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Lost Soul Apr 2021
When you are a mother..

You talk but don't listen
You spew hate and but dislike haters
You want to be loved but don't love
You listen to sermons on compassion then you scream at your kid when they tell you they're depressed
....or is that just my mother?

My mother loves to cry but lacks empathy
She quotes this book of life and almost let me take mine.....

She mocks happy couples but is clinging to her broken marriage
She wants respect but doesn't respect others
She hates judgy people but calls women ******
She hates a messy house but is a hoarder
She thinks she's dying but is in perfect physical health
My mother......
Drives down a one way road and think everyone else is going the wrong way

One day her mental illness will run everyone away...
leaving her not be able to make excuses for her actions.
Days awake in unwell sleeping patterns,
Mechanical days are flourishing, I've
Kinda wished everything wasn't so fast;
I kinda wish I wasn't alive.
I was taken away within stabilization,
Carried in the means of unstable air.
Bury me, I scream, reassurance is blared,
I open in the truths of holding no care.
I doted on ideations,
Creating my world wielded in shame.
Crested on my darkest demons,
Resting with every ounce of blame.
My molecules are crying out,
"The world uses broken tools"
If only this world understood me,
And the impulsivity of oncoming abuse.
Inside I am an unkempt person,
And days are passing more than I know.
I gifted your works with my happiness,
And it is now time that I let you go.
I can't forgive you but I can
Forgive myself for loving you.
Goodbye mom
My mom isnt a good person and I have to let her go in order to let myself heal
Sunny Mar 2019
She ran.
She was out there for five hours.
Walking. Probably running. I don't know.
She had a backpack on that entire time.

She ended up at a Wawa.
Funny that they call it that.
She had a friend pick her up.
Then she stayed with them for some time.

Her parents texted her, of course.
Saying things like "we want what's best for you."
While at the same time saying "why do you have to cause drama?"
It infuriates me to no end.

Her grandma came to pick her up.
She's pretty supportive, I guess.
But there hasn't been a text back since.
And I'm worrying all over again.

I had panicked at first.
Started shaking, almost cried.
I felt a subtle shiver in my neck, somehow.
Sweat-coated hands are irritating.

I guess I calmed down, but
I didn't know what to do or say to her.
Not like I can do much right now anyway.
We're miles apart, after all.

I'm scared she could go back.
I know neither of us wants that.
They'd berate her again. Call her a disappointment.
And other insults that I just won't say.

I just hope wherever she is, she's safe.
I hope her needs are met, and she's okay.
Sometimes, the worst outcome creeps into my mind.
But I push it back, because somehow, I'm still hoping.
I love her.
"She smells like ***"
I could hear them whisper
Did they really think that they were better
Just because I was 7 and smelled like ***
and they didn't cause they were cleaner than me.

"what a freak, she said she's part lizard"
Yes I did and also I'm a wizard
and I dont think you should call a wizard names.
Please stop laughing this is not a game.

"snicker snicker, we think we're better"
I see this and its not effecting me,
at least not now, in a conscious degree.
I am only 7 and i dont get why your mean.
I tried to be your friend, I told you my favorite color was green.
I told you how my dad was a super hero cop who faught the
aliens off.
I said that and I meant it too.
I thought you could tell me about your dad too...
Cause mine, well he's got alot of alien fighting to do.
and i haven't seen him since i was 5.
Oh my mom, I dont know if she's alive.
My grandma took me from her, I dont know why.
Something about germany, and *** slavery but I am 7 and dont know anything.
I told you about how my mom promised me a new world, she said i was her girl and we were leaving this place. She said the people here were of a lower race, and that when we got there it would be like outer space.
I told you how the power rangers lived at my house
and how even though im only 7 i still have a spouse.
told you my grandmother knows everything in the world and you can't convince me different Oh and she's rich, and i think shes a reverend. She reads alot a bibles, and tells me I may go to hell.
But hey remember I'm a wizard so I'll just cast a spell.

"she is crazy, i dont get her"
Your talking to loud to pretend that you whisper.
Your making to much fun to pretend that your better.
Because I may be 7 and I may be a wizard, I may smell like *** and I may be half lizard. But I'm a good person and I know thats what I am suppose to be. I'm nice to you, even though you hate me. I treat you well even though you berate me.  I try to impress you even though i see its no use lately.
I tried so hard but now I'm 8
Now My heart is filled with hate.
I've been abused,
My thoughts misused.
My mind mislead
My heart now dead.
Im Getting tired, and I'm gettign quiet.
You called me a liar  said you didn't buy it.
So i shut it. You dont want my stories
I dont want to tell you
dont want to hear my glory?
I dont blame you.
I'm useless. Im boring
Im stupid I'm dumb.
I'm 8 years old and I've stopped having fun.

But hey my moms back now, and she is living with me.
She hits me really hard, almost constantly .
You would never know that
and I would never tell.
I wonder if my grandma can send her to hell.
I wonder if you knew, if any of you would care...
That at night I am beat, and drug by my hair.
That I night I am hungry and far away.
That when not a school I am just as abused
as they way you do me here.
I was a messed up kid. just some stories from my child hood all mashed up together

— The End —