Standing on a pedestal
Bleeding on a stage
Colored insides for the aesthetic
Beautiful gore
Enhancing your beauty with gore
Showing other people my bones
An idea of perfection being nothing but blood and bone
I lay here and laugh
At the body, i’ve destroyed
At the skin i've hurt
And the insides i've boiled
The commercials show the ideal size
So the people that tell me
The one that I killed
The one that I saved
Whoever would stop me
From crumbling bones
And melting eyes
Limbs are falling off and getting lost
But i'm the idea of pretty
With the gore falling away

Waiting for a sign of freedom
Waiting for someone to see me
Nothing I do is good enough
all I do is full of love
What if I said you were too much
It’s a lie,
But I’m a heartless being
I want to see what would happen
I wish that I could care
And I kinda do, I swear
And If I were to stay
There would be no other way
If I could say,
What I really thought
You’d know for sure, that I am a bad person
And I wish it was so easy
As for you to say you love me
But my internal organs say you hate me
I know you say,
“It isn’t true”
But what do you think I am? Sane?
Well, you were wrong
I’ve been with me my whole life
I’d trust myself, on a rare occasion at least
Because I’m a special case
One that’s about to break
And I know you can’t take
Any more of this, And that’s my fault,
I’m sure but what makes you
So sure?
That I would save me if I could
I’m a domino effect
So how about let’s go a set
A knife right onto my open arms
Ready to erase me and
Ready to embrace you
I don’t know what I’m seeing
All I can tell you is that
I’m a heartless being

We hexed the moon
We burned downtown
We killed Carlos
We started a plague
We started riots
We almost started a 3rd war
We protested and got shot
We killed our year
We said it would be better
We lied and broke it
We tried and failed it
And now I'm sick of resentment
But we can improve it

They can separate themselves from their demons
I can’t
The demons I carry around have been my best friends for so long,
I can’t tell the difference from them,
And me
They know when a thought is being placed there from something non-human
I don’t
They talk so much it pours out my mouth
The demons say they love me,
So Me, being desperate for love
Accept them
Then I follow their rules
- eat little- sleep none- cry always- tears never
And so many more
I’m no longer self-regulated because I'm no longer myself
They swallowed me
Since I can’t tell the difference between us, I willingly gave myself up
Traded myself
For a monster
That only brings others down, or drags me down, to lift others higher
They have become me
They are me
There Isn't a distinction anymore
There isn’t a red font to tell me what ideas to avoid
Because I don’t avoid any ideas at all
Nothing is off-limits, they tell me if I see a thought,
Take it
No matter who it hurts, especially if it hurts me, if you think it, you can do it!
They tell me
You only live once
So they make it hell, but only to prepare me for what’s to come,
They’ve convinced me they only have my best interest in mind, I let them make walls
To protect me

I want to improve
I wish I was better
please, someone, help me
understand my pain and suffering
please send a doctor
I am from perfectionists
but they haven't  fixed me
and I'm sad that I'm not ok
and it's not ok that I'm sad
I just want to feel something
when I can only feel nothing
why does Salem haunt me
why do witches follow me
and ghosts love me
I just want to feel safe
I just want to feel perfect

No one calls me smart
They all check my grades
Mockery of the success
Shameful of the less
Trophy for being a disappointment
I try my hardest
Just for the attention
The approval
Is what keeps me going
I want an A
But I’m labeled with a B, C, D, or F
The attention is all wrong
The ridicule
Not reward
Nothing feels retained
I want a place to post
To show I’m more
To feel seen and liked
To see mean and nice
To share what I do with a brush
What I can do with facepaint
See others
Share songs
But it's about **** time
That they see it isn't
The showing to others
That ensured my demise
The help they would give me
The eyes and the ears
To feel seen and heard
The spotlight again
It will shine on my face
As if everyone cared
As if I wasn't so scared
And I would feel cured
But the labels I gain
Seem to be retained
Without a constraint
Of worry and pain

You are 5
You have your whole life ahead of you
Hospital
Please don't go
I would be gone if you weren’t here
I didn't want you to find me after
I can't imagine my life without you
Flu
A horrible word
An unacceptable word
Sent from hell
Torture
Crying my lungs out
Coughing
Face red
Mascara running
Am I mad?
I yell
I LOVE YOU
GET BETTER
I'M SORRY
And say “no” until it isn’t a word
Rocking on my bathroom floor
DO NOT LEAVE ME
He has to be ok
He is my world
My everything
I can't stop the racing
Screaming my stomach into my head
Crying until I only have blood to cry
HE CAN'T LEAVE ME
Please reconsider

“And I will search the fcking depths of this
Stupid place my kids will have to live
In order just to smile a little bit
But you know
I'm thoroughly in love with you
And yeah, I'm really scared that I may never change
But I'm so fcking done being so afraid
I really hope that you find happiness”
“At best, stay the same, so you'll be f*cking world-renowned
While I'm getting drunk at my house”
“So I will sit and I will drink myself to either to sleep or my untimely death
Either way, I hope that you don't cry, you know
That's just a part of life”
“Because there's something that's inside my head
That will click and make me drink until I'm dead
So I will sit and I will think about this life
And if I even like it”
Happiness by Hobo Johnson is a really deep feeling
Hits a little too close to home
And I’ll have to spend time healing
Because emptiness is growing
And I start to feel something is showing
Like the little signs inside my brain are telling me to do it
My genetic structure is fulfilling its purpose
And I start to feel worthless
And all I do is heartless
Now I start to hurt us
And you think it isn't worth it
But I promise I’m just hurting
And I’ll get over forests
And I will be a burden
But that's ok
You know? It all fades away
Until I'm nothing right?
And everyone starts laughing at me
You know I'm right
I paid my price
The worst is yet to come
And everyone is stunned to see I made it
Because those nights got really dark
And I played it
Right, but I don't have the cards
Success, correct? They all think I'm happy.

Sparking fires of others' interests
Doing a puzzle with changing artists
Finding personalities of a falling forest
Knowing what stands above and before us
We don't know
We can only assume
A stigma surrounding
My heart is pounding
In fear of being judged for sounding
Crazy or irrational
I'm going to tell you all
No matter where or why you fall
I'll wait and help you crawl
Back to your success

Sit in my lap,
Brush your long hair
And I will braid it
Twist it and twirl it
Put it over one shoulder
Feel the softness of your neck
Hold the feeling in my hand
Drink it in
Flutter and flick
Kiss and kick
It will end in beauty and grace

so, my poems are in no way actually good. I know that. But, if you have any interest in brutally honest metaphors, please follow me or just like something or leave a comment. They make me happy so please just leave something to let me know that I should even keep writing. Just leave a smile in the comments on a poem or on a poem you even remotely tolerated. That would help me I think. So, you by no means have to, you can just ignore this if you want to. But it would mean so much to me. Also, if you have any advise I'm always open to notes.

To all the kids with hell inside their head,
This one is for you
I know what you are feeling right now,
The worst place for anxiety is the doctor's office,
Right?
You are scared they will weigh you
They might see the result of the empty
Paranoia tells you they will judge you for your number on the scale
Depression says you won’t have to do it again,
It says you’ll be gone by next year
You know the doctor might look at your wrists
And if they do…
You will get help
You can have someone be paid to care about you
Having hell inside your head hurts
No matter what they say it doesn't shut up
You can yell
But not over the noise
You can fly
But not over the memories
You can die
But then you come back into the real world

Talking through things that bother you
Talking about people who anger you
Talking out problems that trouble you
Talking and saying lies behind my back

All I wanted was someone to talk to
Someone to listen
Someone to burden
Someone to hear everything I say