I asked you if you wanted me to write you something and you said no.
So I write this just for me, something I plan not to show.
It's three in the morning and I'm still awake.
As I'm writing this my pen starts to shake.
Where did I go wrong.
My travel plans you knew all along.
I never pictured it would upset you this bad,
I would not have made them if I knew it would make you this sad.
Seeing you that upset showed me how much you care,
Wish my feelings were easier to share.
When I'm scared I struggle to talk,
I seem as about as responsive as a rock.
I want to speak but it's as if my body's in shock.
I say what I'm feeling but no sound comes out,
All you get is silence when I'm trying to shout.
I interlock our fingers and keep hold of your hand.
Dealing with my emotions feels like being trapped in quicksand.
If I try and do anything the faster I sink.
The feeling gets worse the more that I think.
I become a slave to my own thoughts.
Connecting the dots where there are no dots.
Stuck in a nightmare of my own fears.
On the outside I seem unphased as you break down in tears.
If only I could show you that inside I'm hurting just as bad.
Whenever I do I come across as angry and mad.
That's not how I'm actually feeling,
For a long time bottling things up was my way of dealing.
I went fifteen years without letting myself cry,
Then when I finally did, the pain felt like I was going to die.
I was on the beach at the edge of the water.
When waves of emotions almost consumed me.
I was drowning, letting go , gasping for air.
Then it was as if someone had answered my prayer.
I drew breath and felt myself move,
I felt something inside me change that I wanted to prove.
Darwin believed that we crawled from the sea and evolved.
All I know is that the conflict inside me had been resolved.
I found it scary wearing my heart on my sleeve.
So insecure and vunrebal you would not believe.
Untill I said I love you and tried to leave.
I embraced my emotions without any control.
I only have two states, either shattered or whole.
It can be overwhelming when I'm happy around you.
Always laughing, smiling, touching and kissing.
The ability to calm it down is something I'm missing.
A bit less intense, somewhere in between.
Like a normal person I know what you mean.
My middle is like the middle East,
A constant war One where the living are deceased.
Yet one day there will be peace.
Where I can visit and they agreed to cease.
Be the man you deserve instead of this damaged mess.
Able to communicate clearly without causing you stress.
I can talk about being happy and how you make me feel.
Now I will try and explain why I struggle to deal,
With the darkness inside, it sounds unreal.
When I am angry I wish I could cry.
When. I'm upset I want to hit a guy.
My knuckles used to bleed tears,
Ending up in hospital after a few beers.
My fists said what I could not.
Bone exposed, needing surgery an after thought.
The pain I could handle, the cause I could not.
Now I have changed I'm willing to give it a shot.
I try and share what's in my head.
Speaking out loud, still nothing said.
I'm trying as I toss and turn in my bed.
Hearing all the words I should have spoken,
Would of made you feel better if I was not so broken.
I can actually see your side,
If it was the other way round I would fell the same inside.
Picturing you somewhere else and not with me,
The emotional towl I could not see.
Now your hurting and it's all my fault.
An open would, my reactions like salt.
Making it worse instead of better.
Drying your tears while making them wetter.
I want you to know I feel your pain.
I just can't communicate with this broken brain.
Yet everyday I will keep continue to try,
For you I won't stop till the day that I die