shame leaving me a widow in the window
singing the haunting notes of doom
writing in blood with feather plumes
shame convinced me about you
the prince carries broken promises
i thought i could stitch, ditch the rust
the jagged edges continued to cut
fiction, your diction, death by a thousand cuts
in and out of honeymoons, in and out of therapy rooms
beating me down mentally never enough for you
obtrusive, abusive, obtaining the useless
to use it, to ruin, dispensing the fruitless
beat me down, screaming out, enough is enough
call back your hounds
this is not love

your true colours remind me of my old bruises
the hues, the truth stuck in my throat
the feeling of being useless
your truth cannot rectify the divide inside
the echoing of inner child cries
the pain is stuck inside
choking on my insecurities
you were supposed to be my security
the foundation is weak
too scared to speak
choking on my impurity
will you still stay through the grey?
when i rain, will you hide away?
strive today for a idyllic place
to lay my head, to plan, protect
to understand your hands
as soft not violent
as truth not sufficing
why is my heart so divided?
can we make amends?

I read and read but the words do not stick
trying to forge a path but the plants are too thick
my brain fills with mist, my days i reminisce
i was simple before the downloads
now i etch the voices of my mind into the poetry i write
so i shuffle my tarot cards laced with divine
now is never the time, they say, i fray
i am fickle, riddled with adversity
i am tickled by you thinking you deserve me
a dinner date and you expect to open my legs
i say my thoughts but they get lost in your primitive state
ephemeral, see me through the lens of withdrawal
chemical, plentiful, ego mixed with alcohol

coals of the days
warm summer paved
deprived still we try
to go our own way

flowers in the trash
wilted and rash
deprived still we try
to let the car crash

ego a mess
cannot make amends
making me feel like the excluded kid

summer solstice
tea drinking
my mind is budding with all this thinking
of the future, of the past
but the present is all i have
i sink into the beauty like a swimming pool
i escape into the forest and find the moon

you can’t see me in your future
you can only see me if your present
should i accept this as blessing?
he will see it in time, my shine
my brillant blues draped across the sky
my wings meeting the sunlight
do you dream of me at night?
plagued by nightmares of you leaving my side
skipping away for a dusk ride
tripping over some new type
i want to fulfill, i want real
i want to understand how you feel
i want to help you stay still
deep breaths while the tears flow
rivers and oceans full
i let you in to my soul, still wasn’t enough
wasn’t enough for you to know
whether you wanted it or not
said you cared but it feels like you are stringing me along
wanting for my confidence to kick in
for the ending of my swan song

i tried to be perfect, still trying hard
you make me feel undeserving
still trying hard, trying the hardest
i am too far now, the farthest
planted seeds in the winter
of course there was no harvest
my mind is too good at being honest
the linchpin, my fondness

each cycle ends but i cannot pretend
a part of me doesn’t pray to see your hand at the end
create spaces for you to soak in my head
misrepresenting everything in hopes of the best
keep it quiet and only unravel in my diary
keep it silent and pray nobody can see

Alone another night, victim to my mind
Trying to write the feelings down, scratch that and rewrite
None of the words and sentences accenting the pain enough
I am tired of this replaying movie, can it stop?
Manifest something different as the sun descends
Hoping that I can have a partner in crime to cry to
Another lonely night hoping that Clyde can save my life
Maybe not save per se but alleviate this pain
Of being stray harboring waterfalls of strain
Give me a rush like ******* but do not hurt me the same
Waiting for my Clyde in vain
Let us wait

my mind is a ravenous fire
fuelled with gluttonous desire
feed it something every hour
only rest when it digests
but it rises like the tides towards the sun
my mind is a ambitious one

I craved intimacy, thought your hand on me would free me
I thought that if you embraced my waist, all my tears would fade
I thought pain and shame would be buried in my adoration of you
But little did I know love is a scary thing and I subconsciously ran before it caved in too
So this cycle I perpetuate leaves me in a constant state of disarray
I can't decide which fear controls me inside but I do recognize I need to change the ties
Like a spider creeping on my back, my cat appears with love
Rubbing her head against everything craving my attention indefinitely
The eyes closed, so close, the love I have been craving
So I give the love I been craving to my baby and she returns it to me
Suddenly the act of loving unconditionally is no longer foreign to me

The wind whispers in my ear to take a leap
With blind fate trust divine fate
A fool balancing on a thin line, straight to heaven
But my death could be my investment

But if I don't go I'll have thoughts of regret that overflow
My cups of abundance
Always second-guessing your loving but never could really know
But I take off my rose coloured glasses and close my eyes

Let my intuition and your vibe be the guide
To carefully step, one at a time
Until next thing I know I am falling to die

The abrasive breeze suddenly carrying me
Spirit would never let me plummet to my demise
The wind underneath my wings eager to save my life
Next time I won't negotiate in my mind
Just simply walk the line

Brilliant beams sent by the moon to me
Always understanding my perfect remedy
Whenever the world is too chaotic I can always come to you for peace
And serenity
Guaranteed that I will feel better and at ease
The orange flower birthed in my subconscious
The bud was never a tracked process
Like a rose that grew from concrete, we grew from doom
From trauma and drama, it conceived me anew
Get me my broom, let me taste the sky
Get me my love, let us dance all night
Put me underneath your tongue, show you a joyride
Love being in love with you, so different than what we knew

study the parabola
wonder when i’ll peak
can i survive the heat?
distill deceit
study the hypothesis
wonder when i’ll resist
can i remain authentically rich?
distill disrespect
mismanaging bliss

bashful, ash blonde hair
unnatural how much he cared
burnt like a cigarette
slurs always hurled at him
unassuming he still cared
joyful, knew it wasn’t fair
try again like a spare
to be cut like a pear
misunderstood, too aware

cold drinks in the warm breeze
seeing the burning of evergreens
i used to know where to roam
but you always roam without a home
who am i without the soil i’ve known?
cannot grow in these conditions but sometimes comfort zones act as limits

callously cradling curious kids
hounds make the sounds to scare the men
hurricanes in my periphery
violent wash, electricity
buying unobtainable zen

Like a snake shedding skin, Only holding my identity to the moment
You want to keep me frozen in time, frozen in space
But I wasn’t even the same person a dozen days ago, constantly embrace the flow
From one goal to the next, from one bed to the next
Never dreaming of what's ahead, just ready for any tests
Might trip up on my coolness and ponder on our past
The long chats, the defined abs
Abstract my memories are
Glimpses in my art
Fell before our hands met
My heart burning up like a cigarette
**** you still got your hook deep in this Pisces’ head

*** laude
but still survive by making lattes
oat, soy, or is 2% okay?
my tongue strains from over complicated names
i’d rather be where the trees meet the beach
i’d rather see where the ocean meets me
i’d rather be in the in between
i’d rather be surfing in tropic scenes
but i am clocked in
dialled in to deliver the best service
i am locked in
dialled in to automate, surrendering purpose
shocking the lack of stopping
the earth keeps earthing

asking questions to fill the space
too many questions
puzzle pieces my mind hides from me
too many questions
wondering what i am bound to be?
is there any choice, should i rejoice?
in the unshakability of my story
or should i try to break the mold?
colour outside of the lines, abandon the box
I've been told a lot, i've been sold a lot
of fake dreams, anxiety brewing
too many questions
what am i doing?

community, can't seem to find the unity
between you and me
only use me as a utility
I feel drained, I feel faint
I feel like this is deja vu
been down this route, at least two times
I've cried over this too many times
to keep it bottled up like *****

encapsulate the evergreen
you could never fulfill any need
the itch, you could never scratch
the b*tch, i should’ve smacked
encapsulate the evergreen
you could never understand anything
closed off but claim receptive
chose wrong, twice neglected

sweet until sour, drunken chatter
everything i wished for came true
if only my lil baby self knew
each tear was a seed, they mattered
not just feeding the stream
powerful, i feel power

i linger in the tub
long after the heat has left
i wait until it chills my bones
shivers down my spine
i linger in the tub tonight
bubbles sparsely sit on the surface
my pain is slowly unearthing
an iceberg, deeper than expected
an iceberg, how much i’ve been neglected
an iceberg, dive into my tempest
an iceberg, the weight of deflection

i hope my hope doesn’t break me in half
tried to fit within the margins
tried to damage my confidence
tried for the last
i hope my hope doesn’t keep me stagnant
accepting of every ***** hand
accepting the present as best as it gets
accepting for the last
i hope my hope doesn’t make me lose track
keeping score of my blackest past
keeping mindless men in my grasp
keeping for the last
i hope my hope doesn’t

Godsent; tangled in bed
Loveless until I heard the first word you said
Solitude to interweaving my hands with you
Penetrating the thoughts in my head
Cannot escape your eyes or memories of your hand

Your energy I am drunk off again
Moments with you I can feel my ascent
Body morphed into yours; wearing your scent
Love is beyond simply frolicking in bed

It's a state of a mind, an appreciation
It's a sweet embrace, no complications
In love with your body but your mind grabs me
Piques my interest, keeps me invested

Want my fingers to graze every cell of your brain
Want to taste every memory filled with pain
Absorb all your emotions and connect again
I have a feeling it's you and me at the end