people would
tend to excite
themselves
on the first exchange of
“I love you”s

but i’d rather
find myself hurting
in the future
waiting for that
heartbreaking text of
“it’s me, and not you.”

i didn’t know

i was a part

of your game

until you told me,

i lost.

you see,

once you
realize
that you
were never part
of someone's orbit,

you'll notice
the right planets,
the heavenly bodies
you once admired,
come and intensely
gravitate towards you:

an extraordinary
celestial body
— unlike the sun —
shines without exhaustion.

you’re the guest
that knocked on my door
and i willingly let you in.

you trashed the place,
we had fun —
most guests do anyways —
and after the party we
usually clean up.

but you,
you left my house trashed.
you left marks all over the place.

i was so used to people
helping me clean up
afterwards

that i forgot
there were people
like you:

who crashes a house
and leaves without
any remorse.

did it ever
cross your mind
that at the end of the day,
at the end of what we had,

i’ll be
the only one
cleaning this?

i’m only in love
with the memory of
you
that

h
a
u
n
t
s

me
every
single
day.

i’ve learned

to not always

get addicted to

one

certain

high

in life —

if

it’s meant

to stay forever,

great.

if

it’s meant

to last

only for awhile,

accept.

i could have let go
as early as i could
if only
i looked down
and saw
that you weren’t
holding my hand
and i was holding your arm.

in a sea of strangers

i look for your face

but all i see are fragments

— from the people passing by,

i remember you.

the king
gave you
this puzzle
called life

and you,  jester,
rose to the occasion.

instead of figuring everything out,
you played around
— which meant
all rules you bent,
all instructions swayed,
all directions detoured,
everything but the puzzle was solved.

but irregardless,
the king was delighted
in your efforts
to make the court laugh
and in the end,
he gave you the key

and you threw it away
with glee.

dear you,

im hurting so much. i don’t know what to do. you gave me an idea of what it could be to fall for someone again and when i finally figured that i should give back, you started drifting away. it started with you being busy and then you just slowly don’t text as much as you did before.

i’m sorry if i lashed out, for being honest. for telling you that im hurt. because you told me you could put up with it. you told me it’s okay. you told me that u like me. but i guess you’re  now starting to regret ever saying those words because i don’t even hear u say it anymore. you’re not assuring me that you’ll be here. that you’ll stay.

my friend told me that i should go all out. that i should start loving and making an effort to fall for u even if it hurts. im doing that now. i learned that i should just give out love because once i get tired, it’s gone. but i don’t think mine will just be gone.

im giving out 80% now that you’re giving 20%. it hurts so much. i never thought actually telling u that i like u ever helped. it’s as if, you’re done playing with me. was this all a joke? u got the *** since we were both *****. but is that it?

i know ur going through a lot of problems now and i dont want to be part of it. but the more i try to disassociate myself as part of your problems, slowly im becoming one.

u know what hurts? when u told me na ur disappointed in urself because you cant keep up with my efforts. the fact that u know it and cant follow through hurts so much. but i will stay. ive never given myself fully to a person so if u suddenly tell me na u dont like me anymore, then i wont have any regrets, let this be my way of testing my own limits. on how long i can stay till i finally realize this is worth it.

retrograde is ending in three days. im afraid that when it ends, our relationship will too. and u know what scares me? if we do end, in three days, ull go on with ur life the way it should be and mine will never be the same again.

as if from the very beginning i was only an option. a game u won but for u has no bearing.

but in the bright side, retrograde is ending in three days. im excited that when it ends, our relationship will start fresh again. and if we do start again in three days, we’ll go on with our lives the way it should be and both will never be the same again.

telling me from the very beginning i wasn’t an option. i am your choice. we stopped playing the game.

there’s nothing wrong with falling love.

there’s nothing wrong with asking them out at 2 am to go to a coffee shop miles away and not even buy coffee.

there’s nothing wrong with looking at a lake on top of a cliff at night looking down at the well lit houses beside it imagining they were constellations.

there’s nothing wrong with drinking a beer or two — calling help from alcohol —- just so you could be a little bit more obvious that you do, in fact, like them.

there’s nothing wrong with asking how big or small their hands are, comparing it to yours, aligning your hands with them, then swiftly intertwine them together.

there’s nothing wrong with love.

it’s everything but.

what you do with it is all up to you.

but love, in its singularity isn’t bad.

love makes you do weird things you wouldn’t expect in hopes of getting a taste of it.

but love, oh dear, how do you make it so hard and simple at the same time?

how do you make it hard for words to come out of my mouth but so simple to make me smile with your corniest jokes?

how do you make it so hard for me to look in your eyes but so simple for you to look into mine?

how do you make it so hard, no difficult for me to lean in, look into your eyes, and kiss you but so simple for me to just bite my lips and laugh at how miserable my attempt was?

how do i do with you, love?

i have so much

lust

to give

and

love

to receive.

here i am
at this moment,
willing to give
my heart again
so carelessly
without knowing
if the hands
that’ll hold it
would
crush
or
mend it.

i miss my jaded self. i miss the person who got hurt so much his only option was to bleed ink and cry poetry. i miss the dark rooms filled with only the noise of the streets below and lights from buildings across.

the alcohol stained floors, the cigarette butts on the floor, the messy bed, a sight i thought i’ll never long for but here i am.

lived in different rooms all over manila. different rooms but overall same angst. i miss them all.

as i look again in the mirror. a version of myself with content written all over my face and body. i let out a big sigh because soon enough, this face, this version of myself, will also be part of the things i’ll miss after a year or so.

i miss my jaded self.
and soon enough, i’ll miss this content self too.

i thought

you were

the last puzzle piece to complete me,

but we

were both

have missing groves asking to be filled.

no matter how bad
our ending was,

from the
bottom
of my heart,

i’m glad
you gave me

the courage

to move forward.

i’m like an old dog
sleeping in your couch
alone inside your apartment
only lit by the rays of light
glowing in the afternoon
that slowly fades
as the night falls down.

i wait for your return
— as always.

i casually hear the sound of footsteps
outside the door
and my tail wags,
my ears bolt up,
hoping it’s you
jostling around
holding your groceries
(with occasional dog food in it)
fumbling for your keys.

but as usual,
it’s not you:
it’s probably the postman
or the neighbor.

i plop my head back
on the pillow you gave me
back when you just had me
which i totally outgrew myself in.

i’ll wait again in the evening
— as usual.

one day

i'll soon forget

the imprints

you left on my skin;

your touch,

your kiss,

your embrace.