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Do you remember Midwest Weather?
It seems I'm stuck in winter.
Some sunshine skies allowed.
Though the skies are dreary now,
The fiercest is very promising.
In days to come there's a high of 75,
Only a few with an overcast sky.
the way this hat feels
on my head
its such a soft wool
its creating a light pull
on the back of my hair
but in reality
warm are my ears
its a deep shade of violet
the color of royalty
i'll reach that shortly
it's knitted quite tightly
but the pull,
it's kind of light
it works with my outfit
my ex's tye dye t-shirt
with a button up
that just happens to be tribal print
i picked it up
the day after i had stayed
that shirt matches my shoes
i took the laces out not long ago
i felt like it would be a better show
they're more comfy now
that's how this whole room feels
Seahaven and coffee start my morning
After a short night out
Including a blunt ride and showing
Of old memories and current friends
I can't help but to look
Like I'm from the nineties
To people who were adults back then
I slip into my sky high thoughts
About how pretty the sky looks
And how wonderful my cigarettes taste
I block out the people around me but one
She recognizes this but brings me back down
Listening to 90s country
For memory's sake
We blare the radio,
Sing along to the BBQ stain song
I'm not sure what happened in between
This is the best ending I could get
Before I fell asleep
In a nineties sweater
Between three blankets and sheets
With my dog curled at my feet.
there i was
worried
about coming home
to an empty space
filled with two cats
and memories i can’t erase.

i made it home
i was benzo’d out.

i did the dishes
catching myself
from the ***** soap water
repeating the things
distract and relax
that's what the crazies said

here i am, in my head
saying it too
am i crazy
or am i just living dead

so i vacuum
and say it again
i can cope,
panic doesn’t ****


does this make me crazy
that i say these things
to keep me calm
to distract and relax
my mind knowing that
**i’m all alone
your love is like a sweater
without it i’d be cold and bitter
please stay on me
and keep me warm
like you did that one night
when we sat beneath the moonlight
and you told me you’d be staying
here by me, with all my sad stories
the sad stories you’d keep
reminding me of all the hurt they did
you’d said you’d never leave me
and you, you never did
you always had me guessing
if i would leave you
and up in this misery
this misery that i can’t keep
because it just creates all this heat
that i take out on you
when i had too many drinks
and made a fool
and gave you two black eyes
with my fists because
i thought you knew me better
because you were always my sweater
NAG
NAG
She wanted to be numb.
Like the way your skin feels after being so cold.
Like the way a cigarette felt when you've been chain-smoking.
She wanted to be alone.
The way you sit in the bubble bath.
The way you wait for the bus.
She wanted to be gone.
Like the way the moon felt from the earth.
Like the way the dead must feel.
I like it when you kiss my cheek
and my forehead
the tip of my nose
I like your eyes
and when you touch my thigh
when we’re driving down the road
it’s a nice place to be
you next to me.
curled next to you in my bed
is what i'd rather do
instead of lay in bed alone
thinking of things unknown
at least i'd get some rest
knowing that i'm lying next to the best
even if i couldn't
you'd try to sing me to sleep
with your voice i'd love to keep
i picked you up and sang this sweet melody
to you here instead of through the telephone
you my girl deserve a smile
that’s so genuine
it will make all the others cringe
with envy at the thought
of you and me ending up
to be the two best friends
either of us could ever have
I'm just scribbling lines now
Something to occupy my mind
The thoughts that are fowl
They somehow disappear
And there's things I find
When I'm in there
I’m tired of having this conversation
the one with my friends
asking if we’re official
because all I can say
is that we have an agreement
that was a simple okay,
let’s stay like this
I’m tired of my neighbor
requesting to know
“how is your boyfriend? ”
I believe I don’t have permission
to discuss you this way
because we just have our simple okays.
one of a kind
all the same
i detach like a leaf from a branch
i slowly fall with the help of gusts
however i still end up on the same destination
as the leaves that fell before me
i just had a different path
one that was windy
and happened on a rainy day
i wish i had seen the day;
the one where i was over you.
my whole life since seems a play
i wish my mind would be through
especially with the thoughts of you
you come about at the deepest times
tripping on LSD
and your name is one that chimes
my friends tell me let it be
my brain tells me the same
my heart just feels ashamed
to have ever loved so much
i can't cure it with another's touch
i've tried and tried the past year
yet, i still end up in tears
Opened up and vulnerable
There's no turning back now
I fear that I have to be able
My feelings, they just have to allow
All of the past, is just that
The past doesn't last
It's what the future holds
Like the letters of love
Only they're in bold
Outlined in silver slithers
Here I am,
Open and vulnerable
Hoping my soul does not wither
There’s a place on 12th and Hawthorne
and one on 12th and Morrison
I want to take you there
and talk about how I care.
we just have to pay the bus fare

it’s just on the 70…
no where near my Kennedy
we’ll walk a couple blocks
it could be more like five
that’s ok we’ll be at high dive

I hope we do see mo.
she’ll be playing sad love ballads.
if we end up seeing shon
we’ll think he’s the Foo fighters lad
then there could be dan.
he’s still trying to be a man.

we’ll walk a few blocks more
there’s an attraction here
it’s called roadside, dear.
we can have a few beers.

we’ll sit on a lovely swing
and I’ll talk about this thing
I want to take you there.
however I’m just too scared.
It's cold
There's a slight breeze
A puff of smoke
Legs covered in goosebumps
Fingers trembling
A menthol taste
Small conversation in the back
With a rustle of pants fading
A splinter almost caught
Tires drive by
Alone on this bench
Is where'd I'd like to stay
I open up your door
What I see there is a beautiful face looking back at me
Aside from my reflection
I do also see a cherry blossom tree
In its beginning stages
Something we picked out together
And the first thing we decided on
For the outside of our home
Something significant there
How we weren't even together
When we made that trip
Figuring out how to put a tree in an SUV
Now we're here...
I'm looking out your door
You, you're right beside me.
Just like you've never left.
Because you never really did.
nine or ten pills a day
make the best part go away
how does one live a life so dull
when it once used to be full
UPS and downs
broken faces, empty bottles
bed ridden weeks
that were filled with no motivation
but I wish I could keep
some parts of me
Nothing is permanent.
Not here at least.
You all seem temporary.
To me at least.

Everything here lasts.
Everything around me at least.
You all will never leave
My head at least.
I sit in this hospital
For someone else that isn't me
Instead, for someone finally trying to be
The person that's underneath all of those bottles

We thought you'd scream and fight
Instead it was almost like we had reached
Your destination of the beach

As we pulled in you freaked
A little about the record
And what they would think of you
You, black pants and no shoes

Really, though -
Who could not respect
A young man standing tough
In the waiting room of an emergency room
Finally accepting help
waking up to a call
still distant in my dreams
the only thing I felt
was your arm around my waist
stuck on the phone -
listening to someone else's moans
out of respect and familiar bones
listen because I care
and there no longer
another person there
they're in a pinch
and I'm here to help
I'm now their only source
because no one has really felt
the things they've been through
besides me outside of my dreams
You tried rearranging
all of the puzzle pieces.
It didn't turn out so well.
There were holes, gaping.
There were never pleases,
there was my tell.
I should have stopped you,
I would have had to yell.
This was something you felt
you truly needed to do.
So, I watched over the puzzle.
In search of a way to cope,
I only kept hanging onto hope.
Hope that one day you'd see,
the puzzle pieces were always right.
I did not need rearranging,
after all.
I found this in my journal from last August.
Relapse.
It happens over days,
Even though it only seems like one.
There's a steady decline,
A slow moving train.
A step towards isolation,
A step away from civilization.
One missed pill,
Turns into a few.
I skipped a meeting,
Maybe two.
I scratched myself a hole in the shower.
I thought to myself I felt better.
This is the decline,
The step away from stability.
That landed me here.
Here in these grey walls,
Again.
That's when I felt it.
I grabbed the grocery bag.
I looked down because I felt it.
I felt it on my ring finger.
I felt the thick banded symbol.
I felt it on my ring finger,
Even if it was only a second.
It was a second that lasted long.
Longer than the last time I looked into your eyes.
That was all I could see,
Those blue eyes staring back at me.
The same ones that have been washed away.
Away with all of our memories.
I felt them all right there,
At that moment,
I felt everything you'd ever meant to me.
Then the bag moved,
The plastic slipped away,
Just like we have into new worlds.
I started working my life
in a way sarah would like
it send quite misdirected
living a way someone else suggested
but she’s the one I’ve trusted
all throughout thus crazy life
so many turns sometimes the wrong way
she was there not an ear spared
sarah seems to care
when I have every thing to bear
she will listen and not put up a fight
to make me do what’s right
sarah let’s me see
what my decisions have done to me
she always shows me
a new way to try and be
finding a way within my mind
to close out the rest
she makes me find
colleen at her best
I wonder what I look like
To those on the other side
Am i just a lost girl
Or am I wanderlust

I have no goal
For I fear failure
The past has made me
Given me my name

A hurricane happened
Destroying my home
New walls were built
They forgot the door

The thing about walls
They keep me inside
I struggle to find the sun
And to see my friends

Those were things
That kept me alive
Kept my heart
Beating inside

Now I look out windows
More intrigued by the seams
I had it all figured out
Now I'm puzzled

I've lost all hope
To find what I'm looking for
For I do not know
What it is I seek.
Our bodies making music in the sheets,
These are memories we need to keep.
Our whispers echo softly
Into each other's soul
Overlapping and corresponding to each beat
We make music in the sheets.
there will be a time when
showers don't make me think of you
the way you and i would sit
the spout sticking in my spine
and your knees against mine
we would talk about our days
and what made us ****** the most
we would cover each other in bubbles
and let ourselves soak together
you'd make your crooked smile
i'd be flush as could be hiding myself from you
even though it was everything you knew
there will be a time when
i don't think of you.
Writer’s block
But I can’t seem to stop
My thoughts are pungent
Hid within my dungeon
Soul seekers beware
My thoughts could scare
They could take you in
And make you binge
On ideas that are dark
Or maybe light a spark
Thoughts of three
I wish I were free
It’s the worst of times
Their minds never collide
Constant background noise
Can’t seem to hold my poise
My thoughts are violent
Though my words silent
People always tell me, “he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth,”
But how did his mother form a spoon of silver?
Was his mother made of gold,
Placenta made of diamonds?
Perhaps, instead, the doctor placed it
As he placed the eggs with daddy’s *****.
Where is it, then, can I find a silver spoon
To insert into my ******,
Believing my procreation will hold
It locked between her lips as she makes her exit?
Dreary days await,
Between a dying black mother and a teen
Without abortion options,
Between unaffordable housing and
The pricy whole food grocery store,
Between budget draining formula and
Deprecating comments from men without
**** - or kids.
So, tell me, then where is my silver spoon?
How can I put it inside,
Store it away to upcycle into education?
But it sure would be nice
Not to walk down to the corner pawn shop
And request an education - her education.
I’m not asking for a handout,
Because look where we are, drowning
Amongst failed startups in
Pursuit of the American Dream.
I’m asking for simple decency,
And for you to share with the future
The very means in which have buried
Your sensibility
To maybe lessen the anxiety
And suicidal rates of a country
Founded on freedom
That is trapped by pharmaceuticals
And the choice of living rich
Or dying broke.
I’m only asking for some decency,
To share your boat with sinking dreamers.
I’m only asking for you to plant a seed.
I can do the watering.

I’m only asking for a little bit of decency.
something so simple
is what this seems to be
i'd like to write about it
but i'm not angry with thee
in fact i'm quite content
sitting in this chair
knowing how you care
hoping you still have things to share
i'm safely taking caution
to not go off the deep end
staying safe with you on dry land
seems the best option
at least for now, you see
i don't want this to end
end at all, or dramatically
i'd like us to keep dancing
and keep it all so simple
but there's a problem i find
getting lost in those blue eyes
i've never met any of your kind
i'm slowly sinking into you
you are so appealing
as human being
you're nothing i've ever seen
that there frightens me
afraid i'll fall into a slumber
and you'll leave and i'll be a ******
but as you sink i float on
we’ll separate like dew on grass the
need to settle in the ground appears
to me, not to you having yet to
learn with simplicity comes strength
to overcome a raging past to
live again freely
with sadness in your eyes and the
most fragile mind i have experienced
of course you fly away
the remnants of your story just
pieces to the puzzle you wished were
missing lost in the woodwork
The skies are grey
The curtains blue
bed sheets white
and scrub sets seal
no phone, no tv
no outside for me

i’m in four walls
where it’s actually
the safest place to be
In this bed of slumber
All I think of is the ******
What life's course left me with
Something so unseen.
Something that I need.
This place of mine is contradictory.
Full of the intended okays..
Filled with unintentional should haves..
It's something I see daily
Yet I deal with it so fragilely
I thought we were simple,
and I thought we were capable.
I thought we could work,
but I feel like a ****.
I thought I could be,
that girl you would marry.
Now, here, I don’t even want to be.
I don’t want to be the one
holding your hand
and saying it’s okay.
I’d rather fight my demons
on my own
in my solitude.
Some nights
Its great to write
Long stories that are bright
Today is not
Tonight is filled
With thoughts that could ****
Hopefully it only lasts until
Tomorrow comes
With rays of sun
To dry up the mud
Days are filled with you
My nights are haunted by you
However it's not you I seek
It's myself, not so meek
I'm trying to find that time
When I was more confident
And just a little less bent
I'm looking for a sign
One that means I'm not blind
Though that is hard
I've been dealt these cards
A king and queen of different suits
A signal to a life unknown
One filled with ups and downs
One where you were a part of
It wasn't all you
Like my head says
I made myself work
Even with all the quirks
So I'll find myself again
I'm somewhere around this bend
Here I am again
Stuck in between
Stability and losing my mind
I don't know what is best
Usually it's less
Than what's happening behind the scenes
I wish I didn't find you so keen
It'd make this easier
But I'd end up sleazier
That's something I don't want
Even though sometimes I have that front
I want what's best
I'm told that I should take rest
From all these guys
That want a piece of pie
I know that much is what's really best.
Taking time to find stability
In your arms I find that capability.
this is where it starts,
deep within my heart.
it tears from within,
my body feeling the wind.
it escapes through my mouth,
swearing, "I have this all figured out."
it's a creator of emotion,
my mind's becoming an ocean.
i pray this doesn't have to be,
my thoughts destroying me.
it becomes a hurricane,
my attempts are now vain.
it's wind is now crippling,
my body starts shriveling.
the words finally escape,
"this cannot be fixed with tape."
the ocean in my head is empty,
though the waters are testy.
i've lost all faith in god,
my hope now lies abroad.
i see an island near the sunset,
my heart will place this bet.
Suddenly, there was sun.
I wanted to bask in it,
To take it all in.
The rays touched  me,
Talked to me ways
People around couldn't.
I couldn't put on sunscreen,
The way this feels -
Enriching and enlightening -
I would never put a mask
Between it and I.
there’s a place
where the sun meets sea -
that’s where we used to be.
now we’re somewhere
Here.
you’re having this strange fear
& I’m calling someone else dear.
I’m playing in this sand,
you’re stuck on the land.
i did my affirmations and found i am open minded
and i tried to look myself in the eye and found i couldn’t
i could only see my features,
my cheek bones mostly.
and the corners of my lips.
that slight point.
of looking myself in the eye
seemed so **** difficult..
no wonder i did it without saying anything
and i caught my lip’s points fall.
I’m like the Midwest weather forecast.
I’m stuck in summer.
I hate the dead of winter.
It rains in the spring.
Overall,
fall is the ******* worst.
It’s autumn's curse.
All I see are dead leaves,
falling to the floor.
Piled in the corners,
they’re sticking to my rake.
It’s kind of overwhelming.
I really cannot focus,
when all these leaves are here.
I wish I could switch gears,
to get rid of all this fear.
The leaves they're flying instead of falling.
I guess this is the part that's beautiful,
the magical somewhere in between.
Perhaps falling isn't
the ******* worst.
It’s that special time between
the winter and autumn,
when it’s sometimes snowing,
and there’s no sunshine
to come leaking through.
The clouds are thick at this time.
I wrote five short poems over the course of the months April 2015 to February  2016. This is what I put together in chronological order.
I'll write about the girl who looked elegantly out of the beat up car's window. She has flash that has turned porcelain. She had a mind more brilliant than others. The porcelain girl has courage like her flesh version didn't. The porcelain girl is here in place of the felsh. The girl in flesh is laid elegantly under the trees she watched pass by.
I miss you the most
when I've lost myself
when I need to be reminded
of who I used to be

I miss you the most
when I sit at home, alone
when I used to be sitting with you
taking care of you

I miss you the most
when I start something new
when all of the same emotions come
I fear they won't last

I miss you the most
when I need somewhere to lean
when I'm down and out
you'd set me straight

I miss you the most
when I need to be reminded
when I need to find me again
I miss me the most
I am getting frustrated
at the sight of all these sick people
running around and blowing
their nose with nothing but the air
these women behind the desk
they don’t really seem to care
they just nod their head -
forget to take the insurance card
they tell you to sit
patiently
well how am I supposed to wait behind
these people without giving a ****
if I’m late or if I’ll be on time
that’s all I can really think
when I stare at this sick girl
I do care you see
but I work for a company
one that is a corporation and
I truly feel disposable
like the generic paper towels
that won’t absorb anything
I’m just one of many -
not making the company anymore money
while I sit and wait
behind all these sick people
when all I need is five minutes of your time
to stick a needle in my arm to
tell me that I’m not overdosing.
These are the days she fears the most.
When she wakes in the morning,
there's something askew.
She will try and get out,
out of her warm, soft blankets
before the buzzing of her phone
reminds her that she must work.
These days, though, she'll fail,
and stay cocooned until ten minutes
before she has to make the short journey.
She'll normally crawl out of bed,
pour a hot cup of coffee with one sugar,
drink it slowly while inhaling
her first nicotine fix for the day.
These days, though, she ran out the door,
coffee in hand, and didn't light the first cigarette
until she was already on the main road
to the hell hole she was employed at.
Usually, by now, her mood will have changed.
However, these days it just seemed to get worse.
Stuck between broiler and fryer,
she sat with chalky vinyl gloves
scrubbing the dirt and grease away.
She would think to herself,
"Haven't I done this before, to myself?"
These were the days she hated most.
When her co-workers ask,
"You're not your normal self?"
"How am I to be normal when I am
stuck here with people much better?"
She should know better, by now,
to not think this way,
but everything today was pointing
towards the barrel of a gun.
She finished her shift, eight minutes late,
ran to her car to be saved by the grace,
the grace of her car and a warm voice on the phone.
This day was finally getting better,
but then she walked in the door
where it was do this, do that,
screams here, screams there,
crying here, crying there.
These days, everything just got worse.
She finally mustered up enough anxiety
to tell everyone she needed some space,
so she took her best friend,
on four doppy long legs he stood,
for a short walk around the block.
She was finally clearing her head
of the overdosing thoughts,
when her ****** nosey neighbor,
stepped out onto her walk,
making conversation uncomfortable,
after five minutes she got on her way.
This girl finally decided
that it may be time for another cancer stick,
to wash some of the nerves away.
Once back around, she still was on edge,
pretty typical of these days, at least.
She went to her room,
and made yet another phone call,
to the same one as earlier,
it helped a bit more this time through,
until children came into the picture.
Normally, this would be fine,
even liked, but these days,
No.
No one was allowed inside this girl's head,
for these were the days she feared most.
Options whirling as the past creeps upward
All the heavy desires and life long infatuations
exhausted the present's daunting boundaries.
To drive in this tornado, I could surely find the answer to
alter perceptions: a bottle of this, or that, a conversation
my mind disappears in. An alternate
reality that doesn't reside here, a reminder that
disease exists, the slab of stone this dream
is standing on, right beside the pedestals we
only kept each other on. The lonely words of gratitude
spreading smiles across our faces, pushing past platonic.

It's pulsing through my veins, fearing excitement is
about to turn to hesitation when my lips begin
to touch yours. Crumbling in the arena before we
get the chance to dance behind closed doors.
The lights begin to dim, flickering with rage.
Last but not least, please tell me one more time
of the thoughts you hear. Will you be defeated with
me?
Golden shovel, pulled from The Well, song by Johnny Neiman
Jan 2020
I got myself here
So why is it so hard to get back
Back to the days without medication
Back to the days I was happy
I get myself here
Doing things I sweared I never would.
They just come back and haunt me
Wanting me to do it again
This poem is a mess
And so am I
I'm in shambles over all of this
I'm on a fine line.
This is a poem
about love
and how sometimes
it fits like a glove.

I wrote this poem
on a cold and eventful night.
I was driving the whole time,
you were in hindsight.

This poem will tell you how
I wanted to say it back,
but I couldn't find the words,
that's a skill I lack.

This poem is a story
of how you said you love me.
You had wrote a song,
that I read four times briefly.

This poem is payback,
for all the sweet things you wrote.
While your brown eyes wandered
mine were stuck on the last note.

I'm writing you a poem again,
trying to tell you I can't forget
the way your scent lingers
and the way my lip was bit.

This will be a lengthy poem.
You're worth the hour drive,
I knew it the first night,
you make me feel alive.

This poem is about you
and all the tiny things you do,
from the way you laugh
and the way speak Korean, too.

This poem is about respect
about how you've come so far
when I've seen others fall
you're passing the bar.

This poem is supposed to show you
that I feel those words, too.
I can't forget your hand on my thigh,
if it were another's I'd want to sue.

This poem is about the future,
in case one day it needs referenced
because what is love
if one day we're not ******

This poem won't be the last one,
we're still at the start,
even though I don't know how you did it
you've already won my heart

I really like this poem,
for it is about you and me,
all those tiny things we spoke of
and what I want us to be.
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