. . . Ouch . . .

.       let
                                  me in
  to
                                                your
        sacred spaces
                                       so
                                                         i can
    decorate
                            your
                                                  altar
           with
                                     lipstick
                                                        stains
     and
                                                   expired
                                  rose
                                         petals

             let me be your offering.

.Sanctuary.
I offered it to you
And everyone
Anyone
When it was meant for me all along.

Someone save me from my own understanding

The consequences of your actions
Are a burden I suppose I asked for
When I agreed to belong to you
When I offered you sanctuary in my arms

Yet tonight - they are so heavy
And I no longer wish to carry them
My legs are so tired darling
Please just admit that you were wrong

My legs are so tired darling
Break the generational chain that binds us to this nonsense.

.Friday the twenty seventh of October at twelve thirty nine PM

-I am getting worse day to day, meaning that I am sad again. Real sad. Try anti-depressants even though they don't work sad. It's funny that I use that word since really it's empty that I feel . . . Or maybe hopeless. Call it whatever you want.
The thing about it though- is that I don't know who to tell. Half of everyone I know can relate which means no one even cares. I'm guilty of the same thing. "Just keep pushing it'll pass." Right? I love my job, my relationship is good, and we're financially stable. Nothing in my life is going wrong so I can't pass the blame onto some little problem. I spent nine hours cleaning my house on Wednesday hoping that I would feel better. I slept all day Thursday hoping that I would feel better. I wrote it down today hoping that I would feel better, but I don't. I don't feel better. Who am I supposed to call about things like this?

Not my sister because she's run out of things to say. There are only so many times you can be sad for no actual reason and expect someone to say something new. I decline therapy. It's expensive and I don't want to talk about a bunch of things that I've already gotten over, and pills? What are pills? I've been down that road and then down even further for . . ? Nothing. For nothing.


So what am I supposed to do when I'm carrying boxes and suddenly want to hurt myself? I've never been a cutter. Never been a burner. I want the weirdest kinds of pain. I want to snap a rubber band on my wrist or bite myself until I bleed. Crazy **** that doesn't make any sense to me. I work out everyday. I drink water. I bathe. I eat.

Honestly I'm really high functioning. I don't really spend a lot of time talking to other humans anymore, but I can chalk that up to losing my super empath powers I guess. I call it independence but it could just be exaustion. I'm so tired of self diagnosing. I can tell you what's wrong with someone else in thirty seconds flat yet somehow my own sadness continuously baffles me.

I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to **** myself or do something crazy. I used to cheat on my boyfriend or let someone hit me during ***, but I've grown out of that kind of stupid behavior. For awhile I was writing essays about how to get through what I'm going through which were awesome for a lot of people but don't help me at all

Maybe I'm doomed to save everyone in the world other than myself. That would make sense since there's nothing I can do about my condition. If that's what I want to call it. So I guess maybe I'm just having a bad time.
I'm sure it will pass soon.

. . . Do you still love me when you are sleeping,
Then will I fit well in your arms?
All that anger you've been keeping,
With your eyes shut can it still do me harm?

I sit here beside you afraid to lie down,
My mind can't rest after everything you've said.
I'm afraid to wake you so I don't make a sound,
I'm not sure why I even came to bed.

I have given you everything but it's not enough,
I am so sad and I feel so alone,
I want to stay but you're making it tough,
I live here but I'm not at home.

Do you still love me when you are sleeping,
Or will you push me away.
Am I something you feel is worth keeping,
Or does it make me stupid to stay?

Do you still love me when you are sleeping . . .

I am a rabbit
And every man in the world
Is a fox
An eagle
A weasle
A dog
A man
I may kick, bite, claw, scream
I may be the biggest rabbit
The strongest rabbit
The rabbit with the most fight
But I am a rabbit
And because I was born as such
The odds are not in my favor

. . . Forget not
That I am a ship
But you are not the ocean . . .

. . . Maybe if I learn . . .
. . . . . . . Another language . . . . . . .
. . . . From a different time . . . .
. . Meant for different people . .
. . . . . I could write us . . . . .
. The love story we could have had .

"You can't speak to him like he does to you. He is standing on the ledge darling. Speak to him like you would someone with a fear of heights - who's just begun to look down. That. That is how you love him."

Its like the blood brings out the sour parts of me
My mind wanders to the forbidden side
Where all the things I left behind seem to hide
I do well in my walk in the light
There's no temptation for my soft side to fight
Then I find blood and things start to change
I think of all the naughty things a few sentences could arrange
In all the things I know I find ways to conjure doubts
That tell me to throw away the thing I can't live without
And that's exactly why when I had the chance I ran away
Away from all the people and all the things they'd say
I'm finally planted firmly with roots deep in the ground
And no one is whispering about my secrets when I'm not around
So why does the blood bring so much poison to my mind
A million naughty thoughts, one of each kind
I'm not a liar. I don't cheat.
But the blood tells me to love every person that I meet.
God gave me a gift and my side of the bargain I will uphold
I'm strong enough to surpass pyrite in my quest for solid gold
This man is my today, my tomorrow, and my best friend
Which is why I will stay strong until the blood trickles to an end

. . . "You are dusk on my horizons," I muttered, as I stroked the familiar line of his shoulder blade.
"I think you mean dawn," he scoffed, as he rolled away from me like he had one thousand times before.
"No . . ." I whispered at his retreating form. "Dawn brings the light. Dusk . . . Dusk steals it away."

There is no rest for me
Even at my best there is
No peace for me
There is a beast in me
But she's asleep, you see
I'm just so tired.
So very tired.

Maybe
You weren't good to me
Because
That's how it was destined to be

. . . I diluted myself for you
I spoke less and moaned more
I softened my spirit
I offered up yeses that once would've been no's
I held my tongue between *******
And wore pretty pink lace where there once would've been the blackest leather
I put fewer cigarettes between my lips
And instead pressed them together
To keep you from remembering
Why you didn't love me before
I put on an apron
To play my part
I served you smiles on dinner plates
And sipped white wine in place of whiskey
I put hearts in a lunch box
To keep you company through the day
Then mourned who I once was
While you were away

. . . I thought that if I was softer
More feminine
More pure
That you would be kinder
That I would fit better in your arms
That if I didn't talk back
My lips would taste sweeter
That you would listen when I spoke
I thought that if I became weak
We could be strong
That if slaughtered my Independence
And laid it to rest at your feet
That you would want to stroke my hair like you once had
When I stopped standing my ground
In the kitchen where I performed
And let the peanut gallery at the table
Critique my every adjective
Only to curtsey before their taunts
That when doors closed
You would whisper that I had done well
That your heart had space for me again
I thought that maybe if I hid it when I bled
You would leave the whiskey alone and finally come to bed

. . . But instead
I committed a ******
I killed the woman that I loved
I took a spirit and trapped it in a box made of yes dears and I'm sorries
By replacing her combat boots with pointe shoes
And her pride with warm baked cookies
I slit her throat with a knife made of compromises
Chained her ankles to the kitchen table and forced her to dance before lesser beings
I made an arrangement of the wild roses that made up her lips
And left her unprotected without any thorns
Then cut out her tongue and made her watch
in stunned silence
when you trampled through the garden with clumsy careless feet
I murdered the woman that I used to be
Sacrificed everything just to find that you never loved me . . .



. . . But fear not, even the goldfish who lies belly up can swim again . . .

I don't know why
I'm surprised-
I'm vain and I always
Overestimate my worth

The day snuck up on me this year
Five years is starting to feel long
You're no longer my yesterday
Darling you're just gone

Who will I find
Tonight
When I walk through our
front door?
I miss you all the
time
You haven't left the house for days
I'm with you
Always
But lately
I sleep
Alone
While you lie beside
me
I want to
Touch you
With all of my
Clothes
On
Baby come home

Lord,
Thank you for this man
Just like I do every day
Lord,
Thank you for this man
I want him to stay
Lord,
Thank you for this man
Please . . . . Please . . . .
Don't take him
Away.
In Jesus name I pray

Close your eyes
Deep breath
Then another
Do you feel my fingertips
Tracing the planes of your shoulders
My lips skimming the ink of your tattoo?
Count down from ten
Nine . . .
Eight . . .
Can you feel my heartbeat?
It's talking to you
"Sleep, baby, just get some sleep."
Relax, honey
Toes first, cradle your head in your hands
I can see the shadows your eyelashes cast on your cheeks
Let me run my fingers through your hair
Once, Twice
You smell like cigarettes
Do you feel my breath on your neck?
"I love you, sweetheart, goodnight."
Ignore the light from the TV
Focus
One heartbeat. Eleven.
Let me be your lullaby
If you don't sleep
Neither will I

. . . You
**** me, you
Are the best thing that has ever
Happened to . . . Me. . .

I want to smash this whiskey bottle
On the floor
And roll around in the mess
Then maybe
It will burn like it's meant to

. . . Does she
                   Kiss you goodbye before
    You leave for work in the morning?

Do you miss her on the week nights
        That she doesn't spend in
   your (our) bed?

             Do you think she picks out
   Places she wants to go
        On the map printed on the
             Inside of the shower curtain
That I only bought
                            Because you liked it

       I find something to miss about you
Every
                  Single
             Day
But it doesn't hurt like it used to

I'm not asking
         Because I'm afraid that you love her

I'm afraid that maybe, you don't . . .

. . . "How?" I asked him-
Amazed that he spent nine years in love
With no one to hold for it
How easily I forget
Closing my eyes and trying to feel you
Beside me when you were
So far away

         . . . The sacrifices we make

I wish I knew how to play the guitar
Maybe then I could hear the song
That I strum on your shoulder blades
Every night
To coax you to sleep

I am a musician-
Thank you for being my instrument

I traced the lines of your tattoos
While we drank wine in the living room
Mixed cigarette smoke with my perfume
We had no one else and nothing to lose

Winter comes and there you are
Coming to thaw my cold, cold heart
Warmer days kept us apart
But snow would fall and a fire would start
  
Fingertips on tattered keys
We were Gods in a world we'd never see
Painting a picture of intimacy
You made art out of little old me

Years went by that I spent waitin’
For you to be in our bed again
I checked in everyday back then
Sometimes you'd stop by but I'd never know when

The word Boston tastes like you now
I'd like to forget it but I don't know how
I remember painting the front room of our house
And making love to you when you tried to walk out

Come run your fingers through my hair
We can stay in bed all day in our underwear
Our house feels empty without you there
I still hear your footsteps coming up the stairs

I try my best not to think about us
Or how you used to get so jealous
Our story is old and covered in dust
But I promise to remember you every Christmas

We made hearts from rocks on the shore of our favorite lake
I made love to you while we painted our front room
We spent endless amounts of time kissing in the forest
I kissed your neck lovingly and often
We cooked dinner together, there was so much pasta
We spent a lot of time waking up together, but not a lot of time sleeping
We had a fluffy white cat and a white front door
Our little house in the woods was home
I was cold and you were warm
We drank too much whiskey and ***** straight from the bottle
You used to get jealous
Your fingers were always in my hair or on my hips
I spent a thousand hours laying on your chest
I waited for you
Christmas was our season
You love lemon bars
I wore your sweatshirts
In my mind you will always be in Boston
The snow outside our house was always icy, it crunched under our feet
We never got to finish anything we started
You drove a nice car
I used to trace hearts on your chest with my fingertips
You used to give speeches about how much you loved me
I reminded you of sunshine
You smelled like home
I died every moment without you
We don't speak of Jon
I still think of you first when I think of wolves
You called me Alice
I wanted nothing more than to be her
You strayed from me once
You would try to leave when you got angry
I looked up at you from under my lashes
I liked to kiss you softly
You held me tight, like I was slipping away
We started smoking around the same time
You were my escape
I was yours
We spent most of our time together at night or on the weekends
Holidays were our days
You left but I always waited for you
Your smile was always woofish, but you were always petting my hair
You wanted to talk about kids
I wanted you to come home
You offered me the chance at the life we'd built
You told me the truth once and it was always there in the back of my mind
Even though our world was make believe, it was real to me
This year would mark 9 years
I miss you every single day
I don't know how to escape all the feelings I have for you
You're not what I pictured, but you're so beautiful
Who we are fits together
I was the one running for a little while
I have no way to reach you now
You won't let me buy the pieces of art that you create now, painting instead of helping me make worlds out of nothing
You broke my heart again not too long ago
Because I can't reach you to let you know that I love you, Jenny
Even though You Lied, Love

Rumor has it
That I am a liar
A *****
A cheat
Can't trust me
Rumor has it
That I am shacked up
******* off
Leeching from
Some old guy
Rumor has it
That I ran off
Disappeared
Abandoned ship
Just because I could
Rumor has it
That I'm nowhere
Don't care
Beware
Stay away from me
Rumor has it

Truth is
I don't care
What rumors say
Or what you think
But you wonder why
I ran away
Truth is
You made me do it

Twist me into pretty little knots
Like the ones
your fingers
Left in
my hair
Like the ones
Your words
Left in
  My stomach
What can I offer to make you stay?
Nothing you say -
It seems that nothing
Is everything that I am these days
But I'm afraid
You can't even have that

So I'll let you
Inside of me instead
And I'll moan
Right into - your ear
Do you love me now?

I will cut open
my own veins
And give you a taste
Of what's really - inside
Do you love me now?

I will kiss you
Until my lips chafe
And my teeth shatter
Till you - don't want me
Do you love me now?

I scream your name when I sleep
How about now?

I drink your memory like whiskey
How about now?

I think of you alone in the shower
How about now?

I broke myself to please you
How about now?

I will bleed myself dry every day for the rest of this life and the next one if that means that you will love me
How about now?

Do you love me now?