I'm empty again
All emotions and feelings
Drained away
Leaving me empty
Its nothing new
I'm used to it now
But still it feels wrong
What should I do?
How can I make it stop?
Empty again
I hate it
But hate is just a word with no meaning
Nothing behind the words
I love you is just a thing people say
It doesn't mean anything to me
I hurt my friends because I can't understand the things they are feeling
Empty again
Again
Again
I am
Empty

They are treating me like I'm sick.
I know what I am.
And sick is not one of the word I would choose.
Hurt,
Yup.
Lost,
Definitely.
Scared,
Hopeless,
Dark,
Yes, yes, and yes.
But sick?
No.
I thought telling my teacher would be easy.
I reached out to her because I know she can help me
But, I think I..
I...
I need help
I need friends and family to know what I'm doing behind all these closed and locked doors.
Because maybe if they know,
They can help break the doors and melt the locks.
I need love.
Not people telling me I am sick.
I hate hearing people describe self harm and depression
As a sickness
If I was sick I would be throwing up not cutting my arm to see if I still bleed,
If I was sick I wouldn't go to work I would stay in bed and read all day not drag myself out of the warm embrace that is the sheets and pillows I sleep in,
If I was sick it would be shorter than seven months of pain and hurt.
I need a psychiatrist,
I need a therapist,
Not some **** bag telling me "just be happy. you'll get over it."
And worst of them all is "its just a phase"
I know I'm not depressed
I know I'm in a depression
I know I can't look at a blade without thinking of all the blood I have spilled,
I know I need help.
but what I don't know it how to ask for it.

First you need friendship,
Then add a pinch of attraction,
And a dash of late nights and,
Glances that last to long.
Don't forget the ****** tension,
You'll need a lot of that,
Butterflies and quick heart beats.
Add nerves and hope filled dreams,
Laughter is next,
Along with too big t-shirts,
And warm blankets.
Touches that you liked to much,
And goodbye hugs,
Then add some strength,
And shared interests.
Now let that all simmer and stew,
And watch true love grow.

Just one blissful moment
Before I'm rushed away
To another world
Another land
But for now I have
One blissful moment
Just you and me
Together
I can hardly wait
Counting down
Just a few more hours
And then one blissful moment

I feel small
All alone
I wish you where here
I wait for you
My heart aches
My love
I feel broken inside
Shatered into a million peices
My mind is dark
I feel alone
Bad thoughts
Dark days
Help me back
From the somewhere I have been
My mind is hurting me
I don't know what to do
Alone
I don't know
What to do
If I can
I love you
Do I?
Yes
I do
All alone
Help
Not safe
Hide me from myself
Can anybody help?
You won't
But I thought I might ask
Just in case
Oh well
Goodnight
No
Can't sleep
The nightmare
It will come again
I'm sorry
Babe
I didn't mean it
Don't leave
Me
Please
I'm trying
I really am
Sorry
So
So
Sorry
Can't sleep
Can't dream
The dark will come again
My dark
Sorry
Sleep
Nononono
Can't
I love you
I'll try to sleep
Maybe
But the nightmare
It will begin again
Sorry

If you knew
That I draw on my skin so I don't cut.
That I'm more broken than you think.
That I hate my body,
My scars,
My brain.

If you knew
That I've cried myself to sleep for the past week because I'm scared of myself.
That I don't trust myself with a knife.
That I just want to sleep,
And never ever,
Wake up.

If you knew
That the only thing keeping me going is the thought of seeing my sweetheart.
That I wish I wasn't born sometimes.
That Im not okay,
No matter,
How manny times you ask.

If you only knew
Whats going through my head as I wright this.
Would you take me to see a therapist?
Would you want to help me?
Or turn your back and tell me that I'm "fine"?

If you knew
That I'm tired of living,
And I just want it to stop.
**...

the world is grey
and dark
I don't like the grey
its boring
and plain
and then
you come in to it
and the world is
full of color
and light
and its...
beautiful
and bright
but then you leave
and it goes grey
I see friends
and there
is a bit of color
but its faded
and dull
but then
the rain comes
and washes
the grey away
and color returns
but then
the puddles dry
and its grey again
I'm
alone
help
me
no sorry
I'm fine
really I am
I'm good
its grey
so grey
I hate grey
and thats why I draw
and paint
so i can put
artificial color
in the world
when i go
to museums
i see the color
in the art
but outside
its grey
i love books,
stores
its warm
and filled with stores
and stores have color
thats why I read
thats why i dance
because the
movement
fills me with
color
thats what
this world  
has come to
people looking
for color
for light
all there life
sometimes
we don't find it
and so the world
is **grey

I'm sorry I couldn't help you,
I was trying to help myself.

I'm sorry I didn't see the cuts,
I was busy trying to stop the blood,

I'm sorry I didn't love you sooner,
I was trying to love myself.

I'm sorry I can't be there all the time,
I have to try hard to be there to eat dinner.

I'm sorry I didn't push you to eat more,
I was trying to choke down my lunch.

I'm sorry
So so sorry