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JV Beaupre May 2016
Canto I. Long ago and far away...

Under the bridge across the Kankakee River, Grampa found me. I was busted for truancy. First grade. 1946.

Summer and after school: Paper route, neighborhood yard work, dogsbody in a drugstore, measuring houses for the county, fireman EJ&E railroad, janitor and bottling line Pabst Brewery Peoria. 1952-1962.

Fresh caught Mississippi River catfish. Muddy Yummy. Burlington, Iowa. 1959. Best ever.

In college, Fr. ***** usually confused me with my roommate, Al. Except for grades. St. Procopius College, 1958-62. Rats.

Coming home from college for Christmas. Oops, my family moved a few streets over and forgot to tell me. Peoria, 1961.

The Pabst Brewery lunchroom in Peoria, a little after dawn, my first day. A guy came in and said: "Who wants my horsecock sandwich? ****, this first beer tastes good." We never knew how many he drank. 1962.

At grad school, when we moved into the basement with the octopus furnace, Dave, my roommate, contributed a case of Chef Boyardee spaghettios and I brought 3 cases of beer, PBRs.  Supper for a month. Ames. 1962.

Sharon and I were making out in the afternoon, clothes a jumble. Walter Cronkite said, " President Kennedy has been shot…”. Ames, 1963.

I stood in line, in my shorts, waiting for the clap-check. The corporal shouted:  "All right, you *******, Uncle and the Republic of Viet Nam want your sorry *****. Drop 'em".  Des Moines. Deferred, 1964.

Married and living in student housing. Packing crate furniture. Pammel Court, 1966.

One of many undistinguished PhD theses on theoretical physics. Ames. 1967.

He electrified the room. Every woman in the room, regardless of age, wanted him, or seemed to. The atmosphere was primeval and dripping with desire. In the presence of greatness. Palo Alto, 1968.

US science jobs dried up. From a mountain-top, beery conversation, I got a research job in Germany. Boulder, 1968. Aachen, 1969.

The first time I saw automatic weapons at an airport. Geneva, 1970.

I toasted Rembrandt with sparkling wine at the Rijksmuseum. He said nothing. Amsterdam International Conference on Elementary Particles. 1971.

A little drunk, but sobering fast: the guard had Khrushchev teeth.
Midnight, alone, locked in a room at the border.
Hours later, release. East Berlin, 1973. Harrassment.

She said, "You know it's remarkable that we're not having an affair." No, it wasn't. George's wife.  Germany, 1973.

"Maybe there really are quarks, but if so, we'll never see them." Truer than I knew.  Exit to Huntsville, 1974.

On my first day at work, my first federal felony. As a joke, I impersonated an FBI agent. What the hell? Huntsville. 1974. Guess what?-- No witnesses left! 2021.

Hard work, good times, difficult times. The first years in Huntsville are not fully digested and may stay that way.

The golden Lord Buddha radiated peace with his smile. Pop, pop. Shots in the distance. Bangkok. 1992.

Accomplishment at work, discord at home. Divorce. Huntsville. 1994. I got the dogs.

New beginnings, a fresh start, true love and life-partner. Huntsville. 1995.

Canto II. In the present century...

Should be working on a proposal, but riveted to the TV. The day the towers fell and nearly 4000 people perished. September 11, 2001.

I started painting. Old barns and such. 2004.

We bet on how many dead bodies we would see. None, but lots of flip-flops and a sheep. Secrets of the Yangtze. 2004

I quietly admired a Rembrandt portrait at the Schiphol airport. Ever inscrutable, his painting had presence, even as the bomb dogs sniffed by. Beagles. 2006.

I’ve lost two close friends that I’ve known for 50-odd years. There aren’t many more. Huntsville. 2008 and 2011.

Here's some career advice: On your desk, keep a coffee cup marked, "No Whining", that side out. Third and final retirement. 2015.

I occasionally kick myself for not staying with physics—I’m jealous of friends that did. I moved on, but stayed interested. Continuing.

I’m eighty years old and walk like a duck. 2021.

Letter: "Your insurance has lapsed but for $60,000, it can be reinstated provided you are alive when we receive the premium." Life at 81. Huntsville, 2022.

Canto III: Coda

Honest distortions emerging from the distance of time. The thin comfort of fading memories. Thoughts on poor decisions and worse outcomes. Not often, but every now and then.

(Begun May 2016)
Hidden Glade Jan 2019
16
little
lines.

8 that bled
8 that disappointed

Cutting is bad. Self-harm is pain. Bottling is pointless.
Cutting is pain. Self-harm is pointless. Bottling is effective.
Cutting is pointless. Self-harm is effective. Bottling isn't' working.
Cutting is effective. Self-harm isn't working. Bottling was fuel.
Cutting isn't working. Self-harm was fuel.
Cutting was fuel. Self-harm is empty.
Suicide is.

Where am I?
How many lines until the end?
Some stuff  I wrote the night after I first self-harmed.
A rough couple of years later and I'm a changed person.
Glad I never made it to the end of the line.
Amanda Stoddard Apr 2014
my blood boils over the edge as every word
that spills from your lips is volcanic ash piercing my skin
and how is one supposed to stay calm
when my life has been spent bottling up
way more than I can hold,
this routine is getting old.
I can't take the constant trembling of my upper lip
and quivering of my limbs
I'm not too sure how long I can hold this in.
I take two steps back and inhale deep
but it's still not enough to help me
rid of these demons that won't let me sleep.
Every ******* waking moment
is spent fighting a war I didn't sign up for.
I was involuntarily shipped out
to surroundings unknown and places unseen
in my mind is only chaos and blatant disorder.
So **** the fact I can't think clear enough
to jot down the words exploding from my mind,
but I have a right to explode...
I have kept my cool for far too long.
My mental stability will be revolutionized,
I have the right to do so.
Brian Oarr Jul 2012
"And then taking from his wallet
an old schedule of trains, he'll say
I told you when I came I was a stranger
I told you when I came I was a stranger."
                                        --- Leonard Cohen

I'm the most surprised person on the planet.
Your coming to see me off at the airport
has my mind scratching glass seeking words.
Why is it that in this relationship,
you seem to have gotten all the speaking parts?
You're well aware that I have loved you
for the better part of two years,
bottling that emotion, afraid to pop the cork.
Your eyes implore mine, rotating like
a searchlight over Baghdad seeking
the stealth laying carnage to your heart.
Twice in the last week you've made it evident,
the Grail was mine, but for the drinking ---
That and finding a shorthand for adultry.
I'm guilty courting the love of a married woman,
made worse, you're here at my departure
telling me we aren't free to choose who we love.
I know my desire must die of thirst,
so I turn, boarding pass in hand,
the last words I ever hear from you,
Write me! --- Thirty-five years later I have.
DieingEmbers Mar 2013
A
hot water bottle
is
a poor substitute
for
warmth
Hopi Butler Nov 2011
I bury myself deeper
Hiding my true self
I drown out the sound
Of my selves crying out
I bottle up my fears
My worries
My confusion
I store my feelings
Trusting only God, pen and paper
I hide my tears
Behind a fake smile
Letting no one see
The pain I’m in
Letting no one see
The nightmare I’m stuck in
Eyes holding back my past
My transgressions
My secrets
So I continue on
Carrying the dead man’s weight
Slowly, ever so slowly
Crawling towards
The crimson light
Scott Howard Jan 2014
I love to get drunk.
I love to get wasted, hammered,
plastered, intoxicated,
white girl, ****-faced drunk.

I have many stories about getting drunk,
from racing up the street and back naked because I lost another bet
being stripped down and thrown into a
shower after vomiting on myself,
or having *** with a ******* my friend’s couch
(I call it my *** couch now).

Okay so most of them I end up naked
But that’s the glory of ***** my friends!
Enough can make you feel like you have clothes on
when in fact you clearly do not have clothes on,
(We know, it’s cold, no one is looking at you’re **** anyways),
It can make you think you’re dance moves are on point,
Give you strength to punch a dent in a fridge because you thought someone was talking **** about you’re friend when really they were just talking about skateboarding,
It can even give you the courage to walk over to that really really
cute girl and tell her how much you want to put it in her ****.

The point of me telling you all of this is that some people have given alcohol a bad rep.
Obviously all the people who drunk drive and get into accidents.
But no, I’m talking about people like… the douchy frat boy who gets obnoxiously drunk, calls everyone a *** even though he’s probably a closet homosexual, who borderline tries to **** girls with his big muscles and amazing ability to care so much about football. By the way, I’m not you’re ******* bro.

Or the dumb girl who thinks she can drink a million shots and be okay, the one girl that pop punk bands always sing about, who end up puking everywhere, or sleeping with the douchy frat boys while all their friends call her a ****, and then she’ll make a post on facebook about how all guys are douchbags, among the other dumb **** she posts on facebook like stupid life quotes such as #YOLO

Or even the hipster who has ruined drinking PBR in public forever.
(No, I’m not a hipster, I just go to art school and PBR is cheap, you *******.)

And to those stuck up individuals who tell me that drinking is bad and I should feel bad: ******* and the high horse you rode in on. Saying I’m an alcoholic is saying that I have more fun then you. I have never met an interesting person who doesn’t drink. If you don’t drink, you’re a boring **** and all you’re stories ****. They all end with, “And then I got home.”

Alcohol was God’s way of telling us the world’s a ****** place, so he took a little bit of heaven and bottled it up for us, and if you believe any of this you’re probably drunk; Not the part about bottling up heaven, the part about God existing. But if I was you’re god, I would sprinkle wine out into the night so when you looked up at it to wither time away with questions to me you’d be so drunk with the moment and forget about being saved. Because life isn’t about heaven and hell, it’s about living and being alive and being drunk with the people you love.
emm Jan 2018
a sudden whirlwind of emotions,
like a chain has been cut to swing,
my sadness and fear and anger appear,
leaving nothing in its place; not a thing.

i know i can change this; talk to people, i know
but for some reason i cant let anything go.

maybe one day i will learn, maybe i never will,
but as long as my tears keep building
i know that my strength will as well.
cassie sky Oct 2012
Catapulted
Into the world unknown
Surrounded by strangers
No friends; no foes
My mind is held captive
In the distant place
That I call home
I’ve been stuck here for years
Wasted wandering
I weep for the lies I’ve kept
As I leap for the life I left
Sabila Siddiqui Dec 2018
Absorbing the pain
letting nothing spill.
I feel the alluring darkness
enwrapping me with its wings.
Overriding my words
by the whispers in my head;
making me push people away
to keep them at bay.
I guess this is how darkness wins
by telling you to keep it all
to yourself.
Benji James Jun 2017
Do you hurt the way I do?
Can you feel love?
Should everybody know,
how does it feel to be loved?
Can you see?
Can you see all the hatred I see?
Would you be,
would you be there for me?

All these questions,
in our heads
All these thoughts,
come flooding in
Tell me what you're feeling, yeah
Tell me what you're thinking, yeah
Let's lay our troubles down,
lets let it all out
Instead of bottling it up
And carrying it around.

Do you feel?
Do you feel the frustration?
Are you sick?
Are you sick of straining?
Does your energy,
Does your energy feel like it's draining?
What are people saying?
Are they saying you are
taking everything in vein?
(MMMM)
Tell me everything,
Tell me all that's on your mind.

All these questions,
in our heads
All these thoughts,
come flooding in
Tell me what you're feeling, yeah
Tell me what you're thinking, yeah
Let's lay our troubles down,
lets let it all out
Instead of bottling it up
And carrying it around.

Do your thoughts,
do your thoughts keep you awake real late?
Tell me is there,
is there a solution for what you're feeling, yeah
(MMMM)
Can you see?
Can you see there are people
who want to be there
Can you trust?
Can you trust in another person's love?
Can you confide?
Can you confide in another person's heart?
Do you know,
do you know there's someone to help you out there, yeah

All these questions,
in our heads
All these thoughts,
come flooding in
Tell me what you're feeling, yeah
Tell me what you're thinking, yeah
Let's lay our troubles down,
lets let it all out
Instead of bottling it up
And carrying it around.

©2017 Written By Benji James
alienobserver May 2014
I´ve never felt this way,
Dying all the time,
Bottling up my sorrow
So I wouldn´t cry everywhere.

Putting my head up,
To avoid the tears from overflowing
My eyes, which didn´t open
Everytime I left my house.

Holding my breath,
So I could turn invisible
To anyone and everyone,
Everywhere I´d go.

I´ve never felt this way,
It´s made me feel like
Going back home.
Julia Lane Oct 2013
I get it, my problems aren't that bad.
Worse things happen to better people everyday.
I live in a costal, wealthy, yatch club town,
Officially an only child,
With my judgmental sister spending her freshman year in Manhattan.
I live with my favorite parent,
who doesn't care what fun I have
as long as I'm honest and safe,
and of course I get my schoolwork done,
and the other who drives me insane
is fortunately not in the same area code as me.

But it hurts
To be the listener for the people who created me
As they speak horrible things about each other,
Express their loathing for one another.

To be so broken
And not to know what do to about it..
Self abuse is in my rearview,
but I just hate talking about myself so much.
I've gotten really good at bottling up
And moving on
Just letting my bad thoughts and feelings
Dissolve into worthlessness.

But sometimes it ***** to be alone.

I just wish you were here to tell me I'm not
and that you love me.
Bryce Dec 2018
I, naive

I believed that the break in the clouds
Was the end of rain

Thought those rays of sun weren't burning

I was lying
Myself in the grass,
Asking if the tulip chutes in Anatolia
Were the same sinking green I feel now

Where were we?
Love for a thousand spaces and bottling them into skins
Wanted to touch and know deeply all beautiful things

No you're not allowed, they don't want to let you in
That way, it's a distant place and means too much to understand
The biological and irrational
Crazed, sweeps gregarity above and within an aether-- like milky foam upon the waves

When I return home from excursions
I will be Ipanema
The soft locale, unabashed and known to no soul
Except empty elevators--

The lowly philosopher-king

Maybe then you'll think highly of me
Through the mixed feelings
Unable to handle
Straight through the socket
Ring of fire
Then and only then will you realize
That real life

Is more than just a zone or some local
Brewery on a Friday night

And every other Friday night

Ever thereafter--
You'll unlock the box of atomic intention
And listen deeply to her on the station
"Sade and Other Like Hits"

Slowed down for full potential

Letting your cochlea stroke themselves off to the tune of the universe
And the sound of air moving indiscriminately
Will give you
All this


Somewhere
almost fractal, imbibed
Decimated repetitively
There is a fragment of my voice,
Calling

"Love, how much I'd love to be. "
Kalliope Apr 2018
I remember bottling up the beach for you since you've never been.
To you it's just sand.
It was more than just sand to me
ThisIsMe May 2014
I used to think courage meant keeping everything to your self
That strength was bottling things up to deal with on your own
That crying was weakness and vulnerability was foolish
It’s not.
Somehow you’ve managed to teach me that
Courage is sharing your burdens and
Real strength is sharing your soul
Even if tears fall as you do it
And you’re left feeling more vulnerable than ever.
Thank You.
AStarsHeartbeat Jul 2017
Repressing emotions is kinda my thing
See I don't have any artistic talent so painting a picture of my sadness would only cause more stress
I have a certain degree of athleticism but running when you want to cry is a losing battle (trust me)
Poetry helps distract for a few minutes but writing truth can make facing it harder
And talking? To people? About my sadness??? Don't be silly, my friends are awful at hiding both their pity and their boredom and neither one is welcome
And my parents would tell me to stop being over dramatic which is even more unwelcome
So yeah, I keep everything buried for as long as possible and when it emerges I say I'm tired and cry in the shower
Aditya Bhaskara Oct 2012
Long back once
I was a God
I painted some lovely birds
on the greenest trees
which stood by the most beautiful river
that had vivacious flowers
all along its grassy banks
I brought all this to life

people saw all of it and admired
then they thought it'd be
the sweetest, purest water
and they built a bottling plant by riverside
as if their thirst was deep rather than large
they plucked flowers and adorned houses
as if their paints were not bright enough,
they brought flowers to weddings and parties too
as if the mood and purpose were never up to mark,
they caught the birds and put them into cages
as if their free wings made people resent own servitude
they cut down trees to make skyscrapers
as if their life spans were ever eternal

and when they distorted whatever was all my hard work
they came with gloated hearts to temples and churches
they sang glorious hymns and offered construed prayers,
and in almost a state of self-praise they told me how noble I was
for I endowed them with capabilities none could ever fathom
Cooking up a blizzard.
Lost and unguided tendrils of space hold me captive,
the trebles of your heart beating
leads me back to my my Home.
That infinite gaze of yours into my dilapidated eyes,
is like a portal to you to look into my soul.
You blanket all my darkness
With your semi-pixie cut.
You’re my tree of knowledge
I bask in it’s shade.
Powdered Sugar coating on cupcakes.
Your silk armour protects your vulnerability,
My sincere apologies to all the arrows that gaped through.
Cover me under your angel wings,
Dab away my streaming reservoirs and replace them
with pollen and sweet nectar.
Your wishbone sacramental daydreams and dreams.
I feel so lost without you.
Bandage my old wounds with your tender hands,
Kiss me with your lush lips
sending jolts of star dust upstream,
within my veins dancing with yours palpitating feet.
My shot of euphoria and bleeding antidote.
My poetry.
You, Kalon.
Let’s raise a toast to your
beauté remarquable éternel, mon soleil
your free spirit,
your beauty of a ghost,
your heart racing with joy,
your heart steaming up with reticent sadness,
build up anger that come crashing down
like a typhoon detaching from the human perspecta.
I miss you.
Your emotional mess and literal mess,
I’m your magic broom.
You, my inspiration.
You, my groove.
You, my you.
You. My everyone and everything.
You’re fun filled supressed omnipresent electric feel.
You, The only Solis in my galaxy.
I love you.
Sharing your grandoise orangy tinge yellow light.
Bottling up a few star
in a bottle of red wine,
For her Luna.
Solis is 21 a (000,000,000) today.
**You’re irreplacable.
Happy birthday my best friend/my lover.
Nathan Wilson Dec 2015
She just runs around all day.
At night she can't sleep.
I watch her as she stops to weep.
She's feeling overwhelmed but keeps to herself.
Bottling it all up on the top shelf.
So I just watch her unravel.
As she travels.
Through this grey, ugly life.
I wish that I could help with the strife.
But she just passes me by.
Nat Lipstadt Jun 2023
I am a Taken Poet ~ “The Wreckage of Your Silent Reverie”^

<6:45 AM Sat June 3>

again and again, a peculiar lyric
more than provokes, ******, injects,
no mere head buzzing, sledgehammer
beheaded, no under skin, in my pores,
shedding,reabsorbed, replaying the replay,
until I, will-less, commanded endlessly,
induced, besplay my irritants into my
“take,” for I am an overtaken poet, searching relief

too well, the wreckage refuse of these
silent reveries consume us, and I shriek,
contemplating the years of holey falling,
not hours or days, not weeks or months,
spent in rigorous dreams, facing & escaping,
my guilts, my fork failures, bottling & pouring,
with no relief from screams, head-banging,
nightmare visitations and inarticulate moans

until they form words, projectile ejected,
pollutants upon a clean, white background,
and dispatched to the heavens or nether land,
and to you, here in poem form that brings but a
modicum crumb of relief that empties, buying
time, knowing full well, my cup runneth over and
fresh replacement troops are eager, readily available,
by joining the seesaw border war, splitting my halves

my halves for I am not whole, I am deboned,
and slices fall off of these trough of words,
these statements of fact & fission, uninformed forms,
even worse, formed formlessness reciting repetitive,
inescapable  escapades, dead-ended hell highways,
these poems, all carcasses of me, roadside ****, until,
someone unseen, unknown invisible, removes them
to the largest refuse pile in world, a inutile poem heap

even this epistolary of diary entries offered down for
your bemusement, my expulsionary relief, give but
the briefest analgesic, and a newest version of an oldest
reverie, old friend, comes like the unending beeping,
of a dying battery of a fire alarm, squeaking, unrelenting,
unresponsive to curses or begging till the last ounce
of its energy is consumed, so too I, impatient squeak words,
too many contemptuously familiar yet well hid in new combos,

temporarily pulled from the wreckage of my silent reverie


~~~~~~~~~~~~<7:45 AM>~~~~~~~~~~~~

^ “Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here”

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Sarah Mclachlan
gray overcast chilly Saturday morn,
listening to the chirping of a dying battery,
reminding me of my mortality and
my other stuff.
They say we're ****** up
They believe there's no hope for us
They think we need help
They know we're out of control.

Our problems seem fickle
To them
Our worries and insecurities
A passing phase

When we fight and defend
Ourselves
Rebellious and hellish
Is what we seem
Though really all we want is
Independence and
A sense of respect
In a world that's against us
The forlorn teens bottling it in.
Our generation are having a really tough time expressing themselves.....
Etta James Feb 2010
I felt the fury rippling inside

Trying to contain it was like holding back the tide

To unleash the wrath, the fury, the power,

to see my enemies beg on their knees and cower

I wanted it more than anything

No, right now I wanted it more than everything

I was tired of bottling it up

Tired of acting and playing the grown-up

I was through with being “mature”

Being myself I would much rather prefer

Than putting on a show

And trying to be someone I don’t know

If I added just one more thing to my load

I was sure I was going to explode

Nothing could stop me- I was going to blow

And I didn’t care what the destruction would look like tomorrow
Copyrighted by author
AE Jan 2022
The way in which we cower away
From desolate words
Yet we dream of bottling them up
To wear as perfume
We carry with us to ports and piers
Where the wind and water waltz
And take our hands in a line dance
Where fire can never touch the surface
So, it lives deep in our hearts
These are the ways I dream of our
unconventional circumstances
Wishing them into happenstances
That could possibly bloom into purposeful love

but I fix clocks, and no matter how hard I try,
I can't change time


...Don't forgive me, just don't forget me...
That Girl Oct 2012
Another ordinary day
Or so seems from the
Outside I portray
I'm so content on the outside
While my whole inside is
Dark and grey
My enemies reflect magnify
And measure my flaws
My friends are hurting from the pain that cancers cause
It's not just one
It's so many building up
It's time to fix all this
I've had enough

I try to take matters
Into my own hands
Refuse to listen to
Gods perfect plan
I try to perfect my self
Craving for escape
And when I cave in
It's not even worth the taste
The numbers don't match up
And this is getting tough
It's all these things inside me
All bottling up
I've got to fix this all
It's getting so rough

I peer into the eyes of uncertainty loss an hurt
I try to stay open
when others slam you out
I can see what your going through
I know what hurt is all about
I want to show who
Is helping me
But when I'm falling fast
What example can I be
Fix this please!

No one getting any sleep
Im losing fire inside of me
I need some oxygen
I need to breathe

You're losing hope again
The smiles are just pretend
You need a rescuer
You need to be set free
Nat Lipstadt Aug 2014
throughout the day,
most oft at night,
start to say,
stop short,
painful for crying out loud thoughts,
shoutouts to any passing god

things that need to the air
be exposed,
but not to ears that
well, what could they say...

so stutter-stop
the bottling inside,
periodic fizz escaping,
and even poetry
cannot help
for it does over and over again,
end up as crumpled papers,
litter of the head,
halves, this's and that's,
even this one dies here and now*

~~~~~~~

irony delicious,
that litter sounds so literary,
so added débris,
lest my mangy constructions
manage to confuse you

the litter in question,
is your host's hors d'oeuvre
nibbles of works,
half-started, half-finished,
like rooms to let,
that come only half-furnished,
not a single morsel worthy
serving up,
all half-satisfactory

poems, of course...

the wrong write ***** clogged,
resting in peace,
Works In Progress (WIP)
unlike the poet,
who's just plain whipped

un-crumpled awaiting
an episodic finale,
if ever they should be televised,
they are needy for cumberbitches,

a birth or death certificate
sore lacking

pick up put down
new titles pop,
essays in need of love,
naught fruited, dead pits,
hanging on the tree till
gravity takes them prisoner

on and on for weeks
the side stitch does not
disappear, but does grow
aching familiar

perhaps the topic offends
you the most,
cloying, suffocating
self-pity
of your own hands
around your neck wrapped...
Carla Michelle Dec 2015
I have recently started to work on individual pieces that will later go into an entire piece (such as this one) about things in my life in which I find. Find what exactly? I'll leave that up to interpretation.

My idea here is to end the sugar coating of the realness of growing up.

To the age of Heartbreak and the Heartless, I write for you

I had a boy tell me "you're a breath of fresh air" everyday for a year. I broke his heart as I did mine. I had a boy tell me pretty things and I stepped all over it. I'm still breathing. I'm still fine. But I feel it from time to time.

Heartbreak will come for you, if it hasn't already, in any kind of form. This day and age, anything breaks your heart. Will it be okay? Probably, probably not. They'll leave you, you'll leave them, your phone will break, someone might die, you'll cry, you'll drop out, you may become an addict, and you may even lose them all together. The world has endless ways of telling you "stop crying about it" but you'll always find more reasons to do it anyways. My advice? Feel it. Feel the heartbreak coursing through your veins and take it in like the very drug it is. You may not see it yet, but you're a heart-breaker and you've got to start enjoying it. It'll hit you, and you'll be consumed (let it consume you.)

We're the heartless walking among the heartbroken. Give it out, your heart can take the beating it will surely get. We live life afraid of being hurt and yet we don't give a **** anyway. Eliminate the fear and just let it hurt you. Give your heart to people. Bottling it up will only suffocate it. There's someone/something for everyone or there might just be more than one for you, that's cool too. We're the society that has let the wrong things consume us; social standards, media, others, careers, get the **** over it. We're not here to be skeletons of the past or the famous. Be the rotting corpse you want to be, be the heartless ones who fear more of life being taken than life being ******.

Life is ******, break a heart or two, and toughen up.

Being Found
There will be a day, where you’ll wake up and realize something that’ll probably change your life. I had an honest moment not too long ago, and have had trouble putting it into words. To be completely honest, a little cliche even, I felt the fall hit me in the gut and I gave in. I gave in to the slight chill in the breeze that flew by my bare face and yes, I wished for more of it. Typically like the entire human race yearns for more and more of things until, well frankly, they just get bored. I had someone recently tell me: “ If you don’t look for it, the finding will be much more spectacular” and there came my honest moment throwing me a slightly irritating wack in the jaw. I did my finding after the found and I couldn’t quite find it. Bare with me, now with the story of how I was found without finding.

I was once a girl that wanted to be wanted, to be held, and to be the one someone held on to. I was the girl who asked instead of holding hands to hold fingers, because it made me feel something different. I was the girl who chose to stay the “findee” because I felt that was where the magic happens. I then became the girl who had no idea who she was, I became the girl who didn’t want to find anymore.

It was then a Monday, when the finding took place. I was found and the finding was not done by me, rather another “findee” in training.

I found that you can smell the seasons change and feel the weather drop. I also found that having the seasons fly away so rapidly is the reason why you’d have to sit the **** down and enjoy it. I had an honest moment when I realized that I love it when my bed is ragged and unmade at all times and when I take a swing of emotions when I’m drunk and alone. I love it because I know people don’t want to admit it’s a ****** time, this thing called “becoming an adult” or “doing you” while it seems as if people are doing them, greatly.

Sit the **** down, and have an honest moment. Take in the changing colors of the leaves and don’t wear a sweater when it’s ******* freezing out. Let go of being the tired findee, and let it find you.

And for the love of God, secure it when you’re found, as it will be spectacular and all, it could fly away.
Ahmad Cox Apr 2012
We tend to close ourselves
We tend to shut ourselves off
We tend to close our hearts
To keep ourselves from hurting
We shield ourselves
We shield our hurt
To hide the pain
We are taught that
We are supposed to keep smiling
Keep pretending everything is o.k.
Afraid to crack and show any weakness
We have to shut off our emotions
To play the game
We learn very early
That if we open our hearts
If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable
We will ultimately get hurt
So we learn to become callous
To become cynical
To protect ourselves
Not allowing ourselves
To be optimistic
Actually hoping
Or wishing for something
We are so afraid of losing something
That we automatically shut off
Whenever we feel like we might
Have the chance to fail
That way when we do
We won't feel so bad
We can just convince ourselves
That we weren't meant to have it
That we shouldn't have tried in the first place
Pushing aside our own feelings
To shield our hearts
But ultimately all this ends up doing
Is bottling the hurt inside
It will manifest in other ways
If you don't let it go sometime
Being able to open up your heart
And being able to open yourself
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable
Putting your heart out
And trusting that it will be o.k.
We all have times in our lives
When we want to hide ourselves
When we are dealing with
Negative things that happen
But its about being able to express yourself
And not bottling it up
Being able to express whatever you feel
Being present in the emotion
No matter what it happens to be
Whether it be anger or joy
Allowing yourself to be present with yourself
Opening yourself up so that you can be present
Being present with the people around you
And sharing your heart openly
I think you will find
That if you share your heart openly with others
They will do the same for you
Even the greatest moments, calmest actions, most peaceful energy, would be unable to tear it off once it sticks
it winds you up for everything and causes one to just pace instead
Eyes get dizzy from observation of another's and can assimilate the same hold
Tension continues to escalate and bottling it up only makes the explosion imminent
No one likes it
Some look to escape through things that actually increase it
An insanity I've dealt with and still resisting
Depravity of vice while the resuscitation of life simultaneously reacts from one thought and act of will
It's hell to deal with
I think the void between two lives would be more difficult than this
At least then you could be fascinated by the new journey
Than to continue the same and battle the duality of choosing a side
Or dealing with human ordeals such as quitting smoking or relationships
Decisions can create a hold on you, but when it's out of nowhere....
The confusion continues the hold
**FadedFate**
krista Oct 2013
do not fall for a boy with a pirate heart, even if he will
cross five thousand miles of sand and ocean to be with you,
carrying nothing more than loneliness and longing in his cargo hold.
those things will bond you both together like an oath, but
blood is thicker than water and soon, the promises will weigh you down
like rocks in your pocket, keeping your lungs and heart empty.
he will not stay, something will always call him away in the morning,
even after you've spent the night wrapped in his strong arms,
counting the stars from the undersides of the highest sail.
you will listen to his stories, for they will stretch beyond the decks
of his ship and make you feel both empty and full at once,
but you cannot rely on a tattooed smile to forge you a key to the world.
eventually, he will leave you on stranger shores, soaking and breathless,
wondering when the next tide will bring him close to you again.
but you are not a ***** he found bar-side, never call yourself that.
you must be unpredictable and wild as the sea itself, bottling storms
into your heartbeat and braiding a barrier reef into your hair.
you are calypso, dangerous and beautiful and unyielding,
and if he comes back ten years from now to set foot on the shore,
you will not be waiting. you cannot always be waiting.
he might tell you he loves you. but even then, he is only speaking
about the seventy percent he is familiar with, the part that is pulled into
rises and falls by the moon, a dna sequence patterned by the earth itself.
do not answer him. steal his ship by sunrise instead and plan to follow
the treasure map that you've long since forgotten. never come back.
leave him with a seashell at his side and he will remember at last
that the reason he loved the ocean was because it sounded like you.
// for kd
There is something breeding in the underbelly;
whirling and churning like an epicenter of ******* trends.
Someone found the formula to turn a profit on karma,
while we were distracted by viral beheadings.
Powder white moths opening mental portals
through the dazzling lights of self-immolation
while I trudge block after block through the snow
wearing slippers because I had to storm out.
The classes continue, the mail keeps going out, coming in,
and I'm obsessing over a splinter of worry; unavailing at best.
I keep thinking of how nice it'd be to see Seattle  
and to stand near one of those Sequoia trees I've only seen on Google.
I keep thinking of how I'd like to see The Grand Canyon
and to to walk in the Arizona deserts with no socks or shoes;
the heat of the fine sand sneaking up between my toes
while the sky beats my pupils with that astounding blue.
Why am always alone in my fantasies?
Why is it that I can't handle the day-to-day?
Am I really even searching for answers,
or am I begging for what I want to hear?
My maturity and stoicity are rubber ***** bouncing on a line graph.
I can't go on bottling the venom that pools in my gut.
"I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes."
A Doubles Feb 2019
I'm bottling up all my feelings.
I know you noticed that,
I've been holding back,
There's something inside I'm concealing.
You put me on ice for no reason.
You make my heart stop,
When you pop my top,
I'm bubbling up to the ceiling
I think you know what I mean and,
You know I'm just teasing.
I can't keep it a secret
Grapevine, gettin' too seedy (juicy)
Overtime my soul is primed,
You're so divine
Intoxicating my sober mind
'Til I'm,
Ready to chill for the evening.

Strictly for the VIP
Tipsy when you lean on me
Lipsin' up we don't need a cup
It costs a lot but it's free
I feel like champagne when I think about the love of my life. Everything bubbles up inside of me until the perfect moment.
Kassidy Clayton Jan 2016
I'm done

Fighting
Trying
Fixing

I'm done

Being a cliche
Not making the cut
Being picked on

But yet here I am, doing all those things
Cliche
Cut
Picked

So I try to do as they say
And do something different

I cry instead of keeping it in
I talk instead of bottling up
I become vivid instead of shutting down

I'm done

Feeling stupid
Feeling useless
Feeling powerless

I'm done

Trapped
Pawn
Kid

I'm ready
Ready to stop taking it
Ready to take control
Ready to get out

So here I am
I'm done
I'm ready
So
I'm gone.
Sean Flaherty Jul 2015
[page 1] I already regret writing this to you. I already regret sharing this with you. I've already told you, before, but I'm bursting---I'm skidding, like my brakes are busted--- bottling-it-all, inside. And, a wise man once told me, "If it's eating you up, you should ink it, all-out." I just wish I could remember whose words those were.

Sometimes, when I'm searching the Rolodex, for the right-scene, you've been around, to remind me. [Almost-like, you'd read along.] You tell me, you assume "I'm always awake," and, I would only elaborate: with-fear, my dear, for falling asleep would draw you back, to my dreams.

See, and I've said this (to much poorer souls than yours), [page 2] before I allow my ambitions the axiom, certainty must surround the word "love" like an aura. My so-flawed system of authentication, of authority, in my own-hearted matters, starts and ends with my dreaming. Only three romances have recurred. Randomness is much more regular. Rarely do my dreams speak with structure, or in-a-story. That real random. [The reason I'm a poet?] Flying symbols, from "seven hells," heavens, or highways. If you left the top-down, or had a bad-day.

[Relax, Flagstaff]

sighs

[Ready, again?]

Ready.

...
Essay #4 is even longer than #3 by a little bit and I'm posting it in parts. With parts missing. Because I'm keeping some of it personal. Or at least for one person.
Poets with whom I learned my trade.
Companions of the Cheshire Cheese,
Here's an old story I've remade,
Imagining 'twould better please
Your cars than stories now in fashion,
Though you may think I waste my breath
Pretending that there can be passion
That has more life in it than death,
And though at bottling of your wine
Old wholesome Goban had no say;
The moral's yours because it's mine.
When cups went round at close of day --
Is not that how good stories run? --
The gods were sitting at the board
In their great house at Slievenamon.
They sang a drowsy song, Or snored,
For all were full of wine and meat.
The smoky torches made a glare
On metal Goban 'd hammered at,
On old deep silver rolling there
Or on somc still unemptied cup
That he, when frenzy stirred his thews,
Had hammered out on mountain top
To hold the sacred stuff he brews
That only gods may buy of him.
Now from that juice that made them wise
All those had lifted up the dim
Imaginations of their eyes,
For one that was like woman made
Before their sleepy eyelids ran
And trembling with her passion said,
"Come out and dig for a dead man,
Who's burrowing Somewhere in the ground
And mock him to his face and then
Hollo him on with horse and hound,
For he is the worst of all dead men.'
We should be dazed and terror-struck,
If we but saw in dreams that room,
Those wine-drenched eyes, and curse our luck
That empticd all our days to come.
I knew a woman none could please,
Because she dreamed when but a child
Of men and women made like these;
And after, when her blood ran wild,
Had ravelled her own story out,
And said, "In two or in three years
I needs must marry some poor lout,'
And having said it, burst in tears.
Since, tavern comrades, you have died,
Maybe your images have stood,
Mere bone and muscle thrown aside,
Before that roomful or as good.
You had to face your ends when young --
'Twas wine or women, or some curse --
But never made a poorer song
That you might have a heavier purse,
Nor gave loud service to a cause
That you might have a troop of friends,
You kept the Muses' sterner laws,
And unrepenting faced your ends,
And therefore earned the right -- and yet
Dowson and Johnson most I praise --
To troop with those the world's forgot,
And copy their proud steady gaze.
"The Danish troop was driven out
Between the dawn and dusk,' she said;
"Although the event was long in doubt.
Although the King of Ireland's dead
And half the kings, before sundown
All was accomplished.
"When this day
Murrough, the King of Ireland's son,
Foot after foot was giving way,
He and his best troops back to back
Had perished there, but the Danes ran,
Stricken with panic from the attack,
The shouting of an unseen man;
And being thankful Murrough found,
Led by a footsole dipped in blood
That had made prints upon the ground,
Where by old thorn-trees that man stood;
And though when he gazed here and there,
He had but gazed on thorn-trees, spoke,
"Who is the friend that seems but air
And yet could give so fine a stroke?"
Thereon a young man met his eye,
Who said, "Because she held me in
Her love, and would not have me die,
Rock-nurtured Aoife took a pin,
And pushing it into my shirt,
Promised that for a pin's sake
No man should see to do me hurt;
But there it's gone; I will not take
The fortune that had been my shame
Seeing, King's son, what wounds you have.  --
'Twas roundly spoke, but when night came
He had betrayed me to his grave,
For he and the King's son were dead.
I'd promised him two hundred years,
And when for all I'd done or said --
And these immortal eyes shed tears --
He claimed his country's need was most,
I'd saved his life, yet for the sake
Of a new friend he has turned a ghost.
What does he cate if my heart break?
I call for ***** and horse and hound
That we may harry him.' Thereon
She cast herself upon the ground
And rent her clothes and made her moan:
"Why are they faithless when their might
Is from the holy shades that rove
The grey rock and the windy light?
Why should the faithfullest heart most love
The bitter sweetness of false faces?
Why must the lasting love what passes,
Why are the gods by men betrayed?'
But thereon every god stood up
With a slow smile and without sound,
And Stretching forth his arm and cup
To where she moaned upon the ground,
Suddenly drenched her to the skin;
And she with Goban's wine adrip,
No more remembering what had been.
Stared at the gods with laughing lip.
I have kept my faith, though faith was tried,
To that rock-born, rock-wandering foot,
And thc world's altered since you died,
And I am in no good repute
With the loud host before the sea,
That think sword-strokes were better meant
Than lover's music -- let that be,
So that the wandering foot's content.
Kelly O'Toole Aug 2014
She rolls out of bed, with a feeling of shear dread.
How can she face today when she feels so dead?

A crying voice inside takes over her mind.
She needs to rewind.
The tears stream down her face.
As she whimpers she feels a disgrace.

Nobody wants to know, nobody cares that she's in despair.
But she just needs to repair.

She won't talk, she's afraid that people will walk.
Bottling it up she tries not to sob.
The despair all over, It lies and controls her.
But she doesn't understand why an that's why she cries.

She doesn't realise she's not the only one.
She needs to hold on and stay strong.
Peppy Miller Nov 2013
That summer of what you want you have.
We walked everywhere our hearts weren't
cutting corners just to feel like kids
I wore your sweatshirt
sleeves rolled.
The gray hitting just around my legs.

Your eyes held mine for too long
as we stepped into the night.
I told you I liked your tattoo with an air
of embarrassment.
You let half of the compliment fall to the ground
while the other half fed your smirk to
full perfection.

The waves got fuzzy and far between.
Hair got longer and shorter all at once.
Button ups and bows sealed our outward appearances.

Big eyes and band tees.
Mosh pits and burritos.
Girls and boys soon to be women and men.
Front porches, steps, and ever turning wheels.

One person would be coming in the front door;
the other would be rushing out the back
with arms full of luggage
luggage containing film from times so separate but
defining to who we were.

Puking in every other sewer we had our minds in.
I would only be able to find you when you were immobile.
Screaming with arms wide open, we would feign at the
sight of others.
Placing diamonds and breaking glasses,
Your pepperonis offsetting my gumdrops .

One of four..wheels
The constellations on my face told you
where your luck might lead you.
I asked you where yours aligned one cold winter night.
I hung up the phone and tried to dull the monologue in my head.

I sat on that same front porch weeks later
bottling that same feeling of anguish
you told me how beautiful I was,
inside and out.

It was always a high dive,
never a wade.
So much to risk
So much to gain.

When you had a cast on your arm,
I poured water down your back
When you slept in my bed for the first time
I think I cried.

Held together by bandages and gum wads
rock and roll and disco
I saw you with my eyes going into the back of my head
You looked at your watch politely and kept moving.

Our lines kept crossing but never touching
One vice presented in front of another
I couldn't tell you how ****** my valentine
was for you, especially when one of us was
making lines with a razor and one of us was
making lines on a bed.

At that point I already knew how I felt but
I still had some growing to do.
No more cutting corners as I couldn't be a kid anymore.
Everything we wanted was no longer there.
The things we wanted all expired and new desires
filled our brains.

You saw so many tears from me
heard enough ******* to fill a pen.
I put my face up to just about anything
but I could never face you.
How many times did we bait our hooks
only to come up with some algae on our line.

I lost my lasagna over you
to a late night phone conversation.
Rumors split my forehead and everyone said to try.
Sand was always getting in my teeth as I worked up the courage
to finally tell you how I felt.
I blew it, mouth full of water.
In that bed where I had mumbled so many gray words before.

I was scared, as always
But you held my hand as we walked down the tracks
of your hometown and spoke of nothing.
The full moon was the only one talking
she told us how she liked our dance together
and no longer separate
Rain hit against the open windows that night
It was autumn.
I had fallen for you once, but I had fallen for you
again.
Tanner Bryan Dec 2012
Where were you when the fire went away?
When the thunder escaped
and the lightning was saved?
What did you do when you heard the sound,
but bore no witness to the golden down
that gives a sky that godly crown?
Certainly it was a matter of confusion,
transfixed by the pandemonious afterthought
of a storm that was simply illusion

If I cannot be the lightning in your bed,
but only the thunder you celebrate
--marveling at my storm and e-lectric charm,
and bottling the warning of what you forbade:
"Thunder tells distance, and lightning gives harm",
and yet I too have some meaning to display:
thunder cannot satiate,
nor can it corporalize into much
beyond from where it originates,
I am left blind as sonar and with
a desire that can only bring belly-aches

God made skies so that they would break
and splinter into seconds of worship,
--a blue vessel readied for harbor's sake ,
and with the beating it takes,
the wise sky adores itself enough
to revel in what was and then remain,
forward-fast and backwards again
healing, heeling and staying the same
Ryan Jul 2014
It's been a while.

I've been bottling.

Bottling up all of my emotions because life got better and fewer had to be dealt with...

But I am still me, I can see.

Written into the lines of this old, online poetry

are feels that I can't explain, can't describe;

but can only know.

Reading back my words brings waves of emotion,

disconnected from time and place;

able to stand on their own

as a sort of expression.

— The End —