Today is a hard day. Actually, the last few weeks have been hard. But today, today is one of the hardest yet. I think if I could tell you why maybe you would understand..
I woke up thinking about you again. I don’t mean like one of those “oh remember that one time” thoughts. I mean I woke up thinking about the way your eyes had a dark blue ring around your iris, kind of like mine. I thought about how I had never once seen you with a beard. I thought about how you used to shave your chest for reasons I still find funny. I remembered the way you would like your lips when you looked down and stroked your chin. I remembered you, every crease, scar and dimple I could possible remember.
You know, in the last year I’ve had exactly 2 dreams. I remember it seemingly like we had our chance, like we could try again and you could let me show you how much I love you.
But I woke up, and that dream was over 6 months ago.
Right now, all I can picture is what you could have done. I constantly think about all the things you could have been doing right now, and all the things I will never be able to tell you.
Everyday, you cross my mind. I used to get really sad over it. I used to cry and scream and I remember constantly begging you to tell me you could hear me. I didn’t want to accept I was screaming at nothing. I just didn't want to accept that there's some things I'll simply never know.
But here we are, 365 days later. I can say 3 things honestly. First, I miss you as much today as I have since the day you left. Second, I still don’t know, frankly I don’t think I ever will, if you ever cared about me in any way like I did you. Third, I will never, ever get over the love for you that consumes me everyday.
I hope you know that I mean that. I know you’ve heard it a thousand times a million different ways but I know, and I think you knew, that I cared for you in a way nobody else did. I still believe that you liked the intense care I showed you. Maybe I never admitted it, but you and me both knew I fell for you years ago, and never got back up.
The last thing I have to say to you is a memory. This is the same memory that comes to my mind everytime I think about your smile. 2013, a chilly spring night, salty mists, and your arms around me.
I remember laying in your bed, consumed by you, fascinated by every little fact you would share with me. We laid together, and we smoked. You showed me your music, and you sang for me. You told me about your father, sister and brother, music, school, your friends, swimming, bud, drinking, traveling, California, Boston, your past, your life and you.
I wish I spent everyday after memorizing that night. 6 years later I cling to every morsel of that night I can remember. Because I hope when I die I get to rejoin you to relive that night forever.