you're seventeen years old
it begins with confusion and ends with thinking
you're too old yet too young
you want to be set free
yet you want to hide at the same time

you're seventeen years old
and you feel the gravity
of the sleeplessness
tug on your eyelids gently,
saying "go to sleep" during the wrong times

you're seventeen years old
and you think you've found solace
in the noise and silence
but you somehow hear the heartbeat
of cities far away
and you feel small in your own bedroom

you're seventeen years old
and by now you thought
you would have learned to love,
and you have learned to love
in the right ways but for the wrong people
and still you haven't learned to love yourself

you're seventeen years old
you've done the worst and best
and you need to be reminded of this:
you are still growing
and you will be okay.

7 minutes our eyes meet
6 minutes our hearts beat together in lights and sound
5 minutes your rhythm keeps my fears at bay
4 minutes your smile is all i've ever known
3 minutes my heart starts to sink, i feel you slip away
2 minutes you're off to another place
1 minute you're far away and i'm here

Alone.
By September until who knows when, that is how I will start and end my days.
Calm mornings will no longer begin with the sound of your chatter.
Dead silence will fill the air as I eat my dinner all alone.
Every empty chair will be a reminder that you are not home.
From spending almost every waking hour together, we will only exchange brief messages each day.
Growing up has led us to this—one of you in Manila and the other one in Tokyo.
I’ll feel stuck in the four corners of my little room while you’re both someplace else.
Just the thought of not having both of you around makes me feel like a deer caught in the headlights.
Kisses, embraces, and affectionate teasing only older sisters could ever give will become less frequent…
Loneliness is something I have never known.
Mom and Dad will still be here, but they will be busy too, and I would not want to bother them.
Nothing will fill in the spaces of the house the way they’re occupied while you’re here—
One of you painting in watercolor by the windowsill, the other one listening to music until the wee hours of the morning.
Please always tell me about your day while you’re away, no matter how ordinary or great it may be.
Q¬uiet the noises that will shout in the head of a younger sister who is all alone.
Rise and live the way you have always wanted, but don’t forget about me.
Shine to the world the way you shine in my eyes.
Think of me as I think of you.
Ultimately, all I will do will come down to waiting for you to come back home.
Vinyls we share will rarely spin, the books we borrow from one another will be left to dust on the shelves.
What was once a house filled to the brim with voices and love only sisters could have will feel spacious and empty.
Xylophone clanging and the strumming of the guitar from the childhood we shared will seem so distant, but I will do all I can to make it feel like you are not far away—
Your favorite song will come up on the radio on some nights and I will sing along as we would sing together:
*“Ziggy played guitar, jamming good with Weird and Gilly, and the spiders from Mars….”

i knocked on your door
and entered your room,
the first thing i noticed
was the way the sunlight
filtered in through your window
and the photographs you put on your wall
were these pictures of the people you loved?
the places you wanted to see?
i almost stumbled
trying to avoid the books
scattered on your floor
you said it was alright,
they didn't matter to you anyway
i looked around
and found that you tried to fill
every blank space of your walls
with maps, posters, notes, reminders—
did they give you company
whenever you felt lonely?
the stereo in the corner
was blasting tunes from the 90s
and i saw the way you hung
your favorite jacket on your chair
and the way your desk
had piles of papers and little snowglobes,
your reading light hung right above
where your head would be when you slept,
your wardrobe was a mess
spitting your favorite hand-me-down's,
i wanted to get to know you more

and that's when i knew
i was on holy ground,
treading upon a world
i suppose not everyone sees...
thank you for letting me in.

sit down and listen to the sounds of the world.

the gun shots and explosions echo through continents
and you hear the pleas of the hurt and murdered.
the night's music fades to white noise and screams in the ears of men who loved men,
the black woman is trapped in the passenger seat after watching her black lover get shot by a cop for a headlight,
a thousand muslims are hurt and killed in the midst of a holy celebration,
young boys and girls no longer laugh but cry in desperation.

people are killing in the name of faith, and color, and love they deem wrong,
the body count gets higher and higher
as the tears cried and the blood shed
form a well the world is drowning in.

the sweet smell of life turns to death and grieving,
and in times like these, we stand for the threatened, we heal the hurt and broken.

with your voice, tell stories of the murdered and their kind that show they're human too.
with your arms, fight for rights and understanding the oppressed deserve.
with your hands, help and guide the ones who are now afraid.
and with your heart, love radically
until love is enough to put the pieces of this world back together.

if you think you have ignited
a flame of anger in my soul,
you are mistaken.

instead, you have forged winter
in a summer heart
where flowers once grew
and rivers once ran.

you had already made your way deep
into the summer,
found the heat and drought
beyond the breeze,
you had treaded lands
where no one ever has
and seen the parts of my soul
i could never dare to show anyone else,
in trust as steady
as sunny afternoons on the porch.

but you are a catastrophe—
you changed the world's climate
with momentous feelings
and carelessness,
instant gravity
and secrecy—
you have shifted the tides
and now the sun has gone away.

so in this heart,
the season has changed.
the summer has gone
and there is only an aching winter
where the snow is a million feet high
and the moon sinister,
the night is almost unkind,
but it is not angry,
instead it lingers in silence.
the air is so cold
and almost impossible to breathe in,
and there is no longer any warmth
but the coldness of a broken heart.

why do i feel like i'm always in love?
it's because you were, with me
there is a sense of familiarity in pretty things like flowers
because we once loved them, together
what am i looking for?
you're looking for me as i look for you
i feel so lonely all the time
i wish our paths would've aligned at the same time so i could be there
why do the spaces between my fingers feel empty?
i should be there holding your hand
this bed is too big for me
i wish i could wake up to you and watch the sunlight kiss your face
maybe in the morning i'll feel better
don't forget to have your cup of coffee, i know that makes you happy
i wish somebody would hold me
i'm not strong enough to reach out to you through the boundaries of time, space, and distance
i feel like i'll never be pretty enough for anyone
to me you are unreal, the most beautiful, and i wish i could tell you
this song is too beautiful to only be heard by me
i'm listening, i'm listening
i wish i had somebody to love who loved me just as much
*i wish we weren't separated by fate and time so i could be the one to love you

I look to you
And suddenly flowers grow in strange places—
Between alley ways, on top of jukeboxes, in my heart.
I could never forget the fragrance of your youth,
Seemingly arrogant without ever meaning to,
You spring out of confidence I would not blame you for having.

And you bloom so beautifully,
All the vines grow quickly just to be where you are,
And the sun comes out at dawn just to see you.

Your face may lack symmetry
but it was carved by the hands of angels
who loved you so much,
they made sure you were brought to this world
in the most beautiful way possible.

Your song, like the sound of heavenly harps,
rings through my ears night and day,
and I pray to God
and to the angels that made you,
I plead for their guidance,
because as the days pass
I fall deeper and deeper in love
with you.

i'm sorry i look at you in disgust,
i'm sorry i hate you
even when you fight
so your bones don't break
under the burden of my being,
i'm sorry i'm always wishing
i were in some other body,
i'm sorry i neglect you
and think you're not enough,
i'm sorry i've bruised and scarred
what once used to be your pristine skin,
i'm sorry i tell you
you are not worthy and beautiful enough

i'm sorry i can't learn to love you
when you're all i'll ever have

it's been so long,
by any chance do you remember me?*

your streets are still the same,
alive regardless the time of day
like everyone wants to keep the sun and moon company.
the avenues are still a grid—
i've memorized you like the lines on my palm
and understood you as a mystic would.
callcenter employees still line the uneven sidewalks,
you're still littered with their cigarettes and bottles.
construction workers still stand at the edge
of the industrial temples they build
as if they're kings of the city,
and your streetlights still stand tall
to guide every human being
as they find refuge in your little coffee shops and apartments.

no, nothing about you at all has changed,
at least through my eyes.

but my heart tells me otherwise.

something's missing—
it's the school girls i once knew
who went about these roads
searching for any kind of refuge
from the woes of growing up,
who trudged the streets in leather shoes
making you a home.
they're gone now,
off to farther places and newer cities,
but here i am as i return to you
and somehow i still feel them,
alive and well:
their beautiful voices and roaring laughter,
the dreams they built in you,
the moments that made our hearts leap as great as the heights
we are yet to reach,
it all echoes through your alleyways.
and i'll never forget them—these distant friends and pretty souls—
the way i love your streets filled with our memories.

i am distant,
i am drifting through space.
i am floating,
i am paddling through waves.
i am hiding,
i am alone among the flowers.
i am dreaming,
i am half awake through each day.

i am closing the door,
i am leaving this body,
i am okay with being alone,
i am saying goodbye.

nobody looks for me anyway—
and that's alright

i want to think in philosophy,
to speak in prose,
to act in proverbs,
to admire in odes.
i want to love in sonnets,
to feel in poetry,
i want there to be literature
in every part of me.

the trees seemed to peer over us, a story that could begin,
with their leaves falling like autumn
in a country where there was no fall
the wind seemed to give me a little nudge—
in between our laughter i could have told you
i wanted to hold your hand
right when yours brushed mine
i could have asked you to tell me
if you had gotten home safely that night
right there and then i could have told you
that at night i pray for you,
that i always wish we had more time.

while i was sailing freely
under pretty blue skies
on a calm blanket of water,
who tied an anchor to my ankle
and pulled me down
towards the torturous sea floor
eclipsed by darkness,
in the depths of my mind?

i searched all over the seven seas
as if i were searching for Atlantis
and i found the answer, i had forgotten:
i did it to myself
it was me, it was me.

This is a rebirth—
I will bid farewell to all this hurting,
I will shed this skin along with what I once felt,
and leave a little thank you note on the fridge
for all the bad days when I felt like sinking into my bed to disappear.

This is a reincarnation—
I'll revel in the familiarity of days long gone like past lives,
I'll listen again to the songs I loved when I was fourteen
and perhaps find new meanings,
I'll search for the innocence I lost to time and age,
and hang on to every bit of soul and memory I can muster.

This is a renaissance—
Little by little I shall rediscover my body and heart,
My soul will awaken with curiosity and be fuelled with a lust for life,
I'll fall in love once more with the world in a different light.

This is the revolution—
It's the dawn of a new age of knowing my own worth.
I have allowed myself to feel and hurt, to love and lose.
Like rebuilding a fallen civilization
I will step forward defiantly and vulnerably,
I will love myself and live unlike before.

radio blasting Bowie
and the manila heat so strangling,
messages streaming in
only to be ignored,
deadlines pile up
and so do the dreams
and the skyline,
visible from the window
is a reminder of what's beyond
the mundane and this difficulty,
a reminder of what i've yet to see.

sometimes your eyes are like planets,
wide and round with wonder.
a look into them shows the worlds that orbit in your mind
and the stars that swirl in your chest.
you're forever as young
as seventeen revolutions around the sun,
but your wonder has already been enough
to send you to the stars.
you've flown lightyears
enough to listen to the echoes
of time and memory contained in space dust,
you've made these sounds your songs.
you've commanded shooting stars
and hung from them,
swinging from tail to tail to get to the moon
and believe me, from my windowsill,
i can see you've made it when your moonlight shines on me.
now that you are up there,
i hope you like the view,
at night, i'll always look outside
just to admire you.

he's a heartbreaker with the world at his fingertips,
he glows nonchalantly without trying,
he's devil-may-care, he laughs freely like cherubs
and his life is set out like a map,
the distance between us ever growing

and i am merely another flower in bloom
among a field of daisies,
i walk on pavements with my head down,
so adrift, a deer caught in the headlights,
and i'm always wishing i were somewhere else

but despite the differences of our universes, i wonder,
does he ever get lonely too?
does he still have time to stop and smell the flowers?
is there somebody he can talk to?
and does he think about what it is like
to live an ordinary life like mine?

perhaps on one cloudy day,
by chance, if the universe would allow,
an unlikely exchange could transpire—
he can hide from those flashing lights
and i can run from my worries,
and on a little bench where our disparate worlds will collide,
we can sit together
to simply talk and watch the world go by.

i speed through a new freeway,
i think about the last one we just exited

i walk along provincial sidewalks lined with pine trees,
i miss the pedestrian lanes of a glaring city we left behind

i drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning cold,
i dream of feeling california's sunlight on my skin

i come across new faces and places,
i think only of the people i miss

i am faced with chances to make stories to tell,
i dwell on the moments i wasted instead

you come to places then leave,
that's just how life goes,
however, detachment is something i've never known

some barber once told me
i was too fat for my own good
and little me was heartbroken
his harsh words weren't understood

because i was okay when i looked in the mirror
and mom and dad loved me so
but when the barber blabbed on and on
i knew the chubby arms and legs had to go

and so i felt bad for years
until one day i suddenly thought:
i don't even go to that barber's barber shop!
i don't need to worry about the things i'm not!

it's a resounding voice in my head,
"be more. be more. be more. be more. be more. be more."
there's a fire in my heart and
i can never feel enough in my own skin.
the world feels bigger than ever
and i feel smaller in the four walls of my bedroom,
and i want to do more
see more
feel more
be more
but i don't know how to.

it’s not your fault, none of this is.
it’s not ignorance that makes you so naive.

it’s your purity,
your brokenness,
your stubbornness
and your refusal to believe
that you are worthy of at least an ounce of love, a minute of time.
and i am so sorry the world has tossed and turned
your heart, bruised beyond repair.
it still beats
but with the sounds of loneliness
and all your favorite songs.
i am sorry all you’ve ever known
is to be alone,
so much that you do not know how to accept love.

i am losing my mind
seeing you so lost, so lonely.
how i wish i could take your hand
and lead you through these roads
i myself do not know well,
but would navigate just for you.
how i wish i could loosen your blindfold
for you to see the way.

silly you—
how many more hearts are you going to break
until you realize that you do
because you are loved?

trained to protect
armed in heart
dressed in courage
camouflage clothes
brave hearts
murdered unjustly
brave hearts
who were put down
by the gunmen
brave hearts
caught in the web of conflict
when they were the fearless
who only wanted
to keep us safe

how did you do it?

how did you catch her eye
when she was too shy to even lift her head
to look at the world around her?

how did you get to know her,
how did you get to learn of the little things about her,
when she barely speaks of herself?

how did you break into her little heart,
when she built walls around it
because she never felt pretty enough?

how did you change her mind
to stop believing that life is not meant
to be lived in your own,
when she had always been content with being alone?

how did you get her,
a lonely, solitary soul
only in love with books and dances,
to fall in love with you
as you did with her?

perhaps if i breathed deep enough
i could inhale the entire universe
and for a moment's worth
i'd feel the stars swirling in my chest,
the seas dancing in my lungs
and the winds running through my veins

and perhaps, if i exhaled just as much
i would breathe out the world
from my skin and bones,
and let it take the weight of sadness
that i carry in my chest.

it doesn't matter
whether you're on the edge of seventeen filled to the brim with life,
or old and grey with eighty six years' worth of stories—
we have all been built by the same golden hands of time
and carved by the strength of memories.
a natural longing
for dreams and foresight
propel us to move forward
despite the storms of the heart or of life itself,
in all its ugly, glorious grandeur.

so take time to celebrate you:
your revolutions around the sun,
your tears,
all the pieces of your glass heart shattered on the floor,
your laughter, your words,
and all your golden days.
**you are,
and always will be.

the tides are turning
the seasons are changing
you have carried weight on your shoulders
far too heavy for anyone so young
and the world is spinning
like windmills in the sky
or the arrows of the compass in your hand

but never fret
you are never on your own
when the sky watches over you
and the clouds walk above you
the moon is in awe of your stories
and the sun comes out every morning
to shine on you
the breeze sings a song
for your ears only

and you are never on your own
when the world itself is alive
inside of you.

being a city girl with dreams is no good
when you're stuck in the middle of a grid.
you're choked by the smoke,
blinded by the lights,
trapped in the traffic,
and silenced by the busy streets
so much that if you sat by an open window sill
and screamed your heart out,
you would not be heard.

The flying colors struggle to break free
But they're caged in my body because my mind tells them that
They'll only be seen as black and white
In this world painted by other artists
With better shades, different hues
The most fierce of red and enchanting of blues

And what am I to them?

I'm merely faded greens, dying yellows
The color of flowers that die come winter
Colors used and blended a million times over.

Because I was once a color that was never quite right
And I changed myself, mixed myself up
I threw myself around palettes like I was worth nothing
And now I don't know what I am.

i have traversed the galaxies through time,
i have glided on saturns rings,
i have swung from the sun's rays like vines,
and i have seen the brightest of stars ignite into space dust—
yet nothing the heavenly bodies
and all of the cosmos offered
could ever come close to the brightness of your being.
and perhaps some day,
the constellations will lead me to you.

darling, don't be light years away—
come into my universe.

I drown in the depths of your ocean
I hang from the noose of your words
I suffocate as you take the air I breathe
I am pale from your winter so absurd

I burn by the scorching heat of your dessert
I am lost in your maze of lies
I am scarred by the blade of your selfishness
And I am blinded by the beauty of your light

days fly by quickly
like leaves in the wind
but let's not worry—
together we can watch them drift away
time promises of more beautiful days
and by your side i will stay.

Antonia, it’s time to rise today
Your breakfast is ready, your tutor waits
“Time is running", mama says
There’s much to learn as a princess

Antonia, follow whatever we please
Stand tall and straight, hide your scarred knees
You’re no longer a little girl
You’re bound to be a queen of the world

Antonia, quickly, put on your shoes
Lace your corset so it’s anything but loose
If you’re short of breath, you’ll have to wait
A true royal must never be late

Antonia, there’s no more time to play
With your chin up, follow what we say
You must learn to be a trophy of France
To walk with grace, to speak, to dance

Antonia, stop laughing like a witch
Don’t be a disgrace, you’re not a *****
You’ll change your name and all in between
Marie Antoinette is who you are as queen

Marie Antoinette, with beauty from the gods,
You’ll marry a man you’ve never loved
You’re off to France, now say goodbye,
You are to leave everything behind

Marie Antoinette, you lover of life,
With your luxury and power, your kingdom’s in strife
As you live your own Versailles delusion
Your kingdom is brewing a violent revolution

Marie Antoinette, do you remember the sweet days of sixteen?
Here it all ends, with a cruel guillotine.
Antonia, free spirit, never meant to be
A girl chained by royalty, a reigning queen.

sing to me the harmonies
of your resounding truth

teach me how to live with the light
of your heliocentric life

mend my messy human heart with
your strong yet gentle hands

show me how to fight like a god
with your bow of silver

strum me the way you play your golden lyre
on starlit evenings by the sea

let me kneel before you and worship you
in the ruins of your temple

and every morning
when your trot along the clouds on your chariot
to bring the sun across the sky
look down and find me,

and know that i will be waiting.

dear icarus,

i've watched you toil your youth away
all because you have been growing your wings of freedom
to be freed from the life you are locked in

with your calloused hands,
you have put on your wings of feathers and wax,
you are ready to fly across oceans
and escape from this labyrinth
of loneliness and fatigue

but icarus, remember those wings may break
you're shining boyishly, you're coming close to all those stars like stage lights
after aching and fading in the dark
you are seeing the sun for the first time
and it is all you want
but even the brightest and prettiest of lights can burn you out

icarus, come back safely
remember the world beneath you
and the love that the earth
has given you all these years
fly back down here
and i will do all i can to keep you safe.
before the ocean of wreckage pulls you into its depths
and it is too late

i wish i could have helped you fly
i wish i could have given you wings crafted by Hephaestus himself
i wish i did not have to see you fall
blinded by the light of the sun
as you sank into the depths of the ocean

i wish i could have caught you with my arms
when all you wanted was to be free
i wish i could have saved you
before you flew too close to the sun
and melted your wings

our universes never shared
any sort of symmetry,
parallel as they will always be,
but icarus, i do not know why
i carry the weight of your undoing.

this life tells me i have never known you before,
but your face is already an image i have seen,
your voice is a resounding song in my head,
your speech and your thoughts feel so familiar
as if i have already spent time talking to you
until the wee hours of the morning,
and our thoughts seem to connect and weave into fabric
as warm as the blankets that cover me at night.

it is strange, isn't it?
the way a stranger could feel so familiar?
i do not know why,
but i believe that we have met at some point in the past,
perhaps we already knew each other
when we were living previous lives
we cannot call ours at present.

but whether it is fate or coincidence,
i am glad our paths have crossed again.

have you ever been brought to tears by a single rose?

i was once given a rose
and when it started to wilt
i cut the flower from the stem
and held it in my hand.

its petals were closing,
longing to hide in a bud,
and like a child searching gardens
i opened the bud, piece by piece,
to discover what it hid beneath the bloom.

i spread the petals and it seemed to never end,
the stamen heart hidden deep inside,
and i began to cry -
these petals were soft as silk,
the pink rose could've sang me with a lullaby,

and i could not believe
that in such a chaotic world, a noisy life
i could still afford to hold something so delicate, so soft
in my own calloused hands.

two like beings made from the same stardust
two souls meant to be one
but separated by the laws of space and life

now they spin on neighboring orbits
of different speeds—
on some days they come close enough to meet but they never do.

doe-eyed darling illuminated in stage lights,
schoolboy wanderer with ambition,
devil-may-care child of Adonis—
you are an artist in every breath and movement,
your voice is music in itself,
you turn your struggles into rhyme and reason,
your thoughts are a mirage of pastels,
you are unreal, a canvas upon which
youth paints its wonders on

you are so in love with the world,
every night i look to the stars
and hope the universe lets you see as much of it as you please

*and oh, how i'd love to be by your side through it all

do not tell me to stop feeling
when it is what makes up my entire being
do not tell me to stop loving
when it is the only form of my healing

i am not afraid to say i need you

the last thing i want to happen
is for you to leave

darling, you're breaking my heart.

I hear white noise in the evening gloom
Alone in my head as the wind blows
Then the stereo plays your song, quick and quiet
And it takes me to places nobody knows

You've always thought that no one listens, but I hear your music, I do
I'm listening to your lovely words, your midnight secrets
The things you're too afraid to say in the silence
The words inside that are dying to be set free

Then something tells me your song is about to end
But you don't deserve to fade out the way you always do
So please keep going, keep talking, don't leave
And I'll keep listening.

i know you'll leave me breathless and blue
yet i can't help but think about your sparkling eyes
and the way you creep into the space beside me at four in the morning,
when at 2 am you were probably still at some bar,
watching girls and boys from afar and feeling hollow.

i know you'll leave me dumbfounded and empty,
yet i can't help but think about the way you look at me intently
and take a smoke on your never ending cigarette
then you close your eyes and blow wisps of grey that surround us
for some reason, you'd look so beautiful in the haze and night
but that same smoke suffocates me so slowly.  

i know you'll leave me broken and silent,
yet i can't help but think about the way you wrote me that post card
when you said you hated writing
or the way you held me close the first time i got drunk,
and the next morning, half asleep with the sunlight piercing my eyes,
i felt you getting ready to leave without saying goodbye
yet you kissed me on the forehead.

and someday, i know you'll leave
yet i can't help but love you with the way you make me want to disappear
with the way you talk and write songs and drive to other places
without ever telling me when you're going to go

but i don't want you to go.

don't pin the bird's wings
don't keep it in its cage
let it fly as it may
in the light of day.

believe in its wide eyes
don't heighten its fear—
it has seen the world
and loved enough
to know where it wants to be.

set the bird free,
and instead
watch the sun shine
on its lustre glowing wings,
hear it sing the song
of a heart that is finally free,
listen to its story
when it describes the world
in its eyes,
and watch its graceful form
as it flies through blue skies.

don't pin the bird's wings
don't keep it in its cage
let it finally see the light of day,
let it fly as it may.

From the suburban trap I could never call home,
I speed through the freeway.
I could not possibly be late
for a little rendezvous with a lover —

My lover being the city
With its promises preserved in concrete.
I see the skyline from afar, lined with towers and smog
And I feel alive the way lovers do with one another.

And before I know it, I'm cruising along avenues
Uniform houses of white turn to skyscrapers,
I feel the subway slither beneath, filled with all kinds of stories,
As my heart beats to the footsteps of pedestrians.

And I stop at the main thoroughfare,
What was once the dull light I've always known
Now shines through an urban prism
And muted hues turn to vibrant, living colors.

And I am here in the glorious city,
I am looking at a mirage of light and sound,
In all its color, I hear it speak to me:
You are alive, you are alive.