The reality you feel
Is the illusion your insecurities have fed you.
The observations made become your assumptions
That destroy the beauty of the unknown.
The words you choke on
Distort truth to lies.

Then your silence feeds your fears
Until your heart begins to fill with doubt.
The possibilities dissipitate
Sabotaged any friendship, any hope, any adventure, any future.
Convinced by the anxiety that warps your mind,
You close yourself.

There's no way back through the twisted silence and physical separation.

Ruined.

Take my hand, walk into the darkness.
The place we know, is hidden.
And I want to share the unknown,
Tangled in your embrace.


Even if there are no answers,
At least we will be free.
At least we’ll have seen.
And our hearts will be beating.


Pull me in and I’ll stay.
There is no world other than this:
Sitting on these jetty stones,
Cooling against our bones.
The sun setting behind silhouette trees,
Mirrored water, a timeless love.
Our souls burning with emotion,
Warming the cooling world,
Safe in this place.

We have this place.

There will be no little hand
Curled around my thumb,
No soft mouth suckling
In hungry thirst.
I will never kiss your cheek
Or miss you when you’re out to play.
There will not be a card coloured
Wishing Happy Mother’s Day.
There will be no soft little smell
Wrapped in my arms and soul,
No bright pure eyes gazing
At the world to meet.
No plasters for your falls
Or stories boundlessly shared.

There will be no mother in me for you,
But not because I never cared.

I've seen the truth in the darkest places,
And I've learnt that anything could happen.
It's never what we think it is,
Even if we have all we need.
In the mornings' finest hour,
We were stripped of each other.
There I discovered it's gonna be okay,
As I watched you silently slip away.


And it's never what it seems,
Because anything can be.

The fall.
Tinges of orange sunset
hanging on branch ends-
Life smiled there,
in sunshine beams
through summer’s lovers eyes.
Shades fading.
The dark luminous
in icy, vacant skies
filled with souvenirs
life time’s gone,
slipping ******* between.

Days vanish.
Hours grow short.
Heart’s hopscotch through
tears long since dried.
Green turning gold
riches brimming with laughter.

I hate the way,
                         I believed your promises.
I hate the way,
                        you led me to touch
the truth in the words you wrote.

I hate the way I opened
                         my curtains and doors,
letting in the sunshine of you;
breathing in the scent of you.

I hate the reasons
                         of things I don't know,
of things you didn't do,
that left me waiting.

I hate standing here.
Wave-after-wave hitting the shore.
Without sight of you,
                         anywhere on the horizon.

I hate that there's no way
to pull closed my doors.
And forget you.
                       Like you forgot me.

tiny little Thing,
the size of a bean,
Your Life in my hand.
the power of Your presence,
forever my life lesson:
teaching me who i am.
despite the soul i returned,
from earth to heaven,
i feel part way forgiven.
Your spirit lives on,
in my humble pursuits
to dream, to smile, to be strong.
in this new life i was given:
some days I'm lost on the breeze,
others are breathless and reverent.
Always thankful,
always penitent
for the life I so foolishly took.
With love that is Yours
Always honoring this day,
when it was I who was born.


*In memory of 3 September 2009

every touch you gave
like icy water kissing my toes
aching in my legs into my heart.
every word strangling my throat
like a suicide rope.

your voice an earthquake in my veins.
an inability to comprehend
the truths you strung;
ripped through my calm composure
and i shattered the silence with my pain.

my desire to lash out and destroy you,
choked us like gas fumes.
you had chained my body
and watched as my heart died:
with each atomic lie.

i stared; i listened; i yelled:
my truths slapping your face,
like an angry mother's hand.
i snarled at your spilling tears,
fruitless in softening me.

Because, I stared into your eyes,
no shift driven towards your core
despite your cries and your betrayal;
treating me like i couldn't possibly,
ever in your eyes, be worth so much more.

My Love fills your lungs,
like a crashing wave
swallowing the air from your life.

I'm the rocks around your legs,
betraying the lies:
dragging the truth with each step.

I'm the shadow in your darkness,
lurking with our pain.
My Loving your Tormentress.

I'm so sorry.

My hurt kills you slowly.
My heavy, iron heart
keeps us chained in the fire.

I've crawled across the ground,
my concrete body and my tears,
like guilt towards the water
where my love can slowly drown.

Sometimes we can stroke the scars
that are left across our hearts;
And we can smile
at the memory of something
that once broke us;
Because now we're standing tall.

There is a choice in our darkness,
to rip our hearts out
so we never have to face what we feel.
Or we can allow our misery
to swallow us with waves of emotion.
Either choice cripples us.

But there is a choice
to seek beauty
no matter how small;
And to celebrate it every day
with love, with passion, with hope.
The choice to be courageous,
In a fragile moment of our existence.
A decision to survive
what appears to be killing us.

Chaos humdrum of roaring engines.
The lost siren between concrete slabs
Ricocheting its scream throughout
the hallway streets,
already echoing with horns and yells.

Sleepless and ever burning,
the city lurches on
in agonizing sounds
muffled between high rise pristine glass
and shanty shacks painted with dust.

The frantic commotion of agonized madness,
In zigzag traffic and potholed roads.
The stop and start of hustle and frustration
Rises and falls like a dancing dust storm.

Everything present in a quieter world
is lost in the struggle of city life.
There's no peace or silence here.
Just constant exhaustion in the luminescent roar of human chaos.

26 Dec. 2015

There's a pounding in my head
breaking down my thoughts.
You carelessly step
in the silent space of mine.
Crushing through my images
A pathway to my soul.

In your attempt to withhold
you tore down my walls:
Nothing left to lean on
and no escape from the lies you told.
Deep inside my silent mind
there's a drumming of your fears.

And my diversions take me no where:
a river which flows too deep,
of emotion you wish to drink;
or a road so dark and lonely
only tears give me comfort.
Because you pushed me to my edge.

Upon the ledge of pain I see
a landscape covered in carnage:
deceit and betrayal burn the hope,
scorched and charred my view.
There can be no forgiveness
until millennia heal this stench.

As my eyes wonder to yours,
moist with guilt and hatred,
my sorrow turns to rage:
Because even then you fail to try.
Instead I find within
A silent whispering echo: "These too are lies."

My heart overruns the pounding head
with a racing heart on fire.
I'm burnt and broken inside these thoughts,
which wonder aimlessly.
Some days I look out to the world,
wondering when I'll be done with you.

I can't feel
When you feel nothing.
And the cycle is vicious
Because we can't see past
All our demons,
All our fears,
All our past loves.

I got a little impatient
When you arrived silent
In the dead of the night
To tell me I've been
On your mind,
Dancing behind your eyes,
Present in your desires.

I know I'll be in trouble
When my heart opens,
Because you feel nothing,
And I'm a vessel
Carrying your smile,
Carrying my love,
Carrying all our lust.

I'll lose no tears
This time I bury
All the powers of heart
Beneath the ocean,
Beneath our laughs,
Keeping us souls apart.

You can't handle me.
And my heart's cracks
Must never be seen.
You'd pour into them
Your needs and wants,
Your love and torments.

The pain from the fickleness of your heart,
The hurt from your unwillingness
To be stronger, to try, to admit...
To walk beside my darkness...
Is greater than any knowledge
Of the comfort and laughter
You have in the scent and skin
Of someone else's voice, body, soul.*



The truth in your heart,
Is more valuable
Than the protection you think a lie gives
my heart.
I always feel the truth.
It vibrates, moving like kinetic energy,
Across the universe.
In my dreams
I see it as it is.
A lie is the greatest damage.
Every time.

There's a whole ocean stretched out,
Blue and deep between our bodies.
But our hearts have always been,
Clasped by time in the same vault.

And I want you,
Like we've never been before.
We've never talked about it,
Our stolen time.

I'm stuck in this anticipation,
Thoughts of you wrapped around me.
The waiting is an unbearable pain,
Reminding me of life without you.

And I want you,
An aching I can't bear anymore.
I've never told you before,
Time stolen from us.

There's no escape from this place,
Clinging with anxious suspense;
That every piece of life will fall,
Blocking the only way to your presence.

And I wanted you,
In a way we'd never been before.
We don't talk
About this stolen time
And the reason for your changed mind.

I don't think I can keep carrying on
Holding these feelings inside.
If I don't talk about it
My life will be your stolen time.

Through the sluice and trickle
upon my glassy world view,
I stare like the dead,
while waiting for you.

Though I see the storm,
My heart rages in its thunder,
Knowing you'll creep in soon,
Obliterating this nightmare wonder.

Unlike this thrashing rain,
slicing up my window pane,
I've seen the beds you've lain
in my jagged dreams:
where my spirit walks free
chasing my heart's silent screams;
connected to yours
like a ball and chain.

Dream Talker, wordless in sunlight;
timeless truths in unconscious hours:
Where are you?
Where is your heart?

Are your mumblings of affection benign?
Or is your soul fighting-
fighting to be released from your mind.

You are the flame ignited by the sun,
before Dawns' scent merges with the horizon.

You are the darkness which numbs,
and the silence that deafens.

As you slumber beside me,
you stir a well of words through your breath:
A speech for no one but for Love.

So far away now,
mountains and oceans apart.
but I can feel your heart:
its pounding in ecstasy,
its sleeping beats.
Every move you make
flutters here like a leaf-
enough to rustle my heat.
Smallest images betray
the places of your feet
as you journey further from me.
No distance has yet torn us
of the binding chords
of the invisible love and lust.
Despite the torment
of the hurtful beds
you now carry me into.
I twist myself around
hoping to escape this
and run out of sensations:
of your every touch, every pulse, every kiss
which you give another
some place I've never asked to be.
I wish you would really leave me.

And in the deepest silence,
beneath the widest skies,
those who've passed come to sit beside us,
blanketing our hearts in the love they left inside us. ♥

I can't march my ***** boots
To your hanging tree.
The ground opens up
Exploding all over me.
In the blackened soil
I find your decaying bones
Buried beneath the pieces of your hurt.

I can't tear my liquid eyes
From your screaming face.
It's the way I looked
When they walked in to say
That your hands are cold
And the breath dead upon your lips.
My life stopped  with this deadly agony.

I can't forget your laugh
How it wrapped around my soul.
The way our arms
Opened up our hearts
In the quiet, whispered hours
Talking of our dreams.
And all the places we had yet to see.

I can't rewind to before your hopeless state
Or the day you returned
With all your strength cut from your face.
You turned from me
Like I was diseased.
And told of my stupidity:
Loving you is a waste
Because you were the tainted enemy.

I can't forget the pain in your eyes
The world so lost.
All our dreams slowly died.
You walked across the lawn
As I melted down and cried.
Then hung yourself
In a tall tree where you could touch the sky.

I can't return to your hanging tree.
The ground out there
Is waiting to **** me.
But you said "Be great,
Be everything you dream. "
So here I am
Living dreams my heart knows are real.

There is an aching in my being,
When I see the look in your eyes.
If you were conscious,
there could be
so much more joy here.

But we're not liberated
by youth and hope.
You're ******* on ideas,
and I'm tied to my heart.
You can't see past my eyes,
The chambers I keep hidden.

My heart drums to the rhythm
Of your lonely, hurting desires.
You're craving love.
My heart's only drug:
Falling always for the broken one.

But I can't fix you.
I am not your exception.
Though I feel everything all at once,
with emotions not at all small,
I cannot bring comfort to your inner war.

Nobody wants a body
When given so easily.
Nobody trusts
In lust.
He will fail to see
What is dormant
In the soul and heart
Of the hands that touch
And the mouth that kisses.
And the advantage lies
In his taking.
While she is overlooked
Because society says something else.
And the rules were broken,
Just like her heart will be.
Because he can’t choose her.
He can only have her.

I see you on the middle line
between the sun and moon.
You can't decide to cross into time
Or give yourself more room.
But the days are moving through us now,
And I feel a change coming soon:
The horizon between light and dark,
The stay-or-go wars within the heart.

I've been where you are
In the darkness
Filled with night lights
Sweet liquors and scents
That dull the ache
Distracting you from your heart:
The heart that you hate
For loving someone far from reach.

I've felt the agonies
Of misunderstandings
When my words could not be heard,
And my soul remained unseen
Because I was drowning
In my own lies and stories:
Falling from my own heights,
A million miles above the crowds.

I've walked this path
That you're dragging yourself on.
I've held the hand
Of self-betrayal in a dark room
And wondered if I'd make it:
Til morning... til the light came.
I've been the one screaming,
Everyone thinking I'm laughing;
I've been the broken one.

I'll remember the All Stars
Covered in mud from our roaming
Through summer festival love;
And starry skies above
As we wondered through the night
Until the Sun kissed us;
The rocking of bodies,
Beneath blankets of darkness,
Our skin shimmering
In the moonlight.
I'll remember that.

But the dreams changed & faded
As the world turned
A new sun rose:
Fuelling my heart with desires,
Passions of bigger things.
I grew wings and
I flew to meet the horizon.
But you, you wouldn't see me
As I went into the light.
And so, your world became dark.
I left you there. I left your heart.

I could only carry one.
I was only strong for one.
I'd hoped you'd grow with me.
But you couldn't see.
You couldn't breathe
The bigger dreams in.
The things I chose
For me. For my destiny.
You needed to fumble through more muddy fields,
Dream beneath the same stars longer.
I left you there.
Because I cared too much.
And we'd started to tear.
The seams ripping open.
Breaking us was more than I could bare.
So I left you there. I left you.

I sailed you out.

In my rickety boat.

To the center of my lake:
the deepest, darkest waters.

And there,
I let you dive
into my silent depths.

Sinking into the unknowns,
while I awaited your return.

I miss you
But I know
You feel little
About the years
We shared together.
Even my friendship
Seems incapable
Of moving you.

Maybe you're empty
A lonely soul,
Whose heart stills
For no person.
So there are
No vibrations either
That shake you
Into missing someone.

It hurts me
To misunderstand you
And your soul.
Did I fail
In all these years
To move you
To challenge you
To awaken love
As you did
Deep in my being.

It's like the cold
Creeping in
When you have no where to go for warmth.
So I comfort the ice, freezing my heart.
And I hope it'll stop the beating
That seems only to hurt me more
Now that you've left me:
With only this silence
And these breathless-missing-you-tears.

The floor is warm.
Outside is still for once.
Notes of French accordions
swirl in my ears’ soul.
And there is a lost expression
searching for the tears within
that say: “You never meant  a thing.”


Surging with unexpressed frustration
the Pain comes alive;
Reporting that all activity
points to a truth I’m terrified to see.
My mind drags itself around these walls;
only to return to the centre of it all.

Within four walls there is no escape.
I cannot allow myself release,
until I see the sunshine of my truth.
Every 12 months it comes to this:
Now I have no reason to feel or believe
this might ever be any other way.

The bed is too far for comfort;
The world unknown to me for refuge.
My company is sliced open
with dreams of you telling my heart
its better this way for now:
All this time the dead trees
flower with soft, cold snow.

Just a disappointment

I don't hate,
It’s just wasteful-
Breathing in
and never breathing out.

The space is empty
with crammed tug-of-wars
dragging my heart,
Heart dragging months.

I don't think
any less or worse-
Character undefined. Always repetitive.
Bored of the ****
pulling over old paintings;
Same as yesterday,same as before.

I don't cry
for actions cowardly
shunted inwards;
Explosion due released.
The shedding tears,
carving maps upon lips,
design attention
inward reaps deliverance.

I don't hurt
for lacking sensitivity-
desire for one embellished
with lapping present conviction.
The same minuscule point,
returned again and again-
Intentions to change;
Stairwell to nowhere.

I thought I could
just this one time
in my very innocent life
be entirely fine
with giving what is mine
for a tiny moment.
But instead my heart questions
a million things in my mind
and it becomes hard to find
what I need inside
to be bitterly kind
in this confusing time
where no clear light will shine.
And to the eyes looking back
with the cheek against my thigh
in the aftershock I sigh
relieved of my trapped lie;
now free with the tears I cry
invisible to your eye.
I cannot question Why;
and What begins to deny
that which How already let die:
I’m my own mirror of solitude.
The emptiness I feel
is the space where you do not go.
And slowly, I begin to know
sooner or later this will show.

I see your smile fluttering between leaves
Shimmering like bejewelled sunshine;
Binding my reality into a daze,
A world covered in dreams.

I lie curled among the flowers,
Dancing in the breeze that whispers
Of trails, dirt and flying clouds,
Racing towards beckoning mountains.

A rush of sea air rolling over me
Beating my heart like a drum;
Pumping energy from ocean depths
Into my soul as it grows wings.

Elevated from the earth into the sky,
I tear the grass from its roots.
Bringing a piece of this world
Into the ocean's Map of Stars.
The darker days have finally
Washed away from me:
Pulled by the moon,
And, the light and love of you.

I'm no good at this.
In your smile,
there's sunshine.
And I can't shake it.

I tried to hide.
And forget like you did.
But you don't live in my head:
Sunshine fills my dreams;
A smile in my silent nights.

Like snow flurries
Clinging to my warmth,
melting at my touch.
I can't reach you.

I can't shake it.
I can't break it.
Your ellipsis binds us.
Leaving me aching.

I tried to turn my back,
Like you did.
No distance, no time
silences these souls.
And I can't shake you,
Like you did me.

Yes. No. Maybe. The height of a giraffe. The colour of sunsets. Thunder clouds in a clear sky. Gods in Beasts. Purple rain and Orange blueberries. Silhouetted trees. Murmmering leaves. Moon washed. Recycling unused wood. Unrequited. The illusion of what's not there. 15mm too small or too thick? The lash of a tongue. Screamed. Steam off of snow. Risen and succulent. Smooth. Bubbles in a Jacuzzi. A desert lagoon. The silence of a fire. Freefalling palpitations. Wreckless. Wide open. The youth in a wrinkle. Or a wrinkle in youth. The sound of a supernova. Dancing lights of the aurora. The space between. And the between spaces. Timeless. Wanton. Brazen. Broken. So empty its spilling over, and all consuming. Indistinguishable. Unseen depths. Fathomless. Shallow ripples. Waves upon waves. Status without face. Stolen. A mirror without reflection. Sunbeam skin kisses. Captured. Lingering breeze. Static glances. Sleep's rise and fall. Temporary Life. Lent not Given. You. Me. Them. Nothing. Breathless.

You articulate in swift flight, confidence soaring,
plenitude of words, justly convincing.
Floating on breathless wind between here and there.
Fumbling with sense, coherence of purpose
between twisted bed sheets, whispering pillows;
In the freeze frame static of moonless nights.

I feel the yearning burn towards hoping truth
in a splintering fire against which I warm;
crackling up all your feathers, and concord.
In the daylight you scatter ordinance together,
recklessly aspiring to repair undoing damage:
Wings stunted irrevocably through flailing flighted dreams.

Unknown weighted obstacles glide courageously in hurtled silence,
sideways across the cool air of this post-nested room;
Waiting for gold and diamonds to appear, glorified.
The slightest movement uttered punctures you,
a soggy blown balloon squirting off these walls-
dexterity lays useless on this love-laden floor.

I stare at you spewed inanimately,
like splattered spaghetti in a fitting rage,
across the boards of our echoing abode.
Depths of sightlessness reveal tentatively:
There exists no place for a soul
on the unstable face of the dead.

Like a fire crackling
despite the wash out,
despite the torrential storm
despite there being no flames...

Like a wave crashing
despite there being no rock,
despite no shoreline,
despite there being no ocean

No things that live
can move in your wake
can breathe in your space
can look upon your face.

There is no vision
for something unreal
for something a lie
for conscious-less souls.

Like a man in skin
despite the brazen force
despite the greed
despite that which deceives life.

Paint the ocean purple with
bruises left from punching moments -  
little pains of life,
turbulent winds
in forced water hurricanes;
My fist sweats
in panicked knot.

The beads form a necklace
strangled the breath.
Pupils dilatedin frozen memory
of the sand’s grains parted
through The arrival:
Birthed raw into earth’s womb.

Flapping and panting like beating,
mouths gaping bewildered
in the urgent call.
The pits within swirl,
crazed by the addiction
pulsing in my middle earth.

The days squeeze
all the air from lungs,
all the blood from veins;
Freezing the warmth
that beats within.

Until silence
curls

around crying lips,
in the dead hours after midnight.

I touched the curving lines
of your smiling eyes;
traveling to the moments
where you have been.
In every brush of skin
and breath taken in,
I can feel your worlds
shift like seasons:
As you make your way
Towards me.

the way Your eyes stroke my heart
in the moments of our silence.
a gentle storm of unsaid hurts
pressing against our bodies:
all the while i forgive it all,
i love You more, more, so much  more


You walked away the next day
using my soft feet to take You
through the thorns and rocks,
through the shattered shards of hope:
a trail of unwanted love
stealing my tears one-by-one.


and maybe, maybe i'm just bad.
bad for tracing Your smile
with my lips; with my soul.
because i can't let You sail
while my skin feels You:
touching Me in ways words are never true.

Put me on your boat Mr Pirate man
And sail me away to the edge.
And if we fall off at the sunset
I promise I won't be upset.

I'm sure we'd land in the stars
And cruise along molten black waves,
Under the light of our lady Moon
Each swell rolling us into our dreams.

Just be sure Mr Pirate man
That you've courage enough for adventure
And passion a'plenty for the timeless
The unknowns and my own zest for living.

Because I'm sorry Mr Pirate man
I cannot tolerate bland crusades
And frivolous words lost to the winds.
The fiery within needs no fear, only honesty.
For I am free to drift like the currents,
So don't hold onto me
Just sail with me to the beyond.

We can never undo what we’ve done;
retrace the steps we took.
We can never unknot the choice
binding conscience and soul forever.
We can never rewind the moments
allowing us to betray our Hearts.

I cannot forget those seconds
before All became torn apart.


And though the pain begs in me
to find all the beauty of life;
live and dance for my present moments-
I cannot be rid of the emotion:

Haunting the corridors of my mind
in waking, breathing minutes of every passing day.


We cannot reclaim the loss
of a life we so easily denied.
We can never replace the heartbeat
of a person we will never know.
We can never begin to imagine
just how wonderful it could really have been:

Because we never embraced the opportunity
to allow Beauty to enfold us sweetly.


Though Rationality tries to calm me,
soothing the unforgiving feelings,
I never seem to escape the Hurt
lingering so deeply in my ribcage:

thoughts and aches recurring,
telling me this was my biggest Mistake.

My leaves float in this autumn
Sprouting colours of seasons past.
And I hold your hand here,
One more time.

Lounging in the watery sunshine,
I nod off into the peace
Of sheer exhaustion;
The cat purring his comfort.

I see moons hanging
Beyond the shadow of your sunshine.
My breathing stirring windless
Spaces once shared.

There will be rain soon
In this barren sky of ours.
Giving life to the dormant,
in these desert hearts.

Shared and gathered, like nesting chicks
In a feathered house of closeness,
I am growing wings
From our brushed lyrics.

The shadows of time move over us
Like clouds rushing in to storm.
The water becomes irresolutely churned
Taking our souls with it
All the way out to sea,
Away from everything we can predict.

And while we are drifting, weathering the storm
The motion surges our intuitions
And we lose the premonitions of why we came here.

Through the eruption of thunder
Our voices are lost and we’re not listening.
In the snapping of lightening
We are blinded to the truth in each other.
So we rely on the unknown movements
As we try to manoeuvre the sails of our ship.

But there is no knowing if we can survive this.
It’s real but we thought it was a game.
And the heart beats in fear now
Rather than with the survival of adrenalin and exaltation.

You rebel
Unconventional to your own standards
Of what being means.
Because its the only freedom
You can believe
When you're binding yourself
By all the rules
And guilt
Given to you by society,
Religion, elders and facts.
Where's the questioning,
Where's the daring to be,
The test in your own limits
And the push against your own conformity that you refuse to see.
Where is the open mind
You claim you have?
Who are you without it all?
Who are you without you?
Can you push the boundaries
To greet yourself on the edge of reason,
To love yourself on the cusp of unconditional adorations.
Can you?

I look at me staring back,
A reflection of emotions storming through my past.
There's an empty space deep inside,
Where even demons fear to hide.

I walk through corridors in my mind,
Darkened by the silence of my movie reel memories.
Dragging my hand along the walls
Unable to find an unlocked door.

The stuttering images in my dreams,
Vivid in nightmarish Technicolor
Flashing like disco-tech
Before my bleeding eyes.
Knowing I can never unsee
All the pain in my muted cries.