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poet may Jan 2018
a sudden whirlwind of emotions,
like a chain has been cut to swing,
my sadness and fear and anger appear,
leaving nothing in its place; not a thing.

i know i can change this; talk to people, i know
but for some reason i cant let anything go.

maybe one day i will learn, maybe i never will,
but as long as my tears keep building
i know that my strength will as well.
Rizna M Rameez Oct 2018
I don't tell people about
What agitation means

It means
I can't sit in class
Because the pain in my head
Is just drilling into my existence
Boring into my consciousness

It means I drag random things
Along with me
Trying to have some weight
To numb all the pain
To get my focus away
On anything
Anything but the pain

It means I walk into random classrooms
Searching for a reason to be away
From I don't know where
Trying to walk away
From this agitation

It means running
Just running aimlessly
As if trying to run away from this body that
Constrains the pain
That intensifies it
Focusing it

It means
Refusing myself the pleasure of reading anything
Including posters on the walls

It means I want to run away
From this physical restrain
Of myself
Just free all this agitation

It means
I'm tired of trying
To keep myself together
Tired of holding all these
Flying papers
In this maelstrom

It means
I'm tired of staring up at confusion
In the face
When no one can answer

It means
I need to be calmed down
Just let myself
Be comforted

It means
I'm desperately trying to hold up
While I'm crumbling  

A state of anxiety or nervous excitement

Barely tells you what I mean
I don't know why but from the beginning of this year I've been like this often. Especially January. And May. And September (Wow that's a uniform difference).

If only I’d learnt to turn to prayer earlier. But still we need people. The whole point of my other poem Eve; She was There
Brian Oarr Jul 2012
"And then taking from his wallet
an old schedule of trains, he'll say
I told you when I came I was a stranger
I told you when I came I was a stranger."
                                        --- Leonard Cohen

I'm the most surprised person on the planet.
Your coming to see me off at the airport
has my mind scratching glass seeking words.
Why is it that in this relationship,
you seem to have gotten all the speaking parts?
You're well aware that I have loved you
for the better part of two years,
bottling that emotion, afraid to pop the cork.
Your eyes implore mine, rotating like
a searchlight over Baghdad seeking
the stealth laying carnage to your heart.
Twice in the last week you've made it evident,
the Grail was mine, but for the drinking ---
That and finding a shorthand for adultry.
I'm guilty courting the love of a married woman,
made worse, you're here at my departure
telling me we aren't free to choose who we love.
I know my desire must die of thirst,
so I turn, boarding pass in hand,
the last words I ever hear from you,
Write me! --- Thirty-five years later I have.
Julia Lane Oct 2013
I get it, my problems aren't that bad.
Worse things happen to better people everyday.
I live in a costal, wealthy, yatch club town,
Officially an only child,
With my judgmental sister spending her freshman year in Manhattan.
I live with my favorite parent,
who doesn't care what fun I have
as long as I'm honest and safe,
and of course I get my schoolwork done,
and the other who drives me insane
is fortunately not in the same area code as me.

But it hurts
To be the listener for the people who created me
As they speak horrible things about each other,
Express their loathing for one another.

To be so broken
And not to know what do to about it..
Self abuse is in my rearview,
but I just hate talking about myself so much.
I've gotten really good at bottling up
And moving on
Just letting my bad thoughts and feelings
Dissolve into worthlessness.

But sometimes it ***** to be alone.

I just wish you were here to tell me I'm not
and that you love me.
Bryce Dec 2018
I, naive

I believed that the break in the clouds
Was the end of rain

Thought those rays of sun weren't burning

I was lying
Myself in the grass,
Asking if the tulip chutes in Anatolia
Were the same sinking green I feel now

Where were we?
Love for a thousand spaces and bottling them into skins
Wanted to touch and know deeply all beautiful things

No you're not allowed, they don't want to let you in
That way, it's a distant place and means too much to understand
The biological and irrational
Crazed, sweeps gregarity above and within an aether-- like milky foam upon the waves

When I return home from excursions
I will be Ipanema
The soft locale, unabashed and known to no soul
Except empty elevators--

The lowly philosopher-king

Maybe then you'll think highly of me
Through the mixed feelings
Unable to handle
Straight through the socket
Ring of fire
Then and only then will you realize
That real life

Is more than just a zone or some local
Brewery on a Friday night

And every other Friday night

Ever thereafter--
You'll unlock the box of atomic intention
And listen deeply to her on the station
"Sade and Other Like Hits"

Slowed down for full potential

Letting your cochlea stroke themselves off to the tune of the universe
And the sound of air moving indiscriminately
Will give you
All this

almost fractal, imbibed
Decimated repetitively
There is a fragment of my voice,

"Love, how much I'd love to be. "
Kimberly Jul 8
She dreamed of bottling up rainbows
The way they bottled up ships
They said to have as many ships as you want
But rainbows?
We don’t have a bottle for those
She forgot that ships you can touch
While rainbows you could only watch
In low spirits indefinitely.
Mystifying Chaos Nov 2016
I wish I had the guts to speak what I had kept suppressed within me.
I wish I could tell the world that not everything in my life is as good as it seems.
But all I really do is keep silent and smile.
Bottling up the burden of emotions that I carry in my mind
I can taste the tears that are burning in my eyes,
I can feel the urge to let them drip down and cry,
I can sense the inevitable depression that is about to overcome my being.
I can feel the need to let out a scream.
I can hear the conflicting thoughts in my mind.
Contemplating the idea to suffer or commit a crime.
These thoughts turn into a whirlpool of rage.
As I pick up the lethal addiction that I had avoided for decades
The blade is still shiny as it was before
The reopening of old wounds never made me feel so sure.
The sharp edge scrapes the old scar that adorned my wrist
The blood flows out and provides an instant hit.
My mind floats in oblivion as I lose control
Slipping from the reality that I no longer wish to hold.
A Doubles Feb 6
I'm bottling up all my feelings.
I know you noticed that,
I've been holding back,
There's something inside I'm concealing.
You put me on ice for no reason.
You make my heart stop,
When you pop my top,
I'm bubbling up to the ceiling
I think you know what I mean and,
You know I'm just teasing.
I can't keep it a secret
Grapevine, gettin' too seedy (juicy)
Overtime my soul is primed,
You're so divine
Intoxicating my sober mind
'Til I'm,
Ready to chill for the evening.

Strictly for the VIP
Tipsy when you lean on me
Lipsin' up we don't need a cup
It costs a lot but it's free
I feel like champagne when I think about the love of my life. Everything bubbles up inside of me until the perfect moment.
Adrian Jan 17
I'm holding it in
my pain
my sorrow
my distrust
my insanity
my fear
my anger
my uncertainty
my... ***

I have a problem, bottling things up
saffronne May 17
don’t tell me to keep my chin up.
don’t tell me that i’ll be okay.
and don’t tell me it gets better.

the grass isn’t greener, it’s dead.
spray painting something to mask the **** colours underneath doesn’t make it prettier.

no one gets better.
they just get good at pushing down the anger
and the sadness.
they get better at bottling it up,
and pretending it doesn’t hurt.

and time doesn’t heal.
time teaches us that we can put up with it
until we can’t.
until another teenager gets fed up
and takes their life.
because it’s easier to just not exist
than it is to hurt.

but that’s the selfish thing to do.
that’s the coward’s way out.
that’s not getting rid of the pain,
it’s handing it over to someone else.

but god forbid i take my pain out
on myself.
we must pretend we’re all happy,
and when they ask to see,
our arms must be clean.

so let me get this right...
i can’t be sad,
i can’t be dead,
i can’t be selfish,

there really is no stopping the pain.
you don’t have to read it all.. i just need to get it out.
Billy 13 Oct 2018
I asked you if you wanted me to write you something and you said no.
So I write this just for me, something I plan not to show.
It's three in the morning and I'm still awake.
As I'm writing this my pen starts to shake.
Where did I go wrong.
My travel plans you knew all along.
I never pictured it would upset you this bad,
I would not have made them if I knew it would make you this sad.
Seeing you that upset showed me how much you care,
Wish my feelings were easier to share.
When I'm scared I struggle to talk,
I seem as about as responsive as a rock.
I want to speak but it's as if my body's in shock.
I say what I'm feeling but no sound comes out,
All you get is silence when I'm trying to shout.
I interlock our fingers and keep hold of your hand.
Dealing with my emotions feels like being trapped in quicksand.
If I try and do anything the faster I sink.
The feeling gets worse the more that I think.
I become a slave to my own thoughts.
Connecting the dots where there are no dots.
Stuck in a nightmare of my own fears.
On the outside I seem unphased as you break down in tears.

If only I could show you that inside I'm hurting just as bad.
Whenever I do I come across as angry and mad.
That's not how I'm actually feeling,
For a long time bottling things up was my way of dealing.

I went fifteen years without letting myself cry,
Then when I finally did, the pain felt like I was going to die.

I was on the beach at the edge of the water.
When waves of emotions almost consumed me.
I was drowning, letting go , gasping for air.
Then it was as if someone had answered my prayer.
I drew breath and felt myself move,
I felt something inside me change that I wanted to prove.
Darwin believed that we crawled from the sea and evolved.
All I know is that the conflict inside me had been resolved.

I found it scary wearing my heart on my sleeve.
So insecure and vunrebal you would not believe.
Untill I said I love you and tried to leave.

I embraced my emotions without any control.
I only have two states, either shattered or whole.
It can be overwhelming when I'm happy around you.
Always laughing, smiling, touching and kissing.
The ability to calm it down is something I'm missing.
A bit less intense, somewhere in between.
Like a normal person I know what you mean.

My middle is like the middle East,
A constant war One where the living are deceased.
Yet one day there will be peace.
Where I can visit and they agreed to cease.
Be the man you deserve instead of this damaged mess.
Able to communicate clearly without causing you stress.

I can talk about being happy and how you make me feel.
Now I will try and explain why I struggle to deal,
With the darkness inside, it sounds unreal.

When I am angry I wish I could cry.
When. I'm upset I want to hit a guy.
My knuckles used to bleed tears,
Ending up in hospital after a few beers.
My fists said what I could not.
Bone exposed, needing surgery an after thought.
The pain I could handle, the cause I could not.
Now I have changed I'm willing to give it a shot.

I try and share what's in my head.
Speaking out loud, still nothing said.
I'm trying as I toss and turn in my bed.
Hearing all the words I should have spoken,
Would of made you feel better if I was not so broken.

I can actually see your side,
If it was the other way round I would fell the same inside.
Picturing you somewhere else and not with me,
The emotional towl I could not see.

Now your hurting and it's all my fault.
An open would, my reactions like salt.
Making it worse instead of better.
Drying your tears while making them wetter.

I want you to know I feel your pain.
I just can't communicate with this broken brain.

Yet everyday I will keep continue to try,
For you I won't stop till the day that I die
What is depression?
It’s when you wake up at night for no reason rather than feeling  scared and lonely. When you feel like your world is falling apart literally. And it probably is. My world has crashed fully and now it’s something I live with everyday. It’s all jumbled up and looks like a crashed and ****** up life. I have social anxiety as well as depression and trust me, it’s worse than wanting life to end. Because it is easy to just slit your veins open and end it all. But I have to fight everyday and try to overcome my anxiety and depression. Because I want to live. I want to be happy and find someone that will treat me with love and respect as well as protect me. But I will only succeed if I keep on going and not give up even though I’ve felt like it most days and still do. Slitting my veins will take me about 6 seconds and death will approach me faster than I can imagine. Do you really want to just give up after all the pain and suffering you’ve been through? Do you ever feel like it’s better for you to die? Better to just end the suffering? Because the only person you are fighting is yourself. And it’s worse than fighting someone else. It’s much Harder to say no to your emotions and feelings because they belong to you and they are  a part of you. In order to change what you feel you need to change yourself. But it’s not as easy as it seems. 10 times, 300 times harder. I’ve only lived for 16 years but already established that nobody gives a **** bout you. So you might as well just **** what others think and do what you love. Find a hobby, express your feelings through doing what you love. This isn’t me telling you what to do, this is you making a decision of whether or not you want to change the way you live. I’m not your mummy, I’m not  going to run after you and remind you to drink water to stay hydrated. Your mental health is as important as staying hydrated. Much more important I will say. So drink the happy tablets, the ones you produce in your head. Go out and stick your middle fingers up at the upcoming cars, if that’s going to make you happy. Go for it. But there’s a limit. Don’t  want to be seeing yourself on a death row because you killed your sibling. Think appropriately. Depression isn’t something you “make up”. It’s a real thing, it’s a disorder, just like bipolar, and ADHD. And unfortunately, once you get it, it’ll always be there. Just like ******, sadly. Even if you feel happy and fell like you’ve cured it. During hard times it’ll come back. So you gotta be extra ******* careful. During hard times go talk to someone, even talking to your hamster will do more help than bottling the feelings up and ending up feeling suicidal. Trust me the hamster will listen, they tend to be good listeners as they don’t talk much. So yeah, if your one of the depressed kids this is for you, and remember it’s not embarrassing at all to ask for help and tell people how you feel. We are all humans, at some stage everybody feels down. And remember this: all famous and well known people had depression. So know your strength.
Maria the depressed kid.

— The End —