My eyes,
they cry,
My hands,
they shake,
My throat,
it stings with bile,
When I see or think of you,
And your deceitful smile.

I don’t think I hate you,
But I do hate what you've changed,
You have censored me,
Taken my voice,
My friends are now estranged.

When you cross my mind,
Which is almost every day,
I wonder if you think,
What you’ve done,
Is okay?

It isn’t.

Smooth like
Sugar and
Spice
And
Fire.

Sweet like
Hornets and
Coffee
And
Liars.

I’ve got that feeling again,
A pit in my stomach and a rush of blood in my veins,
These feelings about you again,
That make me go insane.

Right now I’m thinking of you,
Do you cry at night in your bed,
Because you, too, can’t stop,
Thinking of me in your head?

It’s silly to even ponder,
Because I know the answer is no.
You never give me a second thought,
When I get up to go.

If I don’t try we’ll never speak ,
And that’s what shatters my heart,
Because I can’t imagine life without you,
You’re my muse, my work of art.

I bought a brand new notebook.
With floral print and purple lines,
For the brand new school year,
To show them how I shine

But now it’s half way through the school year,
And my notebook has lost its glow,
It’s like as if my floral notebook,
Somehow really knows,

My mood and all my feelings,
And as I begin to age,
Like my floral notebook,
I seem tattered at every page.

When I reach the end of my notebook,
I fear what the story will hold,
Stripped of the words on the pages,
My heart soon growing cold.

I remember all the lessons,
And hope one day I understand,
That the stories in this notebook,
Are worth all the ink marks on my hand.

Its a summer,
sitting in the house older than the dirt in the garden just outside.

In the summer heat,
where we wear our bathing suits all day long.

We stay out in the sun because,
Pop pop says its good for us

We eat and eat and eat,
And we play and play and play

"stay young," Pop Pop mumbles under his breath,
of course when I was younger I never truly understood the words spoken form his lips.

As a teen in my grandparent's backyard,
my ungraceful limbs and awkward body were welcomed.

Mom mom and Pop pop loved my brace face even when I didn't.

My stomach rolls didn't matter.
In fact, the only rolls that did matter were the ones we ate with our macaroni.

In my grandparents home, we spend busy mornings,
but lazy afternoons playing poker at the table.

In my grandparents house,
sadness rolls away like the waves at the local New England beach.

Of course, like any good family, things can get angry and heated,

But at my grandparent's house,
that's just how we know it is time for a swim.

This one is for you,
Quiet girl,
Smart girl,
Shy girl,
You.

Not for the,
Funny girls,
Ignorant girls,
The girl that doesn’t acknowledge,
You.

Because you may be quiet,
But I never had a problem hearing your voice,
And you may be timid,
But when you speak I will always listen.

This one is for you,
For the day I saw you cry and thought that a
Quiet, smart, shy girl,
like you should never cry.
But does.

I know you cry when you are home,
And escape to your room where no one else sees.

You never answered my text,
And I am worried,
You tell me “I don’t have to”
But smart, shy, girl,
you never did realize,
That I always cared about you.

And I listened,
And I worried,
And I hugged,
This ones for you.

My eye won’t stop twitching
And I’m not sure if that is from the strain on my eyes
Or on my mind

I convince myself they are one and the same,
Everything is connected,
Like my whole body can be effected,
By a simple thought in my brain.

I try to look away,
Spare myself the rejection,
Limit the affection,
And ignore my own reflection.

But now some time has passed by,
And my eye has ceased its beating,
Like it’s  purpose has lost its meaning,
After the rhythm it’s been repeating.

An eye for an eye,
My eye like my heart,
Although I’m smart,
No one can stop me,
from tearing myself apart.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
Is a thing they always say,
But every time I leave you,
My heart beats slower everyday,

The fondness hadn’t sprouted,
Like a lily pad in spring,
It was  more like a melancholic mold,
With power to destroy everything.

I love you and You love me too,
And every day speak,
And when times are good they’re good,
But when times are bad they’re bleak.

The thing about our distance,
You say this is our “fate”,
But when something bad happens,
I’ll be there...
7 hours too late.

I’m smiling wide,
But you don’t seem to know,
That I love you more and more,
Everyday my love grows.

The way you light up,
I can’t help but stare,
I close my eyes and hold you tight,
But it seems I’m hugging air

I’ve climbed out of my body,
To remember this beautiful night,
The way we danced and sang,
Under the fall moonlight.

And here I sit, still smiling,
But my grin is one of despair,
Because you are smiling at her,
And I’ll just always be there.

Today I drove past your house,
For a moment I thought I would scream,
For a moment I thought I knocked on your door,
Just like in my dreams.

The road felt like my own veins, winding throughout my body to keep me moving, to keep me alive.
I pull over,
Turn off the engine,
Hands tense around the steering wheel.
Eyes closed, I am taken back to the midnight conversations and coffee orders and that photo of us.
Oh, that photo of us.

Suddenly, I am home.

Sitting in my driveway, the time has passed me like a summer’s love affair: quick and disappointing. My knuckles clench until they glow white.

Nothing can change how I feel,
No highway hypnosis or holistic home remedy can heal this hurt.

Today I drove past your house and

Suddenly, I’m home.

I’m sitting in class,
And I don’t know the solution ,
The teacher sees me struggling,
She’s aware of my confusion.

I stay after class,
She knows I’m really trying,
So when I don’t raise my hand,
I suppose she thinks I’m lying.

I really don’t know the answer,
I’m really just confused,
But it seems she wants to shame me,
So the class can be amused.

Four problems in a row,
But I guess she isn’t done,
After every “I don’t know”
She says, “you’ll do the next one”

I can hear the class laughing,
And a crimson shade comes to my face,
And I wonder why I feel so ashamed,
In what was my “safe space”

I want to be great, I want to paint, draw, sing, play guitar, juggle and dance.

I want to run a half long marathon, achieve greatness when I have the chance.

But with only 24 hours a day, I fear it can’t be done.

I want to travel, see the world, be successful and have fun.

But here I sit at home, when I should go on a run, it seems I am a jack of all trades,

But a master of none.

I feel like I’m losing a friend,
It started off slow,
Faded like your favorite t-shirt,
After one too many wash cycles.

Like the stretch of an overused rubber band,
Losing its resilience,
It’s snap,
It’s ability to bounce back.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the t shirt,
Going through the same cycle,
Over and over,
And expecting different results.

Like the shirt’s need to be clean,
Is my need for validation,
To not hurt your feelings,
To make me feel better about myself.

But I no longer care,
How you feel,
What you do,
Or who you do it with.

I made it through one last wash cycle,
One more strip of my colors,
My identity,
But somehow I came out brighter than ever.

I wasn’t afraid to die,

I live my life,
In my suburban town,
In my clean community,
And life is fine.

I go to school,
And have my friends,
And hang out on the weekends,
And we go to the mall.

But one day I go to school,
And I’m standing at my locker,
And I hear what sounds like fire crackers,
And it isn’t the Fourth of July.

I hear a scream down the hall,
And I see my friends,
And I see my teachers,
And I see my life flash before my eyes

I was never afraid to die

I look around and run,
And go as fast as my legs can carry me,
And I want my parents to know,
I was never afraid to die,

Until it happened to me.

Left headphone

We walk hand in hand,
Stride after stride,
Slapping on the cement
To the sound of the song.

We stood there content,
Sharing an iced coffee,
And a heart,
Beating in perfect harmony.

But my playlist changed,
From pop anthems to the blues,
And  two straws turned to one,
And I faced the music.

But now I put my left ear bud in,
it doesn’t seem to fit,
Because it once belonged to someone,
Who doesn’t want to listen anymore

I tried to sing to you,
But the TV drowns me out,
I belt, I scream, I shout,
But you turn it up louder.

I tried to give you my poem,
But to you, it doesn’t matter,
You leave my heart there to shatter,
And you just look away.

I painted you a mural,
Of pretty hues of violet and blue,
But my work is used to amuse,
You say Picasso will always be better.

I tried to love you,
But now I doubt I know the meaning,
My heart must need some spring cleaning,
Because I don’t know how to use it anymore.

My British beauty
Practically perfect,
Positively poised,
Delicate but strong,
Gentle but fierce.
My British beauty,
When they spat in your face
And told you no,
You told them not,
But showed them what you could.
My British beauty,
Sculpted a family with her bare hands
Took from herself to give to us,
Molding and changing with time
Time is cruel.
Time takes everything you have- and then some.
My British beauty,
When they took your brain,
Your memory and life
You fought to hold on
I wanted you to hold on.
Please just hold on.
My British beauty,
Becausy first it was times and dates,
But now you can’t recognize my face.
My British beauty,
I know you’re hurting
But he is hurting too
You are a prisoner in your own mind
And he can not find the key
My British beauty,
He could not save you,
Not from this,
You left and so did a part of him.
My British beauty,
When he tells me not to fall in love,
That the pain of loss is too much,
My British beauty
I remind him of what you left,
family,
Because it is not what you lost, it’s what is left to love,
My British beauty,
No matter where you go,
On Earth or the heavens above.
My British beauty,
You will always be home.

It’s Mother’s Day in the graveyard,
And many are at home,
Families and friends,
But these women rest alone.

She was the mother of your children,
Your dear, beloved wife,
But no one in the world,
Can love her back to life.

Just in case you change,
I’ll leave the photos behind,
Maybe you can see,
When I lost what was mine.

Maybe, just in case you change,
Ill leave some nail polish remover,
Because I feel lost when I look at your hands,
The claws that you manuever.

Perhaps, just in case you change,
You could go inside my head,
Because maybe you would help me understand,
How you left me instead.

I know, you’ll never change,
You’ll just leave me in the dirt,
Forget about our history,
Leave me here to hurt.

I know he loves me,
That I am sure,
And when I’m sad,
He is my cure.

We talk and talk,
And time keeps going by,
And I know that when he sees a tear,
He’s sad to see me cry.

Swallowing me in a warm embrace,
I pray it never will end,
Because I know he loves me.....
As a friend.

My Frustration builds with every step,
Every breath I take,
My jaw is clenched so hard ,
I fear my teeth will break.

My hands drawn into fists,
Fingernails cutting my skin,
I take a deep breath,
Do not to allow it in.

I hate Frustration,
Everyday and every night,
I can’t slow down the feeling,
And I try with all of my might.

You might think that I am ready to punch,
That I am someone to fear,
But when I try I swing and miss,
And cry a single tear.

How many likes am I worth?
How many swipe rights can I get,
How many super honest, friendly people,
Have I ever met?

Lights, camera, caption,
trying to reach my goal,
40,000 subscribers!
Take my instagram poll!

Should I post this selfie?
I might delete it soon,
thought that I looked cute,
but it sure wont make him swoon.

I have refreshed my page,
50 times since the start,
the want for more likes,
is tearing me apart

If I get 1,000 followers,
I will feel complete,
Does what I say matter
without a single retweet?

You were quiet,
And I was loud,
You were amazing,
And I was proud.

You barely spoke once a day,
And I could talk forever,
But most days we didn't need to speak,
As long as we were together.

Because it was what you didn't say,
so worthwhile yet small,
Those are the whispers,
that made me love you at all.

I do or I do not
are the answers to the question
yes or no?
To a an inquisitive expression

He looks at me, eyes watering,
"well? you are making me nervous"
The next moment flashes before me eyes,
a wedding cake and church service.

I want to scream "yes"
but the words don't seem to flow
with a quivering chin,
I strangle out a "no"

I meant to say, "I am not ready"
"I really am flattered..."
Instead I just sit there,
Leaving his heart scarred and tattered.

I guess now we are over,
Love is a funny thing,
It never truly can happen,
without accepting the ring.

She was a guitar string,
Perfectly in place,
Going along with every beat,
Perfectly manicured face.

But then she started to twist and turn,
Something didn’t sound right,
She didn’t go with the beat,
That was her final night.

No one ever noticed,
The guitar string trap,
Because sometimes to get in perfect tune,
They leave you there to
              Snap.

There isn’t enough time,
I spend most days chasing the clock,
Before my muscles still,
And my achey bones begin to lock

I try and try and try,
To win  Life’s race,
But I felt time stop,
With every new wrinkle on my face.

Is there a word for days,
That seem to last for weeks?
A day that takes a life time,
And brings hot anger to your cheeks.

And what about a day,
With a tight feeling in your chest,
Where panic is your neighbor,
And fear is your house guest.

But what about an inbetween day,
Full of counting sheep,
Where you mind stays wide awake,
While your body begs for sleep.

But you rubbed off on me,
Like cheap metal does on
Fingers.
And even when you leave,
Your bad habits seem to
Linger.

In the small hours of the morning,
Over the putter patter of rain,
There is a girl who hears them speak ,
And gladly does refrain.

She could not see what the world saw,
She sees not in black and white,
But in a vibrant vivid shade,
Radiating with light.

Music was her therapist,
The baseline was her friend,
And the chorus was a fantastic day,
You didn't want to end.

Because even on the coldest nights,
Music was always there,
And even in this mad mad world,
Music was always fair.

It was there from start to finish,
To when the day was done,
Through sleet, snow and wind,
Or on a dazzling island in the sun.

And as this girl continues,
But does not know what to say,
She can just sigh and know,
It is time to press play.