"your mother is an alcoholic,"
my mom jokingly said to
me one night
as she was pouring
herself another drink.

as a kid,
i didn't understand alcohol
or my mother's drinking habits.
she always seemed fine to me,
or at least pretended to be.

i didn't think anything
of the late nights,
or the excuses she sometimes
fabricated.

i smiled at her
and pretending i wasn't
actually worrying inside.
my mother was strong,
she was tough,
and i wasn't one
to criticize her drinking.

and while she said
those words as a
lighthearted joke,
i don't think she realized
i sometimes worried
for my future
and whether my
drinking habits
would hurt me
down the line.

i didn't want
to have to drink
to the bottom of the
bottle to feel something.

nor did i want to have
to drink to escape my reality.

it's a little twisted
and i'm not sure
when things got like this.

and the culture of college
doesn't help people like
me much.

"take another shot"
i take it to ease
the pain,
but i know in
the morning,
it won't make a difference,
i'll still feel the same.

ounces of alcohol,
stumbling legs,
loose smiles,
but things aren't
really what they seem.

i don't have to be
my mother's drinking habits,
pouring a glass each night
after work.

but how much
control do i actually have?
because i already feel
as if i'm spiraling
out of control.

like the thin air,
you slipped
between my fingertips

i tried to hold
on to you,
us, and
what we shared
together

i wanted it to
stay in tact
but there was no
use

it was all
slipping away,
i could feel
the distance
between me and you

i had to let go
of what i wanted
you to be

i was living in
a dream
and it was time
to face reality.

i tried to make myself
into a puzzle
you'd want to
put together

but there was no use
there was always a
piece that didn't fit
in the picture

i tried to make this
what i wanted it to be

i wanted it to be
you

but i had to let go

reflection
[ri-flek-shuh n]

1. i wasn't living for myself. i was living to get through the motions of each day and to make others happy. i've been a role model for others ever since shawna was born when i was in the first grade. the weight on my shoulders, i wanted to be good enough. **** it, i just wanted to be something worth while. i feared not amounting to anything so much that i forgot what it meant to live for myself. it turns out i was suffocating myself trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations i set for myself. it was as if i was trapped in a box that had been tapped shut and i was struggling to find air to breathe. i have promised myself to never put myself back in that position. i am meant for so much more. and i deserve to put myself first. the life i was living wasn't for me. and so i took myself down a different path.

2. though i've never put a blade to my skin or swallowed a large amount of pills, i harmed myself and i harmed others, especially those that love and care for me. i'm not sure when things got this bad, but once i realized the destructive person i became, i didn't want to be here anymore. there were no excuses for the poor decisions i was making but yet i couldn't stop. i would look in the mirror and not recognize the girl in the mirror, a girl causing unbelievable destruction to herself and to others. i couldn't feel bad for myself because this was all in my hands. i guess i just wanted to feel something. i had forgotten what it was like to feel and self-destruction was easy to access, a game played between me and myself and no one else. you get addicted to the feeling of watching things crash down before your eyes. i was out of control but the only person that could help me was myself.

3. if i were able to weigh my grief, i'm convinced the scale would break. this wasn't the first time i crossed paths with death and it turned everything in my life gray. cancer took my step-father away when i was 7th grade, my mother without a spouse and my two little sisters without a father. shawna was in kindergarten and candice was in pre-school, too young to go to the services. cheyenne fought with me over wearing white. i was thirteen and didn't know what proper funeral attire was. now they live life trying to remember a father they never knew. i spent much of my adolescent life regretting the words i said and wishing i would've said more. it was selfish of me but when my grandfather passed in march, i felt i was being punished. i couldn't bear the pain i was feeling and it wouldn't go away, so i had to find a scapegoat as an attempt to make myself feel better. i'll be honest, it didn't help, i only pretended it did so i wouldn't fall into a hole of spiraling depression. i still did anyway. i looked at my friends and people who knew who lost ones they loved and wondered how they hell they got over it. i didn't know what to do to lessen my pain. it was so sharp and intense, i carried it with me everywhere i went. my therapist walked me through the stages of grief and i felt like i was reliving the moment he took his last breath. silence. fighting back tears. pacing back and forth.

once i realized grief isn't something we have to get over and instead is something we learn to live with, i felt less crazy.

4. i no longer knew who i was. a friend told me that it wasn't about figuring out who i was again but rather who i wanted to be after this. i struggled and fell to rock bottom over and over again, even after feeling as if i was on the top of the world again. after so many dark hours and low points, i flourished into a girl i wanted to be, a girl i wanted to love, but most importantly, a girl i was proud of. the things we go through in life, they change us, completely and utterly. and we must decide what we do about this change--do we lose time by trying to deny we're no longer who we once were or do we embrace it? i spent a lot of time denying this new person i was becoming. i missed the old me. i wanted her back. but she was never coming back. i took a new form. and i stopped looking back and wondering why. i was no longer meant for the things i once pursued. my own kind of metamorphosis.

it was a saturday afternoon
in december
when we met for
a second time,
the sun was shining,
and there had to be
some reason for that.

the universe was
doing something right
when she brought us
back together
again.

it was may when
we approached the
end of you and i,
or whatever i knew us as.

losing you
was like being forced
to shut a book
i really wanted to finish.

pieces of you
lingered throughout
my everyday life
for months,
but i did everything
i could to shut you out.

months later,
i sat across from you
at this cute cafe and
i couldn't help but
wonder what we did
to deserve each other
a second time around.

your eyes seemed brighter,
a more vibrant blue,
a deeper ocean.

a freckle by your eye
that i never seemed to
notice.

i wanted to freeze time and
live this moment forever
with you,
because for once,
everything felt aligned.

tomorrow's thanksgiving,
i've been trying to avoid
thinking about this day
for weeks.

i've lodged the thought of
it out of my head,
i've buried it away
but i can no longer
avoid it.

i don't want to
stare at an empty
place at the table.

four plates,
four forks,
four spoons,
four knives,
four glasses,
instead of five.

having to fill the silence
with questions about
school and post-grad life,
to steer the topic away
from how empty and sad
we feel without you.

at some points,
seven months
feels the same
as one.

time physically passes by,
and the next thing i know,
it's been seven months
rather than three.

it feels subjective to me,
i've been waiting for time
to mend me and my
hurting heart
but the day hasn't
come.

living with the loss
of you will always
sting,
even if it's just a bit.

i will stare at
the empty place
tomorrow and wonder
why you had to be taken
from me.

i give thanks for the 21
years i had with you
but they'll never feel like
enough.

do they celebrate
thanksgiving in heaven?

You are loved. I know life feels difficult right now and it's like you're drowning in the middle of the ocean, struggling to breathe, but you are doing a **** good job at staying afloat. Despite your grief and sadness, you are giving life all you have and that's important to note. While this may not seem like the best you can do, I think it's the best you can do for right now. Give yourself credit for that. Yes, it's vital to give an effort to life and the people you're around but please don't forget to put forth an effort for yourself. Loving and caring for yourself has always been a tough task for you since your big heart's natural instinct is to pour love into others. You're so kind and loving, I know, but you absolutely deserve your kindness and love, more than anyone else.

You're so ******* yourself. It may seem like you're not going anywhere or only moving backwards but I swear you're making progress. Those small victories, no matter how tiny they seem, are something to be celebrated. I'm so proud of you--you've grown so much through all of this and even on the hardest days, you don't let your sadness define you or your worth. You are so much more than your sadness and I hope you'll take note of all the beautiful things there is about you. It may be hard to imagine right now but there will be a time when you don't feel so hopeless. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even in the tunnels with the most severe darkness and monster-like things waiting to terrify you.

Don't let your feelings swallow you whole. You are so strong. In a field of sunflowers, you are the tallest one that ever grew, with a sturdy stem and bright petals. i want you to remember this when you feel yourself falling down, unable to find the strength to stand tall. One day, you will be able to look back on all of this and feel satisfied because you didn't give up on yourself. There are days when you feel like existing is simply too much and you want to hide--that's okay. Sometimes life is overwhelming and you can't figure out how to deal. No one has all of the answers. I have faith you will find your way and take care of yourself.

This wouldn't have been thrown your way if you couldn't handle it. Constantly remind yourself of that. You will go through this and grow through it and bloom in ways you never even imagined. Sadness will seem like a foreign concept to you and you'll feel the warmest of rays of happiness. I'm telling you, you deserve it all. You deserve the world. You deserve the love you give to everyone else. You deserve to be happy. Even in your worst times and when you feel like you've ******* up real bad, you are deserving of good things. You have to remember you're a work in progress and not a finished master piece. Be gentle. Be warm. Be compassionate. It'll make your journey feel a little lighter and a little smoother. It's okay to be sad but don't let this be the only thing you ever feel. Seek out things that make you happy in each day, even on the days that feel a bit hellish. Happy things are all over, you just have to be willing to look for them. You can do this. You can get through this. I believe in you and so do many other people.

i'm sorry i only loved you when i was drunk

i've never believed the saying, "time heals all wounds." it puts one under the impression that if you wait and do good, we'll one day be magically healed...we'll wake up and suddenly see and feel the radiance of the sun again.

the sun has come back but i can still feel the frigid cold trying to take me away.

google defines wound (n) as: an injury to living tissue caused by a cut, blow, or other impact, typically one in which the skin is cut or broken. synonyms include but are not limited to: ****, laceration, slash, abrasion, bruise.

wounds can be physical. black and blue. scratches up and down your arm. wishing they'd go away so you can stop telling people that you ran into a tree.

wounds can be mental. feeling a tug at your heart constantly, one wrong move and you're shattered. not being able to listen to that song without bursting out in tears.

my wounds are valid whether you can see them or not. time has passed and my wounds are still begging to be seen. stop telling me i'll be okay with time.

i used to feel crazy. i was waiting for a switch to turn on. the switch would turn on and i would be healed. i wouldn't feel like this anymore. this day never came but i'm realizing this is fine.

google defines heal (v) as: to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome. synonyms include but are not limited to: mend, recover, improve.

peak moments make me feel like i'm healed. i'll laugh the way i used to. warmth takes me over. the sky is a brighter shade of blue.

low moments make me question the healing process. i'm crying. my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. i'm battling with myself in my head. suddenly i'm on a rollercoaster i can't get off of and i can't stop screaming.

the thing is, i'm constantly healing. the process never ends. my body is constantly working to heal my wounds and while they may become less visible over time, i can tell you i will always feel them.

i've accepted my wounds as a part of me. they take up space. i carry them with me everywhere i go. i'm not sure if i'd be me without my wounds.

my wounds remind me of who i am, what i'm capable of. they're proof of the battles i fought: the nights i cried and cried, the moments i felt the world was too much for me, the times i questioned my worth, when i could feel my own heart breaking.

i'm sorry to say that time doesn't heal all wounds  as i'm still hurting.

‌• you are not defined by those who refused to love you.
‌• you're still strong even on your weak days.
‌• you're beautiful, body and mind both included.
‌• it's okay to cut ties with toxic people.
‌• letting people in is hard, it takes time.
‌• forgive yourself for your mistakes.
‌• your feelings are always valid.
‌• crying can sometimes bring you back to where you need to be.
‌• hold the people who constantly check on you closest to you.
‌• love and care for yourself, don't wait for someone else to.
‌• everyone grows at their own rates.
‌• it hurt because it matters.
‌• the past tends to linger but don't let it control you.
‌• put yourself first.
‌• not everyone has the ability to understand you.
‌• you're doing a good job, try not to be so ******* yourself.
‌• don't seek out love, let it find you.
‌• your scars eventually won't cut so deep.
‌• grief is a part of a life and maybe one day it won't feel so heavy.
‌• you're worth so much more than you think you are.

like a monster
under your bed,
grief knows
where you hide.

it knows
where to go
and how to
hit you
where it hurts.

it can take
the shape
of welcoming arms
and swallow you
in one gulp.

one moment,
you are high
on the top of the mountain
and the next,
you are at
the ocean bed,
not knowing how
to swim back
to shore.

you suffer in silence
because you're not sure
anyone would get it
or even listen.
you don't let yourself cry
because you don't want
to feel the sorrow
drip down your cheek.

it's a constant battle,
trying to come to terms
with how you feel
but also not drowning
in your own feelings.

i suppose the world
doesn't owe me
anything,
but i thought
it would be
a little more fair
to me.

grief doesn't care about
who you are.
it will find you,
when you least
expect it.

grief,
we've become good friends.
you know where i hide
my secrets,
my scars,
and the things that hurt.
i never wanted you to
take up such a big part
of my life,
but alas.

i haven't overcome
you yet,
one day i will.
i'm still waiting
to make peace
with my sadness.

I was so hung up on the idea of you, the idea of us. I thought we could move mountains together but I failed to realize what I thought was there was crumbling right before my eyes. Maybe I just imagined a world where we could be together, a world where we could co-exist and be good to each other. I wanted nothing more than this but I'm realizing we're like parallel lines--we can try so **** hard but it doesn't matter, we will never touch despite being a part of the same universe.

2. The flower you gave me lies on my book shelf. Most of it's life has withered away and there's not much left, it's hardly hanging on. I'm thinking this is a metaphor for you  and I. There was a time when we were blossoming and growing but then we reached a plateau. We were causing more harm than good but we held on because ****, it hurts to let go.

3. Remember that time I spilled a beer all over myself? It was the first time we saw each other in more than a year and I remember how embarrassed I was. Luckily, I was wearing dark jeans but not so luckily, I was wearing a light pink shirt. I wore my coat all night, zipped it up to the very top. We walked around that night, you talked of your goals and aspirations. Your eyes lit up like a **** star in the sky. For that moment, it was just us and the street lights. I'd go back to it if I could.

4. You told me you were going through this weird stage of life where you were like a ghost, in and out, coming and going as you pleased. I thought I was okay with this and then you left the country for a month. It's not like I was seeing you on a daily basis but I suppose being in the same state brought me comfort. You were never that far away, I could still reach out my fingers and come close to reaching you. I wanted consistency, so bad, but I had to be satisifed with the little pieces of you that you gave me. So I had to pretend it didn't feel like a bee stung my arm when you messaged me like you never left.

5. I miss you the most on Saturday nights, when I'm coming down and I realize something feels off. These nights I miss the sound of your voice and the freckles on your face. I don't think I'm a bad person for wanting to hear from you in these moments. It's always been hard for us to be a part of the same world but I wanted nothing more. You said I treated you like empty calories. I think you're more of an ember but it seems you've forgotten all about the other bits of us. It must've meant more to me than it meant to you.

6. I let you know me--the deepest and darkest parts of me, the scars I keep hidden, the skeletons hidden away in my closet but you never let me now you. It has often come  back to me not knowing you, at the very beginning and at the end. Was I supposed to pry you open with a pair of pliers? It's hard to open a lock when you don't know the combination. You can't say I didn't want to know you, I tried so **** hard but you didn't let me. I never knew you could be so cold. And now, I'm shivering.

7. Letting go. I think I should've done this a while ago but I was in denial. My own form of insanity. Breaking my own heart just to see how much I could take. I've watched the sun set over us many times but I need a sun rise. I won't forget how gentle your touch felt.

tingles in your toes,
looking up and
seeing the same moon,
a form of disappearing,
taking a holiday
to a tropical place,
falling at your feet
because it hurts
so bad,
"hey, this song made
me think of you,"
a melody you want
to play over again,
the sun rising
over the Mississippi,
finger tips traveling
down your back,
a canvas with
different shades of violet,
drowning in a foreign body
of water and struggling
to breathe,
conversations in a
parked car,
tears streaming
down your face
like an ocean,
freshly dried
sheets,
a warm embrace,
the twinkle in
your eyes
when you talk,
saying goodbye
when you'd
rather say hello,
a flower
that just found
the strength to
bloom,
a fall day
with a slight breeze,
the sun shining
on your skin,
realizing it's
okay to let go,
white lace on
your skin,
the strand of hair
that always falls
in your face,
apologies that came
too late,
the leaves
changing colors,
the silhouette
of the person
I thought
you were,
chasing a shadow
I'll never catch,
the sun reflecting
on the water,
a path I wish
would never end,
drinking to find
you at the end
of the glass,
a flicker of light
in the dark,
smell of coffee
in the morning,
touching hands
for the last time,
a slither of sunshine
peeking through,
a summer storm,
grief that felt
like a mountain,
drunken kisses,
driving with no
destination and
losing ourselves,
the book I never
want to finish,
the roses you gave
me withered away,
the grass turning
green again after
a long winter,
brick roads
that lead to nowhere,
restarting that song
just to hear that
part a second time,
transforming into
something I never
thought I'd become.

all kinds of love in the world
but never do you experience
the same kind of love
twice.

i wish i had
never entered.
i wish i would've
looked the
other way.

(why did i let you in?)

your finger tips,
they feel like daggers.
your voice,
a song i would
never sing again.
your touch,
it feels foreign
and suddenly i'm
in a strange place.

(you're not who i thought you were)

you used to shine
so bright,
you were a star
in my sky.
the sun that lit
up my world
but you've
gone away.

(i wish i could take it all back)

the time i woke up crying,
sleepless nights,
fingers intertwined,
quiet voices,
hellos and goodbyes.

i used to look forward
to the sight of that
blue house
on the corner
but i now look away.

I don't want to believe anything truly dies. The things we love, the people we love...we carry them with us regardless of how they wither  away and leave us. Seasons pass and the petals on flowers shrivel up, the colors aren't as bright as they once were but I've thought in this state, flowers tell the most.

I have two flowers that I keep in a glass jar next to my bed. While their states of these two flowers may them alike, the stories they tell are different. The first was given to me by a boy I swear I wanted to love. I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a moment where the timing is "right." I hadn't seen him in more than a year and in a way, this was us meeting for the first time again. I'm easily pleased and this single flower lit my face up the same way a whole bouquet would. Holding on to this single flower from months ago may seem strange but to me, it represents the warmth and comfort a single person can provide you with. The reality is things don't always turn out the way you wish for them for them too...but I was thankful to have crossed paths with you. I have no problem taking a different turn on my journey if it means meeting you at the end of the road. The light you bring to my being will always shine.

There were bundles of roses placed on my grandfather's casket the day of his burial. I remember this day vividly and despite the daggers I feel in my chest when I think about it, I want to remember it forever. I've been able to come to terms with the death of my grandfather since March but the thing with grief is one moment it feels light like a feather and the next you feel yourself being suffocated by the weight of it. This single rose represents my sadness, my shaky knees and sweaty palms that day, the tears that have rolled down my face over again, and most of all, the last time I saw his face and held his hand. Holding the flower brings me back to that day. I still feel the pain so intensely but I am now able to smile, too. It's hard when the ones we love leave us. It doesn't feel fair but I'm realizing their presence will always linger. They're here and there with us, we just don't realize it.  Being without the physical presence hurts but a spiritual presence can help our grief to feel a little less heavy.

To you,  withered flowers may seem like something you'd throw in the trash and a thing to let go of but I hold on to them for the stories they tell, the emotions they keep within them. Life is full of metaphors and dying flowers are another one of those. I am reminded of the ways in which things and people don't actually die. They live on within us and the universe. Planting another flower may bring some joy to my life but the thorns of  the flower that came before will still hurt me fro time to time. That's the beauty of life and its highs and lows, there will be thorns to cause hurt but there will be new beginnings that will bloom.
It all lives on with those withered flowers that lay in a glass jar by my bed side. I am unable to let go of some things and holding on to them assures me they will not die.

I. Intensity
I feel it. Every step. Every breath. It's there. I feel it. In the air. In the trees.  In the sunshine. In the rain. It's everywhere. It's in my bones. It's in the world. I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do now. My heart feels heavy like the weight of my own personal planet. Loss and grief, they're such big things but they come to you in waves and believe me, when they try to take you back to shore, it hurts like hell and you feel it everywhere. I tried to avoid this, tried to lodge it out of my mind but it simply isn't possible. I think I'm spiraling out of control but the only person who can help me is--myself.
II. Disbelief
Roses on a casket. Touching your  hand for the last time. Tears, lots of them. Legs are shaking. Awkward hugs and handshakes. This isn't actually happening, is it? My world doesn't feel right without you and somehow I'm still expecting to come home to your smiling face. People ask me how I'm doing-- "Oh, I'm fine." I don't have the courage to be honest and tell them I'm actually a string from falling  apart. If I don't want to deal with the weight of my own emotions, why would anyone else?   Following the how I'm doing, I get the "What can I do for you?" "Oh I don't know...make my heart feel like less of a planet and make like a body part." I don't say that, of course.  I thank them for their compassion and say I don't need a thing.  
III. Numb
I put one foot in front of the other. I must find the strength to move forward. It's been two weeks now. After being consumed whole by the weight of my own emotions, I have reached the transition  from "too much" to "almost nothing at all."  At the start of this, I didn't know what to do...and I still don't know what to do. I wish there was some sort of instructional booklet for the grieving process.  Emotions, conversations, embraces-- they all start to blend together even though they're all so different.  I feel distant but not lost. I know where I am. I am still moving but somehow I feel like I'm stationary. How do I move closer? How do I not lose myself completely? Grieving, it takes different shapes. It's like a ghost that is always lingering but only makes its presence known in the worst  of your moments.

You told me you'd love me through the storm but as the sun began to disappear with the clouds, so did you. I never claimed to be a sunny day but I'm not a hurricane either. You made it seem as if I was causing havoc and tearing down houses. There were days where the clouds almost swallowed me whole and the rain couldn't seem to stop but you said it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. I used to be a sunny day with flowers sprouting and birds singing but there are things in life that change us and shape us into something different than what we once were. **** it, I just wanted you to stay. With each strike of lighting, I remember how it felt when you first kissed me. With each clap of thunder, I remember how it felt when you walked away. But don't you worry, I'm going to find someone to love me through the storm. Someone that doesn't run away at the sight of lighting. Someone that holds my hand through the thunder. I used to think I was too much for you but you weren't enough for me. This was never about me. Love isn't supposed to be a sunny day--it's a storm. But if you stick around through the difficult times, you'll get to see the sun peek through the clouds.

I am a fragment
of a broken home,
parents that were
never meant for
one another
but tried their best
to love as if
they were.
They tried to
hold it together
for us kids
but life could never
be what we wanted
it to be.

I am a fragment
of my demons,
the voice
in my head
that tells me
over and over again,
"you're not enough."
There are some days
where that voice
feels greater
than my own
and I almost want to
give in.

I am a fragment
of failed relationships.
You told me I was
"too much."
It felt like daggers
in my chest
and suddenly
I couldn't breathe.
Since then,
I have always felt
I've needed to hold
myself back
and not drown in love.

I am a fragment
of the hell I've
been through.
It wasn't easy
to get to where
I am today.
My journey was
a little ragged,
not a straight shot...
but I'm still
standing tall and
going through
this thing we call
life.

I'm a fragment
of the songs
I've played
over and over again.
Some to block out
the pain,
the tears.
Others to reach
a state of nostalgia,
in an attempt
to go back to moments
I wished to relive.

I am a fragment
of those I surround
myself with.
The constant encouragement,
the kind words,
the shoulders to lean on,
the ability to understand
why I'm like this.
Where would I be
without it?

I am a fragment
of the books I've read.
The lines I underlined
to come back to again,
the characters I saw
a piece of myself in,
the events I read about
that hit home
a little too hard.

I am a fragment
of my flaws,
my mistakes,
my imperfections.
They've eaten me alive
for most of my life
but I am beginning
to come to terms
with them.
I am seeing
the beauty I once
refused to see
within them.

I am a fragment
of my emotions.
They were always
valid and real
despite those who
tried to convince me
otherwise.
The smiles and laughs
were just as significant
as the screams and tears.
I tell myself,
"you were never crazy...
you were just figuring
yourself out."

I am a fragment
of love.
Those that I loved,
those that never
loved me.
The times that
love evoked
happiness,
the times that
love caused me
pain.
It's all the same
when you think
about it.
It was all for,
love.

I am a fragment
of the woman
I was and
the woman I am.
I didn't always
love myself like this
but god, I'm glad I
now do...
because this is something
that can never be
taken away from me.

Some days are harder than others. I look in the mirror and count my flaws one by one. The voice in my head tells me I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but sometimes I'm tempted to give in. It's such a struggle to not drown in everyone's expectations of what I'm supposed to be. I constantly reassure myself that it's okay, the only expectations I have to live up to are my own. I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I have a big heart. I tell myself these things over and over just to remind myself that my worth isn't based on the recognition of another person. I will always have value regardless of who chooses to recognize it.

Today, I will look in the mirror and tell myself how much I love her. Instead of picking myself apart and counting my flaws, I will look to the things that make me beautiful. The thick eyebrows that frame my face. The eyes that twinkle when I talk about something I love. The thighs I've earned from running hard and long miles. My ability to always love again despite the pain. We get so wrapped up in trying to be what others want us to be that we neglect what is already there.

I want you to fall in love with yourself this year, flaws and all. Find a reason to love the part of yourself that you hate the most. It's nice to be loved by others but it's even nicer to be loved by yourself. Embrace yourself. That voice in your head that tells you that you aren't good enough is wrong. You have always been enough.

**The journey to self love isn't an easy one but it sure is one of the most important ones you'll experience.

I drank to forget your face but somehow I still found you at the bottom of my glass.

Google defines detach as--
"disengage (something or part of something)
and remove it."
But Google could never tell me
how to detach myself
from the feelings that
consume me
and swallow me whole.

I'm not being irrational.
I'm not blowing things out of proportion.
I'm not overreacting.
I'm not being dramatic.
I'm not being hypersensitive.

Before pointing your fingers at me,
I want you to look at yourself.
Do you have empathy?
Do you realize these bad things can happen?
You may not say the words you speak
with the intent to hurt
but that is exactly what you're doing.

Stop ******* dancing around the problem,
like it's this fun thing to do.
Violation.
Tears shed.
Screams.
Hands on a body that isn't theirs.
Pain.
Blame where it doesn't belong.

This is reality
and you have no right
to decide how this story goes.
I ask you to step back
and think about the ways
in which you are impacting others.

If I can't detach myself,
neither can you.
******* talk.
Say words that mean something.
Speak the truth.
This is painful.
I refuse to let you pretend
as if it's not.

This is all I think about.
Unfasten, disconnect, separate, remove.
Pull off, free, disengage, loosen.
I wish I could.
I really do.
But there's nothing that can make this
go away.

I feel the walls closing in.
My breaths are shorter.
Tears.
I want to escape
but you can't escape
your own feelings,
your own pain.

It must be nice to
de
tach.
How lucky
you are.

“Be gentle.”
The thing about being a woman
is that you are taught to be
gentle
but not how to navigate a world
that will NOT treat you gently.
I’ve spent my life being
Stepped all over
Like a **** doormat.
We’re taught
It’s weak and feminine
To be gentle.
The gentle ones
Are the ones we should truly applaud
For they have found ways
To love
In a world that
Can be
So ugly.
I once hated
How my heart feels
It’s as big as this planet
But I now realize
I can love in ways that
Others can not
And while I may
Have been hurt
Often because of
this, I will embrace it.
It’s a blessing,
Not a curse.


“Don’t raise your voice.”
On Saturday,
my coach told me he could hear me
from where he was standing
and he was feet away.
He meant it as a joke,
I even laughed to hide the hurt.
I’ve been told I’m loud
For most of my life
And everyone always thinks
It’s hilarious to point out
But it’s not.
It ******* hurts.
It gets old being told,
“Lower your voice”
“Be quiet”
“God, you’re so loud”
It’s like a broken record,
One I would like to never
Hear again.
My voice is a loud roar
And it’s powerful.
I won’t apologize
For the way in which
It rings through your ears.
I feel things strongly,
I express it through
My voice.
There is no mute button
And I will be heard.

“You should probably cover up.”
I was 13
The first time I was shamed
For the clothes I wore.
In middle school,
I was stuck in a classroom
With other girls in the school.
Because our shorts were too short.
I felt suffocated.
I wanted to cry.
The walls were bland and gray,
Why me?
There was just no way
I could be in the same space
As a boy
And him be able to control myself
While my legs were out in the open
For him to see.
Like, ****.  
My shirt couldn’t be slouched off my shoulder,
Either.
Because you know that’s what
Really gets boys GOING!
Legs and ******* shoulder blades,
For God’s sake.
We instill these expectations
Into young girl’s minds
Not realizing the damage,
The daggers were throwing
At their little hearts.
I grew older
And I was still being told what to wear.
“Are you sure you should wear that?”
I had to be careful what I wore out
Otherwise a guy may think of it as
Permission to ***** and grab.
I’m not a piece of meat,
I’m not YOUR girl,
I’m not anyone to you
But that doesn’t mean
You shouldn’t respect me
For who I am,
A human being
With feelings.


“Oh, honey… He’s just mean to you because he likes you.”
A boy threw sand at me when I was 7.
It got in my eyes
And all over my new pretty dress.
All I wanted to do was cry but
I was told he did it because he liked me.
We love those who hurt us
Because when we were young
We were told this meant they liked us.
It changes as we grow older,
It’s no longer thrown sand
And playful touches.
It becomes something bigger,
Something scarier than the
Monsters that you thought
Were under your bed.
Loud screams.
Slaps.
Threats.
A black eye here,
A cut there.
You look in the mirror
And you swear you’ve
Never looked more terrible.
A lack of control.
A lack of sleep.
But, but,
He does this
Because he loves me.
Weak and trapped.
You can’t escape
Because he’s all you
Know.
Where do you go?
Love wasn’t supposed to feel like
This.


“She was asking for it.”
She had a bit to drink.
She’s feeling loose and happy.
You complimented her and
Her eyes lit up.
She’s moving closer to you,
Trusting you.
One thing leads to another
And next thing you know,
There you are,
in the bedroom.
She’s not sure if she wants this
But her clothes come off
Quick like a glove.
You’ve got her right where
You want her.
You go with it
Because how could you resist
The twinkle in her eyes
And those thighs?
Things are a bit blurred
For her
And when she realizes what you’ve done,
She’ll feel cheated and robbed
For you stole something so valuable.
Before people
Ask why you did this to her,
They’ll ask what she was wearing
And what she had to drink.
Was her shirt cut low?
Was she drunk?
How unfortunate this is.
Her life will never be
The
Same,
Changed
For…
ever.

I will unapologetically be the woman I am
I will be tough
I will raise my voice
I will wear what makes me love the skin I’m in
I will walk away
I will love myself
I will fight against **** culture

A disruption in a peaceful world, everyday I’m
At war and battling against myself.
Clouds overcast my mind. Ugh, god,
dad, I’m so sorry I’m like this.

Edge is near, I think I’m losing my balance. I
feel like I’m alone in this world.
Guilt consumes my mind. I don’t know
How to not feel like this.

Innocence has disappeared, this is a
jigsaw puzzle I simply can’t solve.
Keep me close, keep me alive.
Landfill of thoughts piling up in my mind.

Missing a piece to the puzzle of life.
No one understands why I’m like this, not even me.
Once I wasn’t this crazy,
Please don’t leave me here alone.

Quick, I feel myself falling apart.
Raging war in my mind, when will it end?
Still searching for the piece that completes the puzzle.
Tick, tick...time's running out.

Underneath this craziness is a person needing to be loved.
Visions of something better, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s
warmth I crave, I need a hand to hold. Looking at an
X-ray of this broken thing that can never be put back together.

Yes, I’m still here. My sanity may not be but I am.
Zigzagging.

Sierra, don’t be so hard
on yourself.
Treat yourself as if
you are the world’s treasure
because that’s exactly what
you are.
I know sometimes you feel
as if you hold the world
on your shoulders
but I’m here to tell you
you’ll be okay
and to just breathe.
Stop giving second and third chances
to people who didn’t exactly
deserve the first.
It’s in your heart to
always see the good in people
but you shouldn’t feel guilt
for the times you have to
let go.
The world is yours,
I want to go out
and discover it.
Never be afraid to take
that jump,
someone will always be
there to catch you.

Pearls remind me of you and the time we shared together. I don't know what it meant to you, but to me, it meant the world. My pearl necklace could almost be thought of as a symbol... A symbol of something beautiful, something that was bigger than us. *Just know that I always think of you when I put it on.

I miss when all I could think about was love, being in love and how much I loved you

EVERY TIME YOU FEEL LOVE IT WILL BE SO DIFFERENT

It's almost 4 AM and you're on my mind. ****.

Our song came on and instead of pressing skip like I usually would, I let it play and take me back to a place of me and you

Today was my cousin Joe's birthday, but I think of him more as an uncle considering he's closer to my dad's age than mine, that's besides the point of this, though. I haven't seen him or talked to him in 5 to 6 years due to  his mental conditions. The past 10 years or so have consisted of a lot of ups and downs for him. I can't remember when exactly it was, but it was fairly recent, that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. When I had found this out, I was probably a pre teen and I didn't fully understand what this meant, but I do remember feeling a punch to my chest. Joe was my best friend when I was child and he was a vital part how growing up went for me. I always looked forward to holidays and family gatherings because I knew he'd be there and we'd get to spend time together and share laughs. When he was diagnosed, he was no longer around... He needed to get help and as sad as that made me, I knew it was for the best. Today was his birthday, today I called him meaning it'd be the first time we had talked in almost six years. I could tell he wasn't the same man he was when I was a child, but that didn't make a difference, I was just happy to hear his voice. He hadn't realized I had already graduated high school or that I was on my first year of college or that my sister had a baby. At certain points in the conversation, he had called me by my sister's name, but I knew I shouldn't take it personally, I knew he knew that it was me he was speaking to. He had said my voice was calm and that I sounded just like my father, I never thought that was something I would be happy to hear. When the circumstances aren't what they once were, you come to appreciate what you get. You appreciate the little things because the big things are no longer something you can experience. How can you possibly make up the time  loss in six years through a sixteen minute phone call? You can't, but I sure as hell did try. I never realized how much I had changed in those years until he had picked up the phone. I realized I wasn't the same little girl and I didn't have the same dreams I had that time in my life. He was different, too. Not the golly man he once was. He hadn't lost the light that kept him going though and I think that's really important to consider. Mental illnesses are always going to be mental illnesses, but what is important is you don't let them win. You don't realize how significant a person's mental health is to their well being until you see the mental health of someone you love spiraling down at a fast speed, potentially taking them away at any moment. You're not your mental illnesses, you'll always be my best friend. "I love you, kid." "I love you, too." That's what was said before I clicked the end button on my iPhone.

I wanted it. I wanted this. Most importantly, I wanted you.

Maybe we'll meet again one day at a coffee shop in the city and then, the timing will be right

It's off but that doesn't mean I don't adore you

I was always told that time would heal all wounds. It'd be okay, I'd be okay... It'd all get better with time. Often times it felt as if my "clock" had stopped or had some form of arthritis and I'd be stuck in this constant state of being miserable. I realized that time doesn't in fact heal all wounds but I'm okay with that. Time may not be able to cure all, it just comes down to how we use our time. Will you use it to find the good in the bad or will you let time pass you by?

You saw sunshine in me when I saw complete darkness

You've planted flowers in places where I saw nothing but gray spots

Your eyes are galaxies I want to get lost in

I'm drowning in you and there's no turning back now

It really terrifies me, you know? The fact that you already know me so well and eventually you'll know me inside and out. Letting people in has never been an easy task for me. I always hated the idea of the other person having an upper hand, something to hold over me. You know my favorite songs and how my eyes will light up if you were ever to turn them on in your car. You know my favorite books and the parts I read more than once, just because they were that good. You know how I like my poetry, emotion so tense and raw you can cut it with a knife. You know the way I awkwardly laugh when I can't find the words to explain my thoughts to you. You know what I don't like about myself, but more importantly, you know what I love about myself. You know of the things I don't really like to talk about and you understand, you understand the way I've hurt. You know the movies I like and which ones I have on replay. You know that on most days, I'm one wrong move away from insane, but you like me anyways. You know that I tell a lot of pointless stories but you still look at me with a fire in your eye, as if I'm telling you your favorite story from when you were a child. You know of my dark past but you also know of my bright future. You know of the way I once hated myself and beat myself up, you now know of the way I love myself and treat my body like a temple. You know of the stupid stories from when I was a child and you somehow find them funny. You know of my goals, my dreams, and where I hope to see myself one day. You know of my flaws, my imperfections, and my little mishaps. You know of the weird habits I have that I would rather not have most people aware of... I must ask, "Why me?"

The coffee on my lips
makes me think
of you
and that time we sat
for hours
as if time was endless
and the world had stopped
for you and I

I feel most at home
when my pencil is hitting the paper
or my fingers are hitting the keys

I write to have a voice
a voice that screams to be heard
a voice that has been crying out
for so long

I am no longer willing to sit in silence
I deserve to be heard
and I'll scream until someone listens

My pain has been overlooked
my words have been belittled
my voice has been hushed

But not for any longer

"You and me were always with each other before we knew the other was ever there."

I always thought that I knew who I was and the woman I ought to be. Lately, I'm really not so sure anymore. Actually, I'm not sure of much of anything anymore. Life is weird and always changing. The only constant thing is the sky. We can always look up. The stars will always twinkle. The sun will always shine. The moon will always be a mystery. I think I was so set on a certain version of "myself" that it caused me to lose myself. I was so focused on pleasing those around me that I forgot to ask myself what it wanted.

The concept of time is weird. One minute you're fifteen and you think you know what the world is all about, but it turns out you don't. The next minute you're nineteen and trying to figure out what the hell to do with your life and how to do this "adult" thing.

Song: This Charming Man by The Smiths

I've tried, I really have, to wrap my mind around you and who it is you are, but I really can't seem to. I've never met another person of your kind, your build, your persona. You've endured so much pain in your life so far but yet you still have your own strange personal sense of hope and I don't think anything is more beautiful. The way you make me feel like I've known you all my life, is simply unreal. You understand me better than the people I've been around for years, how do you do that? I tore the walls down for you, the walls that I usually hold up so high. I just had a feeling about you and that feeling has proven to be, right. I've always been told to go with your gut feeling. The words you speak have such a flow to them that I think I could spend an entire day listening to you talk. Your stories are fascinating and the way you put your sentences together are so delicate, but still hit hard. The amount of wisdom I can decipher through your words is unreal. You're so beyond your time. You're so honest with your emotion, you let yourself be vulnerable and you don't even care. It's impossible to not appreciate a person who lets their flaws and true emotions be visible. Now that you are a daily part of my day, it's much different...but the best feeling of different I've ever experienced.

*One day, you will be the strongest and smartest man alive. I promise.

"The moon moves oceans. It makes the Earth tremble from afar and it is beautiful. That is how I see women. Graceful but ferocious." -A boy who fascinates me

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to love the way
my thighs jiggle

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to appreciate
my thick eyebrows

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and to remember that my eyes
twinkle like no other

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to treat my body
like a temple

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and that everyone's definition of beauty
is different

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to accept
that I'll never fit society's standards
but that it's okay

I've learned that I'm beautiful
and that's the most important part
of all

I really believe in the past few months, I've changed and grown more than I have my entire life. I guess it's not much of surprise with the whole college thing, but I didn't see it coming. I'm not the person I was my freshman year of high school, heck, I'm not even the person I was in August. Change is a weird thing, but despite what we think, life isn't meant to be constant. I've learned a lot about love and even more so, falling out of love. I always thought the quote "if you love someone, let them go" was a cliche, but I promise you it's not once you're actually faced with the decision yourself. After sharing so much of your life with another individual, having to let them go can be an incredibly hard thing... but sometimes in order to prosper and grow, you both have to be apart. It doesn't mean the love was lost or that you still don't actually love them, it just shows that what you two shared was bigger than the two of you and it should be left at that... love that can't be explained, what a beautiful thing, right? I've learned a hell of a lot about friendships and the kind of people you want in your life. My amount of friends isn't abundant, but the quality of my friends is. My friends at home and my friends at school are not one of the same, but I think that's why I enjoy them so much. They bring different things to my life. My friends at school, it's unreal. I've experienced so much with them in the little four months I've known them. I'll never forget that Sunday where our daily lives seemed so little, because She was almost gone. My friends at home really proved that distance doesn't change a thing... home is always where the heart is. Pain I've realized is something we are lucky to experience, because it's real. How lucky are we to experience raw emotion? Emotions that are those of our own. I was always ashamed to feel hurt, to cry, to feel pain, or just feel emotion at all... but now I see that I should have been embracing it a long time ago. Those of us who aren't afraid to show how we feel are the true heroes. We let others know that it is okay, it's a part of life. Maybe we should stop thinking being overly emotional is a bad thing, it's a gift almost. To feel for everything and everyone, not everyone gets to experience that kind of thing and it's beautiful, really. Embrace your feelings because another day here is never guaranteed. I've learned that I'm beautiful, despite what anyone tries to tell me. No, my body isn't what makes me beautiful. My mind is what does. My ability to turn words of nonsense into gentle verses of poetry tells you more than my appearance ever will. I've realized that I think in the flow of poetry and I don't think I'll ever going to be the same again. Is that the joy of being a writer? When a sentence you say sounds like it came out of a novel and you find yourself rhyming, without even giving it a second thought. The last few days of 2014 have felt longer than the entire year itself. The end of 2014 is a blur really, high school isn't something I like to give much of a second thought to... and as for starting my new adventure, college has been something for the books. Memories I'll never forget and people I want to be around when I'm one day married with little people who are half of me. These last few days have felt extremely significant and changed me without even meaning to. I've just realized how precious life is, how **** lucky we are to be standing here... Life is a bunch of little moments that are part of a bigger picture, they all set one another off. Every little thing matters. I've realized my words have the ability to change the world, maybe they already have? But you see, I'm just getting started. I'm just beginning to grow and mature. My journey has far more twists and turns and I don't know where I'll end up, but isn't that the wonder of life?

A wise man I know once told me
a thing or two about death
we can spend a day in this world
or we can spend 85 years here
and somehow live the same life
when it comes down to it
it's not how much time we spend here
it's how we spend it
will you spend your life slaving away
or will you spend your life making sure the ones you love
know how widely you love them
an entire lifetime can be lived over duration of one night
time is all in our heads

It's as if you walked in to my life and suddenly, my soul realized that you are everything it was looking for.