When will I stop associating every sad song
With the way we no longer get along
The way you strung me along
The way you
You broke
And tore me apart
Ripped open my heart
Like an empty pond
Was once beautiful
Now hard to look upon

  When
Can I listen again
To my favorite notes
Without feeling my heart
  

                                    °In my throat°

I knew
When you said hello
I knew
When you gave me your number
I knew
Ever since I met you
I held back
But I knew
I wanted you

When you asked me out
I said no
I regretted it so
When I went to your house
It felt like new beginnings
My heart grew
For you
Each passing day
Every single thing you would say

The brisk October
You gave me your jacket
I never gave it back
Into the cold Decembers
Seeing me cry
Holding me tight

I knew
When you gave me that shirt
I knew
When you said it wouldn't work
I still knew
When you said we were just friends
I knew
It wasn't pretend

I knew I'd love you till the end
When you said the words
I never imagined
Would come from you
Your lips sang
I can't recall everything
But I'll never forget
Staring at you in shock
Asking me to be yours

I knew
It was forever
And never ever
Going to end
I knew you would always be
My very best friend
My lover
My protection

I knew
For nine crazy months
I knew
When you said we were destined
I knew from the second
You said hello

You forever will be my greatest blessing
❤️

I fought fear
With more fear
I escaped the prison
Just for a new reason
To be afraid

It's been whispering for awhile
But now it's here with a smile
Telling me
Screaming at me
Run away
Run away

There's nowhere to run
I'm out here with a gun
Fighting what appears to be
Nothing at all
But feels as if
It's everyone at once
Ready to pounce

Nobody can feel it
Time moving
Faster and faster
It's like the wind wants me
To escape my body
Run out of my mind
The earth is not kind

It's taken over
By a master plan
I can't understand
But I can feel
The enemy
It's inside me
And everyone else

I want to hide
I want to cry
But to no end
I am going to end
As we all will
I am afraid
I am terrified
I am shaking
And quaking

My family will die
I will die
There's nothing to fight
There's no reason in sight
For this life
It's all pretend
I woke up and saw it end
The illusion
Now it is moving
In fast forward
I can't get a grip
I started to slip

I saw the earth
As the lie she is
I saw the lines
Cross the bridge
It's a false bubble
A false notion
There's nothing I can do
But feel the motion

Of fear and lies
I'll keep crying and hiding
Til I die
Which is coming
Sooner then we all know
50 years
Is now 50 minutes
Blink your eyes
Think with your mind
Time will fly
And then we all
Die

I know it's annoying
I know I'm a broken record
For months
And years
Crying over the same things
But it's like
I lost the best part of me
And she's ran away
Without ever missing me

I have to ask myself
What's wrong with me
I have to ask everyone
If they still love me
Or if they're also planning
On leaving me

I want this to stop
I can tell myself to get over it
But it won't quit
I can call you a *****
Tell you you're selfish

But I still won't win
I've lost
So much these three years
And Everytime I try to heal
I lose something else precious
It's miraculous
I'm still trying

There is no denying
This will always hurt
Can I ever heal the burn
When is it my turn
To tell everyone off
To tell you you hurt me
And I don't want to see you
Or pretend it's okay
Or pretend it'll go away
But you left me once again
Broken and lost
Crying and lying
Thinking I'll never be good enough
Now I truly feel everyone will leave me
I can't get close to anyone
Befriend anyone
Everyone hates me
Or loses interest
Best friend for ten years
Guess that really meant nothing

Tried to make amends and you left me
Didn't even try
And acted like nothing transpired
Nothing matters to you besides yourself
I gave you so much of me
And you took it and gave nothing back
Well one thing back
Broken pieces of a heart
That was already trying to heal

You steal
And hide
You run
And lie
You pretend
And make fake friends
You are selfish
You were never
My best forever
But a user
Who wanted to feel safe
Wanted someone to throw everything on
We had so many amazing memories
Now they're ruined
All burnt
She's broken now too
The group is gone
The place I thought I belonged
It haunts me
Every face name and place I see
I'm drowning under sea
Chained down and gagged
While you watch
Driving your boat to safety
Leaving us behind for the unknown

Where do I go now
How can I escape
They say get over it
Like I was ever good at getting over anything
Even if I was
I could never get over this
What I thought we had was bliss
Now it's an empty abyss

It's gone amidst
Ghost haunt me in the dark
Your face lurking in my dreams
You're life terrozing my job
Everytime I see you with that snob

So how do I get over this
The best parts of me
The happiest memories
Thrown away in the trash
Like it never mattered
Like I don't matter
You were the one who taught me to heal
To feel something so real
But you became so selfish
You threw me away
And now you don't wanna say
That it's over

Leaving me doubting
Leaving me wondering
Guilty
Sad
Confused

I have been so used
It's time to let go
But I've gripped so hard to this
How do I let go of my life ?
Even if it's all gone
I can't let it go
You were everything
We were everything
Now we are nothing
And I'm just suffering
Turning to rage
Locked away
Throwing up emotions
Every day

I want myself back
I want you back
Us three back

How can it be right
To throw this away
It feels wrong
Makes me sick
I can't even fathom it

But you

...you

You already took the trash out
And never looked back

The weather's warming up
Spring is here
Then soon summer
Everyone's out
And about
Happy smiles glowing everywhere

I don't dare
Try to smile
Summer is vile
Spring brings the pain

It is nothing but a stain
Of my suffering
The loss I've felt
The assault I've dealt
With

It's not a myth
It's torture
I can't keep going
I wish it was snowing

My heart is in shreds
My body is bleeding lead
I miss her
I feel him
I'm broken within

I can't keep doing this
Crazy mind games
Please let me go
Summer has such a hold

Like shackles ripping my flesh open
Slowly and red
Rashes and dread
I cannot escape
The sweat
And blood
Of everyone's beloved
Summer

Take a gun to my head and pull the trigger
Take a gun to my head and make it quicker
Quicker quicker
Let the bullet hit my brain
And simmer simmer
Quicker quicker

Take a gun to my head and pull the trigger
Take a gun to my head and make it quicker
Quicker quicker
Let the bullet hit my brain
And simmer simmer
Quicker quicker

Who am I?
When I look in the mirror I don't see me
Unsure what I see
The girl who stole my identity

She uses my name
She walks with my legs
Talks with my voice
I have no choice
But to go along
But she's not me

Not the scared little girl
Not the abused child
The whiny victim
The addicted teen
With low self esteem

She's not the scars on my body
Picked from self loathing
The obsession with being used
And crying in self pity
She's not the disgusting trash
I've come to know so well

When I look in the mirror
I see flesh
I see a girl
I see nothing
Nothing I know
Nothing I hate

I can't identify with her
I don't know her
I know fear and suffering
Darkness and tears
I do not know light
Or joy
maybe emptiness
But the one in the mirror is not me

She's stolen my identity

Do I want it back ?

The brisk breeze through your hair
The clouds barely covering the moon
The colors that warm your soul
Autumn has always made me feel whole

I always say the best things happen
When the leaves fall down
I'm at my happiest
When the ghost run around

Just so happens that I found a connection
In my costume gown
You gave me a coat
I slept in it all night
It took away my fright

From that moment on
I felt something special
I enjoyed talking with you
Kinda scared to let it go through

As October passed and winter came
The snow fell down another day
Another true bliss of mine
To be covered in snow that shines

As I played as I smiled
I looked upon the stars
I felt warm inside yet Cold outside
There was your home to keep me alright

I thought maybe it's silly
Silly to believe in  the seasons
Crazy to think the stars have reasons
But I truly did believe in

The hope that they bring me
The warmth of their brisk mornings
And their crisp nights
I knew I'd find something just right

I can't speak the words
But I can write them
And what my pen is trying to say is
I love you, and the warmth you bring me
Is even greater then
The lovely bliss of autumn
Or even the soft hope of winter

Thank you for being
Just like the autumn leaves
And falling for me

Thank you for breaking my heart
You proved to me yet again
I am always right
I must forever shut the curtains
Hide from the unbearable pain
Of loving another human being

You're all out
To break me

Soft morning dew
Chilly air and blankets
Fruity cereal and tv
Comfort my soul

Warm enough for sun
Cold enough for wind
I settle in my grin
The calming nature inside
I can't help but abide

Bring me flowers
Bring me joy
I feel yellow
I feel buzzing

The grass is green
The lawn is mowed
I watch my tv
And feel my soul

Maybe it's wrong to say
I'm empty
Truth is I'm feeling
Everytime I hear a song
I want to cry
My heart shakes
But

I'm unsure
If I'm sad
Or I'm okay
Maybe I'm missing someone
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe I'm tortured
But Why

Can't I tell
What the **** I'm feeling
Or if I'm even feeling
Where am I going
I just don't know
Am I

Chasing the stars
I used to look above
I felt the hope
But now
I feel scared
Like I'm dying soon
When

Will I feel secure
Feel at home
Feel happy
Feel sure
That I'm wanted
And loved

When will I be
Who I'm supposed to be
Please

Here I lie
Cold and used
Broken and abused
Lowered into  the grave

I think I was brave
I hope I was kind
I wish I was loved
Now I look upon the stars above

I was chasing you all my life
Now I'm even further away
As I fall into this dark hole
I'm decaying now
Soon to wither away

What can I say
Except my coffin is empty
My jewels are gone
My riches never existed
And my loved ones never showed

I had no funeral
I died in vain
I felt so much pain
But soon it was over
Quick to blow over

Dead I may be
Rest I can't find
Rain comes down
But dries up in the ground
I hear no sound

It's lonely down here
But not as lonely as the chase
Here I accept my fate
I'll never find the stars
I'll never be on mars

It's gross and cold
Dark and *****
I didn't even make it to thirty
Before the grass went brown
And I lost my small crown

It was all but fantasy
Because I hate reality
I couldn't accept it
Until it sank slowly into me
I'm buried alone
With no purity
With no love
And most definitely
No hope

Tip
  Tap
Tip
      Tap

I ponder over the puddle

Splish
   Splash
Splish
    S p l a s h

I fall in and crash
I'm but a little fairie
I sure do feel blue
I look unto you
But know not who

   Drip
       Drop
Drip
    Drop

Tears fall down

Tick
  Tick
Tickicky
    Tock
I feel like a rock
Stuck and glossed over
Am I meant to be here
Or in another lake
Sinking forever

Flip
   Flap
Flip
   Flap
I want to find my wings

Blank
   Blank
     Blank

I feel stuck in a lake
Lost my way
Dripping into the puddle
Til it's deeper
Deeper
   Deeper
Deep
From puddle
To lake
Now a ocean
Of emptiness

I'm a purple fairie
Locked in a bottle
Grasping for air
Sinking in despair

I talk of my obscenities
No one listens
Just watching the show
I apologize
I'm here for you
Nothing I do
Is true
Not anymore
My sparkles
Sank to the bottom

Now I'm dripping
Not of Earth
But of tears alone
My puddle is dry
Except for the tears
I had to cry

One day I'll say goodbye
Before I do
Will I ever find
My beautiful shining wings?
I can't escape my bottle
The pressure is too strong
afraid of all I've done wrong

I've been trapped too long
No one wants my fairie song

La
  La
Lala
  Lala

Fix me
Please
Find me
Oh please
Make me
A real fairie

Crying crying
Knees fall down
I'm on the ground

Trying to pick up my pieces
Broken everywhere
I'm so scared

Drunk drunk
Emotions flaring
I can't breathe

I need comfort please
Don't leave me alone
Not this time

Laughing laughing
I'm falling into you
You stand away

I'm so lost
Everything hurts
Where do I go

Fix me
Somebody
Please
Tell me
How I keep going
Without your help
I'm nothing
I'll fall into trouble
And think it's love
Screaming and twisting
But it's warm
And I feel so cold
I can't leave
The cold scares me
I only liked it before
Because you were there
Now I'm alone
And scared

You remembered what I said
Two weeks ago
I didn't even remember it

When I cry and feel sad
You feel bad
And offer comfort

You laugh at my jokes
When they don't make sense
Never pretend

You listen to me
And never complain
Even when I'm a pain

You say sweet things to me
I don't have to beg for it
You state clearly how you mean it

This isn't perfect
By no means
You make me a confused mess

But for once in my lonely life
People have noticed me
And not ran away to hide

They don't forget
Or make fun
They just like me

What's going on?
I wait for the trauma
But they bring no such thing

And so I found you
And told you I liked you
You didn't laugh at me

You were very happy
And bragged about having me
Because I'm cute and sweet

That's what you said
And I almsot beleive it
Because everyday I hear it

Kind words
Not cruelty
Coming from every which way

I feel selfish
Not sure why
I guess having this attention

I feel like it's sin
But I think it's ok
To feel good about myself

Though you confuse me
I thank you, dearly
For you are genuine and like me

And aren't cruel nor a monster
Just a kind, normal man,
Adoring a shy soul.

I lose myself more everyday
I feel less and less
But still pain

Months pass by
Days are gone
All I ask is why

I feel guilty
For I am losing me
But maybe I'm finding something

Someone new
Someone happy
Someone less shrew

I'm becoming emptier
Day by day
But some hope is still in the way

Maybe
Just maybe
I'm growing

Into a person
And not just
A lonely
Sad
Miserable
Shell

It's weird you know,
I could always write poems
About so many crushes
The words flew so easily
The feeling seemed flawless
Always ending terribly

Yet here I am now
Wanting to write about you
Ready to make so many poems
For you
But I'm absolutely speechless

What have you done
I think I love it

I wish I could feel
Something besides
The tearing pain
I'm just a gross stain

I watch them laugh
I watch them love
I watch them believe
I watch them weep

I can't feel anything
I think I'm a fake
My heart is gone
I do not belong

My anxiety has been so high
Everything makes my skin crawl
I want it all to be perfect
I scrub and scrub
It never feels enough

I'll never be enough
Noone talks to me anymore
Everyone has left
I'm not needed I guess
I'm meaningless

I let myself go
I can't handle crying anymore
Lost in tears on the bathroom floor
It's the only place I feel safe
Everywhere else is an empty cave

Nothing brings me joy
Nothing makes me smile
I know I'm truly alone
My head keeps splitting
Why am I not quitting

I lost where this poem was going
It's like my life
It's empty and not really flowing
It bothers me deeply
That I'm ending this
Without any meaning