I miss being around you all the time
A longing I couldn't even begin to describe
That holiday with you was something else
Something I do believe I've never felt
From sunrise to sunset
From kissing your shoulders
To getting our feet wet
As we walked along the beach

Hand in hand and heart in mouth
The tide's swooshing hisses
That soothing feeling; what life's about
I should mention
I don't really like the ocean
On the surface it seems barren
Yet it can swallow anything whole
But in your company, the world, the sea and all of its untold misery couldn't really bother me

It's like the warm breeze was your love, I enjoyed it in moderation and in abundance
I miss that feeling of you squeezing me
Tighter and tighter
On the back of that quad bike
As we rode down that mountain
And in to the night
I was probably a bit over zealous
What can I say, that's what I like
To live fast and die a part of you
Would be my happily ever after

Swimming pools, night clubs, bars, restaurants, shopping, walking, riding, drinking and dining
Were all just fancy ways of saying
'Spending time with you'
In thirty degree dry heat
At the hotel in our room
After an argument or two
Recovering from extreme partying
...and too much sun
I would try to lay close to you
When even the silence screamed I love you

I will never forget it gorgeous
These memories of us I cherish

Waking up without you hurts like a hole in the head
and I don't know where you are
or what you've been up to, last night
I only remember letting you down, again
I did something bad, I know what I did
but you wouldn't believe that, I did it for you
and why should you?
I'm Finley, the **** of this earth
apparently

I'm a ******* mess, as you would say
I need help, night and ******* day
can't be without you babe
wouldn't have you any other way
but no one would believe me
when I said I did what I did, for you
I don't wake up without you, for me
for nothing

You tell me,
"if my mother knew about me, about you
she wouldn't want me to be with you, Finley"
and I cry and my heart aches
because it's true
I'm a monster, I hurt all the time
your loving mother would probably think
I've done everything, under the sun
but I'm not that bad
you know me

The police won't even take me in
they bring me home
where the monster in me, starts again
I'd peel the skin off of my body if I could
just to shed this feeling, to be free
to be free of the things that surface
the things I don't want people to see
yet so desperately need to understand
and I've said it before, life is truly
a lustrous haze

I know you don't understand
even though the skin I wear
could speak volumes
whilst the cries of my heart are inaudible
shrieking intense screams
confined and encased
in this feeble cage I call my body
and all the music in the world
can not soothe me
seems like nothing in this world
can put me at ease
except you

You are the arms that carry me away
the hands that wipe away
the tears on my face
and they burn like acid
like tear duct bleach
not strong enough to cleanse me of shame
but as you unknowingly wipe them away
I feel whole again, in some strange way
you make my life
you make me something else
when I can't even better myself

If you think this isn't reality
Then *******
Accept the fact that misery
Is misery, and if that won't do
Then know that I know why
But I won't tell you.

Disturbia is my life
**** Rhianna for
Envisioning a sick truth,
Then not exposing the demon
That lied to you.

The truth, it is far fetched.

I so badly want to fit in to you
Be apart of your life
Because I love you so much
And you love me but love
Was never enough

We have different dreams
Yours are glamorous and admirable
Mine are modest and never true
My dreams always tell a story
Of a life of success with me and you

I don't see how I fit in to your dreams
We're raised so differently
We want different things in fact
I just want you and me
You want the scary life of fame
Champagne and big cities

I would live in your shadow
Without hate or jealousy
I'd father our children and love them so
We'd teach them the best of us
A bit of both and a lot of love
That is my fantasy

But I was meant for more than that
I really think I was
I don't want to carry your briefcase
Yet live separately in our minds
I've been hurt before and know
It's only a short matter of time

Nothing in this life pleases me more
than seeing you're smile and
hearing you laugh in the evening
even when you're laughing at me
and how ridiculous I can be
you could laugh at me on my deathbed
I'd die a happy man I can tell you that

I feel like lately I live to see you happy
when I should be living for our happiness
so that you can see me happy too
you need to know something darling
if not from me then from anyone
genuine enough to say it because its true
you are one of the most determined
and straight forward thinking people
I have ever had the pleasure of knowing

You will get where you want to be
maybe not today or tomorrow
or even a few months from now
but you will get there and
I want to be there with you
every step of the way
then when we finally get where we're going
we can look back and say we enjoyed the journey
loved it in fact, because when I'm with you
I don't understand sadness
I don't understand how darkness creeps up
and makes its way in to my life
when you shine so bright
right there in front of me

I believe in you gorgeous and I always have
I always will and I always have, don't forget
be yourself and never change for anyone
bite the hand that holds you down and
stay bright for as long as you can
because I need you to
call me selfish but I need you to
I think you never even knew that
everyone you love uses your light
to guide them home and brighten their day

All but forgotten
not love but loneliness
that prevails
in profound sadness
and self pity
you could be loved
you might be cherished
no one sees the pain
asking how you are
with a smile in the morning
or how the day went
over a cup of tea in the evening
never a serious question
never sincere

You try your best to tell them
the sensation is not unlike
biting your tongue when eating
the mouth opens and
you want to say "ouch!"
but you're in too much pain
to move your tongue
then you remember
as the pain finally subsides
they don't care
this is just one of life's formalities
you keep it bottled up
and move on...

I had grafted for the best part of ten hours,  serving stupid smart people their breakfast lunch and dinner.
By the time I finished my shift and clocked out. I thought to myself, I don't care if they clone sheep here.
This job is not a winner.
Scientists, most of them.
Very intelligent people I'm told.
So I watched them eat and drink, wondering if their pockets are lined with gold.

Usually I'd leave work swiftly,  I could never wait to get home.
My body lethargic, almost anemic.
I wanted my bed, all to be alone.
I took off my work clothes and began to get dressed. Caught a glimpse of my frail body in the mirror. Never could gain weight,
I blamed it on stress.
I walked to my car outside.
Car park A, for arseholes no less.

I keep thinking about sending that text
"thanks for yesterday"
whilst I suppose it's slightly less crass than
"thanks for last night"
as your reply was still heartfelt
"it was nice to have someone to waste a day with"
I kind of have to admit I read it as
"it was nice to have someone to waste away with"

I keep thinking about that night
the one I spent with you
thinking about how it didn't feel
more so than about how it felt
I keep thinking about who I am
and about how you weren't her
really, it can't be your fault though;
that the love isn't waning

A lifetime of searching
Generations lost
Sometimes I feel like
We're all searching for something
Even those of us
That seem to have it all
Retracing our steps, backtracking
Looking under the bed and
On top of every counter

Painstaking,
Day in, day out
A memory forgotten
A lost note found
A cigarette to jog my mind
Wait I know,
Better check last year's trousers
I always leave something
In last year's trousers...

There's nothing quite like
Finding what you were searching for
There's also nothing quite like
Losing sleep at night
Wondering what it is that you are
Searching for in the first place
Asking yourself
"When I find it, will it make me happy?"
Startling, the thought that maybe
Happiness is what we're searching for
Every single one of us
Even those of us that kiss it goodnight
Or dress it in the morning
And greet it with supper in the evening


The search goes on...

I'm sicker than sick
A selfish hedonist
Admired yet frowned upon
Like a spit covered ****
Maintaining my innocence
Through denial, my head picks
Up on things, but only what it wants
I see the world for what it is
The blind leading any and all
Sick enough to follow

Then my brain regurgitates it
in to something a little easier to swallow

How doth the illnesses
and the sadness,
plague me so readily
today,
tonight,
forever lurking
inside
creeping up
and forcibly attaching
to light and happiness,
to hope and well being

I'm lonely without you
and I keep making mistakes
I try to be better for you
though it's no longer my place
still when I fail at something
or struggle another day
I feel like I've let you down
and the tears come swiftly,
heavily with lasting pain

I should have been there
believe me darling
I wish I was man enough
to comfort you through
the fire and brimstone,
the excruciating pain
and maybe we'll never
get to feel the same again
but I can be better!
and so can you

Please let me comfort you
it's all I want to do
and in comforting you
I could comfort myself
my intentions aren't selfish
I swear! I promise baby!
I just want to be with you
and hold you tightly
we can be better
a second time around

Admittedly I wasn't myself
for a very long time
when we were together
and I rejected love because
I was living sadness!
and this pain is breathing
it has a life of its own
I dream of you, you know?

Jealousy,
I beseech you!
Tamper with my heart no more.
The temperament of love is sinuous
and the strings of my heart frayed.

I found one of your hairs
on my shirt the other day.
I guess that it must have
fell in to my suitcase.
The one you helped me
to pack so very neatly.
Only just over two weeks
ago now you were making
sure I had all of the essentials.
In that moment, a piece of you
fell from your head and found
its place in my three week supply
of essential and important things.
Essentially redundant things.
Exceptionally worthless things.

I've felt rather alone since I left.
Despite the fact I've been with
people I love and cherish.
I guess what I'm trying to say is:
When I found your hair
it kind of occurred to me that
I brought a part of you with me.
All this way, four and a half
thousand miles, nine and
a half hours of flight.
It broke my heart all over again.

The suitcase is unpacked now.
Very soon I will pack it again.
This time without your help.
Knowing I will not be coming
home to you as I had planned
hurts like a hole in the head.
I miss your smile so much.
I miss the way we'd make
eachother feel when we're sad.
Safe, secure and forever loved.
I miss your green eyes and your
pale skin, the beautiful contrast
of your dark hair made me weak.
Still makes me weak.

Did we give you a fright?
youth is wasted on the young
well I'm young and having fun
without the need to own a gun
"take this" no thanks,
it's been done
as if I'm the only one
who believed in forever young

I'm playing the cards
but I'm playing so wrong
poker face is transparent
personality is fluorescent
so in essence adolescence
will end in a second

So don't even beckon
with a nod

When I see her
My whole world expands
A stranger place when she's around
Except everything makes more sense
Somehow
I feel sick for a second, like north and
South have traded places
A wonderful vertigo and I embrace this Sickness everytime
I get anxious and feel alone a lot, until the Storm in my head passes and I remember
She's mine
Clear skies tonight gorgeous

She understands me,
To the best of her ability
Better than most
And she also feels as though
If she's mine, I'm hers
And there will be no middle man
This love is not a triangle
I'm hers only
We have both loved before
Having learnt to know exactly
What we need in love and want
Thanks to knowing
The difference between
The importance of love and
The futility of want
She is my true north

Sometimes I feel like
She doesn't love me the same
Just because love is love
And we can all feel it
Doesn't mean we all feel it the same
Like when I drink and pour my heart out
She drinks and just dismisses my pain
At least that's what it feels like
But I know she wouldn't think it
She'd surely disagree

She reminds me I have no demons
That I am but a man with feelings inside
Who rejects them through pride and
A hope that I'm strong enough
To cope without them
But you can't bare the weight of love
Without the love for love itself
We have a passion for struggle
A need to see things through
So I'll be okay,
I'm always okay with you

How could I forget
the morning's sunrise,
the evening's sunsets,
tangled in bed with you?

I always wished that
there was a way
the breath you
breathed in to me,

could be kept forever--
keep me afloat forever.
You gave me life,
a gift I cannot return.

In the June mornings,
the sun burns bright
and calmly wakes me
from dreaming of you.

Whilst the warm nights
are my heart's torment.
Sleepless turning,
unable to watch you sleep.

I would die for you
I would move to the other side
of this planet just to be with you
I would change my life for you
as I surely cry for you
even when you don't need me
and you never asked for tears
but I'm generous with them
with so many to spare

I will not change for you
because I don't need to
I will just continue to
better myself for me
and be the man that you want
the thing that you need
and hope you come back

As I know
it is me that you love
I can feel it when you smile
when your eyes lock with mine
I wish I could feel like that
every second of every day
how long has it been darling?
you still give me butterflies

She was transparent,
blunt and beautiful.
what she lacked in grace,
she made up for in good times.
I remember the face she would make
when she laughed at my stupid jokes.
her eyes would squint and her mouth
would shrink right before it widened
stretching from corner to corner
showing her lovely white teeth.
She wore a dark red shade of lipstick,
loved my writing, the poetry and songs.
I miss her pinot grigio kisses
and her nicotine scent.
She left me at Heathrow airport
and on her way she went.
She was going to be an actress
and I was going to be
whatever I was going to be.
She saw the best and the worst in men.
I wonder though, what she ever saw in me.

Line by line, recite my pain
Neither me, you or the world to blame
Remembering how weak I was
Forgetting how strong I am
Surrender, my talent
Giving up, never my plan

I don't want to be just another man
I want to be special and unique
Different yet the same and admirable
I want success, I want to be humble
The universe doesn't care
Nothing is planned
Since fate doesn't exist

Every day is different
Every day is the same
I make no difference to this world
I'll never make a change
If I'm honest
I myself never really liked change
Hell, I never really even liked myself

A jealous individual is me
A sad one too
"Woe is me" cliché yet true
I wake up every day and cry inside
"What am I going to do?"
Every poem I wrote sounds the same
"Oh sadness, Oh love, Oh money,
Oh baby, Oh please, Oh why"

I'm suffocated by anger
Egged on by pain
An old soul with a young face
A young man with no place
Very few friends since eighteen
All I am is a sob story
An easy to get on with drama queen

I am so hungry
I would lick your
***** cutlery clean
and my eyes still
won't adjust to the
changing light conditions  

I'll also be offering my
services every evening
this week because
I am absolutely
  strapped

No I won't be
your rent boy
but I will
clean your boots
and wash your car
...and sleep with your sister

You see, pride can't
diminish
when it's already
gone
so I'll be your masseuse
I'll dry clean your thong

If you can't
reach me via phone
I'm either dead
or making progress
feel free
to leave a message

******* are itches like skin conditions
forget the admissions and feelings and visions
find yourself in a position where decisions
are void, because there's no choice,
no recognition, my voice is an imposition

With no occupation, or real reason to function
I'll spend my money on medication 'til
I'm believing what I'm seeing
Something is weighing on my mind heavy,
roll up another blunt-skin,
crack open another bevy,
Something is playing with my mind lately,
just write a couple bars
Yeah, that'll tell them nothing maybe

My hopes were up, but they have come down
It's too often we carve a smile out of a frown
just to fit in
           when we were born to stand out
So as a rule tell others how you feel,
not let em figure out
Honesty's my policy, unless I think they're on to me
and now I've lied again
I better turn my life around
In a short life, I've been much, I've been proud
I've been up, I've been down,
I've been chewed and spat out
Left out in the sun, left out to dry up on the ground

But all the aspirations that I'll never meet,
can be recycled to ambition if I get back on my feet,
But all the things I was promised, that's deceit
the act or practice of deceiving,
concealment or distortion of the truth,
for the purpose of misleading, so they got me bleedin'
and everything I want, I'm not receiving
and everything I need, I know they're keeping

I hate my skinny frame
my bony hips and spaghetti appendages
I envy the built lads with guns for arms
those guys that can wow a girl without any charm
I heard that girls like being carried to bed
they'd more likely be able to carry me instead
and maybe that's the reason I never get any head
but jokes aside, this is a problem
men, women, boys and girls
we're all fixated on an image the media has us fed
some of us feel worthless because of our bodies
forgetting our positive oddities
forgetting the perks we have like a beautiful smile
or eyes that given the attention
hold something you haven't seen in a while
a lot of us haven't felt love from ourselves in years
it could bring me to tears
all because when we look ourselves in the mirror
we see imperfection
but let me ask you this; what is perfection?

Is it a man so jacked up on steroids he can't get an *******?
is it a girl so skinny they call her the queen of size zero?
when zero is the number of healthy teeth left in her mouth
from forcing herself to be sick after every meal?
so what is the deal
with this perfection ****?
I've had enough of it, having to listen to the girl I love
saying "oh I'm so fat" well **** me, I've had enough of that
call me unsympathetic call me a ****
I'm done hating myself, I'm learning to bounce back
you are who you are, a poet once told me to be proud of that
and that I am finally, once and for all
I might be skinny and look weak but I'll stand tall
I'm a clever guy, or so I'm told
I've got charm so I'll learn to use it
keep writing the poetry, to me it's sweet music
keep on telling myself
"I can do this, I can do this, I can do this"



**and so can you

It would seem as though,
the cycle is never ending
and perhaps it truly is.
Trading paper sterling
just for a life worth living.
Digits and decimals,
computerised gold,
credit checks and loans.
It's breaking my soul.
Never once in school--
did they say I was a fool.
Yet clearly,
they took me for one.

I put myself out there till I tear
'*** I care and then I just recoil
enough time spent trying to make a dent
then you get sent, really makes your blood boil
words so potent, that your heart gets frozen
in the end it only makes your food spoil

If I move on fast
then I'm fast and I'm fast
'*** I never really loved you
If you move on fast
then you're fast and you're fast
'*** you never really loved me
put me on blast,
put me on blast, put me on blast
'*** I never really loved you

Not even twenty-one yet crushed
by the weight of a thousand problems
Financially suffocated by a prolonged
suffering which was initially avoidable
and ultimately devastating

Since 'momma' kicked me out
I could feel the independence
Decision making and problem solving
was always something I excelled in
Though, it was always do as I say,
not as I do

"Yes mum I'm going to college, it's looking very promising yes, I love you too"

None of this will make sense to me
in five years time I'll be the same waste
of space I am today but I can't let
the people I love know I feel this way

Tormented and asphyxiated
The best of us suffer in silence
Drugs, *** and general self abuse
are the only things that alleviated
my sense of self worthlessness

The higher you are the further
you'll have to fall because right now
I am on another planet but my body
was never a temple and I can tell you
it's more like a post modern nightclub

Struggle
              Suffering
                     ­         Loneliness
                                             ­    Substance
                                   Betrayal
                           Help
          Recovery
Relapse
              Sleepless
         ­                    Hopeless
                                            Rejection
  ­                                                          Failure­
                                       Self-loathing
                  Rock-bottom

I best chill out, take another ****
recalibrate,
remember my heart's broke
talking about girls will always make me choke
how'd you feel about pretty women?
well pretty women are sick of me
and yet I slay '*** it's time I'm killing
it's a void that I'm filling
whenever I'm drinking and pilling
popping my life away
my head's higher than the ceiling
maybe I'll never feel the same
trying to find somewhere to place the blame
the hardest part is that
I know it's just growing pains

So long as I breathe
and dream of you
and wake to think
of being with you
so long as I cry for us
and don't feel right
without you near
or when you don't call
or say I love you back
so long as every love song
reminds me of you
and I can't find a melody
or a perfect tune
to describe the feelings
you make me feel

The skies have changed tonight
You were once the moon
I the rise and fall of the tide
I will choke as I admit,
You have been so
Beautifully affecting me
Since I met you that night
I've been caught up in despair
I completely forgot about life
But I had you my moon
But I had you...

To lift me up
To show me my pearls
Illuminating my sea
Enjoying my curls
Reminding me often
With your glowing face
Life is beautiful

Alas, there are other oceans
Across this vast world
I know you will continue
To give life to those you
Grace with your presence

My moon,
My light in the dark
As I lay here motionless,
Tired and still
I Just don't know if
I'm envious or jealous
Of the waters you now meet

Two things are certain;
I'm happy you're happy
And memories aren't enough
A picture may outlast its camera
But I want to be eternal,
Ethereal,
Just like you are to me

Forgetting how good I have it
Abusing my advantages, an insult
to those who believe in me
Perhaps I'm not meant to be
what I want to be...

I think I have a problem
Oh primeval instinct, take from me
what I've worked for
Take what I've dreamed to achieve

A beer for breakfast a bud for tea
Screaming in my head the hilarious
irony of; "why does it always rain on me?!"
Smiling forever because I'm a joke

I dream of writing a book about my life
Consistently fictional, to seem to the reader as though it is as dark as it feels
But I can't write as the curtain closes

Life has got me feeling down
a shade of sadness paints the halls
my worries got me feeling ****
I'm too young to feel this way
I gave up drugs but I want a hit
my soul turns old and silver grey
money problems at twenty years
my mother's sickness
has my family in tears
I hate this life I'll admit it
didn't want to offend
the people closest to me in my life
by saying it's so

Now I don't care to be honest
I have to be true
a life of happiness
isn't possible with my state of mind
and I've been thinking this
for a very long time
I'm miserable and sometimes
I want to die
but I'm a coward
and cowards seldom die
we run and we ***** and we moan
and we cry
sobbing at the fact it's ourselves we loathe
I want to drown myself
in a sea of liquor no less
forgetting my worries
this life and it's stress

I saw a man on the bus today,
he looked like your sort.
Dark skin with darker hair and
very fine prominent cheekbones,
with just enough beard to look
scruff but smart.

Ah, to be scruff but smart,
dapper, suave and rough.
As he brushes a tuft of his hair
behind his left ear
I smile to myself creepily.
I'm not afraid to admit
I was thinking about how
I could write all this.
Then about why I thought
that he'd tickle your fancy.

I guess I didn't really.
I suppose I took to my own liking
and assumed he'd
look good next to you somehow.
I can't say I know why.
Though I believe
a straight man is entitled
to an opinion in this case.

The same way a woman might
talk about how their waitress
had stunning eyes or
wonderful hair that shines
without being even
the slightest bit greasy.

It's the eyes,
they always tell a story
Even in the darkest times,
the eyes hold pride and glory
When they're empty
there are plenty
As the lonely
seem to stick around

I do see smiles,
I can hear laughs
Yet it's the eyes
that always cry
They carry a weight
in bags, a trait
I always say
is not evidence that
I'm tired

If I'm not wrong,
eyes don't belong
on your head
forever exposed

Forever exposed
to all of those
who seek to
figure you out

Although I'm glad,
they are my weakness
Many I've seen
could have been
less than signs of kindness
Understanding why
we lose that light in our eye
was never an ambition of mine

I've never been fond of change
this one is a particular pain
the same words only smaller
I guess size really does matter
in every sense and every way
the impact just isn't the same
I miss being able to see faces
why do things get complicated
in the search for simplicity.

I can't be more like you
can't even be less like me
stop asking me personal questions
I don't wanna make a scene
don't need to treat em like ****
to keep em keen, if you love her
the way that I'm feelings obscene
but I love her
saving myself '*** there is no other
been thinking about nights up the under covers
there's a carnal instinct that can't budged
don't feel I know you but feel I know enough
being hopeful, wishing you'll remain untouched

...And I remember the stuff
we said the last time I graced you
I got angry and shouted "I ******* made you!"
I let despair cloud my judgment
and then proceeded to disgrace you
I said I'd never hit you--
never said I was above it
my hearts closed forgetting the loving
but if you asked me now what love is
I'd tell you it's creation after destruction
it's peace after disruption
it's feeling whole with bodies touching
it's feeling empty without them
and you wishing you were something

The thoughts that haunt me,
creep up at night
Visions of fly overs,
passing headlights
The deepest oceans,
filling my lungs
Every soul,
I've ever done wrong
My health anxieties,
white pustules and red gums
Eternal suffering,
even after relief
These are the things
that **** me in my sleep

I'm sad and lonely
but I'm not alone
My family they love me,
my sweetheart and friends
Though I have a mind
they cannot mend
I'm shallow sometimes,
even self obsessed
These confessions of mine,
hurt me and cut deep
With depression in mind,
I can find no relief
One thing I know
If I can't get to sleep
The road I will go,
The road I will go,
The road I will go,
the road oh-so-bleak

I'm sinking, I'm drowning under
Endless streams of confusion
I wonder
If I could stem the flow
Could you silence the thunder?
My thoughts a storm
My mind's asunder

Shakespeare said love is a smoke
raised with the fume of sighs
So are we suffocating under it?
Or enjoying the intoxicated times?
Who'd of guessed I can't breathe
When I think about the goodbyes
From wading through lies
To restraining my indignation
Remembering my previous ties
And what I'm left with
I'll forget the unpleasant saturated state of mind
And say here's to goodbye
For the very first time

If I can keep this short
and sweet I will.
I love you gorgeous.
I mean,
you'd hope so wouldn't you?
It'd be hard not to love you.
You've built me up from nothing.
Time and time again.
When I'm not my best,
when I'm feeling stressed.
When I'm lost,
when I can't eat,
when I'm vexed.
It's a true test
of dedication.
No, a testiment
to devotion and love.

We may have fell out before
but we never fell out of love.
Maybe you thought you did.
Or thought I would.
Yet we always find a way
back to eachother.
I just wish we didn't have to.
I so truly wish
you didn't have to walk
a different path to find
it was taking you in
the wrong direction.

I'll always take you in though.
Direct you to my heart
because that's where you belong.
You always said I'm home.
I never want you to be homeless.
Just say you're coming home.
I want the words to give me life.

You see,
breathing isn't breathing
without you.
Living isn't living
without you.
And sleeping isn't sleeping
without you.
I haven't felt much in a long time.
But I always feel you inside.
You guide me
when I'm feeling blind.
Even when you're not mine.