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Hawley Anne Nov 15
Non refundable
Non transferable
SOMETIMES returnable
Always exchangeable
at times revocable.

Given to freely
and held by the greedy
Bursting with happiness
while drowning in stress.

Avoided from fear of it
Pursued with a frenzy
Blinding the novice
But gives clear sight to many

Fighting to gain it
Dying to lose it
Fighting to keep it
Striving to stop it
Killing to halt it
Living to give it
Killing to honor it
Dying to take it
Just can't get off of it.

What silly creatures us humans are
Doing silly silly things
for the feel good chemicals it brings
We do and feel all these things
Going beyond and above
Just for LOVE..
Hawley Anne Nov 10
I just wanted to thank you
for just being you
when we are together
I feel something new.
Something I'd been missing
for a number of years now
the light in my smile
you brought back somehow.
So thank you for being there
when I need to talk
for making me laugh
and smiling alot.
Thank you for never judging me
for the things that I share
when I speak openly
thank you for being there.
Thank you for being here
and emotionally supportive
when my personality disorder
has got me distorted.
For understanding when I don't want to talk
and for listening truly
when my thoughts just can't stop.
Thank you for showing me your soft side to
I feel honored to know it
I know not many do.
Thank you for trying to bring my self-worth back
it's been so long without it
I've long felt the lack.
But with you I feel lighter
I can breath and it's calm
this is the feeling I've craved for so long.
So thank you again from the bottom of my heart
Just just being you
right from the start.
Hawley Anne Nov 9
"Honestly I didnt think you'd ever "no more" him.
You gave your all and more, back in the day.  From what I've seen in posts, it continued.
You loved the **** out of him, I can only assume that grew ten fold after you had his daughter.  If you're still the same as when I knew you, you wore  your heart on your sleeve towards him."




Yep I did.   I gave him every chance to do what he promised he would, I forgave him more times than he deserved, for things I should never have forgiven.  I made excuses for his actions, not only to myself but to everyone around me, because I was embarrassed with the disrespect I had allowed. I took him back every ******* time, knowing it would probably be exactly the same, simply because I loved him so **** much.
I was unable to **** the last bit of me, that held onto the hope that I was wrong, and that he would change. I was in denial for so long, I balled my eyes out for probably weeks after he left. I jumped anytime my phone made a noise, hoping it was him, hoping he had finally realized what he threw away and was going to come back, and be the guy he pretended he was when we first met. I did everything I could for him, even after he dumped me for some ******.  I even brought them BOTH food and warm clothes and blankets, daily cuz they were homeless. I held onto his stuff as if I was a storage locker, for YEARS, because he refused to come and get it. I tried everything within my power to both make him happy b4 he left me , and then to try to make him remember that he loved me and come back.  I warned him time and time again when I felt myself starting to  lose the desire to fix us.
I begged him that if what he kept saying was true, and he did really want us to work, if he loved me, to please put in ANY amount of effort to show me. The ONLY thing I wanted from him was honesty,  **** I even offered that guy a ******* open relationship! I just wanted the cheating to stop. Which he declined saying he wanted only me, then continued to cheat on me even while I was in the hospital with our newborn baby.  
And it wasn't until I told him I had zero left in me, and I started treating him the way he had always treated me, that he decided to pretend to care. And even then, when I had no more left in me, I still would have taken him back and I told him that, but I said in order to do that I had to see effort, consistently, for a good amount of time. I told him it would take work, lots of time and honesty. And it was all on him from that point forward cuz I was depleted.  And you know what that "man" said to me. He said "Why the hell am I going to try and put in all the effort, when you just said you won't put any effort in. How the hell am I going to be the only one trying"  that. The fact that he refused to be the "only one trying" but he had been completely fine when it was me doing everything. That was when I think I finally started to see it, why the **** did I want him back? What had I been fighting to win back this whole ******* time? Someone who constantly lied cheated yelled at me called me horrible things daily? I tried very hard for a long time to get him to understand and see what he had been doing, but when it really really mattered, when given the possibility to repair everything, he was not interested. Now he keeps saying he misses me, and he's sorry.  I am not sure it's me he misses, more likely it's the help I gave, that he's now finally noticing the lack of. I'm sorry that he is feeling the regret for his actions. But I can't help but wonder if it's caused by the realization of what he did to me, to us, or more likely it's discomfort at the consequences of the choices he made.  I really tried to make us work, I did everything I could. And with the number of times he had to change, the countless opportunities he ignored, that he could have made the choice to try, but he didn't. I begged him so many times, but he never cared, at least not till after i told him i had nothing left in me to give. He broke my heart so many times, and every time I gave him another chance, just for him to go and do it again and again. It broke my heart when I finally realized that I was fighting for something that never existed. I doubt he  understands how hard it was to accept and come to trems with the fact that the man i loved was never real. Or maybe he was, but he is no longer that guy.. The guy that i loved would have never done half of what he did, he wouldnt have hurt me like that. I warned him when i could feel myself getting closer to the point of no return, but he just saw my pleding for help as a manipulation. He was too focused on thinking i was trying to control him all the time, to see that i was only ever trying to help him be the person i knew he could be. I never wanted to control him, but the thing he never understood was that when someone actually loves you, they won't put up with your ****. Its the people that dont care that dont try to correct ****** behavior, because they can't be bothered to. I cared with every bit of my heart and soul. I did. So i tried to help him, but it was only controlling in his eyes. He saw me as a manipulative control freak by the end and he wanted out. In the end he taught me that it is safer to push love down. He made it dangerous to love him. Loving him was destroying me. Im not sure if he fully realized all the damage that was caused by what he had done. I am not sure I'll ever be the girl I was before him, that's not to say it's a bad thing though. He made me smarter, he showed me that I gave my heart away to fast for so little in return, I was naive.  I learned things about life and about myself because of him, and i thank him for that, truly. I will keep the lessons he taught me for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, there isn't anything else I can do at this point.  You know,  I  still remember the day he looked in my eyes and he told me he could never hurt me.  My biggest regret to this day is that because I believed him, I gave him the ability to do just that, over and over again.  I do care about him still, and I probably always will, but I need to protect my heart, I know that now. And it ***** but he had my heart for years. Even after he left me, he still held it. But in all that time, instead of protecting it and cherishing it, he was  the biggest cause of pain to it. So yeah, I care, but he gave me no other choice but to do so from afar. I tried, but when it mattered most, when it could have fixed things, when him caring may have fixed us , he simply didn't want to. And now the point I warned him about for so long is here. I told him that one day he'd wake up and realize what he did, and beg for one last chance. I also told him that it broke my heart, because I knew that by the time that happened, it would already be much much to late. And that days here, and I was right.  Because now I finally see it.  I am way to good for his selfish behavior. I deserve much better. I'm not perfect, and i know that. But i deserve someone who knows they arent perfect either. Someone who wants to help solve any problems that we run into. Someone who sees our disagreement the same way i do, not them against me, but us together against the problem. When I think about the future now, for the first time in almost 8 years, the image I see doesn't include him. Its bitter sweet, because we did have all these plans of our family and how our life was going to go, and those are now gone. But im also greatful that I finally see, I am so much better off with out him.
Hawley Anne Sep 17
I used to ask all the time
what was wrong with you
But I finally figured out the truth
It was me not you

'Cuz instead of falling in love with you
I fell in love with the lies
It wasn't what you did I loved
I loved that
you said you'd try

I fell for your words of promise
I overlooked your lack of action
And then I would get mad at you
for my dissatisfaction

But really what the problem was
the thing I couldn't see
Was I fell in love with your words  
Not you're reality.
Hawley Anne Aug 5
To infinity and beyond
To the moon and back
Until the last star falls
When Google runs out of facts

When Hell freezes over
After pigs can fly
The day I breathe underwater
Once there is no sun in the sky

When the Earth stands still
Or the day all oceans dry
Once every human lives in peace
When no more people die.

Until all of those things have happened
Until those distances are traveled
I will keep on fighting for you
I won't give up on you, my child.
Hawley Anne Jul 28
You were terrified to lose him,
so you lost yourself instead.
You kept on being mistreated,
"I'm used to it" was all you said.
You became the girl that when abused simply said "the fault is mine"
You became the girl who knew the truth but still accepted every lie.
Because it became easier,
to keep your thoughts inside.
So you became the girl who cried alone,
then told everyone "I'm fine"
So much from you was taken,
that you had nothing left to give.
So far past your breaking point,
you became the girl without the will to live.
You became so used to being last,
by putting everyone else first.
You became the girl barely in the race,
because you were running it reverse.
Your time and love was wasted,
given to undeserving men.
They only lied; hurt and cheated you
then they left you out for dead.
You were so terrified to lose him,
that you lost yourself instead.
But I wonder if you went back in time,
Would you make the same choice again?
Hawley Anne Jun 29
I sometimes wonder silently
If you even comprehend
The way you makes me feel these days
These days before the end
I am not even human
Just an object to be used
If told I'm not an N.P.C.
I wonder would you be confused?
Our days infact are numbered
I'm not sure how many days are left
So I detatch mentally when we fight
And while you scream I hold my breath
Toxic is our new normal
That's why we can not be
Our time as a couple is long over
There is no more "us" between you and me
Maybe someday you'll understand
What it means to love someone
To be there through their bad and good
Not only there for just their fun
If I could be granted
Just one simple wish
I'd wish for all hearts to heal
So that noone else would ever feel like this
The end is getting closer now
There is no need to pretend
But I promise too remember the good days too
Not just these days before the end.
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