My biggest dream
When I was little
Surrounded by those so brittle
Was relationships
Love
Everything in between
And above

Now that I'm older
I found them
I've had my heart stolen
I've seen stars above
And wonders around
Til I ended up on the ground
Heart broken

Then again
Evermore
I found a dream love
Rough at first
Hard to tame
Now we're changing
Our last names
Soft and plush
Endless lush

Now what?
What do I do
What do I be
Am I happy?
Who is me?
I spent years alone
Some ok
Most with stones
I thought I knew
Me
I thought I knew
Destiny

Am I God's child
Am I young and wild
Am I caged and broken
Sickly and bedridden
What's my purpose
What's my goal
Will I ever know

Is having fun enough
Is being in love enough
Why do I feel so rough
Am I a mother in waiting
A loner always hating
A musician and poet
Lost at sea before you know it

I'm coasting
The shoreline of life
Ive lived some
But who do I become
Years stolen
Now constantly
Unknown
Fun and comfort
Fighting for health
Is this my wealth?

I think everyone feels empty
Or mostly.
I feel ghostly
Barren and cold
Dead to any life shown
Emotional and overblown
If this is normal
That's devastating
I want a goal
I want to know
Is God real
What is it that I feel
Am I failing God
Am I failing me
What's destiny

I'm bored
I'm empty
Like once before
A child wishing for plenty
She still hasn't gone
I'm terrified
This is where she stays
And forever belongs

A constant sad song


I have so much to love
Yet so much to grief
I want a reprieve
I want a happy tune
A beautiful moon
A snowy night
No more goodbyes
I want to know myself
And my life
I want to own it
I want to know God
And all there is

I want to find bliss
No more emptiness
That child is scared
Every night
Every day
It's hard to breathe

Someone
Or rather myself
Please show me
Show her
The way
What to do
Everyday

Everyday I tell myself I'm fine
The Night falls
I lose my mind
Its unkind the way
I twist and sway
It haunts me
It taunts me
Clawing and choking
Fire and smoking
My lungs collapse
My voice rasps
Til daylight comes
I feel numb
Repeat the same
Repeat the words
I'm okay
I'm okay
For today
Please behave
My mind
Please behave
Be kind

I set four alarms
In the night
Rem sleep gives me
Many frights
The ghost
The goblins
The treacherous
Moblins
Out to eat my flesh
Paralyze me
make me bleed
It's funny though
How they're not the worst
It's you
It's you

You come to my dreams
Like an angel of apologies
Full of heart
Full of love
Wanting forgiveness
Wanting hugs
We touch
We forgive
We laugh
We three dance with
The wind
With mighty loud grins
The past is dark
This is bright
No sadness in sight
I awaken with terror
Rem has caught me
In my most vulnerable
Gave me a plight
I cannot fight
I long for us
I long for friendship
Return to me
It's meant to be

The rem sleep lies
As I wake up to cry
Tears swallow me whole
I'm an empty bowl
Cold and alone
Sweating to the bone
Wash me away
Break my glass
Bleed from my edges
You made me sharp
And relentless
You having me
It's horrendous

Demons and ghouls
Are frightening
Yet dreaming of us
Falling in love again
It's tightening
In my chest
In my skin
It tightens my heart
Til I fall apart
You break me
The promise of peace
Of friendship
Of light and love
Of all of us
Again
Again
It'll never happen
that breaks me to pieces
More than any
Goblins or demons

You leave me bleeding
With hope
False hope
Dead hope
Tears of sorrow
Of a broken tomorrow
Stay out of me sleep
I don't wish to weep
I want one alarm
I want no harm
I want to sleep
With ease
And not bleed
Please
Please
Please
Let me sleep
So I can truly mean it when I say
I'm okay

From untouchable
To wonderstruck
From Xena and Gabrielle
To Damon and Elena
To looking at the stars
And breathing in the moon
From that's the way I loved you
To a thousand years

With laughter
And heart
Running away
To a jump start
Faith and hope
Everyone telling us
You are
The poems I always
Wrote

You are the love
I sought for
The wonderstruck
And enchanted
Dancing in the snow
Or breathing in October
You and me
Once drunk
Now sober

We are everything
My heart dreamed
Lying in a cold car
Singing wonderstruck songs
Playing along in my dreams
Never to be
Never to be
Yet here we are
More than I dreamed

More then I could know
Unselfish love
Innocent like a dove
Laughing and hugs
Simplicity and the whole **** sky above
We had red
We had blue
I have you
You have me
To pink
And gold
To all I ever want to know
To your heart
And my soul

To my best friend
My lover
Heaven always knew
It was destiny
It was meant to be
To Cinderella
And holding you
I'll keep your hoodie
You'll keep my
Sparkling shoe👠

The little girl within me
The five year old that's crying
The ten year old that's star gazing
The fourteen year old trying to run away
They never let me go
Not for one day
My soul always knows
But my heart has gotten cold

I've felt the entire galaxy of emotions
I was too young
I  had to be so strong
It was never fair
To let me wear
Every single
Piece of despair

I ran away
So to say
Lived my life
In every way
That would cause you
Shame
I became
The person to blame
I never wanted to tame
My name

The world broke me
Again
They hurt me
More than a friend
I became
Lost again
Broken and at
an end
Never to open

That little girl hiding
Me running
Never confiding
With her
I concur
She became such a blur

Empty with hints
stars and light
Soulless with a touch
love and fight
Searching for the spirit
That gave me flight

I fell so hard
Never wanting to feel
The pain that hurt her
The shame that killed her
The blame
The names
The broken and bruised
Lonely cursed
Hues

Without her
I was again
A blur
Everyday
Waking up afraid.
I didn't know
She still runs the show
She'll never let go
She's fighting
residing within
never dying
That girl who was always
Whining
Is still shining 🌟

The stars are blinding
Only to others
To me it's like love
Filled with the deepest of wonders
Wonderstruck
Wonderful
I feel her soul
In the simplest of times
She's fighting for her crimes

Never letting her dreams die
letting her hopes come true
And every time they do
I feel her heal
I feel her warmth
I feel the brightest smile
For galaxies and miles
Looking down on me
I twirl around the entire galaxy
Never a frown to be found
When her biggest dreams finally touch the ground

You said we were destined
You said we were meant to be
You said I took away
Your misery

Now you say
I give you misery
Now you blame
Everything on
Me

Never holding yourself accountable
Always breaking my heart
Calling me names
Watching me fall apart

Watching us
Fall apart

I wish I could drink the pain away
So I didn't have to listen to the **** you say
Watch you decay
Into nothing
Because you're too afraid
Of loving
Someone other than yourself
Other than
Your addictions

It's a mission
In your head
To make me
Feel dead
Don't worry
You won
I've already begun
To fall apart
Broken heart
Broken shards
Broken mind

You arent so kind
You're selfish
You're weak
These things
You say to me
Yet they're you
Who you don't want to be
I wish I was more selfish
Maybe then
Nobody would hurt me
I could play pretend too
And never come
Undo

I love you
I do
But you don't know
How to love
I didn't want to fix you
I wanted to show you
You can fix yourself
You can heal yourself
And I'd be there

Instead you watched me stare
At my broken heart
Crying at all the parts
You're too afraid
To try at all
In case you fall

You've already fallen
You never got back up
Trying to tear me down
Our relationship in the ground
Acting like it's me
With evil sounds
In my head

Not me
Like I said
I love you
I do
Do you love me?
Where's the proof?
You hurt me
And I let you
To show you
I love you

But now I'm starting
To hate you
The **** you keep putting me through
Tell me
You don't want my destiny
Tell me
You don't believe
In forever and peace

Then let it be
Let me be
I'll go free
Something
I never wanted
But
I can't stay haunted
By your ghosts
While you tell me
I'm the evil host

Soon I'll be dead
Is that your plan?
Knife in hand?
So you can stand
At the bar
Leaving us so far
Behind

Change your mind
Or leave
I can't take this
We're losing
Our destiny
What I wanted it to be
What you promised
So deeply

Have you ever heard
A melody
A toon
A song
So sad
You had to scream
Turn that off

That's me
That's where I belong
But,
You would only be mad
If I said no,
Keep it on.

Nobody ever comes
Nobody ever comes
Nobody
   Nobody

Ever
Nobody

I'm still
Or no
I'm shaking
But I'm always
That girl
That little girl
Crying
Alone
Always
Always
Alone
They never came
They could hear me
Nobody cared

I guess I thought
Or maybe felt
I healed
I was wrong
It was a lie
To disguise
The pain
The lonliness
The lack
The lack
Of joy
In my heart


I was torn
Torn apart
I hid the memories
Within my heart
I closed the doors
And forgot
Forgot the horrors
Forgot it all
Wasted on life
Wasted
Wasted
On forgetting

It comes rushing back
These days
The memories
The feelings
I am but a little girl
Little
And fragile
Little
And
Alone
   Alone
      Alone

A kraken walked
No
Burst
Through my life
Sending me in a spiral
Spiral
           Spiral
Larips
              Larips
    S p I r a l

Of memories
Pain
Loss
Lonliness
I can't come back from this
This
Shaking
Shaking
The earth might be quaking
I have so much to feel
I cannot heal
Everything is too real
Real
Real
No
Nothing is real
Nothing
Nothing
Everyone is bluffing
I cannot
I can
Not
Pretend.
I
Am
After all
Nobody's friend

I am alone
And crying
Alone
And
Crying
It's all come back to me
All come back
I'm alone
And nobody
Nobody
Ever comes

When you hear me
Hear me cry
Will you let me die
Or will you
Perhaps
Prove me wrong?

Please
Prove me wrong

I thought
How can it be hard
Anymore
It's such an open door
To be you
To be all the hues
How could it be
I forgot about me
Never honestly
Being
... me

I've told my story
I've opened up
They were nice ..
Enough
But
It's rough
They forget
I don't spit
It out
I keep it
Out
Of light
*** it might
Upset
So I let them
Forget

"Bi?
Bisexual?
That's so stupid
That's so gross"
Just in causal talking
Obviously forgetting
Me

"It's like you were in love with her"
"Let it go
Let her go"
It's like they didn't know
She didn't know
they did
They did
Yet I hid
The fireworks
The moon
Every single
Noon
Id spend
Loving you

I forget
The pain I felt
Sitting on a swing
Just ******* crying
*** what if I am?
What if I really am ?
What will I do
My god what would
He
Do
To me?
I'm disgusting

Then I let it go away
Til that day
Or it was everyday
I was with you
I knew
I knew
It was me
I was disgusting

How could I forget
Of course the doors not open
Not for everyone
Not even for myself
I still hide on a shelf
Even after revealing oneself
Never completely
I hide that bit of me
As just girlish
Drunken fun
Always on the
Run
From her
Those feelings shouldn't
Occur
I make it a blur
The love I felt for her
Or her
Or me

That part of me
I find a tragedy
I love her
So sweet
So soft
Why can't she
Belong
Gabrielle and xena
Willow and Tara
I've watch
I've seen
Love
On tv
But those
Those lovers
Made me feel
Pure
Made me feel
Sincere
Made me
Me
That was my destiny

I fell in love like that
She didn't feel it back
We were friends
I played pretend
Like I do with everybody
Hiding my entire body
My mind
I'm not shy
Just ashamed
Of what I can't
Explain

I love both
I cherish both
That is me
That is me
That's my destiny
I'm sorry

It's like I know
I'm a mess
I know I'm full of stress
I'm depressed
I'm a total wreck

I know it hurts my health
I know it kills my cells
I know I live in hell
But

Without it
Who would I be?
Without it
What would I see
Without it
I can't believe
In me

I've learned to live
Without calm bliss
I've learned to kiss
Every scar
Every war
My mind
Plays

I have to stay
I cannot stray
I'm too afraid
On a deeper level
Then what ifs
And what nots
It seems like it's a lot

To lose
To choose
What to do

I've learned to love me
Even tho I hate me
I've learned to live
Like this
I make my art
I play my part
I'm afraid to change
After 26 years
To become someone else
Is a huge fear
I just learned
To love this girl
With this choice
It could change my world
Change it all
What if I fall
What if I'm mean
What if I'm not clean
What if I'm boring
What if I'm snoring
What if
What if
I'm not me
The pieces I love
The things I hold above
What if they leave
Like everyone else
What if I can't believe
In the father above
What if I'm gone

Tell me
If I choose this
What if???

Old memories flood in me
So so many
Storms of memories
Of you
Of me
Of everything
I once dreamed

I was so deeply in love
never to touch
You
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you
My heart

I saw magic
With us
You are why
I believed in
The sky
At night
At sunlight
The moon
The romance
The perfect chance
To steal
A kiss
To feel
The bliss

I remember it
So vividly
I held onto you
You kept me living
Breathing
Full of
Hope
You helped me
Fight
So many demons
You helped me
Survive
For so many reasons

I never could thank you
You might find me crazy
You probably always knew
The crush I had on you
It was awkward
Embarrassing
Yet sweet
And charming

I love you
not in that way
I adore you
For helping me
Stay
Alive
Most nights
I wanted to die.
when I saw you
My hope shined through
You gave me a chance
To sparkle
To shine
To leave my pain
Behind

I kept a photo of you
To never forget
To never regret
I treasured every moment
They were small moments
Meant nothing to you
I was just a small girl
In your large world,
But you were everything
To me

Never mean to me
You spoke to me
You were kind to me
That's all I needed
You were beauty
To me
In my eyes
You gave me reason
To realize
I could love
I could climb above
And feel
It all
Feel the helpless
Romance
Feel the imaginary
Dance
Feel my heart
Beging to
Prance

You gave me
Everything
I needed
To be a girl
You gave me a
Whole entire
Shimmering
World

I had a chance
To grab ahold
To have you
To find us
To see it through
I decided
It's best to
only pretend
To know
All of you
I never want
The magic
The secret
Taunt
To go away
No
I want the romance
I dreamed of
To stay
So to you
I strayed
I ran far away
Part of me wanted to play
all of me knew
To keep away
So I can hold onto
My feelings
My hope
Of girlhood
Of a sweet, Romantic
Rope
I clung to so tight
I never wanna see
A night
Where that could be tarnished

So thank you
For being my
Sweetest crush
For the most
Innocent of lust
For letting me
Feel
Without limitations
For letting my mind
Run wild
With imagination
It kept me alive
It kept me burning
With passion

Thank you so much
For the beautiful journey
And lesson
Thank you
For being you
You have no idea
Of what you saved me
Through

I'm angry
I'm so angry
I never let it out
I never try to shout
I only pout

I'm so full of rage
I've locked it in a cage
I never let it play
I never let it see day
It scares me
How far I could
Make you bleed

I want to hurt
Everyone
Who hurt
Me
Who took advantage
Of my childhood
Who abandoned
My sincerity
I would do anything
I would break my bones
For so many
But I can't even get
The bare minimum
I can't even get a penny
Of love
Of laughter
Of anything
But disaster
It makes me angry
Deep inside
But I let it hide

I've grown strong
So they say
Little do they know
I've always been
This way
Strong
Never breaking loose
Never trying the noose
I don't want it
I don't want strength
I want to be released
I want peace
I want
To be heard
I want
To understand
Why
Why
WHY
I would let myself
Die
To be there
To show
I really care

But nobody
Nobody
Would care
Care
Nobody's there
Nobody is
Ever
*******
There

I'm angry
I'm livid
I'm tired of living
A lie
That I'm fine
I'm sick inside
Don't ask me why
Like you can't imagine
*******
******* all
I'm tired of wanting
To bawl
My eyes out
*******
I hope you all
Burn
I hope you all turn
Your stomachs
Reading this
I hope I find
Bliss
I
Hope
I never miss
Any of you
I am so *******
Angry
I want to punish
All of you
For hurting me
As a child
As a teenager
As a women
As a human
I deserve
Better
I deserve
To let me loose
To let me choose
To be free
To be angry
To be understood
To be ******* heard
I deserve someone
Who cares
Not the ******* bare
Minimum
I'm tired of begging
getting nothing
I'm tired of hugging
All my enemies
Of being sweet
And loving
Of being mocked
And crying
I want revenge
I want to vent
I want to let
The cage open
I want to break glass
I want to see them
Fall on their ***
I want to smash
Every single
Throat
That ever
Let me go
To such dark
Places in my soul
There's such a hole
Of anger
Of danger
I can't let free
*** I would hurt
Everybody
I would hurt myself
It would never end
My hell

I just want to scream
Scream
Scream
******* SCREAM
I want someone to SEE
I WANT THEN TO HEAR
AND BEWARE
of me
Beware
If I ever dare
To release my
Inner terror

Be ******* ware

I had a dream
It's coming back in flashes
Making me cry
Making me wonder why

We were crayons
We were being used
By someone else
Acting out a scene
A broken romance scene
Of us
But everyone around
Was tired
Of us
I was blue wrapper
I was attached to you
You were red
You made me feel
Dead

I wouldn't
I wouldn't
Let go
I was blue
Attached to you
again
You were red
You were
So
Red

We were crayons
I think
Because of how childish
I was
To ever believe
Ever believe
I could trust anyone
Faithfully

I could ever trust
Anyone
With my innocence
We were crayons
In my mind
To represent
The childish fun
We had
The innocence
Of my mind
Thinking you'd never
Leave me behind

It's flashing
Flashing
Red
Flashing
Flashing
I'm blue
Still attached to you
Still attached
To
You
Everything
You do
I'm wrapped
Around
You
My whole life

Crumbling
Like a broken crayon
All my friends up
And ran
I have nobody
Alone
Like I used to be
A sad child
Crying out
For sincerity
Always blue
Leached onto
You
You took it all
I'm still wrapped
Around your burning
Flaming
Firey
Hell
I never fell
Off
I still cling

To everything
I'm missing
You stole it
You broke it

I'm just the wrapper
Trying to cling
To anything
nobody wants
Just the wrapper
They want the color
They want to smother
Their paper
In red
And leave the blue
The darkest of blues
To stew
Alone
Like the ocean
So much blue
so quiet
All alone

Always trying
To swim
My way
Back to you

the flashing
Flashing
Red
We had
I'm flashing
Flashing
blue
In my mind
Always still
Attached to
You

For years
And years
I blamed
Me
For forever
I hated me
It felt like an eternity

I'm still healing
I have been growing
I feel maturity
I feel less
Insecurities
I'm realizing
For the first time
It's okay

It's okay
It's okay
I misbehaved
It's okay
It's okay
I felt that way
It's **** okay
But it's still a shame

I'm not to blame
I wasn't untamed
I was a child
I wasn't wild
I was alone
I was crying
For attention
Crying
For affection
I was
Always
*******
Crying
Til it left me
Broken
Dying

I been hurting
I been broken
Never healed
Only blamed
Myself
Left in guilt
Disgust
Mistrust

But
It's okay
It's okay
To feel that way
It's okay
It's **** okay
But what a shame

To blame a child
For being touched
To blame a child
Who thought she could trust
To blame a child
For not knowing love
What a shame
I became
To myself
Blaming
Blaming
Swallowed in guilt

Everyone
Blaming
Blaming
So I let them
Be right
I let them win the fight
Lose my might
Never say no
Never let go
Hate myself
Bury bury
Never grow
Let my passion
Go

It's okay
It's okay
To say
I wasn't to blame
It's okay
It's okay
To say
It shouldn't have been that way
I regret
So much
To let you touch
Me
To be so alone
I let you
Hurt me
Inside my bones
But
It's okay
I didn't know better
It's okay
It's okay to
Let it go
To forgive me
And to be ******* angry
About it
It's okay
It's okay
But it's a ****
******* shame
I lost me
I lost all of my childhood
I blocked so many memories
I became a sad vicious story
I was nothing
Not me
Not you
I was nothing
But guilt
I had built
Towers
Of magic
Towers
So strategic
Towers
To hide
*** I never felt
Okay
Living that way

Now I want to say
To myself
To that little girl
So ashamed
So alone
So afraid
It's okay
It's okay
To feel that way
It's okay
It's okay
I know it's a shame
You're not to blame
It's okay
Darling
It's really okay

Let it go
Be angry
And never forget
You're valid
And it's *******
Okay

Breathe breathe
Let the calming music
Take you in
Let yourself grin

Feel the light
The nostalgia
The childhood innocence
The laughter
For here after

Remember the past
remember the good times
Not just that darkness
Remember
The happy
Times
They are there
They are everywhere

Maybe some memories
Once happy
Still hurt too much
Move on
To happier ones
A time before
Your heart tore

Smile today
Smile and play
Life has a way
Of making us sway
Into complete
Chaos
So take time
To release
Take time to
Feel at ease

Some memories
Have a hold on me
They make me feel
A way I can't explain
I can touch them still
Feel then on my back
Feel the air, the walls,
Every crack
It was such a special time
The perfect crime
It's over now
It hurts
But remember
It was once happy
The best days of my life
So make more
Of those
Days
Make more times  
To play
A special place to
Stay
For later
When I feel alone
I can look inside
And find a home
Make those memories
Make that magic
Breathe the air
That gives you life
Feel it in every bone
Make it special
Make it known
Love loud
Love proud
Don't ever
Ever
Let this life
Keep you down
❤️

Memories
Memories
The key
Memories
Memories
I flee

Meditation
They say
Meditation
Will play
Meditation
Is the way

Yet my memories
Of you
Were my happiest
My memories
Of you
Were the sappiest

Now I die
I die a little
I die a lot
I die from the thought
Of my happiest memory

From start
To finish
the very beginning
Of adolescence
You were there
We were never scared
Together
We shared
Memories
Moments
Golden pictures
Golden snaps
Forever burned
Forever there
Now I'm scared

My memories
Memories
Of you
They have ahold
On me
My memories
Memories of you
Leave me in absolute
Agony

I miss you
I miss them
I miss the feeling
Of adolescence
Of fun
Of freedom
Of hope
Of every single blissful
Moment
In the sky
With you
In the sky
Who knew
We'd fall
Fall so hard
And break
Never to mistake
Healing us together
Again

Memories
Memories of you
I can't meditate
I can't think
Of the past
Unless I go
Too far back
My childhood
My childhood
I stood
Low
I cried
Every night
My childhood
Mostly
A fright

My memories
Memories of you
what I held onto
Now I bleed
I bleed
Without any seed
Of hope
I bleed
I bleed
With a need
I bleed
Onto my knees
On the ground
Without a sound

No one wants to hear it
I don't want to bear it
But my memories
Memories
Of you
We're all I knew
It's how I grew
It's how we flew
Now
On the ground
With no sound
haunting
Flashes of shadows
Creeping into me
What was once bright
Now a scary sight
Now a sad plight
For help

My memories
Memories of you
Haunt me
In my dreams
In my car
From a far
In my house
In my bed
In every tear
I shed
Please please
I pled

I let it be now
I let it hurt
Let it sting
It isn't leaving
You were more then everything
Now it's mud on the ground
Now it's death with no sound
It's broken bones
And ripped veins
Its falling and reaching up
But no one's there
Falling into
Throw up

Those are my memories
Memories now
My memories
Memories
Of you

My memories
Hurt
Me
Now
And forever

Memories
...
Now and forever

Sometimes in the darknest of days
Snow may fall
Like the biggest
Surprise
On my face

I will dance
By myself
I will feel the magic
Within oneself
I will shine like never before
I will remember my glitter
From days before

You don't always need
Someone
To shine
You don't always need
Someone
To dance at night
You can have your own magic

Bless be the snow
Coming to me
With a glow
Bless be your love
From above
I can dance again
I can feel the brisk
Again
The magic
In my pen
The extra skip
In my step
The snow
On my breath

Bless be this dance
Bless be
This chance

I saw two girls
Laughing and shopping
At a dollar general
It reminded me
When I wasn't so
Miserable

When I had friends
To buy snacks with
When every day
Wasn't consumed with
Trying to be better
Trying to be skinny
Hating myself
Feeling lonely
Dark
Cold

I miss that laughter
I miss those days
Together
Any weather
We were warm
Eating snacks
Telling eachother
Random
Facts
Buying crazy
Toys
Laughing
About
Boys

Those were the days
Now I sit in a cube
Isolated alone
In my cold room
In my cold mind
Focusing on
Whatever the ****
The grind
Is
That's all I do
Isolated
In
My
Cold cube

How long can I pretend
To feel
To heal
What's real ?
I'm lost
∆°In the surreal ∆°
The art is false
The grass is grey
I'm a needle
In hay
Nobody's looking
Lost forever

It ***** to lose the one
The one person who made the stars
More magical then they already are

The one person
You could lay on the road with
Talk and bond your soul with
The one person you were forever with

A sister
A friend
A soulmate
A magical date

It really *****
So ******* much
Who will I look up with?
To see the stars at night

They feel dull to me now
They feel wrong to me now
I feel only sad
And lonely
When I look above
It'll never be
What it once was

You and me
Sharing our hearts
On a cold open road
Laying there like crazy nuts
Laughing and singing
Our minds were ringing
Of joy
being content  
Of magic
So potent

Now it's gone
Your touch
Our love
The friendship
Everything it was

It really *****
To lose all that
It really really ******* *****
To remember that
It can never be what it was

Now everytime I look above
I feel my heart being torn
Apart
Now I can only feel blue
When I look at the pale  moon
: (

I feel the February air
But I don't care
I can't care
You seem to be everywhere

You are all of new York
You are all of my walls
You are all of my parts
You
...  You
Are
Or were
All of me
Now you are just one thing
February air

You run through me
Without a care
You blare your angst
You remind me of the pain
Of leaving me at the door way
Of pushing our friendship away
Every day

You remind me
Of running into your arms
Of corn and fields of farms
Of surprises in train stations
Of birthdays in New York
Laughter in a swimming pool
Walmart shopping at midnight
And bagel bites candle lights
But most of all
You always remind me
Of February air
The breeze I once loved
Now dead and mud
Cold through the bone
No brisk breeze
Just frigid freeze

You are the seasonal depression
But every month now it seems
There is no end
To February
My very being
It'll fade
The autumn will come again
One day
I know it
I hope it
I need it
For I cannot breathe
For the rest of my life
In
February air

When I was younger
I would lie awake
Crying
Praying
The other side of the bed wouldn't be empty
One day
Maybe someday

I never imagined
I had no clue
I only dreamt
Of someone like you

I don't think you know
Despite your joking ego
That you're beautiful
Inside and out
Not a single doubt

You're welcoming and true
You're hardworking and unapologetically you
You're the sweet warm brew
That brightens up my blue

I love the kindness you have
I love the way you laugh
I love being with you in a bath
And the way you make me laugh

I never for a second thought
That such a gift would be brought
Into this sad cold world
But here you our
With every single flaw
You own it
You flaunt it
I love you to pieces and bits!

You're like the snow
I waited so long for you to show
you came along
My heart started to grow
The crystals and cold
The icy white snow
You are a breath of cold wind
Blowing on my face
Making me feel this is my place
My home
My joy
My happiness
Maybe others don't understand
But I know you are one hell of a man!

I love you

Duh!

It's been 8 months
Why am I not
  Over
        It
Why is it
   Swallowing
              Me
                   Deep
                          Er?

I fall
    Steeper
The pain
In my chest
I grow
       Weaker
Life looks
      So
          Much

              Füçking
                     BLEAKER

help me
Help me
My distractions
Are
        Gone

Stop
Swallowing
Me
         Whole

I'm an empty bowl
        Drained
                Pained
  Stained

In your blood

My eyes
Our but a
                Flood
                ~~~~~~~~
I drown
And drown
     Drowning
            Drowning
No breathing

I let go
I forget
I
Get
Lost
In my screams
      Agonizing
               Patronizing
            Losing
Loser
Lost
  Gone
          Ghost

You haunt me
     Every *******
   DĀY

      Please

Please please
Please    
          Please
                    please
PLEASE


Go away
Haunting nightmares
Love and friendship
Lies and guts
Demons and monsters
     You are
              Nobody to me

Go away
        Leave my mind
              Clean my heart
   Of your
                  "love"

Whip off the glove
I wear
As you tear

I want it gone
    8 months strong

I want you
Gone
Her gone
All of her
  Bye
Go away
You have no place here

        To stay
Please .....
       ....please
                       ...   Please




    Stay?

The nights were crisp
If I remember right
The lights were bright
As we past each car

The talks were long
As we paused to sing a song
The hellos were beautiful
The goodbyes were soulful
But difficult

The train station in the morning
Running into your arms
The train station at night
Never seemed as bright
Even tho it was always dark
It hurt my heart
To see you go

I knew it was ok
In every possible way
When I looked up
To see your face
At the gas station
The warm night
If I recall right
I knew
I was so **** sure
It was forever

I've never felt quite right since
I realized I was wrong
what I saw as forever
Was gone

It was some kind of magic
Or curse maybe
I'm not really sure
But **** it hurts
There's no more pleasure
When I see the car lights
When I'm at a gas station at night
Or a service plaza
The distinct feeling
Of unbelieving
The world around me
A special place
A special face
held my heart so
In every ******* way

It's gone
There was never magic
It was just life
A facade
A lie
I could never begin to try
And make it right
I held so tight

The snow we fell on
The mischief we got lost in
At a Cleveland concert
Or the side of the road
Walking out of rebellion

The hair dye stuck to my hands
The red that didn't show
we continued to grow
To purples
To blues
Every new hue
With you

The trips we took
The cars we shook
By accident
You scratched it
we took off afriad
We've never misbehaved
That was the first
We had many of those

Driving for an hour
To be at olive garden
We saw as a  higher power
For years
We spent there
A special saving grace
Shoving bread to the face

The first time you left
I fell to my knees
Metaphorically
maybe physically
I can't recall
I cried for weeks
I quit the job
We shared
It wasn't fair
To anyone

It's never fair
To anyone
Yet you dared
To not care

Never cared
Never
Ever
Dared

The cons we roamed
The gorilla hugs alone
Were memorable
The pictures we took
The way we looked
As we fell and laugh
Over silly words
Humman
Gina
Something as simple
As a typo
Could keep us laughing
For years
I can't remember a single tear

I lie
For many years
..there were
..tears in us
The entire time

As I warned you
Getting into drugs
Ruins lives
You promised
With no sincerity
In those eyes
Dead inside
I knew
I blew
It away
A passing thought
As we danced the night away

Every moment
I write and write
Every feeling
I write I write
It won't leave me
I try to let it be
Let it out
On the paper
It's not poetic anymore
It's not rhyming
It's falling apart
There's no more
No more
No more
I'm losing my words
My talents
For words
For
Anything
I was so **** sure
Then again
It's happened before
Maybe I'm addicted to pain
I choose to remain
In it
By picking people
I know are cruel
I know will rule
My emotions
turn me into
A broken

Piece
Of
Hell

I can't tell
What it is
you were so addictive
Manipulative
Mean
Hurtful
Gone
Unhealthy
Selfish
******* LIAR
Fake
And
Everything I wanted to keep
Just out of reach

So I write
And I write
And I
Well
I don't know

..
I just
    Can't
             Move on

Closer then sisters
Better then lovers
Never a second thought
Together forever

What happened to forever
What happened

Memories come
Memories go
I'm stuck in the snow
Of all our love
The stars above
Remind me of you

Stuck like glue
You and me
Us three
Nobody could touch
Never too much

What happened to us
What happend to love
What happened to the stars above
What happened
What happened??

Every year we'd go away
Crazy wild and silly vacay
It was the best moments of my life
Laughter, fun, excitement  living high

Never wondering why
We were so lucky
Treasuring each and every smile
Thinking we'd be together for awhile
For forever
Never not together

Seasons change and the weather
We were birds of a feather
Flocking together
Living with each other
Secrets told laughter spoke
Our love never a Joke

What happened to us
What happened to love
What happened to the stars above
What the **** happened to us
To forever
To looking at the stars
To crying in eachothers arms
To figuring out life together
Never hurting eachother
Closer then I could say
Giving me life in every way

How can I go on
It's been 8 months since you've gone
And I can't move on
I see you every day
You don't give a **** I'm in your way
It hurts to pretend
Like I don't know you
Like I never knew
What thoughts kept you up at night
How to make you laugh at the right
Moment
All those moments
Dust in the wind
Blew it away
I tried to catch it
But you looked the other way

What the **** happened