Yes,
I am happy.
For the first time
in a long, long while.
I read her words,
they make me smile,
every **** time,
I can't resist her,
even if I tried.
And I remember
how down I was
the last time,
the time before,
and the time before that.
But I found
how happiness is easy.
Just doing things
I want to do,
the way I want
to do them.
When I wake up,
I know this time,
I have found my sun,
and she shines just for me.

Another light went dark
so I am even more alone at night
they ended their suffering
will I end mine?

The body is a sickness
life is a disease
how long I have to suffer?
When will I be released?

Heart heavy like a stone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
like I’m somewhere I belong

The night is long
I feel so cold
my body shivers
out of control

I feel so bad
the voice in my head
makes me scream
so loud

Make it stop!
Don't throw me out!
I don't want to sleep on street!
It's too cold outside, mom, please!

I just realized
that even memories
can torn my heart
give sleepless night

Why...
it opened scars
I thought they were
long forgotten

I am sitting on the chair
and suddenly I fall,
my head is banging on the door,
my body's shaking on the floor.

I know what's going on,
it will never be better,
it will only get worse,
I've lost control.

I'm fed up with life,
but I'm too scared to die.
How many times I tried?
How many times I missed?

How could I thought you are
the person of my dreams?
I put you on pedestal,
how stupid was that of me?

I just wanted you to know,
that you are the right for me,
but you never showed
any affection to me.

You used me, abused me,
made me play your game.
You knew if you lose me,
I'll never be the same.

You drained me all this time,
until there was nothing left inside,
then filled me with your lies,
until I'm crying when I smile.

He watches her and grins
But she has an eye on her ring
they got a few drinks
not enough to change her mind
things are calm
until she sips
from her own cup of denial
she bites her lip
waiting for the orchestra to start
and her body was like a canvas
where he composed his best masterpiece
her fingers trembling with desire
but her mouth unable to speak
when he touched her skin
he sparked a fire
that brought her to the peak
as it brought him to his knees
to fulfill her lustful needs
and you can hear the storm raging
until it drowns in the ocean
earthquake of joy
to bury devotion

The painful truth that serves you well
all the rules that breaks your will
and make you the servant
of long dead men

Someone smiles and wished you well
but in the end they all pretend
compassion is inhumane crime
Masters tell what's worth your time

They sent letters green and white
the more you have the more they got
the less you have the lesser man
these worthless creatures they can't stand

Worship your masters and things they gave
pursuit those letters night and day
they are the things that make life fair
they are the things that make you man

Words lost all their meaning today it seems
they became a shadows of the yesterday's dreams
it seems that all whats left is abundantly clear
never greet another day and confess all my sins

I know you have your hand in this you beast
today you add another scratch into your wrist
I hear your smile while my conscious disappears
You know I never wanted, never wanted this.

Twisting...
Turning...
Pushing...
Pulling...
It tears me apart,
I can't hold on.

Why does it have to be like this?
I thought I found heaven,
but it tastes like hell.
I still believe,
I do
in you...

You,
always on the edge?
Can't you see me down bellow?
I am the roaring sea,
breaking against your cliff,
can't you see or hear?

Always on the edge,
too scared to leap,
too scared to leave,
but what should I do?
I want to go, but I know I can't,
so I will stay, until you throw me away.

See? I am stupid,
like dog with no dignity,
So hurt me, beat me down,
have no mercy!
Even then, like the dog I am,
I will return hiding my tail.

**** me, if you can,
it would be the kindest deed,
no more sorrow, for *** like me.
Nothing good in the future for me,
just past playing on repeat.
So, **** me, please.

This is no way for the story to end,
you were supposed to complete me,
but there are so many pieces missing, my friend,
I know that is not really your fault,
but where should I begin?

Your stories are so funny,
and you look cute as hell,
but the real inferno is raging on inside you,
and that is a thing that I can never change.

You went silent, you fell apart,
you  looked the other away,
now even if I see you,
I wonder if you are there.

...You are a wonderful man...
But you don't know my scars,
all the things I've been through.

...And yet you survived...
I see now, you don't understand
the reason to commit suicide.

...How can someone do such horrible thing?...
Well, you don't do it because you want to die,
you do it because you can't stand being alive.

I tried so hard
to make you feel love
but all that you do
is that you pump blood

I remember the feeling
so long ago
I thought it was lost and forgotten
as I have no records of it
I made sure to destroy anything
that could have reminded of it
but it is more sinister
than I would ever imagine
like a black hole
all consuming
like a black hole
that shadows all light
like a black hole
that drains you of life
and I thought I had escaped
only to be drawn to it
with ever increasing force
that felt like tearing me apart
when I tried to put up a fight
and I have lost
and I have lost so much
and I feel it became the center of my universe
and I feel it slowly eating it away
and I fear it is the only thing holding it together
I have lost
There is no escape.

Gentle kiss of sun
woke me up tonight
your arms hold me so tight
I could not move at all

That's alright, my darling,
I already gave my heart to you
That's alright, my darling,
Sleeping in your arms feels so beautiful

I closed my eyes
and I smell your fragrance
I know this is love
My life now makes sense

The night is over
here comes the new dawn
each day we're closer
we'll never be alone

Flashes of life,
right in front of me,
holding your hand,
creating a memory.

Only this once,
you will dance for me,
Only this once,
the stars will fall.

Crying,
in my memory,
I see you falling apart,
senseless, are you alive?

Black pitch darkness,
screams and silence,
violence and light,
your body erupts.

There is blood on your lips,
and it's so cold in your arms,
the whispers of death
are with us tonight.

Long night winter cold,
it only gets worse as I get old.
Woken up by my own scream,
why do I die in my own dreams?

Why do pills taste so sour?
Why can't I sleep more than hour?
Why it feels this will devour
my last piece of sanity?

Why my mind gets dark at night?
Why my body feels so tight?
Who cut these scars into my thighs?
Am I awake or is it dream?

But what is real?
Just another lie
we tell and believe
it will be alright.

Nightmares kiss you goodnight.

Think it's time to play
this little game.
Turn the tables,
make them pay.
Let's see what the universe
will say.

Time to find myself,
my prize, my prey,
my own puppet to play,
to twist and hurt.
Because, what they've done,
I can do too.

I find myself a beauty,
little angel with snowy wings,
so innocent and pure.
Oh, when I'm done with you,
how I will twist you,
how I will torture you!

Sitting by the window,
whispering sweet little lies,
she smiles.
A look in her eyes,
I see the sparkling,
I know she is mine.

I cannot do this!
I cannot break
such beautiful thing!
“I am sorry.”
I leave and locked me in.
You win.

That's the story I'd like to tell,
but truth and that
went different ways.
Truth is we had few drinks,
we talked, we laughed,
and I took her in.

Seeing her naked beauty,
I tremble,
then start the torture.
Her body desecrated,
tainted with my evil.
But body isn't goal I'm after.

What a sick pleasure,
tearing her wings apart.
Then reaching for heart,
I cut.
I felt how her soul darkened,
what was innocent is now not.

I quickly left,
she was still sleeping.
There shall be no cure
for her weeping.
Soon she'll learn
she was mistreated

But I will give her no answers.
She won't see my face again.
How she is?
I will not care,
I will leave her in despair.

The cracks in the mirror show how broken I really am,
under the cover of skin lives a skeleton,
unable to bear emotions of man.

It am not me, I just see who I became,
I just silently watch, how I'm falling from grace,
I have become him and I know him too well.

He knows no love, knows not how to care,
knows no kindness, just stare in his eyes,
you'll see the emptiness.

I kicked and I screamed and I still became him,
I wish to be free, but I know I have sinned,
now for rest of my days, I will be him.

Three days a week, I drink myself to sleep,
Three days a week, I cry myself to sleep,
Today I know there will be no sleep.

I see you
and I know who you are,
you are the one
I was trying to hide.

Go away!
You can't stay!
You will poison my mind!
Not again!

Vision once clear
become so clouded.
I know it's your fault,
You have poisoned my heart.

Go away!
You can't stay!
You will poison my life!
Not again!

I shut my heart
and opened my eyes,
I will break free
from the fog of your lies!

Go away!
You can't stay!
You will **** me inside!
Not again!

No more words,
no more tries
to be nice,
it's all over
this is goodbye.

I'm not a fan
of your secrets
and your devotion
why we pretend
if it's not real
there's no emotion

Let's make a plan
another story
of morning glory
I want to live
just let me go
before it's over

Darling, I recommend
your heart's on fire
go out and use it
before you're older
all those fears
will make it colder

Right there and then
I see you smiling
years you've been waiting
that time is over
your arms around his
neck and shoulders

Honey, I know
where this story goes
just one kiss
and you lose control
and it's perfect
and your body knows
and your soul knows
and your heart knows
and your skin knows
and your fingers know
and your eyes know
and your ears know
and your lips know
and you know
and you know
don't let go...

Sometimes
the words speak to themselves,
the language, that I can't understand,
whispers, that I can barely hear,
until silence consumes it,
and I will disappear.

I am so alone
I feel like in a crowd
of unfamiliar faces
their long stares - so dark
and empty too
empty people
in empty rooms
in empty apartments
and I try to reach out
but there is nothing too
so I fall
and I crawl
and carry on
nothing can be shown

It feels like a thousand knifes
cutting through my veins
watching the blood stain
crimson crystals of life
all problems fade away
I feel alive!

Deeper and deeper
reaching for soul
deeper and deeper
cutting my throat
no fear of the reaper
my jugular vein.

Razor blades, sleeping pills
bit of methamphetamine
benzos and ketamine
raises the adrenaline
my heart now beats so fast
lets see how long it's gonna last.

It's getting dark
and harder to breath
the air from my lungs
is escaping me
just breathe out
I can't breathe in
one thousand needles
piercing me
the vision is blurry
the sound is all deaf
I feel like this moment
will be my death

You want to believe your twisted story?
All your sweet talks of love
all those words you got
you prepared a trap
and you played me like a fool!
I was dancing as you pulled
but those strings are broken
and they shall never grow back
for you to pull them again!

I know the comfort of words
my dear angel
it feels so nice and comfy
to be wrapped in the silk of your lies!
Others might think you're a God
but I can see right through
there's a Devil in you!
You are good at disguise
but you are evil inside!

Behind those trickster eyes of yours
behind the fake smile is Hell's open door
Somehow right from the start
you knew I go bellow my price
and you ****** the life out of me
So, go,go,go!
I want you to be gone
I don't want to see you again
go back to Hell!
Farewell, "my friend"

I had become
empty space
between lines of your life.
Something you don't mind
skipping.

I don't know what to write,
but you know what?
We can both pretend
I don't exist.
I'm done.

Such a beauty cannot go
untainted for long
even the prettiest rose
will grow herself some thorns

Luring your naive pray
in your arms, your twisted game
make them stay, and then you slay
the thorns of you will be their end

Do you really want
your body to be covered in scars
for the rest of your life?

On which side of the barricade
did you put yourself?
You hide behind lies
and pretend to be betrayed

In reality, you paint your world
the colors you want
and give it the furniture
and some decorations

And I choose love
love, mercy and caring
because that is the world
that I want to see.

1st Bell

Tears
shining bright
in your soaking wet coat
There was a time
when you believed
now you have grown cold.

2nd Bell

Small footsteps, small footsteps
she walks in snow
small footsteps, small footsteps
she's not even year old
small footsteps, small footsteps
she doesn't yet know.

3rd Bell

Heart beats
heart stops
simple thing
body dies
last smile
good bye
good bye

Good bye.

Run,
run as fast as you can,
you need to go another mile
another mile until the end
and then it all starts again
give more, push harder, you see
don't you ever stumble, fool
the wolves are right behind you
happy to eat you alive
they feed on your every fall
they grow with every blunder
whatever you do, just move on
never look back
they are right behind you.

Today I found
the scar
on my hip.
I mean you can't see it,
but you can feel it,
if you touch.
I just thought:
"I will never get away,
it will always be there"

What place do I have in this world
filled with lies and cruelty.
I don't want to be evil,
I feel that I am empty.

How can I love,
when my love died so long ago?
And all that was good in me,
died with it.

How will you make me believe
there is yet some hope?
How can I even bleed,
when all my blood is gone!

Every time I try to reach
out of my own shadow,
I get burn by the light,
like a vampire
******* on someone else's life
and I am done!

No!
There is no cure,
or hope!
I am already dead,
just alive.
I am a broken mirror,
with the shattered glass.

Out on the sea
ship passing
through storm
echoes of thunder
lightning illuminates
fears so vivid

Don't wanna be the one
to break you
Because love is a boat
and I'll wreck it ashore
and if we are to walk together
I will only make you slip
and fall

Worst than sickness
that kills you
is sickness
that you get to survive

Not feeling well today.
Like if bomb exploded
in my head.
Heart bursted out of chest,
I'm swimming in a sea of sweat,
so hard to inhale.

Cannot explain,
I just feel so bad.
Inside I'm freezing,
on the outside – hell.
911, I'm begging:
“Doctor, doctor, can you help?”

He examined me,
and looked so pale.
“There is no hope,
I am afraid...”
Lights went out,
the world gone gray.

Then with many words
to me explained,
why I'm such a hopeless case.
Such terrible is my fate,
that my illness name
he cannot say.

But I know the cause and the cure.
It's only one, it is you.
I know you don't feel that way,
But listen to what experts say
“Can be lethal,
can be great.”

You have your methods,
and diagnosis.
Avoiding me, like the plague,
with disgust watching my necrosis,
how with every word it spreads.
But silence?

Oh, your disease of choice!
What a sweet, sweet poison!
It's so clean!
Killing from within,
with everything
you will not say.

What a cancer!
Feeding itself
on deepest fears
and regrets.
But it's not mine, it's yours.
I have a different sort.

Maybe it's leprosy.
Oh, don't you say! I can feel it!
Flesh falling away,
the numbening, no pain.
I must look so grotesque,
like an elephant on parade.

No, I won't get away that easy.
I know what it is
and I have fallen completely:
“Amor Vincit Omnia"
I've been conquered
by love.

No, I'm not OK,
but I guess I'll live,
though know not for sure.
How about you?
What will you do
to me?

More words will not help me
in curing my insanity,
they had become so empty.
I'm in a maze with no exit.

You were the hand holding my pen,
It's over, don't bother with pity.
My life is held by a few paper clips
and you still think that's what I wanted.

Go away!
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.

You want to know more
about my dreams?
I had nights filled
with horrible nightmares,
flames burning my skin,
knives cutting through heart,
pit of eternal agony.
Death, screams, pain.

They are all gone.
What was the last dream I had?
I dream of you.
I dream of you
and nothing else.
It was about color of your hair,
the way your face turned red,
when you smile...

And I was there,
sitting by,
feeling the warmth
of your body,
feeling the texture
of your skin,
feeling the gentle pressure
your hand against my hand.

And I was there,
holding you,
so you will never leave again.
We can stay frozen like that,
until our dying day,
just you and me,
and the fragrance of your body.
Everlasting happiness.

But it was just a dream,
just a vision of things,
that will never be.
Just God mocking me.
This sweetness is poison,
I can't let go of it.
I need you so bad,
why did I wake up?

I am so sorry
for all that needless worry
just the hourglass of life
is now turned upside down

But is it the top
or is it the bottom
and what difference
it makes to me?


How sinful to live
how sinful to speak
how sinful to breathe
how sinful to even exist

As I sit by this candle with a glass of wine
I look through the window and into the dark
few flickering street lights, stars high above
I am out there with them I am loosing my calm
so tired and sleepless
thoughts run wild through my mind
and their screams so violent and loud
like if I torture them by not letting them out
I feel them scratching on the inside of my skull
and I know if they could they would rip it apart
and I would let them!
but all I can do is sigh
mumble uncontrollably words I barely recognize
there is a horrible gap between my whispers and their cries
the voice is not enough
give me a pen, a piano, a brush
let me silence the storms inside my mind
let me write it all down, with my soul and my blood.

Silent snake,
hissing his venomous lies,
like flames they burn me inside,
and reduce me to ashes.

Sometimes
between a word and a heart-attack
the voice plays a tune in my head
it is low and mesmerizing
it captivates me till the end
and releases my soul
like a bird of prey

I want to know
does the soul
grow old
and tired
with the body

Because it once was pure
but now it seems
so dark and clouded inside
sad or mad, all is bad
fallen, and I can't stand

Ridiculous obligations
to unknown friends
that **** me dry
like flies do wine
until the glass is empty

I dream of love
I fear it more
I am just terrified
of hearing
"no"

I have never seen anyone
quite like you before.
Someone so beautiful,
intelligent and kind.

Yet you were there,
changing my life.
You had become
my brightest star.

You are the thing,
that makes me wake up,
that makes me go on,
even put on a smile.

But what was the truth?
What was the lie?
You said how you miss me,
then kissed me good bye.

Truth hides in a bottle of wine,
at the very bottom of the last glass,
You never existed
and neither do I.

So let me be forgotten,
dig me a grave for insecurity,
let me be nothing,
betray me in need.

I am spinning aimlessly
in this endless universe
it makes me so sick
I am cold

Heart that knows sorrows
beaten and crushed
soul skin thick
I am alone

World of only bleak colors
worn out words
so unkind
I die.

Darkness has come
as I feared
and it hides
all the stars from me

I am looking out
the window
and I try
to reach you

No response
you are gone
and I know
life goes on

To my star out there
in the darkness of night
I am still here
call me if you want

Sometimes,
I wish to make a statue
out of me.
And I mean it literary.
Take a knife
and make curves
how I want them to be right.
And cut out
all parts I don't want.
With precision
cut the skin, the flesh,
the need for perfection
desire to bleed.
I will be an artist,
body the masterpiece.

I was the one
with the world at my feet
one wrong step
it slipped away from me

I was falling
all the way down
deep into mud
and there I got stuck

I call friends to help me
but nobody cared
their hearts were so empty
they were glad I was there

The world needs some
people down there
someone to laugh at
someone to hate

It takes a long road
to get out of there
and there are shortcuts
to get you right back

Dear survivor
reading this note
I know you have problems
help is on the way.

What is a star
without the light?
What is the day
without the night?
What is a life
without the love?
Answer presented
at the bottom of wine,
shame I drink Cuba Libre
without citrus, coke or ice.