A lady studiously typed.
Her assignment was almost done.
See, it was interesting for sure.
At first it had been fun
But it drained energy and time.
There were other things she wished to do.
And so it was that her assignment sat up and yelled;
“Well, I don’t know how to be without you.
Why would you finish such perfection?!
We’ve barely even had a row.”
“I’m sorry,” Said she,
“It’s time to hand you in now.
There’s nothing else I can do.
We both need to move on
And be as we shall be
I’ve become so worn
There’s not much point
There are many more things in sight
See, you’re destined for experiences other than mine
And I have many more assignments to write.”
And she typed the final word
It clicked into place
The assignment’s heart sank
- He was filed to interspace.

You have long nails
I chew mine
Stunt their growth
With nervous teeth
Hungry teeth

I stunt mine
And lament their loss

We contrast
Black to colour
Stride to bounce
Distanced to cuddly

You avert questions,
Throwing random jest
I open up and bare my soul
Honest as I can figure

Under these beautiful cloaks
We sing in unison
Sorrow and deep caring
Somehow, we understand.

Our awkwardness is equal to none
That just heightens the intensity
I explore, feet, hands,
You let me, then clasp tight

The goth and the pixie.
Who would have thought?

It’s a strange sadness upon me now.
A sad of
What am I doing to her?
A sad of
Why is my body falling apart?
A sad of
Just three more weeks, but 5 assignments
A sad of
Yearning. For him.
A sad of
I don’t know what to do
Or what has been done
Or how to proceed
Without making more people sad
Without breaking more hearts
Because when I was with him
So much of me was determined
That it would last
Forever
And so much of me was happy
That I wouldn’t have the chance
To hurt anyone else
And now I have free reign.
Ready folks? Here I go.
Hearts, y’all best get broken!

You saw me.
Not just the bouncy quirky girl
With bright mismatched fingerless gloves
Skipping and laughing,
Playing along.
- You saw me.
Me, who even I hadn't seen.
Or realised existed.

Arms wide
You made it clear I could be open
Something no one else had achieved.
Such a caring flowed forth
I felt myself broken
In places I hadn't dared admit
And these you hugged
Compassionately tended to.
As I tended to yours.
A unity of sorrow, art
And poetry

But it was spoilt.
We both needed growth
Find that inner strength.
Your resentment
Triggered my passivity
Until I was manipulated dumb
- By us both
And soon I exploded
And ran
I didn't know any other way
But neither did you.

And you slipped to the other side
Of what?
That great unknown curtain.
It's almost two years now.
I feel you tend to me still
As others in my web do too.
I am healing, growing,
Coming into my own.

I tried to write this for you, Luke.
An ode.
But in the end it's for me anyway.
It's always for me.
I guess I just wanted to say
"I'm glad I didn't die before I met you"
Thank you for all you gifted me
All I have learnt
You are love and light
- Aren't we all?

She likes him.
They cuddle.

He likes me.
He's in agony.

I like another him,
Who likes me in return.

He touched my feet,
Ever so soft caress.
I dissolved into light and dark
To be awoken by the shaking of heart break.

He asked her for space
But in the moment of meaningless
She reaches out a pinky
Clasps his
He shakes, eyes wide
Repeats
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."
Holds back nails
Which are hungry for flesh
- holds back
Flesh
Hungry for detachment
Sharp pain
Removal of self

"I feel stuck"
Trapped between sorrow
And a desire for comfort
And a desperately needed boundary
- so her heart isn't dragged along too.
But she reaches out and holds on.

And he holds onto me
In minds eye

And I grip another's hand firmly
And he squeezes mine back.

Tired.
Ill.
Stuck.
All is meaningless.
All is fuzzed.

I just want those arms
Clasped around me tight.
That's all.
To dissolve into his blackness.

Nothing is clear cut.
I know this.
And nothing will take away the hurt.
That's something inside me.
Something I must feel
And possibly cure
With love and care and time.

Something might take away this sickness.
Maybe.
If there's a reason.
More than just psychological - please let it be physical.
I don't know how to erase psychological pain.

I don't want to freak out.
I don't want to ruin things.
Friendship, music, this comfort I have found.
Please let this be okay.
Please let this work.
Let me find an assertion
Of my own
Even in tiredness
And let him listen
And honor that.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to lose this.

I'm looking through a window
- The blinds were lifted
And it's such an honour!

There, there's a fish
        Darting through,
Ripples spread from each pause and flight
Ivy grows and twists and climbs,
Grasping all in its path
The ground is covered in debris,
Dust and mould
A mushroom sprouts up
Holding the door to another world
A skeletal cheshire grins
Amidst piles and piles of literature
Which, when opened,
Echo melodies fourth,
Bouncing from non-existant walls

I peer round this windowsill
This fantastical world before me
Neon and shadow

I have caught but a glimpse
And eagerly contemplate
      The journey
The continuum of
Getting-to-know-and-understand
           You
A journey never to be completed
And always changing
As we collect new treasures to display
And hug tight the old favourites
As we grow
And realize
       Our inner selves.

Some power you have.
Trailing your arms around me,
Flinging your legs over me.

I don't like this dynamic
You're on a power trip
And I'm the wire
Carrying the current
Without that,
        Worthless.

It says something
You've said something.
Minimal time to spare to me, huh.
I feel played.

You went for a trip
And I chatted to new friends
Exclaimed "You haven't met her yet! Tragedy!"
Upon your return
You barely spared me a word
As if hanging out with me was doing me a favour.
As if catching up was a chore.

Sorry that my life isn't all sparkly and wonderful as yours has been
Lifting you up to heights where you can scoff down at me
Sorry I'm writing angry poetry
I'll probably be embarrassed of this later
I know a moment passes.

I don't think you understand the hell hole I'm staring out of right now
I know you'll mock my perspective,
Positivity being key,
But don't act like you're above me when you do it.
If you had this pain maybe you'd understand the difficulty of your suggestion.
If you had this pain.

I feel like I'm standing in a car park
Watching the journey I've been on
Thinking:
****, my car's been stolen,....
But oh,
I didn't actually drive it here.

I fell in love with the meaning of Janus
Bing! Gone!
I'm a fuzz
Transient ~

I know that I feel...
ZWOOPDEBOOP
DAN DAN DAHHH!
Waaaza!

What am I feeling. Doing?
Looking for comfort
Distract me
Heal me??
I can't sleep

I have long beautiful nails
Bourgeois!

He touched my feet.
I don't know.
I like cuddling people.

Just for fun...
Well, it's probably not fun,
The veil of ignorance
C
R
A
   S
    H
      E
       D
Is anyone actually happy and content?
I think we're all broken and sorrowful,
Enjoying the little moments.

Maybe it's where the stars are at.

I'm scared. Terrified.
The only seat that does not have a seatbelt in this coach is mine, the drivers,... I'm not sure what that says about how they value their employees.

The weedy wanderer searches for his tricks:
They hide among the flowerbeds
And in behind the gutters
Cleaning out the filth
Of the lucky master's overwhelming testimonies
Testimonies of love and hate:
They explore the times people were participating,
Clinging to the tufts of an imaginary carpet man,
Exploring in sondor-ous glee and enthusiasm.

There are oceans in this room, swelling,
They fill me up and soak me;
I'm still dry
Yet I am drowned in these waves of apathy.

Screams and whispers echo my body
With cries and laughter,
Fill this empty room

Swivel sideways,
A new perspective,
All turned on its head
All diagonal tribute
Spinning, cycling through
I. can. not. grasp. anything.
Flatten my palm.
Let it go.

A dandelion clock floating on the wind
Swirling and dancing
In spite of stifling cross breezes
Muttering discordant harmonies
Rhyming melodies, unfinished senta...

The night fuzzes now
Soft
Comforting
Full of warmth
Dribbling from the mouth of hope
Who will speak to me in the darkness?
Or will the light speak to me?

What a curious feeling
To mourn a dream
And to know the dream has shifted
I didn't want it anymore.

Life moves on
Swirling and shifting around me
Its colours glow
Its colours shrink

A new love
For us each
And I know she is your perfection
Now.

How beautiful.
And exhausting.
Hug me tight won't you?
This world wearies me.

Don't tell me I'm perfect.
I'll never believe it.
They all say that at some point.
We're all perfect, in different ways.

Real life doesn't fulfill our fairy tale fantasies
Much as we try to make them
Force it to fit the narrative
Spun by yearning minds

Real life is much more dull
And twisted
And interesting
But so much less romantic

I believed in soul mates once.
But only for a moment.

All eternity is now a myth
A concept
A failed dream
We jump from one to another

We jump;
Learning our lessons
Discovering self
Reinventing self

Do we ever settle?
How can we?

We realise
Each person has an aspect
Of that which we desire
Perfection would unite them together.

We realise
A mirror bears little interest
No contrast
Perfection is boredom, complacency.

We realise
We don't want
What we thought we desired
Perfection would leave us unsatisfied.

Don't call me perfect.
I'll let that one down.
Or you'll forget.
Let the value slip away.

I'm just another human, full of complexity, uncertainty, longing.
You're just another human, full of mystery, contrast, yearning.
Together we may spiral a while.
What does this life hold for us who embrace the imperfection?

A spider web of support is forming around me.
All sticky
I'm part of it too.
A strand or two
Joined to other crazy amazing strands
I wonder who the spider is
I hope it's not trying to spell
I hope it's binding us with its strongest of web

We hold each other.
We hurt each other:
But we nurse it back
We pull the pieces together
And lift each other up
Shine shine shine

I have an abundance
Friends, creativity, excitement,
Jiggling beside me there is joy
And sorrow
And today I woke up feeling happier
So maybe things are on the rise

There is hope.
There is something.

All the bugs
That attack this web
Spoiling our architectural brilliance
Will be eaten in pay-back
And cruel resentment
And we shall carry-a-on
A spinning along

I flirt with falling
Weightless in the illusion
Catch me, air
Catch me, trees
Catch me water

Dangling over ripples
Interrupted, they scatter
Soaring circles
Arcs in time
We are interlocked, intertwined.

"It's like titanic"
But I'm the only one with my arms spread wide
I shuffle my feet closer to the edge
All is emptiness
And fullness

"I feel like I'm floating"
Two smiles hover either side
The third has found solid ground
And my favourite people in all the world are here
And scattered in the other-land

Left behind:
One *** ***** of foreign species
One single-authored message
"He stole the paper back"
Eyes are anxious caricatures
But that's just how he do.

Under now,
Earth clings:
"Don't leave me again"
We serenade our climb
With discordant harmony

I tend to run
Freak out and run
Run from
Run to
Run from again
Something within me drives me forwards

I'm still learning the difference
Between love and lust
Affection, attraction, and admiration
They feel similar

Too often I don't understand what I am feeling
Too often I don't know what I'm doing

******* things up
Breaking hearts
I'm danger.

I'm a troll in a deep dark hole...

I think I've forgotten how to be alone.

Three more weeks.
Four more assignments.
I count the days
I try to focus.

I sit. In front. Of. The Screen.
I read. I click. I type.
I Ignore. The Fire. Spreads. Over. My Chest.
I Ignore. The Fire. Sits. In. My Belly.
I Ignore. The Bubbling. Rises. To Taste.
I Ignore. The Hand. Squeezes. Ribs Closed.
I Ignore as the hand grows larger,
Squeezing torso
And throat.

I ignore. I ignore. I ignore.

Until it's too much.
Sit back.
One line.
One measly little line.

Check phone.
Listen: calm song.
Check facebook.

Back to it.

I Ignore. The Pain.
I Ignore. The Tears.
I Ignore. I  Ignore. I Ignore!
***** this.
Click, click, click.
All shut down.
All packed up.
All despaired.

In the corner of my eye
He stood
Tall
Dark black
Face obscured

He watched
He looked into deepest fear
Deepest secret
Deepest longing
He looked in. deep.

His glance was comforting
Warm
I longed to reach out, to touch
Yet upon turning he was gone
Existing only in periphery
Out of reach.

My band-aid falls off
In heavy rain

Alone,
My soul is drenched
Wringed out in sun's embrace

As storms gather
I place a new band-aid

If it doesn't fall
In the tumult
I'll rip it off
And toss it away~

Can I breathe?
Just.
One Question.
Everything closes in
I am hugged
In the most uncomfortable way
I am hugged
Cuddled
Stifled
Can I breathe?
Please?
Just. One. Breath.

Crushed, crushed, crushing
The struggle to expand
- and my throat is closing again
Heat, hot, dry
Floats over ribs
Seemingly detached
Yet hugging me tight
Claustrophobic
- And this sickness
(I'm sick of this sickness)
Threatens to rise out
Threatens, bubbles, teases
But I'm all shut up now
Not a whisper to escape
Tired.
Brain fogs
Fingers doze
All is fuzzed over
All is removed
All is discomfort

I hope it’s okay
There are teachings and learnings here
Or something
I think pain can be good
Hurt.
Is beautiful
There are deep connections
And share-ings
- So that’s okay, isn’t it?

You remind me of Luke
A tortured soul
Deep deep feelings
I’m curious
Peel back the layers
I should have just been his friend
He needed something
But not a lover to resent
And lose

You would sacrifice
Too much
In the end it could be
Worse
Slashing. Fizzling. Breaking.
I’m cautious:
You might tip-
Over
Like he did.

Keep yourself.
Uphold your values
Your true strength is there somewhere
Hiding in fear of rejection
You’ll shine so so bright!
Glean an enjoyment from life
He did not.

I’ve  been on a buzz
Running, running, running
Covering over
The deep sorrow
Contrast to the extreme excite
Mournful
I am empty
Hollow

No one else will fill you up
That’s a love and care you have to give yourself

I’ve been trying to work through all this
Maybe you
And the reminders
Are teachers
A chance for reconciliation
Maybe the girl with the red balloon
Needs to let it go.

"Honest to God I will break your heart"

A paper cup overflows
           Spills
                  Breaks

All is transient.


"I would have wanted to keep trying"
I know.

"Is there anything else you want to say?"

Silence.
A hug.
No glances back.

"let's be still"
Blared through comforting headphones
"No, no, let's dance, let's dance"
The little tendrils jiggled in anticipation
"let us join that glorious dance"
But no, 'tis not the time
Though the energy rises
And yearning, yearning, yearning
My heart does cry
- too soon! Too soon!!!
Jumping into a dance
With one foot
Does not bide well for any dancing partner
The little tendrils sighed
- but may continue to grow
Time over time over time
The blood will settle in this wound
Coagulate
Cover over
And soon
- time over time over time
Fall off to reveal shiny new
And stronger, much stronger
And the dance will be all the sweeter
Devouring
Let's be still
Let's be still
Oh still my beating, acheing, yearning heart!
**** it!
Won't you still!

The fireflies danced
On fast forward
Glittering
Over
Cast away fragments;
An underwater forest

A sudden explosion;
A creature of light
Emerged from depths
As did we
Emerge from our depths

Eyes open.
Lives open.
There’s more to come.
A whole story cannot be told in one burst
Just aspects
Tiny flecks

Let us explore
I’m throwing my window open
And breaking the walls
Let me
           Expose
                        Myself.

I want to be comforted.
Cuddled without expectation
Hugged and held
Loved
Without the need to give in return
I don’t think I have the energy
To fully reciprocate
All seems like
Some sort of ritual dance
We spin we spin we spin
Eyes connect
Words exchange
Testing
Tasting
Confusion and trickery
Intentions hidden
To be revealed later
When prize is within reach
I don’t have the energy.
Just talk to me straight
I’ll talk straight back
And say
‘Hold me tight,
Just for a while
But no longer
I tend to break hearts anyway ’

I want to write a poem
To experience catharsis
Let sorrow and worry drip
Through keys to image of blank paper
Etching passionate letters

I want to write a poem
To distill this feel
Watered down to a part per million
Less harsh, less potent
As a trace serene

I want to write a poem
To make it go away;
Exhausted struggle
Takes its toll
Because I’m a drop of sunshine
Or so they all say.

I want to write a poem.
I want to write a poem.

This is a poem for the inner trying to get out
For yearnings and desperation
Surrounded by cardboard furniture we sit
             With silence
                 And serious expressions
                             Business-like.

Perhaps I will set down a lyric after lyric
About the clicking pen
Scribbling over paper
About due process
Convention
Eyes avoiding eyes
The building of a wall.
Our windows all have shutters now
We begin to close them

A whispered
Bridge the gap
Is stifled
Pushed away
Drowned
In proper formality
Small talk barely satisfies.

Suits,
Mr Smith,
Suits.
Let us be quirky
Oh fellow human clone of mine!

Let us dance!

"Temptation... Please never end"
The world thus explained, defined
- At least if I cannot control
I can understand!
Ah blessed interest!
Curiosity on a high,
Connections sparking
You hit my spot
*Deep

Because it's the little things
That mean so much.
We've just got to be brave enough
To take that step
And bridge the distance.

I was sitting in the bus
Tears held back.
They smiled at me
They gave me paper cranes
Made from bus tickets
They reached out.

He was  brave face, drowning
I paid it forwards
He took my offering
"His name is Scruffy"
No questions, just acceptance
It felt right somehow
He hugged it close.

A line of strength and support.
A hug, a smile, an invitation.
An open ear, a look of compassion.
- Something to show that we,
Other humans that we are,
We care.
We see your suffering and
We care.
It's these
Tiny.
Little.
Things.
They bridge the gap.
They mean the world.

Everything feels messy
She is wonderful
I don’t know what I’m doing
- To cause her pain
Something undesired
Muscles poised: I want to run
To flirt with spontaneity
To hug strangers
Eyes sending love
I want to have a base
A place to go that is my own
Quiet. Blank. Private.
Freedom.
“You’re such a free spirit”
He said
“Of course you freak out”
I want my life to be simple
And clear
And understood. At least mostly.
Definable.
This chaos runs out of lines
The ink drips
Boxes become smudges
And the drum beats
‘He’s leaving
He’s leaving
He’s leaving’
I’m still questioning my sexuality
Confirmation is a moment
It passes.
Leaving vague memory
A trace.
Not enough of a trace.
“Relax: let everything fall apart except you”
He said.
Wouldn’t that bring more chaos?
I’m trying to hold everything together
To pretend to the outside
EVERYTHING IS OKAY
Says Catbug
And they smile
“How cute”
And that is enough
But inside drips and pools
Something is collapsing
Nothing seems real anymore.

With whispered complements
Sootheing scratched hearts
We held each other tight
I curled into her clavicle
I've slipped into a real life romance
As beautiful and tortured as the novels describe
It's fantastic.
I love it.
Well,, there was some kissing.
If I'm honest, quite a bit.
But obviously there's more to it than that.
See, she's amazingly awesome
Poetic nonsense can't capture it
It's one of those things
All full and complex
All beautiful and rich.

I’m drowning
It’s heavenly
See what happened is
A million faeries with golden wings
Carried us to the heights
Of the enchanted tree
Moonbeams melting our nervous hearts

See what happened is
Spanish guitarists
Serenaded us
The river whispering sweet nothings
As we floated
On clouds of pure wonder

See what happened is
The sky opened to show a rainbow grin
The heavens sang
Our eyes made silent confessions
And the universe,
Unable to take such intensity,
Exploded into violet flame

See what actually happened is
She touched my hand
And I melted.
And, later,
My heart flowed through my lips
To fly with stars and streetlights
“And I get the feeling you might maybe like me too”
And she smiled and said
“Yea, I do”

So how about I do tumblr

And you do my assignment

And then we meet later

And drink wine

To counter the caffeine

That buzzes now

And how about M--- come too,

And A--- mayhap,

And we have a merry old’

Delving into the reckless

(Delving into the wreckless)

So how about it then?

Two 'shes' becoming 'hes'
They were beautiful
And open
And vulnerable
And guarded
It captured me
But they didn't reply to my email
Or accept my facebook friendship
Instead I was left with glorious inspiration
To be open
To be vulnerable
Arms wide,
Embracing change,
To follow my truth
As they followed theirs
Strong, defiant, knowing.
They were on a journey
As I am on mine
And we glimpsed each other
A hint of expression
Behind different steering wheels
Yet it was enough
For me to be touched
For me to remember.

The fire's glow upon her skin
Tantalizing
Hair a water fall
Black cascades
Dripping down her spine
My greedy fingers itch
Attraction sweet
Temptation divine*

Just a note here
About the movie romance
which has us to believe
that a lover must be "needed"
That without the other we are incomplete
And inadequate.
I challenge you
To find the whole within yourself
Retain your own respect and self- value
Understand and accept that
We are all unique and different
And, in that, my friend, there is wonder
Joy, independence, freedom
We will be attracted to others
- but this does not mean
reality's touch will be so sweet
Attraction does not retain the depth
Of your lover supporting you,
Comforting you,
Knowing you...
Attraction is fickle
And can be enjoyed as this in itself
Watched as it passes through the mind
Knowing another with the boundary of trust and friendship,
Exposing minds, open and vulnerable,
Is a more beautiful and deep connection
Than shallow attraction's fulfillment
Because attraction does not equal love divine.
Or respect, or worth, or support.
Only you can grant yourself these things,
Retaining the strength to uphold them.

There are times to love and learn and nurture
- And there are times to be with one's own and grow in strength.
There are challenges in love
Just as there are challenges in life.

From a perch high above
She sat.
Feeling the sad, the pain, the hurt
There's nothing to take it away
Ignoring simply leaves a feeling or empty
A restlessness
Desperation, desperation, yearning
For her? No doubt.
For freedom? No doubt.
To run, to fly, to be in other lands
- but the feeling would come too, don't you know?
Where ever you are you take yourself too.
Best just sit with this.
Sit and watch and wait.
It's just another experience of life after all.

The faithful worker bees
Had paused for a moment to drink and reflect
-And from here slipped into slumber deep.
We climbed in eagerly,
Soaking exhausted bones,
Frozen feet burning with warmth's sweet kiss
Tiny bodies swirling around us
Wings, fur, curled up feet.
They had paused too long,
Perhaps drunk on nectar,
They had slipped.
Or perhaps,
Restless with the hive mind
They claimed their only escape.
To float in the infinite
To spiral in ripples of unknown
To curl up, small, lifeless
And be gently, lovingly lifted up
In angels' hands
Caught ever so softly
Our sorrow arisen
And for a moment
Of our own mortality reminded
- then they were flung away
to decompose elsewhere.
Somewhere more convenient.
"Let's make a bee grave"
We mused, wishing to be respectful.
As eulogy we talked of hive minds and sacrifice
Of the selfless, tireless work of the bee.

*Thank you,
For the honey
For this cup
Of tea.

Terrified of loss
- For overseas and far away he soon flies
Such a strong bond
so much we have shared.

I needed this distance
For a greater perspective
To appreciate him fully

And I needed this dynamic
Us three, jamming and joking,
To remember how joyous life can be

So serious. I become so serious.
It's a complicated mental disease
A factor of my human existence

Terrified of loss
- For he might just slip away
Never again to be seen
Or heard, or felt, or to feel

Terrified of this above all
For flames do extinguish,
This I did learn,
And people sometimes fly away.

Today I met...
A man with sea blue eyes shining from fiery hair
I said "you should be a pirate"
Then Effie piped "Let's turn this bus into a ship"
He mined for gold in Australia
Working 12 hour days and nights
Visiting home he found bad repute
In Coromandal's strong anti-mining activism.
He complained about the packaging
Of the tourist L&P; ice-cream he'd bought
"It should all be cardboard and wooden spoons"
The miner turned environmentalist?
Did the activists hear him out?

Behind him,
A man with eyes enclosed in triangle parentheses,
A tattoo of reminder.
- Reminder that being locked up is a waste of time, of life.
- Realization that being in that crowd caused trouble. Drugs ain't the thing. And
- Regret. It caused him to care for young minds, to teach what he had learnt.
"I was only in there for drink driving" but for two years?
He left at Paeroa College, "take care",
Not hearing our "thank you for sharing"

At our transfer we serenaded
In happy gratitude and spontaneity
The pirate watched, intrigued.
The drivers; our faithful who had driven us so far
And our newly acquainted about to shuttle us forth;
They watched
'Til ye old faithful lost faith and went on with his duty
A boy stepped off the bus
Listening shyly, hiding.
My bow slipped over out-of-tune strings
Effie's voice rang true, feeling and joy,
Hand strumming, familiar and fond.
A mess of black hair from Colorado
Complained "there's too many guns"
But was a gunsmith "For hunters... I love it"

I held a rifle once,
Scared of its kick and its bite,
A man shouldered it for me,
I pulled the trigger.
Paused. Then relief.
- The clay bird flew on,
Its demise instead the ground
It hit and crumbled.

I can't capture my truth in a song
No matter how I try
There's always a lost complexity
A missing aspect
It feels shallow
2-D and false.

Humans.
Essentially contradictory in nature.
Complex.
We see but a glimpse of the stranger's life.
A ripple on the surface.
A reflection of our own world.

I was angry.
He died and I was angry.
I felt no one knew the depth
Of the pain and guilt within me
- No one knew him,
How could they understand?

I was just another passer-by
All they saw was a ripple
A happy face
(A brave face)
A reflection of their own mind.

Because everyone’s little light extinguishes.
Some fade, some disappear without warning, some glow brighter and brighter until they explode.
But at some point, we all pass on. We all leave.
It is a curious reminder of the entropy of life – and death -
When someone chooses to extinguish their own light.

Thing is. I wouldn’t usually even try to figure this one out.
She’s so different.
So special.
And I get nervous.
The butterflies take away my eloquence.
They make me stumble.
And with her I would stumble anyway
Because she comes from a different mind
I want to understand
I want to understand
I want to understand
She humbles me.
I’ve hardly ever felt so humbled
It’s like she knows.
Her perspective
- I wish to taste it
But the butterflies
- And there’s this wall there
I’m learning
Please be patient
I stumble
- We all stumble
And you humble me and I stumble again
Your achievements fill me with pride.
And they’re not even mine.
Pride and happiness for you.
Because you deserve it.
You deserve greatness.
I want to understand
I want to understand
I want to understand.

To be open.
To be free.
I let it all escape
Dripping
To the grass beneath my face
Curled up.
Knees tucked in.
A
Small.
Blue.
Thing.

I'm happy and sad.
And trying to remember that that's okay.
Allowing tears to fall
And angels to catch them
Allowing laughter to escape
- Half in fear it may not return

I'm falling fast.
"Hard and fast" they say.
Stealing shy glances, sideways grins,
A touch of her skin
Stealing time, giddy,
Nervous heart ticking its own clock

I'm bereft. Suddenly alone.
- And falling so soon!
For a moment he was my everything
But then forever fell out the bottom.
In these moments she lifts me up
- But too soon, too soon

And I find it strange
That in loss I am in love
for lust was never this deep
Here I counsel myself to slumber,
To heal,
Biding time.

I gasp and watch
Horrified
As I hammer the final nail into the coffin.
We sit. Apart.
Staring at our loss
Knowing and not knowing
Understanding and not understanding
Feeling and unable to comprehend
The true realisation will come later
With crashing waves of tears
And unanswered questions
'Why?' There are always reasons.
'Life is cruel' But they're never enough.

Now. Now, we sit.
My mind already begins to wrap
This moment in a fine silk handkerchief
Labelled 'Beautiful and tragic'
A keepsake.
And sometime later
I shall unwrap it
Gaping
Marvelling
Mourning
The final.
moment.
of.
Us.

Sometimes neither of you are bad people
And he's not a ****
And everything was so beautiful
But it still
                has
                        to
                              end.
Because the pieces just don't fit quite right
And it feels like time
Even though there's not really much fighting
And he says he wants to be with you
For the rest of his life
Even though you'll miss his cuddles
And the silly jokes he makes
Even though he understand soo much other people don't
And he listens without excusing
Even though...
You'll miss him dearly.
Everything was so. ****. Beautiful.

Sometimes neither of you are *****
And things aren't even explosive
And no one has cheated
Sometimes... all the reasons for it to end
Are nice.
And calm.
And sad.
Sometimes that's just it.
No movie black and white contrast
No real drama here
Just real life calling at your doorstep
Saying
"Hey. You've learnt and grown and it's time
                           - it's some time."

He fumbles where I excel
Cut short by feelings
And musings, escaping,
Dripping from my lips,
From opposite extremes, we explore.
I wish I could give you a joy
To set your life in everlasting light

I lose myself in others
Emotions, words, desires
I lose myself and forget where I stand
The ground beneath me turns concrete.
Alone with the earth
I know just me and the universe
And there's nothing else to be known

He fumbles
The feelings are stuck -
Where I am lost he can barely venture
I am subtle while he is coarse
Yet we both watch
As the universe turns
Tumbling its strange orbit

Longing for freedom
Excelling in temptation
In danger, in destructive urge
Spirits soaring
Adrenalin charging
We dance along, the dance of the broken,
The dance of the universe

I want to know it all
From the inside:

To be free
Rushing, no form or substance
Yet the power to rattle leaves and disfigure umbrellas

To be strong
Bridge between earth and sky
Solidly anchored, growing towards the light

To be powerful
Giving life to all - and death to some
Light and warmth, kindness yet utmost creulty

To be dynamic
Coursing and carving through and over and under and around earth and stone
Disintegrating upwards to collect and fall- unperturbed

To be.
Delving into joyous creation and joyous destruction
Rebirth in death, and death in rebirth,
Tempted by all... and out of reach
Rejecting and rejoicing in the very morality itself.

"But you are never sad"
Oh Bless you, dear sir!
It's the world and its weight
That I bear so desperately!
The tragedy, not of my own,
But of all that is unjust and evil
Of the lives and dealings of man - and woman- folk

Pray, stay a while
And think of the poor
Those caught in widening inequality
Devoid of happiness,
In materials rich but spiritually lost

Pray, bid goodbye
To rainforests
The creatures of God within
Mercy to their own natures
As they are to us and ours

Pray, let us be merry
Nevermind the pain
Mother Earth is wailing
And I will join in this cry
With a howl of my own

But first.
First a drink or four
To numb reality
- as so many do, life being unbearable
My braincells have been used
For observing the bitterness and greed
And this is too much
For this young lady to bear.

Pray, God will hear you
As God is love and light
And surely he, or she, or it, tries
But we are out of bounds
Munching on our outcast apple
If we found Eden now
We would log the trees,
Drill for buried treasure,
Put the creatures on display
Behind bars
- As if it were their crime, not ours!
Or, failing these,
It would be the destination
"Paradise is just a plane ride a way...
And here is where our first sin took place,
Would anyone like a bite of the very same apple?"
Too late, no need to offer, we've been munching away for centuries.

No place too sacred.

No place untouched.