Your lying next to me.
I can hear your breathing, steady.
You are almost asleep.
A calm beauty.
Finaly you get some rest.
I can see you needed it.
For the days are long.
Bring so much pain.
But here you are safe.
Can get some rest.
So sleep on love.
My beautyful wife.
The love of my life.
The days might be hard.
But the nights your here.
Next to me.
And I will keep you safe.

you call me a sweet girl,
tell me to behave like a lady,
I  am your little princess.

But what if I don't want to be a princess?
Am not a lady?
And don't feel like a sweet little girl?

you call me a pretty girl,
a compliment, but an insult for me.
you don't see.

in your eyes I am your daugther,
Am I a girl,
But sometimes I just want to be a boy.

I am locked up inside myself.
Have nowhere to go.
For it is all in mind.
I cannot run from the demons in my head.
The demons who want me dead.

I am locked up inside myself.
A body that doesn't fit.
A place that I do not trust.
A place I can't run from.
Because you can't run from yourself.

I am locked up inside myself.
With my demons screaming.
They are all in my head.
Just another game my mind likes to play.
Another game driving me insane.

Slowly I start to fall.
Start to hate.
This body I am locked up in.
My mind always taunting me.
Losing the last bit of my sanity.

I am locked up inside myself.
I cannot run.
This is my fate.
This body and mind.
This self hate and this demons.

I tried to run more than once.
Looked for an escape.
Tried to get away from the constant pain.
But never I could change my body.
Or defeat my inner demons.

I am locked up inside myself.
My body is like a cage.
A prison.
My demons the other inmates.
But it is all in head.

It is just another game my mind likes to play.
Another trick to make me hate myself even more.
And I know it is all in my mind.
But I can not escape.
You can't run from yourself and your own demons.

I am locked uo inside myself.
And that makes me scared.
Living in a body that doesn't fit.
And demons driving me insane.
But than once again, it is all in my mind and it won't change.

An old radio playing a new pop song in the background.
Some birds in the trees outside.
A family member cooking in the kitchen.
The breathing of your lover in the early morning.
Happy laughter from your neighbours house.

All alone.
No one there.
No one will see.
So then why bother to hide?
My pain,
My scars,
My fears,
My dreams,
My hopes.
What's the point?
When I am all alone.

I want to hear your voice.
I want to see you smile.
I wish I could hug you.
Keep you safe.
Hold you in my arms.
And tell you I am proud of you.
You're my precious friend.
I will always protect you at any cost.
Too bad Skype is the closest we can get.
I wish I could meet you my dear friend.

Some times I look up to the sky and think,
Did I lose it all?
But when I stare at the sky for long,
And the night falls I remember why the darkness is there,
To give the stars an opportunity to shine.
And those days I know that even in the dark there can be beauty,
I just have to wait long enough for the stars to appear,
So I go on and wait for my smile to shine as bright as the stars again.

Turning on the music so loud I can't hear my own thoughts.
And that is loud.
Cause in my head there is so much going on.
I am screaming.
I sing along with the song.
Act like I'm fine.
But I am ruining my ears now.
So loud is the music playing.
Trying to fight against my thoughts.
I desperately try to drown them.
They scare me.
I don't think I can always use music to not hear my thoughts.
But true be told I am scared of hearing them.
They might drive me insane.
Push me closer to the edge.
So for now I think I will play the music just some louder.

Are you okay?
I am breathing.
You should stop.
Why?
Why not?
Stop it, you're in my head.
Yes and it is a horrible place.
I know.
You should do something about it.
Like what?
Do you see that gun?

why can't I care wether I live or die tonight?

Am I loosing myself?
Or did I years ago?
Is that why I feel so empty inside?

When I dress up in completely black, they maybe get the message, and leave me alone, or maybe help me.

For walls and a roof... sitting on the floor.
Broken dreams are like shattered glass.
Don't move! You will get hurt.
You will always get hurt when your dreams are broken and your hopes shattered.

The light is broken and it's dark outside.
Can't tell where there is a door or window.
Escape out of side. So why look for it?
You will only get dissapointed when you hope to find something in the utter dark.

whispers,
mean words,
as I walk trough the school corridors
Another rumor

Laughter,
cruel words,
people yelling things at me as I walk by
Another word every day

Fat
Ugly
Gay
That are the words they say

rumors spread through the school,
people laugh at me,
they call me a disgrace,
yell at me

hopeless
*****
*****
Little ****

They call me things,
They talk behind my back,
Never care for what I think,
I am hopeless anyway

Fat
Ugly
Gay
That are the words they say

They try to break me,
think this is a game,
but they don't know,
that I am already broken

There is a ghost in my house,
Scaring me everytime I see her in the mirror,
Short red bown hair,
Black clothes,
An ugly fake mile and dead  eyes,
I know who this ghost is,
She dyed many years ago,
Her name is Natasja Raven,
Her name is mine,
I turned in a ghost a long time ago.

I killed her

I killed her

I can't get it out of my head

I killed her

I killed her

Don't be sad

I killed her, yes

Soon she will be dead

I killed her

I killed her

Don't be mad

I killed her

Please, don't be sad

She did not deserve to live

I killed her

I killed her

Soon she will be dead

Soon I will be dead

I killed her

Now don't grieve

Don't be sad

The darkness is comming

I got to go

I killed her

I killed myself

Iam going to the light

I told you that you were like the stars and the moon to me.
That you were the sun lighting my day.
I told you that I loved you.
And all you said was...
The sun is a star
Your voice flat.



Then a smile broke trough on your face.
I love you too.
Was what you said.
You told me you could see the stars in my eyes.


From then on the night sky was a symbol of our love.
And the sun stood for our friendship.
Our undying love, passion and friendship.

Thank you my love.
My moon.
My stars.
My sun.

Soft moonlight in the clear winter night,
Embracing the old trees in a creepy yet beautiful light.

Snow falling down on the path,
This night not walked by anything but a street cat.

The cold is everywhere you go ,
Cold and dark all around you.

The world is white,
It is winter outside.

Winter outside the warm houses of this lovely town,
The people drinking hot chocolate and enjoy the view.

Feel free to hate me.
Feel free to love me.
You can insult me.
You can give me compliments.
As much as you want.
But please tell me.
Stop talking behind my bak.
Stop pointing.
You can just tell me what you think of me.
I am strong enough to hear the true.
Hate me.
Love me.
Tell me but please respect me.
I am just like you only different.
And you can hate me or love me.
But I am still a human being.
Sick of all the laughing, whispering and pointing.
So just tell me what you think.
I am strong enough to handle the true when you say it in my face.

when I fall will you be there to catch me?* I asked.
yes was your reply.
-sorry- not yours.
I mistook the floors reply for yours.
You only laughed.
No, seeing you falling is much more fun you said.
From then on the floor and I were closer than you and me.

In the moonlight an angel shall dance
playing with nature's purest feelings
with earth's soul
And this angel's dance...
In this bright night...
In the beautiful moonlight...
Will be like an everlasting flame

I am trapped,
Locked up like a bird in a cage
My wings are clipped
I am hidden away,
under hunderd of layers
I locked my true self far away,
afraid to be seen
I hide in this world of lies,
Afraid for what others may think
I am locked up like a bird in a cage,
a cage build by myself
I can't go away,
I am trapped,
In this web of lies and secrets
I am locked away,
not to be shown,
afraid for what others may think
They cannot know
They cannot see
Who I truly want to be

Breathe in,
the fresh air,
of a lovely spring day.

Feel the air fill your lungs,
giving you energy.

And smell the scent of sweet flowers,
it's magical how such a small plant can make your day.

Feel the sun warm on your skin.
It gives energy and warmth to all.
And all for nothing.

Breathe in deep.
Simply because you can.
Breathing is nice.

Just keep it simple.
Enjoy the small things.
Just breathe

I never ever am alone.
They are always there.
Never leaving me alone.
Always talking to me.
I never mind them.
They are my friends.
The only friends I have.
And they will never leave me alone.

I don't fear the darkness
I don't fear the light.
What I fear is a mixture of those.
When I don't know wich one will take over.

Don't bother leaving the light on,
I am not planning on staying here
Don't bother leaving the door open,
I am not planning on comming back anyway
Don't even bother to ask,
for the answer is clear,
I don't wanna stay here
Don't bother to wait for me,
as I won't come,
I won't follow anymore
No more steps I will take
So don't bother to wait
Don't bother leaving the lights on
That would be such a waste

Mama.
Why am I so scared of telling you the true?
Why can't I tell you how broken I feel?
I know you would listen.
You won't judge me.
I know.
But mama.
Why am I so scared?
If it is not because of you?
Is it because when I speak my fears that they will even become more real?
Mama
I am so scared.
Mama
I wish I could just tell you.

I am falling...
deep
...into the darkness...
I can't see a thing
...of my own mind.
there is no light

Am I insane?
Save me please

I am falling
*deep into the darkness

Word for word.
A poem devolopes
Death, death, death.
An ongoing story of sadness.
Pain, pain, pain.
Hopelessness.
Each word rhymes with suicide.
Word for word.
A testament of my pain.
Every word another story.
Word for word.
A story is created.
Every word holds emotions.
And lost hopes.

But writing them down saves me,
from ending my own.
So bare with me as I write.
Because as long as I keep writing,
the story continues.

Your eyes shinning so bright.
Full of love and power.
The most beautiful color I have ever seen.
They make everything else seem insignificant.
All I want to do is get lost in them once more.

Hold me close.
I am afraid I might fall.
Hold me in your strong arms.
Fight away my fears.
Light my day.
Whisper sweet words of love in my ear.
And don't leave me.
Because I love you.
And I did be lost without you.
So hold me close.
Before I fall.
Don't let me walk alone.
I wouldn't make it far.
I need your smile to light my day.
And you arms around me to feel safe.
Cause I am so scared.
Without I would fall.
So please hold me close.
And never let me go

Every night I cried,
Felt like I died.
I felt so broken,
You told me I could be fixed,
If we only stayed together.
We did that for way too long.
I am picking up myself again.
You had never expected that, right?
That I could,
That someone could-
Live without you.
But honney you have to know something...
I am stronger than you thought.
I am now living my own life.
And I am finally okay.

No no no,
I am not dead- not completely.
Just half, only on the inside.
On the outside I am perfectly alive.
So no,
I am not completemy dead- not yet.
Just only on the inside.

How do we stay sane in a world of madness?

Soft sweet tones

Coming from the piano

Slowly I drift away

Listening to this pure beauty

I don't have to worry

I am free

As the music fills my mind

And I am finally not alone

The music is my company

The only company I need

On this journey

Guided by this sweet tones

The pure beauty that takes me away

My mind is floating

Sweet tones fill my heard

I am not alone

I have music

Soft sweet tones to accompany me

Pizza
Chocolate
Pie

Na na na
Food
Unhealthy delicious food

Na na na
So bad so good
A random poem about food

lets play hide and seek*, said my indentety, *I will hide, you seek

Being used to wanting to die,
Being used to wanting to die makes it easier and harder,
Because what if I don't remember what it is like to want to live?

I want to fall in love.
And want someone to return that love.
I want someone to love.
Someone who will be my light.
In this world of dark thoughts.
Someone who will be there.
Someone who will smile at me and laught with me.
I want to fall in love with someone and I want this person to return my love.
So we can both be happy,
together.

Give me…
Give me…
I need…
I need to get my mind of…
Give me…
Give me…
I need….
Make me feel better.
Help me get rid of my thoughts.
The demons in my head.
My wish to die.
Give me…
Give me…
Drugs.
Give me…
Alcohol.
Give me…
Something to get my mind of…
I need…
…Help.
Help me!
Before I die!
Drown myself in the drank.
**** myself with the drugs.
A fight in vain.
Drugs, drank, *** against the pain.
Give me…
Give me…
Anything to put the demons to silence.
To give my mind some rest.
What can help me?
*** without love.
Drugs slowly killing me.
Cigarettes burning my longs.
Drank wasting my mind.
When none of above works where do I go?
I grave more.
Give me…
Give me…
I need…
More!
I try to feel the emptiness in my heart so hard.
But every time I fail.
Every day again.
So I try everything but nothing works.
The things I try make death only come sooner.
And you know what, I am not even sure I care.
Not anymore.
I’ve been dead on the inside for way too long.
You can’t save me.
So why do I bother to ask for help.
I am already too far gone.
Too lost.
I am already dead.
But why than do I silently cry for help?
Help…
Help!
I want to…
I don’t want to die!
Help me…
I want to…
I don’t want to live!
Just help me!
Or am I already beyond saving?

The moon is up,
high in the sky.
Just beyond my reach,
at least in reality.
For in my dreams everything is possible.
Even touching the moon.

I am here all alone in this empty place

I want to go further, leave this place behind

This is not where I want to be

But something is keeping me here

I am attached to strings

Strings painfully attached at my back

Right where my wings should have been

Pulling me back down

Keeping me from flying

Giving me nothing but pain

As I cannot move without getting hurt

They will not let me escape the tragedy of this cruel world

I have nowhere to go, but here, I know, I cannot stay

Yet I cannot go

And this strings do not only tear my back apart

But also my heart

And as I decided that I wanted to be buried in a black coffin,
I realised I am far more suicidal than I thought.

I don't believe in life after death.
Someone once asked me if that didn't scare me.
I said no because that means I won't have to live another life



*Living hurts and I don't want the only thing that will stop the pain forever to hurt as well

Life is beautiful
Full of wonderful people
Books to read
Places to visit
Friends to make
And new dishes to try
Life is beautiful and filled with promises
Yet it's so tempting to die

Thinking and feeling scares me.
And that is not okay.

The cold water of the sea around your legs.
The wind blowing trough your hair.
The moon and stars lighting up the night sky.
Feeling pure.
This is what life was ment to feel like.

The sound of birds waking you in the morning.
The smell of grass and flowers.
The sun comming from behind the dark clouds.
A smile on your face.
This is the life you always wanted.

The smell of the ground after a rainy night.
A storm on sea beautiful to watch.
A leave falling from a tree.
So pure, everything you ever wanted.
Everything there always was but you never saw.

A summer breeze warm in your face.
The singing of a bird.
A beautiful sunrise and sunset.
It feels so new and pure.
But you always had it, all you needed to do was opening your eyes and taking your time.

last night,
I was not tired.
I could get no rest.
So I waited.
Waited for the sun to rise.
And it was beautiful.
The sun painting colours in the sky.
The beauty of nature.
Always worth waiting.
Staying a wake.

I want to give up,
I can't live without your love.
I want to give up,
But you told me no to.
I promised you,
It was practically your dying wish.
But it is so hard, living without your love,
That all I can think about is giving up.
But I won't, I promised,
I will stay strong.
For you, for our undying love,
I will never give up.
I want to give up, cannot live without your love,
I promised, I can't and I won't give up.