I wish you were still here,
but I'm kinda glad you're not,
you'd see the miserable excuse,
of a man I have become.

I love you so much,
I wish our hands were,
intertwined tightly,
your head on my chest.

I miss you, y'know?
You had all of my heart,
all of me, period you had,
it hurt like hell when you left.

You probably had to leave,
couldn't keep me in your life,
with all the family drama,
but I understand.

If you could have kept me you,
would have kept me,
but it doesn't stop the pain
of you not being here with me.

I miss you, y'know?
I love you.

An arrow points to the
hole in my chest
where my heart
once lived.

Happiness?
Where have I gone?
Cold and darkness
embraces my mind.

The mirror
shows me as
hollow and dead
like I'm a corpse.

I'm totally disconnected
and disjointed in this
reality, this plane
of existence.

Where has the me
that I once was
gone to?
Where am I?

I feel nothing
tasting only the
loneliness and dust
on my lips.

I've become paralyzed
in the waters of despair.

I still can't really process
you left.
My best friend, through the
hard times and the good.
You just left.
Violated my trust and then left.
Blamed me and then left.
I put everything on us and
you just left.
I'm too scared to cry.
I'm too scared to breathe.
My mind is just in a fog
can't understand you.
Were you looking for an excuse
to leave?
Was I that bad of a friend to you?
Did you suffer the same hell
I went through for you?
Seven years, and the one time I desperately
needed you, you tell me to *******?
Do you not understand I would
do anything for you?
That you were one of the reasons
I didn't pull that trigger last night?
You leave,
block me,
don't respond,
just like that...
And that hurts me more
than my friend who killed herself,
or the second,
or the third...
the lover I lost,
all the rejections,
the family issues,
the PTSD,
all of it combined...
You never even asked
why I was suicidal last night.
What did I do to you
to think of me with such
little regard? To discard me?
We talked everyday.
I supported you through
every ****** boyfriend you had.
I did everything I could
to make sure you were okay
when your mom had the stroke.
I've written you hundreds
of heartfelt poems
(that you never would read
unless I sent them to you)
and you leave
when I cry out for help...

**Who have you become?
Because you're not the woman I knew.

I am shaking uncontrollably
All these feelings aren't mine
I want to fade into sleep
Everything is so wrong
I'm a tormented soul
My cry is unheard
I'm deaf and blind
Mute and crippled
I say not my own words
For I have no words left
I am broken
Wounded
I am dead

From darkness to darkness
  My mind laments
    A deep stirring
  Within the fragile
Substance that I now am

Midnight air is what I dream
  Midnight colors fill
    My thoughts
  Provoke a dull flash
As I pass into a deep sleep

Scars trail into the abyss
as the world becomes undone//

Wanton slaughter and rampant
rage echo through the halls//

I am sorry for all I have done//

And all I have failed to do...

You clipped her wings so she would fall,
but she learned to fly without your voice
to soar into the atmosphere.

You were her morning and evening star,
the guiding lighthouse on the shore;
you were her adoration.

You didn't understand that she truly loved you,
how much of her heart she gave to you that you
trampled on and discarded for your own pleasure.

Now she's going to fly
grow
love
be free
while you're still in your chains
of heart games and misleading.

In short, she's always going to
**be better
than you...

how can such a beautiful person
                                               torment themselves so much?
how can love pour out for others
                                               and hate be given to yourself?

Silence in my ears
Ashes in my mouth
Hope has flown away
I stare at plaster walls

All these words,
All these feelings,
I'm a madman
Yelling at mirrors
Scrabble pieces mixed up,
Fifty-Two cards shuffled,
I'm ******* insane
I don't know reality anymore

I made a bed of wrong turns and bad choices
  & blankets of regrets and sorrows
I cry myself to sleep in this livid torment
  & dream whilst never awaking...

lay in impassioned throes,
bodies pressed with one another,
tracing sins with our fingers
on each other's creamy skin.

i want your taste to linger in
my mouth just a little longer.
to hold the fullness of your *******
in the palms of my hands.

to lay together in sweat and
ecstasy, full of pleasure.

Friends are a lot like
leaves of a tree,
or roots of a tree.

They're in your life for
a few seasons and fly,
or in your life forever...

I'm losing my focus
so hard to concentrate
my mind is bouncing
like a rubber ball on
glass walls

Everything is weighing on me
like the fact it's been nearly
120 days since I last spoke
to the woman I love without
reservation

Or that I'm struggling
with my close friend
trying to mend the bridge
of the relationship is hard
when she never replies

Or the fact that my addiction
is spiraling out of control
burning me alive and yet
I can't bear to sleep with
a woman since my last

I'm losing sleep even faster
than the US debt is growing
no matter how exhausted i am
I wake up feeling drained
mostly dead

The worst thing about this is
I can't even commit suicide
because I'd rather ****** me
a little each day with the pain
because I hate myself

Why is it when I talk to you
   the only reply I get is my echo?
I'm pushing so hard to change
   & you just seem to ignore me...

When I wrote you this, I was in a really bad place
   do you remember?

My faith is practically dead right now, future me
   do you remember?

You're missing the woman you love that you lost
   do you remember?

She's that sparkle of gold stuck in your soul
   do you remember?

Or how strained things are between Kayla and you
   do you remember?

Remember that night you wanted to end it all?
   do you remember?

Have you come to terms with your friend's suicide, yet?
   do you remember?

You're going to be a warrior someday... I have to endure
   do you remember?

Has anyone wanted your love, your passion?
   do you remember?

I hope you're married by the time I read this again...
   do you remember?

Maybe you'll still be where I am now, stuck in love
   do you remember?

Just know it was worth it, loving her. Even though she's lost...
   *do you remember?

He had given her his
Everything
And it killed him
Requiem
This is how love kills

Sixty words per minute// no errors
Five hundred plus poems// written
Thousand firm handshakes// given
Countless prayers cried out// frantic
And if you ever saw me work// well
You'd be surprised

I think I'm ready to surrender,
to raise my white banner,
done with pushing you away,
open up to you once more.

You already know my wounds,
the deep scars I carry,
I'll let you touch them tenderly,
I won't lock you out.

See, I only felt love; I forgot to show,
Love is also an action, sacrifice,
I let go of you and held onto myself,
But I miss you and long for you.

I don't care how ugly you say you are,
you're ******* beautiful in my eyes,
and if you're messed up, so am I,
I'm with you always.

**~Your best friend

True love:
Loving perfectly
an imperfect person

True love:
Giving everything
For only one

True love:
I love you
I love you too...

When I see you down and blue
   all I want to do is hug you.

You feel like you're not worth it
   trust me, you're the ****!

I care about you and love you
   because you're a good person.

I've got your back, I mean it, you're fam
   I got you when people don't give a ****.

You're feeling every brick
of your house falling down
each thud you shudder and
shake because you're scared
of all the elements you're
going to be exposed to now
that everything is collapsed.

Hold onto what you believe
you're not a bad person at all
I promise you're going to live
I promise I'm here to hold you
up through this hardship you
are going through. Embrace
the challenge and overcome.

**I believe in you.

A country that the world left behind
when rubber could be made by man.
The country that slaves found home.

I love this country
that I haven't set
foot on it's soil
yet.

I want to walk it's
dusty trails into
rainforests and
hidden tribes.

I want to sing with
all the vagabonds
ragamuffins &
castaways.

It's a country unknown
a frontier to discover.
A place to call home
maybe...

Bless the Man crucified
Bless the slain Lamb
Bless He who bled
Bless God in flesh
Bless the Savior
Bless Jesus
He Lives

Why is it a constant thing
When something works fine
It gets changed?

I honestly couldn't help but laugh
At how we both end up broke from
Love.

Seven years we've known each other
You've gone through six boyfriends
None meant for you.

I've had not a single girlfriend yet
A complicated situation with one
I loved like you.

Now we're in the same boat
Scared to love because it hurt
Too deep to heal.

Most ****** up thing is
If I wasn't a *****
and you could trust me
We'd have forever together
But instead our love is a memory.

I don't think most people understand depression
                                                    ­                         suicide
                                                         ­                           PTSD
or the cycles that they come in as if they were tides.

People don't see past the smiles and laughter to the darkness within;
That you could be surrounded by love and feel okay
                                                            ­                            yet still be dead

That no matter how much comfort or peace you have it still gnaws away in the beck of your mind and chews a hole in your heart.

Cut wrists and suicide attempts aren't a cry for attention but for help;
does anybody out there hear me? see me? feel the way I feel? does anybody get that I am on the edge and losing it? why does nobody listen? why don't they take me serious? am I worth anything?

It disgusts me we execute the wounded and condemn their suffering;
Maybe they shouldn't feel the way they feel, but it's how they feel, so quit trying to tell them to stop feeling that way!
QUIT TRYING TO FIX THEM

Just be there... they need to know they aren't alone.

Love
What to say?
I painted my life
with love entirely
so I burn in flames
I die to everyone
give everyone
and I die
in love

I would rather have your heart for just one day
                                  than have a million diamonds and waste away

I can't stand missing you anymore.

You are all I've longed for yet you
  have gone away, away, so far gone.

I don't think you understood how
  much your love meant to my heart.

I have tried to move on without you
  yet life lost its luster and it's volume.

So I bemoan your absence in another poem
  that doesn't scratch the beginning of my pain.

Trickling streams released from ice
The return of feathered friends above
Blossoms of plum and cherry sprouting
Rays of sun captured in morning fog

Where does this infant season take you?
To pastures of wild flowers as far as you see?
Along creeks buzzing with young flies and bees?
This infant season is my favorite time to live

Take these weary bones and let them
Soak in the season's infant rainfall
Now is the time for rebirth and
Revitalization of the heart

I think it's about time I
faced all of my devils
that I buried so deep.

I think it's about time I
woke up from this slumber
I have cast upon myself.

The man in the mirror is
so different from the man
I have always strove to be.

I'm done with maybe's
& want to's
& wish I's
& just am's

I'm going to accept the darker
pieces of my soul I kept locked
and buried away.

I lose myself in my lusts
but I never lose my care
for those who I love.

I get swallowed up in
agonies too great to understand
but I never will end it all.

I have the greatest
friends in the world
who understand why.

Thank you all for your
love and support you give
for forgiving me when I get carried away.

I'm so sorry I lost you
  I never meant to lose you
   I love you beyond measure
    Why haven't you come back?
I saw you from afar
  I didn't know if I should say
   Hello.... hello...
I'm so sorry...
please come back

I am very unwell
My body wretches
Heart palpitates &
I am very unwell
A sickly soul within
Darkness got a hold
Won't let me go &
I am very unwell
My skin creeps
My bones creak
My voice croaks &
I am very unwell