1000 grains of sand in my throat
And I was so naive, yes so.
After being the most suspicious person
I chose to believe, to show my deep grief.

1500 grains in my mind,
All horrible assumptions reunite,
I gave in once again into the light,
It turned out to be buried in the night.

10.000 grains are heavy and cold,
They creep through my heart.
And I was so naive, yes so.
But I had to get hurt to finally let go.

I wanna see you again
I miss your eyes
I wanna see you again
This madness, skies

I wanna feel your warmth
Your evidence
I wanna feel you more
Than ever did

I wanna touch you
Please, let me to
I wanna hug you gently
Under the moon

I wanna see your happiness
The crazy one
I wanna feel your breath
Until it's gone

I stay here with myself.

My body is safe. It is safe to relax.

I let go of control.

I choose what I focus on.

I deserve to feel good.

I am open to receive love, kindness and compassion.

Afraid to fall in love
And to fall out again.

Afraid to move forward,
To fall down in the end.

Afraid to feel,
To finally get hurt.

Afraid to steal
And not give back your heart.

Afraid to find myself
Then lose it straight again.

Afraid to let love happen
Before it all began.

No way, no face to look at,
No touch to dive into,
No taste of sweetness,
No electrifying feelings.

No time to give to,
No one to give the time to either.
No tension, despite of illusions.
No hope, only dellusions.

Happy thoughts aren't stable, no more.
Just impulsive, in circles they go.
Chased by fear, just like every emotion,
Drowning in the cold deep ocean...

Of Loneliness, Searching and Hoping,
But senseless,
The belief is gone.
I held onto it, for too long.

The focus now is on what matters.
But isn't what should matter - love?
It's complicated. Self-love is the basis.
Is it? My way is lost and I am standing here.
Wondering.
Love drips down from my fingertips,
A few more seconds and I let it slip.

I feel her love
But it is painful
In every gift I got from her
Something seems to be lost forever
I hope that it can still be found

In distance, melancholia
Fills up each moment of forgiveness
In self blame, doubt, I drown
Each feeling so that I -
Don't feel the pain and cry.

I try to see the positive
But guilt is underneath of it
What have I done?
What have I lost?
I am confused
And barely let her close.

I try. But there's a wall of what? between us,
Like a kaleidoscope, a picture hard to grasp.
It could be fears and anger,
But shame won't let me see beyond them, I confess.

A seed planted,
Turned around,
Hope.
A look planted,
Turned around,
Hope.
A smile more,
Turned around,
Hope.
Another look, longer,
Turned around,
I hope I touched your soul.

She sat there
Morning, 10 o'clock
A gray tanktop
A pair white socks
Dark yoga pants
And sun kissed skin
A few blond stripes
Brown, straight hair in between
The smell of her perfume
That heavy and sweet
Makes you wanna stay
Wanna bite on your lip
A pony tail hanging
And dancing around
Her head which is slowly
Turning around
Those eyes, for a moment
I don't recognize
I only feel my heart
Fall down and arise
The lips, full of glory
Adding to the face
A shameless expression
Makes me wonder what taste...
She sets up a question
With no single sound
She's waiting for action
My heartbeat is loud
She gets up -
Her eyes even closer to mine
And all I can do is
Watching them shine
She finally moves slowly her mouth
And makes her lovely voice come out
"What's wrong with you, baby?"
She's stroking my cheek
As soft her hand as gentle streak
I wish I could have said something
But now she seemed so sad and weak
I didn't want to upset her
I must have done something wrong
That made her feel bad
And this made me mad
I hated myself for an instant...

It was today that she told me...
And I had no idea.
She made me a cup of black tea
And told me - I had amnesia

And there's a mountain in front of me
A mountain of work, of disarray
A mountain of delights is behind this one
I can only see it when lights are gone

The mountains decrease
Doesn't change anything
There always will be a new mountain within
Cause I create em they're a part of the game
You don't need to care
You don't need to pay

Just carry them, carry!
So heavy around
Just think of it think!!!
Don't let them be drown
Stop thinking then stop
But how can I how?
To drown an own thought
Is like suicide, feels wrong
But you can decide
So do yourself a favour
**** pain.
**** the heavy
The hard life endeavor

I am
Simply
A
Human being.
And everything I am
Belongs to me.

Being
Imperfect
Being
Jealous
Being
Angry
Being
Healthy
Being
Silent
Being
Thirsty
Being
Dull
Being ...
Being ...
Being ...

A part of the crowd.
I am.
And all of this is enough.
And all of this is plenty.
And all of this makes me
A normal human being.

To lose yourself
Is scary

As not to know
The way

You see a million directions
And you're afraid to choose

You're overanalyzing
Lose touch to any feeling

You're transparent like a ghost
There's no sense in your existence

You see no sense at all.

Like a trombone
The sound of pain in mind
Your brain gets hurt
You're stuck

Can barely breath
Why breath at all?
If you're a ghost

You're scaring, hurting others.
What a shame.

Who will be ever able to love you?
It mustnt be true, it must be a game.

So tired
The baby next to me
Is loud
I'm worried
The thoughts
Run a marathon
And it goes
On
And
On
And
On
And
On
My heartbeat racing
My mind is tracing
Every fear,
That could come near,
It's more than insecurities,
It's rather severe.

I'm anxious on the train.

Today I will have fun
Alone
I'm doing this retreat
On my own
To be and feel again
At home.

Art is mystery
Art is ***
Art is disarray
Art is fact
Art is a slumber
Art is a storm

Art is not comparable at all

Art is for you
Art is for me
Art is for everyone
To touch and see
Art is aggressive
Art is kind
Art are you
And Art am I

A series of loves
Then - never good enoughs,
My life went on this way,
I thought each time,
I'll stay.

Driven by hormones,
Blinded by my trauma,
I kept building, recreating
Relationship - drama.

First I'd desperately fall,
For one or for them all,
I would try to please,
For dopamine-increase.

After some decades,
Many disappointments,
Looking at my pains,
Behind all the enjoyments.

Chemicals at play,
Needing sugar rush,
Thought my heart was longing
For a tender touch...
Though it was my brain.

Making me feel lonely,
Yet again insufficient,
Hurting so many,
On my way...

When will it end?
I need to stop.
And to sit with
What will come up.

As hot and cold as a stone
When it hits the asphalt
It hit me on the inside
When I suddenly saw you
from a distance tonight

The sparks burned bright
But disappeared within a second
The hope has died
It only seemed to be awaken

Ridiculous, to let the light in
Again. I fell back into memories
I better should go on and forget
How bad I felt those days

I gave you the power,
Do you understand?
How much you meant to me
How much I cared
Now everything is hidden
In the sand
of pale old memories

I never got to hold your hand
But I am still thankful for that
For the beauty and the feeling
For the taking and not giving
You taught me about myself
I discovered through you
How I am dealing with
Situations like this
To get hurt and to miss
To get lost and to find
To be weak and to fight
To lie, to cry, to laugh and smile

I say thank you and you
Will never know
How much I grew through you
Through high and low

I remembered everything right then
When I saw you tonight in an instant
As hot and cold as a stone
When it hits the asphalt...

Falling onto his back
But I want to fall on my own
Standing only leaning towards him
He is helping me to cope
Now I realize this
And it is not funny at all
I thought I was stronger
But it was his strength I was measuring
And I needed it
Though now the new times have come
Still wanna love him
But let him go.
So that I finally can simply hold his hand
Without putting all my weight and sorrow
On his shoulder.

I wanna have a bright tomorrow
And see it positively for my own
My greatness is hard to find
In insecure times
When I need to remind myself
Sometimes in rhymes
That my self worth
Is not connected to others
That it's also not dependent on success
That in fact I am already capable
To feel strong and safe on my own
Despite all the trauma I have gone through.

It is hard though
Cause one part still fears
Needs a saviour
Doesn't trust
Doesn't want to rely on myself
Doesn't know that I can help.

How to reach my self,
My hurt inner child?
How to let my partner go
And to rewire myself
With myself?

Can anybody understand what I mean?
I have a deep wound within.
I am working so ******* myself,
Really trying different techniques,
In the end art is what's helping my health and the stone inside of me shrinks.

Though the wound is looking for a substitute
And I don't want to feel like a ******* :D
I just want to give enough love to myself  
Isn't it enough to help myself?

How to end the unhealthy dependency
And still keep my relationship safe?
Does anybody know some kind of recipe?
Because I'm really looking for a way...

Now you talk like that to me
All emotional and all impulsive
I am tempted to reply
In the same unreasonable way

But because of that
I will keep it back
Staying calm for a moment or two.

To find the right answer for you.

I don't have time for self-analysis and overthinking. I live in the moment and here time doesn't exist.

Be a unicorn
Be just be
Float through grass
And to the sea

Be a seahorse
Be just be
Nothing is worse
Than not to be

Be a grasshopper
Jump through the green
Cause green means hope
And it guides every leap

Be a bear in the woods
Dance around every tree
Be the forest, the roots
Feel the nature, feel free

Be a small butterfly
Floating to every flower
Be a human, just be
And enjoy every hour

Belief is my cable
that is connected to the phone
that is there for someone to call
that someone will know the answer
that answer will change everything
that everything is my life
that life is short and long
because time is subjective.

Can one word change everything?
I BELIEF it can.

Who is calling?
My soul.

I don't know
Something's wrong
I feel weird
I feel low

Seems like a circle
All the way round
Feels like a bubble
Bubble of doubt

Doubts everywhere
Doubts here and there
The insecurities
Have become real

Why do I feel
The things I feel
The world is changing
All around me

I have to hear
And to perceive
This is not the world
This is only me

Not only me though
Me and my mind
They have caused this
They are combined

Since I know this
I have to go on
Being aware
Cause it's nothing at all.

If you and me were on a road trip to somewhere only we know.
Everything would be different.
If you and me had time to get away … into the nature.
If you and me had time to get away
We would, believe me, I would want it badly.
I'd love to show you places,
And to go places with you.
No need for other people, maybe apart from gas stations' salesmen.
Only us and the beautiful nature,
No social boundaries … just life.
Because you are just a person. And I am a person, too.
You have just the same needs, feelings, thoughts.
You have a soul that tries to understand.

Your smile is just as warm as a sun’s ray can be.
You saw enough of lies, of dark and scary forest paths.
You’ve been through this, you lost yourself.
You found the light to get out of the madness.
Still social boundaries were haunting you.
Tying you up and forcing you to ground.

You’re learning and that is beautiful to see.
How you adopt, you build up and progress.
You learned to step out for yourself
To stand strong, to survive the hell.

Sometimes you can’t believe what you’ve been through.
Sometimes you want to run away and to forget.
But life is here and now,
You need to stick to what is there. Right now.

Believe me, watching stars and riding horses.
Going to swim in clear blue waters,
Diving into the ocean… of love.
But I don’t know if that would be enough.

You can be anyone. You know that, right?
Nothing is given for or to us by our birth but life.

Belief is all that counts. You can become whatever you believe into.
Sometimes… and almost always… the societies are blind.
Listen to your own self and ignore what anyone expects.
Be and enjoy life for yourself.
You deserve this my darling, please believe.

…..
Let’s pretend we’re chasing stars with our glances,
But in souls we’re calm as this word could ever be.
Let’s imagine we can get away
And leave the society to live free.

Check in and
Check out
Breath in
And breath out
Let's play
A new game
Insane in the
membrane
Figure out
Too much
Feeling Free
Wild Touch
Catching Plays
I am ready
It went heavy
It went steady
Stop and think
First
Never be
Sad
Take your time
For this
A lot more
Than that
Having this
Right now
Makes me Question
Much
Waiting
Many hours
Until the
Real touch
Worth it
Was it
Still
It is new
To me
We felt same
Before
We felt differently
I'll embrace it now
And I'll take my time
There's no need
For structure
Feelings
Find the
Way

It's all about the choices
You're in a tornado of voices
And still the power is yours:
Feel free and simply choose.

Ciao! BYE! Adios
Baby

...No
...I said, I had enough

Tschüss! Poka! Stop smiling
Baby

...I don't need you
...I am done

See you next time! In the next life
Maybe

...But I am still here
Let me go now, I have to
Even if it's so hard
To say bye to you

Oh remember
Ciao! HI! Salut

...For the first time
...Me and you

I will never
Forget ever
But it's time
I'm moving on

... No
...I don't wanna start it all over

Goodbye baby
Now I'm gone

I keep judging people based on how they look. Including myself.

It's not me. It's a pattern in my brain.

A mysterious coincidence,
I love mystery, it's exciting,
Could it be a new romance?
Because romantic atmosphere is igniting.

I am thinking of you and your glances,
Shining brightly across the room,
But I still don't know the colour of your eyes,
From a distance I was watching you...

'Look at me', I thought, and there you did.
And you spoke to me right across the room,
You spoke of the day when we will meet,
For a movie and - I hope - a date.

You said, that you hadn't forgotten,
No way, of course you had not,
Don't worry that day you will see me,
From much less far, than so far.

I was a bit nervous, I admit,
But maybe you were nervous too,
I looked at your forearms, uncovered,
to see if I spot a **** tattoo...
or maybe even two.

But no, at least not on your forearms
And maybe you're not the person for that.
I am keen on getting to know you,
I am not gonna regret that we met.

So all my reveries keep on dancing,
Around me, my soul and my head,
Your eyes' spark from a distance,
The warmth that I couldn't forget.

I am pretty sure that you like me,
And for now that is all I want.
I am happy that I can tell you more,
Once we meet, only the two of us, for sure.

How likes sometimes dicatate me my self worth...
But I'm a rebel and I had enough.
From now on what I like - that counts for me.
That way I'll hopefully learn to be free.

Dancing at the equilibrium
Trying to fulfill the balance
Of the night
Of the night
Of the night....

Devastated
Caught
En-caged.
And inside me
Pure hate-rage.
I believe you,
You hurt, too.
But I was too naive,
Since I tried to believe.

Writing poems at night
I might
Dreaming subtle dreams
I would like
Diving deep into meditation
Everyday I experience pain-bration

In my left shoulder blade
And my upper back
There is no explanation
To that.

But today I had a breakthrough
Sitting still.
Breathing,
Feeling my aliveness,
Learn to feel...

Years ago
I have made a promise
I will not feel this pain,
It might **** me,
If I'm honest.

I ignored all bad feelings
Learned dissociation
Back then, I must admit,
It was a helpful creation.

But now, in adult years,
It's hard to cry those tears,
Which were suppressed,
Because of many fears

At home
In childhood years.

I know what's going on.
Oh now I see.
My heart's been warning me,
I kept ignoring thee.

Denial as in all the songs,
And in its stronger version,
Put it on myself.
I put it on, how you hurt me,
To keep moving on,
All proud, no doubt.

Pretending nothing happened,
I told lies, to me, to you,
I barely am ready
To see the truth.

Now however it's unleashed,
And it's gonna hurt
Just like it's supposed
Way back then,
When you hurt me.
You started to ignore me
And how dare you,
I ignored you too!

It was my only way,
It's been.
I am accepting it,
I will, I will..!
I know that I was fooling well
Myself, my friends, my mind.
But my heart always said no,
When I lied.

When I denied,
That in truth,
I didn't want to let go easily.
I didn't want you to ignore me suddenly.
I was hit cold blooded by your coolness,
I was left, scattered, shattered,
With a broken chest.

And alone I sat there, all alone.
But I tried to take care of my own,
So instead of looking down on me,
I pretended my heart to be complete,
And to leave, my head higher than your actions could reach me.

I denied that in truth I loved you,
I denied my emotions to you,
Because you weren't tied too close to me.
You wanted to keep things just casually.

What I connect with you
Is covered in pain
In black mud and dirt
All over

I slip and I fall
Over it again
If we play the same
Old familiar game

And we're both not that bad
No bad people indeed
But the hurt that's inside
Makes us lose our mind

It's my frustration speaking
Or shall I rather say weeping?
For a part of me knows
I don't want to let go.

Close to giving up on us
Closer than ever before
Maybe that's the only way
To be free and sane again

I am not ready to suffer
Until one day we will die
I need more than that
From this one and only life

Hoping you'll understand
My perspective someday
And that I won't regret
Whatever I'm gonna say

Trust me, all the dark mud
On our lips, in our hearts
Sealed up all the love left
Which was there at the start

Now when I am looking up
I am feeling empty
Looking at the stars  
So bright, but I was beaten by envy

I know deep inside
A part of me hates me
I hate me for the fact
That I failed to connect

That I failed to understand
My problem at it's core so that
I would know better and not regret
The decision I made based on that

I need now to accept the truth
But it's so painful
Having you
Beneath me

That's why my mind is looking
For a way -
to keep the distance
And to stay away

Even though it's not less painful that way.
What else should I say?
Have I done enough? Really?
Or am I simply sick of being the sick one after all?
How about what did go wrong in your childhood and home?
Is the trigger problem really only me?
Or is it both of us and we are both trying to be free...

No answer to my feelings, thoughts and states remains
Because the more I try the more I fail
To see and understand.
My mind is full of images
I can't pretend.
I need to know.
What I want after all.
******, life makes you wanna have a second chance. All over again. Till the end.
Feeling not much better than before.

But I know my dilemma is that all.

Drastically decided to make getting up at 7 am my new routine.
Self-compassion made me agree on giving myself 7 days to reach this.
Self-compassion also stopped me from planning any further agreements so that I can focus on only one for now.
This feels not overwhelming for a change.
This feels like I am giving myself the time I deserve.
Thank you, self-compassion!

Es wird nicht leichter
Und ich mach weiter
Bis der morgen
Weniger schwer ist
Bis mein Herz wieder
Atmen kann.
Bis ich wieder sagen kann:
Ich liebe mich.
Bis ich dankbar sein kann
Für die Luft.
Bis ich frei bin.
Bis ich ich bin.
Bis ich ich bin und
Mich nicht allein fühle.

Bis dahin werde ich
Weitermachen
Noch mehr lachen
Krach und Witze machen
Zeit allein genießen.
Auch wenn der Tag beschissen ist.
Ich geb nicht auf,
Wenn's am schwersten ist.
Niemand kennt mich so wie ich.
Niemand sieht meine Schmerzen ganz.
Ich bin deshalb für mich verantwortlich.
Ich werde mich nicht aufgeben, niemals.
Mit Schmerzen und Misstrauen schreib ich das.

Ich bin bereit mehr Gas zu geben.
Für mich und für ein schönes leichtes Leben.
Ohne traumatische Erinnerungen eben.
Ohne inadequate Reaktionen.
Mit lächeln und dem Wissen in mei'm Herz,
Dass jede einzelne Minute wert es war,
Mich zu dem Augenblick zu führen
Durch den Schmerz.

Early too early
I wanna sleep
But something is burning
Right in the deep

The thoughts, the ideas
Are crossing my mind
How long will they stay
I have to decide

They are impolite
I won't ever miss them
But they'll keep on coming
Again and again

With every visit
They'll put a weird pressure
On me
Like when you're in desert
And have to keep water
Until you see a village
Whith a certain relief

Sometimes I managed
To empty the bottle
Because I was certain
There was a fountain
But when I came closer
The hope broke all over
It was just another mirage
In my brain.

And they keep on visiting me again.

Don't lose
Your knowledge
Darling
Don't get lost
In your brain
Expecting
Something bad
Is surely
The wrong way
But good is
To rethink
The attitude
You have
To question it
In logic
There's a proof
Ahead
Step further
Don't be worried
Nothing can stop you now
Examine to the fullest

The free feeling
The round
The evident
The present
The beautiful
The rare
Emotion
Moment
Ground
Obsession
Love and care

And I felt nothing but fear
And I didn't know at all
How all this could disappear
And I didn't want to fall
And I couldn't tell myself
What I did want and what not
I need to find myself again
To be alone on my true own

Everything will be fine
Said she once
Said she twice

Everything will be fine
Just let it happen, alright?

Said she once, said she twice.

But this time, there's a difference

Because this time she herself is in this.
Waiting, waiting, she says to herself in distress
Waiting is the right way
For the moment, to escape
All those feelings insight
In her heart in her mind

"Let it happen" haha
"I just want to be far"
Far away from all of this
Even though she's gonna miss
Almost everything about him
Her and him - a perfect team

Trust is worth it
Be courageous
She is fearful
Never mentioned
How she felt ever before

Love is worth it
Scary word
She's frightened
She's shocked

She wants to hide
Though in her mind
There is a motivation

"I can't, I never mentioned..."
And all she knows after all this
That she's gonna miss his kiss
The one she never ever got.

Everytime I meet someone new
Who is cute, with interesting attitude
I get to choose -
If to save the contact or to lose...
I am starting to imagine me
Being in love desperately
Having settled a romance suddenly
Being able to become a couple

I don't know if I am starting too early
But I know for sure, he does too
Because I don't think I ever have to worry
About me having this attitude
My friend once said:
It's good to keep the naivety
Instead of learning from failures negativity.
I guess I'm gonna follow the advice
And I'm not gonna rethink it twice
Sometimes
You gotta live and let it happen
Sometimes
This is the way it should be done
It is so often here and now or never
So take this moment, do what feels right
And what makes fun.
This way you're gonna gain experiences
All of a sudden you become enriched
I am not trying to teach you a lesson
Your life is the one who is gonna teach :)

Afraid to feel
To touch and heal
Afraid to see
Reality

Afraid to hope
And slip of the rope
Afraid to believe
And fall into grief
Afraid to love
And not be enough

Afraid to leave
Step beyond my walls
Afraid to let go
Fly above the shores
Afraid to accept
And lose sense at all
Afraid to fall
To feel hurt and nothing more.

I am afraid to get lost in the pain.
I am afraid to stop breathing by shame
I am afraid to feel shattered again
And to think that all life is vain

Allow the feelings to come to you
Only this way you will ever discover
If what you fear could possibly be true
Or if it was empty and you can recover

Go on. Open up! Now.

I don't have to be sorry
Not at all
My conscience will fall
And let me alone
I will not regret
Not one thing
Not one
I will feel
Instead of fearing
I will see
Instead of hiding
I will go there
Meet it
Face to face
I will not let myself die in disgrace
I will fight for what I want
I will go there, fall, get up again.
I'll be strong
And stronger
Than I have ever been
I will be golden
Rock solid,
Deep with every emotion within.
I will fight, I will fall, and get up.
I will know how to call myself up.
To be able to look it in the eye
No matter how scary,
No matter how much I denied everything before.
Now and forever more
I will be who I truly really am
I will be myself, honestly
I will be and be and be and I will BE
Fierce and fiery and unapologetically ME.

How to be free
How to be me
I need to find
Myself

How to pursue
What's made for you
Still not forgetting
Health

Hell what is this
I am nowhere
Can't find it
Have to fight

This promise
I gave to myself
I need to stick to it

For my own soul
On my true own
Find myself in the deep

I am enough for myself
I have a really good health
Today and everyday I will be grateful
For every wonderful deep breath
💖