You ask me why
Why i do this
Why I push people away

I am broken simply put
The jagged pieces of my heart
Pierced my lungs
And I can't breathe
I can't talk without
Rasping breaths
And choking on sobs
Because I'm just not
What I'm supposed to be
And I don't think I ever will get there

My body is lying cold and empty
At the bottom of a cliff already
And only my ghost haunts
The people still around
Trying to postpone the discovery
Trying to protect them
Because if they knew
They would drown in guilt
And I don't want to be
Another source of suffering
Everybody has problems
They all are struggling
To find the light in their lives
And I wanted to help them
I wanted to be the light
But if I am the light
And I go out then
All they have is darkness
And I dont want
That to be my only imprint
On the world

I dont want to be close
Because I am afraid
I'm afraid of how broken I am
And that I will always
Be a problem
That I will always be
Too much
And that I will be the one
Who drives everyone away
But only once I'm attached
So that once they leave
I can throw myself
At the wall of silence
The bricks of apathy or anger
And shatter my poor heart and soul
Who cannot stand up against
My sinister deadly brain

I push people away
Because people have stabbed
At me in small ways
Over the years
Slowly eroding my sense
Of self until I surrendered
And started stabbing myself
Trying to make them feel better
Because at least one of us should
Have some semblance of happiness
Even if it is spiteful happiness
In the world of greed
And I don't know how to stop
And how to save myself
I taught myself to be a sacrifice
For others and
That's all I know how to be.

I run away from people
Because I was never a first choice
Or even really a choice of theirs at all
I simply existed in their life
Sometimes reminding them
Of someone else more important than me
And I was convenient
So they could take what they want
And disappear into the noise
While I waited to be noticed again
By those most important to me

Eventually I got tired of waiting
I wanted attention yes
I wanted to be heard
And understood and
I want people to stop being angry
With me, I'm trying to be the best I can
I want people to stop wanting
Me to change for them
To let me be happy and
Affectionate and sharing
And be appreciated for it
To light them up as much as they do me
Or when it's just too much, to be sad
And close and comfortable
Without feeling like a curse
And needing the broken to simply go away
Because it is too much for them
I want to stop feeling like I don't
Belong around people
But I don't know how
I never was normal before
And I don't know how to start now.

I broke my ability to believe
In new people months ago
Maybe years ago
And now I just CAN'T feel
Attached to new people
I just want them to go away
It's more energy than I have
To build new ones, and there's
No trust, no belief, no hope
In the new ones as much
As I like you, I can't CARE
Anymore and it's better
Because I don't want you
To think I care when I don't
I've had that done to me,
So I will push you away
Before it really matters
I'm sorry for even trying again
And tying you up
In my tangled up mess of emotions

I want to fix the few I can still feel
But I can't, I can't, I can't
All of them are fading away
And there's no way I can move on
Till I resolve at least one of these
Messed up **** ups of mine
And I really really need that
To just be okay
Because I can't take one more
Person that I messed up on
Or the knowledge that I might
Not be a poisoner
But the poison itself
And I'm so sorry
But please leave

Night is the most delicious time
To take a walk
I can drink the moonlight manifest
Pure molten dreams
Spiced with cinnamon heart-fire
Sweetened with sugar crystal wishes
I can make a tiny paper umbrella
From the thin shadow wrapped secrets
To adorn my goblet of curiosity
I can explore the world whilst it slumbers
Refreshing myself
On the refinement of such an elixir
The world is velvet at night
Richly textured in darkness
That the sun burns away
Obligations fill the morning
And inhibitions take the afternoon
Evenings are for expectations
But night has no bindings, no chains
It taste like freedom,
Savory, to be relished
Night is where there is no demons
Only unleashed limitations
Night is the most delicious time
To take a walk

I'm climbing out of
The gelatinous malaise
Of depression
As it relinquishes
It's life draining fingers
Off of my
Barely breathing
Raw throat
I feel the light of
Potential fill me
And I hope
Yet again
For a better day
A better life
One day
Maybe today
As I enjoy the freedom
A reprieve gives me
I'm okay
I can breathe
I can aim small
Baby steps
Without the anxiety
Of needing it
And the next 3 big steps
To be already done
It's okay if I'm flawed
And if I messed up
It's even okay if
I can't fix it
Maybe one day I can
But it won't be today
Today is for delight
In the small things
Like the lovely smell
Of bergamot
In earl gray tea
Or the softness
Of a pets' warm fur
Pressing against you
Today is for beauty
Seen in happy smiles
Of happy people
Who aren't letting
The harsh world
Get to them
It for the magic
That is music
Dancing sound
Today is for the esquisite flavor
Of lime sherbert ice cream
Sweet creamy cold
Refreshing in the heat of summer
Today is for many things
But not for all the negativity
Today is for a break
A gentle pause of life
For I have been sick
Time to recover
To heal old wounds
To learn how to live again
For I have forgotten
It's been so long
Today will be great
Because I will make it so

Sometimes
I just lay in bed
Wrapped in blankets
Wishing my heart was warmer
Brighter, easier to care about
The dreamer in me is dying
There is no magic strong enough
To dispel this despair
As small rivulets of hope leak out
Each drop a tiny crystal wish
That will never come true

No stopping, no crawling
I am blinding bolts of light
And hot flashes of passion
Fury thrown into the winds
Beating the earth,
And rupturing the sky
I am an empyrean tempest
Always building into the next storm

Not meant to be
Means nothing to me
I am unpersonified,
A bounty on every breath
I ceased to exist
At 5 months conceived
I was born a miscarriage,
A mistake, a not meant to be
Fate has no ties,
No threads to weave
Im a mess up in the
Fundamental tapestry
Even god seeks my death
To take back what's not mine
Defiant, deviant, I don't abide
My life is not forfeit
Unbound, unbalanced, unknown
I fight for the right to LIVE.

As sad as story ends are
New stories begin
Be new, be new

But
If the past
Should ever catch you
And hold you
And nothing else works
You can always
Remember me softly
Think of my warmth for you
Lean back onto me
You have my heart

I hope
The future sweeps through
Unsticking you, moving you
And remaking the world
Far brighter, far better
Be new, be you