
Jul 2019 · 752
Blue/Grey/Black
Lost Soul Jul 2019
Blue

Blue was the color of your eyes
I loved looking at them sparkle
When u were being mischievous
You could never stop smiling when you were trying to lie
I could relive those moments a million times
Driving home as the sunsets
With your hand in mine
Staying up late
Telling dumb jokes
Having video chat dates

Grey

Grey was all I saw when u left
You stole a piece of my heart
A handwritten note was the only thing I kept
I read it when I felt like you were just a dream
I cried myself to sleep
My pillow muffled the screams

Black

Black is the color for mourning
I hate the man you became
I wish someone would have given  me a warning
Your not who I fell in love with, he must've died
I just wish I could relive a memory and tell him how much I loved him before saying goodbye
Jul 2019 · 485
Dear Heavenly Father
Lost Soul Jul 2019
People tell me to pray
They believe it will help
They say it will show me the way
But last year I prayed and waited
I waited and waited
Got beaten and bruise
I decided then I must be hated..
I was all alone
Day after day
I cried your name
Sang songs to you
But u never came
I thought I
was following your sign
But fell in another mental game
When I hit rock bottom
I was told all I do is whine
So why even bother
If I cant even be love by my own mother
Dear Heavenly father
Will I ever be worthy enough
To be called your daughter
Jun 2019 · 768
Letting Depression win
Lost Soul Jun 2019
The cool crisp evening air
We sit on a metal bench
Feel the wind blow through our hair
I look at her, feel the warmth of her skin
She no longer talks anymore
She stopped eating
She finally let depression win
Her eyes stare into the unknown
She couldn't handle the constant rejection and teasing
So into the river, she threw her phone
I grabbed her hand that's quickly turning cold
The slits in her wrist create a puddle
the blood turns brown as it gets old
The color in her face continues to go
She begins to shivers as she gets more cold
I look into her eyes
Soon her soul will be no more
She whispers softly....I tried
I hug her tightly and reply ....I know
Jun 2019 · 835
Surviving
Lost Soul Jun 2019
I feel damaged, I feel broken
see depression had me trapped
At a young age
well before I had even spoken
When I was 8, I saw someone get sick
I spiraled infront of everyone
they saw me as a burden so
I was sent home real quick
When I was 10, I laid in bed
for two months...
I watched the same movie
and refused to eat because the demons in my head
When I was 12, I was scared to leave ..
my house and even my bedroom
I would hyperventilate
then cry so hard I'd heave
When I was 18
I screamed till my voice was no more
my cries echoed off the walls
but no one cared to notice
what happened behind my bedroom door
When I was 19, I was too nice
I put others first
but little did I know
a piece of my heart was the price
I am broken, I am damaged
everyday I wake up
surviving the day is always a challenge
May 2019 · 605
I was there for you...
Lost Soul May 2019
You needed someone, so I was there
I would stay up late
Listen to all the problems
and feelings you bare

You got over the last guy fast
You found another guy for a while
but didnt care if this one would last
You started asking questions about how I felt
I thought you cared
but little did I know... you love mind games
And the cards you had prepared to be dealt
You used my information get this guy
Your bestfriend....my ex
I still wanna know why

You could've had him all along
But instead you used me
No caring about how its wrong
You both are meant for each other
You both are the same
You both love playing stupid revenge games

You send me pictures of you two together
Is that supposed to make my heart flutter
Goosebumps form across my skin as if grazed by a feather?
.....Cause it doesn't
You and him can both *******
No longer will I associate with you both
Your a waste of my time
a breathe, or even a cough
May 2019 · 921
Let me take your pain
Lost Soul May 2019
Let me take your pain
I can carry the burden
Your mental health was never a game
I can't sit by
and hear you hurt yourself again
While my heart dies a little more inside
I'm already broken so whats a little more
Use my body as a canvas
Decorate me like you do to yourself
Behind the closed door
Do it me but leave yourself
Carve maps on my skin
Make a line from your state to mine
Let the blood make a pact
that we will never be apart
As the red trails clot
And tears stream my face
I will cry for every permanent tally mark
That reminds you how you got to this place
I cant take it anymore
If i cant help you
then what am i good for ?
So put your burdens all on me
Your too young for this
I want you to feel
what its like to finally be free
While you sleep, I'll hold you tight
I will stay up all night and protect you
Sleep little one...
Your nightly demons this time I'll fight
I will take it all
No matter the hurt
No matter the pain
I cant watch you fall
Apr 2019 · 578
To who finds my body
Lost Soul Apr 2019
When the day is right
I've breathed my last breath
let the birds still sing
the sun shine bright
When you find me, with my heart beating no more
stay with my cold body
let your tears fill the marks
that were inflicted behind closed doors
Please close my eyes
they have seen enough
destruction, disappointment, and lies
Take my hands and cover my heart
protect what little is left
so no one can rip it apart
As you brush the hair out of my face
don't ever think u were the one who put me in this place
When you gather to remember me
don't cry...
even though I'm six feet under
just know I'm finally free
Apr 2019 · 902
Never again
Lost Soul Apr 2019
im leaving
im cutting ties
im not gonna apologise
and say goodbye
just know im through
i need to put myself first
my world no longer
revolves around you
i tried to make people happy
and only show my best side
but when i could hide it no more
i found out I never had a die or ride
.... or is it ride or die?
no matter the order
i was on such a mental roller coaster
that no one else want to help ride
i was just left alone wanting to die
up and down, but mainly down
i was laughed at and scrutinized
like i was the class clown
i no longer care about you all
there will be no visit,texts, or even calls
you left me alone
to die in my room while I bawl
and never...never again
.....will i fall
Apr 2019 · 970
When the night comes...
Lost Soul Apr 2019
when the night comes and I'm all alone
the demons appear to torment me
until once more I'm a clone
I lay in bed
while they're still inside my head
wondering...
what will tomorrow be like?
will I want to eat?
skip my nightly workouts
will my eating disorder finally be beat?
will I cry as many tears as I did tonight?
or will I finally put myself first
and decide to fight?
will there be a day, this is in the past
when will this be over how long is this going to last?
I shouldn't raise my hopes
I'm told, "That's just life". I guess
I just haven't learned to cope
when I was little
the monsters were under the bed
but as I got older
they now live inside my head
I wrote this in a collab with my very best friend Jules. Please check out her poem titled "I'm alone with my demons". (part 2 of this poem) If you like my poem your sure to love hers. It was an honor to work with her.
Apr 2019 · 620
the best for you
Lost Soul Apr 2019
i used to do the best for you even when its not the best for me
but see, no one cared
when i didn't want to breathe
so now i do the best for me
because i need to get rid of my demons and finally be free
Apr 2019 · 977
My blood is Red
Lost Soul Apr 2019
My blood is red
My tears are blue
You crushed my soul
so how can I still love you

you left me on red
your eyes are so blue
I'm giving up
we have too much we've been through

My patience is out
Your time is through
I just wanted to say goodbye
But that you couldn't even let me do
Mar 2019 · 468
Dear Heart,
Lost Soul Mar 2019
Dear Heart,

Why do we try so hard?
They dont care about us
But yet we still pass out
little pieces of you like business cards
Im sick of fighting
For once I want to be the one fought for
Have something else to say while writing

Dear Lost Soul,

We do it so no one has to feel alone
Just like you were
When all you wanted was someone to pick up the phone
It hurts... yes it does
But if we make a slight difference
Then its worth it
We dont put ourselves out there, just because
If someone needs us, we are there
Not everyone can pull through
When they feel no one else cares
You fought, made it out alive
Some people arent as strong
To not give in to the knive
We help because we can..
We survived, now lets give that to someone else
Before they call this the end
Mar 2019 · 338
Still Dreaming
Lost Soul Mar 2019
The sun is shinning
We sit in the grass
Your eyes dance as you tell me a story
I could stare at you forever....

We're laughing
I tell you, I love you
Your smile widens
Your lips start to form the same three words to back to me...

Time stops
The sky darkens
Your expression hardens
Your eyes shine no more
Then you stand up and walk away

I'm left alone
The birds stop chirping
The trees no longer whistle
I thought this was bad dream
but I'm still waiting to wake up
Mar 2019 · 786
i cant want you
Lost Soul Mar 2019
don't smile at me...
cause ill smile back
leave me alone....
i cant love you
let me lie to myself...
cause i cant want you
push me away..
cause i know i could never leave you
Mar 2019 · 1.0k
Asylum
Lost Soul Mar 2019
i feel the cold on my bare feet
i walk to the window
i wish i was as happy at the people on the street
the sound of my metal chains echo in my ears
the cuffs hurt but its okay
i'm used to it..its been almost a year
i hear screams down the hall
i use to scream like that too
But ive realized i already hit rock bottom
so there’s no more to fall

most nights i stare at the ceiling  
happy memories tease me
mistakes haunt me
until i’m left reeling
i learned that my tears..
are just words needed to be written
but those words are my biggest fears
i've been here 83 days
and i now know
How to regret things
a  million different ways

always in the back of my mind, there is this face
I see their blue eyes
i think its the person that put me in this place
i still have the note they gave me
i read it when i forget
what its like to be free
their ghost wont let me be
but somehow i still miss them
even though this is what
they did to me
Mar 2019 · 436
i will fall
Lost Soul Mar 2019
i want to say so much and nothing at all
i want to say i miss you and just bawl
i want to say im sorry and fix it all
i want to pick up the phone and call
but i know i can't because
im afraid.. again...  i will fall
Mar 2019 · 670
i dont want to hurt you
Lost Soul Mar 2019
i wanted you so
i kissed you
you left me and
i protected you
i dont want to hurt you
so i hurt myself by still loving you
Mar 2019 · 471
Mind games
Lost Soul Mar 2019
I watched her fall
hitting the ground
she tried to pick her self up
just enough to crawl
to get away from you
but you drug her close
to do what you thought
she did to you
but you didn't see
the sleepless nights
the endless fights
she had to endure just to be with you
she always protected you
did what was best for you
and in the end you say she's  selfish
left her while she screamed for you
she yelled your name
so she could explain, but you never came
cause you were too busy
playing this stupid revenge game
you watched her fall
you know she wanted to die
but you didn't care
you just put up a wall
she hit the ground
pretended she was okay
but her heart was nowhere to be found
Mar 2019 · 2.1k
10/25/18
Lost Soul Mar 2019
I....I can't breathe
It all started when my feet hit the floor
I walked out of my room and heard whispers
You no longer look at me anymore
With every step I took
I wanted to cry out
My legs just shook
I went back to my room
I can't decide whats better
a coffin or this tomb

I feel nothing... absolutely nothing

I cried it all out the night before
So I sit at my computer and write a little note
This time my words won't be ignored
As I write my heart beats faster
DOES ANYONE CARE!! DOES NO ONE NOTICE?!?
Look.... I want to apologize to our pastor
You'll  stand up on stage
to say some half *** message
While my mother cries
as you read the rehearsed words on your page

How many people showed up?
Or did people stay home
because I was a **** up ?
Did he come?.. see he was my last straw
Did he look at my casket and wished he would've  texted me back
when I reached out vulnerable and raw
Did he cry?
I hope he did
cause he gave up on me
so i figured, why even try
I'm sorry to my sister
The pain got worse..I stopped talking
every word was a tongue twister
I prayed for the end...and it came
My cries echoed off the walls
To say my death was an accident
would be just to avoid the blame

Yes I believe God was with me that night
The demons left when he came down to hold me
His tears washed away the hurt
As my lungs finally gave up the good fight
He spared my soul ...well what little was left
I'm in the clouds now
Wishing my life wasn't a victim of theft
This is a poem that I wrote based on an actual suicide note I wrote on 10/25/18. Thankfully I'm in a better place now but i still felt the need to share this.
Mar 2019 · 2.1k
accept me or leave
Lost Soul Mar 2019
you texted me...
i thought you never would
i missed you
so much of me wanted this
but this isnt how i thought it would be

i cant help but feel
like you have something else in mind
i cant fall for you again , i made a deal
i cant keep hurting myself over you
i cant apologize

its not that i didn't like you , i did  
but you never saw it
because it wasnt in the way your used to
so you had a fit like a little kid

i changed alot and im scared
i dont want you to hate the new me
that took so long to build
because no one else cared

im naturally a sad person
i write depressing poems
and i changed the way i dress
i want to be spontaneous
i forced myself to buy a thong
it sits in the back of my drawer
cause i still  hate my body and it just feels wrong
but i'm determined to change that
to love ever curve and stretchmark
even when my stomach isnt flat  

i dont know how long this is going to be
but im going to be the most authentic me
if you dont like the new me
then well you can leave again
but this time dont come back
just let me be
Mar 2019 · 5.0k
Water
Lost Soul Mar 2019
drip... drip ..drip
feel the cold water
hit your empty stomach
just take little sips
stomach growls lull me to sleep
i don't like a full stomach
i don't care that it makes me weak
i don't see a cookie
i see 120 calories
22.8 g carbs, 14.4 g sugar
this is my daily life I'm not a rookie
water has zero grams
of sugar,carbs and calories
so I drink water
i have water for dinner
and for a snack
i avoid the scale
i don't weight myself anymore
cause it makes me feel more like
a beached whale
i don't eat breakfast
i eat one meal at 3pm
some people notice so
i just lie and say I'm fasting...
Feb 2019 · 9.2k
Time
Lost Soul Feb 2019
I spent 83 days wondering why
1,992 hours crying
And 7,171,200 seconds dying a little more inside

I can't say I'm sorry for what happened before
I left because
I didn't matter to you anymore
Feb 2019 · 645
Once upon a time
Lost Soul Feb 2019
Once upon a time there was a happy little girl...
Then she grew up

There once was a confident teen...
Then her heart was crushed

Once there lived a wounded woman...
But no one cared to help

Once upon a time there was a lonely broken old lady...
but she died
Feb 2019 · 590
I hate 2018
Lost Soul Feb 2019
I hate you 2018, goodbye
In the past 12 months
You've taken everything from me
while all I could do was scream ..why?
Why did u take everyone I loved
Why was I was left with my depression
I tried to reach out but was told that my feelings didnt matter and away ,they were shoved

I realized I'm not living for myself
I am my mothers puppet
that has to be perfect and be kept safe in a cell ...
(that what i call my room now)
when I look at my bed
all I see is the pain,the sleepless nights
when all I wanted was an escape from the thoughts in my head
I look at my ceiling and walls
I would stare at them
while i sobbing
as I curled my body into a ball

I'm going to have a better year
because if its as bad as 2018
i don't know if I will still be here
Feb 2019 · 1.6k
RIP to the little Girl
Lost Soul Feb 2019
RIP to the little girl that i let die
you left me so quickly
i never got the chance to say
goodbye
i'm sorry i didn't fight for you more
i wanted to protect you
so i lock us behind my bedroom door
but as the days went by
i looked in the mirror
and saw you die a little more inside
the sobs grew louder
your voice grew hoarse
leaving your throat as dry as powder
.....then you stopped talking at all
the world would disappear
through your tears
as you stare at the wall
one day i woke up and you were no more
i screamed your name
but you never came
you died in the middle of this mental war
i'm sorry little girl i let die
you left so quickly
i'm sorry i never said
goodbye
RIP to the little girl that lived inside me
Feb 2019 · 1.1k
Me
Lost Soul Feb 2019
Me
sometimes i look at suicide notes as inspiration  
and anorexia stories as instructions
but ...no don't worry
I'm just sad
i love true crime, Corpse Bride, sad poems, and dead flowers
but ... don't worry
I'm just happy
i stuff my true feelings, thoughts,and desires till it crushes me
but dont worry.....
I just love you
Feb 2019 · 635
Tears
Lost Soul Feb 2019
I've been there before.
Where you are so hollow.
When you cant even feel the tears boil up
because you've cry so many times that your numb.
I just stare off as my world blurs and disappears in front of me
Feb 2019 · 1.2k
Goodbye
Lost Soul Feb 2019
this is goodbye
I'm not a joke
I'm **** of your rants
stop telling me this lie
you dont love me
you love what I do for you
as long as I am
what you want me to be
...i cant do this anymore
i cant bottle my feelings
hide in my room
just to avoid going into war
I have to leave
i need to find my wings
and finally be able to breath
if i stay here
im gonna lose myself again
and see someone else
in the mirror
Eyes bloodshot from hours of crying
stomach acid burning
my hair a messs ... I stopped trying
I will get better.. I have to
this isnt living ,its existing
but if this is what you want
then I wish the best for you
Feb 2019 · 896
sad
Lost Soul Feb 2019
sad
why is it when Im sad you're glad and when I'm glad then you're mad?
Jan 2019 · 678
Mirror
Lost Soul Jan 2019
I stand in front of the mirror
I am ugly
I am fat
I am selfish
I'm worthless
I hate my body
I stand behind someone looking at themself in a mirror
You are beautiful
You are important
You are caring
You are worth it
You are smart
I say this because no one deserves to feel how i do
I dont want you to hate yourself too
Jan 2019 · 436
...
Lost Soul Jan 2019
...
i need you ...
where are you?
where did you go?
why did you leave?
I just found this as I was cleaning out my phone. It was supposed to be part of a longer poem but I ended up never using it. I kinda feel like with the weight of this questions, it is complete
Dec 2018 · 2.4k
Gloves
Lost Soul Dec 2018
you say your hands are cold,that you forgot your gloves
i look down at my hands
i take my only pair off and give them to you
i feel the cold air on my bare hands
i tell myself its not too bad and you'll give them back if i need them
hours go by
you still have my gloves
the muscles in my fingers become ridged from the cold
but i love to see you warm so i don't ask for them back
another hour goes by
you still have my gloves
i cant feel or move my fingers now
the tips are starting to burn...
i know this is the start of frost bite
but i don't want to take the warmth from you so i wait a little longer to ask you for them back

i finally gather the courage to approach you ...
under my breath, i ask if i can borrow them for a bit?
just to get the blood back in my veins?
you stare at me for what seems like forever...then you start to laugh
you say: i'm fine
you say: i don't really need them
you say: i'm dramatic
i say, i feel numb
i say: i just need them for a little bit
you say: i'm selfish
you say: i don't love you....that i want you to be cold like i am
you say: i'm a coward and say that instead of asking you
i should just learn to deal with it

i stood there not knowing what to say ... maybe you right?
so i decide to bare it , i bare it while my hands start to sting
i watch you with our friends as i sit on the side-lines
the love i have for you is the only warmth left in my body
i look down and my hands are turning blue now
i cant let me do this to myself
i realize i need to find help ...but that means i have to leave you
i never want to leave you
but you refuse to go with

after much consideration, i do what is best for no one else but me
i leave..
i leave while you still hold a bit of me
leaving was one of the hardest decisions i have ever made
This is my 2018. Interpret this however you want. To me this is a metaphor for my year. I gave alot of myself to people,to the point were my mental and physical health got really bad. Unfortunately the people I thought would be there, left me.
Dec 2018 · 647
Words
Lost Soul Dec 2018
"i'm sorry "
"i'm here for you if you need someone"
presses send

tears run down my cheek
i didn't realize
how much that hurt
i guess i'm still a bit weak
do u have a clue
i waited three months
to hear the same words
from you?
"if you need someone"
I opened every text
wiped away all my tears
use all i had left just to smile at you
but you just walked away
i stood there perplexed
Now its months later, a guy dies
and i saying these sacred words to you
i hate how i give some much of myself
to only receive lies
"i'm here for you"
you will never know
these tears are not for him
i never met him
so...
these tears are for my hope,
my heart,and my soul
that shattered one by one
because of you
No matter what people say words hurt.
Tell someone you know who is struggling that your there for them.
Unfortunately many of us don't ever get that.
Nov 2018 · 358
Depression Won
Lost Soul Nov 2018
im so sick of crying
im not my usual self
and im sick of trying
im not okay
i havent been for a long time
but no one seems to notice
anyways
im sorry im a broken thing
im sorry i disappointed you
depression is my soul mate
here ill show u the ring
i hate my life
there i said it
i guess im ungrateful
but i live in constent stife
i know im ruining myself
but with the irreversible mess im in
i really dont care
im as functional as a crooked shelf
my body is rejecting me
well get in line
cause it seems everyone else is
this isnt how i wanted it to be
its not fair
i had everything....
then suddenly nothing
i didnt realize i was that hard to bare
depression is my lover
hes my only constent
he helps me put on the mask
i use as a cover
i am not in a good place
im can no longer apologize
you hurt me and now u
cant even look at my face
i'm sorry i hurt you all
i didnt mean to
i assure u ,it hurt me more
its months later and i still bawl
i lost everyone
i lost myself
i lost the battle
congrats you and depression won
Nov 2018 · 1.9k
Thoughts
Lost Soul Nov 2018
cold,dark ,alone
crying , my sobs echo
shouldnt have looked at old messages
on my phone
sad,lonely,empty
tears stream my face
my past haunts me
suicidal thoughts try to tempt me
dread,hate,loss
i dread waking up
i hate myself
i grieve the loss
that i was never the boss..
of my life
Nov 2018 · 1.6k
Something
Lost Soul Nov 2018
Our relationship was strong
many things happened this year
I dont know quite
where it all went wrong
I try to connect with you
but you cut me done
Make it all about you
You say I'm making something out of nothing
but that impossible you can only make a something out of other somethings .....
You are my something
I built my life around you
If you liked it,I liked it
if you hated it,I hated it too
But I guess it doesnt matter
The only conversations we have now
is if i lost weight or am fatter
Your love is conditional
i just want to be myself
even if its not traditional
When did you stop loving me for me ?
I gave my life you to
I thought living for you was my destiny
You say I'm selfish
but im alway hiding my feelings, crys and desires from you
To be a good daughter was my only wish
Now I just crave acceptance
I cant live in your shadow
Im done...
Ive served my 18 year sentence
Nov 2018 · 225
Please Leave
Lost Soul Nov 2018
why don't you leave
i gave you permission
i'm pushing you away
i'm sorry but we've...
we've grown too far apart
too much hurt
too much unspoken truth
we would need a brand new start
you stopped fighting for us
so i did too
whenever i talk about you
its a struggle not to cuss
s* f*
when i wanted you...you left me
i moved on and
now you wont let me be
just please leave
lets just be hurt one more time ,so we can be done
its been three months
i can no longer grieve
I liked you...i really did
but you stopped liking me
you crushed my soul
i cried like a little kid
so just do me a favor and leave
i'm living for myself now
because no one cared
when all i wanted was to not breathe
please just leave
Nov 2018 · 3.9k
I'm not Sorry
Lost Soul Nov 2018
I guess you want me to say I'm sorry
But I cant...
You hurt me, put a bullet in my heart
Like I was an animal in a safari
I needed you...you left..said it was cause of something i lacked
I'm fixing myself, no thanks to you
And now you want me back?
I'm not the same as before
You were fine knowing that I was hurting
I had to pick myself up  
Harden my heart
now I'm  as cold as a stone floor
I loved you but I guess you didn't love me
I'm no longer sorry I did the things i did
I'm not sorry i gave up
Just like you did with me....
Nov 2018 · 1.5k
Pillow
Lost Soul Nov 2018
Thank you for soaking up my tears
I know there have been quite a bit
just this past year
Thank you for absorbing my crys
You muffle my voice
Cradle my face
while I scream "why!"
You have seen the worst
I prayed to die in your embrace
To be saved from this misery
To live left like a curse
Thank you for holding my head up
Even when I had no strength
to do it myself
You stepped in and acted as my back-up
I'm going to find my worth
I'm not no longer afraid
I'm going to live like its my last day on earth
Because I always know you are right there
Waiting for me to come back
Ready to take me as I am
No matter what emotions I bare
Nov 2018 · 1.3k
Stop! : A slam to my ex
Lost Soul Nov 2018
I don't need a ******* knight
No shinning armor, your a coward
All you cared about was yourself
While I couldn't fall asleep at night
Stop saying that it was to protect me
I don't need a ******* hero
Why couldn't we have talked about it
That's how a relationship should be
I don't need a ******* dad
You are not the deciding factor
You don't value my opinion
My feelings for you are over
Now I'm just mad
I don't ******* need this too
I have enough on my plate
Maybe you would know that
If you had your head out of your ***
I don't ******* need you
Your a selfish coward
Guess I'm not worth it, to try to make this work out
Wouldn't want to hurt you .... well boo ******* hoo
I've had the ******* months of my life
Trying to act like everythings okay
Not to be a ******
Snap you in between sobbing
Trying not to start a fight
Still cant eat,sleep, or do school but that was okay cause
I didn't wanna hurt you
I always put you first
but I guess you never did
that's why it'll never work
Being around you hurts.. so I cant stay
I'm done
I don't need a knight
I don't need a hero
I don't need a dad
I don't need this too
I don't ******* need you
Nov 2018 · 888
Regrets
Lost Soul Nov 2018
Should've kissed you
Should've fought for us  
Could've crawled into your arms
Could've taken advantage of the opportunities i had
Would've done so much more if I knew the hell I've put myself in
Would've said yes if you were to ask me again
But you never will,
Besides I'm trying to pretend I moved on
Just be your friend
We used to say "No regrets "
It was our version okay/okay
I'm so sorry you wasted your time on me
There so many things I regret
I'm sorry it turned out this way  
I understand if your upset....
I am too
shouldve could've would've game ......i hate it
Lost Soul Nov 2018
Dear J
when everything happened the way it did
I thought I'd never be okay
I wanted to end my life
stop being a burden
stop hurting other people
give in to the knife
these past months have changed me
I had no one to talk to
I sat at home
I hated myself , didn't know who to be
thank you for breaking my heart
I guess I had to fall on my face
reach rock bottom
to wanna fight for myself
to realize i need a new start
I still struggle everyday to get out of bed
I cant eat meals
demons occupy my head
but I'm going to live for me now
no longer will I be silenced
or be pushed down
I need to be me
unapologetically me
scarred, broken me
spontaneous me
i need to love me
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