It's cold outside but I hear seagulls
It feels like October or November
Mixed with a little bit of May
It reminds me of pumpkin farms and beaches
Both associated with good times
Paired with past people
Forevers gone all wrong

Memories of goats and cookies
Almost send me into an attack of anxiety
Heartbeat racing and limbs get weak
I have to concentrate on my breathing
Cause I can't afford to fall right now

The beach reference comes from the smell
It's probably dead fish
But it reminds me of lakes
Like the one we went fishing on
Or the one we swam in with my family
Different waters carry the same smell
And remind me of the same person

My most intense triggers seem to be the weather
Which is ****** cause I can't escape it
So I keep driving
Heat up
Windows sealed
To escape these broken memories
Now broken people
And it's all my fault

There are so many things I want to tell you
All these words clammering through my brain
Emotions like nitrous explode under the surface
The intensity is disarming and terrifying
I feel like I'm losing my mind

My heartbeat shudders and my hands tremble
Whenever I'm sitting this close to you
You are stunning and sweet
Gentle like the flowers you love so much
I could talk with you all night long

I want to hear your dreams and your fears
All of the intricacies of you
I want to memorize your smile
And the lines of your hands
Lay under the stars and
Paint pictures into constellations
I want to feel your heart beating against mine
The harmony of our anxieties

I want to get drunk together
Just to ramble on through the night
Talking of nothing and everything at once
I want to explore new places
Get lost in the trees and
Sunburned on the beach

I want to be vulnerable and let you in
Knowing fully well I could get hurt
And taking that chance anyways

Once you know something, you can't unknow it
I contemplate the echoes of this inner void
Half knowing, half running
So afraid to fully commit
To fully let go
I've chosen to see then closed my eyes again
Unable to hide from myself
I've heard whispers of my truth beckoning
They want me to listen
To work together and grow
I know they're right, but I can't stand the sound
I've excelled at aversion
The keys to silence are in my hands
A couple of drinks or some edibles
Even the numbness of these meds
They're drugs all the same
And they mask the noise well
So at least for a little while
I can avoid it all again

I love myself
I love myself
I keep telling myself
I love myself
Because I know that
I need to love myself
And if I stop saying it
I'll believe it much less
Than I already do.

Sitting in this dark room
Running from my own darkness
Drowning out this fear and pain
With cold liquor and burning nicotine

Anxiety is spiraling through my veins
And the alcohol tames it for a minute
But then again I'm drinking alone
And that itself is dangerous

My clean arms are taunting me
Begging me to stain them red
With my own hands
To coat them with my own demons

I've been clean awhile now
And I've been doing well
But some days I'm not so sure
Because the knife is always a few feet away

How do you **** something inside yourself?
How do you escape your own feelings?
I know it's unhealthy
But these substances make it easier to deal

Have you ever heard your truth
Echoed back to you from another's lips?
Like a droplet into still water
Their words reverberated through my soul
They mirrored back my struggle with trauma
With their walls of fiery anger
Holding onto rage like a lifejacket
We've been floating in similar waters
Preparing for battle in every moment
While we're the ones aiming the guns
Grasping so tightly to our secret truth
That one day the pain will **** us
We're acting like we're already dead
Before we ever learned how to live

I don't think I'm made for this life
I feel like any good I could do
Can never outweigh the darkness
Dripping from the roots of my being
I don't think I was born with this
But I know it's grown into a part of me
Like ink, it leaks and pools
Drowning me and staining others
Somehow people of light find me
I want so badly to mirror back their essence
Instead when they pull me into their arms
The poison seeps through my fingertips
Little by little it finds a path inside
Dancing through blood to find a heartbeat
Their beautiful colors are tarnished and tainted
Muddied with the tar of my pain
I want to save the people I care for
And save the parts of myself that are left
I want to **** this deadly energy
Give the world less evil to fight against
It's whispers tangle through my brain
Spoken so calmly and assuredly
Reminding me of my damaged soul
It knows the control it has over me
It lies and says it keeps me safe
That to it I owe everything
It thinks it's what's kept me alive
When it's really what's killing me
A simple fix would **** this demon
A single bullet could end it's reign
Cold metal against hot skin
I'll trade my last breath for this

We are encompassed by shadows
Windows of blue, and creatures of the sea
Familiar places breathe calm into me
And your hand in mine means everything
You ask me to sit and my heart skips a beat
This time I don't leave space between us
I lean against you without a second thought
4 months ago this was all that I wanted
I kiss your shoulder in secret celebration
Then rest my head in silent gratitude
Upon contact everything else disappears
The energy of it leaves just you and me
All of the anxiety and noise evaporate
Replaced by silence, love, and peace
A shift so surprising it's scary
And I pull away too quickly
I am breathless and in shock
But for once I don't ask why
I just squeeze your hand tighter
And appreciate this moment
Thanking the universe for
Every second I have with you

We're standing at an invisible wall
Staring into the deep blue abyss
As graceful creatures glide by
I am breathless
You ask me to sit with you and I do
Careful not to lean too close
Trying to figure out if it's in my head
Or if you're leaning in a little too
Wherever we are, time isn't
We talk and watch sharks circling by
As people come and go before us
I'd gladly sit here all night with you
I'm not pulled to you by the rush of my heartbeat
Although that is distracting too
It's this calm and comfortable essence
The balancing act of our energies
I want to hold your hand and
I want you to think I'm cute
And even if it isn't mutual
I still want to be right here with you

To my ex-girlfriend's rebound,

I was the one who told her you were gay,
so, in a way,
your experience was my fault
and for that I am sorry

While she did not cheat on me with you, you still served a purpose to her in a time of loneliness,
Those moments where she led you to believe that she cared for you and that she wanted something more

And I'm not mad at you for falling for her.
You've seen her,
you've heard her,
felt her touch and
the fire she lit inside when she looked at you

But you also felt the burn of her
leaving you.
You felt the prospect of having time with her tomorrow being ripped away like an old band aid

I know that feeling all too well,
See
I was not quite angry at you for kissing her-- or rather, letting her kiss you and falling for her inconsistency--I felt betrayed

Seeing as I knew you from class where
We'd shared deep poetry with one another,
and though we never spoke individually,
you heard the words that bled from my paper,
you could undeniably feel my devotion to her,
my undying love,
her unbearable significance in my life.
And then you had to rip a band-aid off of me too,
Simply to make yourself feel better

While I'm more than grateful that you disclosed your relations with her,
Trying to guilt trip me and hyperbolize the experience?
That is from where my problem grew

You made it out like I stole her from you when my biggest sense of pride in that relationship came from the fact that I
NEVER
Not even once
Tried to contact her after she broke up with me

Yes,
in the moment I begged for her back

But once I left her bedroom,
That was it.

Yes,
every inch of me cracked under that pressure caused by the sense of drowning that came with her letting me go

And **** right I cried myself to sleep every night
Dreaming that she'd come back

And,
for the second time,
She did.

When she called me that night,
at 3am balling her eyes out
Though skeptical,
I was there for her
She begged for a chance at forgiveness
And I gave it to her

Little did I know that
that same night
You had peeled yourself from her pillows when she asked you to leave
After all the
"kissing"
"cuddling" and
"compliments"

And yet
She.
Called.
Me.

So while I still hold resentment toward you for your vengeance toward me
I thank you for being honest with me, even with the intended malice behind your disclosure

And I shouldn't hold on to this anger any longer:

I heard the pain in your voice when you came for your shoes and found me in her bed instead

I felt your anger as you flaunted your experience with her

And I know your pain at the realization that she lied to you and it all meant very little to her

She did it to me too

Then again, this grudge may be one of the last things still connecting me to her
And maybe I'm not ready to let that go

All the ******* and all the lies
I dare you to take a look inside.
Behind the cracked armor
I'm really a broken soldier.
Those who were your friends,
Your brothers and sisters
Were really enemies with secret identities
Those who you chose to trust
Stabbed you blindly in the back.
And tonight they're everything
Everywhere
In the nightmares
In the memories
I never thought it would be so hard.
And now I'm addicted.
I need it just as much as they needed me
As much as I need them.
And it's this pain and anguish
That will finally help me get over you.

I'm seeing you tonight
And it's been quite a while
Four days to be exact
I remember a time when
It drove us crazy
To not see each other most days
I act like I don't care
Sometimes it feels like I don't
But I feel the sadness looming over me
How can I not when
I know I want to see you more?
Life isn't that easy though
It's best not to feel
Not to care
A self-protective coping mechanism
That lets me function as human again
I'm nervous to see you
I don't know how I'll feel and
If I really am compartmentalizing
I know it doesn't hold up
When I'm laying next to you
I don't want to want you this much
I still want to be with you though
Just not so invested
It's unsafe
It's uncontrollable
And as someone who needs to feel
A variation of both of those
I'm terrified that seeing you
Will destroy these walls I've built
Until I'm left with nothing but
Myself
and
My feelings

My heart clicks repeatedly
a bike chain stuck between gears
I push hard against the pedals
they resist, then release
jerking my body down onto the frame.

The purple spots sting as my
fingertips softly graze the surrounding
puffs of white
They look a lot like how I imagine
the bruises you left would, although
those don't sting
they burn into my soul,
branding your name across
every inch
of every part of me:
my ears yearn to hear your
musical voice, my eyes to see your face
when your sapphire, diamond eyes
glowed brightly as you smiled at
something stupid that I said,
back when I could feel your love
coursing through my muscles, an
electric current sparking
something to life within me, I'm left
without a word to describe it.

Now, however, that spark has ignited into
unmanageable flames, eating all
that they touch, devouring my soul in
a storm of icy heat, filling
my lungs with ash and freezing everything
into an emotionless coma that
only your touch could break

I write a poem
You write a poem
We write to each other
In hopes that the other will read it
Hear our words
Feel our pain
And yet we don't talk about it
We don't talk at all
Except through our scripted feelings
These thoughts pour out of me
Freezing into words on a screen
But what do they mean?
What do they change?
It's ok to love someone and not be with them
But it's hard to know when that applies
And actions are trickier than words
But here we are
Putting our art
And our hearts
Out there for the world to read
For each other to see
Feeling
Loving
Thinking
And yet we don't speak

We were writers in love
And now we're writers in agony

What do I actually want
When I'm craving a high?
What need am I trying to satisfy
By drowning myself in a bottle?
I want to escape
I want to feel joy and freedom
I don't feel that now
I feel like drugs will bring those feelings
Even for just a moment
And sure, they might
But then I'll just think that
The drugs are what makes me happy
When it's actually the feeling of peace and happiness
The things I'm actually craving
That will make me happy
But, the human brain is flawed
And it will just see the drugs
And make me want them again

My heart pulses with this pain
Everything is in waves
So I know this will pass
But it hurts to keep breathing
I want to cry
And I want to sleep
But nightmares plague my mind
When I close my eyes
I used to smoke to avoid the pain
Now it seems to cause me more
I can't keep doing this to myself
I feel like I'm going to break

Under the pillow, sleeping, dreaming of its certain fate,
My demons scream, they're drinking my sanity away from me. I need an escape.
The oasis of that reflective body, forcing me to witness who I'll never be. Giving me the images of everyone I have deceived and turned my back on.
But what catharsis
to finally release these pictures taunting me, as I dive through them into the deep.
So I can drown in this pain I can't control
Or tread through the water back to my sanctuary.

How can I tell you
That if it weren't for the distance
That I'd want to try again?
How can I tell you
That I still love you and I miss you
When I know you deserve better?
How do I sit with this feeling
Loving you so much but hurting still
Because I can't think of how it could work out?
You could do so much better
Without my complications in your life
Because part of me wants to try again
But the rest is afraid to know it could fail
I don't know how to tell you these things
Because I know it could make it worse
You're working on moving on
And I don't know what a poly future looks like
I can't make any promises
And I can't think of how we would be
Because distance is hard
And poly is hard
Love is hard
But is it worth it?

The roar of the wheels upon solid concrete.
Suppressed by the music blaring in my ears.
Vibrations running through the wood and to my feet.
This feeling is unreal.

There's no time for thinking.
The music muting all thoughts.
Eyes staring, quickly blinking
Into the night, on the road ahead.

No destination in mind
Nowhere specific to go
Never looking behind
Only moving forward, deeper into the dark.

For a moment it is quiet
An intersection and a choice
Within my mind, a slowly building riot.
As I debate between left and right.

I give up on the decision.
Now only feeling my way
My heart leads my fate
And I continue out into the night.

Baby please
Tell me what you need
I promise I'm trying
To take on the lead
You are small but not weak
Your voice is quiet when you speak
But do you know you move mountains
Like you do it with ease?
You take on this cruel world
All it's edges and swirls
You give us the strength we need
When my mind is unfurled
I know it's not fair
And I know that your scared
Your small hands take the wheel
As the rest of us stare
You're reckless and wild
You're still just a child
I promise I'm fighting
To get this reconciled
You deserve to be free
To give the power to me
One day I promise you
I'll help you find peace

I can't seem to tell
If you're expressing undercover
Or if you're really that ignorant.
How adorable
Watching a pretty girl lie,
******* denial at the teeth.
If I remember correctly
When you were really under covers
I held your gaze.
Maybe you forgot
The way you held me close
Yet never close enough.
Or the way you kissed back
With such a passion
That YOU initiated in the first place.
Take back then your words
Of how okay you felt
for the first time in forever.
Take back the desire you craved
And still do from time to time
In order to keep to your word now.
Sorry sweetheart
You choose your own destiny
And I stopped playing your games long ago.
You made your decision to hide yourself
To deny how much you cared
And gave up your chance for the last time.
So I bid you a good night
And a fair life
Where our memories won't haunt you anymore.
And you can forget about my existence
I'll make it easy for you now
You've clearly made your choice.

I see all the signs,
That you're just like the rest.
Should be déjà vu,
cause it's always been the same.

And if history really does repeat itself,
Then I guess it'll be the same end.
Yet I am still willing to try it out,
Just the way I was before.

Such bad habits I have,
To like the wrong people and commit to them the most.
And they're all so similar,
That it's laughable that I keep making the same mistake.

Especially when I have someone great right in front of me,
Who's different than the rest.
One who really cares,
And doesn't hurt me.

But who I hurt instead,
More than a few times.
Yet I can't commit to her,
I can't be who I want and know I can be for her;
I can't be what she deserves.

And I just don't know why.

So maybe I'm attracted to people who are just like me:
Conniving ******* who do what they feel.
Ones who don't care who they hurt in the process,
As long as they're happy in the end.

And I'm sorry to that girl who's been there by my side,
When she's had a million reasons to leave.
The one I keep treating terribly,
Because I can't make up my own mind.

So when this one doesn't work out,
When you turn out just the same as the last.
I'm not gonna keep coming back the way I used to,
I can't do that to her anymore.

She deserves the world,
And I can't even give her half a ******* up  heart.
But I know I can try to be better;
Better for her and better for myself.

And that's a promise I can actually keep.

I want to stop and feel the sand
But you have a tight grip on my hand
I'm basking in the glory of this image
But you want to leave so we'll go
And I'll try to come back when I'm alone

You touch me so lightly
And my entire heartbeat halts
After another second
It switches into overdrive

This is not lust
Of course I want you entirely
But these sensations are fueled by my feelings
I haven't felt this way before

Of course I've loved others
And been loved by them in return
And I've been "intimate" many times
Without the actual intimacy

This is different
This is more
More than physical excitement
More than basic human instincts

I feel it in my chest
This warmth spreading through my soul
I am entirely unnerved by you
And for once I revel in the lack of control

Do I want to kiss you
Because I actually like you
Or I just feel out of control?
I tend to be self-destructive
When nothing in life is going well
And I don't want to drag you into this
I brought up never having drunk kissed someone
Our friend said we should do it
And the idea just stuck in my head
I didn't think it'd be a reciprocated feeling
Because I can't imagine you thinking of me that way
But drunk me decided to offer
Just to let you know I was thinking it
You said you were surprised
I'm not sure why but that's ok
You also said you might accept the offer
But it depends
On what I'm not sure
I just hope it's not awkward at work tomorrow

Now that I've entered the world
Of this burning tree
I feel much more fully
Because it's the only time I can

And the thought of you makes my heart ache
I don't know where we're at
My chest is heavy with the chance of losing you
I truly love you with all my heart

But understand I have trust issues
Honesty is the only option for me
So when I sense dishonesty
It shuts me down immediately

I feel petrified
Unable to move

And instead of running
I let my fires spend outward

But I love you
And though I say I'll be ok alone
Life would feel meaningless
Without your hand in mine

But I understand if you have to leave
You'll be in my heart forever

All it takes is a moment,
And all my happiness can fall into despair.
In just a split second,
I can go from having the best day ever,
To just another day of the week.
Equally though,
I can slip from an anxiety attack,
Straight into euphoric insanity.
But it isn't all causeless.
Yet the effects shouldn't be of such a great intensity.
It's like my emotions are hyped up on steroids,
And I can't keep them stable for long,
Before they return to this up and down,
Roller coaster ride called my life.

Take me as I am
Or take yourself away.
I'm sick of all your lies
And all your little games.
I'm seeing just how crazy it is,
That I haven't realized this before;
How much you play, and how fake you are.
If I had, I'd have never opened my door.

Trying to justify yourself
By turning things back on me.
But I no longer feel sorry for
The ***** you turned out to be.
Get mad because I 'ignored' you,
When you tried to fake a smile.
Sorry I didn't expect that one,
Haven't seen it in a while.

So now you turn your head away from me
When I tried to catch your eye.
To acknowledge you as you wanted
Intent turned from a sorry to just goodbye.
But if that's really what you wanted,
To walk away alone.
You could've just been honest
And I'd have let you go.

Instead you decided to hurt me more
Pulling me further through this hell.
The burning flames of liking you
Consumed me as I fell.
And you just stood there and watched
Beckoning me farther on that track.
And as soon as I was close enough
You changed your mind and stepped back

One day I'll come back for you
Break down the walls and bring you home
No locks can hold this love back
I'll go through the window if I have to
We could try to leave quietly
But I want the world to know our love
We're a force when we're apart
Imagine that power together
Everyone will have something to say
But I only care about you
They'll think we've been here before
But they have no idea
Our souls have known forever
Just waiting for us to see
Since the day that we met
You're forever a part of me

Even as tears stain your face
You've never been more beautiful
A gorgeous warrior
Fighting the battle that is your life
Typically intense and headstrong
Before me you're sensitive and hurting
You're so complex but
Your heart is pure and good
And I love every aspect of your existence
I'd hold you forever if I could
I want to save you from your demons
But I know I can't
So I'll be here with you through it all
Whether you're fine or not
I will always be here for you
Because I love you
And I know you can make it
I see it in your resilience
I feel it in your soul
You are undeniably strong
And I believe in you

So
                     they
   say nothing can compare to
      the delicacies that claim
         our sky. High above,
      far beyond our air, lights
    break the               darkness.

                        I
                    must
admit to their magnificence; truly
       breathtaking. Is it such
         a coincidence, that
    your presence has similar
effects                           on me?

                        I
                    watch
their genuine glow, and wish you
     were there beside me; to
         share in this wonder.
        To gain the experience
      of true                 sublimity.

                        I
                    know
that if you were really there with
       me, my gaze would fall.
          No longer focusing
      on the sky, but instead
     upon                     your all.

                      And
                    because
these moments don't last forever-
      I know I could watch these
        stars whenever. But it
      wouldn't be us, together-
    I would              take it all in.

                       An
                  amazing
experience it is; the feeling of being
      close, to the one thing I've
         found that surpasses
      the stars I've seen, in both
   amazement        and in beauty

Static pours into my eardrums with an
Incessant buzz of thoughts:
I still love her.
I want to die.
**** yourself, she’s best without you.
Be alone and do it.
Stop dragging people down with you.
You’re the problem.
I need her.
She’s gone.
It’s my fault.
I’ve ruined my life.
****.
I ruined hers too.
I deserve death.
I am nothing now.
I need to die.
I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'ms­orryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'mso­rryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msor­ryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorr­yI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry­I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI­'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry
K­ill me please.
****.
me.
Please.

White screens through teary eyes
Trying hard to show him the light.
But I'm afraid I'm too late
And too weak to beat fate.
And if he dies tonight
I don't know how I'd fight,
How I'd keep on going
Without our friendship growing.
So I pray to whoever listens
Please keep strength with him.
Give him the will to go another day
And then again tomorrow until he stays.
I can't make it through this on my own
I love him, please don't leave me alone.
Until the end, I'm along for the ride
Even if it ends in two suicides.

I'm embarrassed on some level
To still hold on to our memories
Not because of you in any way
But because I'm the one who left

I'm usually good at reconnecting
But with you it's been so different
I like to be open with my emotions
But I'm afraid to be this vulnerable

I think about that night when
I didn't look back as we parted ways
You thought I didn't care at all
But I was terrified by how much I did

We tried gaming as friends
And you bought me Pitch Black
I didn't tell you how I felt back then
Because I thought I'd just hurt you again

When we broke up
I told you I needed to find myself
While it probably felt like a lie then
It turned out to be the truth

I always hoped in my heart that
We'd be together again one day
And as bad as that sounds
I knew I wasn't good enough yet

If I'd have married you then
Instead of killing this on impact
I'd have disintegrated us slowly
And I couldn't do that to you

I want to tell you about my growth
About the therapy and my sobriety
I want to show you how I've changed
But it all feels so selfish

Because the truth is that
I wasn't ready to show up in 2015
And even though it's been this long
I never stopped loving you

We don't even know each other anymore
But these feelings won't go away
I doubt you even think about it still
Or maybe I'm scared it's just me

I've been torn over this for years
Although I trust how I feel
I'm afraid of what you'd say
Because you deserve only the best

And even if it makes no sense
I'm still scared to let you down

White noise screaming in my head
Like Venom I feel parts of myself splitting
Ear piercing screeching electrocutes my soul
I want to put my head through a wall
Down a bottle, maybe two
Anything I can to end this torture
My heart is desperately trying to speak to me
But my mind won't stop and listen
I need to feel my way through this
Connect with myself to move forward
But I'm locked inside and fear is the deadbolt
Sometimes I'd rather be dead than face it

I'm so sick of being seen as someone I'm not.
Why judge by my past when the present has me changed beyond belief?
Don't hold me to my previous actions while I fight to move on myself.
You weren't there for the journey, so don't look down as though I'm below you.
I didn't see you when I was slipping; where were you while I was falling?
And now that I'm standing, you deem it okay to throw stones?
Well go ahead.
Because while you've been playing with pebbles, I've been facing mountains.
And I'm more ready today than I've ever been in my whole life.

We're walking hand in hand
My partner and I
Following a paved path through the park
Our feet sink a little deeper in each step
As we cross into dewy grass
As I lay out our rainbow blanket
6 feet from water's edge
I'm lost in my own thoughts
So much so that I don't even notice
When you've stood up and
Walked to the water's edge
I only notice when I hear the water splash
You're already waist-deep when I reach the edge
"What are you doing?"
I yell and you simply stare at me with a smile in your eyes
Your arm extends and your fingertips beckon
You want me to join you
My mind starts spinning with excuses
I'm wearing jeans so the water would feel gross
I can't leave our things unattended
It's chilly today, we could get sick
There could be sharks in the water
You don't hear any of it
As you sink further into the cerulean abyss
Suddenly I am aware of my best friend
They're by your side and you both look happy
They reach their arms out to me too
I feel so alone on the shore
Yet my mind keeps feeding me reasons
To avoid taking the plunge
I rub my eyes and run my hands through my greasy hair
I look back up and now the animals have joined you
My sweet kittens and the brown dog
Very rapidly, everyone I care about
Emerges from the depths
My mom and her partner
My high school best friend
My college best friend
All of their arms outstretched towards me
The panic sets in as I lean over the edge
My own face reflects back at me
The image shimmers as tears fall into the water
My face remains entirely dry
As my reflection continues to cry
I don't understand
My loved ones continue to reach for me
So many arms aimed in my direction
It feels extremely threatening
Yet I know they're there to catch me
I decide to join them and
I can't step over the edge
My body doesn’t want to give in
A running start doesn't help either
As my feet are glued to the grass
Anxiety shocks all of my limbs
I feel so alone
I feel so scared
I am so close to where I want to be
But I'm still not there
I can see the path so clearly
I can see the safety net of my chosen family
And I still can't move

I feel a train approaching
Headed straight for my soul
A tiger ready to pounce
And rip it bare to shreds,
Well whatever remains i suppose.

Sadly I know the origin well
Of these worries of terror
And it's all my fault.
I really hate myself sometimes,
For the things I need of her.

I'm sorry
I just need someone there
I don't seem the same now as I was before
But deep down i promise I'm still here
It's just hard sometimes to see that you care.

It's not your fault at all
No you were unaware of the scratches
That lie beneath the surface
Of a painted door
With tampered latches.

I know we're not perfect
That's not of my intention
I want to fall in love
With you
And all of your imperfections.

Forgive me for being weak
And having issues greater than you expected
But if there was any a hope
For me to truly love you
You needed to understand the ways I'm affected.

So if this ends for my actions
And you no longer can handle me
I will understand
And let you go as you wish
Only pondering on all I hoped we could be.

Insecurity runs through me
Like scalding water across my skin
Contact is pain and pure panic
I'm drowning in this negativity
You are not enough and
You don't know how to love
You aren't hot enough and
Not even a good ****
Your life is a waste
You've got no potential
You are nothing
You mean nothing
So many words echo harshly
Against the concrete walls of my mind
Crying out over and over again
As they crash against the pavement
Each collision a shockwave
Of claustrophobic negativity
Their tremors shake violently through my bones
Reinforcing themselves into my DNA

Who are you?
You sit here most every week
With a smile on your face
Yet you barely even speak.
Why are you around?
I can never understand
And it's not getting any better
With your words guiding my hand.
You whisper your desires
Daring me to try your ways
Unaware of the struggle you cause
And the pain brought each day
You don't belong here
I try to scream
You don't hear
Because you are me.
So give me some answers
To the questions i don't dare voice
Because i am you
And I've been given no choice.
You keep me awake at night
And asleep in class
You tug at my thoughts
Until i force you to pass
But you won't stay gone long
For you are a part of me
And i still can't accept you,
My burdening identity.

I dig hooks into my heart
Hoping to feel something more
Tying parts of myself to others
As if they could fix my soul
As if maybe one day
The scars will fuse to the metal
Somehow filling in the gaps
Empty, echoing spaces
That swallow everything whole
But one day even those will disintegrate
Or be ripped out without warning
And it's no one's fault but my own
When I bleed out onto the floor

There's this battle in my head
Between doing what I want
And feeling like the biggest *****,
Or doing what will make others happier
And then I end up wherever there's left to be.
At least when they're happy I won't feel so selfish.
But then the unhappy thoughts return and I feel it just the same.
I was once told that you can never please everyone,
So why not at least please yourself?
Which sounds pretty genius,
Until I fall into another depressive episode.
Yeah they're just episodes now because it isn't all the time anymore.
I've at least gotten better that way.

Away into the night
A lost soul wanders alone.
Guided on her path
By the sweet glow of the moon.
Pretty girl, so fragile in the dark
Bravely makes her way forward;
On a mission to find her heart.
The air is cold,
Spring has yet to come.
Her bare feet meet the ground below,
As she and the world become one.
Time is nonexistent,
In this world of little light.
As if everything has stopped,
And for once, it's all alright.
What she seeks,
She will soon come to find.
As she approaches the river,
She sees her body in water's bind.
Now this comes to little surprise,
and it strikes no sense of fear,
Because now she is nonexistent.
At rest, forever here.

My palm pressed to your chest
I connect to your energy
Your heartbeat, warm and familiar,
Is the rhythm of love and of you
You glide your nose along mine
A soft connection of energy
I am brought to my knees
By such simplicity
The way that you smile
When I tell you you're pretty
That freckle on your hand
I can't help but kiss
I'd hold you in my arms forever if I could
As our souls sleep hand in hand
I breathe you in like nicotine
And I want to give you everything
Support, peace, and space
Safety, love, and grace
You've shown me new parts of myself
And I want to return the favor
Together we can grow and explore
A world unknown that feels like home

Laying in bed with my music on at 2:30 in the morning,
Wishing that I won't have to wake up again tomorrow.
And if I do, hoping that the last few years of my life were only a dream.
One sick, extended nightmare that I can awaken from at any moment,
And everything will be okay again.
*But first I need to fall asleep.

Another one of those nights..
Surrounded by darkness in an attempt to hide from reality.
Blasted music to cover painful memories.
Just another night where music saves my life.
While the pain is no longer caused physically
There's nothing to stop my thoughts from taking control.
I'm dying inside, drowning in open water;
The music's the only thing keeping me afloat.
So as I lay here in the dark
With the volume increasing slowly,
Don't assume I don't care.
If I didn't, I wouldn't still be fighting the current.

I think of your soft skin
The sweet lines of your beautiful face
And I can't help but smile.

My frozen heart warms at the thought
Of the way our souls collide as our foreheads touch
Satin skin against skin.

You are the most wonderful part the universe
Your soul vibrates so perfectly with mine
We complete one another so gracefully.

Despite your place in my heart
I will try to hold myself stable
Enough to not drag you into this darkness with me.

Your beautiful heart and it's unnatural beat
Have carried you through enough torture
And still it strives forward as perfect and innocent as ever.

Baby I love you more than myself
That's why I haven't opened up yet
I'm afraid to give you more nightmares than you're already plagued with.

But I want more than anything
To give you all of me
I just wish it could be done more easily.

I know I'm not perfect and
I'm dripping with bad habits
But please believe that my feelings for you are real

Even though I seem walled off right now
I really am trying to open up for you
For you and for me

So one day soon we can both live at ease
Without the fear of this falling apart
Dreaming peacefully, on our little island paradise

Moments with you feel ethereal
When your hand rests on my chest
We're skin to skin but
You touch my heart with ease
As my fingertips trail your cheek
Gently tracing the lines of your face
I am breathing in every detail
Aching to memorize all of you
This connection is magical
Our energies dance in tranquility
And the breathtaking depth of your soul
Brings me to my knees
I've never known a love like this
Never collided so gently with another
You are a once in a lifetime love
And I'm grateful I found you in mine
I want to give you the universe
Because you mean all of them to me
Although time has never existed here
I hope our souls meet forever