no matter how hard i try

how many times i wash my hands

how many times i check the expiration date

how many times i knock on wood

                    five times five

repeat

                    five times five

repeat

                    five times five

repeat

                five times five
          
                             five times five...

I have gained five  kilograms

My brain is buzzing

I need it to go

I just want to disappear

Make myself small

Find me in the space between strength and frailty

Strong yet weak

The ache in my stomach motivates me to keep going
The steadily decreasing number on the scale makes the hunger pains and sleepless nights, the bruises on my vertebrae

I slip up
I cry
The walls close in

The cycle starts again

the watercolour bleeding
into acrylic vermillion paint

the brush strokes of our lives
blending to create

a beautiful piece of art
made by our own two hands

if only your watercolour
could stain my hands

a residual mark
of the love that we could share

but all i'm left to do
is dream of something

that isn't there

A letter to the girl I love
The opening of my soul
She is the sensation of passing cars
Hard to grasp
Constantly moving
A flash before your eyes
She is the cooling rain that tears the sky in two
Rushing over me
Her very presence
But what a shame
That’s she doesn’t feel the same for me
Unrequited love
She is like honey and chamomile
Her very voice and laugh
Bringing me a sense of joy
I think I see it in her eye as well
Or do I ?

your touch is like moss
cool and soft
evergreen and careful

but i am magma
sharp justting stones
and barbed wire fences

how is it that you voice flows like water
while mine is in all caps

I want to slash at my skin with the same intensity that the beehive in my skeletal frame has when the worker bees attempt to seal all the broken parts of me sickly sweet

I want to scream so that It goes hoarse because if I’m not being heard what’s the point of having one anyway

I want to take the weight of their spines lift the broken onto my shoulders so that the shrapnel embedded feet they own no longer have to sink deeper
Embedded further

I want to feel love like the love my parents have in the subtle ways  that they check in on each other
In the small favours, they do for each other

More so

I want to hear her voice say the words I have always longed to hear the words that I know won’t be said the words that are difficult to comprehend

I crave our touch more than I crave the fullness.

My arms reach out for you when you're not by my side.

Head on my chest, body under mine.

I like it when you look at me in that fascinating way.

Examining me so intensly

you come undone by my touch.

Shudder and bloom.

I ache for you.

my skin burns at the thought of your fingertips
molten lava inside my veins
parched lips wanting you...

when I get stuck in my own thoughts
deeper and deeper into my own head
the compulsions become stronger
five times five times five
I repeat until it feels alright
until the iron vest on my chest loosens
until my hands bleed from overwashing
I'm finally clean
until I slip further
and further again
repeat

not many people have seen me cry
fragmented and undone
but sometimes when the war seems to much
the side that is tears
has won

the rhythm of my heart
and the rising of my chest with each breath
anchors me to this world
that i call my own

sometimes i can hear the roaring
in my ears
and the ticking of the clock

losing my beloved rythm
the tuning fork of this world is faulty

why else would there be so much
destruction and violence

why can't people just love on e another
instead of taking their words and pelting
them like missiles
obliterating the remaining confidence and security in our souls

'sticks and stones may break my bones'  
'but words will never hurt me'

is a false statement because when those words
come from people you trust and love
it seems like nothing
can ever rebuild the cracked porcelain

that is your facade...

She walked on coals to feel the warmth, the warmth that had been stolen from her soul. Flint against steel, sparks dying . Burnt fingertips and blistered skin.

Then she found the one to build up her fire, the one who had the power to produce flames through their hands. Igniting the spots their fingertips touched.

But then the fire was gone, stolen heat burning her from the inside out. Stifling heat overtaking her mind and soul.

Too much to bear, she extinguished her flame. Only ash, no more burns.

No more kindling.

little girl wants a monster truck
little boy wants a fairy doll
forbidden
little girl wants to be a boy
little boy wants to be a girl
doors closed and eyes closed
wishing for a brighter tomorrow
closet doors creaking open
light shining in
closet doors jammed open

Life has me feeling so very hollow
Too full in need to purge the oily **** out of my veins
Carve it out
Cleaner
Cooler
Calmer .

Always be on the lookout
In case someone sees you holding your girlfriends hand
Be wary of those who claim that god loves everyone but objectify you for your sexuality
Always maintain your composure when someone mentions the idea of your sexuality being a ‘kink’
And finally find your people
The ones who offer a rope down the dark well that is your mind
The ones who give you light
The ones who uplift

They tell you to not give in
And so far I haven’t
For that I am proud

You stare up at me with those hungry eyes, drinking me in.

Those rose-bud lips parted, breathless.

I will never get enough of your honey sweet nectar.

Everytime we undress I find a new freckle, a new undiscovered place.

Tracing the valleys of your hips, your waist.

Chest heaving, I open myself for you

I am a constantly changing tide, feeling one way in one moment and another in the next.
I wonder about the stars, burning meteorites that are slowly sizzling out.
I hear the clock, a sound of wasted moments in time tick, tick, ticking.
I see the good in people no matter whom; human beings do things for a reason wether its love, fear or safety.
I want to feel comfortable in my skin and for my brain to be able to come up for air.
I am a constantly changing tide, feeling one way in one moment and another in the next.

I pretend to stay calm while inside my mind the whirring windmill keeps turning.
I feel the need to be like a flower opening myself up to the suns positivity and blocking out the negatives.
I touch the little bird nestled in my chest urging it to fly to freedom.
I worry for events that may never happen riding the wave of panic until it dwindles.
I cry for moments where I didn’t take the leap, times of fear that limited me.
I am a constantly changing tide, feeling one way in one moment and another in the next.

I understand that it won’t always be ok and that during these times the little bird may falter.
I say that it’s going to be alright and that this moment shall pass.
I dream of the day the little bird finds its wings, finally taking flight.
I try to inspire others, teaching them to find their inner birds.
I hope to someday inspire others, to make a world of birds free to fly.
I am a constantly changing tide, feeling one way in one moment and another in the next.

If someone were to ask me
what my ideal world would be
I wouldn't be able to answer.

There are no words to describe
how the rain fell that night
the bitter sting of hail on bare skin
summer attire.

That moment
that memory
is what my ideal world would be.

The overwhelming sensations
the sting of the harsh wind
the fireworks exploding behind my eyes as our lips touched.

If anger was a colour
what would it be?

stereotypical blush red
or would it be
the black slashes on a page

the its overs and the i'm sorry's

maybe its the grey of an oncoming storm
waiting for it to move on

If only it were that easy
to describe emotions
s  e  n  s  a  t  i  o  n  s
and feelings

but in reality
you can't

because we as human beings
are much more complex

we are the changing currents
and rolling waves

blending into one

I love you.
Have you eaten ?
I love you.
How did that assignment go in the end ?
I love you.
There’s kombucha in the fridge
I love you.
There’s this song I think you’ll like
I love you.
Did you get home okay?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

We opened ourselves to eachother
like roses in the morning sun.

We traced the planes of our bodies
skin on skin.

You did not care about the self made valleys
nestled on my hip
my pelvis.

You love every inch of me
the good and the bad.

I open myself for you...

TW- ed


I was shrinking and no one saw it
I was fading into the background and no one intervened
What do you do when no one is watching you dissolve into yourself?

They complimented my body
They validated my feelings of needing to be smaller
What do you do when you no longer feel hunger?

They fed into the story I wrote with comments about how good I was for not eating "junk" food.
What do you do when food becomes a fear?

it started in your bones
it ended in your heart
I miss your bright smile
I miss your cackling laugh
they told you it was time to say your last goodbyes
what do you do when your loved one dies?
you were a supernova in a world of stars
embracing everything that fell into your arms
the pears in the bathroom
the stuffed tigers on the shelf
its the story of my childhood
you taught me to love myself
an armchair and a gentle man
a woman full of joy
a godmother me
a  bakery near my home
the years grow in length, time passes
you're still gone
I haven't seen you in a while, I can't bring myself to see
the stone anchored in the ground where your head would be
do you still see us?
up in that heavenly place
do you still bless us, with your heavenly grace
I still message your phone
though I know you won't receive it
and
I can't bring myself to believe it
I've got the photos, the videos, and the proof
of a beautiful existence
but it's with a heavy heart that I say you're gone
it's not fair that you left so soon
so I close my eyes
and imagine you're in the room

Let us go into the field
where peonies bloom and the dappled sun hits our skin

Let us go into the field
where kisses are akin to blossoms in spring

Let us go into the field
where the apples of our relationship lay untouched and protected

Let us go into the field
where even on the slate grey rain kind of days we can lie together

Let us go into the field
where our story began and our complication began

Let us go into the field
where we can repair the torn seams in the fabric that was us

Let us go into the field...

lost boy where do you go
when the sun is hiding
lost boy
you say your'e alone
but you aren't willing to let your fear go
lost boy
i hope you know that i will be here
and won't let go
lost boy
i see the black crow
latched onto your weakened soul
lost boy
that crow he tells you so
that if you go no one will know
oh
lost boy
i hate that crow

There was a fire in her eyes









But then she met the MONSTER BOY









And that fire

D

I

E

D

The monster boy ATE her soul

And tore her I  n  t  o

                           Pieces

For the MONSTER BOY

Thought it would make his own s o u l

Cleaner

His FIRE GIRL turned to

                                           Ash her spark was all but

                                                                                                 G

                                                                                                 O

                                                                                        N

                                                                                        E

MONSTER BOY wept

                                      So h a  r  d

his heart valve went and

                                                                                                     B u r s t

He tried to fill her with life......

But his FIRE GIRL was

g            n

      o                e ...

can i turn back time
and start again
drown me in holy water
cleansing me from the inside out
let the ashes of my form
float like morbid confetti
over me
opening my mouth to catch
the part of me that
i once held dear
my blackened fingertips
reaching for the universe
hoping one day i can be
a part of that ageless space
drifting in a place i call
home
the neon hands of fate
just an inch away
but the gravity of my situation
pulls me deeper
in the sea of my consiousness