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Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Stop and start
A beating heart
Boil my blood
Burn my skin
Free my ashes
Hellfire within

This dead soul consumed
By a vengeful world
No heaven or hell
Eternal purgatory
Living cost
So much more
Than death

Strike fear
Into them
Make them good
Because they fear
Retribution
Judgement will come
Did you pay your dues?

Sins wrapped in shadows
The darkness within
Slips out the cracks
Turning innocence out
Guilty pleasures
Everyday trangressions
Just one more
The promise of tomorrow
Be redeemed
Pray to be forgiven

False perfection
Surface beauty
A shining beacon
Blinding saintliness
A matyr to the cause
By living purely
Give not onto temptation
I wrote this after reading a former friend's poem "Buried Alive."  This poem, as well as his other ones, can be found on beelzeblog.wordpress.com if you're interested in checking it out.  

My thoughts on this is some people are "good" because they fear being bad and getting sent to hell, versus being good because they want to be good.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
You might be
Bolder in black ink,
But your heart still bleeds red
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Sometimes
Soft memories
Seep in
Like warm hugs
On cold nights
Easing the ache
Of my failing heart
For a little while.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Dreams bloom
Over white pages
Filling it with color and ink
Scribbles of thoughts
Scattered throughout
Like pollen in a spring field
Light swells
Blindingly fast
Emconmpassing everything
Nothing but bliss in heaven
For this moonlit fragment.
Random. Kinda liked the feel of this one but less focus on rhythm, more on imagery.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
I dont need anything
Not really,
Not from you.
Despite my heart
And its ****** tears,
My mind knows
Its inevitable truth.

But

My curiosity burns
About who
And other questions
I can no longer ask
So be ever more ink bold
And perhaps,
In time,
the story will unfold
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Sometimes all I can hear
In the ever deepening chasm of silence
Is the steady


Drip


Drip


Drip


Of my heart bleeding out.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
To dissolve in my mind
Is better than to
Congeal in reality
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Dreamer's wings
Are fragile things
Made with threads of hope

Warming skies
Soaring so high
Threads become rope

Fear erupts
Doubt corrupts
******* in, cannot cope
A rhyming poem, I don't often do any sort of structured poem because I tend to loose flow whenever I try to make it fit such a pattern.  It's alright I think.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
No stopping, no crawling
I am blinding bolts of light
And hot flashes of passion
Fury thrown into the winds
Beating the earth,
And rupturing the sky
I am an empyrean tempest
Always building into the next storm
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Not meant to be
Means nothing to me
I am unpersonified,
A bounty on every breath
I ceased to exist
At 5 months conceived
I was born a miscarriage,
A mistake, a not meant to be
Fate has no ties,
No threads to weave
Im a mess up in the
Fundamental tapestry
Even god seeks my death
To take back what's not mine
Defiant, deviant, I don't abide
My life is not forfeit
Unbound, unbalanced, unknown
I fight for the right to LIVE.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
I wish I could soak my mind
In goddess blood all day
Bathed in the passion of creation
Fever dreams keeping me from sleep,
Instead of this tired gray matter
Building complex worlds
And blossoming people
And rich magic
There must always be magic
In my fever dream worlds.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
When need boils away
The patience of a friend
Is when the skin burns off
Destroying the last of hope
The ashes blow away quietly
And with it, my dreams...
I wrote this one after my friend left.  I'm still pretty upset about it.  I had thought if this friend couldn't deal with me, then chances are no one will, not to mention that all the repercussions on my mental health that I am now having to deal with because of it.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
If there is no point
Then
Perhaps
I will take
The meandering path
And
Perhaps
I will double back
To the gray matter house
Despite how far I made it
Today
Yesterday
A month ago
A year ago
I always come back
Perhaps
I will stay there
This time
Make it home
Quietly waste away
As energy leaks out
And effort is exhausted
Time flies by
And I will sleep
To my tired heart's content.
Tired depression
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
I wanna write poetry
That grabs by the throat
Choking,
Seizing your secrets
From your tasty open mouth
And speechless tongue

I wanna write poetry
As wild and free
As this burnt out bleeding ash
B l o w i n g
In a soft never-ending breeze

I wanna write poetry
That howls with the loneliness
Of a cold shooting star
On a cloudy bleached day
Missing the meteor showing
By a few thousand years

I wanna write poetry
With odd jumps and
Pauses
That captures music
And dance
Andy everything
Between the odd cacophony
Of unwell put together words

I wanna write poetry
That SCREAMS with the
Silent fury of a
Self-inflicted cage
Locked by being lost and used
But open yet to like minded needy hands

I wanna write poetry
Not with rhymes
But with the rhythm
Of my off beat jazz
And out of tune,
Flat,
Voice.

I wanna write poetry.
First poem I wrote after years of not writing at all.  I'd never written poetry before this really, but I became very interested in it a few years ago, and even more so in the recent months and it was the first one I thought was alright.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Mammon murdered me
Right around 1:25 am
When he pulld out
And i pulled him back in
Filled me
Then pushed him away
And went to sleep
While he left
I don't know, it just came to me.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
You ask me why
Why i do this
Why I push people away

I am broken simply put
The jagged pieces of my heart
Pierced my lungs
And I can't breathe
I can't talk without
Rasping breaths
And choking on sobs
Because I'm just not
What I'm supposed to be
And I don't think I ever will get there

My body is lying cold and empty
At the bottom of a cliff already
And only my ghost haunts
The people still around
Trying to postpone the discovery
Trying to protect them
Because if they knew
They would drown in guilt
And I don't want to be
Another source of suffering
Everybody has problems
They all are struggling
To find the light in their lives
And I wanted to help them
I wanted to be the light
But if I am the light
And I go out then
All they have is darkness
And I dont want
That to be my only imprint
On the world

I dont want to be close
Because I am afraid
I'm afraid of how broken I am
And that I will always
Be a problem
That I will always be
Too much
And that I will be the one
Who drives everyone away
But only once I'm attached
So that once they leave
I can throw myself
At the wall of silence
The bricks of apathy or anger
And shatter my poor heart and soul
Who cannot stand up against
My sinister deadly brain

I push people away
Because people have stabbed
At me in small ways
Over the years
Slowly eroding my sense
Of self until I surrendered
And started stabbing myself
Trying to make them feel better
Because at least one of us should
Have some semblance of happiness
Even if it is spiteful happiness
In the world of greed
And I don't know how to stop
And how to save myself
I taught myself to be a sacrifice
For others and
That's all I know how to be.

I run away from people
Because I was never a first choice
Or even really a choice of theirs at all
I simply existed in their life
Sometimes reminding them
Of someone else more important than me
And I was convenient
So they could take what they want
And disappear into the noise
While I waited to be noticed again
By those most important to me

Eventually I got tired of waiting
I wanted attention yes
I wanted to be heard
And understood and
I want people to stop being angry
With me, I'm trying to be the best I can
I want people to stop wanting
Me to change for them
To let me be happy and
Affectionate and sharing
And be appreciated for it
To light them up as much as they do me
Or when it's just too much, to be sad
And close and comfortable
Without feeling like a curse
And needing the broken to simply go away
Because it is too much for them
I want to stop feeling like I don't
Belong around people
But I don't know how
I never was normal before
And I don't know how to start now.

I broke my ability to believe
In new people months ago
Maybe years ago
And now I just CAN'T feel
Attached to new people
I just want them to go away
It's more energy than I have
To build new ones, and there's
No trust, no belief, no hope
In the new ones as much
As I like you, I can't CARE
Anymore and it's better
Because I don't want you
To think I care when I don't
I've had that done to me,
So I will push you away
Before it really matters
I'm sorry for even trying again
And tying you up
In my tangled up mess of emotions

I want to fix the few I can still feel
But I can't, I can't, I can't
All of them are fading away
And there's no way I can move on
Till I resolve at least one of these
Messed up **** ups of mine
And I really really need that
To just be okay
Because I can't take one more
Person that I messed up on
Or the knowledge that I might
Not be a poisoner
But the poison itself
And I'm so sorry
But please leave
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
As sad as story ends are
New stories begin
Be new, be new

But
If the past
Should ever catch you
And hold you
And nothing else works
You can always
Remember me softly
Think of my warmth for you
Lean back onto me
You have my heart

I hope
The future sweeps through
Unsticking you, moving you
And remaking the world
Far brighter, far better
Be new, be you
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Sometimes words dont flow
They scratch your soul
With a blunt knife,
Splintering edges
And jagged rough cuts
Not elegant enough
To be called engraved.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
I slipped on a sad thought
So i went for a suicide stroll
And had a fashion show
For my dreams
Masquerading as nightmares
This is more of a happy don't give a crap about the world attitude, hence stroll.  It's by no means finished.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Sometimes
I just lay in bed
Wrapped in blankets
Wishing my heart was warmer
Brighter, easier to care about
The dreamer in me is dying
There is no magic strong enough
To dispel this despair
As small rivulets of hope leak out
Each drop a tiny crystal wish
That will never come true
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
Night is the most delicious time
To take a walk
I can drink the moonlight manifest
Pure molten dreams
Spiced with cinnamon heart-fire
Sweetened with sugar crystal wishes
I can make a tiny paper umbrella
From the thin shadow wrapped secrets
To adorn my goblet of curiosity
I can explore the world whilst it slumbers
Refreshing myself
On the refinement of such an elixir
The world is velvet at night
Richly textured in darkness
That the sun burns away
Obligations fill the morning
And inhibitions take the afternoon
Evenings are for expectations
But night has no bindings, no chains
It taste like freedom,
Savory, to be relished
Night is where there is no demons
Only unleashed limitations
Night is the most delicious time
To take a walk
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
I used to walk a brighter path
Before this storm consumed me
Now I follow the darkness
To the Inevitable End.
I had given up hope and had been determined that I wouldn't even try to take care of myself, I would let my self destructive ways be the end of me.
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
My heart won't stop beating
Beause of not meant to be's
As much as it aches
There's still much to see

Perhaps, it is not over yet
No, not a happy ending
But a few pages left,
A story-end still pending
Lyvana Nyx Aug 2017
I'm climbing out of
The gelatinous malaise
Of depression
As it relinquishes
It's life draining fingers
Off of my
Barely breathing
Raw throat
I feel the light of
Potential fill me
And I hope
Yet again
For a better day
A better life
One day
Maybe today
As I enjoy the freedom
A reprieve gives me
I'm okay
I can breathe
I can aim small
Baby steps
Without the anxiety
Of needing it
And the next 3 big steps
To be already done
It's okay if I'm flawed
And if I messed up
It's even okay if
I can't fix it
Maybe one day I can
But it won't be today
Today is for delight
In the small things
Like the lovely smell
Of bergamot
In earl gray tea
Or the softness
Of a pets' warm fur
Pressing against you
Today is for beauty
Seen in happy smiles
Of happy people
Who aren't letting
The harsh world
Get to them
It for the magic
That is music
Dancing sound
Today is for the esquisite flavor
Of lime sherbert ice cream
Sweet creamy cold
Refreshing in the heat of summer
Today is for many things
But not for all the negativity
Today is for a break
A gentle pause of life
For I have been sick
Time to recover
To heal old wounds
To learn how to live again
For I have forgotten
It's been so long
Today will be great
Because I will make it so

— The End —