My love for her is so great,
my heart melts for her 'til the dusk of day.
The night mourns when she's away,
cherish, adore 'til the dawn.

Her beauty is great,
Wondering mind 'til her sees,
pursuing is all I do,
While waiting for the moment, for her to say "I love you."

Drab;
  Dreary;
    Bleak;
A grey mood.

why can't I remember my dream last night?

The sun shines;
  I focus on the clouds.

there was a skull involved

Laughter down the street;
  I stay straight-faced with thin lips.

why was I desperate to survive?

An aroma of coffee fills the air;
  I type at my work,
    I try to forget it;
It bothers me...

*what was my dream last night?

there's a metaphor about
    finding something you weren't looking for
  an unexpected treasure,
       & you were that treasure
I wasn't looking for;
   like a pearl on the beach
or a star in the sky
       I got to graze you with my fingertips;
our lips have never met
    but you consume my every thought
unfold every layer of my heart,
        disarm me
you laid your heart on mine;
     so much love I want to give
even if there's a wait,
      it's worth the wait;
reflected in our eyes when they meet,
          burning candlelight,
    sunset through the window,
how I want you
    need you
  love you
on whatever is handy
     I will write...

I think it's time for me
to stop counting the days
with notches on the wall
about something
I never really had.

It's time to stop
living in the past
& let go of mistakes
that I made in my youth
& taste the freedom of today.

Our days are a finite number
passing with each moment
every grain of sand swallowed
by the hourglass of life
until nothing remains.

your name used to be
       an intake of cool winter air
    refreshing my lungs
in glowing frost;
  when i speak your name
now nothing happens
      you are a memory
   best left forgotten

I think of how good you're going to taste
feeling your heat reach my lips
waiting for you
to stir you up
get you really ******* hot
waiting to fill you all the way to the brim
just add a little cream
to the sugar already in you
& when your fluids hit my mouth
slide down my throat
I know I'm awake and alive
with my morning coffee

I write of broken
     t e e t h &
deep wounds
nobody can see
d a r k n e s s
     shadows
agony & pain
     it is my
m u s e
that I feast
     on
but I haven't
picked up the
             p e n
in a week
  because the
m u s e
is gone right now
   I feel
strangely
    *h a p p y

I'm just here at 11:15pm
writing at a **** screen
for some **** reason
I forgot when I lost my
******* heart.

I don't feel anymore
don't know why
where my heart was
a paper wrapper sits
saying expired

My head just as empty
saying hello to the fairies
that don't exist in my world
just a lot of fallen angels
slowly dying.

But this **** screen
doesn't solve my issues
that I can't resolve because,
*for ****'s sake I'm not me
anymore

I get drunk to not think about you,
yet you slip through the cracks,
every night you dance in my thoughts,
just to fade when I open my eyes;

I hold onto the scars that remain
because that's all I can bear to
keep after we were over;
I kept the wounds open just to hurt

Sometimes I touch my heart
where you rested your head
& I cry alone at night when
you aren't here laying down

It doesn't really matter, though,
staying stuck in the past hurts;
looking to the future without you,
that is truly what doesn't matter

It's been a year since you
took your own life away
& left a note for me
telling me that you're
sorry that you broke

I wish you would have called
tried to talk to me before
you took the pills
but we were complicated
another friendship too far

I'm sorry you fell for me
when my heart was for
somebody else
who ended up killing me
yet you're the one who died

Your gravestone rips me in two
& the ****** up thing really is
if you had stuck around a few
more months then maybe
we'd have had happily ever after

I need to accept that you're gone,
not coming back into my life;
to accept the reality that
you were another casualty
I couldn't prevent
couldn't stop...

I can't stop counting the days,
not the weeks or months, but days
that have passed without so much
as a whisper from your heart;
I can't stop breathing your aroma,
the memories that stab my dreams...

I hope & pray you are happy
found somebody who loves you
a fraction as much as I did;
I hope your family is okay
that there was forgiveness &
mending in the days since...
I hope you're okay

I love you always...

There's a spit of land where I live
Jutting out into the water, the strait
It's rocky, but has beaches, too
Lots of feral housecats live there
Breeding for years, now....

This place is where my innermost thoughts and feelings
get explored by my broken mind and heart;
heart... just a cavern anymore...
filled with the bones of too many dead friendships
dead relationships
dead friends
dead lovers
why is death such a common thing in my life anymore?

The rising tide wraps around my ankles but I stay in place
standing there staring at the country across the strait
the mountains I've never climbed and I wonder why;
why do I feel so hopeless and destitute anymore?
Why do I bother living anymore when all I know is pain?
How come I feel like I'm drowning from the inside out?
the water is to my knees

I've loved three women in my life
tried to love a dozen more but couldn't
tried to save a hundred souls and can't
so I cry in a pillow at night
I cry standing here and now
salty tears mixing with salty water
just a drop in the ocean I can't change
why can't I change my life?
why can't I make things right?

I keep building up walls but the water pours over
up to my neck and I'm still standing still
I'm a statue with a stone heart,
no,
a stone shell of a heart
cuz I invited hell to my heart
I lost my start
and there's no restarts
High tide fills my lungs
just close my eyes and let it happen

A strong crushing feeling on the edge of existence
  Investigating a never-ending black tunnel
A crypt of hopeless souls forever seeking shelter
  Without a lamp to guide their fruitlessness
I see the ghastly faces set upon every person still
  Cold, pale and downtrodden with weight
Devoid of any glow to indicate they are alive
  They are obscure and discarded remains
Theirs is a cell of forgetfulness and tragic pain
  Forever feeling along the walls of torment

I can run
                from
every monster in
my nightmares
                   But
I can't run from
       Me...

I finally understand how much I hate myself

I'm sorry for clinging too tight to the people I love,
I'm sorry for the addiction ruining friendships,
I'm sorry for the people who I hurt inadvertently,
I'm sorry for having my heart continually bleed
I'm sorry my friends can never stay a part of my life,
I'm sorry my mind is a stew of PTSD and abandonment,
I'm sorry my body has felt the blade to ease the pain,
I'm sorry my heart is so shattered I can't love past friends,
I'm sorry I ever trusted certain people not to hurt me,
I'm sorry I've always been alone and don't understand people,
I'm sorry I always talked straight because I hate ******* games,
I'm sorry I either try too hard or give up too easy,
I'm sorry that hope has taken it's leave from me,
I'm sorry that my faith became critically wounded,
I'm sorry that I was a let-down since I was a child,
I'm sorry that family never really felt like family,

I'm sorry for the hurt, the misery, the agony, the pain,
I'm sorry for the things *i can't change...

You could never fathom my heart,
You could never accept my love,
You could never trust me,
You could never love,

So you broke my heart,
Just a splinter at a time,
Everyday another crack,
Because you can't love,

Now I am a bitter man,
Cuz I can't forgive you,
I can never forget you,
& when you left, I died.

To trust
to believe
that which
isn't
      there
When the storm closes
its eye around
             you
There is no way out
but trust
   to a hope
that it's not
the end
just a road you take
to get to
         the peace
you desperately hope
              and believe in

I have forgotten how to breathe
yet my lungs keep me alive;

I am losing everyone
because I lost myself;

I am falling apart
splinter by splinter;

I am now lost
the walls break down;

Who am I;
What is in the mirror these days?

Everything is crushing me
Silently the world passes by
Onlookers without love
Demons plaguing their lungs

But demons plague me as well
The dust stuck to my lips
Gravel caught in my teeth
The bootheel against my throat

Yes, everything is crushing me
As I try to carry the world
Everything is crushing me
Because I'm under the water

You've moved on
You're living life
I'm still counting days
Since my heart died

the pain
the numbness
the subtle suffering

I've lost track
How many days?
I know you're gone
Never coming back

the lonesome tears
the fragrance you left on my heart
the empty beds

Just know I miss you
My wish upon stars
Sparkle of gold
Killer of my heart

*the shock of loss
the bitterness of loss
why did I lose you?

I have a thousand and one
                       questions
yet my words break
              before they speak
they shatter
    but I am never made whole
even when I lay these
     words on the paper canvas
drawing
  captivating with a broken
                              heart

everything feels like its
       a fractal
invisible to the naked eye
               but still existing
       like heat from the sun
wind sailing through the air
it is a broken thing inside me
         this heart
this soul has seen too much
    but the show
                       must go on

Am I the only one not understanding it?
Some poems have no likes or views
Some poems have a preview, others don't
Some poems are brand new
Some poems are two days old
There's a temperature gage that doesn't make sense
And sometimes there's a poem that disappears off it

*I'm flabbergasted...

I'm broken
beaten down
worn out
hollow
tired

all those other
synonyms for what
I have become

****

everything is just so wrong
all of my plans burnt down
along with too many bridges

I mean
I've lost everyone I can count on
in one way or another
So I wrap myself up in the hurt
because it's the only blanket I have
against the cruel world I live in

****

Why do I even bother writing anymore
there's only so many ways I can say
I'm a broken human being
Not broken in a good way
But broken in a way that makes me
non-functional

how many friends I lost
know I'm going to lose more
just because that's how life works
I stopped counting
after I lost my lover
then my best friend
stopped counting
after the fourth suicide
the missing

****

it's time to put the pen down
I can't write away all of my problems
there's no value in "I miss you"
no matter how eloquently I pen it
you're not here anymore

and I'm so ****** up
this poem don't even have a single
Person in mind when I'm writing it
I literally can't keep track of
how many different pains
I'm trying to address...

oh well...

*****

A pierced spirit remains
Brought low but prideful
Judgement of myself
Without any self-value

Pangs of hatred stir
And of sorrow lost
Execution of soul
A shell without purpose

How utterly I have been broken
Oh! Faith has been vanquished!
An enemy has ravaged my heart
Decrepit and crippled ruins remain

There is no more hope
I am blind with pain
I no longer know my way
Loss is all there is

I still hold
     untold scars
but
     I still smile
when I see your face

A frosted veil
  with haunting voice
Ice shattered
  raining from skies
A world below
  but I know it not
Starlight above
  a longing for love