Everything used to be so clear...
Don't lie, cheat, steal, injure, hate...
Do the dishes when you're told
Go fold the laundry
But when did being "good"
Become so complicated?
When did that voice appear
That taunts me to sin
Even when I know the consequences
I can't always tell wants from needs
The lines are so fuzzy...
So I live in no man's land
Sometimes even stepping over
Clearly crossing lines
Just to test it...
But I thought I knew
I thought I was good
Why am I so dark inside?
And why do I like it...?

I just want to feel something
coursing
through my veins
that isn’t blood.
I’ve grown so tired
and bored
of my flesh.
give me something
More

my eyes
heavy
thoughts
foggy
and the world's
best selling drug
to prop me up
to induce
lucidity

I feel odd
Not all there
In and out of phase
Waking and sleeping
My mind won’t commit
My head droops on my pillow
I think I should breathe
Eyes won’t focus
A nervous calm fills my gut
Tired but knowing I must wake
Everything in my head
Feels so sluggish
Let me lay down
Good morning

On my lips
On my tongue
In my veins
In my brain
Indulge tonight in a cheap moscato
Something sweet and intoxicating
Why do I keep wishing I had more...?

You want nothing more
Than to be a good mom
To see me succeed
To see me happy
To have me love you

But you’re not
We’re so far past that now
You can’t make up for your mistakes
I can’t thank you for an existence I don’t want

I love you
But you’re not a good mom
You’re just my mother

I gave it my all
That’s what you said to do
You said one hundred and ten percent
So I did it for you

That was fine
I was alright
Until someone else said those same words
Again, again, again

I thought I could handle it
At first
But slowly I drained myself
Like a battery

You gave me handshakes and high-fives
Awards and degrees
Certifying my excellence
Molding my existence

I pushed myself
I met my deadlines
I did what you said
I did what all of you said

After a time
All of me was poured out
Scattered
Empty

Everything I had held
Fell broken and scattered
And frantically I tried to rebuild it
From what was left

My hands shake as I try
To put the pieces back in order
A desire, a compulsion
To control my storm

Anything
Everything
Hold it together
Hold something together

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t
Echoes in my mind
As thoughts spin and whirl
A tornado of expectations

I should…
But I can’t…
Well of course not
You’ve been drained for years

“Shoulds” and “oughts”
The poison in my thoughts
I just wanted to do what you said
To show you I had listened

I always had something to prove
I still do
But now it’s not about you
It’s about me

Now, I excel when I can
When I want to
If I don’t,
It was my choice

I don’t care what you think.
I value your opinion
But now I also value my own
I know my limits

There is so much me to explore
I can’t believe I let you drive so long
I missed out on me
And so did you

So when you say to give it my all,
I might
I might not
That’s my choice

I know how much of me I have to give
Only I can portion my time
You don’t know everything
I am strong, and I have limits

I have the power to say, “no”
When you ask to take from me
But I also can say, “yes” graciously
Knowing that I don’t need it

See, that’s what’s changed
I know what I need
I don’t rely on your knowing better
Because I can decide for myself

Rather than giving everything my all,
I give it my best
Knowing that I need to save some for myself
A bit of extra bandwidth in reserve

This way, you don’t own me
But I can offer myself to you
I can still give with grace
But I can withhold with wisdom

I give it my best

This is going to work
I’ll feel better
Swapping medications
Paroxetine for fluoxetine
Sprinkle in some hydroxyzine
Just keep swallowing
Pill after pill...
Idk... maybe one of them will help
But now.... my head spins
Every time I move
I never want to eat
Then I gorge myself
I can’t remember anything
I’m sorry I keep forgetting
I just... I’m trying so hard to get better
I’m trying. I am.
But to get better
I must endure illness
Withdrawal
Side effects
Before any of it will improve

Oh what is it now??

Is it because you didn’t drink any water
To prevent drowning out
The copious amount of caffeine you swallowed?

Is it because you seem to have a habit
Of eating twice daily
With about 12 hours in between??

Is it because it’s 3 am
And you ought to be asleep???

Is it because you wait so **** long
To take your ******* medicine
To see if it’ll start to wear off????

Is it because you get stressed
Over every minuscule detail?????

Is it because someone not liking you
Causes you actual anxiety??????

Who ******* knows.
But regardless.

My head hurts....

My mind is a tub
For this, I write
I'll try and explain
Why I seem to delight
In typing my pain
Night after night

You see,
This tub is filled
Constantly
With pain instilled
Inside of me

But in addition,
Poured into the blend
A kind of fruition
And things that mend

I recently learned
How to pull on the plug
For which I had yearned
Forever to tug

Bursting out
In stanza and rhyme
Came all my doubt
Fear, hurting, and crime

Then I could see
In my tub what remained
Was light and beauty
Now reclaimed

So on I write
Of terrors and fear
To put up a fight
And keep my head clear

As long as I can remember
I had this friend
Only, I didn't see her
I only felt her touch

At first, no one else saw her
She blended in with me
We appeared as one
And maybe we were

Over time, she grew impatient
She got louder, stronger
She'd rage and throw fits
But they still didn't see her

She learned to scream from my lips
Shutting me down
She took control over me
And I hid beneath her

She told me she'd protect me
And I believed every word
She had always been there
So there she ought to stay

Until she grew so loud
Others began to see
She shoved me so far down inside
And told me she knew best

Every thought, feeling, action
Was under her control
She held a toy gun to my head
And convinced me it was real

When she grew too loud,
Everyone could see
I didn't know
What was wrong with me

When I finally had the power
To put her in her place
She begged, clawed, and fought
Using every bit of strength

But I won

Now she sits quietly
Able to offer advice
Only when I ask her
Does she ever take control

Slowly but surely
I've found my way out
Of the cage she created
Deep within my self

You calmed my storm
Then I washed ashore
Puking and frozen
Half-dead
Suffocating
But alive, I suppose

The storm left me with
So many scars
That I don't know
If I will ever heal
So, why did You let me
Break like that

I'm sure I'll grow
From what I've learned
I know You have a plan
But right now
I feel like I've been damaged
I feel betrayed

I know it's not true
But that's how I feel
And maybe if I can own it
I can start to see
Why You let it happen
Because I just don't get it

tw: suicidal thoughts



I haven’t felt it in months...
But I knew I should’ve listened...
I should’ve thrown out all the pills
All the orange bottles in my nightstand drawer
I didn’t want to then
I don’t want to now
They’re my way out
My backup plan
When things go dark,
I can offer them to myself
There’s always the pills...
I don’t even know if they’re enough...
But part of me is desperate to find out

How naive of me
To think it would be so simple
It would just
Go away

Take the pills
Talk monthly
You’ll be fine
You’re fine
It’s fine
I’m fine...

But c’mon
Did you think it would all just be over?
That didn’t just happen
There’s something in your head
Something’s wrong
You haven’t fixed it
Just calmed it
Set it aside

But it’s returning
It’s found a way out
It will swallow you whole
It wants you dead

My heart is blackened
The edges burned and seared
And no matter what I do
No matter how hard I try
I can’t keep it alive
I can’t stop the necrosis
As it spreads
Deeper and deeper
And I’m really... uggghhh
I’m frustrated
Because I’m supposed to be alive
I’m supposed to want to be
But I can’t escape it
The death that follows me

There’s death in my heart
It doesn’t beat
Can’t feel a thing
Icy... necrotic...
I feel like I’m fading
Falling
From reality
From life
From grace
And if I’m really lucky
I’ll talk myself into it
And I’ll get to see it
On my wrist

Why does everything make my heart ache?
Is there nothing that’s not painful?
I’m tired and I’m lonely and I’m hurting
And I just need some rest
I need relief
Why can’t anything
Numb the pain

Can someone just
Come close
All the way
Into my heart
I’ll show you in
Excuse the mess....
Haven’t had many guests...

I just want to be loved
Accepted
Noticed
Remembered
Touched
Admired
Cared for
Respected

I need these things
The desire hurts
I can’t let myself hope
Because I know these
Are not the kinds of things
Someone like me
Gets to have

Every sound
Is nails on a chalkboard
The crunch of chips
The droning of the TV
Barking dogs
Everything
Makes all my muscles tense
So tight
And fills me with anger
At everything
Making me want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Just to get some
Peace and quiet

Lull me to sleep
Make me drowsy
Sedate me
I want to feel my limbs relax
My breaths grow slow and even
Heart rate dropping slightly
Fill my eyelids with lead
Induce a deep slumber
To quiet the noise
The turmoil in my mind
Take from me my consciousness
I desperately need
To rid myself of it

The night is coming for me
Her dark delirium
Take me from this
I don’t want it
It’ll be easier in the morning
It will
It will
It has to be...
It’s surrounding me now
Engulfing me
Drawing thick fog through my mind
Losing control
Letting go...
Please take me.
You don’t even have to bring me back.

I feel safe in the night
Surrounded in darkness and a cozy blanket
Dogs sleeping soundly
The world is my room
And it’s all only mine

No one will open the door
They’re all also themselves
And I can finally breathe
With the weight of the day
Of their burdens
Of the household
Of my burdens
Off my shoulders

Tired
I like fighting it
Forcing my eyes open
When they threaten to close
The calm in my body
Ready to rest
But I’m not
I’m bored
Stretch for a while
Especially the sore muscles
What’s wrong with your back?
I don’t know
Just like this feeling
Don’t want to surrender to the night
But I must

What are you supposed to do
When life feels
Like a nightmare
And you cannot wake
There is no escape

Oh! But your mind will play games
Dangling keys to doors you’ll never find
Solutions that you can never see through
Plans you’ll never execute

And eventually
The escape routes
They’ll get darker
And darker
Until you’re sure they might **** you
But... does it matter?

There’s not even anything wrong
Is there??
Why does everything hurt
so **** bad
In this waking nightmare
From which you can’t escape

I just want to turn into the person you never dreamed I would be... not even in your wildest nightmares

tw self harm, suicide



no one's coming to save you


you're going to mark red on your wrist

no one will know


you're going to beg to give up your life

no one will care


you're going to wither until all you are is a shell

no one will notice


they're not coming to save you

they don't care

they won't ask about the scars

they won't know you no longer cry

they don't want to see your pain


no one's coming

they won't save you if you try

There’s this odd lingering thought
I’ve been swirling around in my head
That I have no idea how I am
I don’t know if I’m doing well
How would I?
I’ve been sick with this affliction
As long as I can remember
Is there such thing as a “normal” person?
What is it like to be sane?
To not fear your own mind?
To not be tortured by your thoughts?
What’s it like to want to get out of bed?
Or to not have to numb yourself to function?
I suppose I’m doing well
I smile often
As long as others are around
I’m doing well at school
When I can make myself do the work
My job is great
When I can get myself there on time
So I don’t know
Is that normal?

It’s not enough
You need to keep drinking
You can stop when it’s all gone
Stop when you can’t see straight
Keep ******* drinking
You worthless *****
Don’t listen to your body
Just drink
You’re not drunk enough

I don’t want this
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be successful
I don’t want to be whatever you all wanted
I just... I just want to be happy...
But yes... I understand.
Happiness is not for me.

and then i remember
there’s nothing for me here

tw self harm, suicidal thoughts




There’s nothing for me here

There will be no love for me

It’s just... it’s not possible
I’ve suspected it for so long
But tonight I know it’s true
There’s no one to care

There’s nothing

Just me and my suffering

No words to comfort me
No arms to hold me
No lips to kiss me

I can feel the end in me tonight
It reaches out to offer its hand
A sweet relief
A few pills and you could be done...

But in my agony I know I must not stop now
And in my frustration I crave comfort
I require distraction
I want to drink it away.... but I cannot tonight
Instead my hand reaches again for the blade
Now shrouded in a new guilt
Because I know I’ve lied to you....
But I couldn’t give you the truth...

So tonight
I’ll silence the agony
With a shallow, swift slash

Cold apathy
Deadened
Numb
Trying to agitate the senses
Rekindle the flame
But by poor choice
I’m worse feeling...
I don’t want to come back
I shut down for a reason
And I’m finding
More and more reasons
Piling up
Encouraging the apathy
It would seem
I must feel far too much
Or nothing at all

I never get what I want

I give and give and give and... give and... give.... and... give.. .. . .... .

And now there's nothing left

And I want to die

Because why would I want to live

If all I ever do is run myself until I break down

And never EVER get A THING I want

******* morals....

Why do ALL OF YOU get to enjoy your lives???

And me? NO. She doesn't want to have fun!

We don't even need to invite her!

But now... now my life is tasteless

The color drained and left it all stained black

I don't care anymore

Because there's nothing good left

No fun, no pleasure

Except the minuscule tastes I steal

I hate you ALL

You've done this to me

And tried to convince me

It made me a "good person"

Loneliness is a knife in my chest
It hurts and bleeds

Lol

I’m too ****** up
I’m damaged
I hurt myself
I make it worse
I’m generally ****
And there’s really too much to fix

So yeah...
I get pissy when you tell me
“Oh you’ll find someone...”
And mentioned “when you get married...”
But what if I ******* don’t
How about the reality I’m ******* facing

I’m not pretty enough to have my personality overlooked
****... c’mon I know I’m not pretty at all
I’m entirely emotionally unstable
I’m too defensive to not be a *****
(There’s too much at stake)
I have absolutely no clue how to have a relationship
I don’t know how to talk to people
I don’t know how to meet people
I don’t know how to have fun
And I basically want to die 75% of the time
And maybe I ******* should

There’s really nothing right with me

Probably won’t help
But I’d absolutely love
To find out how much of that bottle
I could swallow
Before someone notices

I remember praying
When I was a child
That God could take anything
Anything at all of mine from me
And my faith could get me through
But not my mind...
No, my mind defined me
I was nothing if I wasn’t smart
And in that moment
I knew exactly what
I needed taken away...

I thought I wanted
To numb the pain
But I was wrong
I can’t feel anything
No desire to live
No desire to die
No desire at all
I can’t feel
And it’s so much worse
Than feeling pain
Every breath is forced
Every heartbeat plain
This isn’t right
Something’s wrong
With me
And that fear
Is the only thing
That I can feel
So I savor it
So I stimulate it
So I simulate it
Amidst the emptiness
Of existence

Everything’s cold inside
Blissfully numb
Stupidly happy
I know some days
I truly hate it
But today...
This is heaven

Once again
My body is heavy
I’m tired and I shouldn’t be
I can’t feel anything
But numbness in my chest
I’m not quite alive...