I don’t usually do this
In fact, not at all

These reasons I don't
Is the fear of the fall

But that hunger in your stare,
Your hands interlaced in my hair

Had my heart at a standstill
You've got me at your complete will...

But boy that smile
Beats all these miles

And here I sit
So in love...
You're it

the leaves fall as they die
the rain when the clouds cry

rose petals fall as the color fades
tears when her heart breaks

stars fall to make her wishes come true
her hair when she undresses you

all of these fall,
just like she falls
for you...

Remember staring at the same night sky?
Remember when your touch made her feel alive?

But do you remember when you hurt her heart?
Remember when you tore her apart?

Oh she loved you thoroughly
Yes, you were all she could see

Every let down wedged you both away
Every let down her heart had to pay

Now, she can't gasp out one word
No... she can't even be heard...

She knew you were it
But she can't commit

You give her every excuse in the book
Every hope she had you took

But will you ever truly understand?
The pain she endured when she took your hand...?

She's not going to come out of this the same
Her heart had the bullseye for your aim...

This isn't a poem, this is written from the heart of a hurting girl...

I am that girl, the pure title, and definition of fearing commitment. The funny thing, it’s the farthest thing I ever want to be.

Deep down I see marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fences, and all the dogs you’ll let me have. Oh yes, it’s a beautiful future there, yet my so-called “relationships” last maybe a few months, because you throw words out there like love, and moving in together, being my rock and everything I long for. Yeah, I might say those words back, I may play along with what our wedding will look like, and that gorgeous ring that adds a beautiful symbol of commitment on my scrawny little finger and its beautiful because deeply that is what my poor beaten-up heart is yearning for. But instead, those feelings of bliss I so wistfully yearn for are replaced with panic and pure distaste for wanting stick it out and stay by your side.

So, what do I do? I run. I am the star of “Runaway from Stability”. Why? If you could answer that for me and fix me, you would probably be a millionaire and sell lots of books on it. And speaking of books, my shelves are littered with self-help books that only exist to make you think that I read them, but I don’t… I collect literature that fuels my fantasy that there is nothing wrong with me.

I can dig deep down and do the years of therapy for you and blame my father that never wanted me in his life, who constantly let me down... I can blame the fact I am a serial dater due to walking away time and time again... I can blame my mother, who by the way shares the same fear I do, and you could say the apple falls right next to the **** tree. (Love you so much, mom)... You could blame the men (more like “boys”) that promised me the world and broke my heart after all I saw was them in my future.

Yeah, sure the list goes on with who I could “blame”. But the problem still exists that I can’t change, I can’t get attached, I can’t get hurt. Yeah yeah yeah…. Can’t means you won’t, but maybe that is it. Maybe I won’t budge. Maybe I absolutely won't stick it out despite all the right words I know I need to consistently hear.

And you come along, you’re sweet, you’re understanding, you’re that list my best friend told me to make of qualities we've all made throughout our lives after each heartbreak, after each "I am done dating" of qualifications a man must have before you date them.

And you know what?... I like you... So much, I could even say every ounce of me has fallen for you. But that my inner fear comes up like ***** and that's it! There is no chance holding it down…

I don’t think I can ever be the girl with hearts in her eyes that doodles your name all over my notes at work. No, I won’t be… I used to be that girl that was lovesick with an unrealistic crush on someone.

That little girl won’t come back. I miss her, but she’s not there...

Yeah, I am sure you’ve Googled all the articles that tell you how to deal with a “Commitment Phobic Girlfriend” and yeah, I’ve read them too which spiral my mind out of control how to fix myself. My friends all say the same thing, “You’ve got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else Bri!” ---insert eye roll--- So far that’s all I got because this really doesn’t make me happy, and maybe that’s it?

Life keeps crumpling me up and spitting me out and I deem myself a pool of chaos, that I am not really wanted if people knew the truth of how broken I am inside, how much I don’t respect myself anymore because of my commitment-phobia-self-proclaimed-title…

I don’t know why I chose to write this article, maybe because I am not the only one? A cry for help? The attention YOU THINK I am wanting... Ha, no...

At least I can hope I am not the only one who struggles with this battle, and I am sure I am not... But why? Why is it that way?

(Heck, maybe a therapist wouldn’t be a bad idea at this point. YAY! Progress! ---insert another eye roll---)

I do know this, despite everything, I have learned the true meaning of love, (Crazy right?!) Because some of you I have run away from, love me, and always will... You've shown it, you've proven it even. And yet STILL, I believe in my heart I am truly unlovable.

To my friends who know the phobia, the constant relationship hopping, you all love me still, and that's hard for me to wrap my head around. You all are my rock, I love you all so very much. And thank you, thank you for not giving up on me in my train-wreck of a life because I could never do this without you.

I wish I could be
Someone new, to forget you
Too good to be true?

You've stolen my heart.
It's no longer mine.

Where have you been all of this time..?

As our lives begin to change, I hope our hearts remain the same.

Until our lips can touch,
Please remember that I love you this much.

Distance isn't forever.
But will my soul forget?
For you love,
The answer is, never...

Her heart only has so much room
So many moved in and moved on through

Leaving stains that bruised.

She does her best to clean the rooms
But feels ashamed she had to move on too.

She's afraid to re-open the wounds
What if they can't handle what she's been through?

What can her poor heart do?

Once alone, my thoughts come home
And they were driven here by you..

I can't think straight, you've sealed their fate.
I don't know if I can let you through..

She's restless...

She beats only for the sake of her lungs..

Yet again, it comes to this...
Defeat.
A battle she knew she'd lose.
Another memory to bury

Each thought escaping
Lingers just enough to get her to sink.

When will his drug leave her veins.
How long this time til she's clean of this..

Yet again..

My soul is tired...

Grasping at a goal so unattainable

Leave it to the mind to whisper lies so sweet even my heart believes them.

What's real. What's fake?

The love triangle of my being is at war with another.

Is there any hope to argue?

Love that kills is a cruel game.

When we're apart once the sun goes to sleep
Take a look up at the moon with me

Whisper under your breath "I love you"
As I long of saying "I love you too"

Look up at the moon with me
Alone we won't be
See what I see
To be with me.

Taking my heart when we glance up to the moon at the same moment in time
Ungluing parts of my life I can no longer call mine

Look up at the moon with me so we can fall asleep...

I gaze up at these stars
Are you looking too?
They make me think of you...

I remember the warmness of you playing against the coolness of the grass dewed

Air so cooled, I watched your puffs of breath get taken away by me

I swear I felt your heart beat shake the ground we layed upon

Was it your scent that intoxicated me?
Or that crisp air spinning my head around

Or was it my thoughts.... Of you?

Those stars scarred the inward parts of me
Burned the memory on me...

                                                           Of you...

I can't help but be me...
The hearts I take & break. The pain will never go away.

Losing them in the choices I make.

I am one with them
My soul within these mountains
Don't take me away

I long between that heart & this one inside
fewer miles, fewer roads & a lot less time.

Connected under the dark night sky
when your eyes gaze up along with mine.

The smiles I'll never see, all those smiles caused by me....

Please hold onto this hope
when these nights get too long.

As  your worth to me rises
the more I start to fall

I couldn't stop tomorrow
believe me I gave it a try
turns out all those moments, are what made time go by.

As I took it all in
the voice inside
fell silenced, content, but extremely alive.

I didn't get enough time within those deep blue eyes
engaging me to want the pleasure of calling them mine.

I'd walk all those miles if it meant I were to see you tonight.
It may aid this determined desire just to stand by your side.

In your arms, my heart must have stayed
because in your arms is where I wish to lay.

I still feel the permanence of your kiss on my lips
I beg that I feel that kiss until the next one I get.

If all I feel is real, can I ask you this one time...?
To keep me within your heart, within your mind
Until our goodbyes turn into only goodnights...

Mirror, mirror on this wall, I’ll remember you as you fall.

In slow motion you crumble, you stood so strong.
Keeping all records of their wrongs, but why?
Your burden was what you reflected, what you surround.
You fell in the open, but no one heard a sound.

Discouraged and misplaced, you shattered
All of your pieces scattered.

Broke apart to create a work of art

This reoccurring nightmare overrules me deep in sleep
Won’t wake me from my slumber,
Imprisons me in this keep


I try to run, I try to scream.
This is my certainty
Stuck in this bad dream


There, all about me are these stone cold walls
Over-protecting, so suspicious, untrusting …
They guard my soul.
Asking why are they so **** tall.


Restricting my heart I’m bound.
Powerless, I trail this authority
What hope is there now?


I pray in this frigid nightmare for the strength that I won’t break
Eager to be released from this lonely place
I’ll lie right here. My sanity they can’t take.

they
say when
it rains, it pours
yet these streets look
pretty dry to me. is this a
mask? or is this really me i see?

Can I interrupt time, put it at a standstill? Never let it go?
I want to hold these moments
Sealed within my heart


With you.  


To capture your details, keep them by my side
Savor every second while I’m next to you


At night.

Don't get me to fall
When you're not there to catch me
The fall is cruel

Where is that girl...
That unscripted being?
She takes heart in her every step.
She isn't afraid to live...
But where did she go?
She's right in front of me, but unaware.
She's left her soul...
Her soul is dead..

I break down in the intensity of your eyes.
Your smile allows my heart to fly.
Take me away.
Mean what you say.
I'm not in this for the game...

If you want me here,
Please tell me dear
Or I will be gone soon...

If you gave your word away,
I can not stay

My pain won't subside
So please allow these tears to dry...

I wake to see this smile placed perfectly on my face
Those eyes. Your stare pursue my dreams into the night
I can't help but grace my chest where my heart can't erase.
Rid of these thoughts. Your words pulling me into your world.
I'm just another girl.

You walk among these song notes and beats that sync with my heart
Nothing will drive us apart.

I wish for only my lips to touch yours to feel the warmth of grasp
I'll ask.

Unfamiliar with your walk
We still talk
To end our phrases with a goodnight
Which still does not feel right

Embrace my soul
But don't let go
I'll seek you for miles
For you to meet this smile.

Relax upon this chilled rock.
Gaze between sun-touched forget-me-knots
Simple complexity routinely ignored.
Just as the sounds of surrounding spring breeze is looked over.
The yellow buttery center melts into sky colored petals, spiked with sassy white.
Small and insignificant standing alone, nonetheless confidence takes a hold in its’ bunches.
Beauty strikes the eye of imagination
In simplicity the smiles of appreciation break free.
These little things that break our reddening madness are the little things that move us to skip a beat.

Sleeping pills, come fade with me still
Just take it all away..

This beating heart has been broken from the start
It spills in the ink I lay...

Come please fade with me now, turn my world upside-down
Turn this light into black..

Now that I dance with the stars, you show me who you are and it's all much too late...

Sleeping pills, come fade with me still..
You took it all away..

So tired of the back and fourth
To many thoughts I need to sort.
I stray here wandering lost.
My heart won't let go no matter what the cost.
I love your presence.
Hate your lies.
This is the last time.
Last chance.
Prove my doubts are truly taking a wrong glance.
I won't let you play me for a fool.
I no longer can stand being so confused.
Be real.
Be you.
But at the end of the day don't let me say we are through.

I want to fall, and know that you are near, to catch the pieces and make me complete…
I dream to gaze up at the sky only once!
…To wish for someone like you… To worry not, for you are mine…
I wonder if you’ll see me soon… or will this wait always weigh upon my heart…
I hope for my pain to end, but my heart wishes you, can you let it go?
Sometimes words cannot describe the way you make me feel…

The threads of my heart have all been pulled apart and passed through the breeze you brought with your wrath of deceit…
Like feathers thrown in the air, falling, becoming part of the scenery spread like wildfire over and over, the things that were meant never to be heard part from your ears alone…  
Sad how cold one person can make a room that is filled with the warm souls of those surrounding…
When I run away the scars you left are just as painful as if you were standing in my way,
Can’t you see?! Why it is so hard to see… this is what you’ve done to me...
Demanding to sleep when the pillow is stained with tears is like battling to walk a tight rope along a circus of screaming people.

In the little that is done, your words can be the key.
To open up my weary heart, just to set me free.
Your eyes look right through my soul shining back in my smile

Fly away little bird; your broken wings still remain beautiful.

Me, is not a word unknown
Me, is what I am,
Me is what I will always be…
I love
I cry,
I hurt,
I try….
So many things I wish I could say
So many things that cant be given all away…
I’m me, I can, I’ll try, but might not achieve
Accept me for me, and them for them
I just search and fail to find
What’s really deep inside…
My true identity


Me…. Miraculous, Extravagant
              ~Bri~