Fighting to stay afloat
Fighting to get a grip
Fighting to stop and catch a breath
Fighting to be me
Fighting to stay alive
Fighting to love
And
Fighting for love

I am fighting for everything in my entire existence and it can't be helped
Because no one sees me
No one understands me
I'm just fighting to be me

**** or ****?
English or Swedish?
It doesn't matter

****
A person who sleeps around looking for love. Their body is no longer their own.

I no longer have love of my own. No one cares for me except for what I can provide for them. Sleeping around looking for love. Yet I get no gratification besides the others reaction. I hate myself for not having a *** drive.

****
End. The finale. Nothing left. All used up.

I am a hollow shell. There is nothing but sadness and hurt left. I'm all used up with nothing to give. The trash of humanity.

**** or ****,
It doesn't matter
They are both me

Gray
Black
Depression strikes

Black
Blue
Nursing my wounds

Blue
Yellow
Pink
A flag of support

Pink
Purple
Colors of my past

Purple
Blue
A transition in progress

Blue
Black
The pain won't leave

Black
Gray
A blanket of sadness

Gray
A muddled state of being

Everything swirled together
Everything separate
Everything me

I'm slipping
I'm falling

I can't keep it together
My seems are coming undone

My fat hangs off me in rolls
Don't eat
Don't you ******* eat

Look at your body
You are ugly and pathetic
Look at your uneven tan
You have fat *** thighs
Your body is disproportionate

Look at you genitilia
Just look at them
Look how wrong they are
They don't fit you
You are such a failure that your own body can't stand you

Let the self hate build up
Let the dysphoria overwhelm you
Let Ana whispering in your ear be heard
You owe yourself this much

You deserve every last bit

Past sliping
Past falling
You are done

It's the voice in the back of your head
It's the feeling of yourself in the shower
It's the clothes that line your curves to well
It's the stare of all those around you

It's the screaming of the wind
It's the force if the tornado
It's the hail from the cold skies
It's the wave of the tsunami
It's everything crashing down on you at once

It is hell's demons here to plague you personally

Imagining his voice,
his scent,
the way he would cup my face,
his control.

Reliving the ****
reliving the abuse

Hating myself
I did this
I should have left

A year ago
it hurts

Don't talk about it
it never happened

Scared
comming out

I was ***** and abused by my boyfriend
said he loved me

used me and threw me out for the next

took my virginity
my innocence
my body

held onto my mind
he dosen't let go

his face haunts me every day,
moving to the otherside of the world and he stays put in me

Hating myself for being *******

Silent eyes
Judging stares
Don't they know what I'm going through?

No, they will never understand.
They can't experience the suffering I go through on a daily basis.

Their glares pierce through my soul though.
Like I can control this hell I'm stuck in.
Clawing at the walls,
Leaving my fingers ******.

A judged fool
That is all
Silent eyes

Louder
The music has to go louder

Loud isn't loud enough

I need their screams to wash out the voices on my head

I need the screeches to cover the burning of my soul

It's not enough
It's never enough
It'll never be enough

I can still hear myself
I don't want to hear myself

My soul eats at me
I need my mind to be overpowered

It can't get loud enough
Nothing covers the burning inside
Each though is a shard knife digging through my mind

Paranoid schizophrenic
Borderline
Bipolar
Depressed
OCD
Anxiety

I am not a human
I am a list of problems
And therefore I must leave

You were so beautiful as a baby

So beautiful

As a baby

As a baby you were so beautiful

You were the most beautiful baby

The most beautiful baby

B
E
A
U
T
I
F
U
L

B
A
B
Y

I was beautiful as a baby







Am I not beautiful now?

Look down
Don't let them see

Look away
That tear can't be noticed

Turn away
They can't see the marks

Look down
Don't show your emotions

Look away
You are nothing
Nothing to them

Tick tock
Time is running out
What are you doing you worthless ****?

Tick tock
Goes the clock
Invading your dreams

Tick tock
No time left
Your failours are done and complete

Tick tock
Tick tock
TICK TOCK

The rythem burning through my mind

Tick ******* tock
Your time is over

Black
Opal
Coal
Charcoal
Midnight
My soul consumed
The horror of my past has caught up with me
I'm consumed by the ember flame
Every part dying
Withering away
Nothing left
Its a cold ground
Where I sit
Everything aches
No one knows
No one can know,
Not what I have become,
A monster inside
My world is nothing
Everything has faded away
Shades of black
Who knew that's all that would be left of me.
Strangely I laugh at this
Nothing can stop me now
For I have become a monster

Beauty was fake
Now it's death

One moment of sleep that's all I need
Life throws me against the wall
Full of thoughts
Keeping me up
I have cuts and bruises
From life's battles
One moment of sleep
That's all I ask

She dances through my mind
Every thought
Every hope
Every glimmer

She is there
Dancing in my mind
An angel if perfection
Though she sees herself as a demon

That may be true,
But aren't they too,
Just fallen angels

Every thought
Every hope
Every glimmer
She is there,
There in my mind

I speak to her
Here in my mind,
Soft lullabies
And loving stories
To the girl who saved my life

Dancing through my mind,
In all her glorious perfection
All the time.
But I don't mind
When she dances through my mind.

Everyone expects greatness
But no one helps me achieving it

New poem in my grasp
Can't get enough
Read it right side up
Read it upside down

Flip the page,
Wait there's more!
Devoring it with greedy eyes
Feed me more!

Heart pounding
Soul packing
Escape from my sorrows
Such a greedy child

No more for you

Its been so long,
Yet I have every curve of her body memorized
The way her head fits perfectly in my neck.
She is a beautiful muse
Dark and powerful
None can compare

Her hips are round and smooth
I just want to wrap my arms around them and gently kiss her neck

The scar on her check faded
I would still kiss it if I could

Her body petit,
Yet full of shape
Perfect to throw on the bed

Timid and shy of our love
I was not
I want more than anything for her to be mine

Her eyes,
A dark brown
Deep,
So deep you get lost in them

Her arms,
Recovering from battles lost against herself

Her thighs,
God her thighs
They are perfectly shaped to wrap around my face
She hates the scars that cover them
I just kiss her and say they are beautiful

She is my match in every which way

Today we are going to do something different
Today you will leave your rooms
Today you will go on a journey to healing

Is that purple?
Yes actually, it represents the mind charkha
A journey inside yourself,
Your third eye

This is a meditation exercise
The room on low light,
Music drifting in the background,
Flowers in water,
Sparkle on the ground,
Covering a purple labyrinth

This is where healing truling takes place
Not locked up,
Being yelled at

Sure I was put with the girls,
This is nothing new to me,
The price of safety,
But this place was different,
Different from the last,
They cared,
Not just about making sure I was still alive, but also that I was /alive/

On this purple floor,
Today,
Sparkles on my hands from where I was on the ground
A grand release into a new place
Gleaming
Thinking
Releasing
Healing

She says 60
I say 200

Beautiful

Waiting

Nothing

Trying again

Spiraling downwards

Pain is building

Torment

When will this end?

I just want to see her

She says 60
I say 200

I just want to tell her once more

One last time to call her mine

Beautiful

Smart

She did it

Did what I couldn't

Longing

Writing

Waiting

She says 60
I say 200

One last time

This is it

Last call

Last cry

I can't take it

Suffering

Loosing

Tears streaming

Blood oozing

I failed like always because
She is the 200
And I can't even make the 60

In a bind
What is that?
A terrible horrible feeling
Right now I look at my chest
There are two B cup horrors right there

In a bind
What is that?
A wave of panic throughout my entire body
A pink shirt
Girl shorts

In a bind
What is that?
Dysphoria so overwhelming that you just want to pass out

In a bind
What is that?
What is that?????
It is not being who I am

But wait didn't you chop off all your hair?

Yes I did
But there is still so much more
I need to do

In a bind
What is that?
Just that
I need that

Head spinning
Heart pounding
What is this feeling?

I want to reach into my chest and rip my heart out.

No more pain.
No more hurt.
No more suffering.

The abuse would slip away.

The scars wouldn't sting anymore.

My heart won't pound with pain.

Everything will be quite.
Everything will be still.

Nothing will hurt.
It will all be alright.

Heart pounding.
Head spinning.
What is this feeling?

The truth about love
Is that there is no truth
Love is a chemical imbalance in the head
It doesn't last and always leaves depression in it's wake

I sit on the bench
Staring into nothingness
The music, all the way up
Others call it noise
I call it love
There is no more
But the memories
Laying on the floor laughing
Horror images dance across the screen
Secret kisses in the bedroom floor
Nothing tops the beauty of her smile
Her laugh is rare
But oh so wonderful
Chiming bells
Torn back to reality as the school fills
I sigh as her image fades from my mind once more

It won't ever end
Will it?
Pain is me
Not anything else
Just pain
It doesn't end
Pain of failure
Of not being good enough
Pain of loosing
Loosing everything
It comes out in red
That is the pain I like
It is a bright spot in the black
Pain of love
Of never seeing her again
Nothing ends
A downward spiral
Drowning
Chocking
Remembering
Remembering when she was mine
Everything is pain
Words that cut deeper into my skin than I ever could
Pain of listening to skinny puppy
Pain of living
Will death be pain as well?

Every time it is the same
Listening to the sound of her answering machine
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE FOR-
And then the moment of bliss-
Kaylie White
Her voice, just two little words
But they are all I get
I long for her day in and day out

Nothing ever changes
Unanswered messages on social media
I see she is active, responding to others, but I am left in the dark
Wondering what the hell went wrong

A sad normality
Unanswered texts
Pilling up on one another

I'm so lonely and lost without her

What it feels like to od

Your mind is screaming, fingers fumbling
You poor down the pills
Throat burning, but all you can think about is pooring down more

***** covers your body
Everything shaking, spinning, darking

You lose focus on everything but the white, red, and blue pills
almost patriotic

The ***** dosen't stop
you try to keep it down, but it burns it way up and out
Soon whole pills come up
this just makes you more determined to swallow more

You just want it to end, no  matter the pain
Hearing gunshots out your window, wishing it was you

Layng there, weak, covered in your own *****
then suddenly dog barking EMTs running through the house shining a Flash light in your face,
Screaming "what did you take!"
blank stare, mind too foggy
again "what did you take!"

mind reeling, stomach lurching, vomiting
screaming again
"Into the bag. ***** into to the bag, we need to analize it"

****** into and amulance
you're too young, you're too young, you're too...
**black out

Dear mother,
You say you feel hurt by what I have done.
You say that my issues are affecting you.
But dear mother,
Do you not know where these issues come from?
I think you do, but your ego is too high for you to climb off it.
Dear mother
You say you love me,
But then you never show me.
I get guilt trips and tounge lashings.
You control every aspect of who I am.
You say I'm not valid.
You reject my love,
No matter how I explain it.
The things you make me do to make myself fit into your smal margine of "exceptable" make me sick to the stomach.
Dear mother,
Don't you know that when you get in my face about how I'm a girl and that's just the way it is and it won't ever change, just because I said I'm not a girly girl
Don't you know how much that ******* hurts?
You tear apart every aspect of myself and then wonder why I'm not perfectly put together.
Dear mother
When you get mad at me for being me. You're not keeping a daughter, you lost her long ago but you were too busy with yourself to notice.
But now you're not gaining a new child in her place.
You made sure if that.
Dear mother
Why do I try and do things my way?
I don't know, maybe because you abondond us and I had to fill your shoes.
I grew up by the age of 12.
I have had enough time to learn how things work for me, yet you insist on your way only.
And I'm a failure if I do it any way but yours.
Dear mother
You say you know everything about me.
But do you know about the nights spent crying,
The lunches spent hiding,
Or my head throbbing?
Do you know how dysphoria racks through my entire being, killing me a bit more everyday.
How about the things I write, or the thoughts in my mind slyly trying to turn me to their side.
Dear mother
Do you know that wasn't my only try?
That was only the one that would have worked.
I tried to reach out but you only swept me under the rug and then stomped on it.
Dear mother
I am aware of my chance at a new start in Sweden,
But dear mother do you realize you are the one stopping me from that.

No letters
Or words
Or phrases

No lines
Or stanzas
Or sections

No this is not a poem
Or a mindless rant
Error 404
Nothing here

A nauseous feeling in my stomach
A trip to the bathroom tells me more than I need to know
A blood stain in the toilet bowl
Get up
Get a ******
Lean over,
Throw up

Why?
Because this isn't who I am
Just a daily reminder of the word "female"
Female this
And
Female that
Female
Female
Female
♀

But what if there is more to it?

I know a girl made out of rose petals
she has words seared into her
her heart pricked with thorns
fingers trace her skin, soft, delicate petals
it crumples and falls away, reveling a cold void underneath where she has been hurt too often;
the coldness seeps out;
the words roar to life, consume her
she falls away, gone to the wind.

The sun has set
So has my soul

In a land faraway,
Filled with nightmares and tear streaks

It lays in the bottom of a pit,
Abandoned

I once tried to retrieve it,
Now I have scars on my arms and hips

Once a friend sought after it,
Only to get lost in the darkness and never return

But then once a girl got it
She was the girl with the wolf eyes

She climbed into the pit, my hand in hers,
Slowly she picked it up
And pulled us both out

She cradled it in her arms
And nursed it back to health, just as I had hers

We lived happily souls together,
Patching each others as we went along

Then one night she decided to take my soul and throw it back,
Slicing, tearing, ripping bruising,
Back into the deep dark pit

She simply disappeared into the night,
Never to be heard from again

I can't help but wonder what happend to her and her soul

Laying all alone
Wrapped in a blanket
A blanket is all
All alone
No one to hold me,
But my own two hands
They caress my naked skin
I shiver
And the lonlyness consumes every inch of my flesh

Contradictions fly through the air around me
Should I keep holding out?
What about the wreck of a life I've made for myself here?
Where do I go?
No one is here for me anymore

All alone
Abondond
Neglected
Abused
Thrown out into the gutters of life

Hated
Spat upon
Lost
Forsaken
Left all for dead

She has always been the love of my life
I've waited
I've held out
I've tried to do what's best for her

Yet I've fucken shattered inside
Nothing in me can hold it in anymore
Every last drop is gone

I think its time.I leave this hollow shell

The smell of my own burning flesh curls my nose
I clinch my fist as I try not to scream
I lift up only to push the hot iron back down on my skin
The burns don't show on my dark skin for that I am greatful
But the pain inside is so deep, my heart so torn
This is not enough, it will never be enough
I grab the stolen blade and piece it through my skin
At first nothing, but then the blood slowly peeks through the cuts.

I want to cry
I want to scream
But there is nothing left in me to let out but my own blood
So I keep pressing the knife to my skin
Until the pain has passed

I quietly turn on the shower and rinse myself off
The water changes color with my stain
Then quickly goes clear

I wash up then hide the new damage
I'm back to my old daily struggle

The tears of a final farewell are the saddest of them all.

The emptiness inside carves into my soul
The darkness eats away into the depths of my mind
The cavern that has become me shakes with earthquakes
The hollowness of my eyes reflect my brokenness
The churning of my stomach turns me into knots
My soul is blackness
I'm am emptiness

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who scream into their pillows at night, cuz **** it! No one listens

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who have forgotten what trust is, cuz **** it! No one cares

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who spend all night listening to songs that remind them of theirsituation, cuz **** it! No one understands

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who occupy all their time thinking about that one person, cuz **** it! They'll never be hers

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who put on a face every day, cuz **** it! No one can handle who they are

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who push through every day, cuz **** it! No one makes it better, cuz **** it! They keep trying, but **** it! The rainbow won't appear and life doesn't become happy again....

Real girls
Strong girls

**** THAT!!!!!

I ain't real and I ain't strong!

Mother knows
Stranger in my bedroom
Please don't touch me

"Oh but I already have"

Mommy don't leave me
It hurts
Don't want to be touched there

"You mean like this?"

No stop
I cry
He will be back

Face smothered
Can't breathe
Please don't **** me

Be thankful
No one else could love you
Look at you pathetic mess

Please not again

Face in pillow
Hand on my throat
Knife near by

Heart pounding
Mouth dry
Tears streaming

I said no
Please stop
Don't hurt me

Hard thrusts
Body bleeding
I cant sleep

One poem a day
That is all you said
Yet on the hospital bed
Doctors running frantically
People crying
Consciousness slipping
Don't close the door
Baker act

Poetry,
That wasn't even a thought

Home now
Everything back
Comfort of my room,
Yet the reminder of all the pain

What is it like to face off with death alone for 8 hours and then taken away in a cold, gray ambulance?

It is an experience that will never go untold
Etched into my soul

That is why one poem a day ceased,
They day I was sent away,
My whole life changing

I look across the table
He is sitting there, smiling,
Laughing even
He takes my baby's hand in his, eyes filled with wonder
I try not to flinch when he touches me
But his touch burns like a firey coal
My insides are bursting
Yet my outside is a smiling shell
This is my baby's day
Its his day with his father
They try and get me to play with them
I follow on auto drive
Blocking out the pain of the memories
What of your life at home? He asks
Tears well up in my eyes
I look away, he can't see the pain
He can't see the abuse
I say that my mum is crazy as usual, but it's nothing I can't handle
I didn't do it, he sees it
He tries to get me to spit it out
Not in front of our baby!
We drop him off at home then he let's me in the car again
I'm not a taxi driver he tells me
I don't care
I'm done facing him
I break inside
This is the car where we spent so much time in
A year of memories come flooding back
He says I'm lying,
I know it's true
But I can't tell him of the abuse
We are at my house now
He gets out of the car
I'm confused
Wasn't he just going to drop me off?
He walks me to the door and tries to get a hug
Everything inside me is shattered.
I just shake my head
Run inside and cry
What happened to us?

Everywhere I look I see it
In the glint of your eye
From the corner of my eye, dancing around the corner
Through the looking glass and behind the mirror

Everywhere I go it lingers
Always on my mind
I may try to flee,
Or attempt to run.
Yet I can not escape it.
The vast hole inside of me.

I try to ignore it.
Really I do.
But when that hole is so oddly shaped that only one thing can fit,
All I can do is watch.

It is everywhere I look
It is in
A reflection in the pond,
The glare of the sun,
The pooling of my tears,

A void of nothingness
Longed to be filled.

I am nothing now
I have worn my battle scars
My trunk is chared from years of burns
There are scars through and through
Covering the vastness of my wood
Aged and withered
Struggling to survive
New leaves bud out
A sign of hope
But I'm blackened to my roots
Once natural and whole
Now striving for social perfection
I have lost it all
The children can no longer play in my beaches
They are too frail
No longer do artists sit under me and draw
For I am a failour, too ugly to be seen
I am worthy of nothing but to be burnt
                  Again

I can physically feel the depression. Covering my skin, seeping into my bones, becoming one with my soul. It is so bad it hurts, every step I take, every smile I fake. A cut deeper and deeper. I'm falling apart again. I just passed one month from my latest suicide attempt, and yet that fights to be the top of my thoughts. Blood running down my thighs, hips, and arms. Pills knocked to the ground as I try and swallow more. The homemade noose beside me. All fighting for my attention again when all I want is the girl with red hair and enchanting eyes. I'm fighting to break loose. I'm fighting to break free, but my fighting is failing. Help I'm drowning.

beautiful
deep
purtruding
marks
****
pain
past
anguish
memories
r­oadmaps
bodies
skin
human

When all You want to do is die all you can do is cry.

Slash slash
Knife in hand
Slash slash
Thoughts in head
Slash slash
Skin red
Slash slash
Wake up dead

The rain kisses my lips as I look into the sky
The clouds blanket me
And the stars smile for me
They care for me when no one else does.
I sigh as I gaze into the vast darkness of the night
I can't contain it anymore
A scream erupts from my lungs and tears through the fabric of night

Collapsed on the ground now I cry myself to sleep
A hollow shell

At what point does a ramble become poetry?

When is a poem no longer poetry?

Peeking out of the darkness
Hidden for so long
Fleeing
Running
Always escaping
Always alone
Longing for connection
Peeking, is anyone there?
Moving
Swirling
The darkness flows with me
Can you see it?
Can you see me peeking through the darkness?