This is not the beginning
or the end
of a life-long journey
it is a meaningless act
a silent scream
like a rain
knocking on a window
before it breaks
or a rib cage so tight
it disallows breathing
how far can you fall
if you lay on a ground beaten
so take your dull wits to play
in hall of colorful emotions
you have no reason to stay
on a day of fine frenzy

On this lonely night
all I do is try
to catch words
so slippery
like air
they're all around
just breathe them in
and out

Girl,
to me you are a star of the night sky,
you are so far away,
yet, it does not stop me
from feeling the warmth of your company,
from seeing your incredible beauty,
I could write down thousand compliments
and they would still do you no justice
But there are times,
I wish you would fall
down from that sky,
so I would have you all just for me,
I would say to your wonderful eyes,
how special you are,
how much I want you to be happy.
But you are not my sun,
you are not the center
of my universe.
But I wish you to find,
someone to make you his star,
his one and only queen of the universe,
and together you will live
a wonderful fairy tale
happily ever after.

I count the clouds in the sky
moving ever so slowly
up, up and above they are
and now the sky is clear
and I can see the moon
and I can think about
how beautifully it shines
and how lucky I am to be here
It is a bright, warm summer night
and I feel alive

I count the raindrops
hitting my bedroom window
slowly sliding down
down into this dark night
and the sky is clear
and I can see the stars
and I can think about
how beautiful they are
and how barely alive am I
It is such a dark, cold sleepless night
and I feel nothing

I can feel your whip
when I pull you like a mule
I beg you to strike harder
because I can hardly feel

I am a dead horse
I'll show you my naked bones
admire their beauty
and watch my body rot

I stood in the water
tried to wash away my sins
tried to brush it off with steel
but my sentence is incomplete

You made me pull harder
and I fall deeper in the soil
mud beneath your fingers
is not like mud in my blood

You put out the fire
just to keep me in the dark
but I've been already blinded
and your whip strikes with brutal force

I try to speak up
but my lungs are full of stones
and lies you have seeded
make me pull once more

This is my last confession
I loved you and I don't
last whisper to the wind
may it carry ashes of joy

It is sadness
when the falling rain
is just broken shower head
and your filth and stain
goes down the drain
and it leaves you speechless

It seems that like a bubbles
the echoes of life roam around
why do I remain untouched?
Truth is painfully obvious
only beautiful flowers
are picked up to die

Diluted feelings of what once was
Detached from the reality of the usual
Drained from wishes of possibilities
Truth is painfully obvious
Every God forsaken day I die
a little more inside.

Because the voices keep screaming
because it's so loud
because there were no tears in your eyes
when you said your good bye
because the morning is cold
and so is the evening, the night,

because a thought of you gives me shivers
all the way to the spine
because I don't know if you ever loved me
or if it's all just a lie
because I find you disgusting
and adore you at the same time

because I don't want to talk to you
and I am scared you won't write back
because I want you to hold me
for the last time
because I want you to see me naked
and feel the lust in your eyes

because I want this to be over
because I don't want this to be over
because I know I still love you
because I know I can't stop
because it's killing me
because I want to die

Rain comes
the flood
from her eyes
and she tries
to resist desire

Torment
disguised
as a love
as a friend
as her lover

Rain drops
falling down
touch the ground
cold as ice
extinguished her fire

He touched her face
and she bites
and she screams
and she cries
but it doesn't matter

And she tries
to hit him hard
to make it stop
as the clothes
are ripped apart

She does not like
the taste of ***
his dead eyes
how he cringes her hand
doesn't matter

Doesn't matter
she screams
she cries
she's passed out
but he keeps making "love"

One day, maybe this is the day
I will become thin air for you
when you burn the house to ashes
and step all over it in shiny new Prestige shoes
your chest will rise as you inhale
the smell of victory
I hope you'll choke on it.

My dear,
my body loves thee with force so raw
that it results in thunderous roar
I hope you enjoy this fragrance of love
because my body will supply enough
to make you hold your breath
and hope it will stop
But when we spoon under blankets
and my cheeks will clap
there is no escape
from this violent applause
You know what Shakespeare wrote about love?
It fears no tempest,
so lets break some wind!

How I wish
for you to go
away now
into nothingness
back into darkness
where is the light?

Nothing!
I am blind and deaf and
I die!
What is left inside me,
if you take away the heart?

Sleepless,
mumbling your name
all night in my cries.
I wish I could say you good bye.

Bloodless,
as I see it drop on the floor,
take it all, I need it no more.

Meaningless,
you come and go as you want.

I like my knife sharp, you have won.

There is nothing in this world
pushing me forward
but so many things
dragging me down

I can feel my head
just spinning around
the life goes on too fast
so I am still in the past

What goes around
then goes away
and never comes back
leaving only scars

We send rockets to Mars
and bombers to Paris
we have love in our hearts
and fears to tear it

The lessons of life
cold, hated, unkind
until we become
another man

My heart, you are not allowed
to go out for a long time,
I yet have to recover
from things that you've done.

I remember the day
we met the first time.
You shined like sun,
with your beautiful smile.
I knew I was in for a ride
and we started to fly.

Caroline,
you fueled my life
like gasoline.
With sparkles in your eyes,
you lit me up.
Now I am burning down.
God, I am burning out.

I don't know when we started,
but I know we were
falling down.
We were so closed
and yet we split apart,
tearing our hearts!

For God's sake,
Caroline!
Now I am so weak,
that I weep,
when I say your name,
Caroline!

So, do you hate me now?
Because I know, I can't.

No need to ****
what is dead inside,
rats die in sewers,
when the flood comes,
and rivers go dry,
when the rain is undone,
and flowers bloom for butterflies,
only to be eaten by caterpillars,
sometimes you watch the time go by,
only to realize you went blind,
the world is a wild jungle,
you became cockroach to survive.

A true story of one Christmas Eve,
when I was fourteen.
I remember the gifts under the tree,
some for my brother,
some for my sister,
some for my mother,
but none of them were for me.

I was disappointed, I must admit.
Never liked Christmas Eve,
but since then I hated it.
I asked mom what will I get,
she said: “You'll get that,
what you will get,
go beg on streets!”

And so I did.
It was not my will,
I was kicked.
Remember the day:
24.12.2006
First night I spent
on the streets.

It was cold,
but not freezing,
at least I think.
I had just shirt, jeans, pants, socks,
but no shoes.
I was shivering.
I was lost and had nothing to lose.

I remember the skin,
turning purple and gray.
My mind was set on one thing,
I need a place to stay.
I found some boxes and a blanket,
I didn't mind the smell.
I made my bed near the garbage cans.

Lying there I watched the stars,
cried eyes out,
was asking God,
the only thing I still don't know,
why?
Why was I brought into this life?
Why I can't just simply die?

It was cold,
and it was bad,
but the worst is yet to came.
Forgive them, Lord,
they know not what they've done.
Forgive them, Lord,
because as sure as hell I can't.

Are you with me?
Can you hear the voices?
Do you hear them roaming,
crawling in the dark!

I hope you see me,
I hope you see them eating me,
you left me lonely, broken
now they keep me company!

Hey you, **** me!
Hey you, add into my scars!
Hey you, monster, stronger!
I can't feel a thing tonight.

I can feel them touch my skin.
I fire of thousand sun is burning.
They can't control their lust.
Soon they all see just what I think is fun.

You made me believe.
Believe that I'm something I'm not.
Now you break free,
and I am crawling in the dark.

Your nails in my skin,
making me bleed.
You bite me so hard,
now, that is what I like.

I hate you so bad,
makes me sick to look at you.
You are a monster! Monster!
***, please, tear me apart.

I am sorry, my dear, for everything.
I did not know I could still feel,
this good, this bad,
and all that jazz.
Maybe just human, after all,
twisted and tortured.

You are the prize, and the punishment,
“Guilty!” I plea, guilty as charged.
Like Icarus I fell in love with the sun,
like him I flew too high,
like his, my wings were cut,
and I fall, fall, fall...

I see the rocks as I hit the ground,
my bones and heart are ripped apart.
I cannot fix myself,
In pain I scream the only cure,
your name!
How pathetic, how dreary.

What time
does the darkness
wake up
at night?

To destroy light
with single touch
and take nightmare
as a spouse.

Just a few more drops of this acid rain
and then I promise to never be the same
words are evil disguise for crimes yet unspoken
you love me now, but you love me more when I am broken

I don't deserve much of an apology
because it hurts even more with every letter you spoke
I want to be free but I am too tired to let go
this night I will sleep in your merciless grip

You persuade me,you made me do all this
I thought I was a king, but I was only a slave to you
with clean cuts you destroyed my pride
with joy you watch as I destroyed my own dignity

But now I see everything clear
I stare into your face and you smile, I see the sparkle in your eyes
you smile because you know I know and still can do nothing
with joy you crushed me in your arms

There was once a fire inside me
It was burning so bright but you turned me into ashes
and you forced me to choke on my own smoke
and now you are all that is left of me.

Dear God,
I know we have not talked for a while
but there are still some questions
I need you to answer.
I never doubt your existence,
but I doubt you are kind at heart.
Why did you give me eyes?
Only to see people suffer?
Only to see fathers
abusing their daughters,
mothers hurting their sons?
You give me eyes
and I want to scratch them out.
I am too tired of crying all night.
Why did you give me ears?
Only to hear endless screams?
Only to listen to stories of destruction,
of void and eternal dark,
of suicide, mother of all self-abuse.
Listen how smile turns into tears,
and silent whispers
becomes screams so loud,
and I can't stand them!
HELP! HELP! HELP!
Why did you give me ears
if they are of no use?
Why did you give me hands?
Only so I can touch the scars?
To feel the cuts on the inside?
To cut myself
with words,
not razors,
when I am trying to write.
Why in all this chaos of life
I feel like I was born
with my hands tied?
Why can't I stop them
from hurting others
and themselves,
from smoking another cigarette,
or from drinking,
until they drink themselves to death,
from going to bed with strangers,
out of pure disrespect for themselves,
from accepting the twisted judgments of society,
and carving the verdicts into their bodies and heads.
From taking strange medical substances,
and non-medical as well,
just to be accepted
by people that never care.
Why did you even give me heart?
Only to be broken?
By what? Love?
Bigger lie cannot be spoken!
It's just selfish desire
of touching the skin
of other human being.
Having control,
reserving their body
all for yourself.
Or worse,
sharing pieces of soul,
never to return,
when the cracks from within
reach out and break you apart.
Dear God,
I accept I'm inferior and so very limited,
but in your holiness and immortality,
why is there beauty,
laced with suffering,
innocence,
treated with hate,
happiness,
mixed with pain,
smile,
embraced with grief.
I understand
there is no rainbow
without the rain,
but give me some hope to believe...

I was born alone
There was no mother to love me
and no father too
I was held in cold hands of the nurse
and then they cut the only connection
that I had to my family

At that very moment I was forsaken
denied the right to love in this earth
all I will ever know is hate
I shouldn't have existed
shouldn't have wasted air
to my family I was born dead.

Welcome to the desert of my soul!
Things once so beautiful
became so rusted as I got old
the journey was long
but I have not reached my goal
so should I keep on...

What is right and what's wrong?
Can you tell even with eyes closed?
What about night terrors,
do you have them too?
The kind that leaves you paralyzed...

Don't you miss the abuse?
The familiar pain of being nothing,
getting hurt makes you feel so good.
You have to hide the scars better,
what will they do if they find out?

There once was an angel on earth
but all the lies and betrayals
turned him into demon
hate is burning inferno
but his heart is so cold

Tiny wires in my head
connect me to the internet
every message and every status checked
so much boring information packed
high-school mate grow a beard
another teenage pregnancy
another model leaving scene
life is so ordinary it seems
meaning slowly disappears
and some words you can't take back
I feel like I should disconnect

A dove just flew by
it sat on a fence nearby
she is so beautiful
pure and white

I want to reach the sky
as easy as she does
high above tedious lives
of people chained to ground

So I caught her in my arms
tore her feathers
ripped wings apart
but she was still alive

So I took a stone
and crushed her skull
red my lips with her blood
and put her feathers on my coat

I might not be able to fly
but neither can she now
She is such a cruel beast
to turn beauty into cruelty

How was your dream
your sweetest fantasy
your new found reality
within limits of surreal

Have you found Alice
when she was just small
and the puffs of caterpillar
push you down the rabbit hole

How holy are you
when you reach for the clouds
your body is fluid
your soul is free

Are you even real?
You see, I said “Love is disease,”
and you said “It doesn't exist,”
still, you make me believe.

Is all this arbitrary?
Are we just words,
written in tears by a madman
in books in library?

Who are you, girl?
I asked the sky, it whispered back to me
it spoke about alluring beauty,
that cannot be unseen.

So close and yet so far,
one must ask the God, why?
Maybe it's just a trick of mind,
maybe, but I have to find out.

Let me think and let me dream,
for the sweetest dream there have never been.
Let it linger for a while,
before you say your last goodbye.

And the jet planes,
angelical guardians of intercontinental love,
spread their wings to carry you once more
across the ocean of deepest blues.

Reaching for the stars so high,
that you will touch the heaven,
and gently fall asleep,
tell me, are you dreaming
a dream of us?

I wonder if I ever be
more than just a memory
more than desire
yet unfulfilled

Will I ever be as star?
Giving light to that certain someone
will she give it back?
Or will I just remain meaningless?

Life is short
just drop in the ocean.
I am alone
devoid of devotion.

Will I die
leaving nothing behind?
Will my death
be a meaningless act?

And then a memory
once so bright
as the stars at night
will be forgotten.

I will not leave
a single scratch
on the Earth's crust.
Ashes to ashes
dust to dust.

Time to forget
myself
There's nothing left
but pain

Cover up
my face
I am the one
to blame

I don't want to see
anyone or myself
all the possibilities
always lead to death

Let me become the dust
like ship in the ocean rust
don't wanna be the lost
although I'm the broken.

She is all
I do not want her to be.

Where am I and Why I'm here?
I hear the voices calling me
miles away, beneath the sea
whisper, whisper in my ear.

Don't listen to those words too sweet
they only want you to be deceived
they have poison on their tongue
and with lies they filled their lungs.

Do not fallow the way they show
it leads to place of eternal void
in abyss they will let you fall
and out of there you cannot go.

I see you dancing in your words
and I see you smiling too
I hear the music of your life
that brought me to you
and into the night
carried by Pegasus
to reach the stars
those distant memories
until you fade out
a wonderful reverie

My heart bleeds
the darkest ink
your words are too kind
I will not survive

You lifted me up
too high in the sky
above the clouds
sun shines so bright

and shall I fall
I will fall forever
and I hope to die
because I don't want to live without you.

I am your fear deep inside
I know all you try to hide
I know your weakness,
your doubts!
I speak when you speak,
when you sleep I rise.

Your darkest fantasies,
won't be worse than reality
that's about to come.
You tried to hide from me,
thought some pills will make me run,
but honey, you and me are one!

I see you understand,
your mind's falling apart,
all your friends left,
with them sanity and pride,
but you know I will stay,
until the end of your miserable life.

You see, I was never wrong.
How long ago I advised you to die?
Still you insisted on learning more,
well, was there anything worth going on?
You were a failure at everything,
you just wasted air by breathing.

Your “friends,” or what were they called?
Just used you, hurt you and then let go.
How grotesque – you believed them!
How they laughed behind your back!
You tried to appease them,
you never had any spine.

Accept it, you were never loved.
Not by your mother, lovers of friends.
In the end, there was nobody who cared.
All that air, you wasted breathing.
Should you decide to die tonight,
there will be no one who will cry.

Try to make this one thing right,
don't be a burden to everyone,
they are tired of pretending,
don't you see? They want you to end it.
Do you want to suffer more,
or all of it to be gone?

There is nothing to be feared,
or if there is, I will be near,
Should your hand be rather shaky,
remember it's ending aching.
If you think, there is some hope,
just remember how it all went wrong.

Don't fight me, I'm not your foe,
I'm a friend, dearest of them all.
You know how to free your soul
from this prison of your own.
Death is nothing wrong,
just free yourself and go!

It's hard to accept this,
but it is the truth,
I can pretty much sum up my life
with a series of really bad comedy sketches.
Yes, my life is not never ending stream
from conception until this very moment,
no, it's much more like a night sky,
pitch black darkness,
with moments of bright light.

These moments of flashes
burn so wild and bright,
too painful to remember,
but forget them I can't.
It hurts,
God, it hurts so bad.
Mother, I cannot forgive,
I just can't.
Here it comes
again...

No matter where I am,
it will take me away,
back to the moments
that I can't stand.
I am in my lecture,
trying to understand the secrets
of works written so far away, so long ago,
I wish I was there,
not here.

I am sitting there,
and I am in the bathroom,
I look in a mirror,
and I look so bad,
with my wrists cut open,
and there is blood everywhere,
and I am crawling on the kitchen floor,
beaten,
and every muscle aches.

And I am sitting in the living room,
where my mother is trying to explain,
what the freaking looser I am,
that I **** her life like some vampire,
that her life was ruined because of my existence,
that she wishes I was dead,
and I am sitting there,
in my lecture,
trying to fight the tears back.

My life is just flashes of light and darkness pitch black.

Standing on the edge of the roof
staring into the abyss
wishing it eats me
just a leap of faith holds me here

And the weight of virtues
is heavier than vices
and brings me down
I lay on ground

Flight was short
forsaking what is sacred
but it's all worth it
for a peace of mind.

There is an island in the sky
flying high above
it is so beautiful
and yet untouched

Scorching the sky
and hiding the sun
it cares for nothing
it cares for no one

It's just a piece of rock
cold, heartless with no blood
did not love and did not care
was it ever even there?

Silence.
Silence in my heart.
Because you were there
and now it's empty.
Hold me,
please, hold me...

It's endless,
It was gone,
now it's back,
scratching chambers of my heart,
digging holes in my soul.
It's a game over.

No more lives left.
I want to live
no more.
All the choices I made,
it's all ending today.
Game over.

I need to **** myself inside.
Just drinking this bottle to be sterilized.
Feels great not to feel.
To be completely numb.

I am all ****** up inside.
God, I need someone to ****.
Just a complete stranger.
No strings attached.

Am I drunk enough?
Good, lets get this started right now!
Don't really care if blonde or brown.
I think I see her smoking at the bar.

"Hello, princess!
What a pretty dress!"
(and awesome *******,
8 out of 10, I guess)

"Did someone ever told you
how beautiful your eyes are?
Bright and yet so dark,
like streetlights at night."

Her tongue touched her lips,
another shot of absinth,
lets get some ***** mixed in,
wrecked, like I've never been.

"Boy, you know how to play the game,
lets have a smoke outside" and we went,
half insane with lust, bit afraid.
Drowning in stupidity of youth.

We smoked ***, cigars,
talked about gods, religion,
wars, crimes, lies,
electric chair, death...

Trials, nights, dreams,
our bodies touched,
nightmares, blues, insanity,
we ******.

Right there,
behind someone's car,
under the stars,
screaming in ecstasy.

Like in some surrealistic film,
went into a public toilet,
the smell of **** and ****,
the smell of her filterless cigarettes...

We went to my place,
wanting to **** again,
and again, and again,
endlessly, until we die or faint.

Her naked, trembling, sweating body,
graced by night, graced by all saints.
I scratched her back, bite her neck,
inside, she's all wet.

We danced like mad,
hearts beating fast,
dissolving into each other,
taking the final breath.

The last hug of love,
that never existed,
last kiss in the dark,
and I will leave you there.

I woke up, vomiting.
Feeling so cold, dead.
Took a shower to wash it all away.
All, the memories, kisses and sins.

Counting the scratches,
remembering wild flashes
of yesterday's coma,
tears, tearing heart.

Last night,
fire was burning bright,
but like the cigarette's ash
we fall apart.

There will be no calls,
no pretentious drama of love,
no fading away back into the night,
No nothing, get lost!

I woke up
with a little more life
with a little more light
to open up my eyes

and I see you there
and I understand
why I just don't care
about world's problems

'cause all I want is you
and all I need is you
my island of happiness
in the sea of loneliness

You kissed my cheeks
and you kissed my lips
and I must admit
my heart skipped a beat

and I closed my eyes
and see you inside
my own universe
my own paradise

You know I am alright,
I stroll through the wreckage of my heart,
I wish to find survivors of your terrorist attack,
but they all just walked away from me, babe.

You see, they know I am crazy,
they know I am ready for another spin
of this wheelchair madness called life,
another cycle gone, I survived.

You hear me talking and I know I am lost,
I found you and the world is gone, I am blind,
I found you and I know I am asking for pain,
and I am glad I can have you again.

Oh, my dearest madness, my anxiety, my horrors, my deepest regrets, how much I have missed you all, my friends. It has been a long, long time, but be ready, I am coming to stay.

Do you really love me?
or just love to hurt me,
to take control
and use my body
but where is soul?
You never care
maybe you just can't,
you are a soulless
horror of the night,
my nightmare,
that came alive
and I let you take me,
head over heels,
you leave me so empty,
you just use me,
then you leave
and I am nothing,
I feel so worthless
God, I can't take this,
I'm dying every night,
I want your heart
and you just my body...

She's dying alone
in a hospital bed
she has five children
but she's all by herself

Her husband is dead
she's on minimal wage
her kids pay a caretaker
so they don't have to care

Screams of other patients
and persilen smell
nurse pushing meat wagon
that is her bed

Disembodied
screaming in pain
she once was a human
but now she is dead

I remember
not sure I will ever forget
all these years of...
trying to find words
but none can do you justice
looking up on that shower head
and the water pours down on me
I have my hands tied by a power cord
and you burnt my arm with your match
there is blood on my forehead
that made me spit in your face
you smash my head on the bath tub
this time I think you cracked it open
and the water is just as cold
as you are, my friend
or what is your name
and the water is almost boiled
and it starts all over again

I'm just a heap of flesh,
caged in a madhouse,
executed, electrified,
spitting in the face of God
in white suit,
dancing with Satan.

Seduced and sedated,
chained to my bed.
Hallucinating heaven,
hiding from hell,
and the seraphs strike again
with a fiery blade.

Down on my knees I fell,
breaking my own back
to become “human,”
soulless, faceless, thoughtless.
Without brain, insane,
I transcend.

Imprinting soul in these walls,
painted with blood.
With nails writing on doors
stories of past.
Where are they taking me?
No! Just stop!

Fourteen attempts of death
was not enough
to get me out.
They chained my mind
to this prison of dark
'till death do us part.

My heart counts its final beats.
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Then comes silence.
Heart stops.

My soul escaped
this prison of meat
good bye world,
that never cared.

Angels cried
tears of blood,
I thought I died,
but I wake up.

Just Another Dream Ends.
It was a dream,
I get to live,
only to dream of death.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

It's okay
if things don't go my way
some days
they always have their own way

But why is the way to hell
a highway, a highway...
and the only way to heaven
is the stairs?

I really thought
though the way was tough
that there's a place
we could go

In the end
put out fire
let's move on
to nowhere.

Key to your soul
hidden from all
heart is the lock
open the door

You were made perfect
(with all imperfections)
beauty is light
covered with skin

Shine, beauty, shine!
Don't hide,
destroy the walls inside
give out the key to your heart.

It seems that the eternal night
has covered my mind
I'll be consumed
in the morning there'll be nothing left.

All these words
left me speechless
betrayed again
I'm mad

I believed at least
they will last
that I will create something
that changes the world

I dream

I looked out the window
and there is nothing left
all the snow is gone
it just melted in the pouring rain

The birds are singing
but the sky is gray
it reminds me of you
where were you yesterday?

Now there is silence in our home
We are one toothbrush short
and your belongings in the hall
make me feel cold with heater on

In midst of this chaos
a miracle occurs
my drowsy eyes make me see
last snowflake of this year