Words fly on the whims
Of the tongue that speaks them
Like the flow of the wind that
Sways air to and fro
The air itself not as harmful as the
Wind that guides it and yet
The combination is the what carries
The perpetrators' knife through its victim

And there is no fault to the air
For the air did not create itself
And there is no fault to the winds
For the winds did not create itself
And their is no fault at all
Merely cause and effect;
The heart feels as it does
And morals sway with the wind.

Like an iceberg floating
I float in water
Like an iceberg floating
I'm weighed down by weight on my shoulders
And if I could lift them I would
And I did and
I wish that I didn't
As I float
Frozen

And I wish to flow freely
As the water does around me
And I wish to flow warmly
Coolly
Unrestrictedly
And I wish
I wish for so much
But I'm frozen in place
And all these years have passed by
And I've just hit the tip of the iceberg
And I still struggle with all that
Under the surface that I can't seem to see

And as it all resurfaces
And the weight returns in force tenfold
And I clutch at my chest
Turbulent
Clawing
Unstable
To hit into another iceberg
To feel the jarring vibrations
It's overwhelming
One cannot heal from such impactful encounters
To feel these feelings again...

You wouldn't want to.

And as I float by
Like an iceberg floating
I hold the weight of jarring vibrations
And like an iceberg floating
What's to keep me from breaking apart
Should I encounter these feelings again.

My heart begins to beat again.
And I'm afraid of
What that means for me;
My heart is still empty
My mind still recovering.
All these different feelings
Rushing back into me,
The world in front of me almost
Unchanged
Increasing in vibrancy.

The people have not changed
And my feelings for them have not changed
And yet
What is the meaning of these
Resurfacing feelings?

Take me away...
Before I am swept away
Again.

Survive
Breathe
Time jump
Static
Noon to eve
Deliberate breaths
Resurfaced wounds
Never healed
Empty time passed
Endlessly
Scene after scene
Escaping my surroundings
And hiding in the foreign

Swimming in the waters
That were once thick
Breathing ocean air comfortably
Heart beat no longer quick
Floating in these waters
As I have never done before
Relaxing my mind from
All that was once ashore
Beneath me
Above me
Around me
No longer there
Except for the waves that sway
And give to the passing of my limbs
Except for the blue skies that reach
To pass into the ocean
Except for the sun that shines from a distance...
And maybe I can feel it's warmth again

Be nothing
Feel nothing
Hear nothing
See nothing
Static
Cut.

Rock the boat,
  I'm fine
Little waves won't hurt me.

Rock the boat
    I'm fine;
What are a few more,
  I can handle it.

Rock the boat
       I'm fine
   I'm fine...
I can handle it

Rocking
    rocking
   rocking
         rocking
      To and fro
                Overflow-
                      Underwater,­ can't breathe--
               Overhauled, overstretched
             Inhale
          Deep breath
I'm fine...

Surreal
Is the voice that
Is speaking
Mine but not
Mine
I can hear it
Too clearly as if I'm
Listening to a recording
What am I saying?
What's the point

I hear my voice
The voice I speak
Are my words meaningful?
What am I saying?
I speak to be understood
And yet it's always about
Winning.

From speaking
To almost losing the end
Of my words to
Resigning myself
To what is,
My voice is always lost
Lost to their ears
Lost to my will
Lost to the body I was given.

I hear my voice and I
Don't want to.
I don't want to hear it
Not when the people
Around me also hear it
And yet refuse to
Think about my voice
My words.
I don't want to hear it

I don't want to hear my voice
Because it is what I don't want
I don't want to hear that I've
Given up

Shadows are similar to light
Yet so different...

Empty space
Devoid of life
Bare no warmth
Provide no colour
Instead, a lack of visuality.

Shadows loom and recede.
Loom and recede.
Loom... and yet are motionless.

Shadows... they linger.
They leave marks.
Or rather,
They leave no visible marks.
They seep into our bodies
Being intemperate
They dissolve the warmth out of our bodies
Slowly slowly... so that it is almost ****** out.

Shadows...
What word best to describe it other than
Non-existent.

Eroding,
My heart is eroding inside
Whether it be you
Or me
Or a culmination of
The hidden thoughts inside
I don't want this
And yet I can't seem to get myself
To move from the scraping
Gushing feelings inside
I don't see a future
And I don't want there to be
A future inside
I just want it all to end
I don't get it...
Outside or inside,
My heart never finds
A place it wishes to reside.

You know, when you witness a car crash in full motion,
It's abruptness shakes you out of your core,
Because when cars crash on the news you only see the commotion,
Not the fragility of the moving bodies which you would never have accounted for.

You witness the horrible instantaneous compression of the car's crumple zone,
Not shown in the news reports which you usually seem to know.

You hear a sudden shriek that cries for your attention,
Not heard of in the news reports which don't describe the dreadful throe.

You feel a sudden atmosphere of sharp confusion,
Conflicting with any atmosphere you previously used to know.

The disparity of these situations is quite familiar, you know,
Something not unheard of, as many of us know,
Like the sudden moments we're frozen in time trying to start forward again,
After colliding, breaking our hopes and dreams, confused as to how to move forward again.

Goodbye
Goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Goodbye       ...
Or so I thought I could say
Shout and scream
At your back
That stands closeby...
But it's so close
I could reach out
And touch your shoulder;
I could turn you around...
'Goodbye'
A word that is used a time too many
Too many to really signify
An end.
But in the time it takes
My tone to reach it-
Til then-
Goodbye

Dragged and drawn...
Out
Tired and resisting sleep
Eyes barely open,
Mind barely present

A cage is not a cage because of its bars
Or the space that it provides
Or the bed that it allows
A cage is a cage because it
Turns life pointless
Holds life in its claws and
Never lands
Falling with no end
Screaming in a vacuum
Unheard
Shackled to a life that disregards
Your life

Breathing never felt as it used to

My clothes flow around me
As I sit down on wet ice
Gone is the cold
For the cold is what
I've blended into,
What I discovered was
Frozen with the words
Left unspoken
Swirling in my
Buzzing mind
I'd open my mouth
But I don't find it in me
To care to speak to anyone
For the warmth I saw has
Dwindled
And this cold I am sat in
I trust to remain frozen
Even if fragile
And the cold has always been a comfort
Always been the sink to my turmoil
So how much could it hurt to
Let the little warmth I once
Depended upon
Dissipate away

One more thing
Before I lay my head to rest,
I must say
Hoping that my last words
Won't need to be repeated
And my essence unfelt;

A hole has manifested
In my sincerity
And no person has been
Left unaffected.

Many times I mention
My lack of drive and
Inability
To passionately
Reach for the moon
However...
My words as if delirious
Wander unintercepted
Into the horizon.

Of course in your insincerity
I slowly cared less and less,
But unable to be resilient
The hurt bore a hole
Pierced my soul
And left my energy
Diffusing low
Into the deep...

Darkness
Drawn apart
Awakened
In my end.

And in the darkness
There is nothing to
Let the light flourish again.

If I could paint the skies
I would paint it with the links of my mind
I would paint it with cyans and magentas and limes
Reds and oranges and yellows
Blacks and greys and white
All sorts of colours
I would paint it with sorrow and happiness alike
I would paint it with the voice of my soul alight
I would paint the sky with my emptiness...
And the result
Would be the same night sky I see.
Stars shining bright
No hint of any other colour but
The midnight painted with white spots.
Galaxies invisible
Shooting stars veiled
The moon irrepressible
The stars afield
Their lights not powerful
But gentle on the eyes
Caressing the soul
Of the weary and tired.

If I could paint the skies...
And if only I could,
I would paint it all colours alike
With a thick paintbrush
Soaked in a water airy as can be...
But, that is,
If only.

On my bed of rocks I lay
Under a roof
Surrounded by walls
I've made myself comfortable
In where I lay
Under covers that warm my body
I live
I breathe
I feel safe
I don't

Awake at night
Under the cover of night
In the warmth of my blankets
And whether I wish to see the moon
"What for?"
It's difficult to leave the warmth
Of the blankets that night after night
Provide me with what my body needs
With what my soul needs
And what it doesn't need

Surrounded by the silent static of my room
Encased in residual superpositioning noise
Wasting away in the lull of audio that is
Always there,
Draining away,
******* at your will to reach forward
Slowing you down...
The silence that I need at night
The comfort of it as it guides me to sleep
Intoxicating

I close my eyes to sleep
In the
Safety of my home
In
My bed
Under a roof
Surrounded by walls
I think to smile
But it doesn't feel pleasurable
Just painful

I sway
Like on a swing
On the brink of sleep
My mind carries me motionless
And when reality calls
It rips me out of my pendulum state
Elevates my heart rate
Claims my restfulness and
Clutches onto the thoughts that I can't seem to lay
And as I slowly pry each clawing finger
Gentle words soothing over
Voices reverberating
The two swirl
Unfurl
Turning to noise
Playing in the background
As I gradually fall back into a cradle
Rocking left to right
And right to left
On the brink
Asleep

Shadows dance...
Until they stop.
And they continue
To frolic before
Darkness strikes and
Suddenly they disappear
One, two, three
Five...
I've lost count
Cascading
All at once,
Night falls and
Come dawn
Light shines on
The missing shadows...

Smile for the you that exists
Smile for the you that smiles
Smile for the life that you live
Smile for the warmth that you share
Smile for your heart
Smile
There isn't a smile that matters if it isn't yours
Your happiness matters
Your wholeness matters
Smile
No one can take that away from you

Land starts off muddy,
Full of nutrients.
There are no tufts of green.
Just the rich soil.

The soil is slowly infected,
Bright green grass spreads on its surface.
The soil loses part of its nutrients.

The grass loses its colour.
The soil begins to dry up.

The soil hardens, filled with cracks.

"If you weren't, you wouldn't be
Our friend."
Blinking
Friend
Silence...
I don't have a response
And maybe that was said
For the lack of a better statement
But I'm not sure if
That sits well with me.

Life is an acquaintance
And everyone lives their own
Truths.
Whether living in isolation or
Going about life
I rarely see you anyways
Barely know you anyways;
That is my truth.

And even if I knew you,
As long as I continue to live
In this ice palace
In this intemperate tar
You're either too far
Or displaced.
I find it hard to feel if
There is an in-between.

And if I still can't seem to
Feel an in-between,
Still feel a hollowness in my
Heart's core
What then?

Relationships...
To me that word
Is the embodiment...
Of Solidity.
Because
Partnership
And Friendship
Are not items to be joked about
To the extent that
The unity between two people
Is almost holy...
To the extent that
Jumping into depths
With a person I barely know
Is overwhelming and suffocating;
that unity...
I would not give away so easily.
For I am a romantic
And for that one person
I give my soul,
my eyes,
my heart...
and my everything.

A person has only one soul in their lifetime.
The soul does not change;
It does not fade,
It does not shine.
However, its world does.

The environment the soul lives in
Is it's body's heart and mind.
Fed by the heart.
Tainted by the mind.
Surrounded by the mind's light.
Surrounded by the heart's warmth.
Naught else can it sense.

Without one, the others flail.
Without the heart, they wander tiredly.
Without the mind, they flutter aimlessly.
Without the soul, they cease to exist.
No base.
No character.

People don't change,
As their soul remains constant.

What compels one to believe
That they must seek permission to feel free
To express themselves openly
When neither does any person own the worlds
Nor do they have any right over you.

And as the soul reacts to the
Colours that you paint it
And as the soul emits a cry of agony
The swirling walls seeping into its body
It reaches out
On a two dimensional plane
Laid bare with the souls of all, strewn
In whatever manner each soul can take
Because each soul has its due
And each soul must use
Whatever it can to survive.

With every note that flows
Every stage that goes
I get closer to an end
Maybe closer to you

Every staccato that unfolds
Overlapping that legato left untold
Moves me closer to an end
A stage ending with you

Every rise
And every fall
I hope
To find you

So used to the idea
Of two different melodies
Starting together instantaneously...
That I so desperately want you

But as the arrangement continues to flow
In a cadence of escalating ostinato
The hope that there is a stretto or
Chord progression... Slowly weakens with the idea of you

So much so that
Every beat resonates within me deeper
And courses through my veins
Almost leaving no space
For you

The pain left in every note that
Brings me closer to the end
Twists you into a syncopation
And I into a ballad of bottomless commiseration

I just...
I pray to God
That my composition ends
In the best quality it could ever be.

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is a leap
Full of laughter
Painless
Light on my heart

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is sped as I land
Back onto earth
Back into my life

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is rebalancing myself
As I try to understand
What it is that I am doing
As I gaze out to the empty horizon

And every step,
Stepping
Towards you...
Is full of worry
Every next step reconsidered
Every next foothold possibly
Disfigured
The uncertainty in each step...?
Whispers and whispers
Of silence
Whispers and whispers
For warmth
Whispers and whispers...

I can't do this anymore.
Stepping closer
And
Getting pulled closer,
And then getting pushed away
Or
Having to step away.
I can't do that.
And please...
Don't force me to do that.
My whole life is made out of
Ice
And if
I have to step away,
I'll break,
Crushed under the ice cold of
My imploding desire and pain
For you.

I can only deal with so much
At once.
I didn't even learn how to
Piece myself together the last time.
I'm frozen all over
And I am depending on your warmth,
So please,
Don't break me
While I stand close by...
I don't want to step away.

I am surrounded by strings.
Strings I can see
And strings that I can't see
Strings that require effort
To reach
And strings that require
No effort at all.

As I lay,
In this woven world,
I hope to chance upon
The string I desire.
But is such a thing possible?
Or do I have to make my own?
How much strength do I need to achieve it?
...
What sort of strength do I need?

As I lay wasted,
Staring at the interlocked strings above,
I struggle to comprehend
What effort is needed
To reach the string I yearn
For so many strands
Interlock to form
One string
And one strand
Changes the string completely.

Body submerged
Black ink swirls into clear water
For every inhale
The world recedes slowly
A price paid
Purchased unknowingly
Used unthinkingly
Moments of awareness
Feel unaware
Movements sluggish
I'm tired
More than not wanting to live
More so not knowing what living means
What living feels like
The air that I inhaled
Feels unsatisfying
The need for more becomes
A question of worth

Wouldn't it be lovely
To lose yourself
Wouldn't it be lovely
If the world turned dark.
Wouldn't it be lovely
If all felt void
Wouldn't it be lovely
If I breathed no more.

Too tired to argue
With thoughts that float closeby
Too tired.

And if I don't fit your standards
Then, you have to paint
A standard on me?
The world is your canvas
And so you smile at what you
Want to see?
I love you guys
That's as clear as can be
Love us in your standard
And in the moonlight
Let the glowing soul leave.
You've made your shells,
Why do you need their cores?
Acting like they're free...

Am I an anomaly?
Too tired to tell.
I don't want to take the time
To explain who I am.
Not every single time.
Easier to say goodbye but
I'm flying high
Too fast for me to.
Too tired.
Just let me be me.

My journey towards content
Fluctuates endlessly
Above and below
The surface of my sanity.
Rising
Sinking
Rising
With the tide
Melting
Freezing
In and out
Of consciousness;
Where I belong
Is a foreign feeling,
Its happiness short lasted.
Is it better to be freezing
Or is it better to melt and trust
That I will rise.

And apparently
I give the illusion of successful equilibrity
Sigh
Spheres of air escape me

My wrists are tied to individual ropes
The ropes are taut and hold up my body
My head lays limp...
My legs hang swaying...
And my eyes are beginning to lose sight.
The ropes keep getting reeled in
And my arms...
My arms are slowly losing sense
Slowly losing sense...
As they are
Slowly
Ripped
Off and out of my
Torso.


But I don't scream.
As my arms are stretched further away
Further away
From my heart and my brain
I don't scream.
As my heart becomes numb and my mind slowly loses its voice.
I don't scream.
As my ears become powerless.
I
Don't
Scream...
I
Don't....
Scream
But...
But I whisper...
And each word echoes off of the cool grey cobblestones that rise over me
No person hears my whispers...
Not anymore.
No person can see me..
Not anymore.
And slowly... slowly...
I am forgotten,
As my arms begin to lose their cohesion
And my joints begin to dislocate...
And my eyes become blind.
And my ears become deaf.
And my heart and mind stop.

My arms are final ripped off of my body.
My body falls
Through the air...
And remains,
In a state of falling...

One step away
Two feet at bay
Three thoughts sway
Dangling
In my gaze.
A door certain,
The distance short,
Viscosity of air
Uncertain.

With all the steps
That have pulled me
Here,
And with all the
Inter-flows of life curving
My path
Left and right,
I have come,
Oh expectant One.

Thank you
To all.

My gaze loses focus
But remains on one.
There is no handle.
The door is yet to open.

Thank you
For recentering my gaze
Each and every time.

Whether it be the flow
Beneath my feet,
By my arms or,
In my mind and heart,
I...

Thank you

I, a wistful soul,
Have always been
On the verge of you.
Each push and pull
Of the flow of tide
Almost pushing me through
And yet
Here I am.

Thank you

My body lays
Sensing the flows
Eyes closed
Thinking about
The One who expects me
Beyond the door.

We're born mewling
Clawing
Finding
A world awaits us.

We finally stand
Bawling with a toy in hand
Striving for more people
Connected by a strand

We approach a land of darkness
Tearing because nobody understands
And yet silently screaming for a hand
Breaking strings and braiding bands

We stumble into the murky oceans
Crying little rivers to join one's surroundings
The ocean swallows our screams
And decides who sees our weakness

We are washed ashore and begin to dry up
The tears slowly evaporate out of oneself
Laying limp, hoping to be found
Struggling to stand up and find warmth

We find a path that leads to warmth
The tears guiding us along the way
We have seen the warmth that we yearn
And have chosen the what we breathe for

We shrink back away from the world
A wistful smile catching the rolling memories
And we stare out into the distance
Wishing for a world that awaits us.

Cavities
Rot in teeth?
Not the hole that was
Eventually going to form anyways
Rotting
Life slowly decays?
Or was it that life slowly
Fades out in a way that isn't fully understood
Life
Ending?
What's in it but
Illusions basing our Perceptions
Life...
A choice?
Life
Away
Life
Cold and warm
Life
Values recycling until
Hurt becomes day- to- day

The waters lap around you
As if a centrepoint
Pulling all to surround you
When you are but merely
Just there.

You pull in tides and waves
Caressing and slamming into your
So called silhouette
That isn't even there.

You dally in that one spot
And when it pleases you
You vanish
As if you were only air.

And maybe you were...
And the water was just attempting
To fill in a spot
Of the moon's desirous rare;
Tumultuous silence

And once you make it known
That you are no longer there
The waters crush the air
Slam the grounds
And loses its tidal direction.
But it never comes close to
Your spot.
Not by an inch or a hair.

Just in case
You come back
Or could still
Be there.

I stare into the clouded night sky
That shines the light of the sun on the clouds
Via the moon that orbits the Earth
Continuously
Round and round
Held in by
Just the right amount
Of gravity.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.

I am the moon
That moves on continuously
Seeking something more
But spending time frivolously.
Not moving forward
Or backward
But
Riding a course almost effortlessly
Weighing the balance of my course
On the moment and not
Resisting the force of the Earth.

I am the Earth
Attracting nothing useful to myself
Losing my health exponentially
My skin scars grow deeper
With the pollution of the bacteria
Ever multiplying
Not even their deaths diminishing
The pain of my barrier being torn
By my internal conflict
And I...
Just float.
Orbiting a greater body than I.

I am the sun
Feeling not the heat that is embedded
Within me
I question
If I can really feel anymore
Even though my skin is warm
My core still fusing,
Beating,
Emotions clashing within me
So much so that my body
Distances its core
From the surface
And I forget to worry
If...
I expand so far
And then collapse
Into myself
And become a void
******* in emotions
Numbly
Because I lost what was left of me.

I am the universe
Full of mystery
Full of dark shades
And galaxies plenty
Many planets,
Stars and satellites
That whirl and whirl
Into sight
Or disappear in a black hole.
I am the universe
That continues to expand
Stretching
Straining
Out of hand
Continuing on
Because I can
And this universe
This body is not mine
I cannot end it
At least,
It has not expended enough
To implode
Nor do I want it to
By the will that subconsciously
Remains within me.

I want to be treated gently
And yet valuably at the same time.
I want to be in your embrace
And yet sharing my hugs when you're not fine.
I'd give.... To build that value,
A value I cannot find...
For love is a construct
In a society that views construct as wine;
Bought, spent, intoxicating...
Not a feeling developed over time,
Not a feeling of mutual respect,
Not a feeling learning and value...

And I do want love,
But not in a society like mine...

Touch and wither
Your presence bitter
Nothing said yet
Nothing spoken changed.

Beauty once loved
Beauty now tainted
Warmth once thoughtless
Warmth now questionable.

Life is given
Life isn't free
Existence is given
Will isn't free

I hold love and yet
I repel love
I hold pain and yet
I am numb to pain
I can stand time
And yet...
I cannot seem to stand
Time...
Time is but a commodity
And yet I still feel at loss
Pushing forward against the axis of time
Pain equaling the progression of time
So that my pain never decreases and suffers
At a gradient of forced positivity
Or is it really forced?
To live in a state of both pain and positivity?
Is it really forced?
To fear death and yet also infinity
Is it really forced?
When you can see all that which surrounds you
As if blessings hide and yet are plain to sight

But to live through that all brings about confusion
You continue to move forward without falter and yet
You find yourself in seclusion
Not wanting to be found and yet
Seeking warmth til delusion
Finding comfort in the painful cold
And yet begging for the warmth of a human.

Time is but a commodity,
And yet man cannot compare,
They fall weak to its clutches,
And lose to despair.
Take a hint and do not try to live in seclusion
Because one can only take so much pain.

That fire
I built it
I built it and I didn't even
Know
This ice palace I
Built it and
I didn't even realise
This tar that's draining me
It's me
It's all me

My heart's deepest core
Isn't empty
Like I thought it was
It was frozen
Now that it's thawing
It's starting to hurt again
Like it did five or
Six years ago
It's not empty but
Like frostbite my heart is
Trying to regain its proper self
Animalistic
Live
Call me by your vein
Your blood
Let it run unimpeded
Your heart needs to thaw
Before it can begin to
Thrive again

Tired...
That's all I can say...
As I stare at nothing in particular everyday,
I mean won't it just ever go away?
Won't it just leave?
Won't it realise it's destroyed me enough?
Won't it just allow me to relieve?
Relieve all the wounds
From the poison flowing out,
The poison only continuing to sprout,
Disallowing the gashes to seal up again,
Draining the blood out of me to gain,
A sense of wholeness once more,
But I feel that I know that I will forever lay sore...
forevermore.

You're on my mind
You're on my mind
Taking my time
And draining my sight
What I would do to forget you
And move on
Past your indifference to my plight

And I'll never forgive you
For what you've caused
Because I don't believe you'll ever
Come to care
And I'll never forgive you
Because look at you continuing on your way
Leaving me to my disrepair

My eyes are left distantly staring
You aren't who you claim yourself to be
Oh how I wish you'd be rid from my life
Oh how you tarnish my memory

And I should have seen it coming,
Your mother of the same tongue;
How she would have whispered throughout your upbringing,
How she would raise you to be a spineless snake
Oh how I wish you shut your mouth
Rid the world of your poison
- and you had a chance,  you had a chance
Had the chance to open your mouth,
Why couldn't you save me the heartache
And leave me with a sane memory of the youth I had

Twisted traitorous tormentful tactless two-face
Oh how I wish you'd opened your mouth sooner
Saved me my time
And let me leave sooner
You had your chance, but you chose to lead me on
And then ****** your nonsense over me
As if I was the treachery
Oh how I wish you could hear yourself
Oh how I wish you could process a single syllable's worth of weight of the words you said
And yet what should I expect;
Brain attached at the spine, and so missing by genetic defect

And oh how I'm left with your words
Left with everything you said
I hope you're happy,
As much as my wish to see you again

I spread my wings to fly,
Singing to fly,
Wishing to fly,
To be free of imprisonment,
Free of this environment.

I spread my wings to fly,
Beginning to fly,
Grinning to fly,
Hoping for a new world,
A new world of hope.

I spread my wings to fly,
To fly up and high,
Not feeling a sigh,
Escaping my lips.
Not thinking this was another painted fib.

I spread my wings to fly,
Now realising the true colours of the sky,
A beautiful elegant blue,
Not just full of life,
But full of stinging frosts and shrieking swords...

I spread my wings to fly,
But am I really flying?
Am I really flying if I am as I was before?
I spread my wings to fly,
But in reality... I never even left the earth.

Accusations are made by the entitled
And for my blood, I react unbridled
Honest, to a fault
For my sadness is too much
My happiness overboard
And my silence uncalled.
I feel no fault in the way my heart tears
Yearns
Recedes
Flowing out uninhibited,
Like blood in my veins

And I'll cry if I couldn't sleep
I'll laugh at a book I read
Hold back my words because, how much will they mean?
How much will you see of me
Feel of me
Stand by me
Hear, when I speak?

And so I choose to feel
Feel for myself whose feelings remain in one body
Feel for big and small, all that I want, no more
For my cup full, slightly tipped, and it'll spill

Steps echo in the distance,
Pitter, patter
As I turn my head forward, leaving
Accustomed to the silence in my wake,
Eyes closed to the path that lays ahead.

Gazing at the floor beneath,
Avoiding my surroundings;
Unnerved,
And yet these surroundings are pounding
At my front door.
I twist the locked **** carelessly
And consistently
Uncaring of my discomfort.
Tiring
Repetitive and yet
Refining.
Lock me out or I'll continue
To open these doors

Silence
At the front door
To which I open again,
Pitter patter
Spinning the threads of
Chaos again.

Tumultuous darkness surrounds me.
It laps around my resting body, standing,
Poised to take whatever step found easy.
Eyes closed.
The sensation of the darkness around me,
It's silence and it's clenching emptiness
Swirling at the chance of stealing another
Position to act as stimuli.

The sensation across my skin muddles my thoughts.
I am who I am.
Eyes closed,
Mind swirling.
Reckless in my environment,
I step,
With the grounds shifting,
I step,
Darkness unceasing;
I step.

If a door passes by,
I open it.
If a hand reaches out,
I pull it.
If ground stops shifting,
I look down at it...
Whether or not the darkness eases,
Unceasingly,
Step

I began to understand what it was to be a sand castle... sure it would have the sun shine upon it... but it's so weak and fragile, each small sand grain trying to hold each other together in one structure. Trying to hold together when gravity is bearing down, the wind is blowing hard and the tide is bearing in... And slowly slowly... every grain of sand begins to separate. Slowly slowly it begins to lose itself...
It was already hard facing so many difficulties but now it has to face a bigger difficulty, having to pull itself back together again. And it isn't hard to pull the pieces gravity separated back to the heart of the structure, no. It's hard to pull together pieces that were taken into the depths of the seas (and not the oceans) and the pieces that were blown to great lengths by the winds... and so when the sand castle finally did pull back together it found pieces of itself missing... not knowing that when it exposed itself whether willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, to such harsh situations... that it would be changed forever.

The roots of trust are entwined in a soil of dependence.
The roots depend on the strength and warmth of the soil to provide nourishment.
Without dependence, trust begins to shrivel and fade,
it's roots slipping out of the loosened hold of the soil,
The plant falling,
lying alone in the cold shadows of the sun's rays.

To try to place it's roots back into soil can decay the plant further,
To try to hold up the plant without soil whilst being surrounded by nourished plants is even greater torture.
Almost any attempt is proven futile.

The only attempt one may make to have the plant to stand again is to find a very special soil.
One that meets the needs of the plants.
Soil that is willing to attend to the plant whenever the plant requires it,
to make sure trust doesn't wither in confusion,
to make sure that trust...
that trust doesn't suffer one time more.