I don't know
why I apologize
for everything
even
loving you


-em vidar

I wonder how much
we say to each other is true
You always say the right thing
and I doubt your sincerity
It's not like
I'm always on the ball
I'm human and stumble sometimes
but you
never falter
and I wonder
if I'm insecure
or if
I don't know the truth


-em vidar

I like your nose
and how it is incapable of moving
unless you are really happy
I like your hair
how it always falls into your eyes
and you still won't get a hair cut
I like your hands
even though you think they're always too sweaty
If they are, I haven't noticed when our fingers are intertwined
I like your arms
because before a simple brush of them sent a shock through mine
and now they feel like home


-em vidar

As we lay
our bodies intertwined
She looked up and asked
"How much do you love me?"
Tracing my pinky finger from her lips
down to the crescent birth mark over her heart I said
"As many atoms that exist from here to there".


-em vidar

I can't sleep tonight
for when I close my eyes
I only see your face and remember the moments I didn't tell you
how much I love you


-em vidar

I wonder
where, when and who
decided
that love
had to be held constant
never changing
to be considered
real
and true
when ours feels fluid
creating ripples
and sometimes waves
that I
would never trade away


-em vidar

A day full of preparation
for nobody
and nothing
as you pushed us all to far.....
Now you are
alone
but still blaming it all on someone
who isn't you...
because you can't face
what you've become

-em vidar

I wanted to walk away
The fear that held me back
was unbearable.....
It left me confused
to who I was
and what I wanted.....
Questions
the uncertainty
left me chained to you....
Only through her kindness
and patience
I learned myself worth
and I was able to leave you
in the ruin
you would have made me


-em vidar

I wonder if I ever
crossed your mind
seeing as you've crossed mine
a hundred times


-em vidar

I was too tall yesterday
Too loud today
Too hollow tomorrow
Not enough the next


-em vidar

he said it was the biggest
lie
but it turns out it was our only
truth


-em vidar

You claimed
My freckles were like the constellations
However, All stars
fall

-em vidar

You only seem content
If I am poisoned
Against
myself


-em vidar

I wonder
when I switched
into the poisonous snake
you've claimed me to be
I wonder if
I was always that way
you just helped show me
or if you were the cause
Because He tells me
that there is only good
when you told me
their was only pain,
and suffering,
and heartache, but
that didn't matter
Because I did not feel and you
were what was good for me
because
despite all the flaws you would point out
you claim that your love was
unconditional
and I  would find no one else
that would love the broken mess
that I had become
and when you shattered me more
in hopes of keeping me
in your little box
He stormed in
and let me out
and waited
patiently,
until I was ready
to accept his
type of love

Thank you
for telling me who I was but
loving me
anyways

thank you
for telling me
my worth
of what you deemed it to be

thank you
for showing me
how to spot a person
who doesn't love me


-em vidar

Thanks to her
I came to realize
How much of me
I had sacrificed for you

-em vidar

I hate that even when I check
And you haven't responded
That I believe the next time will be
Different
Even though
It never is

-em vidar

I'm happy
That you are moving on
From the devastation
You left me in

-em vidar

Today you spoke first
Grimacing as you do
Knowing, nobody means anything to you
even me because how could I


-em vidar

My finger nail polish lasted longer
Than any relationship
One can claim
To have had


-em vidar

I think you’ve cut your hair
Because
Her fingers look different
As they run through


-em vidar

I wonder what it will be like
To look back on those nights we spent
Talking about reality while chasing our dreams
I wonder if you've found it now
If you're still a dreamer like me
Or
Has reality taken you from me
Again?

-em vidar

Because I am me
And you are you
And that
Seems to be enough


-em vidar

How did Shakespeare get it so wrong?
Love was not in sonnets
But in smaller moments
Written for deaf ears.


-em vidar

I wanted to be sorry
For not picking up this time
Or the last
I'm not for the time before that
But maybe again for the time before that

You wanted me to be sorry
To hold your hand when you were scared
To pat you on the back for any accomplishment
To lie when he asks where you are
To fight for the wrongs you felt were done against you

I wanted you to be sorry
For the first time and the times after
For ignored opportunities
For the hours I gave you instead of me
For making me feel that I
Wasn't
Good
Enough

But now

I only want to hear goodbye


-em vidar

Shallow and content
With stolen glances through windows
In halls
Or simply not at all


-em vidar

I don’t know how long it has been
Since I last saw you,
However,
It feels like no time has passed, since you’ve reappeared

-em vidar

He was never in love with me
because I was never the real me with him
only the half that he wanted to see

-em vidar

Naïve
Yet
Perfection of
The unknown

-em vidar

Madness does not cease
I swear you noticed me in class today
When I try so hard
To blend in

-em vidar

I am not beautiful nor important enough
For you to notice me
So how come it seemed like you smiled
At me?

-em vidar

The armour I built
meant so much to me
at 15 it was the stand I took
against all those who said I wouldn't, couldn't
shouldn't
Now I am older
wiser as the younger come to me for answers
Would they still if they knew
That I can't remove the little pieces of metal
I hammered into place
or the colours I spilt on me
To hide someone no-one had considered beautiful till they were there

10 days since
9 months over ruled
8 years of friendship bound by
7 promises over
6 countries and
5 broken toes in relation to
4 different accidents that left
3 scars on
2 bodies and
1 heart with
0 survivors

When will I
                         no longer hold
                                                        myself back?
I need help
                                         I no longer know
what I am going to do

Save me

I should remember
you do not define me
even though you try
keeping me under control
oppressed with your words
cutting into my skin
bleeding my integrity
manipulation had always been your skill

I followed blindly
but I was just stupid
to trust the weasel in snakes clothing
do you remember how lonely it was
that made you come to me in the first place
do you remember the poison you spilled to make yourself happy
was it worth it?

was it?

I'm not sorry
that you felt you had no choice
I'm not sorry
you think that it is my fault
I'm not sorry
that the only way for you to deal was with the holes in the walls
I'm not sorry
that the bruises weren't covered easily under my makeup
I'm not sorry
you cannot take your words back
I'm not sorry
that you blame him instead
I'm not sorry
that enough was finally enough
I'm not sorry
you think its unfair
I'm not sorry
I'm not sorry
I'm not sorry
sorry

her friend had vanished with him. leaving us alone on the couch. cautiously I turned to the blue haired girl. leaning her head back towards me, I wondered what was on her mind. asking and in her response she smiled. "I'm not looking for love or anything, just something to write about". so stupidly I kissed her. and she
broke my nose

It would be nice
If my demons loved me
the way I love them
If they curled up like cats
or ran to me like dogs
if the sang in they morning to wake me up
or howled at the moon signalling sleep
instead
they creep around the issues
afraid to accept
the love
I have
the understanding I've gained for them
or maybe its me
and even demons can't love me

I wouldn't mind losing myself for a bit
maybe through that
I could gain understanding
and care more
about myself

Beautiful girl
Do you know how much you are loved
How you stand at the summit
Would you believe it
If angels came down to sing your praises
Because even they would fail to express it
Beautiful girl
Would you climb out of that hole
If a prince presented you with a ladder
Can you believe it if he presented you with the world
Because that’s all he can give but you deserve the moon and the stars as well
Beautiful girl
Could you believe the things I say
Because
They are what you say to me
And I  
Don’t believe you

You try to encourage me.
Assuring ,
it will be alright with time
but for me
you are asking the world.
to change my view
from
prejudice,
to
adversity