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We made hearts from rocks on the shore of our favorite lake
I made love to you while we painted our front room
We spent endless amounts of time kissing in the forest
I kissed your neck lovingly and often
We cooked dinner together, there was so much pasta
We spent a lot of time waking up together, but not a lot of time sleeping
We had a fluffy white cat and a white front door
Our little house in the woods was home
I was cold and you were warm
We drank too much whiskey and ***** straight from the bottle
You used to get jealous
Your fingers were always in my hair or on my hips
I spent a thousand hours laying on your chest
I waited for you
Christmas was our season
You love lemon bars
I wore your sweatshirts
In my mind you will always be in Boston
The snow outside our house was always icy, it crunched under our feet
We never got to finish anything we started
You drove a nice car
I used to trace hearts on your chest with my fingertips
You used to give speeches about how much you loved me
I reminded you of sunshine
You smelled like home
I died every moment without you
We don't speak of Jon
I still think of you first when I think of wolves
You called me Alice
I wanted nothing more than to be her
You strayed from me once
You would try to leave when you got angry
I looked up at you from under my lashes
I liked to kiss you softly
You held me tight, like I was slipping away
We started smoking around the same time
You were my escape
I was yours
We spent most of our time together at night or on the weekends
Holidays were our days
You left but I always waited for you
Your smile was always woofish, but you were always petting my hair
You wanted to talk about kids
I wanted you to come home
You offered me the chance at the life we'd built
You told me the truth once and it was always there in the back of my mind
Even though our world was make believe, it was real to me
This year would mark 9 years
I miss you every single day
I don't know how to escape all the feelings I have for you
You're not what I pictured, but you're so beautiful
Who we are fits together
I was the one running for a little while
I have no way to reach you now
You won't let me buy the pieces of art that you create now, painting instead of helping me make worlds out of nothing
You broke my heart again not too long ago
Because I can't reach you to let you know that I love you, Jenny
Even though You Lied, Love
Joe: 144 versus 1-2
It was the authenticity within the lie that trapped them both inside of it. They played God with a world they could not keep from collapsing, and now that it is gone they must bear the burden of the pieces that ended up trapped inside of them.
You built worlds
Out of keystrokes
I spent my life there
Resting my head
On the pillow next to yours
Running
So far away from the life
That trapped me
Into the fire
That you lit inside of me
Out of the frying pan
You make art
Pretty perching Ravens
I wanted them on my wall
Next to the girl smoking the moon
Purchase denied: No reason given.
Break my heart
One last time
You were my home
Even though
You Lied, Love
I'll miss you always, my dearest Jenny
May 2018 · 214
Rumor Has It
Rumor has it
That I am a liar
A *****
A cheat
Can't trust me
Rumor has it
That I am shacked up
******* off
Leeching from
Some old guy
Rumor has it
That I ran off
Disappeared
Abandoned ship
Just because I could
Rumor has it
That I'm nowhere
Don't care
Beware
Stay away from me
Rumor has it

Truth is
I don't care
What rumors say
Or what you think
But you wonder why
I ran away
Truth is
You made me do it
May 2018 · 800
Do you love me now?
Twist me into pretty little knots
Like the ones
your fingers
Left in
my hair
Like the ones
Your words
Left in
  My stomach
What can I offer to make you stay?
Nothing you say -
It seems that nothing
Is everything that I am these days
But I'm afraid
You can't even have that

So I'll let you
Inside of me instead
And I'll moan
Right into - your ear
Do you love me now?

I will cut open
my own veins
And give you a taste
Of what's really - inside
Do you love me now?

I will kiss you
Until my lips chafe
And my teeth shatter
Till you - don't want me
Do you love me now?

I scream your name when I sleep
How about now?

I drink your memory like whiskey
How about now?

I think of you alone in the shower
How about now?

I broke myself to please you
How about now?

I will bleed myself dry every day for the rest of this life and the next one if that means that you will love me
How about now?

Do you love me now?
How about now?
May 2018 · 211
You Never Had To Earn Mine
Never again will I beg for your love
Like I did yours
Apr 2018 · 344
Main Stage
I had ***
To the heartbeat of
Your favourite song
Just the other evening
Drunk on tea
And forgotten memories
And
I swore so long ago
That not another word
Of you
Would ever pass my fingertips
But you
You take the main stage
Use my eyelashes as curtains
To put on a show
Every night when
I close my eyes
I'm never coming home
Apr 2018 · 222
Lament
Somewhere down the line
You stole my pretty words
And ****** my soul dry
Thank you for that.
Mar 2018 · 153
The Truth
I might be a devil.
A soul ******* succubus from hell
Coming up to claim my prizes
Fill my goodie bag full of shiny ****** hearts
And pretty little promises
Look me in my face and ask me if I love you
I don't know
I don't know if I have ever loved anyone
The more I stare into my own emotions
The more unclear they become
I don't know that I have ever
Given love that I didn't use for my own vain agenda
To build myself up into this beautiful crystal castle
Looking down on everyone
Who I claim to put above myself
Is it love?
Or is it slavery?
Am I a saint?
Or am I a ghost?
Maybe if I carve my adjectives
Into the very walls that keep you safe
You will finally see me
Since each and every one of you
Seems to have forgotten
Who the **** I am
Perhaps then
You will pass me by
With lips sewn shut
And keep your eyes down
Like good boys
You've gotten me
Angry
Vengeful
Vain
Viscious
So paint that on the inside
Of your glass ******* houses
And use it for target practice
Just know
If I hear one more word from your lips
I'll cut out your vocal cords
And use them to string my
Holy Lyre
To play you sweet songs
About beautiful golden silence
Then perhaps you will learn
That I am not one to be
Whispered about
Maybe you will remember
Who the **** you're standing before
I haven't changed
You've just *forgotten
Feb 2018 · 253
If I Were To Write A Letter
Hey Nichole I know you're mad.

I guess that's why I'm writing - just to say I'm sorry. Take care of my horses, my dad, and my mommy. I'm writing to you because I hope you'll understand. I know this isn't who I am. I know I had a plan, but lately the future hasn't been getting any clearer. Things about me have started to disappear. I'm beginning to lose sight of who I am. I'm a taken apart puzzle and all my pieces are second hand.
On the other side I'm not sure of what waits, but today I'm willing to risk hell fire for a chance at heaven's gates. I know I was a liar, a glutton, and a cheat - but I fall in love with something about everyone I meet. I'm banking on my love and empathy for my fellow man. I know God's a good guy. I hope he'll understand. Who knows, maybe this is part of his plan?
Maybe the beginning of their lives will be the end of my time. No one said it was fair but that's the bottom line. Life is painful, cruel, and unforgiving. Lately I've found it harder to find a reason to keep living.
I guess I should end this since I've started to ramble on, but this piece will be my last so it's allowed to be long. At the same time this isn't what I want you to remember once I'm gone. Please don't read it to my mom. She'll take it all wrong.
I hate to put this on you since I can't take it upon myself, but this is what I have to say to everyone else. Please remind them that I love them, that they made the good days of my life the best. Remind them that life will go on even after I'm at rest. To throw away the bad and smile about what's left. Even if they hate me tell them that's ok. That was what I was expecting when I decided to go away.
Leave out the part where I know that this was the coward's way out. The way that I spent years preaching about. Tell my dad that I wish I could've waited till he was gone, but that the nights were too long and that my hope had moved on. Tell my mother that God is with her and that he giveth and taketh away but that I will be there waiting when she gets to heaven one day.
For you children I leave only my regrets that I will not be around to see them when they are at their best, and that I know they will lead lives full of happiness. Tell them that I am proud and even when they're down I will be the person sitting on a cloud, cheering loud.
To all of my ******* friends. Nothing I can say will ever make amends. About them I almost feel the worst because out of all of us it makes no sense that I would go first. After all the drinking, the cigarettes, and tears I think they expected me to be there for another hundred years. Standing at their wedding or sitting by their bed. Never did they expect I'd be a voice inside their heads. Tell them that I believe in them and that they don't have to try their best if they can only manage less then they should get some rest. As hypocritical as it sounds remind them that this isn't the way and that life will only get better if you live another day.
To those in my life who held me in a lovers embrace there are so many things I should have said to them face to face. Like thank you for seeing beauty beyond all my faults. Thank you for fighting to get through my walls. Even when I was angry, or missing, or scared thank you for standing by my side even if you didn't belong there. There were many sacrifices that all of them made for love so deep that it had to be fate. I know now it's too late but I should've never made them wait.  I hate repetition but I'm sorry that I always leave for reasons you may never see that stem from my own insecurities. Those things that haunted me and sat behind my eyes from the way I always lied to the scars between my thighs. I love you I swear it to be true. I love you. I do. Through and through and through. You were enough even if I made you feel like less and in this life I wish you eternal happiness and I hope whichever woman holds you through the this life is truly the best.
And I'm so sorry Nikki that I lost all control so far away when you didn't even know, and I know I could've called you and you would've come to take me away. I thought about it each and every day, but what can I say. We had the conversation at least a hundred times the reasons I was chained here all came down to bottom lines so now I write this letter and it's fitting that it rhymes because poetry is so much better when you're cutting ties. Thank you for being a partner and a friend. I'm sorry that I couldn't see our plans through to the end and when you look at your wrist always think of me - flowing through your veins in an ink manatee. I will be beside you even when my life has faded, but you would've gone first if I had waited. These days I am selfish, frightened, and vain. I couldn't have seen a headstone adorned with your name. When you're holding my ashes and placing them in little jars think fondly of the memories that are no one else's but ours. I will be with you on the river that we call life. You're a wonderful friend, mother, and wife. In this life behind you I will sit, helping to steer through rough waters like in the ducky when we still made use of it. If you lose your paddle or the current pulls you down, I will be with you and I will never let you drown.
I love you and I'm sorry that it had to end this way. That I lived so much life then just gave up one day. It's ok that you're angry because I would be too. The last time you almost died was the last time I was mad at you. But please pass on this letter and keep most of it for yourself. There's a reason that I gave this to you and absolutely no one else.

I know that I am selfish and I'm so, so sorry. I love you Nikki.
-Jackie
It would be to my best friend
Jan 2018 · 181
Take Everything This Time
This will be my first Christmas in eight years without you
And it's nearly brought me to my knees
I waited for you
I waited
The one thing you apparently can't do
Everyone leaves
Everyone
EVERYONE LEAVES

but .  .  .
I never thought it would be you.

This will always be our season
Even though
You Lied, Love
To my dearest Jenny, you broke my heart tonight, love.
Nov 2017 · 437
Withdrawal
In a nutshell you are the ocean
And I am a toy boat
Caught in the waves
We collided and I was sent rolling . . .
Rolling
MDMA, lovers speed
You taste good but you could **** me
My personal brand of ectasy
Or maybe you're LSD
You changed me
The chemicals in my brain
Will never be the same
I'm stained
Acid psychosis
Too many doses
But what I like most is
You running through my veins
I marked the needle with your name
You're the flame under the spoon
One pin-***** takes me to the moon
It's over too soon
Then I'm jonesing
Can't stand to be alone see,
But time is pretty crystals
A quarter is too pricey
Days go by and I'm spun out
Strung out
Hard to find time when the sun's out
What can I say, I guess I'm a ******
Losing my mind when you leave me
But the high is like no other
We might **** each other
It's out of control
But your eyes are the color of my soul
And I want you to stay
****, please don't walk away
Just one more hit and I'll be there
Don't go, just say you care
And I'll keep nodding
Brain rotting
Veins buzzing
That good loving
*I need you
Oct 2017 · 143
Untitled
I smoke cigarettes so that I know I'm still breathing
Oct 2017 · 1.8k
Close To Love
. The morning after
When I told my mother
That he made me touch him
She took my to the bathroom
To wash my hands -
Because he made me
*****
With his essence
Now that I am older
That
crime
still lives on my skin
And in my mind
I can't help but wonder-
If I wouldn't have felt so soiled
Had everyone not told me
That I was that way
I was just a little girl
With big blue eyes
But I understood right then
That *** meant grime
They tell me that it's not my fault
That I had no part in the scene
It severed the ties in my mind
That made me a part of the thing
Now I still don't connect emotionally
During ***

Instead I simply submit-
Because that's as close to love
As I'll ever get
.
Oct 2017 · 380
"Make Love"
Nothing says I love you like swollen lips and saliva dripping down my chin. Do you like me when I'm messy and wild with my hair remembering your fingers? Pornstars smile when they ****, but I beg instead. I arch for you so beautifully. When my cheek is pressed to the sheets and you take a handful of my hair and force me to curve - that's dedication. I entertain for you. Wear pretty lace for you. I get on top on bottom on my side on my knees for you. I want abuse from you. Leave rope burns on my wrist. Leave welts on my ***. I want you to rip my hair from my head. Why don't you spread me out for you? Why don't you push my boundaries? I'm ******* but you don't mean it. I don't want comfort. I want aching shoulders and rope tracks. I want handprints on the inside of my thighs. I want to* hurt. *Last night I was begging you to break me. I wanted to feel you today. I wanted there to be holes in the walls and blood in my mouth. I wanted all the hate I've been carrying to come out of my mouth while I screamed your name. But you don't hate me. And I don't "make love." Because Lord knows I can't love you without my clothes on.
Oct 2017 · 1.3k
Art
Art
. . . I hate everything about what you've done to me; but the art. Good God, the art .. .
Once upon a time I was your canvas. Now you've given me something to put on mine.
Oct 2017 · 290
It
It
Even When
My lingerie is
Scattered across the floor
And there are
Rope burns on both my wrists
I am not as tied down
               As I was when there was nothing
                                             Holding me



I can't get away from it
I guess that wasn't the kind of release I was looking for.
Oct 2017 · 340
Three Seasons
I gave you three seasons
But Autumn wouldn't have us
Or rather, you would no longer have me.
In turn, it became my safe Haven,
Autumn.
Needless to say,
Winter has smiled upon us quite early this year.
Sep 2017 · 426
Stain Of You
Time heals all wounds
But there are not enough seconds
In a single day
To erase the stain of you
*I may never gain back all my wasted time
Sep 2017 · 292
Everything Is Asleep
I think I'm depressed
But I don't really know
I can't even feel my fingertips
So how am I supposed to feel my soul?
The only thing that has ever
Felt better pressed to my lips
Than the filter of
A burning cigarettes
Was the tail end of
I love you
Sent in your general direction
Accidentally lost this in my drafts. Here it is for you now.
Sep 2017 · 2.4k
Cheating?
;Cheating defined.:
1. "Anything that I do
that does not involve you."

2. "Nurturing any part of me
that does not satisfy some part of you."

3. "Satisfying any need i have
that seems illigitiment in your mind."


. . . At least, that's what I've come to understand. . . .
i wish i got to re-write the dictionary
Aug 2017 · 2.4k
Whole World
I want to burn
Everything that I ever gave to you
I would douse myself in gasoline
And smile through the flames
But I never seem to have
Enough matches
To set this whole world ablaze
I  gave you everything and more
Aug 2017 · 1.2k
Reflection
Remind me again love,
What was our situation?
Was it effervescent love,
Or a hostage negotiation?

;Dedication defined: "The way I looked at you even in our worst moments"
What is, Stockholm Syndrome?
Jul 2017 · 2.2k
Bruises cont.
Those bruises you once left on my hips
didn't look so good on my arms
I wonder how they look
Now that they're on my heart
*You would know since you're the one holding it.
How long did it continue to beat after it left my chest?
Three Of Swords
That's what you are
Jul 2017 · 380
Tryna
All these kids tryna **** me
But they come in at second best
All these kids tryna love me
Guess you gave me a complex
******* Though
Jun 2017 · 260
Waste
I haven't been near you
In half of eternity
But this morning
I woke up smelling of your love
And it struck me head on
Because I still remember
Every good moment
I ever spent
Wearing that smell
Like a diamond band
And I'm just so angry
And so hurt
By how much you
Never cared
So here I am melting
With all of these things
That I shouldn't ever say
Even if I could
And they begin with
I love you
And end with
*******
And everything in the middle is
Just a* waste
*
The only thing I don't remember
Is why I tried
Jun 2017 · 258
Sharp
May 2017 · 2.3k
Bridges
How many more tears will I drip
On smoldering bridges
Before I accept that
They have already more than burned
Apr 2017 · 201
Much Worse
Occasionally I remember who I am
Emotions fade
I sit a little straighter
Smile less
I see into you
Through you nearly
This is when I can take you
Own you.
I'm sorry
That I'm not even a whisper of the word
You've been very bad
But I am *much worse
Apr 2017 · 668
If I Go First
I want to **** myself everyday
For selfish reasons
If I go first
No one else can beat me to it

*The Suicide Diaries
It makes sense to me
Even though I don't remember the next morning
I know it reaked of violation and filth
The taste of my own tears lingered
Until the next day mid afternoon
Right before the sunset
Right after everyone let me be
If only for a moment

The morning after
When I woke up to a hostile sun
I screamed until my lungs were dry
And cried until my tears covered the kitchen linoleum
I ruined a new pair of clothes
And ripped out a few dozen stands of hair
Just because your fingers may have grazed them

In the shower I boiled the skin off my back
And tried to breathe water
Just to get the taste of you
Out of my eyes
I must've washed you off of me
At least a dozen times over
But I couldn't rinse the space behind my eyes
Where you left the most of yourself
Invasive and volatile

I had to tell my daddy
What happened to his baby girl
And watch him ache to break down your door
And straight into your chest
To take your heart
As some sort of payment
For what you've done
I watched my mother cry
And my sister cry
With pain that was never theirs to carry

And so each morning I wake up
To the memory of what you did
When I had just been out for a little fun
With sweet drinks that didn't taste like poison
Until you made them that way
When you touched me
When you had no right to do so
And I wonder if there's anything that I could have done differently

Since then every day
You **** me again
When I can't look someone in the eyes
Because I don't want to see their pity
Or their judgement, their doubt
When I'm scrutinized in the streets
Or my name is whispered
Behind a closed door
Or is screamed in my face that it was my fault
That it isn't an excuse

I'd rather die than face it
But I fear for my daughter
So I stay
To watch her
Protect her from my own fate
And shake quietly when I'm alone at night
Knowing you're loose
Waiting for someone to bring me some justice
To put you away
Leave you lying in a shallow grave
Anything to give me security again

But I have none
Because I have been robbed
And I smile to counteract it
And everyone tip-toes around the subject
Like it's a sleeping bear
That will maul them if they stir it up
But it's not an animal
It's something that happened to me
And everyone is so afraid of it

I had to be strong
But I'm afraid too
Afraid that it might never scab over
And become a scar
Because scars fade
But wounds bleed
And I am wounded
And every morning in the shower the blood drips from my ears
And leaks down the drain
When I have to look at MY body
That YOU used
And try to remember that I am strong
And that you haven't beaten me
Then wonder if that's really true

I have to make it true.
Written for a friend I wish I hadn't had to write it for.
Apr 2017 · 258
Next Fix
I need a little pain every once in a while
Recreationally I suppose
Just to remind me that the taste of life isn't always sweet
Refresh me on why I'm here
To help people through the same thing
To me it's like ******
I love the pain
Savor it
Crave it when it's not around
The withdrawals rock me
My next fix is always better than the last
Mar 2017 · 291
Better
******* ****
That's all there is to say
After a glass of whiskey
And a bottle of wine
And the fear that tomorrow
Things may not be better
So where do I go from here?
Since today is a down day
One of many in a row
And I thought I was getting better
*I thought
I was getting better
Mar 2017 · 296
Seventeen
When youth comes crawling to me
On it's hands and knees
Tears in its eyes
Begging
"Make the pain go away, help me, please."
I simply smile
And kiss it's damp cheek
Then laugh a little laugh
For youth is always weak
You can call me hurtful
You can call me mean
But I crouch down and say to youth
"Don't worry, everyone wants to die when they're seventeen."

                     **The Suicide Diaries
Feb 2017 · 473
Violation
here you will find me naked
   without all my layers
                   of long silences
or calm reassurances
                                                         here
            
you will find me confessing
       to Each and every
                   secret that could've just as easily been a lie

                          
HERE
          
YOU will find ME
More bare
             laid out in front of you
    honest and wild than when
                    we made love with the curtains open in the early morning before you went to work and I went to sleep



here
i am
                       How Dare You
               Look at me
                              out of
     Jealousy
   *mistrust

           *Fear
What A Violation
Jan 2017 · 339
You lied, love
You lied, love
In two years I will have known you
For half of my short life
I wanted to spend the rest of it with you
Give you my part of this world
Sleep on your chest
Hold your hand in grocery stores
Take your picture in the afternoon sunlight
Drink coffee with you too late in the evenings
So I could stay up with you all night
You could've picked the colour of our front room
Helped me drip paint all over the floor
I gave myself to you
In the quietest ways
I thought of you to fall asleep
Looked for you when I woke up
I waited endlessly for you to arrive
To come back
For something, anything to show that you hadn't disappeared
I mourned for you
Cried real years at the loss of our imaginary world
I've wished you eight Merry Christmas's
Carried you with me into the New Year
Missed you for more minutes than I've loved you
But for what?
I've got nothing to show
You're starting a new life
And so am I
Me with him
You with her
We could've had it together
But
You lied, love
A letter to my dearest Jenny, how I do love her so.
Jan 2017 · 598
Meant to Do
I Will Apologize
             Everday
      For the rest of
This Life
         That I could not paste together
Your broken pieces
       or
        Brighten the darkness
              That haunts the spaces behind
Your eyes*
                      That's all I ever *Meant to Do
Jan 2017 · 1.0k
Icicles
It's the season of aching
For something that I can never quite find a name for
The hint of warmth in midst the frozen air
God,
I still can't find it

*And that's why my heart hibernates
through the winter
Dec 2016 · 483
Isn't
It still hurts
Missing you
Even though I can have you
At a moments notice
Fingertips on cool glass
You'd be happy to hear from me
This time of year
When we were together most
You were on break
I was inside
But it isn't the same
It just isn't
And I can't surpass the differences in between
Nov 2016 · 955
Back Into Focus
I am fading again
Back into grey
Into the background
Peripheral vision
        Movie extra blur
I'm hidden
               So well I can't even see me

Camouflaged
     By all the carnage
                      
who's to say
              *how long I'll be gone
       or what will remain when I

                       crawl back  into  *focus
Nov 2016 · 261
Sew
Sew
Sew my lips shut
To keep in all the sensations I exhale

Every aching sip of sadness

OR* tangy bout of rage

They are my art
            And without them, I am nothing
Nov 2016 · 353
So Long
Today I sit in silent disbelief
For you have left me
Three years going on eternity
In this world alone

These Days

It isn't disbelief that you are gone
That I have accepted
But how could it have been so long
That I have been without you
How could it have been so long?

**The Suicide Diaries
Sep 2016 · 935
Still Not Good Enough
I'm scared and
It's such a familiar feeling
Because everything we are
Once did
And always will
Make me unstable on my feet
Stepping up again
Like we are
To try to restart a history
That has been set on repeat
Is so dangerous
Possibly even
Unwise
Yet here we go
Praying that
This time
It will actually be different
And knowing what I know
Which is what I stand to lose
I'm so ******* afraid
That not for lack of trying
*I'm still not Good enough
Sep 2016 · 512
Disrupted
What is there to say
When your
Being,
Has been shamefully disrupted
By feelings that were put
Away before
They ever had the
Chance to consume
Any of the
Raw edges
Of what you are
Blind-sided by
Loveless embraces,
And
Fists flying through walls
I'm frightened
Of what has bloomed inside
My echoing ribcage

*Help Me
Sep 2016 · 628
I Don't Know
I will tell
Anyone who asks
That I love you
But I will tell
Anyone who doesn't
That I don't
Because I offer lies
But reward questions
With the truth

***** This
Sep 2016 · 307
November.
November is coming
I can feel it
I've developed a creak in my bones
A stutter in my soul
The leaves have changed
Soon they'll fall
And so will I
So will I

*The Suicide Diaries
Sep 2016 · 389
I Too
I am nothing
If not human in
My own right

I am not an angel
I cannot save
Every lost
Person
Who stumbles
Drunk into
My
Path


Though I may try

I won't read minds
Or keep
Promises
Or
Accomplish
the impossible

I too am lost
And so
Afraid
Putting people together
Like shards of broken glass
Cutting
Myself
On all
Of their edges


I'm sorry that I am not
Eternal
Or smooth
And that I break too

*But I am human
Please remember
That I too
'Shatter'
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