A beautiful torture, a delicate dance
If I want to even have a chance

Of how much affection to show, what to hold back
I don't know what you think, what feelings you lack
How much of what I think is real
Never knowing how you feel


Every now and then I look into your eyes
I see through the disguise
Other times your body language pushes me away
Keeping me at a distance, waiting in the gray

So I back off, not wanting to say things to soon
Not wanting what we have to lie in ruin
So I dance around the edges
Perouette around the wedges

Your passion shows me the way
For when we're alone, our hearts beat out the rhythm that our flesh moves to in the sway
I'm hoping that one day
Your lips speaks, to what your body already seems to say

Till then it's a beautiful torture, a delicate dance
Watching for the clues, if I even want a chance

Floating on the sea of abnormality
Standing on the bow with so much empathy
And still at the same time watching the skys anxiously
Maybe i am just an abnormality
Because I don't view the world angrily
Even tho what's been inflicted upon me is blasphemy
I see things so very clearly
The fabric of our world is a tapestry
It's woven togeather so perfectly
Only the strongest of us live our time in agony
Those in the abyss view the world so differently
For some of us this is no fantasy
But this doesn't need to be a catastrophe
If you just look at it rationally
In the rabbit hole we learn empathy
While others wander around aimlessly
And on that day we escape gravity
We will be granted amnesty

Waves of sadness keep roll over me
Unshed tears stings my eyes, can't see
Life is looking so grim
It has me standing on the rim

One foot balancing on the razors edge
Other foot over the ledge
Looking down into the silent abyss
Falling forward, leavening behind all of this

That is my sweet hidden dream
Some of you will know what I mean
I'm tired of the waging war, the constant battle
Being herded along like cattle
One catastrophe on top of another
Until they pile up and smother

I can no longer breathe
My anger just seethes
I can no longer be
Will anyone see
I can no longer stand
Please someone take my hand
I'm about to snap
There'll be no coming back

Lost and alone
I can do nothing more than roam
Looking for that illusive place to call home
Where I'm welcome with warm open arms
Tucked away from any harm
But that's a place of fiction, of fantasy
That glorious dream will never become reality
I know how the cards are stacked for me
Always a breath away from catastrophe

There is this bully, he's never very kind
He tries to hurt feelings with weaknesses he THINKS he finds
But he's not even in the same league as mine
In fact he's far behind
He needs to shed his monkey hair, and join us humanoids  
Maybe his anger stems from an over  use of steroids
He thumps his chest, stands up tall
Hoping it will make you look small
He picks and pokes
Trying to provoke

It's a defensive action taken by a simple mind
But I've diagnosed his personality, it has been defined
He knows that I am good, but He wants to be seen as better
All I'm saying is what does it really matter

He thought I was weak, but I've waged to many battles
I'm not afraid of the rusty chains he rattles
Please just crawl back to whatever rock you was under
My feelings you can not pillage and plunder
I will not allow that or listen to your hate filled words
All that comes out of you mouth is **** after ****
So I say so long to you, the bully that you are
I hope the distance between us, remains very far
For I have better use of my time
Than dealing with your ****** up mind

There was a caterpillar that had no friends
She feared she would be alone in the end
She had all, but given in

She stayed in a trees
And hid behind the leaves
Until she ate them, or there was a breeze

She had become so very fat
All the other insects made fun and spat
Out cruel words, she no longer wanted life and that was that

But before she could eat the poison leaf, along flew a hunny bee
"Hunny child you just dont see
That one day your gonna fly like me"

She looked at him in bewilderment
Surly his brain was a little bent
Wings for her would have to be heaven sent

But she decided to hold on a little longer
Just to prove he couldn't be wronger
That bee's words she would often ponder

The other insects still showed their hate
The more they said the more she ate
She knew they was right she'd never find a mate

So she made a cocoon, to hide herself within
So she no longer heard the words that could condemn
What awaited her would be hard to comprehend

The bee seen the cocoon, and sat and waited patiently
He wanted to be the very first to see
At what a beautiful creature she had came to be

When she emerged the sun hurt her eyes
Many a day had gone by
The sun seemed way to bright in the sky

But then she got a look at her wings, they where gray
"Why didn't God paint them, why are they this way"
At the bee in disgust she shouted, "You should of let me die that day"

"But my lovely one, you are now a creature of the night
And will fly by the enchanting moonlight
And see many many wonderful sights"

"Besides my hunny chid they're wings
You can now fly to the heavens and sing
Your point of view will now change on many things"

"God painted your wings gray
So in the bright of day
Against the tree bark you can lay
And safely sleep the day away"

"God only picks the strongest
To prowl in the moon lit darkness
He only picks the bravest
That at night can help with the loneliness"

The Moth bent her head in repentance
She couldn't even finish her sentence
For she realised in that instance
The bee was talking about her transcendence

There was a caterpillar that had no friends
She feared she would be alone in the end
She had all, but given in

She stayed in a trees
And hid behind the leaves
Until she ate them, or there was a breeze

She had become so very fat
All the other insects made fun and spat
Out cruel words, she no longer wanted life and that was that

But before she could eat the poison leaf, along flew a hunny bee
"Hunny child you just dont see
That one day your gonna fly like me"

She looked at him in bewilderment
Surly his brain was a little bent
Wings for her would have to be heaven sent

But she decided to hold on a little longer
Just to prove he couldn't be wronger
That bee's words she would often ponder

The other insects still showed their hate
The more they said the more she ate
She knew they was right she'd never find a mate

So she made a cocoon, to hide herself within
So she no longer heard the words that could condemn
What awaited her would be hard to comprehend

The bee seen the cocoon, and sat and waited patiently
He wanted to be the very first to see
At what a beautiful creature she had came to be

When she emerged the sun hurt her eyes
Many a day had gone by
The sun seemed way to bright in the sky

But then she got a look at her wings, they where gray
"Why didn't God paint them, why are they this way"
At the bee in disgust she shouted, "You should of let me die that day"

"But my lovely one, you are now a creature of the night
And will fly by the enchanting moonlight
And see many many wonderful sights"

"Besides my hunny chid they're wings
You can now fly to the heavens and sing
Your point of view will now change on many things"

"God painted your wings gray
So in the bright of day
Against the tree bark you can lay
And safely sleep the day away"

"God only picks the strongest
To prowl in the moon lit darkness
He only picks the bravest
That at night can help with the loneliness"

The Moth bent her head in repentance
She couldn't even finish her sentence
For she realised in that instance
The bee was talking about her transcendence

A crime buried without justice is never laid to rest
Those that where responsible never addressed

The exploding bombs had chased them to the basments
They thought women and children would be safer in this containment

But these bombs that droped did not explode
It had a much deadlier payload

The gas it trun lose was Sarin by name
This nerve gas played no games

So much heavier than air, it's deadly fingers reached down
Right to where all the women and children could be found

Quit and deadly, they hadn't a prayer
They where all so caught unaware

Until their lungs wouldn't work
Then the muscles twitching and ****

Mothers agonizing screams filled the air
Me and my Children are dying they declared

Bombs delivered the gas
Now families and children twitch in deaths dance

No real hospital for miles
Poorly equipped clinics filled up, people laying in the aisles

Frothing at the mouth, pupils only pinpoints
Death came to many that day, it did not disappoint

The dead laid in rows in clinics, mosques, and streets
Over thirteen hundred the lord had to meet

And as the living took care of the dead, in their graves they lay
Still no one is punished for this crime upon them, not even to this day

He is an addict
Pain on others he never sought to inflict
He was only looking for a way out
And this was just another bout
Of self hatred and doubt

He took the drugs to ease the pain
He took the durgs to ease the strain
He took the drugs to try to stay sane
In he's place I might have done the same

In the midst of all the carnage
You'll find him there spoon and rig
As he cooks it down
A slight quickened breath is the only sound
Eyes wide and bright with the thought of relief
With hurried thoughts of release

He thumps his arm to find the vain
It's the path straight to the brain
With that needle the monsters of the past are slain

But other monsters soon are made
They are just a diffrent shade
For the candle and the spoon
With the needle creates an awful hewn
The tracks are laid
No one can save
There is no way
So I just pray
I'll never turn my back to a friend
Even when his given in

He is an addict
Pain on others he never sought to inflict
He was only looking for a way out
And this was just another bout
Of self hatred and doubt

He took the drugs to ease the pain
He took the durgs to ease the strain
He took the drugs to try to stay sane
In he's place I might have done the same

In the midst of all the carnage
You'll find him there spoon and rig
As he cooks it down
A slight quickened breath is the only sound
Eyes wide and bright with the thought of relief
With hurried thoughts of release

He thumps his arm to find the vein
It's the path straight to the brain
With that needle the monsters of the past are slain

But other monsters soon are made
They are just a diffrent shade
For the candle and the spoon
With the needle creates an awful hewn
The tracks are laid
No one can save
There is no way
So I just pray
I'll never turn my back to a friend
Even when his given in

He is an addict
Pain on others he never sought to inflict
He was only looking for a way out
And this was just another bout
Of self hatred and doubt

He took the drugs to ease the pain
He took the durgs to ease the strain
He took the drugs to try to stay sane
In he's place I might have done the same

In the midst of all the carnage
You'll find him there spoon and rig
As he cooks it down
A slight quickened breath is the only sound
Eyes wide and bright with the thought of relief
With hurried thoughts of release

He thumps his arm to find the vain
It's the path straight to the brain
With that needle the monsters of the past are slain

But other monsters soon are made
They are just a diffrent shade
For the candle and the spoon
With the needle creates an awful hewn
The tracks are laid
No one can save
There is no way
So I just pray
I'll never turn my back to a friend
Even when his given in

Besides the screams and panic
Besides people becoming manic

Was the most haunting of sounds, ever to be heard
Surreal and hysterically absurd
As loved ones try to leave nothing unsaid
Was the continuously ringing cellphones of the dead

©Pauline Russell

Last night I cried myself to sleep
Counting tears instead of sheep
I need a shepherd to guide my feet
Lost out here on this mountain steep
With every memory I just stumble
Trying to climb over my life's rubble

Inside my eyelids is a projection screen
Showing me  things I've lived and seen
Every bad decision I've ever made
All of life's punches, vividly displayed

For young and broken it was true love I craved
Making easy prey for human monsters to enslave
In my youth I was taught the rules
Of how to be the victim of those human ghouls

I'm bleeding out, but none can see
From the head is where I bleed
Memories continually running full throttle
Like lightning caught and sealed in a bottle

Desperately scrambling up the mountain's face
Trying so hard to find my place
In this world, where I'll never belong
Never allowed to sing my song

This little bird will never cheep
For my spirits broke, I'm way to weak
The pain and agony to myself I'll keep
Till my eyes close to that ultimate sleep

©Pauline Russell

There was a girl stuck in the mire and the muck
No one thought of her very much

They used
They abused
They did all they could do
To keep her down in that stew

Yet she forgave
She wouldn't cave
She still put good out
In the mists of her doubt

But she was still shunned
When she become undone
She would leave scars
Her body was marred

But still she pushed on
Hoping she was wrong
That love would shine
But love always left behind
More anger, and wounds
She was leaving soon

And one very lonely day
She decided she couldn't stay
She left her world of gray
She dusted off her wings, and just flew away

He sat all alone at home
There was no where to roam
Even on this holiday
All his family had passed away
His ex-wife and kids where in a different state
There was nothing for him to celebrate
Life had left him with an empty plate
He was trying hard to stay away from deaths gate

He sat there trying to watch on tv some shows
Only commercials of happy families, that's just the way it goes
He set's there reliving happier memories
Then looked around at his empty house of misery

A call from his kids
Sent him into a skid
Made him relive their younger years
He was so glad they couldn't see his tears
He did have a small smile as they talked
But like anything the call to soon came to an end, it stopped

The heart piercing whimper that acrossed his lips seep
Would of made the coldest hearted person weep
He just sat there with eyes red with the pain
Knowing all he had lost, not seeing anything left to gain

The agony of his memories played in his mind
Desperately wishing he could go back in time
So he could fix it all, make it all rhyme
For this mountain of lonely misery, he just couldn't climb

As others enjoy their families, with good food and cheer
You will find him setting there with his cans of beer
Trying to drown his sorrow, amplified by this holiday of thanks giving
Wishing that instead of dying inside, he was living

©Pauline Russell

He sat all alone at home
There was no where to roam
Even on this holiday
All his family had passed away
His ex-wife and kids where in a different state
There was nothing for him to celebrate
Life had left him with an empty plate
He was trying hard to stay away from deaths gate

He sat there trying to watch on tv some shows
Only commercials of happy families, that's just the way it goes
He set's there reliving happier memories
Then looked around at his empty house of misery

A call from his kids
Sent him into a skid
Made him relive their younger years
He was so glad they couldn't see his tears
He did have a small smile as they talked
But like anything the call to soon came to an end, it stopped

The heart piercing whimper that acrossed his lips seep
Would of made the coldest hearted person weep
He just sat there with eyes red with the pain
Knowing all he had lost, not seeing anything left to gain

The agony of his memories played in his mind
Desperately wishing he could go back in time
So he could fix it all, make it all rhyme
For this mountain of lonely misery, he just couldn't climb

As others enjoy their families, with good food and cheer
You will find him setting there with his cans of beer
Trying to drown his sorrow, amplified by this holiday of thanks giving
Wishing that instead of dying inside, he was living

I lost myself so very long ago
Tell me where can a soul go
When your still alive and breathing
While inside I am still grieving
Is there any hope of finding that part of me
I raise my voice to the heavens and plea
Is my soul hiding in the deepest darkest corner
It's been gone so long it feels like a foreigner
Without that piece of me I've just grown cold
How much agony can the human shell hold

I lost myself so very long ago
Tell me where can a soul go
When your still alive and breathing
While inside I am still grieving
Is there any hope of finding that part of me
I raise my voice to the heavens and plea
Is my soul hiding in the deepest darkest corner
It's been gone so long it feels like a foreigner
Without that piece of me I've just grown cold
How much agony can the human shell hold

There once was a man named Jake
He thought he could swim in the crystal clear lake
He striped down to his birthday suit,for heavens sake
The water was so clear everyone could see his little snake
He was embarrassed and started to shake
It felt like a big earth quake
Luckily along came his friend named Drake
That pulled up in his truck and set the hand brake
His friendship to Jake he wouldn't forsake
He wrapped Jake in a towel knowing what was at stake
For you see Jake's snake was an implant, a fake

And that's when Jake became awake

Maybe one day I'll write happy poems people want to read
About sunsets, birds, butterflies, and happy little bees
But I'm pertty sure that will not happen
Because my thoughts are all blacken
I'm the charred remains of yesteryear
My innocences was very short that's all to clear
None of my life I want to relive, not one single day
They all were tinged with different shades of gray
My hope for a happier life quickly is fleeting
My life source is oh so fastly depleting
Over half my life I've all ready lived
And God still seams to have more agony to give
I must have been a really bad person in my past life
Because I've done nothing in this one to cause such strife
Don't get me wrong happiness I'm still pursuing
But with their hot breath on my neck, my demons keep ensuing
So I'll leave you with this thought in mind
Be very very greatful for YOUR happy times

He grew up just him and his poor mother
No sweet sister, no rough and tumble brother
His Dad was M.I.A.
It happened in the usual way

But he didn't care
A cub never needs a father bear
His mother sufficed
Taught him wrong from right

He had it all figured out
He knew without a doubt
He had watched the rich kids laugh and joke
While in property he wallered and choked

So he studied hard and got good grades
In college he didn't party, never went to any raves
Got a corporate job, had a 3 figure income
He had money to pay bills, buy cars and then some

He took care of his mom till she passed away
He learned a great lessons on that rainy gray day
Money couldn't stop his mom from dying
Grown men where not above crying

The years quickly passed, he was married to his job
To those less fortunate he was a snob
On the streets he never gave the bums a secound look
If they had only took a page out of his book

He thought money was the way to happiness
Those he thought of as sad always had less
He had forgot about the lesson of the stone with it's dashes
Then the day came when the stock market crashes

He should of invested his time in a family
Instead of that money tree
For soon all his money was gone
Things in his life was going all wrong
His job disappeared, along with his home
Soon on the streets he had to roam

Now he was one of the despised
But on the streets he truly grew wise

Through hardship he found true friends
The ones that would help you to no end
For they know the pain of need
There was never any thought of greed

He was astonishingly amazed
That even with the poverty that he was grazed
He was happier now
Than chasing that cash cow

A good woman found him
His future then didn't look so grim
Years passed and they married
Over thier rundown apartment threshold, her he carried
Soon it was babies in his arms
He truly knew now his vision of life had been wrong

Now he knew
Where it was that happiness grew
In the hearts of ones you loved and cared for
Being rich or being poor was both a chore
It's all just clatter
Unless to someone else you matter

He grew up just him and his poor mother
No sweet sister, no rough and tumble brother
His Dad was M.I.A.
It happened in the usual way

But he didn't care
A cub never needs a father bear
His mother sufficed
Taught him wrong from right

He had it all figured out
He knew without a doubt
He had watched the rich kids laugh and joke
While in property he wallered and choked

So he studied hard and got good grades
In college he didn't party, never went to any raves
Got a corporate job, had a 3 figure income
He had money to pay bills, buy cars and then some

He took care of his mom till she passed away
He learned a great lessons on that rainy gray day
Money couldn't stop his mom from dying
Grown men where not above crying

The years quickly passed, he was married to his job
To those less fortunate he was a snob
On the streets he never gave the bums a secound look
If they had only took a page out of his book

He thought money was the way to happiness
Those he thought of as sad always had less
He had forgot about the lesson of the stone with it's dashes
Then the day came when the stock market crashes

He should of invested his time in a family
Instead of that money tree
For soon all his money was gone
Things in his life was going all wrong
His job disappeared, along with his home
Soon on the streets he had to roam

Now he was one of the despised
But on the streets he truly grew wise

Through hardship he found true friends
The ones that would help you to no end
For they know the pain of need
There was never any thought of greed

He was astonishingly amazed
That even with the poverty that he was grazed
He was happier now
Than chasing that cash cow

A good woman found him
His future then didn't look so grim
Years passed and they married
Over there rundown apartment threshold, her he carried
Soon it was babies in his arms
He truly knew now his vision of life had been wrong

Now he knew
Where it was that happiness grew
In the hearts of ones you loved and cared for
Being rich or being poor was both a chore
It's all just clatter
Unless to someone else you matter

Why did you want to hurt me again
Why do you want to twist that knife in
Your words cut worse than any knife
And I'm the reason for your strife

I swear I did the best I could
I thought I was proticting you like I should
I'm sorry I didn't know
But I'd ask you everytime you would go
But your answer was always no

But I know little kids can be frightened
And I'm sure that noose he tightened
And I don't blame you for hating me
For I am mom you see
I was supposed to protect you from the monsters
But I didn't know it would be my secound step father

I didn't know my mom would marry a another one like the first
This nightmare was the worst
I just wish you could see
I tried my very best to be
The mother you could always depend on
But now your gone

You hate me for what was done
But I want you to know if I'd had a gun
He could of never hurt anyone
And tho you hate me I'll love you always
I'm mom and I'm to blame anyways

Why did you want to hurt me again
Why do you want to twist that knife in
Your words cut worse than any knife
And I'm the reason for your strife

I swear I did the best I could
I thought I was proticting you like I should
I'm sorry I didn't know
But I'd ask you everytime you would go
But your answer was always no

But I know little kids can be frightened
And I'm sure that noose he tightened
And I don't blame you for hating me
For I am mom you see
I was supposed to protect you from the monsters
But I didn't know it would be my secound step father

I didn't know my mom would marry a another one like the first
This nightmare was the worst
I just wish you could see
I tried my very best to be
The mother you could always depend on
But now your gone

You hate me for what was done
But I want you to know if I'd had a gun
He could of never hurt anyone
And tho you hate me I'll love you always
I'm mom and I'm to blame anyways

Why did you want to hurt me again
Why do you want to twist that knife in
Your words cut worse than any knife
And I'm the reason for your strife

I swear I did the best I could
I thought I was proticting you like I should
I'm sorry I didn't know
But I'd ask you everytime you would go
But your answer was always no

But I know little kids can be frightened
And I'm sure that noose he tightened
And I don't blame you for hating me
For I am mom you see
I was supposed to protect you from the mosters
But I didn't know it would be my secound step father

I didn't know my mom would marry a another one like the first
This nightmare was the worst
I just wish you could see
I tried my very best to be
The mother you could always depend on
But now your gone

You hate me for what was done
But I want you to know if I'd had a gun
He could of never hurt anyone
And tho you hate me I'll love you always
I'm mom and I'm to blame anyways

Living a life full of shadows, full of echoes
Voices from my past bellows
In my head and in my heart
They seem to want to tear me apart
To make me pay a price I don't owe
The devil put a price on my soul
He's tried to crush me
Rush me
Brush me aside
Make me hide
God's angels join in
Chasing away any friend

I'm not ment for heaven or hell
I just ride the growing swell
Until I'm dropped into the hole
Where all the unwanted souls go
The black abyss will be a welcome sight
No longer having to put up a fight
There in the darkness I'll dwell in delight
Far from hell's dogs
Or those heavenly hogs

Another day and they say "it's a new beginning"
But is it really, it feels more like an ending
An ending of time
In a life that doesn't rhyme

An unending march into the uncertain
Like the droping of life's curtain
Another day closer to the end
But I'm still waiting on my life to begin

I'm tired of this life's storyline
I want a different out come this time
I want happy, not sad
I want the good, not the bad

But there is no off ramp
Sadness leaving it's tattooed stamp
An uneasy feel of being a ***** lost *****
Meanwhile life just goes on like a vamp

Over and over the same music plays
A sorrowful song, for long anguished days
But I want a change in the beat
An uplifting melody to get me on my feet

Will you be my new rhythm
An escape from my prison
Are you my golden key
Will you try to set me free

Will you hold me tight
When I'm a sad sorry sight
There is no cure for my depression
But will you help the darkness lessen

Or will you run for the hills
Jump in the sea and grow gills
Just to get away
From a disease you can not sway

As the darkness continues devouring
Will you leave me here cowering
Slowly choking down another toxic pill
Till this clock like heart's hands stand still

©Pauline Russell

Have you ever wondered
What it's like to live a life that's been plundered
Body and emotions *****
What kind of monstrous life it shaped

Let me tell you a story
I apologize now, it maybe a little gory
It's about a little girls life
How she was forced to walk on the edge of the knife

The sadness started at her birth
At this event there was no mirth
Before her a brother at 4 months had died
She was not born a boy so her mother cried
But she was the apple of her Dad's eye

So for the next 7 years
Her world was full of cheer
Except for her mother's geers

There was mud pies
Sunny sky's
Bicycle rides
Slip and slides
Camping trips
Potato chips
Fishing poles
Daddy's hand to hold
Big sisters kisses
Mother's suppers delicious

Then came the split
Her heart was ripped

A dad rarely seen
A mother that was mean
Then came the step dad, what he did was obscene

A mom never knowing
Around the girl the darkness was growing
The keys on his belt jingled down the hall
He was coming to call
Under the covers the girl of 8 cowered
For he held all the power

Step dad beat the girl's mom all the time
He threatened the child, "tell no one, I claim you as mine"
She told not a soul, not even her Dad
She was afraid step dad would hurt him bad
Besides a new family with a new baby boy her Dad had

So she suffered in silence till the age of 14
When thinking back on what her years had gleaned
For her dad had recently passed away
It made her heart cave
She made a trip to the cemetery laid down on his grave
Took a handful of sleeping pills, death she craved
To her disappointment around noon the next day she woke up
Trudged back home, knowing she would have to drink the wrath from her mother's cup

Fast forward a few years
There was still plenty of tears
The sins of a mother is like no other
On the little girl they covered and smothered
The little girl knowing only pain as love
The girl married a man that beat and shoved

After four kids of her own, 3 daughters and a son
She found the key to her rusty cage and made a run
She was bound and determined thier childhood would be full of fun

For man's wicked way she had been shown
So for 13 years her and her kids lived all alone
She tried her hardest to protect them from the monsters
Only family was let close enough to love and foster

She didn't realize her mother had married ANOTHER *******
The little girl's  SON'S soul was tossed into the fire
Though she questioned her children all the time, the results was the same
Her son suffered in silence and shame
Even though the little girl didn't know, she was mom and she was to blame
All of her love couldn't heal her sons pain

The years ticked by
She lived under the darkest of skies
Her son's anger grew
He's words created scars that where new
Along with the constant every two year visits of the abusive alcoholic she had once been chained to

That girl decided her kids where grown and with her life she was through
Swallowed two bottles of pills
Praying it would cure all her ills
She went behind the veil to the dark quite abyss
Her children would be all she missed
Much to her chagrin
Those doctors brought her back to life again

Fast forward just two more years
There would be new founded fears
That abusive alcoholic made another visit, dragged her to the woods
***** her in the worst way he could
He left her miles from nowhere, bruised and bartered
More holes in her soul, ripped and tattered

That was a year ago
The darkness from it all still grows
She struggles every day
As she tries to keep the demons and darkness at bay
For her thoughts heavily weigh
When she thinks back on her life in decay

Are you wondering what happened to that little girl lost
How she lives on still paying the cost

Well you see
That Little girl is me

I'm still all alone
In my bedroom at home
That is where I cry
Screaming at a non existing God why
Why, I was only given a few happy years
With agony the rest was filled
Not understanding why I was spit out of deaths mouth, just to be ***** again
Tell me God, at the age of 8 what was my sin
Why was I condemned
Never to see blue skies again

Once again my stars have rearranged
Once again my course must change
I still find it quit strange
That my life is so deranged

Problems and heartache one after another
All throughout my life happiness they smoother
Problems and heartache are only getting rougher
It all leaves me seeking, running for cover

I no longer wish or hope for happiness or love, just a break
For a little rest, everything else I would forsake
Pinch me, poke me please any thing to make me awake
Deliver me from this nightmare life,for goodness sake

Never mind, my stars are falling
The universe has heeded my calling
Giving me my longing
Into the void I'm crawling

You know how the story goes
A little girl thrown in the rabbit hole
Sides to steep so there she stays
For years and years and days and days

As she grew the hole got deeper
The world was determined there to keep her
It did a really good job
For living in the hole was very hard

Every time she seen the light
The universe would put up a fight
So she never reached the top
She was always stoped

Now even her bones have gotten cold
In the abyss she's grown gray and old
For others sin's she was made to atone
Her only defence was to turn to stone

She never did get out
Through she fought every bout
In every fight she was knockout
So if you see a statue in the abyss
You will know who it is

There was a little girl that lived in a tree
She climbed up there so no one could see
She climbed up there so she could just be

She stayed up there so long she got leaves in her hair
She stayed up there so long she no longer cared

She didn't care about the mother missing her child
She didn't care about anything after awail

She was content up there in the sky
She was content up there and no one knew why

How long she stayed up there nobody knew
How long she stayed up there her feet like roots grew

She had stayed so long now she hadn't a choice
She had stayed so long now she no longer had a voice

Don't go looking for her she's no longer there
Don't go looking for her she no longer cares

She had become part of the tree
She had become part of it and no one could see
She had become part of it and now she could just be

That little girl up in the tree, use to be me

I was in a sombre mood
I went outside, my nerves to soothe
Guess I had been sitting to long, to still
For a little bird flew down, set at my heel
This litte bird was so sweet
He started to tweet
He sang me a song
It was kinda long
But I slowly move
To his little grove
That bird made my day
He made me smile before he flew away
Miracles happen all the time
Missing the small ones is a crime

A square that was a little twisted
Didn't want to lay on his side like everyone insisted
Instead he wanted to stand on his pointy end
Look and see just what become of him
Because he did not want to be like all those that had come before
He'll now be a diamond, forever more

This pain is ******* the air from these lungs
It's making still this tongue
This blood won't move
These nerves won't sooth
My limbs are ice cold
There's holes in my soul
There's bruises on my body
My life story is shoddy
This pain will end
When I decend
I'm halfway there
It's all I can bare

The alligator in my dreams
Stomped on all my pretty things
He gobbled down
My favorite clown
He quickly tuned around
Chased me till he found
All he need do is open his jaws
In I'd crawl
In the belly of the beast
I found the thief
That stole my heart
So I took back my part
Turned around and strolled right out
Between the teeth, in that beast's snout
Pinched myself, so I would awaken
So I could placed back the heart that's was forsaken

If I can not fly
Let at lest my voice touch the sky

If I can't sing
Then let the rain do it's thing

If I can't be washed clean
If I remain stuck here in between

Go ahead and ring that bell
Call the devil to rush me off to hell

I just don't care
I'm afraid I'm already there

Laying here in this lonely bed
Wishing you was here instead
I'd snuggled up so warm and tight
Fingers tracing over your body so light
All the way down to that sacred sweet spot
A slight touch there can make you rise, make you hot
I tease and I play
Never going all the way
You roll me over, pen me down
Each breast you kiss all the way around
You tease you play
You never go all the way
Back and fourth we play and tease
So poetic, with so much ease
Between my hips I find your head
Ummm I just combust, flood the bed



Sadly waking to the alarm of the day
Wish I could of slept till the ALL THE WAY

Dakness set's in
It found me again
Sheets of crystal white
Where I wage my fight
I can't even write
The papers to wet
And it's not sweat
My mind is not fit
F**k this ****

So tired of this ****** war
So tired of the lossing score
I'm afraid there is no way to win
I've tried so hard again and again
So the battle rages on
Until I am all the way gone

Dakness set's in
It found me again
Sheets of crystal white
Where I wage my fight
I can't even write
The papers to wet
And it's not sweat
My mind is not fit
**** this ****

So tired of this ****** war
So tired of the lossing score
I'm afraid there is no way to win
I've tried so hard again and again
So the battle rages on
Until I am all the way gone

Laying here in this lonely bed
Wishing you was here instead
I'd snuggled up so warm and tight
Fingers tracing over your body so light
All the way down to that sacred sweet spot
A slight touch there can make you rise, make you hot
I tease and I play
Never going all the way
You roll me over, pen me down
Each breast you kiss all the way around
You tease you play
You never go all the way
Back and fourth we play and tease
So poetic, with so much ease
Between my hips I find your head
Ummm I just combust, flood the bed



Sadly waking to the alarm of the day
Wish I could of slept till the ALL THE WAY

I am the colors of your lies
I am your broken side
I am the sound within your eyes
I am the sight your ears behold
I am the deck when you must fold
I am the quake, when your world shakes
I am the snap, when your heart breaks
I am the tears that you have cried
I am the future of mankind
I am all that you will find
I am your darkest side

Standing on the cliffs edge
One foot over the ledge

Found someone, fits like a charm
Never mind false alarm.

Alone....own....own.....own........own

I want to write a love poem
The best the world has ever seen
About two shattered people
Fitting together at their broken seems

I want to write a love poem
That no one can forget
About two lonely people
That where a perfect fit

I want to write a love poem
That transcends past the stars
About two cosmic bodies
That's not imprisoned behind broken bars

I want to write a love poem
So great no one has ever known
Of two tattered spirits
That clung to each other and the love they shown

I want to write a love poem
That can survive any storm
About two people with icicle hearts
That true love burned bright and warmed

I want to write a love poem
But alas that I can not do
For I have never tasted love
So I have not a single clue

Locked up tight in a lover's cage
Easy target for all his rage

Lies being continually fed
I love you was said
Caught in his web

Sweetly tainted words he continued to weave
How was I ever that ****** naive
Blindly continuing to believe

Moved far from home and friends, freedom firmly suppressed
Long sleepless nights and days of no rest
As his crazy obsessions slowly manifest

Walking on eggshells till the next rampage
Locked up tight in an iron cage
Easy prey for all his rage

Never really knowing why or when the next attack
One word taken wrong, my jaw he would jack
Kept constantly pregnant, so I couldn't fight back

I realize from the outside looking in it's hard to construe
People say leave, but they haven't the slightest clue
But here on the inside, he means every death threat that's spewed

They just don't know that type of griping fear
Of keeping your children safe and near
While trying to hide all the violence from their eyes and ears

What if I left, tried to break free
Would he **** me, like he promised with glee
Would the kids survive, there's no guarantee

I know if he raised them, they would surely be twisted  
As adults would they follow in his steps, also be addicted
I fear their view of love would grow so sadistic

I was determined to get my kids out of his hellish cage alive
One day my opportunity did faithfully arrive
Leaving him to rot in his own putrid cell, while watching us thrive

               NEVER AGAIN

Will I be locked up in a lover's cage

               NEVER AGAIN

Will I be an easy target for rage

©Pauline Morris

Locked up tight in a lover's cage
Easy target for all his rage

Lies being continually fed
I love you was said
Caught in his web

Sweetly tainted words he continued to weave
How was I ever that ****** naive
Blindly continuing to believe

Moved far from home and friends, freedom firmly suppressed
Long sleepless nights and days of no rest
As his crazy obsessions slowly manifest

Walking on eggshells till the next rampage
Locked up tight in an iron cage
Easy prey for all his rage

Never really knowing why or when the next attack
One word taken wrong, my jaw he would jack
Kept constantly pregnant, so I couldn't fight back

I realize from the outside looking in it's hard to construe
People say leave, but they haven't the slightest clue
But here on the inside, he means every death threat that's spewed

They just don't know that type of griping fear
Of keeping your children safe and near
While trying to hide all the violence from their eyes and ears

What if I left, tried to break free
Would he **** me, like he promised with glee
Would the kids survive, there's no guarantee

I know if he raised them, they would surely be twisted  
As adults would they follow in his steps, also be addicted
I fear their view of love would grow so sadistic

I was determined to get my kids out of his hellish cage alive
One day my opportunity did faithfully arrive
Leaving him to rot in his own putrid cell, while watching us thrive

               NEVER AGAIN

Will I be locked up in a lover's cage

               NEVER AGAIN

Will I be an easy target for rage

©Pauline Russell

When the moon comes full circle
The change rips through me like a power circuit
It starts in my toes
Far away from my heel they grow
My knees now bend backward
My bones all feel fractured
Still on two feet I stand
As I go out and survey my land

There is a hunger inside me that stirs
And my blood lust all will incur
As I run swiftly through the woods
To meet my pack, my hood
I am the alpha female the leader of this brood
In the bright moonlight we go in pursue of food

We stalk the campers in their tents
They never had a single hint
Inside their canvas shell the blood did spray
They had become our prey

We shredded the skin to make it tender
So savoury sweet as I remember
With blood dripping off our jowls
We soon go back on the prowl

I am the alpha female I am the leader of my pack
If you see us coming, you better not look back
Better yet when the moon is full and bright
Don't go wondering in the woods at night

When the moon comes full circle
The change rips through me like a power circuit
It starts in my toes
Far away from my heel they grow
My knees now bend backward
My bones all feel fractured
Still on two feet I stand
As I go out and survey my land

There is a hunger inside me that stirs
And my blood lust all will incur
As I run swiftly through the woods
To meet my pack, my hood
I am the alpha female the leader of this brood
In the bright moonlight we go in pursue of food

We stalk the campers in their tents
They never had a single hint
Inside their canvas shell the blood did spray
They had become our prey

We shredded the skin to make it tender
So savoury sweet as I remember
With blood dripping off our jowls
We soon go back on the prowl

I am the alpha female I am the leader of my pack
If you see us coming, you better not look back
Better yet when the moon is full and bright
Don't go wondering in the woods at night

I didn't move, a scarcely breathed, I didn't want to intervene
What a brilliantly magnificent sight I seen
What played out before my eyes was extraordinarily serene

Intently I watched with child like bewilderment
So slowly with great passion, the Sun kissed the sky, what unforgettable contentment
Never before had I stopped to realize just how they were so compassionate

The colors erupted, as their lips met each others
With magnificently bright yellows, oranges, and reds the sky was covered
For a fraction of a moment, with their glorious love the whole world was smothered

©Pauline Russell