I sail this ocean alone every night.
While wondering how much longer I'll fight,
to stay above water on top of the waves.  
  No sight of safety not islands or caves.
I'm alone and I'm drowning in my own despair,
please if you hear me then tell me you're there.
Reach out your hand and pull me ashore. 
I won't let it go this time, not like before.
I don't wish to stay here alone every night,
with nothing but my sorrows in this lonely moonlight.

So your a fallen Angel now,
but you're flying high.
Eternally untouchable somewhere in the sky.

You were much to young,
taken much to soon.
Im sorry I wasnt there,
I wish we could have saved you.

But it's to late now
and thats just a fact.
I promise we miss you
and all wish for you back.

If there is a heaven up there in the clouds,
then I know you made it in there
and you're smiling down.  
So be at peace my girl,
this is not the end.
Ill catch you on the flip side,
so for now,

Rest well my fallen friend.

Tattered wings,
now all that remains,
cradled her body,
in her own personal chains.

Trapped and tormented,
her sharp thoughts inside,
remind her she's nothing,
self hate intensified.

Where once she saw beauty,
only blackness remaind,
in the dead of the night,
shadows called her by name.

Whispers surround her,
they beckon from darkness,
she longs to go with them,
but she must remain cautious.

She knows who they are,
and just what they want.
She fought hard to escape them,
she knew they would taunt.

She had washed her hands clean,
and turned her back on them.
She had never wanted,
to see them again.  

With one small misstep,
she will be tumbling down,
no one to catch her,
before she hits the ground.

Laying broken and ******,
and all out of hope,
she wishes for death,
and reaches out for the rope.

Her demons have claimed her,
they have taken her whole.
She tried and she failed,
Crystal **** stole her soul.

If I tried to write a "happy" poem,
I wonder what I'd say?
If the words that spilled upon the page
didn't convey any dismay.
Would it feel foreign to me,
As one who writes from a broken heart?
Or would the words uplift my soul,
could it be my new start?
What would I even write about,
the sun the moon or stars?
Or would I write about long ago,
Before my heart bore any scars?
I'm not sure how or when or why,
but I'd like to change my tone.
And start writing about what makes me smile,
instead of what makes me feel alone.

You know I think the reason we lasted so long,
was because with heartbreak after heartbreak......  

I never ran out of things,
to write
about.

I told him,
"I love the stars,
because they are so far away, and it takes their light millions of years to reach our eyes."
Its impossible to know if the star we are seeing this very moment, is even still a star.  
I told him,
"We are looking into the past in real time when we stargaze."
I told him
I loved the uncertainty.
Because it made me feel things I once hid from.  

I didn't tell him,
That if I can still marvel at a long dead stars light.
Then maybe after I'm long gone,
after the very last photon of my being has gone dark,
maybe theres a chance,
no matter how small,
oneday my light might still be seen.
I told him,
"I love the stars and because of them,
Death doesn't seem so scary"

Beautiful souls all glory and hope,
destroyed within minutes,
all because of the dope.

They didn't see this coming,
it wasn't their wish,
not one single child
hopes to grow up to be this.

The ****** on the corner,
that you judged as you passed.
Do you really believe
she enjoys selling her ***?

And that man sitting homeless
outside of the store,
as a child couldn't imagine
what his life had in store.

The crackhead downtown
or the methhead on hastings,
had bigger things planned
than their current drug cravings.


It does not discriminate
it hasn't a preference,
robbing parents from children
it gains delight from their absence.

Addiction creeps up on you.
You wont see it coming.
Do you think if they knew,
that they still would have done it?

That mother who's child
C.P.S JUST took away,
now fights suicidal ideation
and self hatered everyday.

Because she wanted to raise her.
That child is her little one,
now shes 4 years old
and calls
SOMEONE ELSE

MOM.

See addiction destroys things
people family and homes.
But please try to remember
it's not ALL a fault of their own.

Peer pressure or trauma
or just one BIG mistake.
It was one bad choice yes,
but should it seal their fate?

Please have some compassion,
look past the outside.
See the child that's hurting,
looking out from an addicts eyes.

I broke her heart.

What else is there to say, except,


"I'm Sorry."  
                                      or

             "PLEASE forgive me."
      

                                             "Please know this isnt your fault."

                  



                    "Mommy loves you."




                                                              Hope that trust again will come with time.
    

                                    And

realize that when Mommy says "I'll see you next week"

                                                     Finally,

she really does.

To infinity and beyond
To the moon and back
Until the last star falls
When Google runs out of facts

When Hell freezes over
After pigs can fly
The day I breathe underwater
Once there is no sun in the sky

When the Earth stands still
Or the day all oceans dry
Once every human lives in peace
When no more people die.

Until all of those things have happened
Until those distances are traveled
I will keep on fighting for you
I won't give up on you, my child.

I never could have guessed it,
that addiction would swollow me.
This rabbit hole I've fallen down,
is so **** dark now I can't see.
I want help.
I know that I do,
I make myself sick because,
addiction made them take my kids.


Yet still I sit alone,
getting high
all by myself.
Looking at my future,
now placed high upon a shelf.  
I can no longer reach it,
it's getting higher up the wall.
Or maybe it isn't the shelf that moved,
perhaps its
I
that
began
to
fall?

This addiction keeps pulling me down,
I sink deeper every minute.
I wish I knew how to climb back out,

I wish I wasn't lost in it.

I wish I'd never started down,
the path that lead me here.
But who is it I would be now,
without the past 6 years?
Id be a different person.
Clean?
maybe or maybe not.
But the past 7 years have changed me,



I for sure have learned alot.

This empty seat is for the addicts,
who never made it home.
The ones who lost their battle,
on a long lonley road.
Gone but not forgotten,
we keep them in our hearts.
We remember them in silence,
and the knowledge absence imparts.
They sadly could not win the war,
the one that raged inside.
IVE BEEN THEM
so I know one thing,
   I know they really tried.  
So please dont judge the addicts,
you do not know their fight.
Just pray for peace to their souls,
lost silently every night.

I used to ask all the time
what was wrong with you
But I finally figured out the truth
It was me not you

'Cuz instead of falling in love with you
I fell in love with the lies
It wasn't what you did I loved
I loved that
you said you'd try

I fell for your words of promise
I overlooked your lack of action
And then I would get mad at you
for my dissatisfaction

But really what the problem was
the thing I couldn't see
Was I fell in love with your words  
Not you're reality.

I just wanted to thank you
for just being you
when we are together
I feel something new.
Something I'd been missing
for a number of years now
the light in my smile
you brought back somehow.
So thank you for being there
when I need to talk
for making me laugh
and smiling alot.
Thank you for never judging me
for the things that I share
when I speak openly
thank you for being there.
Thank you for being here
and emotionally supportive
when my personality disorder
has got me distorted.
For understanding when I don't want to talk
and for listening truly
when my thoughts just can't stop.
Thank you for showing me your soft side to
I feel honored to know it
I know not many do.
Thank you for trying to bring my self-worth back
it's been so long without it
I've long felt the lack.
But with you I feel lighter
I can breath and it's calm
this is the feeling I've craved for so long.
So thank you again from the bottom of my heart
Just just being you
right from the start.

"Honestly I didnt think you'd ever "no more" him.
You gave your all and more, back in the day.  From what I've seen in posts, it continued.
You loved the **** out of him, I can only assume that grew ten fold after you had his daughter.  If you're still the same as when I knew you, you wore  your heart on your sleeve towards him."




Yep I did.   I gave him every chance to do what he promised he would, I forgave him more times than he deserved, for things I should never have forgiven.  I made excuses for his actions, not only to myself but to everyone around me, because I was embarrassed with the disrespect I had allowed. I took him back every ******* time, knowing it would probably be exactly the same, simply because I loved him so **** much.
I was unable to **** the last bit of me, that held onto the hope that I was wrong, and that he would change. I was in denial for so long, I balled my eyes out for probably weeks after he left. I jumped anytime my phone made a noise, hoping it was him, hoping he had finally realized what he threw away and was going to come back, and be the guy he pretended he was when we first met. I did everything I could for him, even after he dumped me for some ******.  I even brought them BOTH food and warm clothes and blankets, daily cuz they were homeless. I held onto his stuff as if I was a storage locker, for YEARS, because he refused to come and get it. I tried everything within my power to both make him happy b4 he left me , and then to try to make him remember that he loved me and come back.  I warned him time and time again when I felt myself starting to  lose the desire to fix us.
I begged him that if what he kept saying was true, and he did really want us to work, if he loved me, to please put in ANY amount of effort to show me. The ONLY thing I wanted from him was honesty,  **** I even offered that guy a ******* open relationship! I just wanted the cheating to stop. Which he declined saying he wanted only me, then continued to cheat on me even while I was in the hospital with our newborn baby.  
And it wasn't until I told him I had zero left in me, and I started treating him the way he had always treated me, that he decided to pretend to care. And even then, when I had no more left in me, I still would have taken him back and I told him that, but I said in order to do that I had to see effort, consistently, for a good amount of time. I told him it would take work, lots of time and honesty. And it was all on him from that point forward cuz I was depleted.  And you know what that "man" said to me. He said "Why the hell am I going to try and put in all the effort, when you just said you won't put any effort in. How the hell am I going to be the only one trying"  that. The fact that he refused to be the "only one trying" but he had been completely fine when it was me doing everything. That was when I think I finally started to see it, why the **** did I want him back? What had I been fighting to win back this whole ******* time? Someone who constantly lied cheated yelled at me called me horrible things daily? I tried very hard for a long time to get him to understand and see what he had been doing, but when it really really mattered, when given the possibility to repair everything, he was not interested. Now he keeps saying he misses me, and he's sorry.  I am not sure it's me he misses, more likely it's the help I gave, that he's now finally noticing the lack of. I'm sorry that he is feeling the regret for his actions. But I can't help but wonder if it's caused by the realization of what he did to me, to us, or more likely it's discomfort at the consequences of the choices he made.  I really tried to make us work, I did everything I could. And with the number of times he had to change, the countless opportunities he ignored, that he could have made the choice to try, but he didn't. I begged him so many times, but he never cared, at least not till after i told him i had nothing left in me to give. He broke my heart so many times, and every time I gave him another chance, just for him to go and do it again and again. It broke my heart when I finally realized that I was fighting for something that never existed. I doubt he  understands how hard it was to accept and come to trems with the fact that the man i loved was never real. Or maybe he was, but he is no longer that guy.. The guy that i loved would have never done half of what he did, he wouldnt have hurt me like that. I warned him when i could feel myself getting closer to the point of no return, but he just saw my pleding for help as a manipulation. He was too focused on thinking i was trying to control him all the time, to see that i was only ever trying to help him be the person i knew he could be. I never wanted to control him, but the thing he never understood was that when someone actually loves you, they won't put up with your ****. Its the people that dont care that dont try to correct ****** behavior, because they can't be bothered to. I cared with every bit of my heart and soul. I did. So i tried to help him, but it was only controlling in his eyes. He saw me as a manipulative control freak by the end and he wanted out. In the end he taught me that it is safer to push love down. He made it dangerous to love him. Loving him was destroying me. Im not sure if he fully realized all the damage that was caused by what he had done. I am not sure I'll ever be the girl I was before him, that's not to say it's a bad thing though. He made me smarter, he showed me that I gave my heart away to fast for so little in return, I was naive.  I learned things about life and about myself because of him, and i thank him for that, truly. I will keep the lessons he taught me for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, there isn't anything else I can do at this point.  You know,  I  still remember the day he looked in my eyes and he told me he could never hurt me.  My biggest regret to this day is that because I believed him, I gave him the ability to do just that, over and over again.  I do care about him still, and I probably always will, but I need to protect my heart, I know that now. And it ***** but he had my heart for years. Even after he left me, he still held it. But in all that time, instead of protecting it and cherishing it, he was  the biggest cause of pain to it. So yeah, I care, but he gave me no other choice but to do so from afar. I tried, but when it mattered most, when it could have fixed things, when him caring may have fixed us , he simply didn't want to. And now the point I warned him about for so long is here. I told him that one day he'd wake up and realize what he did, and beg for one last chance. I also told him that it broke my heart, because I knew that by the time that happened, it would already be much much to late. And that days here, and I was right.  Because now I finally see it.  I am way to good for his selfish behavior. I deserve much better. I'm not perfect, and i know that. But i deserve someone who knows they arent perfect either. Someone who wants to help solve any problems that we run into. Someone who sees our disagreement the same way i do, not them against me, but us together against the problem. When I think about the future now, for the first time in almost 8 years, the image I see doesn't include him. Its bitter sweet, because we did have all these plans of our family and how our life was going to go, and those are now gone. But im also greatful that I finally see, I am so much better off with out him.

I sometimes wonder silently
If you even comprehend
The way you makes me feel these days
These days before the end
I am not even human
Just an object to be used
If told I'm not an N.P.C.
I wonder would you be confused?
Our days infact are numbered
I'm not sure how many days are left
So I detatch mentally when we fight
And while you scream I hold my breath
Toxic is our new normal
That's why we can not be
Our time as a couple is long over
There is no more "us" between you and me
Maybe someday you'll understand
What it means to love someone
To be there through their bad and good
Not only there for just their fun
If I could be granted
Just one simple wish
I'd wish for all hearts to heal
So that noone else would ever feel like this
The end is getting closer now
There is no need to pretend
But I promise too remember the good days too
Not just these days before the end.

Non refundable
Non transferable
SOMETIMES returnable
Always exchangeable
at times revocable.

Given to freely
and held by the greedy
Bursting with happiness
while drowning in stress.

Avoided from fear of it
Pursued with a frenzy
Blinding the novice
But gives clear sight to many

Fighting to gain it
Dying to lose it
Fighting to keep it
Striving to stop it
Killing to halt it
Living to give it
Killing to honor it
Dying to take it
Just can't get off of it.

What silly creatures us humans are
Doing silly silly things
for the feel good chemicals it brings
We do and feel all these things
Going beyond and above
Just for LOVE..

Why do I even witre anymore?
for validation and "likes" ?
I used to write just for me,
and I used to love what I write.
But now I feel like every poem,
is **** if it gets no attention.
When did the comments and "likes" all become,
the biggest part of my motivation?
My poems are still raw and real.
My feelings spilled out on a page.
So when no one says they relate with my words,
How can I know that I'm not insane?
Am I the only one in the world,
Who feels the things that I do?
Please, can anyone hear me?
I'm desperate to hear any of you.

Shall I count the days now,
It's 4 thousand 17.
Time is not doing its job,
It's not reduced the pain in me.
Shall I count my tears now,
it's far over 4 thousand 17.
Every day, your memory,
comes back to sit with me.
96 thousand,
four hundred twenty six.
That's the number of hours now,
that you have missed.
Oh, so much has happened,
in the hours you've been gone.
My little girls are growing fast,
they'll be all grow before too long.
Mike and his girlfriend Kendra,
have the cutest ever son.
So I'm auntie Ray-Ray now,
being an aunt is so much fun.
You would have loved baby Jeremy,
he really is quite smart.
And the giggle that kid has,
would have easily stole your heart.
But again, I count the days you're gone,
4 thousand 17.
And I think of all I would have said and done,
if your death had been foreseen.
I could count the minutes,
I could even count the seconds, too.
But all this pointless counting,
doesn't get me closer to you.
As I sit all by myself and talk to an empty room,
I wonder if you're listening and talking to me too.
I wish that I could hear you,
and ask for some advice.
I know you'd know just how I feel,
and how to make things right.
Gut-wrenching soul destroying,
even after eleven ******* years.
I've given up on wondering,
if I'll ever be free from tears.
I miss you uncle I hope you know it,
And I'll forget you NEVER.
Once again, your Tweedy Bird,
Will love you always,
and
forever.

I wait for you at sunrise, while the world is still asleep.
I wonder where you are right now, did you forget we were to meet?
You've been quite forgetful lately, is everything alright?
It seems these days you can not manage, to keep me on your mind.
Meet-ups that just never happen, because something else came up.
Texts and messages left unread, and phone calls not picked up.
Something's changed inside of you, I can see it in your eyes.
Day by day my love has grown,
While your love  slowly died.

There's a city where people are asleep on the streets,
with nothing to eat,
and some of them even lack shoes on their feet.
A city where overdose deaths are the "norm"
People are fighting for the doorways at night to keep warm.
Fentynal is everywhere and the addicts need help,
but with all of the stigma,
they're to ashamed of themselves.
In this city where people smoke drugs on the street,
and burn hand sanitizer at night for the heat.
Where the rents are to high and income assistance to low.
If you can manage the rent here,
there'll be no food in your home.
Moneys not spent on saving their lives,
no its spent on public art and yet another high-rise.
Tourist attractions and random art pieces,
are great when the overdose deaths AREN'T  INCREASING.
We need social programing and addiction resources,  
some good low cost housing or more food supports.
In a city like this what are the addicts to do,
just stay out of your sight,
as to not offend you?
Cops do Illegal searches and seizes,
and your friends tell you about the most recent  Stanley Park beatings.
In the mornings on Hastings Street the city workers come through,
now destruction of homeless peoples belongings ensues.
They can't even protest this or put up a fight,
because the City Workers come armed with VPD by their side.
This city treats homelessness as if it was a crime,
they are treated like **** that is not worth your time.
If you're homeless here dont  expect any respect,
in fact your human rights don't even have an effect.
This city is sick and its priorities need help.
Vancouver B.C you should be ashamed of yourself.

Appreciate lifes little things,
while you've got the time.
Enjoy your days with those you love,
you never know when they may die.
Smile every single chance you get,
So the world remembers you.
And live the biggest adventure you can,
so your regrets dont die with you.
Teach the ones you love the most,
everything you know.
And take any chance you get to learn,
always let your knowledge grow.
Don't be so over proud,
tame your ego a bit.
But do not have such low self respect,
that you let others treat you like ****.
Love with every bit of your soul,
even though someone will break your heart.
Speak with only honesty,
till your end right from the start.
Laugh at every joke you hear,
and every joke you say.
And if you are laughing alone,
keep laughing anyway.
Cry when you are sad,
if you need to shed a tear.
Never hold back your true self,
Just because you have some fear.
Dance when you hear music,
or sing along if you can.
Who cares if you can dance or sing,
you be your own biggest fan.
Take many many pictures on which later to reminisce.
But dont live life through a camera lens,
or you won't notice what you missed.
This is my advice to you,
dear reader and dear friend.
And I hope these words will stay with you,
Long after my life....
ends.

Just as the candles flame will extinguish, with time, soon shall all thoughts of this.
     And as the thoughts,
slowly fade away,
the memories are replaced by better ones made.
     So let the fire slowly die,
but always remember, at least YOU tried.  
     And when you feel regret start to resurface,
remember you were treated as if you were worthless.
     You had to let the fire go out,
don't let loneliness turn your mind to doubt.
     You did the best thing you were able,
given no choice you left the unfaithful.
     You need to remember in times when you miss them, that fixing what's broken is just fanaticism.
     So give up and move on you can do this stay strong,
You know in your gut that you did not choose wrong.

I am hopelessly in love with a memory,
An echo from a far away place.
Though I could see the illusion was slipping,
I tried hard just to dream of your face.
The love story that we had written,
It had such a beautiful start.
I was ready and you'd promised forever,
But then you broke us apart.

Without him I feel lost,
frozen empty and alone.
Im drifting through a barren sea,
helplessly going where wind blows.
I gave up on being rescued,
quite awhile ago.
Hopelessly  alone forever adrift,  
and noone will ever  know.
No guiding lights to aim for,
No lighthouse on the shore.
My will to live is no longer here,
as it was before.
So until the end of time,
I'll drift dark waters alone.
And live the fantasy that we once had,
Him, me, our daughter, and our home.

Empty of my feelings,
Devoid of all emotion.
Is this really how you love me,
After I gave you my devotion?
Cheating lying and all the hate,
Spewing venom in your words.
Begging pleading second chances,
can't you see any of my worth?
I wanted to believe you,
When you promised that you'd try.
But deep down I already knew,
That that was just a lie.
So here you leave me broken down,
Alone and without hope,
I tied the noose around my neck,
then I handed you the rope.
Now numb inside my heart is empty,
I guess that was your goal,
You took everything I had to give,
And then you took my soul.