Your beauty hides, it's true
'Til after most harrowing moment
Then close and real and sincere
You step forwards
Full of grace and calm.

Please stay true to yourself
Your true true self that is
Don't give in to easy temptation:
A magic potion quick fix

Underneath feelings rile and strangle
Turn stale and fester
Let them out
    Let it out
In song or poem or husky roar
Feel it fully to heal it more.

Somewhere deep down I know you
Somewhere you know me too
Connections made will not be lost
Even with time and space

Please remember I truly care
And others love you the same
Reach out, open up
To connect more truly
In empathy, they long to listen

Your beauty hides it's true
But we all know it's there
Don't lament of weak spirit
Rise up oh inner strength
Embrace the nature inside

One day we will meet again
As friends
Our connections will be renewed
With music and laughter and bananagram
'Til then tears must be shed
With happiness as well as sorrow

Thank you for the teachings and learnings

Thank you for being a part of my journey

Thank you for the growth I now hold

When Autumn colours your faded embrace
Leaves paper dry as your skin
When eyes peep from bags of flesh
See not what's in front of them
Will you look back and remember me then?
Will your heart fill with love and regret?
Cos you're blinded now by your fear and your guilt
You threaten to lose and reject
And someone wise once told me its not about blood but the love that we share
And I know my tie to you may be lost: there's no holding onto what is not there
And I know you can't see it all clearly but that does not mean that it is all false
I wish you would look in for the truth is in our, it's in our souls
When my Spring blossoms a gift
Birds and bees sending forth sweet song
When a glow from within enlightens
Would we still not have righted this wrong?
Will they ask where you have gone now?
Will my words speak of love and of sorrow?
Cos I'd be missing you then
You're someone they'd want to know
And someone wise once told me its not about blood but the love that we share
And I know my tie to you may be lost: there's no holding onto what is not there
And I know you can't see it all clearly but that does not mean that it is all false
I wish you would look in for the truth is in our, it's in our souls
-- it's not about blood but the love that we share
-- it's not about blood but the love that we share

I'd like to say
"I'm only human"
And plead vulnerability
Let my strength fall

But I am made of a wick of light
That burns strong and bright
I have angels guarding me
Uplifting me

I have chosen this journey
And my anger burns searing white
With vision
With clarity

Enemies beware
Though you are simply fallen
Unaware of the bright wick inside
And I will uphold my worth

- But with compassion, see, and understanding.
Though I walk in the light,
I am fallen too,
And one day we will rise again.

Stomach claws at flesh and skin
"Out! Let me out!"
-- Rips --
-- Tears --

A smiling **** below ribs
set so happily in place.
Oozes across pale carpet
A trail of scarlet defiance.

To taste the world so intimately
A chore indeed.
World's inherent cruelty
Persuades you to flee.

Ribs,
Ribs hug too tight.
In fear.
They seek protection.

You, you run off.
And I sit in the corner and bleed
With care and love and hope
With sorrow and concern and dismay
With the lack of wrong or right
and the absolute inherent wrongness and rightness
Of all things.
Respect me, please.
I pain. I pain. I pain.

And the fiery haze came down
All must burn
All must burn
Devoured.
Heart drum rears up
Urges forward
HOW DARE YOU
booming through a body
Amplified by bones and skin
Amplified by jaw set, eyes hardened
Hands clenched, soul rising

A challenge has been met.

Ring around the rosy
Pocketful of posy

She towered at the microphone
Heels adding even more height
Deep voice and soul
Filled with mother love
She sang proud

A-tissue a-tissue
We all fall down

Much shorter this time,
Buckled onto wheeled chair
Joy came with her
A smile, a giggle,
Joking joking joking
Then "I've always wanted to play violin"
My fiddle instantly ****** forth
But "Another day, when there are fewer people
To be embarrassed in front of"

fishes in the water
Fishes in the sea
We jump back up with a one - two -

The promised festival arrived,
No more than three days after,
But not her.
She never arrived.
She never arrived anywhere ever again.
---

I yearn for you
Heart quickens
Each throb tugging
The string which binds us
Eyes search deep
Forehead to forehead
Nose-tips kissing
Soul knowing
Unfurling more each day
This deep yearning
This calm overwhelming
This whole we have made for ourselves
From two broken souls

And as we mend our own
As we mend each others
Your shoulder and chest become my turtle shell
My busker's chair
Your head crowns mine
Arms pull me tight and close:

Home.

Once upon a time
There was a little island
And it wasn't a person
Because this has a happy ending

There wasn't a tsunami
And we weren't all drowned
The sun dried the land
- But not too much, there was still rain

Once upon a time
Which goes on forever
We are still young
And the world holds a promise: of joy, of splendour

Our hearts weren't torn
Our souls weren't broken
We hold hands with acceptance
Because somewhere there must be a happy ending

Scandalous is a person
A detail the dictionary forgot
They didn't have the joy of knowing you
They never will.

You left the same way you entered:
Inexplicably
Your enthusiasm caught us along
Spontaneously reckless

Always just around the corner
Cackling, head thrown back
Shocking me into hilarity
And now you're....
Elsewhere.

Oh goofy
Oh who's going to play beanie babies now?
The horses and ponies are missing from our field
The irises are blooming wild
Purple owls growl at me in the night time
All these displaced riders
Muttering "where is my niche?" over and over
As we spin
Fantails pecking at our insides.

The doorway was too small for the coffin
You would have laughed uproariously
We giggled, breaking the tension.
They removed the door,
Replacing it after.

Please shock me:
Sit up,
Hold my hand,
Something!
But you've turned to stone
And my doorway is too small
There's too much to let out
It all pushes at once
And nothing can get through
So I slowly remove my own hinges
And try to carry on.

"You need to let yourself lose some sometimes"
He stated, perusing the chess board.
'There must be a way to save them all'
I had thought,
As though it were God's logic puzzle
And I was going for bonus points.

And now I see
Vulnerability is just one of the pieces
There is happiness in sorrow,
In loss, misfortune;
My high score is simply living.

I could close that door
Sheltered by white
I could dream of the potential

I could knock it off its hinges
Splash a rainbow
Risk the dusty wind howling in
To spoil - to alter -
My masterpiece.

Sometimes we have to dare to live.

Dear diary,
Today I was inspired
See, for me they'd conspired
I've finally got the attention I'd desired!
And it's from that particularly dashingly gorgeously fabulous man!

I'd felt so alone
All I could do was moan
Even though I had a mirror-like clone
See, we weren't all that close except in physicality and proximity.

But now I could scream!
- with joy, I mean.
Oh I've been covered in cream!
Such beautiful, fabulous, marvellous and wonderful involvement as this!

His friends they remark
"Oh, what a lark!"
As we frollick in the park
And I haven't figured it all out, the why, the what,
It's not as if it bothers me one jot,
It's just,... well,
That dashingly gorgeously fabulous man,
They like to call him '******* Stan'.

And the wave is crashing
Oh here comes another
Well, this is no fun at all
To think of it!
That I wouldn't be a sailor.
Oh and again.
Up we go.
Rile me over ocean
Drown me once again.
Is this how it ought to be?
My existence has a purpose -
But only to suffer.
And it crashes!
A downward spiral for sure now
What is this cause?
Oh lofty emotion may the waves take you
And me both
I could do with drowning
I really could
Before another wave hits harder still
Bring me the calm of the depth below

If I could catch
My minds flight
Grind into ink
Splay across paper
If I could hammer it down
Locked still and tight
Would it only show
A desperate moment
A fleeting glimpse
A window
A still life
Missing context
Missing completeness
Missing truth

Snarl of blood and antiseptic
Glint off needles,
Buzz of a drill
I hover in the doorway
Anxious, uncertain

Marked faces, legs, arms
Metallic attachments
Shaved off hair
I stick out
Pure, untouched

Wave of tossing heads
Vibrations uplift
Strangers unified
I am alive
Filled, electrified.

He blends life into still forms
An exchange: green for a frame of darkness
           And,
Other worldly as it may seem,
          This
*Is where he fits

I'm learning that there are different rules for different situations
And sometimes one can be too honest
Because the truth can be a weakness:
The veil may be the only thing left to hold onto

He was guarded and shrewd, holding the world at arms length
And truth was beauty and intrigue
He raised his head, locked it in a steel gaze

He was open and pure, immersed and inseparable
But the truth doubled him over, cutting deep

And how can it be my fault
As unknowingly I weave pain between blood stained hands
And how can it not
When the fragility is theirs: they walk the only path they can see

I'm giving bread to the ceoliacs
Chocolate to the diabetics
Did I think they needed it?

Equal treatment ain't always fair.

It sears red
It sears
Across my chest, bursting through
Charging out into shaky hands
Sharp voice and dark eyes
Deadly, I hope they are, deadly

That people are so cruel
Inhumane
It's beyond my comprehension
That sick pleasure
Sadists.

What's it to you
*******
Were you abused in kitten-hood?
Did it teach you to pounce?
You sharpened your claws
But your teeth are broken

And I am just about ready to snap that little neck

The fog is thick tonight
The fog is thick tonight
The fog is thick tonight

I'm on a different plane
Over a crystal blue sea
- yours is murky green
Yet I know you see diamonds

I died. Back then.
Amidst the chaos.
But I was reborn.

A true self?
Is this what was beneath the rubble?
And now am I a husk?
Or is it that I've been irreparably altered?

There's no knowing - but the fog is thick tonight
And there's some dust in your eye
Concern? Discomfort? Lack of recognition?

I won't burden you much longer
This tiny window you have glimpsed-
You will never revisit.
Oh if only your mind had of melted
Flowed forth and brought me that speck:
Just for the knowing of it.

Perhaps I'm too sincere.
Does it bore you?

God. I need to sleep.

Dear diary,
I'm forever lopsided.
It's as if one side of me has gone to market,
And the other side went all the way home
And the rest of me is all caught in the middle
Torn, divided, uncertain
And somehow this is all set to the smell of roast beaf.

The moon is shining,
Doing its utmost to raise werewolves
Fireflies are stuck up there too
Sometimes they flicker out
They begin to cry
Tears pouring down
And not man nor beast but wind howls now

My little slice of the world's diorama stage
Is full of drama and love and sorrow and beauty
- And here I am
Tasting other people's feelings.
Letting their honey drip and slide
As ecstasy through these veins
Positively high on the depth of these windows
I perve at lives that dance in poetic sentence
But they know the blinds are open
And sometimes, just sometimes,
They catch a glimpse through my own
Hearts full of same excitement
Curiosity
Satisfaction
As they flip through my pages

I feel so far from everyone.
Isolated.
They are unaffected by my pungent aroma.
Perhaps I won't wash.
Then my smell might waft into their lives.
I'd be noticed for once.

Dear diary,
I get trodden on daily.
It makes it hard to get my feet from under me and find solid ground.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to stand on my own two feet at all.

Dr Dr help me help!
Thou who art so skilled
Slice me
Air out my insides
There place the health
Stuff it in
As much as you can find
Or at least a scrap
Please, a scrap
Sewn up I'll bulge
Sparkles lacing taut skin

But they hold it up
Towering above grabbing hands
I slump on the conveyer belt
Through box after box
As DING!
"Healthy"
Each proclaims
And shoves me to the next

I'm clutching at my sides
To hold me together
Sickness seeping through
To reach them
I sway in doorways
Please, who will help me?
Please, someone listen
I'm losing hope,
**please

Redundant sexless girl
Unable to fulfill your biological purpose
The species will not continue
- Not from your *****.
Your womb is dried up
The monthly cleanse broken
Interrupted
Your ovaries cry out-
The rain does not come
The rain does not come
The rain does not come
To wash away the old
Prepare for the
Coiling, growing, emerging
The innocence to be birthed
And spoiled by this world's evil.
Redundant sexless girl
Drained of life-giving blood
Drained of nurturing power
Drained of womanhood
Redundant sexless girl
Barren girl
What use have you?
What purpose?
What right have you to still walk this most fertile Earth?

Pt 1.
These thighs I really hate
See, they have far too much weight
They wobble too much, they're not at all tight
They're not as small as I would have liked

I'm the midriff, and I'm much better
Skinny and toned and shapely
From ***** to hip,
I do look fit!
Them thighs got nothing on me.

Yet what better way to move about
To run and dance to 'twist and shout'
Without them I'd surely lose
Without them I could not move!

Now I ought to see this more clearly
For a long sickness has beset me
And I have been the weakest link
Im holding you back - don't you think?

Pt 2.
Oh stomach you're a constant pain
Though I know you're not truly to blame
But, at its very worst,
I, thighs, have been cursed
I cannot do my duty

Now ruled by your various aches
Oh tummy! - Just let me run for Christ sakes
Such a simple thing to miss
Deprived by your fetid sickness

I'm just trying not to let you stop me
From enjoying life as I ought to be
And I know that we all suffer
From some something
At some time or other

You turn food to energy for me
I can't do anything quite so tricky!
You see each and every part takes its toll:
And each and every part makes up this whole.

My body is a ****** place to be
So come on mind: set me free
I've been everywhere of course
And doctors take a lot of force
"Take this pregnancy test" "it's anxiety"--
I should know, it's my body!
Existence is a strange thing
When body pain becomes your king
Orders "lie down, no don't eat that!"
I'm trying to tame this spoilt brat
Won't you settle down now OH PLEASE!!
I THOUGHT I WAS FINE, you're just a tease.
So, mind, do me a favour
With my body let's sign a waiver
Saying you behave or I'm off elsewhere
Know what, YOU CAN DEGRADE FOR ALL I CARE

The angels of death
Kiss us softly, briefly, each night.
They taste our ripening flesh
Lick their lips
Cackle to one another
Anticipating the final moment
When they may purge their desire
Devour us
Full mouth and tongue

Tonight's round of temptations...
They missed me.

A turtle shrinks into its shell
Then shrivels,
Grape to raisin,
Sun's warning echoing:
"Danger, danger, danger!"
As river moves from mountain to ocean
The golden arc across the sky
Soon is only a faint glow on faraway rock
- Yet it will come again
To shout it's harrowing cry
And shrink and shrivel
And round again, again, again
'Til Kingdom come
      'Til salvation
             'Til death do us unto part

Fog fog fog
Smog smog smog
Am I polluting? Polluter? Polluted?
Same ol' air
Through these lips
To barely ease this choking.
Ragged breath gone stale.

I tried not to let it escape:
Curiosity's hound was too tempting.
It raged in my self built fortress.
So then I was hunting, hunter? Hunted?
But I was dragged after that same scent
Deep in ocean's depth
Thinking only of the shallows.
Hoping for only the shallows.

I'm just trying to unravel
The knots and ties.
Sometimes we need another
To bounce off,
We think.
Sometimes another
Is *another.
Sometimes that's too much.

I wind myself up over, over, over.
Still learning the ropes of this world
But it's a new world.
Yes, and I am an old soul and stuck in other times.
It keeps turning; new world, new world, new...
I'm more than a few turns behind,
Grabbing for the rope
Tied to fisherman's belt.
It dangles after,
Just. Evading. My grasp.

Pt. 1
I am a clumsy giant
Oblivious to worlds below.

Outside, outside is so nice!
Awake, rejuvinate me!
Oh! The beauty!
Even the air is greener,
On the other side here
Oh living our lives indoors
Was an unhappy accident of genius
Oh to spend days with trees and grass!

-- A sudden stab. A pause.
Lifted leg reveals
Buried, ensnared in foot
Handsome bee,
Buzzing for escape
One more wriggle
And it's gone. To die.

Oh! Back we go we go!
To hide from the cruel world!
Away from bees
And wasps and stings
Such mildly inconvenient things.
- And off the bee went to die.


Pt. 2*
Such short lived pain for me
Is death for one of the hive

This wound I lament
Will heal so shortly
Yet its cause
Will surely die

The life the cost
A life is lost!
Yet my pain is all I can see

Hives collapse
Honey ramsacked!
They're fed with sugar tea

Pesticidal pollen
Oh ain't disease rotten!
The strife of the honey bee.

I am a clumsy giant...

Buried deep within teenage romance
And wit and strife and philosophical musings and --

He'd nudged my foot,
His face is a gorgeous grin over these pages.
I glance back to them.

The love interest rose up now
Handsome and beautiful
Charming, clever, humorous, and deep
(But did he have to be oh so middle class American??
And did she? Or I, first person as it is?) --

He's started to stroke my toes now,
Gently, just how I like it.
I'm not kidding when I say
"If you touch my feet I'll fall in love with you"
It's almost instantaneous.

A heroic act of selfless love:
Amsterdam snows confetti
Virginities are lost or traded or gifted
Heroes are demoted --

He kisses my head now,
My cheek, my temple
Interrupts with a story,
Hilarious I am sure
"What was that? Sorry, I'm distracted"
I giggle
Engrossed in the 'other land'

Love blooms on the wings of angels
(And all those other cliches)
He is perfect, yet flawed, as they all are.
As we all are.
They click and rebound and discuss
They laugh, they cry:
They try to fill a part of themselves with
The Other --

I glance up, spying on my own lover
His soft glance on the laptop
Beautiful lips
Gorgeous style
Our own joking, rebounding, enthused exchanges.
Our own supporting, caring, deep meaningfuls.
And I'm not jealous. Not of them. Or anyone. Not one bit.

Yet tragedy is ever present!
And our handsome and perfect lover
Is tossed into Oblivion:
Or to a Something's Somewhere --

"He's dying!" I cry to beautiful brown eyes
Framed with long wavy black.
The darkness holds amusement and affection.

Their perfect and tragic love is ever more so
For its fleeting 'forever'
Its lessened 'infinity':
Beautiful and fragile --

His arms are around me tight
Why am I affected so?
Too easily invested?
But it's not that.
The emotions are too close.
It had been described so well.
Loss.
So accurate.
And these feelings not completely healed
- But healing. Slowly.
Time heals all wounds,
But maybe some are forgotten, sealed away
This one. This one slowly eases.
Some infinities are larger than others.*
And his love surrounds me
As emotions leak from some deep place
Let out to the Universe
Hopefully to never return.

Cosy, curled up inside
Overwhelmed - and ignorance was bliss
My brain muffled with cotton wool.
(This is how you found me)
When the edges inclined inwards it was worse.
I could feel it in its entirety then.
I'm trying to work through;
Let it ebb away ~
There is a sadness deep in my core,
Always.
Surely someday I will hollow out?

Oh, it's what you do to me

A thousand rain drops
As this cloud burst
The dam is cracking
Splitting
Lacing up; their own little maze
Jagged and raw

And what colour am I stained?

There is no scar
- You didn't give me any time to heal
Scratch and scratch and scratch
Coagulate blood - no don't!
Gouge it out once more.
Gouge *at me.
Never to form a scar.

Was I ever enough?
Were we ever enough?
I mean, reason enough?
But you don't see the blood
And we've learnt to hide the tears.
Maybe back in the realms of somewhere
Ignored shadows whisper guilt
Whisper truth

You're drunk.
How can you stand the silence?
Isn't that when they scream?
You're drunk
And I'm sick of living this same nightmare.

The tears leak out
Even though I don’t want them to.
They pour down my cheeks
Rivers of pain
Is it worth being upset over?
I don’t even know
I never know.
I’m stressed or tired
Or maybe both;
Or do I actually have a reason for this sadness?
A reason that makes my sadness reasonable?
You should have a bath, or something, I tell myself
And soak in your own filfth
The sarcastic voice replies. But it’s not funny, this time
The way it usually is.

He glared
Anger and frustration and sorrow
                                                       Brow creased
Against the poverty, the greed, the lust, the manipulation, the absolute fakeness of it all
                                                        Brow­ creased
As if to ward it all away
But it doesn't help
                                                        Brow­ creased
So he lashes out.
                                                    
Blames me, blames her, him, anything, shoves his pain forwards

I catch it. I curl up. Let it escape in tears and sorrow.
                                                        But you can't stand it long.
And I catch it.
                                                        You can't fend it off
And I can't keep catching
                                                        ­You slip
I can't catch you
                                                        You fall
I can't catch you
                                                        You'­re gone.
                                                      
                                                        You're gone

I am left with stale feelings
In this moment set a blaze
How can one make peace with a world so harsh?

He tosses his head side to side in his car seat
Looks to me then
A wail escapes as he throws his face away
Anger? Frustration? Anguish?
"He's crying for all of us"
I muse
"Thank you for crying for all my sorrows"

His dad rattles off the latest news-
Rapes and murders, gangs, he died, she died-
And points out the car accidents
Driving closer to look
"How'd they crash through there?!
He's gone right through the fence!"

He looks at me now
Big blue eyes
And I'm sober
- No silly faces or scruffy toys to offer him this time -
Instead I simply gaze back.
We stay for a while
Serious gazes met
Mine says -
This world is cruel
People do horrible things
We think we're better than everyone else
We slander difference
There is so much pain
So much suffering
You're going to go through a lot
And I'm sorry for that
And I'm sorry for my own hardships
But you will be strong.
You are beautiful
And kind
And intelligent - I can tell already -
And you are strong.
This place is beautiful too,
See that.
Live for that.
His eyes replied:
I know. I see it.
I understand.
Then he tosses his face away.
Overcome,
Voices mingling around me offering nothing but suffering,
I rest my face in my palm.
Then - a light touch on my elbow
I look up
His eyes bear into mine
His hand outstretched
I offer a finger
He clasps it tight
And falls into slumber deep.

I put my feelings in a box
I scatter them across the page

I order them and categorize
Like I used to order stationary
Or split the peas from the carrots
Right before consuming

I try to defrag my brain
Stack the boxes all nice and tidy

But with the filling of each box
Is the finding of more feelings
Littered across the ground
Or, like dust, floating

Hidden cracks and corners:
My mind is a maze
Of feeling, thought, unexplored opinion
Unscrambling is eternal.

Disappearing,
More are disappearing.

It's a bad month for any of this.

Please put down that shard of glass.
You can't hide it with your smiling face.

Through the cracks of life and to the door of death beyond,
Don't disappear on me now.
Such a simple slip.

Because the guilt feels heavy and familiar.
And my mind was so used to it
That I believed I had forgiven myself
Then,
Only just,
Caught a whisper
Of thought ninja-like,
Camouflaged.
They were normal.
That's all.
The thoughts had become normal.

And you are like him.

Is my influence so treacherous?
Do I drive men to such a depth of despair?
I'm not so vain as to think that it's just me;
There is more sorrow and complexity in your existence.
But was I the trigger?

Was I the trigger?

I was the trigger for him.
Logically, the blame should slip away.
He was unstable.
Anything, anyone,
It was going to happen some point.

But
It
Was
Me.

Just open up ground and swallow me whole
Be my Jonah's Whale.

Is my influence so vile?

How can I find a place to stand
When my standing causes such suffering?
I feel myself shrinking into the shadows again

I don't want to cause any trouble
I don't want to cause any bother
I don't want to cause any hassle

Please, just go about your lives
I'm going to close the door now
*I don't want to cause any trouble.

The dictionary was our savior.
We turned to it when straits were dire.
It gave mystical advice.
It absolved responsibility.
Well this time
This time
It told me to jump into the abyss
Disappear into the ether
And tempting as that is
A release
An erasure
A finality
Tempting tempting tempting
I know how much it would mean to you
So I resolve
To only visit temporarily
To make my escape brief
- And return all the more brighter
Refreshed and gleaming
Restrained only by human form
Oh severe mother of mine!
To pin me to this physical form!
And merciful father!
To birth me unto being!
One day I will transcend
But for now
A brief escape will have to do.

I have a right to stand
I'm claiming it now.

Turangawaewae; 'a place to stand'
Is a deep empowerment from the land
Learnt through ancestral connection
Strengthened through ahi ka; 'keeping the fires burning'
Well, my ancestral stories ain't so impressive
There were few battles
Though my granddad worked for the air force in world war two
- As an accountant
We didn't encounter the gods or try to bring down the sun
Though when my Grandma arrived here she built up the soil
Soul of the Earth
For 70 years
As the city sprang up around her
And my mother aged 11 played follow the leader with a goat in the next door construction site
Where her house is now
My uncle found an old mans false teeth in a cup
Climbing through an abandoned house
My aunt visited James K Baxter's Jerusalem
She wasn't a fan of his poetry
But his wisdom spoke to her
My other aunts jumped through the neighbours trees
Who threatened to shoot them
My father followed my mother here
After her O.E with my sister in the oven
He ******* about John Key as much as anyone
And praises this land; it is home.

I stood on a windy cliff surrounded by pohutukawa and learnt the whisper of the sea
Roughing it on an island I tried determinedly to turn into a pukeko
I got my first cut, bruise, scrape from this land
My first breath, poem, touch of a violin, my first kiss was here
I know the rough patches, the fringe scene, where the best soil is
(It's at my grams house)
I know how to spot a drug house, which cafes will let us jam, where the open mics are 5 days of the week.
I know Kirikiriroa.

My fires have been burning
And I have a right to stand
I have learnt through my own evolution
Through Janet Frame's railroad country
Through a history
Cities growing and spreading
They weren't just here
As it has always seemed to me.

The countryside, what was here before?
Landscapes of forest and mountain
Familiar yet unknown to me.

When I go away I will know the difference
When I return I will know this land
The depth recognized through contrast
Defined by difference
As the sun and moon complement
Light and dark
Sorrow and joy
And,
As in yin and yang
I will know nothing is completely separate.

When I go away I will know
So fully
And I will return and say:

This is my place to stand
My turangawaewae
My Aotearoa

"You make me forget all the bad things"
I'm really glad.
I wish I could say the same.
You make the bad bearable.
It's incredible.
I can't tell you how incredible.
Just like I can't fully explain this sickness.

It's physical pain that pulls my mind from the bliss of you
To the darker realms
This multiplying cocophony of symptoms
United to produce
A mystery illness
Undiagnosable
- So far.
It's pain, discomfort, sorrow, and a slow ebbing of hope
- But you, arms shielding me from the world
You, eyes warm and deep with concern
You, somehow with the right words,
When I didn't believe there were any,
You, simply listening,
You give me hope.

To be alone now could be unbearable
That spark becomes inconceivable.

You just keep me hanging on
And that's more than I could have ever asked for.

Thank you
Is not adequate
For the time and energy you have wasted
Cuddling my tears dry
Loving me as the worst of it fades
Til life is a bowl of oranges once more
A still life posed
A fraction of experience
A page of exqusite poetry
Til life is colour and meaning
And depth
Til life is more than just pain splattered red across a page.

I have a vision
Of a future
Bright, joyous,
And the contrast of sorrow
Children skipping, giggling
Darkness and light
Musical notes drifting through
Dramatized passion, hilarity
Nature surrounding
Encapsulated in cobweb of love and support

Unfortuna-mentally
I am at once terrified of settling
- being tied down
Losing independence, individuality
Missing dreams
- at once terrified
And at once yearning
With all of me
For a family
For a dream of forever
To settle and begin such a masterpiece
To commit to
And be certain of
The depth there in
Something more important than me or mine
To dedicate self
Surrender
Sacrifice for
And again such a venture requires a partner
Who shares the dream
Enriches the dream
Supports the dream.

Contradictions, aren't we all?

Or am I just yearning for the erasure of self
Through divine love?

Aah~ maternal instincts!
Life of mine,
Live out the step you're in
Young one
Before you yearn and plan for the next!
So fresh and yet to begin
- Society's great work machine awaits
And the experience of other lands!

Life of mine,
Live the experience of now
Fully
Grow all the more for it
Feel each pain and joy
Clarify mind
Build strength of self
Claim a sense of identity
See where it takes you...

A missed alarm
- A hurried departure
From home to bus to bus
- To craft fair!
All handmade, all ingenious.
And reused items appeal to this sustainability-freak.
"There's not much for your kind here"
But just as I say it we spy a stall
And the goth finds Cthulu,
A skull,
An eye,
A snake with which to adorn himself
Amidst the usual background of 'Oh, he looks like Russell brand'

His cousin was riding.
Riding the plastic spastic twirl-around bull.
"Another turn? Go on, your dad didn't see you!"
She shakes her head, almost shy
But is lifted and hoisted on once more,
Smiling and giggling and kicking away.
The operator has success,
Short-lived;
She jumps right off and back to her father,
Uncles and cousins all grin.

- To cafe!
Entrance a ramp,
The outside already proclaims the spaces brilliance
Narrow hall with piano stating 'closed'
Walls adorned with old newspapers
Light fixtures are bottles
Door handle a coffee grinder
Tables old school desks,
Mismatched chairs and couches and plates;
This sustainability freak is in heaven.
The Goth smiles
"I knew you'd like it"
And even the menu provides
My dietary restrictions no obstacle.
I have a smoothie.
It's amazing.

"Judging from your case I would say you play heavy metal"
I giggle; Incorrect.
"Are you going to play for us?"
The waitress asks
We look at each other; are we?
And after our meal we do;
The radio is turned off in response.
Young children play on my violin
Their parents more concerned than I
"Be careful! It's delicate!"
We serenade the coffee and the tables and the birdie on the wall
We serenade customers and workers and the owner as well
We serenade to perfect
We serenade to give back to this space so beautiful
We serenade half in hope of being asked to perform
Of being paid to perform.
The owner enjoys; the possibility is open.
The workers enjoy; "you made today worth it"
The customers enjoy,
One chucks coins to our guitar case
A suggestion of busking
We drain our complimentary drinks and tip the coins
Wander onwards, sated, and glowing.

- To old acquaintances
Who tell scandalous tales
Of the Goth's little brother
"Tell your folks I look after him...
He's hilarious when he's wasted"
The goth queries
"And when I'm wasted?"
"Oh it makes no difference; you're hilarious sober too!"
It's truth.
No one could argue except the Goth himself;
"I'm glad you have a terrible sense of humour"

- To Opshop, closed.
And then the car,
Family bubbling around us
Excited voices clamour with stories
With news
We arrive in a field of green,
Children swinging on a tyre
An old meeting house is dwarfed
Beside the new, uncompleted
A chair in the sky
Seats white fingers
Coated from work;
Yet his is the best view.
"Uncle... Aunty... Cousin.."
Names drift into the air
I won't catch them.
"This is only a small portion of my family;
You should see the group photo!"

An older man teases
"Get your hair cut!
Oi, why haven't you told your son to cut his hair?!"
And his father expertly replies
"He can do what he likes with his hair"
His mother
"Why haven't you died yours then? It's all grey!"
Smiles spread wide at their cheek.

A bell tolls
Signals the slow meandering;
No urgency
We sit, grass beneath us
Sky above
Trees and field all around.
These three buildings so connected.
The prayer starts,
In foreign tongue
Yet not foreign
- It is the language this land first heard
Aside from sea and bird and sun
An occasional group "ah" in response
Teenagers mock; "aye"
Babies fuss,
Children wriggle
Even adults chatter to one another
Come and go as they please
Informal.
I am wrapped in his love.
And all of their love.
Lying in his arms
With sun warming me,
Love warming me,
I send it back.

And then chairs are moved
The tables to be laid
Inside this time
"Come here, you don't want to do the chores, do you?"
A crafty cousin teaches evasion maneuvers
We kick a ball,
The goth looks almost joyful
The usual "Me, sports? Eww"
Forgotten, or put aside.
Shoes back on now
"Your feet could do with some sunlight"
The cousin protests.

We eat with our hands;
For me there are oranges
And chicken salad
I put ethics aside
To sate hunger.

We swing.
The children are playing elsewhere
We claim the rope as ours.
An upside down ladder?
A missing rung?
There's more air than step.
Together we swing.

"Who do you belong to then?"
Caught off guard
"I belong to myself"
The goth smiles at my assertion
"How'd you get here, who brought you?"
I gesture with my foot
"You're so rude! You didn't even introduce me to your girlfriend! I'm his Aunty, that makes me his, and your Aunty too now."
He clasps my hand
"That's how easy it is in my family"

We serenade once more.
Nervousness closes throat
How to express oneself?
I feel small and shrunken
Push myself to claim space
- I do belong here
The love swells around me
Tall poppy syndrome must be beaten into me;
I'm trying to convince myself
I'm not being overbearing
- They want to hear us.
And they're impressed
"Oh what a beautiful voice"
"They do sound wonderful together"
All laugh as Grandma joins in
"That's Nan trying to out do them"

With Promises to jam next time,
We take the scenic exit,
Past those who have past
Past the past itself
Graves decorated with All Blacks flags,
With decks of cards,
With guitars.
Love. Even here,
Love and celebration.

- To friends
Reiki, a goodbye card, packing and kittens, markets and dinner
- The candles glow was soft,
Too soft for menus.
"I wonder why those baskets are all locked up...
Ha! Basket cases!"
We draw a piece to make Dali proud
And jest of eating candle wax
Bellies hunger.
But foods arrival prevents such oddity.
Eating pizza with knives and forks?
I decline, fingers once more.
Restaurant etiquette is not my style
Mine is puffy to their flat
- The perks of being gluten free?
And we leave them to their dessert.
With much sorrow.
"Thank you for enriching my experience here"
No, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you.

"Goodbye!"
I greet
"Have a wonderful life!"
A different good bye.
And we cry as we hug,
No tears, just noise.
To cheer ourselves.
"Waahhhhh"
We giggle and depart.

Surrounded by darkness
Traffic roars overhead
Rocking support beams
They creak
Pigeons shuffle now and then
A dim light is irresistible death
Beyond the trees ripples fold and swell
And I am here with him.
Our own little patch of night time
Folding and swelling around us.
"Now you're the one keeping us awake"
I cannot argue.
This moments magic is worth tomorrow's tiredness.

One more friend to visit.
She saved us a piece!
Oh dietary constraints!
Cheesecake, for me?
And delish!
Hazelnutty and chocolate!
Nutella like.
We ***** about sudden illness
About food restrictions
About fad diets
Apparently the 20's is when the **** goes down.
Our bodies are complaining now.
Maybe we'll figure out what they're trying to say,
- Eventually.
Speak English, **** you!

- To the tent!
And blessed sleep.
It's technically tomorrow now.
Well, it's today.
"Thank you for touching my feet that time"
I curl up in his arms,
And all the world is golden
This illness raises its angry lil head
And his caring melts me
Thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you for this beautiful most perfect day.
Thank you.

Hurry now, it’s leaving soon
Car door slams, gravel underfoot
And from the boot
Grandmas lil helper is lifted
Oh! Where did it go?
Wind twists scarf to snake
Released from frames captivity
I stoop and tug
Under your foot, Gran
She shuffles,
Ties it firmly around tiny shoulders
Bright colour against delicate skin
Paper thin, both,
One for beauty, one to hold the blood in
And may it hold the blood in,
Just a little longer...

The train awaits,
Monstrous,
Steele stark against surrounding bush.
Matt has a sausage,
Mum bothers about tickets,
Both fuss and fizzle,
I press lips firmly together
Deciding then and there
Never to let entertainment turn to stress;
It’s more than it’s worth.

We’re to be in the engine room,
The rest will be left behind -
As something faulty.
Matt lifts Gran up;
She’s tiny,
She’s flying,
She’s in.
And then we’re all in.
Crammed.
We stare longingly through grimy glass
At empty carriages
Can’t we be in there? It’s all a bit stuffy.

There’s a fire along the track
But we don’t go any further.
The smoke streams out over forest.
And jerking and bumping,
Dipping along,
We reverse back to whence we started.
Petrol fumes and smoke fill our tiny cocoon
Here, let me help you*
Passenger to passenger,
Fellow human,
Compassionate eyes.
Gran has a seat;
She sways while we lurch.

Deep within
Railroad country
I make believe
I know something
Of the girl
Of the Plannies;
That sacred connection
To land and sky,
To Native country,
To Golden Macrocarpa

I stare over hills of tree ferns,
Kawakawa, Wheki, Punga
And, knowing no other,
I feel this land
Majestically
My own.

He called
And his pain spilt across the footpath
A curious shade of red
Anger too.
In front of me,
Surrounding me
Swallowing me
I didn’t mean to hurt you.

She called
And cautiously retreated
“I feel like I’m stuck in the middle”
Throwing an option to dangle in the air
Neither of us caught it.

Too soon?
Not for me. I don’t think so.
But for him. And that’s complicated.
I don’t want to tangle you in this
M-----.
Even your name gives me butterflies.
I don’t want you to feel caught up.
But you are.
And you have an option
You threw it up into the air
And maybe it’s the best one for you
I don’t want this to swallow you too.

I have a chance
Not chance
Opportunity

See, I’m learning to assert self
To claim space
And here is the time
The place
Ah, excitement!

Into my own power
The start of something
That’s what the cards read
Let’s start something!!

The reckless within me is chattering now
Infatuated curiosity peeps
What will happen next?!

Maybe I’m a drama queen
It riles something within me
Oh hit my spot!

Temptation divine
The danger of it all !
Freedom ~
Ah, life.
Ah, me.

Here we go
Abundance galore

Nothing is certain anymore.
I used to know: I miss knowing.
I had decided he was the one.
Forever. For ever. Everlong. Everlast.
But it wasn’t everlasting.
And now?
I’ve lost the partner to my dream.

Begin again. Start once more. All over.
New introductions: new dynamics
It’s all different.
Unsettling.
Exciting – I’m thrown off balance.
Soo much to learn.
What’s beneath the ripply surface?
Open up, prise to sunlight; I must see.
Figure: are you the new ‘one’?

A replacement?
A new dream. A new adventure.
A thousand ways to see the world.
Perspective dominates so much.
I think we come from similar mind
- But unless you speak I cannot be certain.
“What’re you thinking?”
“Mmm… I don’t know”
It’s a gap
Between thought and mouth
- I’ve been there, I’ve felt it.
We need to build a bridge.

‘Put your trust in me, I’m not gonna die alone’
I don’t want to. Not alone.
I need someone to accompany me.
I want a family.
Who?
It feels like time to settle in.
Who?
I’m tired of this game
This uncertainty
Either let me be alone
- Impossible for me, I know:
I ***** too much up when I’m single.
Yet there should be growth there.
- Then let me be with the one.

I know there is no perfection.
But imperfections may compliment.
I know it takes work.
Communication.
Sacrifice.
Energy.
Time.
I know difference must be respected.
I know connection is of most importance
- Or perhaps a close second to support.
And love.

But love grows.
Even arranged marriages fall into love.
Why not choose?
The one with the traits
The dynamic that is desired
Love will come
It always does in the end
So long as resentment does not dominate
The dynamic is soo important!
And the lifestyle
- What am I willing to give up?
What does he desire?  

I’m over this dizzying romance game.
I’m throwing the towel in.
If not him, then someone else close by.
Because I’ve always had too many options.
And before that made me scared:
Given urge to ‘play the field’
Taste all within range.

Now, now, I am tired.
It’s nice to know someone’s intimacy
Exploring beneath the cloak:
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
I know it takes time
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
But trust me. Please?
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
Coz ******! I’m letting you in.
And ******! I want to show you my world.
And to see yours.
And when we escape this place,
Maybe just for a day or two,
But when we do,
It’s fricken beautiful
And we’re beautiful
And I know that.

Please. I want to fall into love.
Why not with him?

I lay amid dull breaths
- And loud snores,
Fake it til you make it they say
Mutters – the talk of Morpheus?
They make their way to the heavens
Maybe someone will understand them.

I’m trying to comprehend
Was it a purposeful touch?
Those many slight brushes
I reciprocated, ever so soft
Remembering my lovers face
Hoping this was okay

Things is.
She gave me this freedom.
There she was
Placing it in my arms
And here you are:
That ever so slight hint

I’d like to hold you
To give you love
To give a glimpse of my world
You’ve shown me yours
In many a way;
But you’ve left out soo much

That ever so slight touch

I’ve always had a thing about my feet

I miss us.
I do.
Why did you freeze on me?
Ice cold. But you didn’t realise.
I think I could get you back in a heart beat.
But where’s the caring?
Out the window somewhere.
You haven’t even asked.
It’s not on your mind.

I miss us.
But I don’t think it would be right to have us back.
You wouldn’t be there.
Not how I need.
You don’t understand.
You’re full and overflowing
And I can’t keep up
Not like this.

I miss us.
But is it that I just miss your company?
A duo of friendship
Because that’s what it dissolved to in the end
And you’re so far away now.
I’ve forgotten how it was in the beginning.
I know how it was in the end.
I don’t want that back.

I miss us.
But I don’t want that back.