The passion and desire from the days of absence
The fever of the return,
The desire only fed by her
Wept within his sleeping eyes.
He’d enter with softness
And there he would keep her,
Until it was time to leave her.

And days would go by,
He’d be filling her space secretly,
Willing himself to release her.
Then after hours and days
He’d tap lightly at her door,
Look deeply into her eyes
And stole the life from within her.

Finally he broke
And the truth he spoke.
When he left again, she lay there
Helpless and cold upon an empty room floor.

I was waiting for a sign of the truth.
I was holding my breath,
Until I heard you whisper
A long stretch of undeserving silence.
Then I curled myself up again.
I decided to love just the rain.
The rain cannot dull my fire.
It is a love I can embrace
Without waiting for a whisper of the truth.
A silence I can understand without wondering...

I lie awake
Because now the world is still
And my heart can think.
My mind can breathe.
In this moment I am free.

As my dreaming eyes close,
I see visions of you.
I hear words and a voice.
My heart stretches,
And I can reach you.

I pull you into me,
Into my darkness here,
To whisper to you
About all my dreams,
And the places I want to be.

As I lie here quietly
I know, wherever I go,
It is in these dreaming hours
That I feel you.
And my heart holds you.
My heart holds you.
And you are with me.

Assume nothing.
Trust timing.
Remain open.
Build bridges.
Hurt no one.
Respect.
Smile.
Say Yes.
Expect Nothing.

Toe pirouettes kissing the water's face,
I follow the river's ebb.
My eye stretching to its horizon:
beyond it, I let my heart go...

Rushing immeasurably across unknowns,
wondering if it will find what it dreams:
this sunshine, this breeze,
washing quietly over me.

I'm glowing in God's spotlight.
Souls' diamonds in my eyes!
Breath deepened and arms splayed beneath
tall grass and willow trees;
hopes floating to the skies:
spirit set free!

Sometimes the sway feels like marching
Marching like I’m dreaming
While sleeping with the wind
Upon a sailing, swaying sea.

                                                  These dreams carried me here
                                                  Fleets of souls past
                                                  Lost in my sail boats

These dreams become my home
Because the horizon is gone
And the sun is night,
The moon and stars my life, my love.

I may not know where I’m going
But I feel this forward rise and fall
And the march in my heart
Drums with a knowing beat, beat, beat.

Success swims beneath these bodies of water
The air stirs my hair and soul
Lifting me above unknowns
To a place, I’m taking myself, really slowly.

You took my sails and filled them with the air of your words,
Guided them through my darkness with the light in your eyes,
And gave my journey momentum with the current of your voice.
The course traversing through entire ocean-filled universes.
Breathless.
Hopeful.
Silent.

It doesn’t matter if you cry
into the sea.
It almost makes sense:
War and love entangled here
in her lapping waves.

So beautiful and ugly
her alluring effect
reminds of the will to live,
coupled with the will to give up,
in silent calamity:
                                          to die.

Her coldest moment,
the calm sway of her shore
makes the tired body quench-
Desire for such nourishment,
is the ultimate.

Jumping fences, cozzie on,
towel for a cape:
dives, strokes, somersaults;
doing the pool waltz.
Slurping wormy guavas;
Spinning monkey swings,
Your stories giving me wings:
You said I could fly,
If I Believe,
If I have Faith,
in the Unseen.

Ice-cream seconds, cakes, fizzy drinks;
A shake of the biscuit tin:
"one for each hand, maybe two"
Sugar, your only sin.
Paint. Wood. Leather.
Freshly cut grass.
A pun or ten,
just for fun:
Always the teasing jester.

A dreamer.
Deep talks under sprawling trees.
Hours upon your knees:
in play, in prayer, in Earth's work.
A giver to the faithless, hopeless, unheard.
A believer in love, truth and His word.

What a human.
What a man.
What a legend of my heart.
Gone but never far apart:
I still hear you laugh,
at peace now with your man, God.

Our sleeping thoughts reflect
our awakened minds.
The madness we hide from
Rolls like a cinema reel
behind resting eyes.
A movie of our lives
In distorted forms.

26 Dec. 2015

I dug a hole
with a spoon.
Stainless steel twists of
Pain.
The Earth piling into heaps,
like mountains of weight.

I lit the candle,
placed it in Earth.
I began the second hole:
Cradle
for the seed,
the ‘could-have-been’.

Scribbled some words,
Folded the page-
Muddy, smudged:
Tears
from the jawline,
clutched, into the ground.

Marked the bulbous
round of the spoon-
Tombstone.
Grief drizzled grave,
sized for fit.
Softly closing the wound.

Shutter my eyes on the frozen deserts
opening to swallow
all the memories you left inside:
a heart stripped of dreams,
by the pain of quicksilver moments
slipped past us in Time's disguise.

Interminable thoughts play-rewind-play-rewind
Of feelings dragging like anxiety:
We could be whole
if the world put us together with
Time, Love and impassioned Tethers.

Instead I'm trailing along
Dragging my iced feathers,
leaving two sets of footprints
upon the oceans and deserts of ice and shards.
Incapable of defrosting
These beating, screaming hearts.

There’s a gentle sway of tenderness in the eyes of the Stranger;
Matching the rhythm of the vast blue waters stretching,
a panoramic view:
I glide across their surface,
peacefully soaking up the pleasure of their pulsation.

I push myself under the wave,
gripping the shifting sands,
blindly releasing all my life force;
I balance my mortal body beneath:
The silence rescues my heart’s noise,
making it easier not to breathe.

My eyes squeeze shut in this vacuum.
But all the while light dances like a flapping butterfly in shock:
Displaying colours erratically behind my eyelids.
The world we cannot see, simply cannot exist.

In my ears there lingers no thought,
My heart feels no fear in this.
All my limbs are lifted from me,
And there is a Stillness all around:
Beneath this rocking sheath
My secrets to the world I give to keep.

There is a place where I grew
Into a girl with an unsteady heart.
It is green and small and unsafe.
There are trees and a wide blue ocean,
And the sky is expansive beyond comprehension.
Here I saw the night sky dancing,
From a rooftop height,
As though in the palm of my hand.
With fingers splayed like moon beams,
I reached up to pick my dreams.

And that girl grew into a woman
With a passion and fiery for the truth.
But sorrow and deceit ate my soul,
So I learnt to persist and nurture trust:
Intuition became the only companion in the darkness.

So the woman in me grew into a tree.
With roots in African soils
And boughs in expansive skies.
The leaves took flight and my heart followed
Around the world to find perspective,
To live difficult dreams
In an unsteady world,
Where home is a lonelier place sometimes.
But the sun shines and the tree is tall,
From the love given and received.

The tree is strong,
With roots that burrow deep,
A wizened old soul and
A drumming heart full and resilient,
Seeking a place to call its own.

I wanted to see flowers open for me;
I wanted to see treasures within this sea;
I wanted to hope with my eyes closed;
I wanted all lies with new hand disposed.

Like a fool,
I believed in everything that already deceived;
And in my hope you retrieved
                                                 final breath of love seeded within me,
                                                 stealing life as though it were for the taking:
                                                 In this revelation I am lifeless and forsaken.

And no flowers in beauty will greet,
no treasures spill at my feet.
My eyes flutter in darkened skies,
while my heart cracks with decades of lies.

So undeserving in my lighted embrace,
So undeserving to behold this broken face,
So undeserving to steal my heart beats:
So undeserving am I, of these cruel defeats.

You are all the demons of my nightmares,
You are the epitome of one who cannot care.
You are the lost one, among stars who cries:
The one who burns love with stealthy, inhumane lies.

So much choice
So much time
So many miles apart
So much non-commitment.
Anxious and dysfunctional.
A side-ways game
Of friendship cover-ups.
Keeping your options open,
Playing your cards close.
Thinking I can't see your moves,
As you pull back and forth,
Hot and cold.
Then assuming what you will
About my words and indiscretions.
And all the insecurities
Triggering your actions
Are my fault.
I left you unable to judge
My heart and soul.
I left you unable to identify
My purity of intent.
I left you questioning
My cards.
And you failed to ask,
Because your ego chains you with fear.
So we’ll lose at this.
Two disappointed hearts.

Too soon did things blow away:
with the wind went the truth.
And certainty remained lost,
to the dark morning hours:
A place my heart bloomed for you
and later burned 'til black and blue.

Careful


Too easily did the river run dry
with endless weeks of searing tears,
ripping open the agonies of love
unrequited, weaved in shadows:
The torment of which all hopes are soiled.
Beaten by lies of secrets well toiled.

Realistic


Too fatefully did the soul shrivel
under the brutal lashings of Unwant:
carving hollows into the passions,
dredging the unworthy pangs deeper.
To the bottom of the world without light,
one may find a BROKEN HEART without fight.

**Human

The night is thick.
Far away a train,
drumming its way out of town,
In the dead silence of darkness;
My breath frosty in the air,
underneath this weeping tree -
I whisper to the shadows:
secrets, truths, my love for thee.

I love you, so silently
in my dreaming reverie:
a place you won't go.  
My heart, you can't know,
because the world
and our stories lie between.

I'm waiting in the open
with the wind
in the silence
of the roaring ocean,
and the light of the night.
My inner heart
burns with its truth;
in a fire too hot to touch
without engulfing every inch
of soul, mind, heart and skin.
My eyes reveal
I've stood here
a million years
waiting out the cold winters
bearing the summer heat,
with my roots sinking deep.
And I'll wait for you,
until the fires
in my soul consume me;
the ocean rises up
to release me
into the deepest love:
An unpredictable one.

There was a walk I took
When I was younger,
And love held my hand.
Crossing the Pyrenees barefoot and carefree,
I felt everything.  
But your eyes were empty.

I remember when the rain came.
All the pain I carried,
Fell away behind me.
My footprints heartshaped in the mud,
Soaking deep into my soul.
You walked without a trace.

Something told me this was it.
I had dreams
Wider than the sky.
And you closed your heart
To all my love.
While I tried to fly,
You kept walking.
You kept walking;
That's all you could do.

So, oh I took that flight across the seven seas.
Hungry,  I ate the world up.
I took my love with me.
You kept walking.
You kept walking.
That's all you knew how to do.

A journey into the light and darkness.
And I'm just beginning, baby.
Somewhere out there
I'll live my dreams.

/
                         I

I woke up this morning: pale, blue dawn - winter comes.
The sound of your breath all around me, lingering.
Your warmth, tucked beside me.
My eyes fluttering while rolling over -
                                                               You are not there, of course.

Slowly the blinking - the glare of daylight;
Slowly the silence - warning: it's too early.
Quickly the snuggle against a pillow barricade:
Like a jolting disturbance - dreaming resumes.
                                                               Faint shivers, warm touches fading.


Sleep numbs the world into safety once more.


                                   II

A gloomy afternoon, pouring rain,
the smell of wet streets, coolly pressing my skin.
I tug the fleece over nodding muscles: gone.
Then -
                                                                ­an echoing ripping me into the falling rain.

A voice that is yours in subconsciousness-
I hear you within these walls: my heart pounds.
Sleep ruptured and dreams dissolve;
You are not here amongst the rain:
                                                           ­     And, I am not soaked because of the downpour outside.


                                   III

There's no one here.
Just a bird beyond the window.

Where are you, then?
You used to be here, I recall.
Or were you...
                                                          ­      were you ever really here at all?


                                   IV
Some days are like this:
awakening, reaching for your hand;
slumbering wears off with each blinking second:
And I forget you inside fading dreams.
I get up to face my days,
                                                           ­     feeling like there is no one I miss.                                                     \

How do we know
The reasons for coming here?
What if we feel too little,
About things much bigger than us?
And maybe I led you here,
Where you don’t want to be.
Maybe there is a hole
So dark inside of me.
What if you see, what if you see….

But there are a thousand beats
Out there in the city’s heart,
Out there in the oceans crash,
In the silence of your eyes.
In the sound of this dark.

So maybe we’ll just be here,
In the darkness that we share,
Safe from the light
That can expose the feelings,
Smaller than us, but bigger than this.
The things of indifference,
That we wrap into our embrace,
As we undress the souls within,
Because something is better than nothing.

And what if you see,
What if you come to know me,
And in that you learn,
Of all the things that make me burn.
Or what if you don’t see,
What if you can’t find me in me…

And if I am wrong,
If I have brought you here
Into the space laden with grit,
Then we can have tonight,
Before we kiss beneath the sunlight,
One last touch as we separate.

Sometimes, being with you is like
air below the water, suffocating my soul.
You shake my bones against my skin,
And you turn my silence into a scream.
Begging for my tender touch, to light
this darkness of your empty nights.

I'm standing on top  of the world,
staring down at the millions of lives,
Wondering....
Where do you play out your life?
Do you feel the universe move beneath you?
And if at night, do you reach out for me,
looking at the stars and dreaming
of the love and limitless possibilities
that could pass between us in this world.
Like breathing lungs.
Like beating hearts.
Like whispering lips,
sharing untold secrets.

There are days when the world,
Slips beneath your feet
Taking you down
Into the darkness:
An ocean of your tears.

A million spaces between us,
A million unknown voids
You won't talk about them.
But every move you make,
Vibrates back to my dreams.
And every lie you told,
I can see and feel across the seas.
I'm the only one who knows;
Left with these searing truths,
My mind wakes up screaming.

There are days the world
crashes around my silent agony.
Taking me down
To the depths of an ocean
Where all my heartache collects.

You walked away again,
Leaving me with ideas of you.
A feeling that your heart
never wanted me.
Despite all your tears,
And the words you swore were true,
The actions taken
Tell a thousand different stories of you.

Sleepless hours of destruction
in my shattering heart.
Tormented by visions of you
Holding someone else,
on the other side of this falling world:
A place I'll never be.
It's here you've left me.

The world as we know it
Has ended for us.
I've forgotten how it feels
To be chosen through love,
To be someone's only one.
Despite the fears.
Despite the unknown.
And it's tearing me apart.


Truth in actions is the only thing that saves us. So we fall apart, to the depths of our heartache, broken and destroyed, unwilling to breathe, but we stand up again and live out our truth: I deserve. That is the truth.

You fed my dreams, like a needle feeds my pain, through my broken veins:
A silver bullet to my heart, your lies ripping me apart.

When I turned, looking for your burned,
bruised, broken words, in a noisy world,
I found silent screams...
same as when I'm waking from bad dreams...

Except when I called for you, you ran.
And when I waited,
my patience lashed, ripping the seems of my skin;
until my love bled out, like it had never been.

                                       You just keep walking. I'll stay. Plant my skin. Water it with this blood. I'll grow. And, I'll love.
                                        Maybe someday you'll see me. And, maybe someday I won't feel, you.

We played the rhythms of our talks
like candle-lit shadows on these walls.
All through the starry skies,
we raised our laughter to soar up high;
The closeness of your skin crawled under my desire,
where we held each other,
warmed by our lonely inner fires.
Displaced.

But, brightened by the light of day,
I found your voice drifting away.
You rolled yourself up behind a smile,
kissing my shoulder, lingering a while.
Misplaced.

Then you traced the contours of my life,
and left without saying goodbye.
The windows pouring the sunlight in,
leaving me wallowing in the scent of your skin.
Erased.

I used to look at my walls,
thinking that was my writing.
But as time heals this heart
I see the words in your scrawl.

And when the monsters came
I thought it was my fault -
Like you said it was.
Me and my over-thinking, lingering.

But this darkness grows thin,
the truth seeps through,
like a weeping wound
from the folds of your heart.

All this time I was weak,
I tore myself apart.
Blind to the pieces
of your crumbling walls.

The monsters that come now,
Are from your Regrets
which haunt your soul,
staring through mirrored eyes.

Avoidance tears at our old wounds,
as you try to erase the intimacy shared.
Blanketing the memories in shadows,
so even the beauty twists into vulgarity.

You bring all of yourself
To the spaces between
Our light and dark.
But you never explore
All the hope I've saved
For you in my heart.
You don't know
What I need
What makes me bleed,
Makes me shiver,
Makes me dream.
You don't touch
The darkest parts of me.
The places were my light lies,
In greatest pleasure.
Your would-be-delights,
If only you'd see.

you won't seek
you won't try
you never wanted me
to happen in your life.


you won't come
you won't go
just to keep me
as someone you know.


you won't shout out
you won't reach out
to grab my slipping
presence you never wanted about.


you won't carefully hold
the massive heart so full
of the friendship and ease
that was forever our push and pull.


you won't open up to see
that standing here is only me
with no other quests
than hoping you're eternally free.


you won't choose this
you won't choose me
you may turn one day sadly
wondering why you miss,
why you wouldn't choose this.