You're on my mind
You're on my mind
Taking my time
And draining my sight
What I would do to forget you
And move on
Past your indifference to my plight

And I'll never forgive you
For what you've caused
Because I don't believe you'll ever
Come to care
And I'll never forgive you
Because look at you continuing on your way
Leaving me to my disrepair

My eyes are left distantly staring
You aren't who you claim yourself to be
Oh how I wish you'd be rid from my life
Oh how you tarnish my memory

And I should have seen it coming,
Your mother of the same tongue;
How she would have whispered throughout your upbringing,
How she would raise you to be a spineless snake
Oh how I wish you shut your mouth
Rid the world of your poison
- and you had a chance,  you had a chance
Had the chance to open your mouth,
Why couldn't you save me the heartache
And leave me with a sane memory of the youth I had

Twisted traitorous tormentful tactless two-face
Oh how I wish you'd opened your mouth sooner
Saved me my time
And let me leave sooner
You had your chance, but you chose to lead me on
And then ****** your nonsense over me
As if I was the treachery
Oh how I wish you could hear yourself
Oh how I wish you could process a single syllable's worth of weight of the words you said
And yet what should I expect;
Brain attached at the spine, and so missing by genetic defect

And oh how I'm left with your words
Left with everything you said
I hope you're happy,
As much as my wish to see you again

I spread my wings to fly,
Singing to fly,
Wishing to fly,
To be free of imprisonment,
Free of this environment.

I spread my wings to fly,
Beginning to fly,
Grinning to fly,
Hoping for a new world,
A new world of hope.

I spread my wings to fly,
To fly up and high,
Not feeling a sigh,
Escaping my lips.
Not thinking this was another painted fib.

I spread my wings to fly,
Now realising the true colours of the sky,
A beautiful elegant blue,
Not just full of life,
But full of stinging frosts and shrieking swords...

I spread my wings to fly,
But am I really flying?
Am I really flying if I am as I was before?
I spread my wings to fly,
But in reality... I never even left the earth.

Accusations are made by the entitled
And for my blood, I react unbridled
Honest, to a fault
For my sadness is too much
My happiness overboard
And my silence uncalled.
I feel no fault in the way my heart tears
Yearns
Recedes
Flowing out uninhibited,
Like blood in my veins

And I'll cry if I couldn't sleep
I'll laugh at a book I read
Hold back my words because, how much will they mean?
How much will you see of me
Feel of me
Stand by me
Hear, when I speak?

And so I choose to feel
Feel for myself whose feelings remain in one body
Feel for big and small, all that I want, no more
For my cup full, slightly tipped, and it'll spill

Steps echo in the distance,
Pitter, patter
As I turn my head forward, leaving
Accustomed to the silence in my wake,
Eyes closed to the path that lays ahead.

Gazing at the floor beneath,
Avoiding my surroundings;
Unnerved,
And yet these surroundings are pounding
At my front door.
I twist the locked **** carelessly
And consistently
Uncaring of my discomfort.
Tiring
Repetitive and yet
Refining.
Lock me out or I'll continue
To open these doors

Silence
At the front door
To which I open again,
Pitter patter
Spinning the threads of
Chaos again.

Tumultuous darkness surrounds me.
It laps around my resting body, standing,
Poised to take whatever step found easy.
Eyes closed.
The sensation of the darkness around me,
It's silence and it's clenching emptiness
Swirling at the chance of stealing another
Position to act as stimuli.

The sensation across my skin muddles my thoughts.
I am who I am.
Eyes closed,
Mind swirling.
Reckless in my environment,
I step,
With the grounds shifting,
I step,
Darkness unceasing;
I step.

If a door passes by,
I open it.
If a hand reaches out,
I pull it.
If ground stops shifting,
I look down at it...
Whether or not the darkness eases,
Unceasingly,
Step

I began to understand what it was to be a sand castle... sure it would have the sun shine upon it... but it's so weak and fragile, each small sand grain trying to hold each other together in one structure. Trying to hold together when gravity is bearing down, the wind is blowing hard and the tide is bearing in... And slowly slowly... every grain of sand begins to separate. Slowly slowly it begins to lose itself...
It was already hard facing so many difficulties but now it has to face a bigger difficulty, having to pull itself back together again. And it isn't hard to pull the pieces gravity separated back to the heart of the structure, no. It's hard to pull together pieces that were taken into the depths of the seas (and not the oceans) and the pieces that were blown to great lengths by the winds... and so when the sand castle finally did pull back together it found pieces of itself missing... not knowing that when it exposed itself whether willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, to such harsh situations... that it would be changed forever.

The roots of trust are entwined in a soil of dependence.
The roots depend on the strength and warmth of the soil to provide nourishment.
Without dependence, trust begins to shrivel and fade,
it's roots slipping out of the loosened hold of the soil,
The plant falling,
lying alone in the cold shadows of the sun's rays.

To try to place it's roots back into soil can decay the plant further,
To try to hold up the plant without soil whilst being surrounded by nourished plants is even greater torture.
Almost any attempt is proven futile.

The only attempt one may make to have the plant to stand again is to find a very special soil.
One that meets the needs of the plants.
Soil that is willing to attend to the plant whenever the plant requires it,
to make sure trust doesn't wither in confusion,
to make sure that trust...
that trust doesn't suffer one time more.

Oh vulnerable me
Shy me
Child within me
I see your desire to be free
Shackled in a far corner I can't seem to see
Showing yourself to those who you like
To those with whom you wish to be
To have a security I can't seem to offer you
A nourishing for which you flee
Starved of the love I do not let you have
Forcing you into a position in which you cannot feel
And maybe,
If I'd let you have that love
You could be
The person you yearn for
But we both know
That's not an option for you and me
And so I lay in my arms,
Silence, my only plea

I lost my voice
Under the sun's radiant shadow
My eyesight warped and stretched
Draining me of my warmth
I lost my hearing
The laughter and voices morphed into a silent ringing...

Angry distasteful stare
Eyes squinted, affronted glare
Dismissive
In all her care, uncaring
Unwanting of any responsibility
Associated with falsehood
'You're unreasonable'
Emanates without being spoken

How can you begin to even think for yourself
Think of the validity of your perspective
When you're caught overwhelmed and mocked
Belittled in what you think is fair
And I'm stuck with that stare
And you without a care

Please puzzle me this,
Words wither whenever
My mouth moves... maybe malpractice?
Message pieced together,
Hoping whomsoever hears - helpless,
In my attempts to untether
Sickly syllables sticking; Speechless
I become, my tongue bitten back like treasure,
Festering feelings funneled, forlornly facetious;
Drowning in all the words I've spoken into forever,
Pleas purporting prosperity, perchance preaches
That if I try just once more, try over an over,
Could comprehension come closer
Between me and anyone leftover
Near me in my attempts to keep myself sane
When no words seem to work, and meaning wanes into this bottomless abyss.

These words that flow
Around my mind,
I try to appreciate,
I try to confide
These words with
My dear ones,
But often they are toxic
And burn
At the corner of my eyes.

These words that flow
Into my ears
Slowly fade into
My love and fears
Melding with the foundations that prop me up
These foundations constantly amalgamating
With the words of the surrounding world.

These words that flow
Into my eyes
Slowly pull me... aside
Deeper into
The darkness of my fears
Slowly into
A cold
Cold abyss.

And where your light shines
I'd hope to smile
But my smile is hidden
In the words
Left unspoken
Floating around my mind
Flowing in the cold of my eyes.

I hate that
Every word you speak
Must be expected for everyone's ears.
They aren't.
They aren't.
So stop going around and twisting words
That you can't comprehend
Stop seeking out words
Who don't feel the same emotions as you.
Just stop.
Not everyone is going to feel the same.
Not everyone attaches the same meaning
To certain words, phrases and sentence structures.
Just stop.
If the sentence was meant for you,
Then the emotion and structure would be there
For you
And if it isn't...

When I was finally able to say
Goodbye
I felt not the need to move my lips or
Move myself to
Utter the words..

Whether or not you are there
I feel not the need to check.
The last I saw,
You lifted your barriers
And that is all I need to know.

You are you
And in the time it took to realise
The permanent distance between us
"Goodbye"
And I would never see you again.

I stand facing my reflection
Gaze acting as a barrier
I would reach forward to reach you
But I hesitate lest you withdraw from my touch
My heart clenched and my eyes hold back
And if I could comfort you, if the warmth of my heart could reach you
We would be one
And yet whisps and words trace their fingers along my mind
Humming a tune my mind and heart fall into step with uneasily
And she strokes my face to will my heart and mind out of the tune
But the tune is continuous, seeded and unwavering

Strings interwoven
Surrounding me
Spacious yet brushing
Against my torso and thighs
Suspended on spun strands years old
I can only
Gently glide my finger tips
Along strings floating by
I cannot hate
Only hurt
An unconditional detachment towards
The way they surround me
I am careful not to cut the intricate plaits, even if I have subconsciously done and continue to do so
For a cut in the lines that hold together
My reality are delicate,
Best understood when each small length is given its value and attention
But I worry;
If my world is strung
Then a lifetime may not be enough
To untwist each weave
To its barest of selfs
And then twist together
A new piece that surrounds me
Warmly and peacefully

I'm spent
To this end, my life
I never meant
To this end, my eyes
Opened my soul's descent

And where the wind blows
You shall find me
And where the sea flows
You shall be drowned in me
And where life grows
You shall flourish through me
Beknownst to you
Or not
For I am everywhere

And in the darkness
As I ignore calls to warmth
I open my eyes
Closing in; my life's ascent

Inching forward
Face down
Flat on the ground
On the verge of a coma
The strength in me almost
Lost in the darkness
That has encompassed me

Holding out an arm towards
A light I can't seem to see
Awareness towards the pain
Increases continuously
Alone in the darkness of
My soul's demise
It's corruption pulls blindingly
It's whispers of sloth snaking
Through my veins
And into my finger tips...

My hand is slowly giving way
And so is my will
It probably won't stay
Not after my hand touches the ground
And my veins become still
My eyes permanently blinded
My heart completely darkened
That supposed light...
****** into the darkness.

I open my mouth and
No heads turn
What am I to do
If I can't be heard
Do I level mountains
Or raise waves?

It's not in my nature
It's not my way
I can't help my mellowness
I can't help my gentle sway

I want to be seen
Seen as me
Seen for what I can't show
For what I can't feel
Asking for what I don't have?
What I can't be
I'd rather die
Leave me be

So I hold it all in
The tumult and the fray
How could I ask for help
When when I open my mouth
No heads turn
And I'm left echoing into space

Loud and young
My voice rung
Free in its burdens
Overwhelmed in yearning

Loud and young
My voice blurred
Mixed and buried
In unsettling surroundings, unheard

Silent
Alone
Unmoving
Lost

Whisper scream
Moon for company
Burdens blur simmering
Over clawing emptiness

Slurred speech
Between few
You know
I know you

Like a poor man's stain glass art
Salvaging beauty in broken sentences
What sense would you tell me it would make
To break glass of different colour to make a singular beautiful piece
When that is all I have to work with,
Broken glass
And no glue to piece them

Drawn out silence
The seeker and the sought
What would the power imbalance have been
If the sought could only speak

It's overwhelming
To expect and expect
Only to receive silence
Deemed unworthy of attention
Unworthy of acknowledgement

Silence
What would the conversation have been
Had there been even a single word
Uttered
In response
But silence
And a refusal to reciprocate
Such that should they eventually speak
Their words begin to take on that emptiness
And the void grows larger
And already
The upset begins to lose itself in an endless void
And you're stuck in place

How could you forget
When all around you is that silence, resounding
How could you forget
When all this time your ears desired, awaiting
A response they'd never have.

One side hope
Another despair
One side purpose
Another empty air
How misleading perspective can be
Observing barriers high
Limited to what one can see,
Or rather... what one can believe.

To live a life only witnessing disrepair
Not looking to find a path fair
Leaves one to fall unaware
Into a hole deep full of sorrowful mare.

To live devoid of life
Rejecting happiness for lonely strife
Not seeking the warmth
Of the human hand
Unable to accept such unstable land.
Because...
One's capacity reached,
One's limits breached
Broken,
Bleeds,
Conflicted,
Pleads,
Alone,
Recedes...
In­to darkness.
Darkness is an abode...
Darkness,
No light to pull one's soul
Darkness,
Darkness is unknown
No need to release the burdens one holds
Darkness...
A place for those blind to light,
Unable to feel
The warmth of human beings.

Some live a life of hope,
Others of despair
Unable to see
The ability of repair
How misleading can one's eyes be,
As darkness envelopes one bare
Not showing you the true colours
That the darkness contains...

What am I really inside?
I claim to understand myself
To know why I cry
Why I laugh
Why I lie
And yet...
And yet
Something doesn't sit right with me
Inside...

Maybe I know myself
Maybe I do
And yet
And yet...
The conflict inside me tells me I'm wrong
That I only know my outside
Just like I know of the people around me.

What do I want?
What do I need?

What do I want...
I cannot read deep into myself
What do I need...
I cannot see what twirls in my inner depths
Why can't I...?
Was I ever really meant to be able to read into my dark and lonely depths?
With a character like mine who wishes to live in the light
Can I really see into my darkness?

When you entrust someone with something,
anything,
personal...
What hurts most is
When they use that part of you to strike you,
As if it hadn't hurt you enough already.

When you tell a person something,
anything,
personal...
Expecting them to understand and
Help you
What hurts most is
When they hear it all and don't understand

When you are confused about something,
anything
personal...
Confused so much that it hurts,
And you feel like you need to tell someone,
What hurts most is
Holding it in

What has the potential to hurt most is what you decide for yourself.

Molten
Running
Hardening
Goldens
Welding
Strengthening
Heat emitting
Steaming whistling
Sinking repetitively
Emerging each time
Lacking that youthful glow
Replaced by the reflection
Of my toil given to me
Losing the heat of the moments
Leaving it all behind
It could only last so long
And here I am
Smoothened by the love only I could
Give me

"Forgive me lord for I have sinned
No words forget that I beginned
To seek that which I could not have
To love whom I couldn't
Shouldn't

And my heart yearns"
And my heart learnt
That these feelings were remiss
How could I understand how these feelings
Cause kin to reject one another
Like how Moses parted the seas
And my heart mourns this lack of understanding
Mourns this preference for hatred within
What am I to do, with these feelings of mine
Silenced, to whispers we fling
Immerse ourselves in
And we sow with these words
Enmity long-lived
How could I begin to unravel
That which flows through the minds of many
As if intertwined impossible
Knotted from within

For I cannot cut down these thoughts
Stitch new threads in
And so I choose to let go
And yet hold it all in
Forgive me my Lord
And lay me in your favour
Your mercy holds me safe
Please love me and care for all that is hidden under my flesh and skin

White eagle
bird
vertebrae
sitting on my knee
the only colour
in the circle protruding
around its iris
Eyes intense
Claw certain
Clasping its target
Gaze not on me
My gaze not on it
But a shared attention
In presence

The call of the white bird
Is silent, beak
Never opening
All in the light
Passing between pupils
Shaping the energy
In the surrounding
atmosphere
Gaze not on me
Gaze not on me

Who is it on then?

Determining one's self worth...
Is that really important?
Humans are seen as a pest to Nature
And as such pests to one another.
Is it really important?
To determine such a thing as one's usefulness
And one's importance?

Will it satiate the hunger of one's soul?
Or are you just desperately absorbing
Whatever threads that lay surrounding you?
Do you also know that these threads don't all pull you out?
That some of these threads are detached or will only pull you deeper?
You'll be asking why, but instead
Find yourself ****** into a vacuum
Suffocating soundlessly
Your screams vibrating against your skull
The very air no longer provided to you
On the brink of death
But... you cannot see a thing...

Open your eyes to the air you breathe,
Open your ears to the sounds we see,
Open your mind to the winds that cross the sky,
Reach out and feel the raw need to vie,
Not for money or for power,
Not for unrequited feelings,
Not for what will not return,
But for...

There's always another day
Another rising sun
Breath in
Breath out
Life keeps going on

And the wounds that keep reopening
On my back
Grow throughout the day
And bleed into the night
It's me who has to bend
Into impossible positions to sow it back up
It's me who's left with scars out of sight
Draining me to the last bits of my energy
And yet I can't sleep
Breathe in
Breathe out
Silence is the most peaceful bout
Until you look deeper in
The turmoil swims throughout

I want my wounds to heal
Want my skin to gleam
Want my bones to reconnect
With the wings they never met
Please let me meet you
Let me meet you outside this cage that's supposed to be a comfort

Unsettled heart keeping me up at night
Emotions leaving me raw, overcome
What was once okay lost its security
Who am I and what have I become?

What sacrifices am I making and
Where will these sacrifices take me next?
I'm afraid that they won't understand
I'm afraid of the judgement they'll project

And so the words remain hidden inside.
Whilst people abide by what they should see
The words free to roam, wreak havoc on my mind.
And agree to expel what shouldn't be.

Never afraid of what would never happen
Until I saw what was not to be seen again

I found a carving made of wood
A carving I made and
Never really understood
The shape was awfully made
And yet at the time
Emitted an aura that felt good
The raw quality,
The way light fell on it,
At the time I could only think
The carving was perfect,
The way that it stood.

I found a wood carving that I hid
Away from my mind
So that I could bid
Farewell to the misplaced notches and indents
That surfaced on the carving.
Why did I leave pieces here
And cut off parts there?
What experience did I have in carving
Such an obscene piece?
Of myself, the carving, I would rid
But if only I could
Forget what I did
What I carved
What I was amid
But I cannot

The reason I didn't understand
The decisions I made
Was because
I understood the decisions I made.

Sitting restlessly still
Idly passing time
All these circles I've walked
All these days cycling by
To keep a front of peace
I've constructed all these lies
And if I reach out
To touch a wall
It'd shatter
Who am I lying to
Telling myself
I'm frozen to the core

Each weak breath I breathe, although not warm
Holds the life left within me
Escaping my mouth
The misty vapour condensing
Tracks down the frozen walls and
Drawing my gaze
Freezing once more
And if I touch these frozen droplets
That lie on these walls surrounding me
They'd melt and freeze again
Too used to this cycle of
Lifting walls around me again

Walking in circles
I see where I've lied
What I've chosen as home
And
What I've chosen as life
I've lied to myself
And my eyes continuously search for that which
I deny myself

And the temperature of these walls I understand the most
And the temperature of these walls are what hold me close
Hold me together
All other ways and choices of life lost on me

And I realise
I realise all these lies that I latch onto
Held tightly in my hands
What my arteries and veins pulse for
Upholding a universe under my skin
The desires etched into every strand of DNA
Fading from within
Desiring a warmth out of reach
A warmth never felt

Why is it that we can continue
To look forward
When we can't even see what
Tomorrow looks like or
Who we will be with tomorrow
Or
Whether we lose everything
Tomorrow

I can't find myself putting in the strength
For that tomorrow
Let alone developing a me that'll
Find what I've always needed,
When I never found that my whole life...

What's the use of a tomorrow
If it doesn't equate to anything better
Than today...

The hurt will never die
Rather, just temporarily put off
Whether forgotten
Or numbed,
And in the presence
Of remembrance
And vulnerability
How could one's entity
Fathom experiencing anything
But heart ache
As vivid as yesterday,
Last month
Last year
A lifetimes worth of
Sorrow,
Betrayal,
Hurt and
Withdrawal...
How could one's soul
Forget the pain?

And as time flows on
Like sand falling through my fingers
My skin lines with wrinkles
And your path lingers
Turns away
Our growing shadows hinder
Hold onto our shoulders
Until they pull us down among the cinder
Soil holds us up until it holds us down
And your feet are still here
Stood next to me
But with each breath
With each blink of the eye
We yearn for more than
What's been placed in our hands
And as it all fades away
Returns back to land
I lie in wake
Of what's at hand
I'm still here
How long will you be?

Maybe I'm assuming,
But if it does happen,
Before it happens,
I want to write of
How much I value you.

In your presence,
I do not smile.
I do not vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not mask my boundaries
And make sure to show you
My pain.

But in your presence,
I do not feel the need to force a smile.
I do not feel the need to vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not feel the need to mask my boundaries
And I am that little bit more comfortable
In showing you my pain
In comparison to everyone else.

We do not need to laugh
For me to value you as much as I do.
I value you for you.
For caring while you did
And just, for being you.

And if ever,
I can never not feel the need to
Force a smile,
Vie to keep the conversation alive,
And mask my boundaries,
Then that would be the point,
Where you and I
Would become lost.

Your arms around me
Your hands
Your smile
Kiss to my forehead
Nothing I yearn for like your warmth
Your warmth is what I seek

Our fingers intertwining
Your forehead leaning against my cheek
As we waltz together
Your body is what my arms yearn for
Just like how your arms always encircle me

I want you
And I'm so happy to have you
Thankful to God to have you
And I'll continue to thank God
We are each others

No one else's love brings forth greater emotions for me than yours

You've chosen your path
Oh tyrant
Chosen your path
Oh tyrant
Chosen to birth children into this world
Oh tyrant
Chosen to forsake your responsibilities
Oh tyrant
Your choice
Your choice
Your choice
Only your voice
No other
Can speak
Oh tyrant
Soothsayer not, to those who need it most
Soothsayer to your ego
For whom you crafted a home around you
Oh tyrant
To what benefit do you live?
Dallying in exhaustion
To what effort do you owe?
Oh tyrant
Who can do no wrong
See no wrong
Hear no wrong
Know no wrong...
You are perfect...




Unbirth me

An eternal moment.
Dark,
Suffocating,
Tearing.
Alone.

What echoes in the distance,
Whispers in my ears
And wails outside my window at night,
Is your words.
The words that heaved me up
And threw me down,
The words that drew me in
And drained me out,
The words that stole my soul
And left in me a gaping hole...

Your words...
In which was a broken warmth
So when you opened my heart
And cut my veins,
You were never really close
But far away
Your words twisted and vile
Corrupted my mind
And left me defiled.
Lost...
And tired.

My highest point
Hanging
Abyss below me
Fence fraying above me
And what I'd do to see it hold
When all I can see is the nails
Come loose

The ground I once stood on
Always shook
For me who thought that the
Sides of the fence were not meant
To be joined
And I who came to stand on it
My zenith
Before the floor stopped shaking
And fell away completely

Balance
Only a necessity for those who
Choose an in-between
Time will always run out
Quicker for those
Who try to hold onto
The flimsy fence that separates
Green grass
From even more green grass
One side gone yellow to the other
And one side uprooted to the other

And the fence
That always stood as wood
Aging in splinters and mold
Is still wood
Until it comes free
It is then scraps
For whichever side chooses
What use it is fit for
Because sticks and stones
Will break bones
But sticks cannot repair
Broken strands of bark
Where blades of grass can mend
In the sun

And the fence that sat there
Performed it's duty
Unstable on stable ground
Stability withdrawn smoothly
Cut when not on grounds
Comes loose

Hanging
Fingers locked in place