One year ago today
I got thrown aside by someone
..who promised me the world
On September 15th, I struggled to be okay

For three hours all I did was cry
"How could I let another person leave?"
"How could I push someone else away?"
"I'm sorry I ruined your life... I promise I didn't try "

Little did I know it would get worse
I had no idea what rock bottom was
I tried to reach out for help
And was told to deal with it
"Just let it run its course"

But on that day was the first time
I said that I wanted to die and meant it
I started dying inside
As people around me just watched
I was isolated..apparently depression is a crime.

From that day on I didn't stop crying
and will never be the same
Slowly but surely i pulled myself up from the pit
Suicide is a awful mind game

Crying went from hourly to daily and from weekly to monthly
It took at least 8 months and I'm still stuck on monthly
But I am getting stronger everyday
Don't take my story as a sad tale
It is a survivor's story
I am a survivor.

i want to say so much and nothing at all
i want to say i miss you and just bawl
i want to say im sorry and fix it all
i want to pick up the phone and call
but i know i can't because
im afraid.. again...  i will fall

i need you ...
where are you?
where did you go?
why did you leave?

People tell me to pray
They believe it will help
They say it will show me the way
But last year I prayed and waited
I waited and waited
Got beaten and bruise
I decided then I must be hated..
I was all alone
Day after day
I cried your name
Sang songs to you
But u never came
I thought I
was following your sign
But fell in another mental game
When I hit rock bottom
I was told all I do is whine
So why even bother
If I cant even be love by my own mother
Dear Heavenly father
Will I ever be worthy enough
To be called your daughter

I want to erase my brain
Erase all the memories
Everytime I was forced to take the blame
Here I'll explain
Imagine a world where everything goes wrong
And your feelings were used for peoples gain
The thoughts in my head are too much
I crumple in the pain
I want a restart in life
Before I go insane

My happiness  is an illusion
Even if I stand in a crowd
I feel like I'm alone... in seclusion
The demons in my head
keep yelling and chanting
I want to crawl into bed
My life is an illusion
I am what everyone want me to be
I live in their delusion
I learned not to fight it
I put on my happy mask
Remind myself its just for a little bit
I have reached a conclusion
I am not the author of my story
I am just the main character
Having control is an illusion

If you came here for happy poems
Then u came to the wrong place
I cant pretend I'm happy
Smile and lie to your face
If you wanted to be lifted up
Move along i cant help you
I'm corrupted
If you came here for some self help
I don't have enough help to even help myself
If you came for a love story
You missed the mark
I cant find love
I guess I'm too dark
If you were seeking hope
That word is a unwelcome as a cuss word
I have to wash my mouth with soap
If you come with loneliness or pain in your heart
Dear friend read my poems and I'll read yours ,thats a start
If you come broken and bruised
Message me so i can share the burden
We can swap stories, feel less abused
If you message me
I'll cry with you , I'll comfort you
But don't think I will be inspirational or filled with hope
I will bring my true self
Together we will figure out how to cope

Who am I? I'm confused
I feel like a tool
They use and abuse
I never do anything good enough
I'm a disappointment
I didn't know living with me is so rough
Maybe I should leave
Be a burden to someone else
While you pretend to grieve
It looks good...right?
Make you look holy
Like you never started a fight
You were my best and worst friend
I'm done with you and ranting
This is the end

You said you would be there
where are you now
its like you don't even care
you said you know whats best
your tongue is a gun
i've taken so many shots
i wish i would've had a bulletproof vest
you say u know the real me
but i've lost myself
can't remember  who i should be
you said you love me
you hold  too tight
i wanna run away from you and be free

Hi Everyone, I'm dead
Don't cry now
Where were you
When I lived in bed
No visits, texts, or calls
You were too busy
While I was alone in my room
Trying to remember to breathe while I bawl
Don't worry I'm not blaming you
Depression hit hard
I'm a coward
It was my fault too
I should  have done what was best
Stop pushing people away
Stop conforming to others wishes
Told my maybe boyfriend... yes
But its not about why or how
Stop crying,we had our chance
we blew it
I'm dead now

And another one leaves me
I cant keep anyone
Only those forced to be
Around me
One and two,three then four
One by one they leave me
I run after them but they slam the door

I get more damaged everyday
Now I know why others don't come
Leave everyone, stay away
I'm not worth it
If I could leave myself I would
I would stop being broken if I could
But I can't ....okay
I destroy things
I'm like a tornado...stay out of my way
Leave me before I hurt you
Leave me before I ruin you

why don't you leave
i gave you permission
i'm pushing you away
i'm sorry but we've...
we've grown too far apart
too much hurt
too much unspoken truth
we would need a brand new start
you stopped fighting for us
so i did too
whenever i talk about you
its a struggle not to cuss
s* f*
when i wanted you...you left me
i moved on and
now you wont let me be
just please leave
lets just be hurt one more time ,so we can be done
its been three months
i can no longer grieve
I liked you...i really did
but you stopped liking me
you crushed my soul
i cried like a little kid
so just do me a favor and leave
i'm living for myself now
because no one cared
when all i wanted was to not breathe
please just leave

Fear is a terrible friend
It stays by your side
There's never an end
You want to scream ,but your mouth is dry
Fear is a terrible friend
You want to believe you can live without it
But you lost the ability to defend
Fear is a terrible friend
You lose yourself to it
You don't have the strength to live without it
Fear is a terrible friend
It's a battle some of us face alone
When you say it out loud, most people cant comprehend
Fear is like a dog with a bone
It wants you buried and alone
Fear is a terrible friend

Nightmare
ghost, monsters,horror movies
don't scare me
i was fast asleep
while other kids were awake holding their teddy bears
nothing was as scary as inside my mind
where dark things live
no special effects
or off buttons to find
I cant run away
no point in burning sage
they're stuck in my head
as long as i live, they are here to stay
i've gotten so used to them, i don't wake up
they come every night
i've tried to get rid of them
but i haven't had any luck
Nightmare
  i am standing outside
  i feel the crisp air
  i hear barking,
  dogs foaming at the mouth ... running toward me
  the front door is locked
  they eat me alive, while i scream

  he has held me hostage
  he sees everything
  i try to run away but hes following me
  shout threats, starts cursing
  if i stop running i'm dead
why cant i have a good dream its not fair
Nightmare
they're not only at night
darkness follows me...covers me
without it i'm bare
its a part of me
what i'm known for
what makes people laugh
what i'm told is the real me
i try not to care
they don't know that every night
they are a part of my nightmares

Will there be a day
I don't let you down
Will there be a day
I'll want to be just friends
Will there be a day
I wont cry when I think of you
Will there be a day
I feel wanted when I'm with you
Will there be a day
I can look at you and not want to kiss you
Will there be a day
You love me as much as I love you