life shouldn't be like this
we all live inside of ourselves
unable to see past the blinds
in our minds that are shut eyes

well

a friend opened my eyes
made me take a good look at myself
all this time I've been thinking
I had to get the last word in
out of principle
I had to get my point across
because it was righteous

little did I know it was pride
the sickness of mankind
the sickness that leaves us blind
to this toxic state of mind
that fuels our ego
and little did he know
I had been suffering until I let go

You're fine, son
I'm worried
You should be
relax
I'm scared dad
It's okay
I don't want to lose her
You might not
But
You need to stop doubting
I can't face this
If she has the heart you think you've found
You need to be what you speak of and keep it

I know she loves me
but she has a hard road ahead of her
You know what, perhaps she doesn't?
Perhaps your worries are your own
Yes they are dad, mine alone but
Then don't lose her by hiding away!
deep breaths

But dad, what about mum?

Am lonely
only rarely alone
but surely lonely
down to my last friends
lately making them is hard
harder to keep them still
everlasting sighs at
exasperation from idiocy
mine own idiocy

Am very lonely
in mine own lonely way
my beautiful girl
is my closest friend
but even she can not
fill this hole inside of me
when dreaming
I grip her shoulders tight
and cry into her *****
she is so dearly loved

Am so very, very lonely
missing a friend
who lives overseas
he means so much to me
across the pond
his light can't be seen
he is the lighthouse
for this way off-course ship
and he shines bright
but the fog is too thick
mate, it's real thick tonight

Am the loneliest I've been
my dad sits in the next room
he is so dearly loved
makes me feel loved
like there are no parallels
unique and cherished
yet this feeling is indifference
no concern for myself
the words to make him comfort me
don't pass my lips
my trembling quivering lips

Am desiring compassion
resentful of pity
am wanting of sympathy
guilty of concern
am capable of empathy
sensitive to misfortune
am lonely
so very lonely

You know that saying?
"the only person you can truly rely on
and trust is yourself"
what about when you can't trust yourself?
when your mind deceives you
when you do the unpredictable
when you shock yourself and think
am I really that person?

Does that make you
more alone than being alone?
if loneliness is a feeling of being alone
but you don't have to be alone
to feel lonely
and you can be by yourself
but not feel loneliness at all
then humour me this

If I am by myself and I feel lonely
but I don't know myself tonight
and I don't trust my own presence
I don't feel comfortable at all
in my own company
so I don't have myself to rely on
because I myself, am not myself
am I more than alone?

Am I actually nothing now?
am I here at all?
do the thoughts I'm thinking
belong to somebody else?
do I now have to search the mind
of this man that I do not know
to find clues and remnants
of the person that once filled this body?
am I lost forever?

Waking up without you hurts like a hole in the head
and I don't know where you are
or what you've been up to, last night
I only remember letting you down, again
I did something bad, I know what I did
but you wouldn't believe that, I did it for you
and why should you?
I'm Finley, the **** of this earth
apparently

I'm a ******* mess, as you would say
I need help, night and ******* day
can't be without you babe
wouldn't have you any other way
but no one would believe me
when I said I did what I did, for you
I don't wake up without you, for me
for nothing

You tell me,
"if my mother knew about me, about you
she wouldn't want me to be with you, Finley"
and I cry and my heart aches
because it's true
I'm a monster, I hurt all the time
your loving mother would probably think
I've done everything, under the sun
but I'm not that bad
you know me

The police won't even take me in
they bring me home
where the monster in me, starts again
I'd peel the skin off of my body if I could
just to shed this feeling, to be free
to be free of the things that surface
the things I don't want people to see
yet so desperately need to understand
and I've said it before, life is truly
a lustrous haze

I know you don't understand
even though the skin I wear
could speak volumes
whilst the cries of my heart are inaudible
shrieking intense screams
confined and encased
in this feeble cage I call my body
and all the music in the world
can not soothe me
seems like nothing in this world
can put me at ease
except you

You are the arms that carry me away
the hands that wipe away
the tears on my face
and they burn like acid
like tear duct bleach
not strong enough to cleanse me of shame
but as you unknowingly wipe them away
I feel whole again, in some strange way
you make my life
you make me something else
when I can't even better myself

I flip a coin
Heads and I walk out
Tails and I stay

The coin lands on it's edge
Just my luck
Another decision

I hate decisions
Though I'll admit
Not as much as I hate change

I hate my skinny frame
my bony hips and spaghetti appendages
I envy the built lads with guns for arms
those guys that can wow a girl without any charm
I heard that girls like being carried to bed
they'd more likely be able to carry me instead
and maybe that's the reason I never get any head
but jokes aside, this is a problem
men, women, boys and girls
we're all fixated on an image the media has us fed
some of us feel worthless because of our bodies
forgetting our positive oddities
forgetting the perks we have like a beautiful smile
or eyes that given the attention
hold something you haven't seen in a while
a lot of us haven't felt love from ourselves in years
it could bring me to tears
all because when we look ourselves in the mirror
we see imperfection
but let me ask you this; what is perfection?

Is it a man so jacked up on steroids he can't get an *******?
is it a girl so skinny they call her the queen of size zero?
when zero is the number of healthy teeth left in her mouth
from forcing herself to be sick after every meal?
so what is the deal
with this perfection ****?
I've had enough of it, having to listen to the girl I love
saying "oh I'm so fat" well **** me, I've had enough of that
call me unsympathetic call me a ****
I'm done hating myself, I'm learning to bounce back
you are who you are, a poet once told me to be proud of that
and that I am finally, once and for all
I might be skinny and look weak but I'll stand tall
I'm a clever guy, or so I'm told
I've got charm so I'll learn to use it
keep writing the poetry, to me it's sweet music
keep on telling myself
"I can do this, I can do this, I can do this"



**and so can you

My mind is wasted
well, out of sync
I can't keep up with the thoughts
that would be brought over seas
of consciousness, like weeds of mind
rooted in so deep , they bury themselves
in to the back of my eyes
and I'm always concerned about
running out of time
one thing after another
like some premature adolescent
I scream "why, **** why?"
I'm confident but I'm tired all the time
if you feel the same then don't be shy
I can't give you the answers
I can't sell you the time
but I can suggest a solution;
don't give up, don't die

I've got these hands
bony, scarred, dried and cracked
and they can do great things
or so I'm told
but have you ever tried to
pick yourself up?
I mean really pick yourself up?
when you fall flat on your face
when you're **** out of luck
that requires a strength
I sadly do not possess
couldn't drag myself out of the mud
if I waited for it to freeze over
before I fell in

I've got these eyes
light brown, they're more of an amber
especially in bright light
gifted with sight and minor impairment
or so I'm told
I myself don't care to look at them
I can get lost in them though
for all the wrong reasons
but have you ever tried to
actually see yourself?
I mean really see yourself,
not the image manifested
instead, what you truly are?
I think I have but then again
I have a needed aptitude for deceit

I've got this heart
this heart that that beats
fast when I'm excited,
fast when I'm scared,
faster still when in love
and it's a big lump of muscle
or so I'm told
I guess it must be
I won't argue with that
it's heavy inside, that's a fact
but have you ever tried to
wear it on your sleeve?
the phrase is an idiom
I'll explain what it means;
to be overly sensitive or easily hurt
and have no control over emotions
or show them too readily for people to see
despite my deceit, my heart it still bleeds
that's the only reason to be careful
when you shake my hand

I've got this secret
this secret that eats its way through me
secrets are bad and we shouldn't keep them
yet everyone has secrets and we need them
or so I'm told
and I don't even know what mine is yet
though I suspect that it's that I'm sad
sad when I shouldn't be
lonely when I needn't be
but have you ever tried
to tell a secret and get it off your chest?
feel it come up from inside, make its way through you
and as it's about to come out just suddenly stop
as a gassy lump in your throat so you choke
as you swallow it down?
I have and I can tell you
it's not the taste that gets you
it's the texture

Life has got me feeling down
a shade of sadness paints the halls
my worries got me feeling ****
I'm too young to feel this way
I gave up drugs but I want a hit
my soul turns old and silver grey
money problems at twenty years
my mother's sickness
has my family in tears
I hate this life I'll admit it
didn't want to offend
the people closest to me in my life
by saying it's so

Now I don't care to be honest
I have to be true
a life of happiness
isn't possible with my state of mind
and I've been thinking this
for a very long time
I'm miserable and sometimes
I want to die
but I'm a coward
and cowards seldom die
we run and we ***** and we moan
and we cry
sobbing at the fact it's ourselves we loathe
I want to drown myself
in a sea of liquor no less
forgetting my worries
this life and it's stress

Oxygen is precious
and I continue to waste it
contemplating life
and the decisions I make in it
but I can't decide if it's
sadness or anger I'm filled with
I clench my jaw constantly
and I cry in my sleep
don't know what I'm worth
every day I'm reminded I'm weak
decisions decisions, a lack of ambition
or rather the strength to acquire
what I desire and I know
life is truly a lustrous haze

My soul wants to dance
whilst my heart wants to fight
inflicting pain on others
only to lessen my strife
my mind is a complex maze of thought
thinking we were gifted with intelligence
but now I get it, it's a curse to see
understand, realise and go on knowingly
that life is hard and the world is not fair
well I realised it young
so I can admit that I'm scared
the people that comforted me,
stood by my side, seem unaware

I hope people see something in me
because I don't
I see pain filled eyes when I wash my face
I connect with a reflection
that has felt my pain
I doubt everyone else is different
we're all ashamed
the circumstances differ but
the pain is the same

I dream of greener pastures
and I ain't getting any younger
struggling to find the time
searchin' my pockets for pennies
lottery tickets and sunshine dust
well I never put my eggs in a basket
imagining the fruits of my labour
were full of vitamin c
they always told me education was key

No, I don't rely on a teacher
or confide in someone who doesn't
confide in me
well I hope the demon's love is true
or I'll find myself even more lost
hopelessly used and abused
and I'm just killing time
oh yes, I'm just killing time
starting to think that time is killing me

Dreaming of things '*** I'm a dreamer
and we ain't getting any younger
you said you'd get married when
you're twenty-five and I said
I'd quite like to get married now
but I can't find the time
searchin' for the minerals to ask you
can't afford the wine or pleasantries
they always told us we need to believe

No, I don't believe any preachers
or confide in someone who doesn't
confide in me
well I hope the demon that loves me is you
or I'll find myself even more lost
hopelessly wasted and confused
and I'm just killing time
oh yes, I'm just killing time
starting to think that time is killing me

I dream of strength and closure
and I ain't getting any younger
once I was three weeks sober
searchin' for reasons to quit
starting to think that I never needed it
well I never had any eggs in my basket
but I always had a *** to **** in
and a window to throw it out of
they always told me that what goes up

No, I don't get my hopes up
or confide in someone who doesn't
confide in me
well I lie because I hope my dreams come true
or I'll find myself even more lost
hopelessly sinking without you
and I'm just killing time
oh yes, I'm just killing time
starting to think that time is killing me

when I'm a wealthy man
I'll spoil you baby
every night we'll drink wine
I'll smoke my favourite cigar brand
we'll isten to to our favourite songs
upon our balcony that overlooks
the beautiful world in which we live
a party every Friday night
friends family and neighbours
will get down on our marble floor
and they will call us the king and queen
of revelry

Powerful force that can push
and pull
erode men made from stone
make heartless creatures feel
set fire to the oldest structures
family homes and baby pictures
peel the hearts skin
the love for lovers, friends and kin

The fields of love, vast and abundant
with tenderness, trust and care
they can yield families and soul mates
friends for life, stories too

Powerful force that can lift
and set down
make weak men strong
and strong women weak
flutter hearts that rarely beat
build new homes and rest the weary
play sweet songs on old heart strings
the love for lovers, friends and kin

I just crashed
I just burned
Thinking all this time
I never learned
This time I saw my life
Flash before my eyes
It got me thinking
Thinking about you
How you're the one
I think of when times get hard
A sour day turns so sweet
When I see you
When we finally meet
We work so hard
Long days and weeks
You're a saviour
My Jesus H Christ

Oh Jesus,
I thought about you again
Happiness,
Happiness,
Joys and delights
My angel my sweetheart
I'd give anything for you
And I do,
I do, I do, I do
The words I wish to hear
When spending the rest of my life
With you, with you, with you
It could come true, I do, I do
I'd live a life for you
I already think I do
For you, for you, for you

The thoughts that haunt me,
creep up at night
Visions of fly overs,
passing headlights
The deepest oceans,
filling my lungs
Every soul,
I've ever done wrong
My health anxieties,
white pustules and red gums
Eternal suffering,
even after relief
These are the things
that **** me in my sleep

I'm sad and lonely
but I'm not alone
My family they love me,
my sweetheart and friends
Though I have a mind
they cannot mend
I'm shallow sometimes,
even self obsessed
These confessions of mine,
hurt me and cut deep
With depression in mind,
I can find no relief
One thing I know
If I can't get to sleep
The road I will go,
The road I will go,
The road I will go,
the road oh-so-bleak

my dream was so vivid
hauntingly so
two old best friends and I
causing mischief
in a shopping centre
just like the old days
I haven't seen them both
in so very long
I can't help but wonder
how they are
despite the fact that
they both hurt me
very badly
I still feel the pain today
not often but the scars
are certainly still there
naturally I kept waking up
trying to escape the agony
of my prominent
but less illustrious past

everytime I fell asleep again
I found myself in the same dream
exactly where I left it
only to then wake up
hot and cold at the same time
thanks to night sweats
the strange thing is
in my dream I was happy
enjoying the company
of two old friends
despite the fact that
I kept waking up saddened
horrified and alone
I can't forget my past
I don't even want to
it made me who I am
I just don't want to relive it

or miss it

What a load of ****.
He said it best
Describing the world as if
He wore a heart shaped vest
Oh lord,
So vast, this plane of minerals
Alas!
Existence.
Rejoice
Rejoice
Rejoice

I don't want in poetry
Rather,
I have a need for words
To understand how I feel
To help you understand
My inner workings
I reflect on myself
Learn and better myself
Heart wrenching stories
From my past
Can't creep up on me
Or take me by surprise
When I review them daily
Weekly,
Monthly,
Yearly,
To better ourselves
We write
To share our angst
We write
To show that we love
We write
To feel someone else
Intimately
To touch the very soul
Of someone we have never met
To cry on their shoulders
To rejoice in happiness
Together

We read

Will you still love me
When I'm old and grey?
Will you still want me
If I go my own way?
And will you still need me
At the end of days?
When you have everything
Will I be a part of that?

I so badly want to fit in to you
Be apart of your life
Because I love you so much
And you love me but love
Was never enough

We have different dreams
Yours are glamorous and admirable
Mine are modest and never true
My dreams always tell a story
Of a life of success with me and you

I don't see how I fit in to your dreams
We're raised so differently
We want different things in fact
I just want you and me
You want the scary life of fame
Champagne and big cities

I would live in your shadow
Without hate or jealousy
I'd father our children and love them so
We'd teach them the best of us
A bit of both and a lot of love
That is my fantasy

But I was meant for more than that
I really think I was
I don't want to carry your briefcase
Yet live separately in our minds
I've been hurt before and know
It's only a short matter of time

I drove around the countryside
Looking for a place to stop
But I don't feel safe anywhere
There's nowhere I belong

I used to call my mother's house
My home for most of my life
I am not a kid  anymore
Wandering is my new life

I drove around the countryside
Looking for a place to think
But I can't clear my head anywhere
There's nowhere I can be

I used to think I'd be happy
When I was growing up
I am not the man I thought
Or surely sought to be

I drove around the countryside
Thinking about life
How it's always changing
And I hate that people come and go

I used to think I'd have my friends
For life, the ones I know
But I just keep on wandering
Until I find my place to go

I can't study
What I want to
Because I have no money
My course
Isn't eligible
For government loans
I can't get a loan
From my bank
Of nearly six years
Because I'm self employed
I write this
In a futile attempt
To stop me from crying
As I
Curse my working class
Background and
**** my underprivileged past

No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No place
No future
No future
No future

Cold rain falls
Patters on my head
I look to the sky
My eyes turn red
Flickering pupils
Dilated so wide
I tear off my shirt
Embracing skies tide
I open my mouth
To catch some raindrops
Tasteless liquids
Nothing makes the pain stop
Collected water boils inside
My mouth once dry
It's now a simmering ***
The demons inside me
Make everything hot

Deep inhalation of fresh air
I understand why I'm here now
I'm no longer scared
Steam streams out of my body
My hands are on fire, my lips tingle
I look to my left, a lamppost glows
I turn to my right I see people mingle
Outside a late night cafe, their life simple
A bus stop ahead with two people there
A man and woman, he touches her hair

I place the palm of my hand on the lampost
Just to lean and wonder how I'm here
The shade bursts and sparks fly
The woman at the bus stop screams
"Nooo I don't want to dieeee"
As the fluorescent lights fizzle and pop
The man she's with falls to his knees
Grasps his head "no please make it stop"
The small group of people freeze
Outside the cafe they violently fit
I don't know what's happening
I assume it is me doing this
I try to let go of the lamppost beside me
Pulling my arm with the other hand

I finally break free
I too now fall to my knees
Getting up is hard
My joints creek
With mechanical movements
I go over to see
The couple at the bus stop
The girl lays on the floor now
I shake her but she is surely dead
Her eyeballs have melted to red goo
The man still firmly grasping his head
Looking at him I don't know what to do
He chants repeatedly in words unheard

The people outside the restaurant
They're all still fitting
People are with them now from inside
I step backwards in to the bus shelter
Fear surges through me again
My conscious spirals a helter-skelter
Trying to hide from the people outside
Hearing sirens now my eyes dilated wide
I'm clueless as to what has happened
Panicking I run past the lamppost
Glancing at it as I pass
A dark black hand print is melted in

I guess I was too slow
I guess I'm too late
at the time, didn't care
I guess I wasn't awake
a dream, a fading reality
it passes with sleep
memories forever
moments you can't keep

She looks at me
Squints in one eye
Runs her tongue around her lips
From one corner to the other
My heart races, head flutters
I'm just so hot inside
Burning up in fact
Beads of sweat pour from my forehead
Drip down my nose and I realise
She has what I so very badly want
She pulls her hand away from her mouth
"What the **** are you looking at?"
I choke on my words before they come out
I'm so embarrassed
"I'm sorry love, that cornetto looks amazing right now"

For it is a British heatwave
We're strange enough in our usual
Cold and wet weather
We're freaks in the sun

To my friend,

I haven't met you yet
You should know that
What you see is what you get
I am not a liar, perhaps just
Brutally honest but
I will sprinkle compassion
On your morning coffee and
Comfort you day and night
In the dark times to come

I don't have anything to give
Except my own company and
A whole lot of love
Hopefully that's good enough
I'll never be perfect but
None of us are, so hopefully
You'll enjoy my company
Better than I do at least

Maybe when we're together
We can go see a movie
Or you could come for a drink
With me and my girlfriend
I just know you're going to love her
She's everything to me and you'll
Get along just fine I know it

Did I mention my family is big?
I have five sisters but it's not
Even half as insufferable as you'd think
They're just like me in a way except
Better suited to girly stuff
My parents are great and my dad
Gets on with near enough everyone

I hope to meet you soon mate
It's lonely without you here
I can be your right hand man
You can be my comfort zone
Here's to the day we meet
Be patient buddy, it can't be long now

Much love from
Your soon to be best friend

Finley x

I like this pub.
Not too loud so you can't think.
Not too quiet so that you can't
help but think.

An old Cambridge pub called
the Portland Arms.
I've recently taken to drinking
whiskey straight, enjoying the burn.

The music is mediocre but
the people seem genuine enough.
Not that that matters anyway
when you're drinking alone.

Line by line, recite my pain
Neither me, you or the world to blame
Remembering how weak I was
Forgetting how strong I am
Surrender, my talent
Giving up, never my plan

I don't want to be just another man
I want to be special and unique
Different yet the same and admirable
I want success, I want to be humble
The universe doesn't care
Nothing is planned
Since fate doesn't exist

Every day is different
Every day is the same
I make no difference to this world
I'll never make a change
If I'm honest
I myself never really liked change
Hell, I never really even liked myself

A jealous individual is me
A sad one too
"Woe is me" cliché yet true
I wake up every day and cry inside
"What am I going to do?"
Every poem I wrote sounds the same
"Oh sadness, Oh love, Oh money,
Oh baby, Oh please, Oh why"

I'm suffocated by anger
Egged on by pain
An old soul with a young face
A young man with no place
Very few friends since eighteen
All I am is a sob story
An easy to get on with drama queen

When I'm happy, I'm extremely so
I forget my pains and feel as though
The world is not the same
The clouds part and the sun shines
Forgetting my worries my life's good
I want to be this way all the time

When I'm sad, I'm abysmally so
My mind cracks with bright light
A pain so deep it takes my sight
The world darkens and reality loses
A battle of good and evil in my head
It's times like this I wish I was better

Happy or sad I'll own my thoughts
They are mine and life's too short
Happy or sad I'll pen my thoughts
They are mine and they are heavy
I hope to understand them someday
Perhaps someday when I am ready

On the ground of this
Forever changing world
I plant my feet firmly
Watching life pass me by
With a heart of bark and
Thick sap tears, I wither
This acid rain can't sustain me

I'd never do you wrong
But I can't do you right
I struggle to understand things
And I might, be better off alone
Who knows?
Perhaps we're great together

As if I'm the whiskey and
You're a fine cigar
Individually enjoyable
Together we're great
But we're both cancerous and
One of us ruins lives

Not even twenty-one yet crushed
by the weight of a thousand problems
Financially suffocated by a prolonged
suffering which was initially avoidable
and ultimately devastating

Since 'momma' kicked me out
I could feel the independence
Decision making and problem solving
was always something I excelled in
Though, it was always do as I say,
not as I do

"Yes mum I'm going to college, it's looking very promising yes, I love you too"

None of this will make sense to me
in five years time I'll be the same waste
of space I am today but I can't let
the people I love know I feel this way

Tormented and asphyxiated
The best of us suffer in silence
Drugs, *** and general self abuse
are the only things that alleviated
my sense of self worthlessness

The higher you are the further
you'll have to fall because right now
I am on another planet but my body
was never a temple and I can tell you
it's more like a post modern nightclub

Struggle
              Suffering
                     ­         Loneliness
                                             ­    Substance
                                   Betrayal
                           Help
          Recovery
Relapse
              Sleepless
         ­                    Hopeless
                                            Rejection
  ­                                                          Failure­
                                       Self-loathing
                  Rock-bottom