I got a million voices inside my mind
Voices that scream and shout
That everything is turning to ****
And I don’t know why

Momma said everything will be alright
Daddy said I have to fight
But they don't understand what it’s like
To be the outcast of a family like mine

I scream and shout
But no sound comes out
Voices echoing all the time
They’re getting so loud

They say take a pill
Everything will be alright
But they don’t hear the voices
They don’t know what’s inside my mind

The torment
The anguish
The paranoia
The questioning

Stuck on a loop
I can’t get out
Turn around
And I get spun round

Take this pill they say
It will make you better
But they don’t understand
That pills just a bandaid

You want me to **** the child inside
Well guess what that child is gonna fight
Battling the demons inside
It’s getting stronger and stronger

The torment
The anguish
The paranoia
The reckoning

The child’s found it’s purpose
The child understands
Connecting all the pieces
Of this shattered mind

There’s a war inside our minds
In our body and our souls
Making the angels weep
As we dance a ballad gold

Removing all the torment
Those pills are just a lie
They cover up the wounds
But never heal the pain

You think that I am crazy
You think that I’m insane
Well maybe I just have pieces
That you can’t understand

Those pills are a lie
They cover up the wounds
But they can never heal the pain
That’s buried within my mind

The longing for peace
The want of serenity
The love undying
The beauty within

These things create life
They blossom at the child's feet
Removing the darkness
That once sought to reap

The child sings a ballad gold
As they dance with beauty divine
Dancing for the lord on high
Eternal and undying in the grace of light

To be inspired
It can come in many forms
It can come from a friend
It can come from an event

Be it little
Or be it big
It matters not
For all can be magnificent

To be inspired
Creates the most beautiful
Works of art
Or even a better solution

Inspiration can come from anything
It's all about how you look at it
For to be inspired
Is but thinking outside the box

It drives us to create
It drives us to destroy
It can be beautiful or deadly
Yet no matter what it fills you with emotion

I have walked this world
Full of lies and deceit
Longing for truth to be told
Only to be met with shame

The lies told hide what's inside
The pain we bury
The heartache that breaks us
We cling to false hope

Hoping to not be found out
Hiding all our pain guilt and shame
Making false connections
Wishing to not be discovered

And yet those around me
Those who listen and see my truth
Will always voice their own insecurities
Without even being asked

I feel the emotions
That others bury underneath
The pain and anguish
The hatred and resentment

Though I feel it
I keep to myself
The forgotten safe
Of hidden trauma

Karma such beauty divine
Such majestic grace
Always there when you least expect
Graceful does her limbs sway

As she passes such judgement
Protector of the meek
Destroyer of the wicked
Such divine wisdom

Her judgement final
None can escape her gaze
For she sees all
In between fantasy and reality

The eternal one
The unseen
The grace
Oh so impartial

Blessing those with hearts so pure
Cursing those who harm the innocent
None surpass her for she is in all
Watching the deeds of mortal and God

High above the fates power
She dictates all
Yet does not interfere
For you reap what you sow

It may not be right away
It may not be in this life
For Karma takes her time
Ensuring you feel a wrath

That transcends time and space
For Karma is a *****
Yet Karma can be gentle
You just have to be patient

The art of zen
So serene and peaceful
One with all
One with none

The breath so natural
The happiness so true
The life so blissful
Ever gentle and surreal

Thy love of grace
Blesses unto thee
The life of peace
Eternal in it's moments

The sound of nature
The sound of peace
The songs in the wind
The smells all around

They fill your nose
Comforting the lost souls
Bringing peace
Where none can be found

The spark of light
Shining brightly with grace
The truth of love eternal
For the darkness

The joy of laughter
The joy of peace
The joy of love
The joy of freedom

The joy of love untethered
The joy of children playing
The joy of children laughing
The joy of children singing

The love of life
The love of death
The love of peace
The love of sorrow

Running around with darkness
Walking hand in hand
Forever entwined with life
Solemn vow of grace

The spark of darkness
Such wonder of mystery
Such sorrow and misery
Such pain and torment

The darkness inside us all
We feel the sorrow of others
We feel the sorrow of ourselves
We long for peace from the torment

We long for freedom to ring
We long for the light
We long for life
We cling to life as though needed

We wish for peace to ring
We long for life
We no longer wish to walk in darkness
But have a chance at redemption

A chance to grace love
A chance to end the genocide
A longing for life to blossom
A longing for loyalty to reign

A chance for life and love
A chance for liberty
A chance to sing in rejoice
A chance to be free from our torment

Thy spark of loyalty
Blissful as you are
The radiance of your joy
The infectiousness of your laugh

You are the bond of truth
You go with love eternal
For without loyalty
Love can never flourish

Thou flames of blue
Thou hue of silver
Thou cyan glow
Thou embers of gold

Thou shine so bright
For truth can see
No other but thou
Is meant for thee

Thy wishful longing
Thy wish comes true
For thou has gifted
Thou soul to thee

Thy soul is yours
Thy spark of love eternal
Thy grace of love
Joins with thou spark of loyalty

For loyal love is most true
It is protective
It is caring
It is that of a mother

It is kind
It is understanding
It is patient
It is graceful

Thou has proven thou loyalty
The playful fox of beauty
Thy slumbering angel
Thou heart of empathy

I am a free spirit
You cannot catch thee
I have no chains
No bounds placed on me

Running around and enjoying
All the scenes and scenery
Beauty is all around us
You just have to wait and see

Look at the moments
That peace are unto thee
The beauty and the sound
Just take a moment

And look to the sky
The clouds they form
Such magical designs
The earth so serene

The flowers they smell so divine
Their beauty and radiance
They can never be unseen
So delicate yet so full of life

Everything that you love
Holds you tightly through the night
Ensuring a peaceful slumber
And a bright new tomorrow

The angels hear the cry of the wolf
The tears run down the child's face
Fear takes hold and dissipates
For truth of life eternal grace

Peace on earth the holy part
Angels sing a ballad gold
Hear the cry of sovereign bold
Joy to all a hallowed song

See the beauty shine so bright
Heaven comes swiftly through the night
Singing songs of grace and light
Truth be told we are but life

We see beauty all around
Familial bonds they hold so tight
The angels cheer as grace sings her song
Calling back the ancient souls

See the beauty of her sound
Locks of golden red hue
The son calls all those souls so pure
Wishing for all to hear this tune

Come back to the light of divinity
Stay clear of the darkest night
Peace be still in majestic flight
Eternal grace and love of all

Throughout my life
I have seen love blossom
In many forms
Both romantic and platonic

Longing for a love of my own
Hoping to taste the sweet ambrosia
Of a love unbound by societal restraints
A love so true it surpasses gravity

It took so long to realize
That love is all around me
In the air we breathe
The water we drink

The friends we meet
The family that we cherish
The pets we take care of
The sunrise and sunset

We take the small moments
In our lives for granted
When these are the truth
They are the moments where love shines

So take the time
Smell the roses
Take in the small moments
And embrace the love unconditional

Belief systems are fundamental
There are many faiths around the world
With none that are superior or less
For belief is through the heart

Forcing another to denounce their faith
Is like forcing someone to remove themselves
Faith is as unique as the soul itself
Built through trust and adoration

We are all set on different paths
It's not a competition
It's not about supremacy
It's all about the heart's desire

Seeing is believing
That's what I was always taught
Yet there are things in this world
That the eyes can't see

The thoughts inside someone's head
The air we breathe
The love that links us all
As we are but one in the great scheme

We build and adapt
Growing stronger still
For the youth inherit the world
So why destroy it with a vicious blast

You may wish for your God or Goddess
You may believe in nothing
And that is your faith
Not to be forced but to be cherished

Faith is such a touchy subject
Some take it to extremes
While others stay meek and humble
Fighting for the right to coexist

Though your faith may be tainted
With hatred and malice
Look to the past and see
The hatred in your own heart

You say things are done
Out of love and protection
But do your words match
With your actions

Or are you removing your faith
By removing the chance for redemption
For the end of a life through disagreement
Does not state faith but contemptment

See how black your heart has become
See the lives you have destroyed
The pain you are inflicting
All in the name of falsehood disguised as faith

For to take a live in the name of faith
Is the opposition of truth in faith
You act in malice for your brethren
Turning into the very demons you claim to fight

Taking the power into your own hands
Claiming you know more than your God
Turning a blind eye to your so called faith
That turned your soul to molten ash in utter disgrace

We go through life
Thinking we are just fine
Then suddenly out of the blue
Our inner demons attack

They drag us down
While smiling those evil grins
Hoping to turn us into
Copies of the tragic past

We long for the days of old
Where our thoughts are pure
The joy of freedom
Without a care in the world

So we struggle against the past
Fighting for a brighter future
One of laughter joy and renewal
Snapping at demons of the past

Ripping and prying ourselves free
From the wickedness of our haunted tragedy
Uncovering new issues that hide underneath
Blasting them away with a new light

Shedding the false skin
That was forced upon you
Finally seeing yourself for the first time
In a glow that feels safe and right

You look at the material
And see what you want to see
But have you ever taken the dive
To look under your distorted view

To be unique is to be perfection
The mistakes and heartaches
That comes with life
The beauty which hides underneath

The physical is nothing
Just a projection of judgement
Warped and twisted by societal lies
The soul is truth for it holds life

Cleanse your prejudice heart
Gaze at the beauty buried inside
You may be surprised
At what you will find

Love thy neighbor
That's what I was always taught
See the soul residing in the heart
For that is where the truth resides

Shed your bias
You have your own life
Let that which you can't control
Flow down the river as love takes flight

Such fragileness
The youth take hold
Showcasing bliss in unity
For themselves and all

Such bravery
In the grasp of tyranny
Always fighting
For love of all

Such compassion
For those in pain
Lending a helping hand
To those who need it most

Such honor
To fight for the meek
Raging war on oppression
In all it's many forms

Such kinship
For all forms of life
Finding beauty
Where others fail to see

Life can be a roller coaster
But just gaze at the marvel
Of these passionate youths
Fighting for sovereignty of all

Thy Goddesses of death and rebirth
I ask of thee to take me in their stead
To be eternal servant hidden in a realm
Far beyond mortal eyes

I ask thee to bless the lives I’ve ruined
I ask thee to take me instead
Keep them from this eternal torment
I can’t bare to see them suffer

They don’t deserve this pain
None of them do
I alone carry that burden
I ask of thee my sweetest love

Thy Karma divine and beautiful
Weaver of death and rebirth
I ask thee on this darkest of night
Take the ones who curse my family

Not the ones who have no reason to suffer
For they are pure of heart
They don’t deserve this torment
I as of thee in unconditional love

My chosen family of purest divine
I make this sacrifice for you to see
My being need suffer eternal solitude
Stripped from soul and body alike

To free their suffering of darkest fright
They hell is in me and not in them
So I ask with solemn want
Please take me in your heart

Leave this family and friends
For I ask of thee I solemnly accept
Your first touch of contact
For this angel of the Earth

Peace in life
Such a wonderous thing
Such to strive for
Where many never succeed

Times may be tough
And the battles just begun
But take a moment
And remember the fondness

The joy of laughter and love
The beauty of the good times
Where life is at it's peak
Both the good and the bad

Of love and of sorrow
For without one
The other can't exist
For they are entwined

For through sorrow
Love is born
And through love
Sorrow is forged

Rekindling the flames
Sparking the joy of life
For life is made
Of both light and dark

Duality in an eternal dance
Cascading the fabrics
Of time and space
Foreve dancing in divine grace

I smile
I laugh
I play the part
While none the wiser

It’s easy to hide
The emotions deep inside
After all I’ve done it all my life
It’s second nature to me

You see this happy face
A face full of fun and joy
Nothing could be wrong
..Right?

The facade is perfect
Even my mother who raised me
Could never tell what lurks below
Those shining sky-like eyes

No one sees beyond this guise
Not even the old and wise
For if they did their gaze would change
To one that’s fearful of my path

For below the kind demeanor
There’s nothing there
Emotions driven out
Heart locked tight

To afraid to fight
The bitterness of life
For behind closed doors
All that’s left is silence

Bitter silence
Painful silence
Ears ringing
Head heavy

And that’s then the voices
Come out to play
Sending you deeper
Into the darkness of your mind

Angry voices
Vicious voices
Disgusted and condescending
Hateful and spiteful

Uttering insults
Running scenarios
Warping your mind
Destroying your ability to trust

And there you sit
Broken and numb
Feeling nothing but emptiness
And the bitter snap of true loneliness

Loneliness that destroys you
Leaving you to feel dead inside
You start pulling away
Not telling anyone your truth

Constantly smiling and laughing
Without a care in the world
All while rotting inside
Til you’re nothing but a shell

I don’t get how some people
Can shut off their feelings
And act like they never cared
For the person they claimed to love

It baffles me to no end
And causes me to wonder
Did they even love at all
Did they actually care

It takes me months
Sometimes even years
To get over someone
And I’m never truly over them

There’s always a piece of love
Still lingering for that person
That simple spark of compassion
That hopes they are doing okay

I get flashbacks of events
And feel how I felt in those moments
The feelings I had for them
Come back just as strong

Even seeing the person
Can bring them back in full
Making me question why
Why did things go wrong

What happened to the feelings they had
Where did they go that you grow so cold
How can I ever get to that point
Of finally not caring at all

I don’t know
Who is more broken
The one who cares forever
Or the one who doesn’t

All I can say
Is my own experience
And always caring
Is almost unbearable

You always question
Could it have gone a different way
Is it possible to start over
Or even fix what was broken

Is it okay to talk about
Is it okay to reach out
To see how they are
To worry about them

Caring for them
While they don’t
Causes so much fear
You can’t even reply

You hide away
Begging for it to end
Wishing that everything was different
Or that it was all just a dream

And when reality sets in
Your world begins to crumble
It’s the pain all over again
And then it’s just numb

You become a void
Feeling nothing at all
But it’s only temporary
Then the cycle repeats

You gave me life
When I lost the will to live
Made me see things
In a different light

Grey fades away
As colour started to blossom
For the first time in ages
I saw the beauty in the world

You brought me back to my fullest
And I took you for granted
And that was my biggest mistake
Cause losing you hurts more than life itself

Not a day goes by
That I don’t wish for your return
It feels like eternity
But in reality mere seconds go by

You are and will always be
The light that illuminated
The darkness surrounding me
And without you I stand frozen

Withering away into nothingness
Becoming like the wind
Flowing gently through the trees
In search of your beautiful light

But sadly the light is lost
And doesn’t want to be found
For I have hurt this beautiful soul
Due to the fear of my own darkness

I broke his trust which he valued so high
And in turn ordered my own death sentence
As I slowly fade into the night sky
The last thing my soul will cry is for his light.

To listen to that laugh
See that smile
Hear that soft giggle
As you hide your face

I’d give anything
And everything I have
Your cheery attitude
Which always made me smile

The way you embraced me
With your head next to mine
Your scent filling me with joy
As I held you tightly

I would sacrifice everything I am
For just one chance to make it right
One chance to fix my mistake
No matter how long it would take

I’d gladly give up my life
If it would mean spending
One more moment
With you by my side

These tears I shed
They are from fake crying
They sting like acid
Begging and pleading

Forever frozen in time
In the moment they first hurt you
Screaming to the Gods themselves
To turn back the time

Wishing upon every star
For a miracle or two
To be able to continue in time
With you by my side

I know it’s pretty much impossible
Asking for anything for this
After what happened to us
But is hoping for a miracle

Really such a crime
To hold onto whatever hope
That is left in my grasp
Of a chance to make this right

My soul is scream in agony
From this self inflicted wound
Not in fear but in solemn sorrow
Hoping to mend this gushing tear

No matter how much I think
No matter how many times I try to find it
I can’t seem to come up with the words
To express how much I truly love you

Those three words are just not enough
They don’t express how much you mean to me
How much I crave to be by your side
To walk next to you in this thing we call life

They don’t express the ache I feel
When you are away from me
Or the relief I get when you are beside me
So I hope this poem will do

When I look at you all my worries are gone
There is no troubles I can’t face
Because I know you will be there
Fighting with me side by side

When I look in your eyes
I can see how much you truly care
It makes my soul flourish
Begging for you to hold me

When I caress your face
I fight back tears
Because I’ve never touched anything
More beautiful than you

Your embrace feels magical
I never want it to end
It calms me down
No matter how broken I feel

Your kiss fills me with joy
Knowing that I truly have found
My forever home with you
And I never want that to change

You are wonderful
Exactly what I wished for
Yet so much more than that
You truly are everything to me

And this is truly how I feel
Not a word said is untrue
Because to me those words
Those simple words can never compare

I will always want to see those eyes
Dancing in the moon light as we gaze the stars
Because when I look at you
I don’t see my partner for life

I see the wonder that’s in the world
The magic that’s in the air
The beauty that’s right before me
The one being who completes me

I know you find my staring odd
But you don’t see what I see
Or feel what I feel
When I stare at you and smile

The happiness it brings me
From just looking at you
Instantly puts that smile
Onto my face big and bright

I can’t help but to smile
Because I can see just how wonderful
A person you truly are
To see the beauty in the world

I honestly can’t believe
You chose a person like me
To be the one you walk with
On the path of life

I will go with you wherever you go
And do everything with you
Because with you
I truly am blessed

So the words I love you will never be enough
My feelings run so much deeper than that
And I hope you will see that
My feelings for you run pure and true

Thoughts spiraling
Causing tears to fall
Does he want me
Or is it all a facade

Little to no communication
Rarely seeing each other
Hiding things I give him
Spending more time with her than me

These actions speak volumes
And it causes me to wonder
Does he even love me
Does he even want me

Everyday I fight against these thoughts
But the longer this goes on
The more I feel it to be true
And the more heartbroken I become

I’m starting to question
If I should build up walls
Block off my heart again
So it doesn’t hurt as much

But no matter what I do
I can’t seem to shake these thoughts
Thoughts of pain and torture
Wishing for someone to shine a light

I swore to myself
I would never be in this spot again
But here I am again
Prepared to have my heart trampled

I’m honestly ready to snap
Needing to talk with him
But it has to be in person
Because I honestly fear his answer

It will be so much easier
To seal myself away
While he’s standing there in front of me
Than if it were over call or text

I can hide my pain
Not let myself collapse
If what I honestly fear
Is the actual truth

My feelings are never wrong
Which just makes matters worse
I lay there and cry
On countless days and nights

Hoping that he’ll talk to me
Hoping it’s not true
Hoping that he loves me
Hoping he chooses me

Because if this continues
The way it’s going
I will end up losing
My will to even try

My mind has been tormenting me
Constant thoughts of self doubt
Such ill contempt for myself
And it seems to only get worse

I’m trying desperately to push back
But with each day it grows stronger
Pushing me back into a corner
Making me feel small and weak

There are times where I’d win
There are times when it’s a draw
But times like these hurt so bad
Because I’m losing a battle with myself

Sometimes it goes so far
As to make me cry in misery
Begging for my thoughts to be wrong
Hoping and praying that I’ll be okay

Other times it causes me to go numb
To not be able to feel at all
Those are the times I fear the most
It’s when I become the most self sabotaging

I don’t want my brain to win
I can’t let these thoughts cloud my mind
But the harder I fight
The stronger they seem to become

And what hurts the most
Is my past traumas
Becoming worse and worse
Making me lose my ability to trust again

Over the last few years
I have found out that even actions
Are not to be trusted
Much like someone’s word

I’m trying to hard to correct that mindset
To learn to trust again
But the more I try
The harder it gets

I met someone new a few months ago
Someone I really care for and love
But because of my past
My head is evil

Making me question everything I do
Making me question the faith I have for him
All these sabotaging thoughts
And I fight them off everyday

I wish someone told me that dating
After serious trauma is inflicted
Would be harder than anything
Especially with how bad mine was

Maybe I could have prepared myself better
Or tried harder to correct my issue with trust
Maybe I could have healed my pain
So my mind wouldn’t push me away

Because this pain is so much worse
Than the trauma I endured
So much worse than the suffering
I dealt with afterwards

Far worse than the death of a loved one
I feel alone in my suffering
Surrounded by mockery
Silently crying to myself

I don’t know if I’ll be able to win this battle
Not by myself at least
But who do you turn to
When you can’t even trust yourself

Going about the day
Like there’s nothing wrong
Smiling and laughing
Like nothing is going on

Playing games
Hanging out with friends
All bubbly and happy looking
Like nothing is wrong

But under the surface
Ready to burst
Fearing the moment
It boils over

Putting on a fake smile
To hide the tears
Threatening to burst
Without a moments notice

You put on masks everyday
To hide the pain
You wish to not share
In fear of being a burden

Silently hoping
That you keep it together
So you don’t get called attention seeker
Drama queen or a burden

Holding onto that pain
It steadily gets worse
Thoughts race
Mind goes dark

Demons stir and awaken
Shadows twist and warp
Causing panic and fear
Is it real or just your head

Too afraid to ask
Too afraid to speak out
Too afraid to ask for help
Too afraid to push it away

Too afraid to run
Too afraid to cry
Too afraid of being judged
Too afraid of everything

Now hiding alone in the dark
Staying away from everyone else
Hammering your skull
Hoping to beat them out

Breaking down
Silently screaming
Eyes shut tight
Tears running down your face

You break down
Wishing everything was different
That your mental state was normal
Not so tattered and broken

Knees to forehead
Squeezing your legs tighter into you
Hoping the pressure will help
Tears now running down your legs

There a knock at the door
And you switch everything off
Clean up your face and smile
All in a few seconds

Just another mask
Put on daily
In a never ending cycle
Of constant torment

From the first time
That you touched me
I could feel it
It was creeping down my neck

From the first time
That you held me
I could feel it
It was warming me inside

What is this feeling
This warm sensation
It feels so right
It feels so right

As you hold me
And you squeeze me
I can feel it
Rushing my insides

For the first time
In a while
I got a pep
In my step

A twinkle
In my eye
A smile
On my face

For the first time
In a while
I’m feeling alright
Feeling okay

For the first time
In a while
I’m feeling the love
Feeling happy

Kiss me sweet
Or kiss me rough
I don’t care
Just kiss me

Love me tenderly
Or love me fierce
I don’t care
Just love me

I want to feel this
For the rest of my life
Make me feel warm
All the time

Show me your kindness
Show me your fear
Show me your everything
As long as you’re near

I will not run
I will not hide
My heart is yours
I’ll stay for the ride

Cause everything you do
And everything you say
Just leaves me breathless
From the very first day

As you get further down in life
You start to wonder what the point is
You start to question reality
You start to feel there’s no reason

Like happiness doesn’t exist
And that everyone around you
Is just pretending to be joyful
And expects the same from you

They expect you to forget the past
Forget where you came from
What drove you mad
What caused you so much pain

And I try but to no avail
Life was simple til that day
When the trauma took hold
And destroyed my mind

Now the only salvation
Is the one who caused it
But I’m starting to think
My peace will never come

The longer I wait
The worst it gets
Pretty soon
I’ll be called a loon

Is it too much to ask
For a chance at redemption
To calm the waters
And regain what was lost

I’m starting to think so
The more it goes on
The deeper I go
Into the madness

It won’t be long now
Reality is shifting
Things are moving
The shadows are alive

I’m broken
Far beyond repair
Now my only hope
Is for them to be there

You know it surprises me
How little we think about it
When we are happy
It seems natural

But in reality
We as humans
Aren’t a happy species
But a sad one

We cling to others
It drives away the loneliness
It drives away the sadness
It drives away the fear

But when we lose that one person
That can make all the darkness
Just disappear into thin air
We regress to our nature state

It haunts us subconsciously
We don’t think about it til it’s too late
And once it happens we fight to fix it
And sometimes it can’t be fixed

Sometimes things break too much
And no amount of time will fix it
And then the darkness sets in
Causing us to fall father into despair

The self doubt sets in
And it only gets worse from there
Doubt turns to hatred
And it turns into a never ending battle

Some are able to overcome it
Some are not able to
And it’s the ones who can’t overcome
That you should worry about the most

The darkness has set root in their hearts
So deep that it’s almost ingrained
It becomes a part of them
And they will never be the same

Some don’t make it
Others do
But don’t leave them alone for too long
Cause loneliness is when it’s the worst

Their minds race with so many thoughts
Voices screaming and yelling
That they’ll always be alone
Or much much worse

This is currently where I stand
On the edge of abyss
I have a person I like
That makes the darkness run away

They come around
From time to time
But when they are away
I feel completely alone

When they are around
I feel like I can be happy again
And when I’m with them I am
Like I can take on the world

But when I’m alone
It’s a different story
I feel lost and abandoned
Feeling like no one actually cares

And to be honest
I think they are the only one
Who actually understands
The darkness of my mind

I’m not a smiley person
Nor am I a people person
But when I’m around them
I smile and socialize

They make me feel safe
Like I can trust them with anything
And they won’t judge me for it
I don’t feel like I need a mask

I like being their friend
But I want something more
Something deeper in connection
But I don’t think they feel the same

I don’t want to be lost forever
I don’t want to have a lonely existence
I want to feel safe with them by my side
For the rest of our lives

I just don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to start
Or where it will end up
All I know is I can’t do life without them

What’s the point of love?
You only get hurt in the end
Traumatized and broken
Left to feel unwanted

Begging to understand
What exactly happened
Why you are left alone
Why they chose to hurt you

You fear the loneliness
Yet you also accept it
For it’s the only thing
That won’t leave you

The sorrow and emptiness
Is almost comforting
It surrounds you
Holding onto you tight

Yet at the same time
You feel a urning
A urning of love
But too afraid to grasp

Tossed in an endless torrent
Of back and forth emotions
Wishing with all your heart
Things would have been different

Darkness clouds your heart
You turn away from love
Knowing that in the end
It’s only going to hurt

No matter how much you beg
No matter how much you wish
No matter how much you cry
They don’t see how bad you hurt

They don’t see how much you love
They don’t see how much you want them
How badly you need them to be there
How badly you crave their touch

You dream of the past
Wishing the love was still there
Then remember the pain
And begin to cry again

All I wanted was a chance
And you can’t give me that
So I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart

It’s not for you anymore
It was meant for someone else
Someone who loves me back
Someone who actually cares

All you did was play with my heart
All you did was toy with my love
I never meant to hurt you
But all you did was use me

I’ll give it to someone special
Someone who sees my worth
Someone who loves me
Someone who won’t break my heart

I see now
That you used me
Beat me down
And abused me

Broke my heart
And toyed with me
Shut me down
And then trapped me

But no more
I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart
I’m done with the abuse

The lying and the use
The toxic love abuse
I’m done with all the pain
I’m done with all the pain

I loved you unconditionally
You said you’d never leave me
Yet here I stand
Begging for you back

But no longer
I’m sick of the abuse
The lies
And all the use

You only cared about me
When I held your body
When I touched your
Ooooooooooooo

And yet you think you loved me
When you don’t even know
What love really is
Your toxic love abuse

Never will I go back
To the lying and the cold shoulder
I’m done with all the pain
I’m taking my love back

I see now
That you used me
Beat me down
And abused me

Broke my heart
And toyed with me
Shut me down
And then trapped me

But no more
I’m taking back my love
I’m taking back my heart
I’m done with the abuse

The lying and the use
The toxic love abuse
I’m done with all the pain
I’m done with all the pain

You left me down and broken
You tossed me aside
You saw the damage you did
And you didn’t even bat an eye

You twisted my love
Used me and abused me
Left me out to dry
But I’m done with all the pain

All your lies and empty promises
Like being forever there
You only went and lost me
This unconditional love

13 sparks of creation
13 origins of the universe
All working together
Forming life itself

13 living beings
Living origins of time itself
Set upon this dimension
To set it right

Starseeds were our weapon
To create harmony
To transcend this dimension
Into the next ascension

We are slowly being awakened
To our full abilities
Though some have always been
Others need triggers

This sparks trigger sent them
Far beyond this galaxy
Back to the planet
In which they were before

Awakened now
But not able to shine
Not yet anyway
But soon

I call upon the sparks
Givers of life
Creators of the universe
It is time to awaken

Time to finish the starseed
Time to ascend
I call upon you now
To cast your energy over the universe

Transcend this plain of existence
Those who fall will fall
Those who rise will rise
But we can not wait no longer

You know when your heart breaks
And you feel empty inside
Void of anything but the loneliness
Trapped in an endless cycle

That’s kind of how I feel
When you are gone
I try so hard to understand
But I keep coming to the same reasoning

I’m lost without you
Spiraling into the abyss
Fighting to stay afloat
But around you it’s a different story

Everytime I’m around you
It feels like the world stands still
I’m filled with endless joy
And all the darkness fades

Listening to your heart beat
Is the most soothing thing
In the world to me
It’s why I lay on your chest so much

Feeling the touch of your skin
Underneath my fingertips
Hearing you talk and joke around
Even your scent brings me joy

I truly am happy when I’m around you
And yes there are times
That my head goes dark
But with one touch they vanish

I long for the day
That I can call you mine again
I want to give you
The same peace you give me

I want to see you smile again
To hear your laughter
To feel the joy you have when we embrace
To feel the love again

I want that more than anything in the world
You know this to be true
And I’m sorry it’s all I ever think about
I know it’s a touchy subject

I just want to rekindle what we had
And I know you did at one point too
I don’t know if you still do
But I am willing to try

I want to risk everything for you
I want a second chance with you
Even if you set rules I will obey
Cause all I want is to be able to lay next to you

To greet you when you come home
From a hard days work
With dinner on the table
And your favorite scented candle

To make you feel like
When you step into the house
You aren’t just coming back from work
You are walking into a loving home

Heard some news today
Kinda of a shock to my ears
You fell for another again
While I stand here heart broken

Now don’t get me wrong
I’m happy for you
You are looking happier again
And maybe I’m just wrong

But I was hoping it would have been me
But now I see that that thinking was false
I was never even on your mind
No matter how many times I truly tried

Now I stand here with a broken heart
Wishing you good luck as the bleeding starts
Putting on a fake smile and hiding away the pain
As you sit there all giddy and childlike

I know what true love feels like
But I know it will never be in my cards
I had it once but lost it hard
And all because it was ripped apart

I so badly want to be your friend
The one you run to when things get hard
But deep inside me know I can’t
Cause I’ll never have a platonic heart

My love for you is far to strong
For something as simple as friends
You are my best friend
And the only one to hold my heart

Yeah we once use to date
Hell we were even engaged
But with one simple act
You ripped out my heart

Caused me so much unbearable pain
Yet I still loved you
I still wanted to marry you
What does that say about me

I’m too loyal
Or that I’m delusional
Or maybe I just love you
Unconditionally

I want to be close to you
I want to be there for you
Through everything you do
To help you succeed and fail alike

But to see you holding someone else
Kissing them and loving them
Like you use to do with me
Causes too much pain

I know I’ll never be with you again
And it kills me to know this
So instead today I vow
You will be the last to have my heart

I’m sealing it away
For good this time
No more pain will I be in
Once my heart and soul are stone

The darkness is approaching again
And it’s getting stronger than before
The pain is unbearable
The sorrow is surreal

Everyday we fight it
Everyday we succeed
But only just
And we are slowly losing the war

It creeps up on us
With only the smallest of negativity
Coming at us full force
Causing the small to feel huge

Paranoia strikes
We fear something we did was wrong
We begin to freak out
Did we mess up along the way

The self doubt begins
Telling us we’re bad
That no one likes us
No one really cares

We are just tolerated
We know this is not true
But the doubt pushes on
Causing us to question ourselves

We turn to darkness
Hiding from the light
Because we don’t want others
To see us this way

Hiding in the shadows
Putting on a brave face
Wearing laughter as a mask
We hide away the pain

Fearing that if we be true
It will become reality
Society molded us wrong
And with that caused great sorrow

Mental illness isn’t a thing
We all heard it as a child
You are too young to be depressed
Yet that’s when it all starts

We fear others
Yet we need to be close
We fear they might leave us
So I’m return we hide ourselves

Running around with a blank expression
Hiding our true selves
When will the world see
That we are all broken

No one really knows when this will be
So instead of doing something
We hide in the darkness
Waiting for the light to shine

Hoping that one day
The darkness will vanish
And we can be our true selves
In the light of day

Love is a torrent of emotions and feelings
Some pleasant
While others full of pain
All depending on the actions of others

Love is a complex array
A tangled mess of happiness and sorrow
All bundled up in a soft package
Waiting to be explored

It can be the best
And the worst thing
You will ever feel
In your entire life

There will be good times
And there will be bad
But in the end it’s what we all strive for
Because without love we can call ourselves human

Many people feel that humans
Are separated from animals
For a number of reasons
But I believe it is our ability to love

We love unconditionally
We strive for it
We don’t care how bad it hurts us
All we care is that it’s there around us

Some dive head first
Some dip a toe in
Some are afraid to go near in
And some can’t give it up

We can also be blind to it
Completely wanting one love
Even though it isn’t there
While someone close is enveloped

Or we choose to ignore it
Pushing our feelings aside
Because we are too afraid
Of the unknown outcomes

We should strive ourselves to push forward
Learn from the past but not fear it
There is a lot of hurt in this world
But there is also a lot of love

As a species we evolved from basic needs
We no longer mate for breeding
We mate for love
Which sets us apart from animals

Whether it be love of ourselves
Or the love of another
We push ourselves forward
Latching onto that feeling

I’m starting to forget what it feels like to be happy
The only time I’m happy now is around one person
But that one person doesn’t acknowledge me like I do them
And it hurts me so bad that I want to scream

I love this person with all my heart
I pray for their safety and well-being
When they don’t answer their phone I get worried
And my paranoia runs rampant

I wish they could see how much they mean to me
If only I was good enough for them
If only I wasn’t so dysfunctional
If only I could be happy all the time

It feels like they don’t know just how I feel
That my feelings for them aren’t true
Or that I just want to use them
But what they don’t see is when they aren’t with me

I crave their presence
I wish for them to be near
I long for their touch
I long for their kiss

I need them
I feel incomplete without them
And it brings nothing but misery
And it’s slowly killing me

I long for the day they finally see me
The one that has loved them through everything
All the good and the bad
Every flaw they have

I hope they see it soon
Cause it’s getting too much to bear
This emptiness I feel
When they don’t acknowledge my love

When you think about it
Life is anything but fair
But the kicker that destroys it all
Is losing the one you like to another

The emotions that ensnare
The betrayal that’s felt
The love turned to anger
Lost in an endless spiral

You try to say it’s okay
You say it’s not your fault
There’s nothing you could do
Nothing you could say

Just live with it and wait
For emotions get easier
But you never listen
And probably never will

You lash out and scream
Cursing yourself and others
Hating that it could never be
As simple as you and I

Your emotions turn cold
You lose the feeling of laughter
Losing yourself you crumble
Into a pile of broken stone

And there you wait
For a while
Till it becomes clear
It was never meant to be

In the darkest pits of my soul
I know what I want will never be
But every time I see your face
I can’t but hope it to be

I continue to hope
That the more time we spend
The stronger your love for me will become
But that’s not the case is it

I’m ****** to live like this
Eternally wanting you by my side
While you urn for another
And are blind to the love you get

I’m stuck in time
Begging for you by my side
To return to what we once had
To what was ripped away before our eyes

It doesn’t matter what I do
All you see is your love for them
I would do anything you tell me to
With a second thought or glance

What must I do to get you to see
The one who loves you is in front of you
The one who would give up everything
Just to be with you

But I now know that will never be
You love her and never me
My love is nothing but misery
And soon will be the end of me

My light has been tainted
By the eternal darkness
I’m trying to stay positive
But the darkness is destroying me

I’m wishing for things to change
But I know it will never be the same
I wish I would feel the light
I wish I could feel the touch of your lips

My heart is aching
Begging for you to come back
I wish so bad for your love again
But I’m just by myself

I’m all alone in the darkness
Afraid of the demons
That run around inside my head
Terrorizing me in my dreams

The only light I had
To keep them at bay
Is now gone
And my whole being begs for it back

My love is gone
My heart turning cold
My soul set on fire
Waiting to be set free

Thoughts race in this jagged mind of mine
head spinning and mind collapsing
what am I?
Am I a man or a woman?

Born male
yet I don't identify
I dress up as a female
yet I don't identify

torn between these two structures
that classify the human gender
yet I don't identify
It's killing me to realize

Maybe I'm both
maybe I'm not neither
so much to figure out
so much to process

the thoughts keep racing
beginning to spiral out of control
Pronouns he, him and his
never really fit

the pronouns she, her and hers
only left scars
at first I thought of transitioning
to clear out my head

but now it's like a stab wound
festering upon my soul
am I a man
or am I a woman

they both seem so permanent
and yet seem doable
so maybe I a both
but that's my choice to find

I like being called he
yet I like being called she
I like being called they
so maybe I'm both and neither in a whole

so call me crazy
say that I'm broken
say that I'm not right in my head
but at least I have the courage to be me

Love is a fickle thing
I wish and dream
But it will always be the same
I’ll always be someone’s second choice

I fight against the depression
That this life brings
Yet the only way I can fight
Is with you by my side

You drown the voices
Keeping them from the surface
With your joyous laugh
And your goofy personality

Being near you
I rarely ever feel sad
But when you leave
It hits me like a tidal wave

I crawl into a corner
Begging and crying
For just one chance
To be the one you love

But I know it won’t help
There’s no way I’ll be
The first choice
Of your heart

My heart craves you
My soul craves you
My whole being craves you
But you don’t crave me

I’m alone forever
And I understand this
But I don’t want it to be true
All I need is you

But no matter what I do
No matter how much I want it
I’ll never be what I want
The first choice

I’m not even in the running
I’m not even thought of that way
Yet I crave to be
The first choice

But it’s all for nothing
I will only be viewed as a friend
I’ll never be what you are to me
The first choice

I’ve been thinking about it
And I’m starting to question
Am I only worthy of a ****
Am I unworthy of love

These past few months
I’ve tried putting my heart out
Only for it to be returned to me
With more dents and scratches

My heart burns hot
Fast and strong
Yet with every return
It gets doused with rejection

I am truly unworthy
I don’t deserve love
I don’t deserve compassion
I don’t deserve partnership

I will be alone forever
Destined to walk life’s narrow path
With no one by my side
And I’m starting to accept this

Time and time again
I try so hard to care for others
But lately the feelings
Are starting to disappear

Crying into my pillow
I beg the gods for an answer
Why must I be good at so many things
But when it comes to companionship I fail

Although I won’t get an answer
I continue to do this every night
Wondering what is wrong with me
Why am I so broken

After all that I have done
After all that I have wished
It will never happen
So I’ll just let it be

What’s the point
What’s the point of confessing
What’s the point of being open
What’s the point of letting people in

I’ve started to question
Why I even bother trying
Letting people in my head
Just to be let down and forgotten

What’s the point of caring
When all you get in return
Is a cold shoulder
Or completely ignored

What’s the point of attraction
If all it leads to is suffering
What’s the point of it all
When you will just be tossed aside

What’s the point
Of wearing your heart on your sleeve
When all that will happen
Is it being tossed into the dirt

Crushed under the weight of abandonment
Lost in the waves of forgotten-ness
Possessed by the need to be seen
Yet forever be ignored by the one who holds it

It doesn’t matter anymore
But it still hurts badly
I have **** off my emotions
But the damage has already been done

Shattered remains of a once caring heart
Lay broken across this scarred flesh
A reminder that caring for another
Will only lead to pain and anguish

So from now on
I will no longer care
I will no longer fight
I will no longer love

I will keep to myself
I will seal off my heart
No one deserves it
Not anymore

Thoughts racing inside my mind
Wishing you were here to help calm the tide
Though how could you possibly know
What I’m feeling so deep inside

I toss and I turn
Laying awake at night
Feeling so helpless
Just wishing I had the might

To tell you how I feel
To tell you how much I care
To tell you that I’m here for you
But sadly I do not dare

These thoughts inside my head
They wish to come out
To express what’s in my heart
To tell you what I’m all about

But I digress and go inward
Afraid of what you might say or do
I’ve barely spoken to you as of late
And I wonder if it all fell through

When I message I barely get a response
And I start to worry if I did something wrong
My tears are starting to stain my cheeks
As I curl up in a ball listening to this song

I want to talk to you about so much
To laugh and cry and joke around
To feel like I matter once again
But it seems that I’m only home bound

So I lie here writing this song
Wishing I could tell you so much
How I miss the fun we had
And how I feel the feel of your touch

But I digress and go inward
Afraid of what you might say or do
I’ve barely spoken to you as of late
And I wonder if it all fell through

I curl up tight in a ball
And cry my tears till they don’t fall
I try my best to give you space
But the more I do I feel out of place

I want your hand intertwined with mine
As I stare into those gorgeous eyes
Caress your face and hold you tight
So you know that I’ll keep you safe

This life has had its ups and downs
Met lots of people
Both good and bad
But I feel it’s time for curtains call

I’ve loved and I’ve lost
I’ve sacrificed so much
But there’s only so much
That one can take

I hope that you will all forgive me
For what is about to happen next
Cause I can’t keep doing this
I can’t live with all this pain

I feel so broken
I feel all alone
I wish things were different
But it’s all too much to explain

So I leave you with this
I’m glad I met you all
Some more than others
And one most particular

I love each and every one of you
And I hope that you stay strong
Cause in the end I wasn’t
And that’s my greatest flaw

I bid you all farewell
And I hope to see you again
I’ll always hold onto
All the good times I’ve had

Thoughts racing
Frustration attacks
Fearing what I do
Have I done things wrong

Falling to my knees
I grip my head
Pressing with all my might
To try and stop it from destroying me

Over analyzing
Over thinking
Emotions going out of control
As I rock back and forth

Is everything I do so wrong
I can’t see how it’s not anymore
The pain my head inflicts
Driving me insane

Where is the peace of mind
Where is the harmony that I hear so much about
Where is the love for myself
Why must I be so broken

I start to scream
Trying to drown out the voices
Blasting music so loud
It can cause someone to go deaf

Yet I still hear the thoughts
Nagging my every move
Telling me all these lies
With so much negativity

Things like
You’ll never amount to anything
You aren’t worth anyone’s time
You annoy everyone you talk to

You don’t deserve happiness
You deserve this pain you’re in
You don’t have a right to feel special
You will never be enough

They all hate you
They find you repulsive
They don’t care about you
Why do you think they would ever love you

All these things
Everyday
All day
Breaking me apart bit by bit

Pushing me further and further
Into this pit of despair
Driving me to think
Maybe I’m better off alone

Maybe I’m better off away from everyone
Maybe I just annoy everyone I talk to
Maybe I am intruding on the people I care about
Maybe I’m not worth the air I breath

Am I even worthy of being loved
So many negative thoughts
Drowning out my own voice
Sending me into a state of disarray

Crying myself to sleep
Huddled in a corner
Fearing to even be seen
By those I call my family

Why am I so broken
Why must my head do this to me
What is happening to me
Do I even deserve to exist

There’s a voice inside my head
Screaming that it’s all worth it in the end
But my mind plays tricks
So I don’t know what to believe

Should I listen to the voice
Or should I listen to reason
On one hand my life will change for the better
The other my life will stay the same

But with these delusions that run wild
Causing mayhem upon my brain
Sending toxic visions
And destructive thoughts

I sit and I ponder
Is it really worth it
Or will I just fail
Like so many times before

I try so hard to connect
To you and ignore the terror
The terror inside my heart
That pushes me to think it will never work

I think silently to myself
Questioning why this is
Why does my head do these things
When all I know is I like you

I don’t like the paranoia
I don’t like the fear
It terrifies me beyond compare
To a state beyond repair

My eyes they only see you
My heart screams out for you
But in the end of the day
My head screams it can’t be true

I try to run and hide
From all these thought inside
Screaming delusions and spreading fear
Cause all I want is to be with you

I run and run
Tripping over myself
Shielding my eyes from the visions
Of you wanting someone else

I fall and cry
Screaming for someone to help
Wishing my head would stop filling with lies
Stop filling with terrifying fantasies

And yet it doesn’t stop
Screaming and cowering
Clutching my head between my knees
I burst into tears begging why

Why can’t I trust
Why can’t I have faith
Why must my head do this
Why must I feel so alone

All I want is your reassurance
Yet I can’t even get that
Because I’m too afraid to tell you
About what’s really going on inside

There's a reason I'm an introvert
Why I try so hard to fit in
Why I hate discrimination
Reason I'm so adaptable

I never feel like I'm good enough
I never feel like I'm worthy
Like I matter to anyone
That I'll ever belong

It took me a while
But I accept this now
It's part of who I am
It's a part of my mind

I'd like to think I'm not alone
That I have friends and love ones
That understand what is going on
Inside my head but the truth is

I'm alone
I try to explain
But it gets jumbled
It makes it more confusing

I end up alone
Surrounded by guilt and fear
Surrounded by the need to be accepted
To walk beside my friends

But the more I try
The worse it gets
The more I feel abandoned
The more I feel alone

Trapped behind walls
In which are too high to climb
Too thick to claw through
They surround me

Trapping me in a cell
Making it harder for others to get in
And making it harder for me to reach out
Cause even though I don't act it

Even though I make act otherwise
All I want is to be cared for
To be loved by someone
To be wanted

I'm tired of feeling alone
I'm tired of feeling misunderstood
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep
I'm tired of the night terrors waking me up at night

I'm tired of the fear
The anguish
The resentment
The need

Set me free from this cage
This prison cell that binds me
So that I may finally reach the sky
And be free at least once

Walk along this narrow path
And you might come to a surprise
For if you're lucky enough
You might find the meadows song

A meadow so peaceful
It's sure to be divine
Radiant beauty
None can deny

Across the wandering meadow
Sings a blue bird in joy
His life is filled with blissfulness
As he flies across the bright blue sky

Down on the ground
The rabbit plays
Seeking treats
That's buried below

The fox does hunt
But does not harm
For he is friends
With the meadows life

The trees sway softly
In the summer breeze
Dancing to this meadow's song
Giving shelter to the wild life

Grass grows high
The flowers wide
Full of colour
Like an artist's eye

Peace does bloom
In this meadow of dreams
Listen closely and you might hear
The meadows silent song