Julia Aug 20
She

Sadness is like sipping sea drops drowning down the trench
Sadness is the stain of rain glazed moonbeams on a bench

Sadness is my soulmate; sadness she's my willing wench
Softly singing spirits sleep when sorrows are all spent

Learning to love myself through pain
Mikaail Jun 8

I woke up
Today (so tired)
And I’m…
Not sure what
I’m doing (so very tired)
But I think,
I am thinking?

Am I thinking?
What’s my name?
Who am I?
Why?
What’s the point?
Why am I here?
Can I leave now?

Only
A
Few
Long
Painful
Relentless
Hours till escape

Not rest
Exactly
Just…
Absence
A necklace of rope
Too many down the hatch
Too easy

Sometimes it’s
Better
To be kept
In the dark
Safer and Quieter
Safer but Colder
Safer but Alone

Somewhere where
Light
Doesn’t shine
Doesn’t reveal
Doesn’t destroy
Can I go to sleep now?

A path of words
Thoughts, Choices
Millions and Millions of doors
Which to go through
Who knows?

Put me under the stars
And see me
For who I am
Myself
Alone

Take off this mask
Of smiles
And grins
This suit of armour
That guards
The soul

Sure,
Being trapped
Inside
One’s own mind
Can be
Quite lonesome
But
Has anyone ever wondered
What lurks inside?

I am a breathing contradiction
I am here but
I am insignificant.
I am alive but
Dead inside

Hiding in the dark
Yet
Living in the light

Alone.

Ovid Oct 2016

I'm broke and wondering where all my money went.
Questioning what was the last thing I bought and if it was money well spent.  
I had to work for what some of my friends already had for years.
Kind of a fucked reality but then again, who cares?

I'm watching all of my heroes become human.  
Free balling life while trying to take the next step, yeah, I'm cruising.
Working hard for what many had all along.  
If you think there's someone answering your prayers then you're all wrong.

Opportunity and equity are two very different things.
We all can grow but where we go can affect whether we're winning or losing.  
I'm so consumed by my desires sometimes it burns me.
Taking the next step is hard but we're all forever learning.

My life is just one big broken machine.
I need tools and parts to fix it and I'm still searching.
All that time I spent waiting and wishing for some to rescue me.  
The only person who can answer my prayers is me.

Little Bear Sep 2016

i feel i am an acquired taste
maybe i'm not everyone's
cup of tea
i am one who will
not always
have the right words to say
but will search high and low
even down the back of the couch
to find ones that will fit
to make you smile
just so i know
you are happy

i won't always have the answers
to life's whys
and wherefores
but if you give me reason
i will believe in you
and follow your lead
to the ends of the earth

my only pleasure
will be in
my giving you
pleasure
i seem to be
wired
that way
it's just how
my heart works
i'm soft
and i can't change it
no matter how hard
i try

i guess most others
want the one
they share their life with
to have spirit
to be feisty
to be strong

but i am very often
none of those things
but
in my own way
i am them all

so
i come as a package deal
complete with fairy lights
a quiet soul
and a sunny disposition
i don't know if that's annoying
probably is
but like i said
i'm not everyone's
cup of tea

but i like coffee
so maybe it doesn't matter
all that much

so for now
i will keep it
to myself
for when the moment comes
and someone asks
to take me out to tea

until then
i will wait
patiently
with hope
behind my eyes
eyes which will always
look upon you
in wonder

my goodness...!! i found this on my phone today, written it seems forever ago.. on a bus journey to work :o)
Ovid Sep 2016

I'm looking forward to fucking nothing
The words I need to say are buffering
Somewhere down this line there is some sort of reward
I'm aimlessly trying to move forward
Get away from me, don't you see that I don't speak unless there's meaning
As far as I'm concerned everyone outside  of family is temporary
As of late, I feel restrained, being held back from everything that matters to me
So consumed by what I think I need,
I don't have the fucking luxury of choosing to be happy
Every road block I crash into takes a peice of me in some way

I'll never forget that winter where I was scarred and permanently changed
Frozen in time taking everything in
So much self reflection took place that it made every mirror I stared into bend
All that I felt and thought, you could never relate
I promise that you would die if you had to bare my weight
And I don’t need help from you or anyone to get me through this

Ovid Jul 2016

Here I go again believing I'm not a broken man
My voice falls on deaf ears
I want to hear what I haven't heard in 4 years
I want to abandon hope, because hope is what's leaving me hurt the most
Maybe to feel nothing and lonely is the life meant for me

I was foolish to think that I could be anything but alone
Getting lifted up only to be put down
Believing I could get lured by someone else to happiness is a belief only justified by faith
And though I want to seclude myself and be invisible at my own will
The will of the world says I shall remain the way I am now;
Screaming and shouting to be seen and heard
But ultimately cast aside destined to be forgotten
Yet one has to be remembered in order to be forgotten.

Ovid Jul 2016

I've been left out and cast aside
My shadow is all that's by my side
I'm waiting for my turn
To embrace
what is
deserved  
to all

So much luggage I carry from the past
I can't ask for help cause' nothing lasts
Let downs are always expected
The world has spoken,
I'm rejected

Promising to let you down is the only way I won't let you down
I'm beneath
the
soil
in the
ground!  

God damn,
No one can come in
I'm not ready to go somewhere I've never been
That's why I won't pull anyone in
What I keep inside is deterring

I'll remain a stone unturned
Demanding what I'll never earn
Because I'm a peice work
A job that probably won't get done.

Ovid Jun 2016

In the prologue of relapse
I realized my last time was my last

Back when more things weren't right
I'd escape in the night
And put myself somewhere in the clouds
Emptiness embraced me
Nothing has changed lately
Dead leaves were covered in white and brought greener trees

Back? Oh God I'm not going back
Now... I know where I want to be but just don't know how
Alone. Just accept I'll die forever being on my own

I thought that I'd get through it all
That it wouldn't be so easy to fall
I'm laying here in bed, never felt so small
I know this night will kill me if you don't call

My phone is not on mute but it doesn't make a sound
Didn't think it would take so little to push me to the ground
I'm not even under water, yet it feels like I have drowned
I would reach the surface again  if only you were around

For such a long time I was blind
Thinking that you were a valuable find
You've left a haunting echo in my mind
and it's impossible to leave this shit behind

Ovid Apr 2016

You're drawn to trouble and it's killing you yet again
There you are drowning in the puddle you thought you could swim in
You can't make an ocean out of a lake by splashing water
And when it comes to bullshit I swear you're such a sucker
Just like how I'm a fool for happily ever after

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