I will pretend this day doesn't exist
Just like the person, it demands remembrance
But only in the locked ivory pages of my diary

The pain I have yet to unpack all come rushing back
The memories of you and the present lack
I cannot say you were an inspiration
I cannot say you taught me how to be a good man

I can say that behind my willowed face of pain
That I will always be apart of you but not in vain
I will take the gifts bestowed and continue to grow
Without you and let karma give you the seeds you sowed
All poisonous like the tainted water I had to grow in
Your toxicity within me so potent

Invaded my home unwillingly like a rodent
We supposed to be forever and always but your actions rendered you an opponent
I was hand-fed rage by your hard hands and I failed to notice.

I have been getting high
Waking up without a clear ending of the last night
Living in the present until I can fly
To a new world, of new forms
To a new world, with reform
So I don’t have the burden of truth that I must succumb to
Do not have to prove my worth to anyone if I don’t want to
To just float around and kiss the cheeks of many
Not a servant of capitalism, no thoughts of pennies
Or nickels, just the dime that caught my eye
Just a leaf that sits on the breeze
Someone destined for me
Who I will find in the time
My karma coming to my side
No negativity only prizes
Whatever falls down will continue rising

I wipe the tears away at night
I handle the storms inside
I trust in my own light
I surrender to the divine
I am more than my emotions and more than my moments
I am a sum of all the lives I've lived and every heart I've kissed
I've lost and won but they bleed into one
The experience and memories are all that follow me not my accolades and trophies
I take each day to target my pain and eradicate it away
Every day is a new beginning to start a new way
Like the fool, I am in constant change
My nomadic mind cannot be tied
To one culture or one belief
Because that would be preventing me
From being as open as the thousand petal lotus
I am devoted to nothing except my destiny
The road very sporadic ahead and can only see as much as I am meant to be
But according to God's plan, I am winning
I throw myself off of mountains to connect to the sea
I throw myself off track when I don't believe in me
I know I am not alone in this world and will never be
Not with my ancestors and angels protecting me
I have experienced pain and sorrow but at their discretion
I have also experienced an overwhelming amount of blessings
So I have taken them as they come including the lessons
Because I was put on this earth for a reason and I have to respect it

does everything that is whole have a centre?
been trying to find my centre, been on ******
lost friends, lost numbers
cruise control, build a new home
you can lay your eggs in my old nest
switched lanes, prayed for the best
i confessed, survived with less
burning bridges, island oasis
double down, justice i’ll face it
tolerate too much then nothing more
i am so abrasive

in a different bed, in a different city
yet there are pieces of you that linger in me
dreams of your scent, nights breaking bread
if only we could hold out until infinity
too late, first mistake was falling
too late, second mistake was calling

My ivory skin compliments your white lies
broke into my castle underneath my skin
walked all over the clean floors and broke all the windows
Reminded of you every time the wind blows
my queen bed making my ego feel inferior
Got under my skin, cannot even feel safe in my own interior
my secret oasis of waterfall tears, interrupted by your bittersweet dears
leave me strung out on feelings of ecstasy and empathy
the cycle of manipulation and the growth of green envy
Slowly wrapping around my neck, squeezing my back
under the enchantment of your snake eyes
the devil takes many forms didn't expect it to feel so right
Drape me in your energy as I kiss the moonlight

bizarre how my brain twists
each and every memory
knives in my back from
each and every enemy
bloodstained, drained energy
pumping through mindless days dreadfully

swimming in green waters dreaming
puking black, trapped in seaweed
predator turned prey
brown hair turned grey
wrinkled skin and confidence caved in
just do it already
end the suffering
just do it already
just do it

singing notes gives me ropes to escape this pit
lingering shame, my mind is a river,  i am trying to sit
with the goodness like the badness
sunset, deep breath, seasonal sadness

screaming words to birds because nobody understands me
throwing rocks into the river praying for someone to establish me
learning to be okay with average
embracing the rainy days, days of madness
sunset, deep breath, seasonal sadness

Following the waterfalls birthed from my jade eyes, I feel duede
I feel free, connected to the divine and welcoming happy endings
To my problems that are rendered insufficient by the grand scheme of things
I recommend introspection to get to the root of things
To not be clouded by the snow mist that sits upon our minds
Freezing the creativity preventing us the ability to thrive
To spend all our time dissecting lies
To spend our time believing eyes
But deep within our intuition knows
That they are lying simply by the crinkle of their nose
Or the bead of sweat dancing elegantly on their forehead
My sixth sense I cannot pretend
Not to notice the lack of devotion and the bubbling of repressed emotion
Just close your eyes and dive into the blue blue ocean

witnessed the solution to the pollution of my childhood
the remedy was embracing our distinctive energies
not trying to mold or subjugate each other
but coming to terms with the stories we skew
no longer needing to spew venom due to a defense mechanism
its growth simply
reality rids me of my dramatic stories that impacted my sensitive inner child
in reality, I was projecting my insecurities onto
everyone expecting something vile
to spill out of their mouth
tough love, rough love
never knew when enough was enough love
but I’m grown
and I own my flaws but I'm dedicated to walking in my higher path

Oddly enough, it's no longer tough for me to let everything fall apart
Diamond in the rough, I shine no matter what
heartstrings sing through my eccentric art
every piece of me in motion like a river
need that constant change like I need my liver
but still, I drink until it goes black, the abyss always has my back
my dreams don't seem so distant when I do not have any vision
I am so anxious lately, understanding I never had any control innately
debating on what to do, what to say, how to live, what game to play
I am a student of logic, my days as metaphysical as the forms
in which I seem to aspire to, tired of number two
will I be number 1 for someone or always an afterthought
I have too many thoughts for my own good
The only one that has time for me is the moon
feel so claustrophobic in these 4 white-walled rooms.

I don’t know what I want to be or not want to be
I can barely find myself within the labyrinth
maze of bleeding days and internalized strays
wondering how I am going to establish
my place in this strange space
all these new faces, will I hold up
confident until I compete
on top of it until I break
everything is overwhelming me

There’s always been a hairline fracture in my heart
The beats odd and off
There’s always been a strange attraction to the dark
Can’t decide if it’s evil or not
I hear the seductive whispers of something from the far
I clutch my fist and pretend I’m in my home
With my eyes closed, my mind roams
From the place I’ve known, to the place I can go
The white light creeping in like a cat
The blue hues painting my toes like the waves of the shore
The bliss I feel cannot be counterfeit
But that was just another of your many lies
To make it want it so bad that you could come inside
But I cannot go with you and you cannot go with me
I’m learning the lesson of filling my own cup
I’ve grown tired of my tired father drinking my cup
I’ve grown tired of the lack of fatherly love
I’ve grown tired of being the one always left out
I’ve created walls that rival China
I’ve created walls that dynamite can hardly dent
I’ve created a lush jungle that exists in between the bricks
My happiness rolled in once I realized there was nothing I needed to fix
That love was a birth right and not a prize for doing something right
My lack of love taught me the power of love, that I can make inside

does anything really matter
what would happen if I ran into the forest
dipped this ****, missed my shifts
no longer be subjugated by the master
wouldn't that be bliss
to create art, to determine what matters individually
not a silly stone on a rich woman's jewelry

my summer anklet my only remains from my sun perfumed days
out on the beach, splashes of water
dismantling the house of burdens forged on my shoulders
I like simplicity, too much chaos in the city
my anxiety revving up like the motorcycle I was too nervous to ride
I start another year of university, first time not in the void of cyberspace
an echo chamber it feels like, daydreams of paradise to get me through
classes fill my days and my alarm can no longer snooze
but plenty of ***** and bud, still on the run towards the old summer fun
impermanence has me baffled I am so pussyfooted
my dreams unraveling but its not as I thought
wishes are tricky, shooting stars can inflict harm
at what cost, am I too soft, is the world too hard?
thoughts as I sit on the train and sing a somber song

Toes digging into the water, my mind is so clear
Floating on the boat forgetting my fears
Kissing the sun forgetting you my dear
Hair perfumed with salt, beach waves
Skin laced with lotion, sunbeams
Smile painted on, the house of cards cave
Makes me soar like dragonflies and rationalize my problems let them be disguised
Within the shivering black that the sun cannot penetrate
Within the deepest depths that harbor sea monsters' eyes
A mouth of chiseled layered teeth and skin so scaly and slick
No ounce of fear I have inside
Relaxing within its mouth because my rise was prophesized

I used to begrudge
I used to dream of
My family unit resembling the ones on the screen
Disney was the culprit of my delusions and dreams
That in my current situation could never fathom peace
But in my puddles of tears, I finally see the crown on me
The emerald accentuating my babydoll eyes
These eyes that vow not to cry
Over many things, I lust for
And trustful in the universe
That will deliver everything meant for me
In spades
Convinced me that was bound to be would be
Then suddenly I was the powerful being I was meant to be