This is difficult to think.
This is difficult to write.
But I've been lying awake,
pondering* this thought at night.

To say I never loved before you-
just doesn't feel right.
Because I am the one
who loves all of life.
I am the one who loves despite-
one's tendency to fight
being loved, or to return love
with only spite


I have accepted myself,
and all things in their respective rights.
What plagues me is more complex;
I am trying to give it light.

I was  in love with you,
but I'm vexed  by this new found sight.
I would never ever risk
complications in the form of fight.
Never not give him my best,
even if I'm showing my selfish side.
And I never loved you
quite like I love him,
I just don't know,
is that alright?

What will you do?
When faced with the untrue?
That is dying to break you into two?
Living to make you something unglued?

What will you do?
Skip the record backwards a few?
Listen to the song until it is through?
Ignore the message though it finds you?

What will you do?
When you have exhausted your options?
When you have loved with your all, all too often?
When you have given all your chances?
Gave in to fear, and missed out on romances?

WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Is the only question with weight.
Sends you swinging right out of the gate.
Gives you control over thy fate.

So, please...don't wait.
What will you do?
Answer it....
before it is too late*.

Before you
speak
do
wish
think
or feel

think about it
for yourself,
make sure it's real.

Because nine times of out ten, chances are you'll catch your mind
in a game of pretend. The only difference is there's no fun in the end.
Just a lonely game for one, *so why begin?

Okay,*
So you just-
Go around spreading hate
and whatever you feel *inside.
Go around stealing light
and dulling the shines,

of every happy soul that,
couldn't go to that
dark place
you hide.

I wish I didn't see that
You could not believe that
Inside me burns
all my past lives

Oh yeah,
but it's okay you will learn some day,
the worst you fear is surely on its way
I will never bend
or give in
with my ways

**All that is good lives to die some other day.

2:22*
giving you absence,
in hopes to not give you
blue.
because I know this world,
what else can we do?
Then Louis comes on at 2:22
Singing of a world so wonderful
and true,
reminding me how wonderful
it is to *just be by you.
But I will not give in,
to temptations that brew
I will love you until then
and I know
you will *love me too.

What am I to do?
Insanity feels like
my mind
always landing
back on you.

All we have is now,
so what is now
without you?

I'm afraid to find out
lengths I might go to,
fires I walk through
Only for you.

Just to see you smile,
to make the sun shine
for some while.
Man, oh man...
what is it that you do?

You break barriers
into two
And out comes
heaven
guised
as humanity,
Completely new.
You redefine time,
Meaning the rhyme
Of this world
I thought
I knew
is through.

Missing:* an angel of heaven.
Found: inside your eyes.

You wake me.
Invade me.
I am more alive
Than I have ever been
My entire life.

Feeling displaced

plays with
time and space

It's a relative race
to a finishing place
ahead of the grace
of my human race.

Why do I have to be so perceptive?
To those being deceptive.
It burns through my
third eye's retina
emerita
of no nebula
aware of
everything.
Failing me never.
I guess I can thank God
for having made me
so clever.

Once again I fear,
I am only here
to steer
the sheep
into lamb.

What a nice plan!

Yet, lonely indeed...
A heart so full of love
can still bleed.
While you all fill each other's needs
I am alone, trying to get you to believe.

Aladdin and Jasmine
aren't the only ones
to experience a whole new world,
I have begun.

And it's so refreshing,
this time I won't come undone
Somewhat of a blessing
and tremendous fun.

You're a breeze to the soul,
when it's had a harsh summer.
Cooling the affects of my heart's tolls,
like my favorite November.

I hope you're someone I'm glad to remember,
Regardless I'm sure you'll join the club of my heart
as an exclusive member.

The reason I have indifference
about my own fate,
I know it lies in the hands of
He who is Great.
I know I am His,
it is never too late.
But I can't stop taking care of others
while there are so many left to save.

Notecards strewn across the table
Like postcards of why I'm unable
To study Biology.
Okay...it's because you're unavailable
No need for psychology
I'm clearly enamored
And you noticed so quickly
How your stare made my heart hammer
If you are anything but what you are
My expectations dampered
I see a brightly shining star
Able to handle
Everything we are
I think no other holds a candle

What if I told you
I'm happier than I once was?

What if I told you
Life isn't something we all thought up?

What if I told you
I'd still like to hold you
And give you love that
I never used to have?

Oh darling,
Let's forget I just said that.

"You don't go looking,"
He said unto me.
"Stop searching, be honest.
It's all you'll ever need
To see. What you seek."

I did
I believed.

It seems for the first bit
I was always Gatsby,
Lightly tugging on threads
but never having anything unravel.
I'd march madly through the world
Missing the point, by love I was blind.
Daisy, oh Daisy,
To have her love again
'Twould be divine.

And then I lost my Daisy.
"She" flirted with the idea of a return.
But it never stuck, call it bad luck
Regardless, a lesson was learned.

In Part Three, the now,
Gatsby became Nick.
I saw my own self.
My self drawn hell
And I knew Gatsby
couldn't stick.

And I thought quietly to only myself...

To never return to Gatsby, old sport,
would be quite swell.

Because you interpret what you want,
not what I meant.

Don't like my poems because...
You think they color me in a light
that is easier to accept.
I am, what I am, all things-
My past, present
None of it I regret.

Don't like my poems because
you think I'm a genius.
I am just a 22 year old girl,
struggling to type this two minutes
before you will read it.

Don't like my poems because
I am pretty.
Well thank you.
But there's SO MUCH MORE
to anyone of us
But I really am grateful.

Don't like my poems because
you want me to like yours.
I probably will, already do,
I love all verse.

Don't like my poems because
I said do not like them.
I am human,
doing my best
and these words...at least I get them out
most insecurities, doubt, and humanity
**fight them

A gift confers no rights.
Is it not to be given freely?
How does one love anything
without seeing it clearly?
Those rosey lenses you wear
while looking my way,
will break when the morning comes
and I have nothing left to say.
It isn't the lenses' fault
or the the changing view.
The fault of displeasure
lies solely on you.

I'm not shocked
How saddened I can become
Yet the boat isn't rocked.

Sailing out beyond me
Expectations on the shore
I think we will live fully
Everything we want and more.

It wasn't me and you truly
That I could not ignore.
Sails adjusted to me.
Asking for more.
That's what really threw me.
There are no closed doors
Now everything is blooming
Better than before.

What more can I say?
You fell in love with
what you thought was her,
but all you saw were
words on a page.

I see it all.
Thus love occurs.

The way he views the giant world.
The innocence dancing across their faces.
Those who feel no separation of races.
The purity of my fellow girl.
the music leaking from their hiding places.
the lessons they hear when they listen.
the eyes before the cry, their slight glisten.

Human beings never truly realize
how beautiful it all is.
I am dying all the time
The least we could all
do is live.

But eventually, at some point
you will fade away.

and what happened here will
no longer matter.

There will be no evidence of
betrayal
lust
sin
anxiety
worry  
or anything else.

So why give this importance
instead of everything else?

It's about loving what is in front of you-
nothing else.

We see people everyday we'll never see again.
Why put it all on me?
Why not love anyone of them?

I can't undo what I did,
I would do it again.
The importance of all of it you might never understand.
But that's for you to discover now,
as I can't and won't
hold your hand.
Sorry To Be A Let Down,
but as it is
I am what I am.