its days like these
i wish my life was an ease

do i only make it harder
harder on myself
allowing all thoughts
to stutter through my day

its days like these
that every thing goes wrong

do i only see it that way
that every thing ruins my day
when nothing has tremendously gone wrong

its days like these
i wish i could easily take a walk
to make all the racing thoughts stop

do i only let them continue
letting the brain’s juice stew

The satiation that went unmet
Thoughts unraveling
As I touch the sky
Wrangled back in
Contemplating the exhilaration below
The dilemma of silence
Pushing the fog aside
To let myself feel
One more time
Rooting in elation
As branches dance in
Letting go of gravity

              Or trying to

No,
You cannot drink you're on antibiotics.
Wait,
I'm here taking antipsychotics.

We’ll drive all night with nothings to
speak, but everything to hear. only
of course to leave the house of
what we know and expand our mind,
a trip across the universe. such is no
waste. I am free.
I am free. I
am free.
and the only thing I need is to know
How in the world do I go back?
we used to drive all night. I’ve
missed your face and the space
your body encapsulated as the
beat blared through our bones
Again, can we do that again?

ice drops from my fingertips
air crawls over my skin
i can’t escape this feeling
where do i go from here
being traced like a french girl
laying bare in your place
the only place i want to
continue to know
where do i go from here
drowning in my own skin
drowning in yours

drowsy bedroom eyes
they're wanting to sleep
by they'd rather look at you
striving for the moment to stay

curled up in your bed
listening to you speak
listening to the silence
the good kind, though

staring at your bedroom blue eyes
thinking in peace
and hopefully knowing
you're mine to keep

You line your nose with powder.
Can you see the paranoia as
easily as it is for me to see? You
mistake pain as pleasure and I see
charm as desperation. The appreciation
for kindness only gets you so far before
tragedy washes over our eyes.
If I could I would but I can’t when
you’re placing everyone else last,
not even the kids stand a chance when you’re
looking at bags of false hope
closely enough to drown your dreams.

my body shakes from the cold
that’s normal - at least its what i’m told
my whole body shakes
its like i’m an earthquake
an earthquake inside
waiting to break my mind
its so hard to tell
when i hear the bell
if all of this is truly real

i’d like to be out in the sea
i’d be on a wave
jumping over top
waiting for the crash
avoiding the undertow
i’d doing like i did as a kid
i’d soak up the sun
and play in the sand
just enjoying
the ocean breeze
and the ocean view

enveloped in your embrace
sinking safely to the
netherland where
my lipstick meets your face
sticking calmly to your cheek
an imprint made to last, I
could feel it for years after
I grabbed the memory
from the air as it was created
knowing the moment
would fly by with
such speed, but i can still
feel your skin through my shirt
and your fingertips tracing
my chin, cheek, and hairline
I can feel your eyes as they
wander amazed as i sob
tears in your passenger seat
and conclude with a warrant
to kiss you
not knowing if i’ll have
the time again
to show how much love
can pour from my skin
and into yours lighting a fire
that would still be burning
the afternoon after
the coffee and cigarettes
were gone. There’s beauty
in disaster and truth in struggle
and i found both of the better
with you. Smiling and laughing
and asking about my day
and always being tucked in
so tight
like i was precious cargo

here comes number two
this time I didn’t want to be through
this is the second overdose
at least I’m not comatose

first I had this headache
but then I felt my back ache
my hands were kinda trembling
my legs wouldn’t stop bending

my head began to tighten
my mom needed to be enlightened
I tried to talk with her
all my words were blurred

they asked if they could help in a way
I just needed to keep my body at bay
it was hard to breathe
I knew I needed to leave

in the car came more spasms
I don’t think she even fathomed
this is what happens you see
when you need meds to be

they ask me how much I took
to overdose on lithium
I just gave an astonishing look
I didn’t do this for fun

I’m here because I’m seizing
on a dose that was wrote
by my doctor you see
so I could finally be
normal to me.

you just lay me here to quiver
and you’re in here faking
this alarm is awakening
BP one forty three over ninety four
I’m convulsing, almost to the floor
my heart rate is up to one fifty
this could not be anymore ******

you wanna give me ativan
after I tell you they said no benzos
plus I’m on this other,
atypical antipsychotic
oh, I forgot to mention that other overdose.
I don’t need to frolic
in a white pill sea
that’s now beneath me

I just want this to stop.
this constant convulsing
the unwanted tightening
it goes from bottom to top

over an hour later
it finally chose to stop
when the blood work was fine
my heart was on a normal line

I'll dance with you so freely
Never like I have before
Being beside you is easy
You have a presence that touches my core
In some ways I've felt this before
With you though it's better
Better than the rest
Most possibly the best
I've never had something like this
Someone I can say how I feel
And dance like no one is watching
I think I might be falling

I see a firefly
He brightens up my night
I find him trying
To be so much more

Yet little does that guy know
He's doing so much more
Alone
that brightens up your night,
Sometimes your life.

we’re riding in your best friend’s car
where yah tell me that I’m cute
I just bow my head and say
you’re pretty cute yourself
you put your arm around my shoulders
and tell me I’m adorable
my body responds by touching your leg
my head just thinks “how can he be mine?”
he sings outloud, “please fall asleep so I can take pictures if you
& hang them in my room”
I just close my eyes and bob my head
to this tune that reminds me of you

Here we are again, stuck on the floor
Crawling across the carpet to what is no more
Screaming inside "I still love you more."
With those words, my heart you tore
And left me abandoned on the shore
So here I am, on the floor
Still crawling across these wooden floor boards

Forever sitting on the fence
You've placed me on the bench
Never will I see the green side
That's what I get for being this kind
Always watching dead grass
A lousy metaphor for left past
Trapped in a sense of grace
Yet you've put me in last place
Stuck in a reality that is no more
My body's the only thing left able to score
Even when I see the sun
My skills say I should run
Forever sitting on the fence
From here everything makes sense
Never will I fear the unknown
I see from both sides of the throne
Always looking out for number one
In this way, I will always be shunned
Trapped atop these wooden pickets
It's way too late for me to buy a ticket
Stuck in the nose bleed bleachers
No one is capable of being my teacher
Even when I see the sun
From my fence I will not run
Forever sitting on the fence
Where you put my heart to rest

A sociopath, at last,
my ideas aren't insane.
I have found a match
for my dreaded DNA.
Though it's just one night,
with the stars shining bright.,
I ****** you in my car.
You ****** me in my head
with conversations of life.
How goals are useless,
and love is hopeless.
I don't really care
about that or the fact
my body is totally bare
around someone who doesn't care.
I just ****** you for tonight,
though it's your thoughts with might.
Manic depressive the say,
that's what we are on paper,
but this is normal I say,
to ******* for a night.
It felt so right.

Lined paper is where
my mind feels Free.
For some it's textured
with flakes and graphite,
instead of my blue black ink

My mind feels Free
to let it all out with ease
between these dotted lines.
Others find melancholy in melodic breaks
along with a strong bass line to a song

Either way,
We're all the same
We crave creativity
to let us be Free

i have a nice apartment
two beautiful cars, a loving mom
and caring friends
ones that have
bent over more than once, more
than what i ever would have thought
they would just make sure i could
still stand on somewhat solid ground
looking to be found
i’m not really sure
if it’s by me or someone else
but, ****, it seems like hell

standing here alone and looking out
at all these people who care about me
yet i still feel like a burden
sometimes it’d be easier
if they’d shut the curtain
if they’d closed the doors
and let me be the girl outside
still looking for her way

"inside out, you’re underneath"
"don’t let me be gone."
"i’m a goner"
"i want to be known."


those are the lyrics
that had my eyes in tears
that had my heart in pain
they hit so close
so close to home
they hit my heart
they hit my head

every part of me
felt this song
felt me knowing
that eventually
no one can fix me.

i want to know myself.
i don’t want to be gone
i have to stop myself
stop it from being gone.

"i’m inside out,
you’re underneath."

i have to get right side out
i have to get that underneath
back outside
my filthy mind
my filthy mind that won’t let me escape

i can’t take another day
feeling this way
feeling like i’m somewhere
stuck in-between
between these spaces in my brain

Trembling hands
Hands turn to ice
There's ice in bones
Present in my bones
But not in my heart
In my heart I try to find hope
Hope of tomorrow and
Hope for the future
The future without so many crutches
Crutches that I need now
Now is when I wish
I wasn't born into this

that point inside
your veins
that rips you from
your mind
the one that takes
your soul

it leaves nothing
for you
it takes what it can making
you feel
that without it
you’re not real

it’s drowned
you out
for more than five years
it took away all
your fear
but it’s left you with
nothing more to bear
than a deep hole
inside your arm
that you can only see
with empty brown eyes

I can only say I’ve tried
more than a few times
to help you get it off your mind
but now now you’re only
crushing up more lines

with more lines comes
more tracks
which ends up with
less life and less tact

these racing thoughts
always interrupt
when i am calmed down
from the last up
it’s really hard you know
to decipher when
i’m ok to be alone
& when i need to be in an isolated zone

the real world scares me
because i can’t really be me
not a whole lot of people have to deal, you see
there was that chance i had
to stay gone forever
i guess i was too weak
to pull THAT lever

it worked in the end, ya know
one phone call
and a few missed ones
i was able to see the strength in me

now’s not any different
i just have to **** it up
and ask for assistance
not only from my mom
but from everyone i know
in some way as long as i am
able to return the favor someway

i’m not alone in this
i just have to remember that
there is a list i have
and people i can count on
my life isn’t a con
just a bare miss
i only need to remember
I Am Not Alone In This

I did what I was supposed to do
Yet it is turning out the same
I'm still running out of green pills
The ones that keep me sane

I did what I was supposed to do
Yet I still feel the same
I'm taking more orange pills
For I fear I'm going insane

I did what I was supposed to do
I counted to ten
But then I kept counting
Hoping I'd see my self around the bend

I did what I was supposed to do
It didn't really change a thing
I made a dreaded phone call
At least the voices were nowhere to sing

I did what I was supposed to do
It doesn't help the present problem
I made an appointment
At least I called them

I did what I was supposed to do
I left the house how I should
I kept my responsibilities
At least I could

I did what I was supposed to do
But I still feel the same
All of these **** things
And I still feel insane

i want to be angry
so ****** angry
but i’m not sure
if it is at myself
or at your ****** blue eyes.

i just want you.
to the point where
i feel like someone else
will end up here to replace
you and those blue eyes

i just want this.
i want it all to work.
i want it all to be perfect.
when right now.
i’m the farthest from perfection
that i have ever been before

i want to be face down
on a mirrored  table
coke in my nose
and THC in my system
klonopin residued
i was doing better then
than i am doing now

I'd like to run away
Find a new place
Watch my worries wash away
In a sea of grace
If only I could find
A way to calm my mind
I could figure out the place
Without having this chase
This chase for words
To say to you
When I'm just so astray
When every word is a glass shard
Trying to take all my pain away

I remember our first kiss
whiskey and too many cigarettes
I was at my worst
you were at your best
I made you do two lines
after all I needed to feel fine
you made me slightly nervous
you were too observant

will someone please explain
how goals are to keep you sane
its a set up for failure
it seems so unpure
to have a path the will be destroyed
by yourself or someone else

its all a big circle
success being the end game
but when does the game end
i've rolled the dice enough
to get snake eyes plenty of times

why hang onto hope
when you have nothing to hope for
it'll just happen again & again
failure in your face
so why even risk it anymore

there might be a chance at love
but why would i want that again
when it was just ripped away
away from me in the matter of days
it was a sudden twist of fate
in this game we call life
yet its still a drug to me

i'm still searching for my next fix
but i'm staying distant
not really letting myself feel
or is this normalcy
i've never felt this way before

i miss the days i was high on life
i miss the days when that was my normal
i don't understand how people live like this
i'd rather be insane
than stable with a clear mind.

when I’m driving down the interstate
I always have the same debate
I feel like I’m stuck in a **** crate

I would like to go.
drive down to Denver Colorado.
I would like to see
the west coast beach

when I’m driving down these side roads
I only see these toads
I would like to feel
that west coast real

I would like to walk,
have a nice talk.
I would like to be
with those that are free.

I’m parked in a driveway
and it’s only one way.
it’s definitely not -
it’s definitely not what i thought.

Trembling hands
Shaking feet
There's a fine line
That's where they meet
Like a cold winter day
Mixed with July heat
My heart sinks
Knowing what I think
And wondering what they might
I just know I'm tired of this fight

all I see are dead leaves
falling to the floor
piled in the corners
their sticking to my rake
it’s kind of overwhelming
I can’t really focus
when all these leaves are here
I wish I could switch gears
to get rid of all this fear

It's funny isn't it,
The way another can make your day
I'm not talking about the ones you hold close
I'm talking about the ones you'd never expect but,
Those that pass by on the streets,
Wave they're hands like they're ready to meet
Those that know you but you thought they hardly cared
So much to acknowledge your irregular presence
It's funny how you know
When you need these things most
So you leave your house feeling alone
With a sliver of hope you won't end up more lost
You drive to where you need to go
End up early to the party you were invited to
Except it was to be,
You ran into old friends and made new memories
You got there in time to get a hug
Just because it looked like you needed one
Too afraid to say yes I did,
But courageous enough to get up and accept
It's funny isn't it,
The way another can make your day

I want to write about you.
You leave me speechless.

as I sit here in a non sterotypical room
I think of why are these people here
they appear normal to me
which means the opposite as well
maybe they’ll avoid their eyes meeting my arm
my arms the one twitching today
with random sensations in my legs
I don’t feel well taking the two pills
their jobs are to put me on hill
& yet here I am still below ground
this whole mess looks like
a two year old drew a circle
there’s no balance here
just no death or fear of death
even if there was
it is gone in one deep breath

floating in the air
staring at the water
and the waves around
you
making magic fly
from my fingertips
higher in the sky
more than i’ve ever
been knowing that
i’m worth it
looking back in moonlight
the darkness appears

you want to **** me like a *****
*******, that's it nothing more
buy me two drinks
watch as your ego doesn't shrink
it only gets bigger
thinking you'll be better
than my god ****** sweater
wrapped around me tight
hoping you won't bite
i'll just be watching you demise
as you hope you spread my thighs
nothing more than friends
that's how this will end
i don't want your ****
because you ******* ****.

this tides not calming
keep it coming
the waves are rising
keep it coming
the undertows taking
keep it coming
it has me leaving

If I could steal another's words,
I swear I would have said,
"Be sure to kiss your knuckles,
before you punch me in the face."
If I would have had the guts,
I would have long before said stop.
I swear I would have said,
"Please stop your words
before they reach my ears."
I'd rather you have punched me in the face
Because I can forget the knuckle prints
But I can't let go of the word fits.

that last morning
was one of the best
your head slightly rest
upon my naked chest
your curls in my fingers
your scent still lingered
our love made so sweetly
destroying your current love
i left you in mourning
your decisions to destroy me
with your decision to break her
that was our last morning

my life goals have changed from time to time.
as a child I wanted to be a bus driver
as I grew to find out more I opted to get into law school
a couple years after that, I settled on being on healthcare
a year into that adventure with failed roommates and failed part time jobs
I came home and became the person
the person who wipes grannys **** when no else will
and sings and dances with the crazies because no one else will
that was my dream and my life for a couple of years
now as an adult
a mid twenties adult
I feel forced to know what I’m doing in this life

i find a peace in these lines
with a black colored pen
whether i’m quoting my favorite band
or writing my thought

I CAN
fight these feelings
control those channels
and organize the walls’ panels
and sing my favorite song

all in between these light blue lines
everything turns fine

All I find are worn out lines
Like the ones on your arm
The ones where you shot the most
I am just the same
Only mine are in my head
A blown out track
Where everything goes wrong
Yet we still try
To find some peace
On that empty, broken path
We'll push our plungers
Hoping for something new
Where this time, it will work out

magic mornings here with you
grasping for a piece of grace
fingertips paint the fields
rooting within the ruin

mania means blackouts.
the violent situation
mania.
all the symptoms were there.
short fuse.
irritability.
full blown,
mania.
all of the time.
mania.
i couldn't sleep.

the weight of  your smile
when you look at me
is comparable to the weight
of a thousand bricks.
they'll crash from the top of a building,
and i will discover one day
what the ground felt
when they finally hit.

the light of your eyes
the way they hit mine
they're filled with beauty,
like that of the sunlight
rising at seven am
driving down the highway.
the fog still on the road,
you can see the day begin.
and i realize this could all end,
i'd be perfectly happy
staring into the light
until the end of my days.

Where do you start
when you have no end?
Is this just the beginning,
or are we rounding the bend?

Everything is how it should be
My writings been sparse
My thoughts not so much
My hairs turned coarse
My wardrobe hasn't been clutch
I can't find the time between
Hardship and anxiety
To let you get the best of me
But here I am
Crying over coffee
Because you decided it wasn't me

i would say i’m okay
but in all reality
it’s these nine pills i take a day
four for anxiety
three for a stable shiny mind
and two mg to keep me low

all of these downers
i’m still above
i’m still above that line
that line of feeling fine

all of these downers
that are supposed to keep me stable
and there are still moments
when i feel so unable
to take on the day

all of these downers
would have some on their ***
and i’m here still finding
that my *** is playing in grass

I’m like midwest weather forecast
I’m stuck in summer
I hate the dead of winter
it rains in the spring
overall
fall is the ******* worst