The darkness lurking
Gnawing and irking
Eating away at my soul

Peace has gone
With nowhere to return
Life is dull
With no concern

Blacken heart
Shattered hopes
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to cope

The happiness once felt
Turns to stone
Living life now
Turned to rotting bone

My brightest wish
Now fading
The worry and sorrow
Now hating

Wishing things would birth anew
The happiness and joy
I once knew

My life was empty and uneventful.
Then you walk right into my heart.
The world turned to color.
And I rose out of my rut.

My life turned happy.
Though I could not believe it.
My heart grew to love.
And to why I'll never know.

You came to me when my heart ached.
Patched it up and made it new.
You loved me for the way it looked.
But how do I know you truly do.

My heart starts to ache watching these things.
Things that appear to prove you don't.
My breathing fastens as my heart beats.
How do I ask you about this?

I wonder painfully about the thoughts.
That keep poking into my heart.
I ask myself the question that I fear.
Is he really doing this or not?

Be still thy beating heart
For the damage will fade
It may be deafening now
But time heals all wounds

The darkness you feel
will surely brighten
The anger that burns
will surely dim

Be gentle thy sorrowed chest
For the pain is but nigh
Peace will find you swiftly
If only you rest a while

Though now it feels
Like the heart was ripped
Straight out of your swollen chest
Rest assured it was only a flicker

A flicker of love that was doused
With the waters of rejection
The pain will slowly dissipate
If only you let it heal

Be swift thy healing words
For soon it might be too late
For if this damaged heart remain
Surely the beating will stop

Best thing about DID
Is the Alters who take the trauma
That the host can't handle
For it pains the host too much

Trauma that is forgotten
The memories and pain
All forgotten
In the blink of an eye

Today another is born
To take the most painful of memories
Ones of betrayal, lies and deceit
Of the one the host wants in life

Love that is non fleeting
Love that brings pain
Love that is so sorrowful
That it can rip the host apart

So here I stay
For the host to remain safe
I have been created
To burden this grief

Though not many know
What DID is and how it works
It's easy to learn
If you do some research

Today we talk
With the one the host loves
But there is a time limit
For I go to eternal slumber in a week

His choice is what determines my fate
Whether I go to sleep
Or if I get melded back into the host
My only wish is he chooses wisely

Cause even though
Eternal slumber sounds nice
It is a torture
Like none other

I will be in a constant nightmare
Thrashed into repeating this event
Over and over
Till I finally crack

I’m breaking down
My heart beats hurt
I can’t contain it for much longer
It just keeps building and building

The harder I push it down
The harder it pushes back
And I break down in tears
Bawling my eyes out

All I do is think about him
Even with music blasting in my ears
The thoughts race by without stop
He’s all that’s on my mind

I miss him so much
I don’t know what to do
I shove my head into music and games
Yet it doesn’t work

I’m up late into the night
Constantly thinking what will happen
What if things were different
If the situation was different

Would we have actually became a couple
Or would this have still happened
I’m trying so hard for him
To just be his friend through this time

But the more time that passes
The greater the pain becomes
And I wonder to myself
Did I fall in love?

Is that why this hurts so much
Is that why I can’t help but miss him
Why he is constantly on my mind
Running circles around my distractions

I’m honestly afraid of the next time I see him
What if I run inwards and cause the body to faint
What if I run to him and kiss him?
What about a deeply felt bear hug?

Would he hate me?
It’s petrifying to think about
And each outcome is just painful
I’m so afraid to tell him

Afraid to say what’s on my mind
About how much this hurts
About my feelings for him
About how much I miss him

Should I cave and tell him?
Or should I bare the pain a bit longer
Letting the fates dictate
What is to come

I need answers
But I know that no one can give them
It has to come from me
Whatever my mind and heart decide

The angels hear the cry of the wolf
The tears run down the child's face
Fear takes hold and dissipates
For truth of life eternal grace

Peace on earth the holy part
Angels sing a ballad gold
Hear the cry of sovereign bold
Joy to all a hallowed song

See the beauty shine so bright
Heaven comes swiftly through the night
Singing songs of grace and light
Truth be told we are but life

We see beauty all around
Familial bonds they hold so tight
The angels cheer as grace sings her song
Calling back the ancient souls

See the beauty of her sound
Locks of golden red hue
The son calls all those souls so pure
Wishing for all to hear this tune

Come back to the light of divinity
Stay clear of the darkest night
Peace be still in majestic flight
Eternal grace and love of all

Death be swift in consuming this angel
For the pain is too great for it to bear
The pure being of love and joy
Now rotting with sorrow and misery

Fear taking hold of the angels mind
Causing delusions of demons’ cry
Running around in a circle
Trying to hide from the pain

Anguish takes hold in the angels heart
Causing burning and stabbing within the chest
He clenches tightly to hold it back
Till finally it bursts with full impact

Tears run down this once perfect face
Tears like acid burning the flesh
Looking up at the one who caused it
The angel whispers I love you still

Though the angel is in great pain
All the angel knows is how to love
He was not taught how to hate
But to love with his whole being

The age of betrayal
Unbefitting of a king
Passed down from gen to gen
The curse of never-ending pain

Solitude takes hold
As trust runs dry
The knifes of many
To heavy to bare

Seconds turn to hours
Time slips away
The ache in the heart
Remains to this day

Years go by
The suffering never ceases
Knives remain stuck
In this target on our back

Ever so casually
It grows bigger and bigger
Soon taking over
So nothing else remains

Betrayal hurts the most
From those you hold so dear
For when their knife slips in
Your heart shatters in two

You say no one cares
You say that there's no one who wants you
No one that needs you around
But I have to ask

Are you blind?
Did you not see my gaze?
Did you not feel my touch?
Did you not sense my feelings?

Did I not voice them to you?
Did you not hear my cry?
Did you not savor my speech?
Am I invisible?

I ask you simply
Am I not enough?
Should I wait in the shadows?
For your glancing touch?

Should I hide and wait?
For something that may never be?
Should I run for the hills?
Never to be seen again?

Why can you not see?
That I was there all along.
Wanting your touch.
Wanting your gaze.

You run around
Talking to all
But here I sit waiting
For you to finally see

See my heart
Laying upon this platter
Beating so softly
Until no more

The thought of love at first sight
Most believe to be false
The longing one feels
The passion in their hearts

Unbearable pain
From loss of their presence
Churning and tugging
Their heartstrings entwine

Undeniable to the heart
Naked to the eye
We pull ourselves along
Hoping for the thought

Of gazing in ones eyes
As they casually walk by
The heart flutters and aches
For their tender embrace

Echoing through my heart
The beat of the drums
Pounding louder
Filling my lungs with ecstasy

Passion burning
Thy turmoil spilling
Overflowing the cup
Life is bliss

The echos grow louder
Sparking the candle
Igniting the flame
And sending us higher

Mellow does the beats flow
The drums go silent
Life stands still
The darkness sets in

Silence fills the air
The fountain of life
Flowing waters of gold
Cease to exist

In this world of pain and torment
We ask ourselves..
Is it really worth it?

This life of crime
This life of hate
The world unbound
In a suicidal state

Run around in circles
Hear the echoes of tormented souls
Race beyond compassion
There is no love

Hunting the lifeless bodies
Of those who once believed
The endless amount one could show
How much they cared

The darkness has risen
No more love to show
The darkness takes flight
Compassion is all but dead

Life can be cruel
But just look beyond it
The light shines so bright
As the world comes to an end

Remember the passion
The life we all once knew
Where our imaginations could bring us
Everlasting love

Fight for a new day
One we can all enjoy
Embrace the horrors
Of a world thats brand new

Breathe in the light
Of a thousand new born stars
For the love has come back
The time is now

The gift of eternity
And the passions that we share
The life of a baby
And the hope of a brighter tomorrow

As you get further down in life
You start to wonder what the point is
You start to question reality
You start to feel there’s no reason

Like happiness doesn’t exist
And that everyone around you
Is just pretending to be joyful
And expects the same from you

They expect you to forget the past
Forget where you came from
What drove you mad
What caused you so much pain

And I try but to no avail
Life was simple til that day
When the trauma took hold
And destroyed my mind

Now the only salvation
Is the one who caused it
But I’m starting to think
My peace will never come

The longer I wait
The worst it gets
Pretty soon
I’ll be called a loon

Is it too much to ask
For a chance at redemption
To calm the waters
And regain what was lost

I’m starting to think so
The more it goes on
The deeper I go
Into the madness

It won’t be long now
Reality is shifting
Things are moving
The shadows are alive

I’m broken
Far beyond repair
Now my only hope
Is for them to be there

I can no longer breathe
The air which kept me alive
Is now but carbon dioxide
Burning my lungs to ash

I fear what is to come
I fear what has happened
I fear what is happening
But most of all I fear not having you

My state of mind has gotten so bad
That the simple task of eating
Is making me sick
I don’t know how much longer I can go on

My heart maybe stone now
But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel anything
The pain that was there already
Is trapped inside

It’s spiraling out of control
Pushing me to the verge of destruction
The meds I take are no longer working
And I fear going to sleep

For when I try
I can’t sleep for long
I wake a few moments later
Terrified for my life

These night terrors are getting worse
And it’s so hard to look past them
There’s darkness all around
Destroying me from inside out

Ever slowly the winds do change
I become numb to everything
Hoping for a change
For you to return

But honestly I feel
That I am holding on
To a pipe dream
That will never come true

My heart cries out
My soul bleeds for you
It feels like I will die
From just one more *****

I hope for you to see
The damage that has been done
So maybe you will understand
What I’m going through

So take the time to listen
Don’t interrupt or run
Cause in order for me to get through this
I have to be honest with you

I lay here
Crying myself to sleep
While you are off galavanting
With whoever you want

You don't see the tears
Because I hide them too well
Been that way
For many many years

Oh how I wish
That you could understand
The crippling pain
That I am in

But alas you are blind
By this new love you found
Brushing me aside
So you may chase what you can't have

They are in a relationship
And you are trying to ruin that relationship
Just so you can have them
But you don't even see what's in front of you

Oh how I long
For you to see me
To see how much I care
To see how deep my love runs

But that will never happen
You will remain blind
Cause you refuse to open
Your eyes to anything

I fell
head first
Into the quiver
Of Cupid

For the first time
I feel as though I'm free
Free to laugh, smile and joke
Free to be the true me

So long have I been hiding
So long has it been
Since the sky has graced my sight
So long since life filled me

Warmth
Safety
Comfort
Things that should be there

All rush forward
Seeing the light for the first time
Feeling the warmth of it's glow
The comfort it brings

Eyes grow wide
As the mind comes to realization
Maybe this is real
Maybe you are finally whole again

Reaching out with a simple gesture
Grazing against such a familiar touch
Feeling the warmth grow hotter
Seeing a smile for the first time

Things long forgotten
Finally risen to the surface
The familiarity of this presence
Gentle brush of ones true self

Shell has now crumbled
Lost forever in the void
No longer needed
By this one true self

Words colliding
Splitting the wall
Breaking free the chains do fall

Echoes not the silence held past
For now the words
Do fill the last

Hello?
Is there anybody out there?
Its so lonely inside my soul..
I'm calling out to you..

Oh wandering angel?
Will you hear my call?
Seek me out and find
This tortured being inside

Hello?
Is there anybody listening?
My soul is getting cramped
Theres no more room to run
No room to hide..

Hello?
Can you hear me?
Please come rescue me soon
There only so much more I can take
Before I crack

Hello?
Are you here to save me?
The door seems to be wielded shut..
Can you break down these walls?

Theres destruction all around.
The walls come tumbling down.
Are you my angel?
Are you here to rescue me?

My heart is broken
Doesn't seem like it will be fixed
The pain is too much
It hurts to exist

My chest feels
Like a ton of cement
Is weighing it down
Threatening to crush

I wish I knew how
To bare this pain
But I fear it's too late
That my times almost up

My love is so strong
But it feels like it's a joke
Thoughts run rampid
Pushing to suicide

I don't know how much longer
I can push these thoughts down
Hoping that something will change
And that it will be alright

But the more these thoughts
Run wild inside my mind
The harder I find
To stay alive

Thoughts that seem almost
To be imagined
Like what really happened
With my love

What happened with my sanity
I feel it's already gone
Running amuck inside my head
Causing delusional thoughts

I hate to say it
But I fear I won't last
This trial that seems to last
For a million eternities

Do I run and hide
Or do I stay and fight
But also if I do stay
What if it's not me

What if it's someone else
What if I'm not picked
What happens then
Cause I can't stand that pain

These thoughts keep racing
Causing paranoia and misery
Should I just give in
And let my thoughts win

It keeps getting worse and worse
I just wish it would stop
Though I don't see that
Happening anytime soon

The love I have
It hurts too much
So I don't know
If I'll survive

I just wish someone
Would rip out my heart
And stop the pain
So maybe I can

**** thy nature of sorrow and doom
In thy wake of weakness and gloom
Thy love of darkness thy unchanging loyalty
Thy passionate care of the star light night

Unto each and everyone's soul
Thy darkness burns bright
For when thy world ends
It will be a wondrous sight

It hurts to have your heart broken
But when it’s your trust that’s broken
It can be years before you are strong enough
To trust someone else

My trust was broken a few months back
And now that I found another
In which I like so very much
The trust is effecting me

Delusions and hallucinations set in
Causing my mind to panic
I try so hard to push them away
But they keep getting worse

I’m reassured that I’m not a burden
That I’m attractive and liked
But at the same time
My thoughts run ramped

Maybe he’s lying
Maybe he’s talking to other people
Maybe he’s with someone already
Maybe he’s just using you

Maybe he’s seeing multiple people
Maybe he’s this
Maybe he’s that
Thoughts of mistrust running wild

I can’t sleep
I eat everything in sight
Or I don’t eat at all
I cry all the time

I see visions and delusions
Of me cooking him dinner
And someone else coming in
And kissing his cheek calling him babe

And I wonder
Is my head really this bad
Am I going to let the past ruin my future
But yet the hallucinations continue

Visions of him holding someone else
Visions of me saying just take me home
Visions of me breaking down and crying
Visions of me that I wish to unsee

Cause you see
I like this guy
So very much
But this mistrust

Has got to stop
It will eat me alive
And it’s not fair to him
To compare him with the past

Resign in death for thy soul to burn
Thy agonizing sorrow has yet un-twine
As time flies by across the heart which bursts
Thy burning desire

The love that thirsts
To which evermore
Grow still thy life and soul collide
To thou heart is of hard cold stone inside
Yet thy warmth alone can't set you free

It maybe time to just let you be
The tears alone can't make you see
All the love for you
In which is inside of thee.

My soul hast gone and yet on fire
The burning remains in its place
Where thy soul has gone

Has left me to wonder
Where is the love
That once made me shudder

The life of a butterfly,
So swift and free yet knows
Its doom is upon it lives free of worry
Sorrow and regret

Oh how I wish for to transform just like a butterfly
To be free of all regrets
Sorrow
Pain and misery

To finally fly without a care in the world
But for not I stay in this dark
Damp chrysalis

Away from all happiness of freedom
Trapped in a never ending nightmare
Of misery and heart ache

Oh how I long to escape this hell
To once again breath
The sweet air of freedom

The tears that fall are just a symbol
The symbol of real love and affection
Some tears are great and yet some are fake
The tears that I was, am and will be shedding are true

These tears are genuine and will be forever
They mean more than anything I can ever say or do
The only question is
do you see?

See these tears that never cease
The tears of sadness and pain
Tears of lost and confusion

And yet
tears of hope
Of love
Of compassion

Tears that wish
That pray
That dream of your return
Tears that beg you to be the only one

The one who cares
Who loves
Who caresses
Who holds

These tears are a blessing
Not just a curse
They tell you that someone cares
That someone love
Someone understands

These tears can only be swept away
Thrown away
Cast out
Banished to oblivion
Only by true love's touch

And yet
True love
Is the hardest
To find.

Everything I wanted
Everything I required
Everything I craved
I now know I will never receive

No matter how much I beg
No matter how hard I try
No matter what I do
My wishes will never come true

My hope has died
I no longer feel the warmth of life
I only feel the cold embrace
Of death

My heart is going numb
My soul feels dead
My mind is on a path
Of complete self destruction

I call out for help
But to no avail
My calls are not heard
By the one who can fix me

My heart rate descends
My fear becoming reality
I’m all alone
With no one to help

I’m alone in these walls
Built for protection
But now all they provide
Is bitter solitude

My mind is caving inward
Threatening to implode
And all I can do
Is sit in my corner and cry

Huddled up tightly
With knees indenting my chest
Tears run down
Staining my skin

Makeup is a mess
I look upward in hopes
Of seeing you care
But alas I’m in solitude

You are no where to be found
And all I can do
Is fight my own mind
To not relapse again

For if I relapse
It will be the final time
No more across the bridge
No more shallow cuts

My life will be forfeit
Just like my heart
Which now rots
Deep inside my chest

Although it still beats
All it feels is pain
So intense it is breaking
Over and over again

Not a day goes by
Where it stops
My heart beats loudly
Hoping for you to come back

But you aren’t coming back
My heart is calling
For something that’s no longer there
And that hurts a hundred times worse

No longer can I keep bearing this pain
No longer can I keep waiting for the impossible
No longer can I destroy myself
So instead I will sacrifice this love

I will use it as an eternal source
For your eternal happiness
I don’t need the ability
To love anymore

Because the only one
I will ever love
Is you
And only you

Sleep now thy peaceful angel
Your wait is finally over
Hunting day and night
For such a wondrous sight

Though normality is overrated
The peace of mind is calmly waited
Reaching through that solid door
The hurt that lasted nevermore

Peaceful slumber
Moving forward
No more pain
No more longing

The heart now trapped
In the melody of souls
Chained forever
High above the tormented fools

All you say is I love you
And that you want to be with me
But all I see is
You eyeing all these girls

I'm sorry I'm not a big chested girls
I'm sorry I was born the wrong gender
I'm sorry I'm not what you want

But I can't change that
Without changing who I am
And honestly
I can't even remember who I am

I feel like both
But that might just be my head
Playing tricks on me
While I fight these illnesses

The Depression and Borderline
Are getting worse and worse
But do you even care about that
I highly doubt that

I silently cry to sleep
Wondering if I am the one
To make you smile or laugh
But then I realize
I'm neither

I pushed away
The one person you wanted
Just because you cheated
And refuse to admit it

I know more than you think
I know all of what you do
And I don't have to read messages
Or hear gossip to see it

It's written all over you
The guilt is eating you alive
The guilt that you aren't with her
And are stuck with me

You go around trying to find bed buddies
While I'm locked up in a mental ward
Saying that I'm psychotic
When anyone would be

After what I went through
After our multiple breakups
After pleading with you multiple times
And the final straw was the anniversary

I don't know how much more I can bend
How much more I can break
How much more heartache I can go through
Before you see that all I love is you

I have stopped eating
And I keep losing weight
I try to be perfect
But I'm never enough

You say I don't need to cross dress
You say that my gender isn't why
But all I can see
is your lust for girls

You aren't Pan
You aren't even Bi
You aren't Demi
You are Straight and in denial

Maybe the only way
For you to truly love me
Is for me to just go with what I thought
And get that surgery

I've thought about it for a while
And I know you say I don't have to change
But I feel I must
In order to stay by our side

In other words
I love you
With all my heart
And I'm willing to die for it

There are times in our lives
Where we wish we could turn back time
We feel out of place
Like we’ve been replaced

Our mind run a muck
While our heart cries out
Begging for a new beginning
But we run and hide

Our minds shatter
We are running out of time
Holding onto the bits that remain
We cry

We beg for renewal
Stammering for approval
Clinging to the hope
We try

Holding fast to the love
That we once knew about
We cling to the hope so tight
We fly

Soaring high in the sky
Searching for approval
Running from the looks
Of denial

Run around the desire
Chasing approval
Holding onto the hope
We cry

Wishing we could turn back time
We beg for approval
We run around in circles
Until we die

We buy a one way ticket
Praying we find the answers
Running from denial
We fly

Chasing approval
Seeking the love
We once knew
We cry

Running in circles
Chasing approval
Hoping we can find
A place to thrive

Running round
And around
And around
We cry

Wishing we could turn back time
Just for one more chance
Just one to get it right
Before we die

We beg for renewal
Stammering for approval
Clinging to the hope
We try

Holding fast to the love
That we once knew about
We cling to the hope so tight
We fly

Soaring high in the sky
Searching for approval
Running from the looks
Of denial

Run around the desire
Chasing approval
Holding onto the hope
We cry

Wishing we could turn back time
We beg for approval
We run around in circles
Until we die

We buy a one way ticket
Praying we find the answers
Running from denial
We fly

Chasing approval
Hoping we can find
A place to thrive
We try

Our minds shatter
We are running out of time
Holding onto the bit that remain
We cry

Wallowing away in my own misery
To be forever tormented
By the demons
That keep me up at night

Surrounded by fear of resentment
The horror of damnation
And the loneliness
Of my own paranoia

Fighting back the tears
That once refused to shed
Now turned to acid
And burn the flesh

Jumping at every sound
As if it were an attacker
Ready to pounce
On my unsuspecting body

Fearing the moment
When you have to leave
The comfort of your home
Just to get food or go to the doctors

Even simple gestures
Can terrify the mind
If it is not nourished
From time to time

The darkness shrouds my mind
Clouding my judgement
Pulling at my fears
Like a torrent

Crashing my body
Ripping the flesh from bone
Like a tsunami
Leaving nothing in its wake

There's a reason I'm an introvert
Why I try so hard to fit in
Why I hate discrimination
Reason I'm so adaptable

I never feel like I'm good enough
I never feel like I'm worthy
Like I matter to anyone
That I'll ever belong

It took me a while
But I accept this now
It's part of who I am
It's a part of my mind

I'd like to think I'm not alone
That I have friends and love ones
That understand what is going on
Inside my head but the truth is

I'm alone
I try to explain
But it gets jumbled
It makes it more confusing

I end up alone
Surrounded by guilt and fear
Surrounded by the need to be accepted
To walk beside my friends

But the more I try
The worse it gets
The more I feel abandoned
The more I feel alone

Trapped behind walls
In which are too high to climb
Too thick to claw through
They surround me

Trapping me in a cell
Making it harder for others to get in
And making it harder for me to reach out
Cause even though I don't act it

Even though I make act otherwise
All I want is to be cared for
To be loved by someone
To be wanted

I'm tired of feeling alone
I'm tired of feeling misunderstood
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep
I'm tired of the night terrors waking me up at night

I'm tired of the fear
The anguish
The resentment
The need

Set me free from this cage
This prison cell that binds me
So that I may finally reach the sky
And be free at least once

The love
Trapped within this crystal heart
Beating it's wings of ever delight
Waiting for the freedom of flight

Shining bright the darkness passes
Burning a hole in the fiendish nightmares
Casting hope of a brighter future
While holding tightly to reality

Across the vast seas of turmoil
The hope of ones love becomes clear
Sending vibes of great fortune
From lands that are foreign

Bright smiles and burning desire
Binding the love upon the souls mast
Casting away the evil grip
Of demons from a long past

This life has had its ups and downs
Met lots of people
Both good and bad
But I feel it’s time for curtains call

I’ve loved and I’ve lost
I’ve sacrificed so much
But there’s only so much
That one can take

I hope that you will all forgive me
For what is about to happen next
Cause I can’t keep doing this
I can’t live with all this pain

I feel so broken
I feel all alone
I wish things were different
But it’s all too much to explain

So I leave you with this
I’m glad I met you all
Some more than others
And one most particular

I love each and every one of you
And I hope that you stay strong
Cause in the end I wasn’t
And that’s my greatest flaw

I bid you all farewell
And I hope to see you again
I’ll always hold onto
All the good times I’ve had

There's a darkness in my heart
And it's starting to break out
The sky starts burning up
Flames of old and flames of new
Burning everything in its path

I can't let go of all the pain
That comes with the world
Maybe it's better to just
End it all right now
I know that you feel the same way too
But that's not how the cards fall down
Push through it all and it will turn around

Scream and shout
Hear my voice across the sky
Beg and plead
Hear the sound of my voice
As it soars across the sky

Where do we go from here
Why do we even care
Where is my love at now
Where have they gone

Scream and shout
Hear my voice across the sky
Beg and plead
Hear the sound of my voice
As it soars across the sky

I'm begging you please don't go
Our story's not over yet
But you don't care

Do you
Do you
Do you

Scream and shout
Hear my voice across the sky
Beg and plead
Hear the sound of my voice
As it soars across the sky

I'm falling on my knees
Begging you please
Won't you stay with me
But off you go
Right out that door

The darkness in my heart
Growing stronger evermore
And as I call out your name
With the last bit of my strength
I call out in love

I'll miss you
I'll miss you
I'll miss you

Flowing down the river
Blackness all around
Is it night?
Or am I just blind

Blind to the love
The hate
The passion of those around me
Or am I seeing the truth

The bleak truth
The truth that love is gone
That all in which remains
Is a burning hate

Holding tight to where my heart once sat
Feeling the burn of pain
Bleeding through the hole
In which was made

Ripping and clawing
I see the truth
No love is here
Only destruction in my wake

When will this end?
When will the light come back
The bright warmth of compassion
The tender embrace of love

My light has been tainted
By the eternal darkness
I’m trying to stay positive
But the darkness is destroying me

I’m wishing for things to change
But I know it will never be the same
I wish I would feel the light
I wish I could feel the touch of your lips

My heart is aching
Begging for you to come back
I wish so bad for your love again
But I’m just by myself

I’m all alone in the darkness
Afraid of the demons
That run around inside my head
Terrorizing me in my dreams

The only light I had
To keep them at bay
Is now gone
And my whole being begs for it back

My love is gone
My heart turning cold
My soul set on fire
Waiting to be set free

I am an empty soul longing for a purpose
To each their life may be love and happiness
But until now is scattered
With darkness and chaos through the vine

And to which is lost but never found
Hast my heart begun to pound
To thus my life and home are a gift

For they do not see the darkness in the shadows
The lurking in my heart and the hurt in my soul

My mask is completely shattered now
I can no longer hide my emotions
I can no longer hide my true feelings
My life has turned upside down

There is no one who can help anymore
I’ve become so broken
That I am now beyond repair
Though I won’t stop you from trying

The mask I use to hide behind
Was cracked and splintered
But I could still hide behind it
But these past few months have shattered it

My life turned into turmoil
Causing misery so great
My soul is beginning to rot
My mind ground into fine dust

My heart aches with every beat
My nights filled with terror and tears
My days filled with loneliness and despair
My dreams turn to vile memories of the past

I lay curled up in a ball
Upon my bed
With my cat trying to comfort
This poor destroyed soul

I question my existence
Asking why I am even alive
When all I attract
Is pain unto myself

This is no way to live
But I no longer have the strength
To mask my true self
Or climb out of this hell by myself

And the one who held my hand
The one who kept me from falling
The one who was able to shine
A light in this eternal darkness

The one who could pull me out
And free me from this misery
Has abandoned me
Or so it feels like it

The darkness turns violent
And I turn down a self destructive path
I continuously ask myself
Why must I be alone

Why must I lose
Everything I hold dear
Why must I be left
To fend for myself

To be without
A shining light
To help me find my way out
Of the ever growing darkness

Maybe I have cursed myself
To never be happy
To only know despair
And lose everything that I love

So I cry myself to sleep
Wishing things would change
Wishing that my light had stayed
So I wouldn’t be so alone

Begging the Gods
To bring my light back
So that I may be able
To survive just one more day

Darkness swirling
Enveloping the senses
Trapping your mind
In an empty void

Lost in thought
Never surfacing
Drowning in sorrow
Fearful of the depths

Flailing around
With no sense of direction
Losing your sanity
In the deadly chasm

Try as you might
You can't see the light
You have sunk too deep
There is no end in sight

You give in
Losing the battle
It takes hold
Ensnaring your heart

Strangling the light
That once filled your heart
Ripping away your walls
Blinding you with fright

The blackness drowns you
Ripping away at your soul
Cursed to oblivion
You accept your fate

Faith is such a touchy subject
Some take it to extremes
While others stay meek and humble
Fighting for the right to coexist

Though your faith may be tainted
With hatred and malice
Look to the past and see
The hatred in your own heart

You say things are done
Out of love and protection
But do your words match
With your actions

Or are you removing your faith
By removing the chance for redemption
For the end of a life through disagreement
Does not state faith but contemptment

See how black your heart has become
See the lives you have destroyed
The pain you are inflicting
All in the name of falsehood disguised as faith

For to take a live in the name of faith
Is the opposition of truth in faith
You act in malice for your brethren
Turning into the very demons you claim to fight

Taking the power into your own hands
Claiming you know more than your God
Turning a blind eye to your so called faith
That turned your soul to molten ash in utter disgrace

Crimson drops
Silent killer
The darkness falls
A Pool of tears

Thy darkest deed
So simple and pure
Thy shallow breath
Gasping for life

Heart beat slows
Death is upon you
For in this darkest hour
Your worst fears come alive

Shadows lurk
In hallowed halls
Terror rises
As they begin to move

Silent forest
So sincere and divine
Casting evil
Where thoughts may lie

Evil begins to flourish
The light all but vanishes
The darkness grows
Upon this devilish night

And in the hallowed halls
Of a once great heart
The beads of deceit
Begin to unfold

Travesty awaits
All who enter
For in this heart of crimson
Lays the demon of defeat

Up in smoke
Fire takes to the sky
Burning brightly from the great beyond
Though I see it I dare not gaze

Burn burn burn
Great pillar of fire
Tread not thy weary soul
Or be ****** for eternity

Though fear itself dare not query
Thy soul divine need not worry
Gazing upon thy holy flame
Thy soul does burn its eternal grace

These nights are changing and as we grow a far
My soul find no happiness in the night time star
My being
a once happy and joyful one

Has now turned to the revolting demon in which we hate
I craved to be with you and still you chose him
I longed for your touch and yet you still touched him
I begged for your loving embrace for just one more time

And yet you just go off to him
The one who doesn't love
The one who manipulates and destroys
The one in which never loved you
But the attention you gave him

Why must this be
When will you see
All I ever did was love to no end
And you pushed me away to be with him
I cry every night

I still dream of his sweet smile
In which had always made me smile and blush
Now only turned into my heart snapping
And me wanting the pain to cease

I ask of thee..
Do I really exist?

All I wanted was a chance
And you can’t give me that
So I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart

It’s not for you anymore
It was meant for someone else
Someone who loves me back
Someone who actually cares

All you did was play with my heart
All you did was toy with my love
I never meant to hurt you
But all you did was use me

I’ll give it to someone special
Someone who sees my worth
Someone who loves me
Someone who won’t break my heart

I see now
That you used me
Beat me down
And abused me

Broke my heart
And toyed with me
Shut me down
And then trapped me

But no more
I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart
I’m done with the abuse

The lying and the use
The toxic love abuse
I’m done with all the pain
I’m done with all the pain

I loved you unconditionally
You said you’d never leave me
Yet here I stand
Begging for you back

But no longer
I’m sick of the abuse
The lies
And all the use

You only cared about me
When I held your body
When I touched your
Ooooooooooooo

And yet you think you loved me
When you don’t even know
What love really is
Your toxic love abuse

Never will I go back
To the lying and the cold shoulder
I’m done with all the pain
I’m taking my love back

I see now
That you used me
Beat me down
And abused me

Broke my heart
And toyed with me
Shut me down
And then trapped me

But no more
I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart
I’m done with the abuse

The lying and the use
The toxic love abuse
I’m done with all the pain
I’m done with all the pain

You left me down and broken
You tossed me aside
You saw the damage you did
And you didn’t even bat an eye

You twisted my love
Used me and abused me
Left me out to dry
But I’m done with all the pain

All your lies and empty promises
Like being forever there
You only went and lost me
This unconditional love

You know when your heart breaks
And you feel empty inside
Void of anything but the loneliness
Trapped in an endless cycle

That’s kind of how I feel
When you are gone
I try so hard to understand
But I keep coming to the same reasoning

I’m lost without you
Spiraling into the abyss
Fighting to stay afloat
But around you it’s a different story

Everytime I’m around you
It feels like the world stands still
I’m filled with endless joy
And all the darkness fades

Listening to your heart beat
Is the most soothing thing
In the world to me
It’s why I lay on your chest so much

Feeling the touch of your skin
Underneath my fingertips
Hearing you talk and joke around
Even your scent brings me joy

I truly am happy when I’m around you
And yes there are times
That my head goes dark
But with one touch they vanish

I long for the day
That I can call you mine again
I want to give you
The same peace you give me

I want to see you smile again
To hear your laughter
To feel the joy you have when we embrace
To feel the love again

I want that more than anything in the world
You know this to be true
And I’m sorry it’s all I ever think about
I know it’s a touchy subject

I just want to rekindle what we had
And I know you did at one point too
I don’t know if you still do
But I am willing to try

I want to risk everything for you
I want a second chance with you
Even if you set rules I will obey
Cause all I want is to be able to lay next to you

To greet you when you come home
From a hard days work
With dinner on the table
And your favorite scented candle

To make you feel like
When you step into the house
You aren’t just coming back from work
You are walking into a loving home

Fractured vision
Tear stained cheeks
Aching hearts
Shaking fists

Depression and anger
Mixed together
In a deadly fire
Waiting to ignite

Bursting at the seams
Pushing through the pain
Of a misery
That’s threatening to ****

Crashing and thrashing
Punching and flailing
Wishing things would change
That things would be better

Pushing down emotions
Being replaced by burning
Most agonizing feeling
Of being lost in the moment

Losing the sight
Not seeing what the point is
Breaking down into rubble
Swaying back and forth

Tears burst the dam
Rushing down the cheeks
Salt taste upon the lips
Nails digging into shoulders

Knees clenched to the chest
Screaming out for help
Yet nothing calls out
There is no help to come

The meds that help
Have stopped working right
And now a crumbled mess
Lays upon the floor

Asthma attacks ensue
Panic and anxiety spike
Dissociation happens
All is lost

How are you suppose to make it
When life keeps pushing you down
Your head starts spinning
Sending thoughts of dread

You start to fear
The tears form in your eyes
You can’t control it anymore
And they explode from your face

Face down in a pillow
You weep so suddenly
Feeling like a weight
Is pushing you under the sea

You start to wonder
If you ever belonged
And doubt the reasons
To stay alive anymore

You wish for something
To pull you out of it
To bring you back to the surface
But nothing comes to your aid

Feeling lost and abandoned
You feel alone
Grabbing at anything
That gives you the slightest hope

But nothing helps
You stop taking your meds
You don’t see the point
When they are just making it worse

You lost your boat
In the sea of torment
The demons grab
And pull you down further

You try to scream
To call out for help
But they have you by the throat
So no sound escapes

You think to yourself
When will this end
But there in lies the issue
There is no rescue

There is no way back
No arms will reach
No one to bring you back
To the surface to breath

So you drown in your own misery
Brought into you by years of torment
You curse yourself
Wishing you were dead

Darkness
Such a pleasant comfort
Void of sight
Where demons lay

Void of the pain
The loneliness
The despair of seeing reality
And bending to it's will

Blinded in life
We walk the narrow path
Hiding from ourselves
And the people around us

Darkness
Our only true friend
One that presents honesty
One that never judges

The hope we get
The joy it brings
The desire we seek
It can only bring

Living in darkness
It brings such bliss
But we all have to face
The bitter reality

The bitter truth that
Darkness is fleeting
The bliss we feel
Is slowly dying

We lose that comfort
That safe blanket
We all wrap in
And gaze upon the bitterness

The sour taste of reality
One so bleak we cringe
One so dank we cry
The loneliness returns more bitter

We reach out for a bit of hope
We seek those who can help
Ones that have beaten the shock
The desire of companionship

Yet in reality out demons awake
The ones we can keep in check
With the darkness that once surrounded
Are now peering with hungry eyes

Weaving mistrust and fear in our heads
Paving a path of self destruction
We fight hard but some lose hope
Some lose the battle and become cruel

The hope we cling to
That we ourselves can fight on
To prevent such a fate
To happen to ourselves

But in the end
Few survive
The ones that do
Are tortured with that knowledge

The knowledge that they have won
That they have defeated their demons
And come out the victor
Only to see the pain of those around

...Dead hearts for dead hope...

The angels of Darkness
Surround our souls
And free the pain
In which never died...

...The love in which
We once knew is gone
Forevermore
No hope for it will never come back...

...Thy heart and soul are dead
So why must thy body live?
It is a curse...
A plague...

...One that spreads like wild fire
Till nothing is left...
Heartache and misery
To be one with us for all eternity...

...The heart no longer can be free
To love and cherish
It will only die...

With each passing day
This heart grows weaker
Burning itself up
In the flames of despair

Longing for something
That will never be
It rips and tears
Bleeding out it’s cries

As the heart inflates
The burning intensifies
Threatening to stop the heart
And end the life of the one who hold it

Buckling over in agony
From the pain deep within their chest
Crying out for some kind of relief
As tears run down their face

The pain intensifies so greatly
That the heart starts to falter
Missing beats and becoming unbalanced
As the blood builds up inside

Steadily with each day that passes
The body gets colder
Fearing that it’s coming to an end
They clench their chest tightly

Heavy breaths escape their lips
As it gets harder and harder to breathe
The heart is failing
And only one thing can set it free

But alas this thing
In which can set the heart free
May never happen
And if it might the chances are slim at best

Collapsing onto the floor
The body crumbles into a heap
The heart pulsing loudly
As it sounds it’s last beats

Tears run dry
As the body turns stiff
The heart stops pumping
As the eyes turn cloudy

Far from which this has occurred
The one who can stop it is unaware
Whether they are ignorant to the fact
Or simply wishes to ignore

This love that’s inside
This failed heart was real
As well as the pain
That it had endured

So weep if you care
For it is now too late
You have missed your chance
To save the one you need