Sinking...
deep into the dark blue ocean.
I see myself slowly disappearing.
When the waters become this unclear,
when I feel scared, you're my Atolla.
My georgeous light in this sea of darkness.

Knowing there is a piece of you
always thinking of what could've been,
makes me feel this strange jealousy...
and I hate it.

I love the way the the moon rises and kisses the setting sun, between the sky touching mountains.

Your upbeat soul broke through my shy walls and gave me a reason to sing again.

The ocean,
I've only seen it once in my life
I've touched the world, once,
that holds the most beautiful creatures...
The ones who make me feel something
that I wish I could feel all the time.
These creatures that never
make me cry for the wrong reasons.
They're beautiful and helpless
I'm not sure if they can think or imagine
but if they could I'd want them to know
they mean more than they'll ever know, **to me.

Even if the golden jellyfish are disappearing
I'll always have one with me.
The best one out of them all,
has never left or let me fall.
If I sank deep enough before,
their lake would've consumed me;
left me poisoned and faded.
but with him I'm unafraid
I'll drown in his arms
before I worry about pointless things.

I climb into bed
in the early AM's
and then struggle to get
one leg out of my blankets

I look up at my ceiling
and realize I forgot to turn on my fan.
I don't usually admit it
but without noise in the background,
the dark leaves me feeling scared.

I'm crying,
your hand reaches out from inside the screen,
you touch my face as you reach out to me.
I smile despite these tears you've wiped away.
*I miss you.

I feel the cold seeping in through the walls,
and I stare out the window at the snow that falls.
My eyes are tired and the silent news channel that's playing annoys me.
I wish you'd sleep in your bed and not on the couch, it's depressing.

As the leader leaves, out the door into the freezing,
I climb back up the stairs to my room and feel sad I got up so early.
Why doesn't anyone inform me of plans they have that include me?
I take off two layers and want to go back to sleep... but I'll be awake in another hour either way.

my phone pings
and as I pick it up
I see your messages,
blurred, but there.
my eyes shut
as I think to myself,

*I'm having trouble
falling asleep...

Silence...

Except for my fan.
All that I knew,
was sadness back then.
but these days are brighter
and bolder and more lovely,
back then I never would've guessed
I could be this happy.

I only wish I could tell the old me,
that things get better.

The distance may be far right now,
but the marks on her heart remain
and she longs for the day
they will be together again.

His warm hands embraced hers
and her heart melted away,
she was no longer starving
but felt content and full.

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain and fall dead for 12 hours, when I'd wake up I wouldn't remember.

you're my best friend
the one I feel comfortable with
just being together, even in silence.

When I recall the things I've done,
my heart shivers and scolds me
for inflicting so much pain...
not only on myself but on the one I love the most.
I try my best to remain stable,
but sometimes it's hard
I'll see something I shouldn't have
and everything floods back.
I'll spend minutes to hours,
just being upset with myself
but then I remember
it's in the past and now is what matters.

My heart aches,
And I love it.
My mind turns,
and it tosses.
My eyes yearn,
to see your smile...
though I'm hurting,
I know it's just for a while.

Walls fall down
and heart doors open,
love surrounds,
what once was broken.

My heart reaches out,
it screams, it smiles
knowing that one thing
will stay constant.

I hate the feeling
of my heart beating
I wish it would go away
It makes me anxious
maybe I'm going insane...
I never used to notice it,
so why do I now?

tears keep falling
and I'm unsure why
there are bottled up feelings
deep down inside.
This usually doesn't occur
at least not to me,
I mean sometimes I'll cry
but not continuously...
I miss so many
and the past sometimes,
can hit me.
I feel excitement for the future,
a future that has us together.
Now my throat is hurting
from this unwanted weather.

Laying on my floor
I look over at my monitor
at the title of the song playing
I hear your keyboard taps
and you tell me what's happening
I'm smiling as I remember things
that we did together
my heart longs for you.
This distance is frustrating at times
but for you I'll always do the time.

he showed her the sun
and as the snow melted
her monochrome life
became so vibrant.

Sitting in the car,
I looked out the window
and there you were.
I tell her, "that's him!"
My heart was racing
as I opened the car door.
I hurried over to you,
we hugged
and I felt a million
I love yous
in less than a minute.

I look out the window
at all the snow on the ground
the American flag looks cold
It's below zero right now

Snow is piled up in heaps
from shoveling out our driveway
the night sky is dark like always
and the street is not currently visible.

The lights are dim,
Smoke is filling the room
He sits and watches this cowboy show
And I am writing this poem with wet hair.

Wow, I never thought I'd see jack from titanic in a cowboy hat.

I'm tired and
my eyes burn from posting
these poems on private,
so many I keep hidden
due to my dreaded
overthinking process.

I'm content just knowing you're with me.
There isn't anything else that I need.

Family getting drunk,
Little sister out getting high,
and here I am, wishing for one thing
before I go to sleep tonight.

The jellyfish you drew
that are on my wall keep moving.
They float higher and higher
until they're on the ceiling, above me.
I can't stop thinking about you.

In this aquarium of life
we are all swimming along
I luckily have found
just where I belong;
...beside you.

In my aquarium dream
you're next to me
we're floating
together, with no worries.

We're happy.

You're my star in the middle of a very dark and dreary sky.

As I look back at old words I wrote, waiting for things to download, I shiver. Remembering things that occurred and how I once felt, I feel bigger. Not so bitter, like I had felt before... because now I'm more aware of who I am. I'm no longer surrounded by ridiculousness. I can't lie, that's a big part of this. The change in my environment has helped a lot. I can breathe here without always having to look behind me, and I can't describe how great of a feeling that is. I can only hope you'll understand it. I wouldn't wish my old life on anyone. Not even the ones who caused me so much pain. It's all in the past now anyways...

Once upon a time,
there was a girl
she hated herself,
and she hated the world

She was so sad, so often.
She never knew what to do,
with all of her emotions.

She hurt herself and was hurt by others
and eventually just hid herself away...

Then one day,
she met a boy.
A tall boy, through a screen
who filled her with joy.

He opened up her heart,
and made her smile
At least for a little while.

Things were good for her,
outside of her dreams.

There were ups and downs
and turns and tosses
she messed up a time or two,
because she was being stupid.

But things got better,
and things became more clear...
He held her close,
and shattered all her fears.

The girl is now content,
and feels happy often
because of this boy,
her pain was forgotten.

*Maybe someday she'll finish this story.

I start to tremble
and the tears come next
I haven't cried in a while
But when I miss you like this,
It's hard not to...

Back when I was glitched,
you found me broken
and you stitched me back up,
now I'm more than full of love.

Looking at this wall again
potato snack bag and necklaces
it's good to be back in this place
where I have no worries
and can stay calm in my own space.

We stand there laughing
As lobsters are fighting
I suggest their plotting
some kind of escape?!

You tell me nooo,
they're definitely fighting.
We stand and watch it out.

I lean against you and smile
at this tank in the store.

Then we move on
and continue to explore.

Sometimes it's okay to be by yourself,
**without anyone else.

Thanks for always staying by my side
and making me laugh, when I'm ready to cry.
You're my best friend, from you, I'll never hide.
You're the only one I want to share with my
*"I love you, goodnights"

I miss his touch and how cold I was
because he could warm me up so quickly.

I wish I'd stop freaking out.

Everyone is waiting for someone to save them, but sometimes you have to be your own heroine.

Even though we're far apart,
you're the one that holds the key to my heart.